January 2006

Letters from Women

I love your site, and it has meant a great deal to my husband and I as we have grown together in our female-led marriage. My only complaint is that you sometimes take the fun out of the discussion by downplaying the very strong sexual component that exists in this relationship type. I worry that many women that read this site to learn about loving female authority for the first time might walk away with an impression that it is all about turning their couch potato husbands into their butlers and maids. It's really so much more than that.

The sexual energy in the relationship is clearly channeled towards the pleasure of the woman. In my marriage, my orgasms come first (and for that matter second and third) before his is even considered. The physical element of sexual satisfaction, however, is only the beginning. For me, there is an incredibly sexual rush that comes from being in complete control. It turns me on when I look down at my husband and see him kissing my feet. It further excites me to know that his mouth would move from my feet to between my legs at my command. Because my control over him is constant, even out of the bedroom, the sexual charge is also constant. This is true for him as well as for me.

Please remind your readers, or maybe let them know for the first time, that power is a turn-on for women!

Annie in California

Emily responds...

Annie, I appreciate your letter as we are always open to sincere suggestions for improvement. I actually agree with you in that our site does sometimes undervalue the sexual benefits that loving female authority imparts on women (and men) that practice it in their marriages. As I have said many times, this site is intended as a non-threatening introduction to loving female authority for women who have never considered this type of relationship in the past. As such, we do downplay the sexual component of the female-led household. Perhaps we downplay it too much, and perhaps we should devote more content to the subject. As such, we have included your letter as well as the following letter which also touches on the benefits that LFA delivers to the dominant wife.

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I have been married for fifteen years. Until a few months ago, I don't believe that I had enjoyed sex the entire duration of my marriage. Sex had always been a very mechanical thing for my husband and me. I believe that the two of us just went through the motions the way we understood to be typical. He was very affectionate, and we practiced foreplay to a certain degree, but he had only given me oral sex on a couple of occasions. I was much more likely to perform the act on him, probably having given him oral sex about a dozen times a year.

All of this changed when I was made aware of your site. I heard about it, of all places, at my knitting club. This club is a small group of women, and we have all known each other for years. One of the women had seen the New Bride's Guide to Training Her Husband given as a bridal shower gift, and probably as a joke, ordered the book for me. I had been complaining about my husband's frequent fishing trips, and she said it would represent a fix to that problem. The book sat in my knitting bag for a couple of weeks, and I only actually decided to read it when I found myself spending half a day in a doctor's waiting room. I was, of course, amazed when I realized that the book was not just a joke at all, but was an education on a real alternative way of relating to my husband.

I went to your site after reading the book, and learned even more about female led households. In getting myself educated, I came to the conclusion that my husband displayed many subtle indications that he might be supressing submissive tendancies. They were all little things, but when I started thinking about them together, they all started to fit a pattern. For example, he was always attracted to dominant women, or women dressed as such, in movies and pop culture. Also, I remember he saw a woman wearing a pair of thigh-high, black leather boots and he suggested I get a pair. I was too conservative to buy anyhing like that, but sure enough, he bought me a pair for my birthday two months later. The thing that really got me thinking was something that he had given me very early in our relationship, when we were first dating. For Valentines Day, he had given me a gift certficate for "Slave for a Day". At the time I thought it was a cute little way of saving money on a real gift by just offering to do me favors all day, but in retrospect, I started to think that maybe it was more.

I wasn't sure if I was reading too much into my clues or not, but regardless, I worked up the courage one night to start testing him. I asked him to get some lotion and rub my feet. He took a position next to me on the couch and started to do so. I asked him if he wouldn't mind doing it on the floor. I was glad he didn't ask me why, because I'm not sure I would have had an answer, I just wanted to put him in a subservient position. I then used sort of joking tone and asked him to kiss my toes. He did so, sort of light heartedly at first, but then he really started getting into it. I then had him pull off my pajama bottoms and panties so he could start going down on me. I started stroking the back of his head while he did it, and he really seemed to be enjoying it. However, after about two minutes, he stood up and started pulling off his own clothes so that he could move on to intercourse. I told him that he wasn't finished yet, and that he needed to keep going down on me. About forty-five minutes and half a dozen orgasms later, he was cuddled up next to me on the couch with his head resting on my stomach. He had just accepted that the evening would be about my pleasure, and he never even made a second motion to try and have intercourse. After a about a week of repeat performances, we finally had our "you'll obey me" conversation. Things have never been the same since. Honestly, I think I could write my own book on the benefits to women of controlling their men's orgasm.

Sex is now a very big deal to me where as before it was just a routine, ho-hum experience. Believe me, there is no better example of a more sexually uptight, conservative woman in the world to have converted to your way of thinking. My husband and I are both the luckiest people in the world for having discovered loving female authority. Please keep up the good work with your site.

Unsigned

Emily responds...

Again, another great testimony to the difference that loving female authority can make in a woman's sex life.


Letters from Men


I have beed married for over 30 years to a women with a strong personality. They say I have one too, but for over 25 years, I have known that my wife is a stronger personality than I. In our daily lives, she has always made the bulk of the decisions without realizing it. Due to a very conservative upbringing she still wishes the man of the house to be the man of the house. As such, she will phone me before buying new clothes if she has not discussed it with me first - I have never said no. Our sex life is good and over 90% is with her on top and with me laying on my back with my legs apart and she with her legs together - real role reversal. I like to ask her permission before I ejaculate and she never says no.

So, it would seem that I am living the submissive role and she is playing the dominant role but, apart from pillow talk, she has never come out and said words with the message that she's in charge or stating that she is the dominant partner or anything along those lines. I am finding that this is the missing factor to make my life complete. Why don't I tell her outright? I am scared that her conservative upbringing will make her reject my request and to some extent make her consider me a weirdo and thus sour our wonderful life. In other words, I would rather live 90% submission than gamble on 100% and lose what I have.

Can you offer any advice ??

Sid

Ken responds...

You are not alone in feeling the frustration of living a life of stealth submission to your wife. The missing link that prevents you from self-actualizing is her formal, open affirmation of her control over you. Many, many men are in exactly the same situation as you. Your relationship with your wife is wonderful in so many ways, but ultimatley not quite satisfying. In order to move to that next tiny step, you face the very real fear of rejection.

I end up writing responses to this very dilemma almost every month. Emily and I have endeavored not to keep referring people to the past responses, but always to keep posting new thoughts and new angles on your challenge. We believe that this approach is one of the driving forces behind the growing community that is building up around the site. So, to that end, please consider the following suggestions.

Make a list of ten things that would represent a step up from your current activity. If you currently rub her feet at night, start kissing and licking them. If you currently run her bath, start shampooing her hair. If you currently share the household chores, add one of her to your list. Every couple of weeks, start adding one of the new items. She will almost certainly notice and, hopefully initiate a conversation about these changes. Have a response ready for her. Tell her that the longer you have been together, the more you realize that your happiness comes from making her happy. Tell her you feel like she is the naturally stronger personality in your relationship, and you have always felt like she is the head of your household. Tell her that you like it this way and only wish that she would acknowledge the fact and take a more active leadership role in the relationship. All of this dialogue will certainly open an opportunity for you to either pull back if you feel the conversation is going beyond your comfort level, or accelerate the conversation if you feel like you have an opening.

You won't be truly happy until her leadership in the marriage is affirmed. Be strong and take these next incremental steps. Let us know how it goes and we will post new suggestions to accelerate your ascendancy into submission for others to read about.

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What is the most common question that people ask you in letters to your site?

Cal in Florida

Ken responds...

This is a short simple question, but I thought in answering it I could make a couple of points to the community. Far and away the most common category of letters that we receive are from men who are trying to escalate their submission to their wives/girlfriends. They want to go from what we commonly refer to as stealth submission to a more overt submission where the women recognizes her authority in the relationship and formally acknowledges and acts upon her leadership position. The above letter is yet another example of this type.

This should serve as a comfort to men in a similar position to know that they are not alone. Others struggle with this same issue, and others overcome this issue and finally take on the formal submissive role that they so crave. It should also serve as an indicator to women that if they even suspect that their husband/boyfriend is submissive, they should not hesitate to fulfill him by formally taking the dominant role in your relationship.

By way of expanding on the your question, I can make some other general comments about the letters we receive. One, they are overwhelmingly from men. Letters from men outnumber letters from women by at least five, maybe ten to one. A key difference between letters from women and letters from men is that men seem to be much more certain of the fact that they desire loving female authority before initiating it in the relationship. Women, on the other hand, often seem uncertain of whether or not it is right for them until after they have been practicing it. This further makes my point that women should abandon any inhibitions about initiating LFA in their relationships.

One final comment about letters that we receive is that we wish more of them were written with this published letters section in mine. We cannot answer all of the letters that we receive with a personal reply, and we primarily desire letters that we can use to help others that come to this site. Please tell us as much about the history of your relationships as possible, and try to refrain from mentioning topics that are clearly outside the intended, low-key tone of the site.

Please, however, know that we love getting letters from our readers. If you have an experience that you feel could help others if you shared it, by all means, send it to us.

December 2005

Letters from Women

We just spent some time with family over the Thanksgiving holiday. My brother-in-law, who has always been a jerk at family functions, seemed like a new man. He offered to help with the cooking, he pulled out my sister's chair when she sat down to dinner, and he insisted on cleaning up the entire dinner while we all sat in the den and talked.

I asked my sister what was up. She wouldn't say, except to tell me that she had a secret. After a week of prodding, she finally told me that Jerry, her husband, had confessed to her that he wanted her to be in control. He had seen your site, followed your suggestions, and with little hesitation, my sister was all over it.

My question to you is how I get my husband on this plan. Do you think all men have this in them? My husband has never been a jerk like Jerry, but he is definately the caveman type of guy that has to sit at the head of the table. I just find it hard to believe that he's got a submissive side that just needs to be dragged out of him.

Mary Beth in Tennessee

Emily responds...

Do all men have it in them to be the submissive? I don't know for certain. However, the more I have been involved in this site, the more I am beginning to think so. My husband is certainly of the opinion that his own submissive nature is innate. He thinks that most if not all men are born with a desire to submit to women, and some men's life experiences tend to bring this out to a greater degree than others. I know that his opinion is shared by others that write about this topic on the web.

As to what do to about it in your own marriage, I admit that there is very little information about it on our website. I have commented on it in past letters sections, but the focus of the site is on the much more pervasive number of men that already know they want to be controlled by their wives. The book, Around Her Finger, does devote much more attention to the challenge of a woman that wants to spark submission in her husband. I am sending you a copy of the book as I think you will find it helpful.

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Your site is extremely tame compared to much of the other material on female domination on the web. I am very glad for this, as I do not think I would ever have agreed to try a female-led household if my husband had pointed me to some of the racier sites that are available as my first foray into these ideas.

However... now that I have dipped my feet into the lake so to speak, my interest in trying new things is peaked. But since my husband approached me with your very tame site, I wonder that I might be shocking his sensibilities to take things in a new and maybe more intense direction. What are your thoughts on this?

Unsigned

Emily responds...

The above author and I exchanged a few more emails and I have a better idea by what she means by a more intense direction. I will not share those details here, but I will tell you that there is plenty of information available on all of these activities to anyone equipped with a web browser and fifteen minutes of time.

What most submissive men really want is the sort of loving female authority that we describe on our site. These same men may fantasize about more illustrious activities, but these activities absent true LFA would never really satisfy them. No woman should ever feel obligated participate in activities which she finds objectionable. However, if she would like to experiment with these activities, it is my very certain opinion that he would be open to her desires. When I showed Ken this letter, he was so certain that the husband would welcome this acceleration of intensity that he could only respond with a laugh as he nodded in agreement.


Letters From Men

First of all, I would like to thank you for your site. It has taken many years for me to realize I have submissive tendencies and acknowledge them to myself, much less admit them openly to my wife. I have been practicing stealth with my wife for at least the last 10 years. It was not until finding your site a few months ago that I found the courage to try to express my feelings to my wife. Although things have not worked out as I hoped because my approach was more than a little ham-handed as you will see below, your site has liberated me for which I will be forever grateful. In addition to writing to thank you I am writing to ask your advice. About five months ago I wrote what I thought was a romantic letter to my wife expressing my feelings about her and my desire to submit to her. I now realize that my letter was anything but subtle and romantic. Here’s why. Years ago when my wife and I were first dating I was not aware of my submissive tendencies. One night after dinner together we were sitting at our favorite bar having an after dinner drink. When she finished her drink she put her hand directly on to my crotch and suggested that we leave. I was flabbergasted, in heaven, elated, excited and from that moment on forever hers. We left the bar and slept together for the first time that night. To me this was the most important evening of my life so I started out my “romantic” letter to express my desire to serve my wife by recounting this memory. I was trying to explain that on that night I first submitted to her and fell totally in love with her. But it came out all wrong.

I now realize that while my letter was sexual, it was not romantic. And the result was far from what I wanted or expected. I put the note to my wife in a truly romantic card about how she means the world to me. We went out to dinner at a favorite neighborhood restaurant and before dinner I gave her the card with my note inside. I ended the note by saying I did not expect her to react to it then, but that I hoped we could talk about it later. Several days later I gave her your book, Around Her Finger, hoping it was open the way for a conversation.

Well . . . to make a long story short, later has never come and I fear we will never discuss my desires. All she has said is, “why are you doing this to me?” Since then when I have tried to broach the subject she has refused to talk about it. She thanks me for what I do around the house and what I do for her, but she refuses to tell me what she wants me to do or how to act. My wife actually seems to be competing with me by trying to do more and more work around the house than she used to. I have continued to practice stealth submission by doing chores around the house, getting up early to make coffee that I bring with the newspaper to her bed, giving my wife backrubs and foot rubs when she will let me. However she often refuses to let me do these things. I know that my letter got my confession of a desire to submit to my wife off on the wrong foot. I am willing to do anything I have to to set things right with her.

So my question is what do I do now? I know that I must obey her wishes and if she doesn’t wish to let me submit to her or tell me to do things for her, then I have to accept that too. Still I desperately crave my wife’s authority in my life and for her to tell me how to act and what to do to bring her pleasure. I feel like I cannot be whole until this happens. Is there anything I can do to repair the damage my letter did? Will I ever be able to get her to not only be the supreme authority in my life, but also to act like it in a direct way? What steps should I take now? Please help me."

Unsigned

Emily responds...

While Ken typically responds to letters from men, I have had an ongoing email dialogue with the author of the above letter, and wanted to comment on this myself.

Many submissive men have been struggling, consciously or unconsciously, with their desire to submit to women for their entire lives. At certain periods in their lives, their submissive feelings occupy so much of their waking thoughts that it becomes nothing short of an obsession. When this happens, it is almost impossible for these men to put themselves in the mindset of the women to whom they wish to confess their desires for submission. To successfully nurture her dominance, however, you have to be able to understand her.

She has probably never heard the term "loving female authority". To her, male submission and female dominance is the stereotype presented on sitcom television. I promise you that most women do not relish the notion of turning in their existing self-image for that of the latex-clad dominatrix that exists on the fringes of popular culture. In the case of the letter that you sent to your wife, it started with a very sexual anecdote. Granted it was one in which she participated and even initiated, but still, you described it in a way that I felt was crass and was certainly a weak start to expressing your thoughts.

Go back and try and think about how you can present your submission to her in the context of how she views herself today. Do it in small steps. A man who has been shouldering the burden of household chores for some time, as you seem to have been doing, might look for a way to escalate his service to his wife. You might bring her a drink and sit at her feet one night in front of the television. Bring some lotion and start rubbing her feet. If you sense that she feels guilty for indulging herself in this pleasure at your expense, tell her that the more you have matured, the more your love for her has grown, that you find yourself looking for ways to make her happy. In fact, it makes you happy to do these things for her. Get her to accept this potentially radical notion before moving on to the next step. This may take weeks. It may take months.

What would be the logical next step? It might be that you wait for a large household decision on which you might have some minor disagreement. Cede the decision to your wife and let her know why. Tell her that while you might have some reservations about the choice she wants to make, you have seen time and time again that her judgement is better than yours, and you prefer to follow her lead. Tell her that in fact, she makes a better head of the household than you do. Tell her that for some time, you have considered her such. Count all of these small steps as major wins. She will begin to accept her leadership role on her own terms. This is important.

So what are the bigger steps that you can take as you begin to build up to the confessional conversation that we describe in the book and on the site? You go from rubbing her feet to licking her feet. You go from foot massages to buying a massage table. You explain to her why sometimes you like to be intimate with her, but not have orgasms. You let her know that it is particularly exciting if she be the one to ask you to stop short of a climax.

Unfortunately there is no formula. There are principles to consider that will make you more or less successful. I know that you can regroup with a more steady approach and be successful in developing a female-led household in your own marriage.

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Maybe your male readers can benefit from my mistakes. After graduation from college, I married my high-school sweetheart and set about to realize my ambitions by starting my own company so I could acquire all those material things necessary to fulfilling the American dream. For both of us, our twenties were all about learning to live and work together to provide greater security. For me, personally, there was no need for introspection. I simply combined what I had been taught with my own innate abilities to make myself competitive in whatever I chose to do. In the meantime, my wife worked to help financially support my efforts, which eventually succeeded in providing us with a very comfortable lifestyle.

When I finally reached the point where I could stop to smell the roses, I was overcome with a recurring deep seeded need for submission that I had successfully buried for years under layers of work-related responsibilities. However, this need was no longer to be denied and, after eight long years of hiding this side of my personality, I finally worked up the courage to reveal it to my wife. Needless to say, she was anything but sympathetic, empathetic, or even kind. In addition to announcing she wasn’t the dominant type, she made it clear that she didn’t understand the need, didn’t want to understand the need, didn’t wish to discuss it any further, and suggested I seek professional help. And that, as they say, was that!

In a word, I was devastated. Because her rejection of this side of my personality was so painful, I treated it as an over-all rejection of me. Although we never spoke of this again, it drove a wedge between us that got driven deeper and deeper until I finally asked for a divorce several years later.

In hindsight, I did everything wrong and for purely selfish reasons. However, in my own defense, this was before the era of the Internet informational super highway and, although Female-led relationships might have existed, they certainly weren’t discussed the way they are today. Authorities like Emily Addison didn’t have the benefit of offering her advice in such an open, international forum. Had I had the benefit of a knowledgeable female’s insight, my approach would have been totally different, and maybe the results would have been different, too.

What would I do differently? I would not reveal my submissive desires until I thoroughly understood the dynamics involved, and I was thoroughly prepared to make good on all my promises. I would focus on how such a relationship directly benefits my wife. For my wife, financial security was paramount. I would explain how I was willing to have a checking account created in her name giving her exclusive control over our finances. In addition, I would explain how my paycheck would be deposited directly into her account, and how I agreed to an allowance in an amount determined by her. I would also explain how I agreed to assume responsibility for those domestic tasks and duties she assigned to me, and how I was prepared to increase my physical and emotional support of whatever she chose to do. In purely practical terms, trying to convince her to buy into this kind of relationship is similar to a salesperson overcoming buying objections. Unless the prospective buyer can be convinced that her investment (in this case emotional) will greatly improve her life, there is no chance of making a sale. Additionally, I would make every effort to let my actions speak louder than words by demonstrating my love and devotion to making her life easier and more rewarding.

Just having the courage to reveal your desires doesn’t necessarily mean they will automatically be fulfilled. Achieving your goal of living under the loving authority of a Female-led relationship requires a good deal of delicate diplomacy in an open, honest and safe forum where everyone’s opinions will be respected. If I ever again have the chance to approach the one I love with the prospect of sharing a Female-led relationship, I will definitely put her needs way above my own.

Unsigned

Ken responds...

This letter seems such a perfect follow-up to the previous letter. It is both a warning that these ideas are powerful and often elicit negative reactions when presented imperfectly. It is also a treasure of wisdom from someone who has learned from his mistakes.

Describing the slow revelation of your desire to submit to your wife as a sales effort is an interesting analogy. While many professional salespeople are often portrayed as fast-talking, hard-driving hucksters, the successful salespeople that I have know have been more calculating in their approach. Just as the writer suggests, potential submissive husbands should analyze what elements of a female-led household will have the most appeal to their wives. Position and deliver these benefits and work on the more challenging areas with patience and perserverance.

The consequences of a negative sales effort are demonstrated in both of these letters. Never lose sight of the fact that a rushed and poorly executed effort can have very significant emotional consequences in the relationship. Risk is always present when the stakes are high.

November 2005

Letters from Women

I think that in introducing your site to me, my husband did not realize what he was unleashing. I want to share my story with you because I think it represents both an opportunity for women, but also a dose of reality for men.

My husband gave me your confessional CD for Valentines Day last year. He made me a nice dinner, gave me a massage, gave me an uncharacteristically selfless love making session, and finally, handed me a Valentines card containing the CD. I listened to it the next day and was just blow away. I know you get sick of hearing about this, but I had no idea that my husband had this in him. I did some research on my own (went to your site, talked to a close friend that I could trust), and finally ended up going through the process of formalizing my authority in the relationship. At the time I told him that we are either doing this one hundred percent or not at all. It has to be I’m in charge, he obeys. No exceptions, no compromises. He agreed.

I noticed that there was a honeymoon period in which he practically followed behind me kissing the ground I walked on. Gradually, he started to slack off a little. One Saturday morning he got up and went golfing without even telling me what he was doing. This was not acceptable. I decided to take some dramatic steps to both test his sincerity, and restructure our lifestyle in a way that I had always wanted to do anyway. Let me explain.

At the time, both my husband I worked. He was the primary breadwinner with my income being about a third of his. As I looked at where our money went, it became obvious to me that my salary was only supporting his expensive hobbies. He had a third car, an expensive sports car, that he only drove on weekends. He golfed often. When you add up the membership at his club, the green fees, etc., golf was a very expensive hobby. He was also very careless with all the little expenses. He spent about a hundred to a hundred and fifty dollars a week on lunches, Starbucks coffee and incidentals.

When he came home that afternoon from golfing, I told him that there were going to be some changes. I told him that we would be discussing these changes later in the evening. I definitely wanted him to be in a particularly submissive mood when I revealed my intentions, so I gave him a list of things I wanted done in preparation for our conversation. These included cooking me dinner, opening a bottle of wine, giving me a foot rub, and of course, going down on me. The foot rub and the oral sex were to be done with him completely nude. I have found that this humbles him in a way that really appeals to his submissive nature. When we finally got around to having our conversation, we had both had a little wine and he remained in front of me on his knees looking up at me while I spoke to him.

I told him that I planned on selling the sports car. I told him that I would be canceling his membership at the golf club. He would still be allowed to golf, but only as a special reward when I thought it was appropriate. I told him that I would be putting him on a forty dollar a week budget. All of this, I explained, was so that I could quit working. This was what I wanted and I expected him to support my intentions.

He was in such a state of submissive euphoria that he immediately and enthusiastically agreed. While in the days and weeks that followed, I think his enthusiasm for the plan wavered, he continued to honor my expectations. The car was sold, the membership cancelled, and the strict budget enforced. Now, months later, it seems like we have been living in the honeymoon phase all over again. This time it seems to be lasting much longer! I think he never expected that truly surrendering to me would have such drastic implications, but once it happened, he discovered what it was really like to live his life with me in charge.

I think that if he knew that giving me that CD would have cost him his toys and expensive habits, he would never have done it. I also think that having done it, he is happier and more content that he has ever been in his entire life. Loving female authority truly set both of us free in ways we never could have anticipated.

Unsigned

Emily responds…

This is a great letter. It speaks to the difference between men that submit half-way and men that truly surrender to their wife. Congratulations on your courage to take the bold steps necessary to improve your relationship and your life.

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I live in an extremely conservative community and was raised to believe that the sort of marriage you discuss on your site is morally wrong. That said, my husband pointed me to your site and has made me aware that he would like me to give it a try. I am very uncomfortable with this whole idea. If I just tell him I’m not interested will that be the end of it.

Unsigned in Kansas City

Emily responds…

Thank you for taking the time to write me and share your concerns. My question to you is what specifically about a female-led household makes you uncomfortable? Your husband’s submission is a wonderful gift that is an expression of his deep felt love for you. It may be the case that his submissive nature pre-dated his relationship with you, but it is with you that he felt comfortable enough to come forward and express his desire to make it a reality in your marriage.

Sit down and talk with him. Make sure that he understands your concerns the same way that you want to understand his motivation to submit. In the end, he wants nothing more than to bring pleasure and happiness into your life.

However, if you decide that this relationship dynamic is not for you, his underlying submissive nature will still be with him. He cannot make it go away even if he wanted to do so. My advice is to embrace his submission. I am certain that you will grow not only comfortable with it, but that you will look back and wonder how you ever lived without it.

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Even when my husband and I first met, it was very clear that I had a very strong personality and he had what would best be described as a laid back personality. Our personality traits have always made me the defacto head of the household, as my strong opinions always tended to drive our decisions. It was not until recently that I came to realize that my husband’s initial attraction to me was probably a result of submissive feelings that he has had for a very long time. I only discovered this by accident.

I opened up the history file on the web browser on our shared computer looking for a website that I had gone to earlier in the week. What I saw shocked me. My husband had been spending time on sites dedicated to domination, female superiority, femdom, whatever you want to call it. While he had spent a great deal of time on your site, he had also visited other sites that go well beyond the topics that you discuss. Having now spent a great deal of my own time on those sites, I know that his interests go beyond the type of relationship that you seem to advocate.

Here is my dilemma. I am not really sure how I feel about all of this. I have not yet said anything to my husband. I want to approach him, but I do not know how to handle it. On the one hand, I am a little upset that he kept all of this a secret from me and spent all this time on the internet looking at these sites. On the other hand, I could definitely see using you as a role model to institute a wife-led household. What I don’t see myself doing is going to the next step and [participating in many of those other activities that seem to interest him]. What do you suggest that I do? I am anxious for your advice.

Unsigned in Virginia

Emily responds…

You are right to be a little upset by your husband’s activity on the internet. However, you should realize that many submissive men feel like they have no outlet for their feelings. The web offers a convenient place to explore their fantasies of loving female authority. Often the web offers a distorted image of female authority that appeals to the man’s more primal, sexual nature. I truly believe that what most of the men viewing this material really want is the sort of loving female authority that is described on our site. I think many of the activities that you described in your email (and I chose to edit) are simply symbolic of the female dominance that they seek and thus have an intense psycho-sexual appeal to many submissive men. Whether you ever choose to participate in those activities would be entirely up to you. You could certainly practice loving female authority without ever indulging him those fantasy scenarios.

As to my recommendation, I suggest you confront your husband immediately. Tell him that you know what he has been viewing on the internet. You know that his activity on the net spans the spectrum from our site to the sites featuring the more intense activities. Ask to him to confess his true feelings to you. Get him to tell you what he really wants. Does he really want a relationship like we describe on Aroundherfinger.com, or does he feel he wants/needs something more like that which the other sites describe. Know, however, that you are asking him what he wants only for your own information. You will ultimately give him what you want. You make it perfectly clear that you are in control, you expect to be obeyed, and you define the boundaries of your relationship. If necessary, tell him that you intend to monitor his internet behavior to make certain that the only female authority figure that he takes his cues from is you.

Letters from Men

I have often felt that I was insane for having the submissive feelings that have been with me since my childhood. Finding your site was such a relief to me. I realize that I am not alone in having these feelings. I also realize that by opening up to my wife about these feelings, she and I can become even happier together. Thank you so much for all the work that must certainly be involved in maintaining this site and keeping it up to date.

Unsigned

Ken responds…

Thank you for your very kind letter. It does require some work to keep the site updated, and also to respond to the many letters that we answer but do not publish on the site. We do it because we believe that the ideas on this site can really help the men and women that are open to trying them. We ultimately believe that female-led households make for happier marriages.

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I totally get your site. I feel like you reached inside my head and pulled out thoughts that I have been having for twenty years. My problem is that I am completely convinced that my wife won’t go for this. My question comes from the fact that I feel like this is an itch I can scratch with pornographic web sites. To me it seems like this is a victimless crime and that I don’t run any relationship risks by going this route. Can you convince me that I am wrong?

Jack in New Jersey

Ken responds…

Whether or not I can convince you that you are wrong, I don’t know. You are, however, wrong.

If you “totally get” this site, then you know that this relationship dynamic is not an itch that can be scratched by a pornographic web site. Loving female authority is first and foremost, loving. You could no easier replace it with pornography than you could replace the intimacy of a marriage with a prostitute. It is not slightly different, it is completely different.

Your reluctance to share your feelings with your wife and your habit of “scratching your itch” with pornography is certainly not a victimless crime. Both you and your wife are missing out on an opportunity for a more open, more fulfilling relationship based on your inaction.

I am sending you a copy of Around Her Finger and a copy of the Confessional CD in the hopes that you will take that all important step of sharing your true feelings with your wife. She deserves better.

October 2005

Letters from Women

I wonder if I could trouble you for an opinion. I am not sure whether my husband is submissive or not, but having heard you interviewed on the radio the other day (you did great by the way!), it certainly sounds like he has all the symptoms. I’m wondering if you wouldn’t mind giving me your best opinion as to whether or not he shows enough signs to confront him.

On my last birthday he bought me a little gift basket of lotions, bath gels, etc. Soon thereafter he started offering me foot massages where he would kneel in front and rub the lotions into my feet while I watched TV. Night after night he has offered to do this and I have been only to happy to let him. He has become increasingly bold in this activity, having now started to kiss and lick my feet before he begins rubbing in the lotion.

Out of nowhere he started doing all of the laundry. Without fail, he always does mine before his own. He also now regularly makes our bed for the first time in our marriage. He has always cooked a lot, but now he asks me what I want to eat before he gets started.

Sex is now nothing like it was before. If it used to be ten percent foreplay and ninety percent intercourse now it’s ninety percent foreplay and ten percent sex. On some nights I am certain that he has pulled out of me before he had an orgasm. On these nights he is even more inclined to cuddle and talk after sex.

So, having read all of that, do you think he fits the mold? If you think he is submissive, I’m very inclined to encourage him. Any advice you have would be greatly appreciated.

Unsigned in Atlanta

Emily responds…

Thank you very much for the letter, Annette. My opinion is that your husband is definitely submissive. I may be the wrong one to ask as I am inclined to think that most men are submissive to one degree or another. Most men just never have the courage to admit it to themselves or to let it show if they do. Your husband, however, clearly is letting it show. On the outside, he is giving you subtle hints that he wants to put you on the pedestal. On the inside, he is screaming for you to be in charge. If you want to encourage him, I suggest you try ratcheting his behavior up by becoming increasingly demanding of him.

For example, one night, before he has a chance to get started on your foot rub, tell him – don’t ask him, tell him – that you are ready for your foot rub and for him to get started. When he is kissing your feet, tell him that you like it when he kneels in front of you and massages your feet because it makes you feel in control. Tell him you like being in control and ask him if he likes it.

Asking him increasingly definitive questions is a great way of nurturing his submission. Ask him if he likes the idea of you being in charge all the time. Ask him if he would be ok with him giving you oral sex and him getting nothing at all. Give him a list of some things you expect to be done around the house. Tell him that when they are all done to your satisfaction, he can again have intercourse with you, but until then, he needs to focus on your pleasure.

As you receive enthusiastic agreement with your new sense of power over him, you will ultimately have to formalize him by telling him that you are taking the reigns in the household. I have no doubt, based on the way you described your husband, that he will embrace his new role with incredible enthusiasm.

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My husband is the perfect man until after he has an orgasm. Then he rolls over like the ape that he was before we discovered your site. Is this normal?

Unsigned

Emily responds…

Normal is tough to define. Some submissive men make an effort to be doting and attentive after an orgasm, but truth be told, they just don’t feel the same afterwards as they did only moments before their climax. Don’t mistake this as a sign that their affection and devotion is not sincere, it is absolutely sincere. This is just the human hormone system at work.

I suggest you talk to your husband about this problem. Make him understand what you expect of him following intercourse. If he does not comply, be certain that you enact consequences. Also, be more strategic about when you let him have an orgasm. A teased man is putty in your hands.


Letters from Men

I have had submissive desires since my childhood. Even before puberty, long before I had any sense of how these desires would ultimately become entwined in my sexuality, I knew that the idea of submitting to a woman fulfilled me in a way that nothing else could. I do not know if this is an innate characteristic or the result of some series of incidents in my early life, but I prefer to think of it as an inborn predisposition, an evolution in male genetics, and so I do. As I grew older my submission began to express itself in ways that I only understand with the benefit of hindsight. For example, in high school I was drawn to girls that treated me badly. One particular girl comes to mind. She was a bit of a tease and she cheated on me on multiple occasions, but I always went back to her. Outwardly, I was very gregarious, athletic and popular, but inside I knew there was a part of me that liked how she treated me. I wasn't prepared to articulate it, but I knew it just the same. Also, it’s very important to know that she didn’t create my submissive nature; she merely took advantage of it. Over the next few years, I consciously resisted my submissive character. I even went so far as to rebel against it. In college I was generally disrespectful of women and had some relationships that represented little more than sexual conquests. After college, I found a middle ground of respect and independence and met a woman of great character to whom I have been married for over fifteen years.

My wife is beautiful and relatively open-minded, but she seems to have very little interest in nurturing my submissive nature to the extent that I wish she would. Ultimately, I think she is uncomfortable with it. I have discussed it with her in conversations that were admittedly awkward and reserved on my part. I never felt like bore my soul to her. Since my meek confession, she indulges me by letting me lick and massage her feet most every night and by allowing me to take on a greater share of the household chores. However, she seems to have no inclination to experiment with the artifacts of dominant sexuality that have such an intense appeal to me. Most importantly, she has not expressed to me that she really is the head of the household and expects to be obeyed. More than anything, I want to hear her confirm, and occasionally reinforce, a shared knowledge between us that she is in absolute control. I have struggled for the last several years with how to articulate my deeper feelings and desires to her without risking her rejection, but I have lacked the courage to follow through on my various brainstorms and discoveries. The Around Her Finger site, for example, seems like it has a lot to offer someone like me, but I have never had the nerve to share the site with her. I know that this must seem cowardly to you, but submission is so overwhelmingly a part of whom I feel that I am, that sharing the intensity of this with her so late in our relationship is a defacto confession that I have been keeping a secret from her forever. The reality is that I would much prefer to serve my wife with complete, perfect and spiritual devotion. It is only because she does not understand the depths of my submission and desires that I still feel unfulfilled.

Unsigned

Ken responds…

I believe you already do serve your wife with complete, perfect and spiritual devotion. You are not getting what you want out of this service because, as you admit, you have yet to confront her with the depth of your feelings. Eventually you will. Eventually this relationship will work as well for you as it now seems to be working for her.

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I am in the middle of my own personal campaign of stealth submission to my wife. My problem is that I just cannot keep up with my original intentions to do everything for her and make her life one of rest and comfort. I suppose I had no idea how much she did around the house. Now that I am trying to do it all for her, I simply cannot do it. With all the demands of my job, the list of chores I was already doing, and now her chores, I am overwhelmed. Do you have any suggestions?

Ken responds…

It is great that you finally appreciate how much work she has been doing. It is very possible that you cannot keep up. Emily, my wife, still does a certain work around our house simply because she is so much better at it than I am. Try to seek a balance that at least brings some much deserved relaxation into your wife’s day to day routine. This is a good first step in ultimately surrendering control to her.

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I wanted to share with you something that I did with my wife that has put her effectively in charge of a portion of my life.

I am careless with money. It’s not that I go out and make large, irrational purchases. Instead it’s all the little purchases that add up. I know this and my wife knows it. I decided I could kill two birds with one stone by sitting down with my wife and writing out a budget.

I say kill two birds with one stone because I am a submissive and a huge fan of your site. I very much want to submit to my wife, but I’m incredibly nervous about approaching this topic with her. In sitting down with her to work out a budget for me, I took a significant step towards relinquishing control to her. We have worked out my budget and she is completely on top of where my money goes. She is now effectively controlling my spending. This means that I don’t go to lunch, buy gas, or even buy a pack of gum without her knowing about it.

What I have found is that she enjoys this sense of control over me as much as I enjoy her having it. My intention is to build on this idea of her controlling my budget with new opportunities for her to control different aspects of my life. Once this transformation is in place, it will be much easier to sit down and discuss my true feelings with her.

I am writing now because I think others might find this strategy useful. I enjoy your site and really appreciate everything you do for us closet submissives!

Shane in Missouri

Ken Responds

What a great suggestion for a completely vanilla first step towards a wife-led household. You are building on the reality that she who controls the purse strings controls everything. I strongly suggest that male readers who have been reluctant to take the first step towards surrender to their wives take Shane’s suggestion to heart. It is a completely risk-free way to give her control without taking the larger step of confessing your true emotions.

In our own household, Emily keeps me on an allowance. It is a constant and pleasant reminder of her status as head of the household.

September 2005

Letters from Women

I divorced about a year ago after being married for almost thirty years and unhappy for at least the last five. I have been dating a man for several months and I am growing very fond of him. I am writing to you because he suggested I take a look at this site and let me know what I thought about it. I did exactly that telling him that I liked the idea of a man being so devoted to a woman really appealed to me. However, I also doubted that this sort of intense devotion was sustainable as he got older. He and I are both in our fifties.

What do you think about starting this late in life and how realistic is it to expect it can continue into our seventies and beyond.

Bev in New York

Emily Responds…

Bev,

I confess that I do not personally know couples that are in their seventies and eighties practicing a female-led household. I am sure that this is because these couples were raised in a different era where there was not openness to new ideas in relationships the way that there is today.

However, I will definitely say that the gentleman you are dating is entering into a time in his life when many men finally acknowledge their submission. A man in his fifties has a lifetime of experience to know first-hand the superior leadership skills of women. He is also becoming more comfortable with who he is and less concerned with fitting a stereotypical mold than he is just being happy. A self-confident, experienced man is always more likely to submit than a younger man still trying to figure out who he is. If this man wants to submit to you and you are ready to accept his submission, by all means do so. In my opinion, it is likely that this will only strengthen your relationship over time and make the future a paradise for both of you.

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I have noticed that your site is incredibly conservative and really focuses on the emotional closeness that a female-led household can bring to both couples. I wonder what your thoughts are on incorporating some of the activities that are more often associated with the stereotypical view of men submitting to women. Do you approve of activities such as these between a woman and her husband?

Unsigned in Florida

Emily responds…

You listed a number of activities in your email that I edited before posting on this site. These are certain activities that are symbolic of the husbands feeling of complete submission to his wife. While we don’t spend a lot of time discussing these activities on this site, they are powerful tools for building the loving bond between a wife and her husband in a female led household.

Keep in mind that this site is reserved as a safe harbor to introduce these concepts to individuals who have never been exposed to the idea of loving female authority. Therefore, I generally avoid these topics altogether. That said, there is nothing wrong with these activities and they can be a healthy part of any relationship between consenting adults. Likewise, they can be avoided by any woman that decides that they are not for her or are only reserved for very special occasions. It is, as always, her prerogative.

In order to address these topics more thoroughly, I will do my best to respond to individual questions, but only to women, and only those that will put their request into some context by sharing a letter of their own exposure and experience with a wife led household. Email me here and put “Request for Information” in the Subject line. I will respond to all the female requests as quickly as possible, but we are so deluged by emails as it stands now, that I will warn you that I will not be able to answer men that ask me to make an exception to my rule.


Letters from Men


I have just discovered your site within the last couple of weeks, and I have now read every word of it at least twice. I feel like this site not only perfectly reflects how I have felt for a very long time, but it adds to my own understanding of who I am and how I relate to my wife. As much as for therapy as for anything else, I want to tell you about my own lifelong struggle to come to terms with my own submissive feelings.

I don’t know how I ever came to have submissive fantasies. My own mother certainly was not overbearing, I have no recollection of a strong female authority figure from my early life, and all in all I had what would be considered a very normal and healthy childhood. However, I know for a fact that the concept of a man submitting to a woman has excited me for a very long time. I have very specific memories of being fascinated by this idea even prior to puberty. When puberty hit, the idea entangled itself with my sexuality and this combination has affected my relationships, consciously or unconsciously, ever since.

I have spent years denying and fighting my submissive feelings. It seemed to me as if no good could come from them. Describing it now, it seems harmless enough. It mostly just takes the form of fantasies that play in my mind. Living with it, however, it seems more like an addiction. There is an uncomfortable quality of not being able to stop thinking about it. Because it is so prevalent in my mind, I have incredible guilt that I keep the secret from my wife. It is such a strong part of who I am, and she is completely clueless. Nothing about my interactions with her could ever have been considered submissive. If anything, I have been a trying and difficult husband.

After finding your site, I am amazed mostly at how I have been missing the obvious. My wife, whom I love deeply, is the perfect outlet for my submissive desires. What an incredibly powerful way to express my love for her, by devoting myself completely to her happiness.

While she will probably never understand the depth of my submissive feelings, I have now resolved that I am going to begin a period of serving her (what you call stealth submission) and eventually get up the nerve to tell her about this site.

Unsigned in Georgia

Ken responds…

I predict now that you will enjoy the beginning of your stealth submission immensely, but you will ultimately crave her conscious knowledge she is in charge. I see you becoming the loving, devoted, submissive husband that you were always meant to be.

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Do you feel that the principles you talk about on your website would work if the gender roles were reversed? In other words, do you think that a man could be exercise loving authority over his wife?

Bill in New Mexico

Ken responds…

Bill,

My answer is a qualified, no. I won’t say that anything is impossible, and I am certain that there are many happy couples where the husband plays the part of the old-fashioned head of the household. However, I think there are a couple of good reasons why this is not right for most people.

One, women tend to be better decision-makers than men. They tend to more patient, less impulsive, and more empathetic in the way they dole out responsibilities. I think that they have many natural leadership qualities which make them the right choice to run the household.

Two, I think that for most men, submitting to the authority of their wives unleashes such a genuine and intense sense of well-being that will never be realized in a traditional relationship. Whether this is a natural, genetic trait of men I have no idea. I just know that it is an extremely common trait, even among those that never expected to experience it.

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Just a quick note to tell you that I have never been happier in my marriage. I agonized for years thinking not being able to share my feelings with my wife and thinking that I was the only one in the entire universe that had these feelings.

I discovered your site about six months ago. Even having read every word on the site, I remained reluctant to come forward. Then one day, about three months ago, we were both watching a television show where the female character was dressed in leather. My wife noticed how my attention perked up when the character appeared. She joking asked me if I went for the dominant type.

Little did she know what she was unleashing. I told her that in fact my greatest fantasy would be submitting to her. She agreed that she would give it a try, but she still didn’t quite get what I was after. I still think she only wanted to role play with a leather outfit in the bedroom. If I did not have your site which I could immediately send her to, I would not have know how to truly express my feelings to her.

To make a long story short, I now do all the laundry, all the shopping and all the cooking. She still has plenty to do just to keep our head above water, but she really appreciates the new twist in our marriage. She is growing in comfort level to tell me what she expects, and I am growing in my comfort level for letting her lead me. It is absolutely the greatest time of my life.

Clark in California

Ken responds….

Most women are so confused about this topic. We are glad that our site can offer some honest advice about the realities of a female led household and we are glad we were there when you needed us.

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I have seen the move to mainstream wife-led households referred to as the Around Her Finger Movement on blogs and in forums. Do you feel like you are driving some sort of societal change and that it is important to grow the number of wife-led households.

Unsigned

Ken Responds...

This is the first that I am hearing of this, but I don't doubt that it exists. I think that many people who believe in a principle or idea feel the obligation to share that idea and advocate its practice wtih others. Emily and I discussed this, and I think that we both agree that our objective is first and foremost to provide a resource to those that already know that this is the type of relationship that they desire. To the extent that we believe there are many, many men that secretly dream of submitting to their wives and believe they are the only ones in the world with these thoughts, then yes, we would like to reach those men. In doing so we will clearly be driving growth in female-led households. However, we do not see ourselves as champions of a matriarchal society in the sense that the term movement implies. We know that loving female authority works for us, we suspect it could work for many if not most marriages, but we do not see ourselves as champions of any sort of grand cause. We are just one couple that wants to offer our experience to others that seek the same sort of success that we enjoy.

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I got married ten months ago to a beautiful woman that I had been dating for about three years prior to our wedding. We had a great relationship from the start. The energy level of the relationship started out supercharged, like many do, as we were just sort of discovering each other. Then we went from the discovery phase to the wedding planning so the energy never really had a chance to diminish. It was only after being married a couple of months that we started to experience the withdrawals of all that energy. It’s not that we had any particular problem. It’s just that it dawned on both of us that the honeymoon was very literally over and now we had to get on with the reality of getting along together in a shared household.

About this time, unknown to me, someone made my wife aware of your site. She still won’t tell me who it was, but I have my suspicions. In any event, she started changing her behavior around the house. She was a little more playful sexually, but ultimately she was turning into an incredible tease. She was keeping me on edge constantly, and although I never would have predicted it, I loved it. She had me waiting on her hand and foot, doting on her constantly, and sexually it became all about her.

One night as I was kneeling in front of her rubbing lotion into her feet, she asked me if I had noticed any changes in our relationship. I had to confess that I had. She had become much more assertive and demanding of me, and I had never been happier in my life. She told me that she had very consciously made these changes, and she too was happier. She asked me to go to the computer and read through your site. When I was done I was to come back and discuss my reaction with her. I can tell you that my reaction was somewhere between confusion and euphoria. Even after reading your site, I didn’t understand why a female led household had such an appeal to me, but it felt so absolutely natural, that from that moment on I couldn’t imagine any other arrangement.

She made it clear to me that night that she had never loved me more. She would be in control in our marriage, I would be expected to obey her, but we would go on loving each other with just as much intensity as ever. Now, about nine months later, nothing has changed. We are the happiest couple in the universe. I owe it all to your site and whoever it was that first made her aware of it.

Carl

Ken responds…

Carl, it sounds like you are off to a great start. Your letter is one of a handful that we have received from newlyweds. We have published some of these letters in Emily’s new book designed especially for new brides called The New Bride’s Guide to Training Her Husband. It is sort of a tongue and cheek title that repackages much of what has already been said in my first book along with some fresh content geared at women entering into new marriage.

August 2005

Letters from Women

I love your site. I heard it mentioned on a morning radio show, and I had to check it out for myself. The ideas really appeal to me, but your site does little to counsel women like me that want to suggest something like this to their husband as opposed to the other way around. Do you have any ideas for women like me?

Mary Beth in Atlanta

Emily responds…

You are right in saying that our site is more focused on men who struggle with introducing these ideas to women than the other way around. I think you will find our book more balanced on this topic, but that said, I want to offer you some insights and suggestions on how you can move toward a female led household in your marriage.

First, know that most men will subject themselves to the authority of their wives if the wife is patient enough to nurture the husband’s submission. The nurturing process begins in the bedroom. Tell him at the onset of an intimate moment that you want to try something new, that you want him to follow you lead. If he refuses, just make sure that you withhold romantic attention from him until such a time that he wants to cooperate.

Have him strip naked. Have him give you a long massage. Be very forceful and explicit in terms of your expectations from him. Get him used to the idea that you are going to tell him what to do. Tell him that you want him to make sure that you receive your pleasure first and only then you will take care of him.

When you are ready to give him his attention, go very slowly. Use your hands and some lubrication to bring him close to his orgasm, but do not let him release. When he is on the brink of his climax he will do anything that you say. Tell him that you liked the way that things go when you are in charge in the bedroom and you want to continue experimenting with him. Make him commit that he will continue to allow you to be in charge of how the lovemaking goes for the foreseeable future. After he commits, reward him by letting him have his climax. You can either choose to bring him to climax with your hands or you can then allow him to penetrate you.

The next time that you are intimate with him follow a similar pattern. Keep this up for at least several weeks. If he resists, you may have to withhold intimacy from him until he finally comes around. Eventually he will, believe me. After this pattern has become routine, select a night where everything goes according to plan, up to and until the point that he is about to climax. On this night, hold out on him. Make him commit to do something around the house that he has been reluctant to do. When he commits, reward him as you promised. If he fails to commit to your request, simply deny him his orgasm.

By continuing this association of his orgasm with his willingness to obey you in the bedroom, you are setting the stage for expanding your female authority to other parts of your life.

As you move along with these techniques, you are eventually going to have to have a conversation with him about how your newfound authority makes him feel. To set the stage for this conversation, you need to let him know that you plan on keeping him on edge for a few nights. Tell him that it will all be worth it in the end.

To set the stage, give him an actual hardcopy list of your expectations for three consecutive nights. Make certain that the list includes household chores, romantic tasks (pouring you a glass of wine as you sit together in the evening, giving you foot rubs, massages), and finally… sexual tasks. The sexual task can be whatever you desire, but they should be about your pleasure and your pleasure alone. Also, anything that you can do in constructing these tasks to emphasize his submission adds a wonderful addition. For example, don’t just tell him to go down on you for one hour, tell him to “kneel before you” and go down on you for an hour. Better yet, have him lay you on your stomach with a pillow beneath your hips and go down on you from behind. This is a wonderful position for emphasizing a man’s submission.

After three nights of this truly selfless and loving behavior on his part, so long as you can assure that he is not masturbating outside of your presence, he will be absolutely prepared for what you will tell him. Remember, as is emphasized throughout this site, you cannot mince words when you speak to him. You need to tell him what you want and what you expect. You will be, in no uncertain terms, the head of the household. You expect him to embrace his role as the submissive partner in the marriage. Outwardly, very little will change in the relationship. Inwardly, there will always be a shared knowledge that your opinions and wishes are to be respected in the home as the final say on any matter.

After he has heard you out, get him to talk about his feelings. Suggest to him that he look at this site. Grow together in your new relationship.

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You have a lot of very positive stories on your site from couples that have followed your suggestions and put the wife in charge of their relationship. At the risk of revealing my skepticism, I wonder if you have any bad stories. My husband has recently approached me, and I am a little weary about trying this out.

Shelly in Rhode Island

Emily responds….

You certainly don’t have to apologize for your skepticism. This entire site exists largely because we anticipate your skepticism about ideas that seem so radical given your upbringing and your understanding of how relationships are supposed to work.

Truth be told, we have never received a letter recounting a negative experience. That does not mean that there haven’t been any, but I suspect that it at least suggests that they are in the vast minority. Go back and re-read our site carefully. Nothing has to happen that you do not want to happen. You are in charge of everything, including the pace and intensity of how you implement your authority in the relationship. If you choose not to try anything at all, that is also your prerogative. In my opinion it will be a missed opportunity for your husband and more importantly for you, but it is your prerogative nonetheless.

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My husband suggested that I look at your site about two months ago. It was such a casual suggestion on his part, that I ignored his request altogether until about a week later when he asked if I had yet had a chance to look at it yet. I finally took the time and was pretty shocked at what I saw. I wasn’t shocked in the sense that the content was anything over the top. To the contrary, it was pretty low key and it absolutely makes sense. I was shocked in the sense that he approached me with it. I’m sort of the typical soccer Mom, he’s sort of the typical suburban Dad. He’s out to work every morning with a “bye, honey” and home in the afternoon with a “hi, honey.” I never imagined that he was secretly keeping all of these submissive fantasies about me.

We talked about it for a long time. He has no idea why is he this way, but he’s had these submissive thoughts since before he met me. He’s just kept them hidden from me and everybody else. The night after I read your site was the best we ever communicated. I think I really understand where he is coming at with his need to submit to me, and I am totally convinced that our relationship (probably any relationship) will work better with the woman in charge. We have adopted the principle of loving female authority in our marriage with great success.

Ironically, I think I have always been some what dominant in our marriage. I suspect that my strong personality is part of what initially attracted him to me. As you have suggested, however, the dominant personality alone is not enough for my husband. My honey do lists used to annoy him, but not anymore. Before they were nagging, now they are something else entirely. I truly understand the benefits of cementing our roles with a formal conversation. Telling him that I would be in charge and he was expected to obey me was the greatest gift I could give him. Thank you so much for your advice.

Amy in California

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Emily responds….

I loved your letter and could not agree more with the sentiment you expressed in your last paragraph. I think you see how that is a recurring theme with the women that write into this site.

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I am getting married next spring and wanted to share with you a success story that your website has spawned for at least one set of newlyweds to be. As part of what he called full disclosure, my fiancé confessed to me that he has had a very long-held interest in a female led household. I didn’t even know what he meant by the term until he gave me the confessional CD that he got off of your site.

I was initially shocked by not only the fact that there are men that genuinely want a relationship like the one you describe on your site, but also by the fact that my fiancé was one of them. I listened to your CD, I read your book, I read everything on your site, but I still remained uncertain that this was right for me. After all, this is definitely not the way I pictured my marriage working out. I was raised and still remain a pretty conservative Midwestern girl. However, my mind was open, and now I am completely sold on the idea. Let me share with you the process with which I came to be convinced that both I and my future husband will be happiest in a female led household. I think it will help to convince a lot of other skeptical women that this sort of a relationship offers everything you promise.

After getting myself educated on this topic, I finally sat down to discuss it with my fiancé. We agreed that we would try a one week, modified boot camp approach like the one you lay out in the book. If it worked out, I would continue to incorporate loving female authority into our marriage, if not, I would agree to indulge his interests playfully in the future, but only as temporary and very self-contained adventures in the bedroom. Otherwise, our relationship would be just like it always was. Honestly, I thought that there was no way it would work out. I fully expected to enjoy the week, but I also thought that after seven days of chasing his tail doing all of my errands and seeing to all of my comforts, he would have had his fill of it. Was I ever wrong.

We don’t officially live together, but just the same he practically spends all of his waking and sleeping hours at my apartment. For the boot camp week, I made it official that I wanted him to stay away from his apartment and spend all his time, with the exception of work, at mine. I gave him lists of things to do around my place. I really didn’t think he could follow through on everything as the list was so long, but on the first morning, he woke up at 4:30 to get started. He did everything I asked plus things I didn’t ask him to do. When I woke up on that first morning, all of apartment was cleaned, my laundry had been washed folded and (where it needed it) ironed. He also had made coffee, prepared breakfast, and laid out my clothes (which he helped me into after I got out of the shower). After work, I went out for a drink with a friend to give him a little extra time to get home and prep for me. When I got home he greeted me at the door and led me to the couch where he proceeded to give me a foot massage. When I was ready, I had him open me a bottle of wine and serve me dinner. The after dinner massages and the (extremely unselfish) sex that followed was icing on the cake.

The next day, and the next day, and all the days that followed during that week pretty much went the same. What’s more, he was opening up and communicating with me like I had flipped a switch in him. At the end of the week my decision was easy. Not only did I enjoy my week in charge much more than I imagined that I would, I would never imagine having it any other way. Just as you suggest, I told him in no uncertain terms that from that point on I would expect him to obey me and respect my authority. In the weeks and months that have followed nothing has changed. We have never been happier and I never would have imagined that this would have worked so well.

Pam in Ohio

Emily responds…

Pam, on so many counts, you are an incredibly lucky woman. You are lucky to be marrying such a wonderful man and lucky he confessed his desire to serve you before you got married rather than after. So many men never confess their heart's desire, but his courage will lead to a better marriage for both of you.

On a related note, I have written a new book that is especially tailored to new brides. I’m sure it will make a great wedding shower gift for some of your friends! You can find it at our Lulu store by following this link:

http://www.lulu.com/content/144772






Letters from Men

After reading through your site, I think I may represent the exception to the rule. My wife is the one that introduced these concepts into my marriage. I had no idea that men were happily submitting to their wives in the way that I now do to mine. She more or less followed suggestions laid out in the story-line of your book, and it worked like a charm on me.

In retrospect, it is so blatantly obvious that this is a better way to relate to one another. How can any relationship work when two strong-headed people are constantly negotiating over who will get their way. Now I concede that she is in charge and I just dutifully follow along. It’s funny that I’ve always been the guy at work that said just tell me what to do, and I’ll do it and do it well. At home, I was the guy that said tell me what to do and I won’t do it at all. It’s amazing the freedom that I have found since just acknowledging that she is better suited to be in control than I am. I have discovered a better way of living and a more fulfilling emotional relationship as well. Thanks so much for this site.

Miles in Nevada

Ken responds…

Thank you, Miles, for the kind words.

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My wife and I actually established a female led household long before we heard of your site. I am fifty-eight and my wife is fifty-two. We have been living this way for about eighteen years. For us, it has been an incredible joy. Nothing makes me happier than doing things which please her, which in turn makes her incredibly happy. It is the perfect relationship.

One of the things that I have noticed is that we have gotten older and more accustomed to our respective roles, she has become increasingly demanding of me. She now does virtually no housework. She busies herself with her hobbies and interests and I busy myself cooking, cleaning, doing yard work and all the other things that running the household requires.

I wanted to share a story that I think your readers might find interesting. Once a month, my wife invites a group of her girlfriends over to the house and I prepare and serve them an entire meal. She does not life a single finger. Although none of her friends know about the depth of my submission to her, they all know that she is clearly the one that is in charge in our household. These monthly dinners only serve to reinforce this perception.

As her guests arrive, I greet them at the door and offer them a cocktail and show them a place to sit down and relax. As they sit down I bring them our appetizers on a tray and refill their drinks. I let them know when it is time for dinner and pull out the chairs for each of them. They always make comments about how well behaved I am, but always in a playful sense. They have no idea how fulfilling it is for me to serve my wife in this way by putting my submission on display in front of all of them. After our meals, the women retire to the living room for after dinner drinks as I clean up and put away all the dishes.

I ordinarily retire to my room to read or watch TV after cleaning up the dishes. On one night, however, my wife called me back out to the living room. Most of her friends had already left, but her best friend remained behind finishing off a bottle of white wine with my wife. I walked into the room and asked my wife what I could do for her. She pointed to the bottle of wine sitting on the coffee table right in front of me and instructed me to top off her glass and the glass of her friend. Now this bottle was immediately in front of both of them, they would only have had to bend forward to reach it. Furthermore their glasses were nearly full. Calling me down from the bedroom to top of their glasses was clearly a blatant demonstration of her authority over me. I poured the glasses as requested and asked if there was anything else I could do. She shocked me by telling me yes, I could go get the lotion and give her a foot rub. Ordinarily, when we were alone together, this was a standard request. She had never, however, had me do this in front of someone else. I noticed her casting a glance at her friend that seemed to say, “See, I told you so.”

When I returned to the room I knelt before her and removed her shoes. As I began rubbing the lotion into her feet she confessed that she had told her friend about the nature of our relationship. She said she was doing it because she felt that her friend could improve her own marriage if she would only consider implementing these ideas with her husband. We have given her your book and talked about your website with her. I think it is now only a matter of time before her husband becomes the next lucky initiate into the world of loving female authority.

Gil in Ontario

Ken responds….

We don’t typically advocate letting others in on the nature of your relationship, but it sounds as if they may end up working out for everyone involved. Please let us know how it works out. Also, I love the idea of the monthly dinner parties. There is nothing that makes many women happier than public demonstrations of affection and respect.