Monday, May 01, 2006

May 2006

Letters from Women

Dear Emily,

I cannot believe that I am writing you.

Although my husband has never mentioned your website, it is very clear to me that he is familiar with it. In fits and starts, he has told me that he is submissive, and I have come to accept and even embrace his submission. Because it might be helpful to others, I want to share our story as it has evolved so far. I also want to ask you a question, but I will save that until after I have level set as to where we are today in our relationship.

We have been married for thirteen years. With the exception of the time that my husband bought me a pair of fur-covered handcuffs for Valentines day the first year that we were married, I had absolutely no idea that he was submissive. In fairness, I am not sure that he knew that he was submissive. He admits that he has known that female domination related imagery and fantasies have always excited him, but he never even considered that a marriage arrangement like we now share could be possible not to mention desirable. He claims that it was a eureka moment that brought the idea to him, but I seriously doubt it. I doubt that he woke up one morning and just decided he would be happier if he could be submissive to me. I think it much more likely that he discovered your site and is afraid to admit this to me because it might suggest that he was looking for pornography and found your site by accident. In any case, I'll allow him his little white lie as where we are is more important than how we got here.

It was about two years ago that the changes began. All of a sudden, he was telling me that he would be happier if he could channel his energies into making me happy. He began with all the things that I have read about over and over on your letters pages. For him this included foot rubs, extra chores (more at some times than at others), sexual attentiveness, the purchase and very frequent use of a massage table, etc. We sort of talked about it, but he was reserved in his explanations and I was honestly not sure that I even wanted to understand what was happening. It seemed like he just went from being a selfish man, to a perfect husband. I was so happy with the change that I didn't really want anything to interfere with it.

Things did not continue without the fits and starts that I described at the opening of the letter. He would stop giving me the foot rubs and massages for weeks at at a time without any explanation. It was as if nothing had happened, and things had just gone back to normal. Because I did not really understand what was going on, and because neither one of us was really comfortable in talking about it, these fits and starts plagued our relationship and were a constant source of stress and confusion.

As many women who aren't communicating well with their husbands are likely to do, I went to some of my girlfriends to get their advice. One of them suspected that my husband was submissive and we together sat down in front of the computer to see if we could find any information on the internet. Let me tell you, it took a lot of sifting through some pretty wild content before we stumbled on your site. However, as we looked through everything on Around Her Finger, we both became convinced that this was the source of my husband's inspiration.

As a result of your site, and I supposed some trial and error on my own,I made some very real changes that have taken the highs and lows out of our relationship, or at the very least have made for many more highs than was the case before. One of the most important changes is that I have forced more of an open dialogue with my husband. As I have already indicated, he is still somewhat reserved and finds it difficult to talk about the topic, but we have made great strides. Just as you had suggested, the moment that we formalized our roles in the marriage was a major turning point for both of us. I asked him if he wanted to submit to me and if he understood what this would mean. He said that yes, he did want to submit, and yes he understood the implications. However, I was not sure that he really did. I explained that the days of turning on and off his submission based on his mood would have to be over.

He agreed, but let me explain what this has meant in practical terms. Let me start by describing what it does not mean. It does not mean that I receive foot rubs and full body massages every night. It does not mean that he does all the household chores. It does not mean that I always control the remote and never watch what he wants to watch. With all due respect, I sometimes read the letters on this page and find it very hard to believe that there are men and women living the lives that they describe. These perfect wife-led marriages seem no more likely to exist than does that perfect Ward and June Cleaver marriage portrayed in Leave it to Beaver.

What it does mean is that I receive foot rubs on most nights, and always when I request them. It does mean that I receive full body massages at least a couple of nights a week. It does mean that while my husband may not do all the chores (he works and I stay home with the kids), he does do more than any other husband I know and everything I tell him to do. Also, while I allow him to watch certain shows because I know he enjoys them, I also require him to stay in the room with me while I watch shows that he may not enjoy. It also means that he dotes on me in public and always strives to make me the envy of other wives due to his attentiveness and good manners.

His end of the bargain is the sort of reasonable submission that I describe. However, thanks to your site, I also understand that there are things that he wants or needs from me in order to maintain his submission. He needs me to frequently remind him of the arrangement that we have. I do this throughout the week and sometimes in ways that are more subtle than others. When just he and I are together, I always try to tell him to do things rather than ask him. I will often whisper things that I expect him to do into his ear and follow my commands with kisses on his neck. Anything I can do during the day that is intended to keep him on edge sexually is welcome by him.

As you know, the most important thing I do is to manage the way that he receives permission to orgasm. We have devised something that others might find helpful. I have two little jars, one of which is red and the other of which is green, on the night stand next to my bed. I purchased them both at a flea market. In the jars are three little polished stones. Whenever my husband does something sweet for me, I will reward him by moving one of the stones from the red jar and placing it into the green jar. Whenever he does something to displease me, the stones go in the opposite direction. When the three stones are all in the green jar, this becomes our unspoken signal that he is allowed to have sexual intercourse with me that brings him to orgasm. My orgasms always come first, this goes without saying, but the stones allow us a constant reminder that I am in charge of his sexual release.

So, having described where I am in my relationship, this brings me back to the question for you that I mentioned earlier. Because I had discussed my situation concerning the change in my husband's behavior with my girlfriends, several of them are now aware of his submission and to a certain extent the details of our new relationship. If I had it to do over again, I probably would not have handled it this way, but there is nothing I can do about it now. He is unaware of their knowledge, but perhaps I should discuss this with him. More to my question, however, is that they all want to figure out a way get the same dynamic working in their relationships.

One of my friends needs more help than the others. She is an incredibly attractive woman with a great deal going for her. Her husband is (to be polite) less cute than she is. He is also incredibly selfish and domineering with her. He works long hours, insists she does all sorts of housework beyond even normal standards (she changes sheets every day), and he spends little time helping out with their children, even on weekends. She has seen how happy I am now that I am practicing a wife-led marriage. How can I help her to achieve the same? Can a woman bring out the submissive side in her husband even if he doesn't know it exists? Does it even exist, in your opinion, in all men?

Your advice would be very welcome.


Emily responds...

Your letter is wonderful. You hit on so many of the pitfalls of new couples struggling to make loving female authority work in their marriages, and you provide such example-driven advice on how others can also be successful. I particularly like your red-jar/green-jar idea.

Your question concerning your friend is a good one. Very often, the wives of submissive husbands want to share the joy of loving female authority with others but are trapped by the obvious concerns for privacy that accompany the dynamic. In many ways, that is what makes the work that I do on this site so rewarding. In your case, however, the cat has more or less been let out of the bag, and now you need to know what you can do to help another woman in need.

Let us start with a couple of basic ideas. First, if your friend has not already done so, have her read our site in great detail. Make certain that she understands the core principles associated with the site and make yourself available to answer any questions she may have. Secondly, I am going to send you an electronic copy of our book. If you send me your mailing address, I will mail you a physical copy. The book, even more than the site, provides perspective for the woman that is struggling with a husband for whome his work routine and bad habits have led to a less than ideal marriage.

One thing you did not tell me was whether or not your husband and her husband are very close. Assuming that they are, your husband should be enlisted to share some high-level thoughts on how much happier he has become since he has put you on a pedestal and made your pleasure the focus of his energies. Your friend should then wait for the appropriate moment to share the book with her husband. It is doubtful, unless he is one of the many men that are fully conscious of their desire to submit to women, to read the book if it is just handed to him. However, she should give him the book and tell him that she has read it, and that she wants to explore some of the ideas in the book. This will allow him an opportunity to go back and read about the ideas behind what she will then be putting into practice on him. Most importantly, she should seize upon her sexuality as the tool to gain authority in her home. He needs to be told what is coming, and then experience, her taking control of him through the management of his orgasms. He is likely to resist, but if she can convince him to agree to a trial period, he will learn first-hand what loving female authority has to offer him.

Can every man be controlled this way? I really cannot say, but I doubt it. Most of the men that flock to our site are just like your husband. They want to submit to their wives and need the courage and the right words to convince their wives that this is what they want. However, I think that if your friend reads the site and the book, she can develop an understanding of principles that will allow a long-term transformation in her marriage.


(Note: The following is the first part of a two part letter. I received the first part of the letter early in the month. The second part of the letter is an explanation of what happened after my advice was followed.)

Dear Emily,

My husband's 40th birthday is coming up, and I have been asking him what he wanted for his birthday. He didn't really have an answer until last week. He left for work in the morning, and he left me a note saying that if I really wanted to know what he wanted, take a look at the website he left open on the computer. To say I was shocked at what I found on your website is the understatement of the year. Nothing that he has ever done has ever given me a clue that he wanted this sort of relationship. If anything, I thought he wanted the opposite. I called him at work and told him that he must be joking, and he said no, this was what he wanted. His birthday is next week. What should I do? I am open to trying this, but nervous that it is going to turn out to be sort of weird. Please don't just tell me to talk to him about it. It's not that simple. I'm not really comfortable talking about this. I don't even know what to say.


Emily responds...

I am so glad you wrote. Please know that it took a world of courage for your husband to make you aware of his feelings. His desire to submit to you is first and foremost a way of expressing love and adoration for you given the difficulties that he probably has in opening up and verbalizing his feelings. Given that you confess to having some communication and comfort issues of your own, here is what I suggest. Please consider it only a loose plan and modify it as you see fit given your relationship.

  1. First, write your husband a letter or an email explaining your intentions. Many people have an easier time writing about topics that make them uncomfortable as opposed to verbalizing them. Tell him that beginning on his birthday, you are willing to give a wife-led relationship a chance, but that first he has some homework to complete (see step 2).
  2. You first want him to write you a letter. In that letter, you want him to open up about his submissive feelings. How long has he known that he is submissive? How long has he thought about revealing this side of himself to you? What fears and concerns did he have in sharing this information with you? How does he see your relationship changing as a result of this dynamic? What will he do to serve you? What does he hope for from you in return?
  3. After you receive the letter, explain to him that you will give the relationship a two week trial period, after which you can re-evaluate that this is what you both want. That trial period will begin on the evening of his birthday, and during that trial period you expect him to be completely obedient to your wishes for the following fourteen days. If you have anything specific that you want him to do for you during this trial period, write these things down for him. For example, you may expect nightly massages, foot rubs, etc. You may want to provide a list of the chores for which you expect him to be responsible.
  4. During the first five to seven days of the trial period, make certain that he is intimate with you every night. This may mean that he is providing you oral sex, or it may just mean that you two are necking on the couch. The point is that he should be aroused as a result of this intimacy. After five to seven days, allow him his first orgasm. Then repeat the process of denying him an orgasm so that his submission to you is once again exagerated by the end of the two week period.
  5. As you approach the last night of the trial period, have him write you another letter telling you his thoughts and feelings over the last two weeks.
  6. On the last night, have him kneel naked in front of you and read the letter to you.

At this point you will make a decision regarding whether or not you want to continue with a wife-led relationship. I suspect that you will both have enjoyed it tremendously and that neither of you could imagine abandoning it. Importantly, if you decide to continue, make it very clear to him that you expect your authority to be respected, and that you expect his continued obedience.

(Part 2: I received this letter two days ago, a little over three weeks after receiving the first.)


Wow! I cannot thank you enough. I was the one that wrote you a letter telling you that my husband wanted me to look at your site when I asked him what he wanted for his birthday. I followed your plan almost to the letter, and my husband has become the most doting, affectionate man in the world. I am happier. He is happier. This is awesome! Even if it does not last, I cannot imagine ever going back to the way we were. We talk more, we are more able to open up to each other. Our sex is so much more romantic (and satisfying for me) than it was before. I just cannot say enough to thank you.

My husband says that he has felt submissive since the earliest days of our marriage. I wish I had given him this present for this 30th birthday!


Emily responds...

I love your story. Consider that the two of you may not have been ready for loving female authority ten years ago. There is an incredibly mature, sophisticated attachment that builds between two people that allows this to work as well as it does for you two. I am publishing your letters on our site as encouragement to every cautious man that reads our site.

You all know what to ask for on your birthdays!

Letters From Men

Dear Ken,

I was wondering whether you would do me the honor of giving me your expert advice. The problem is that the one morning my wife wakes up in a dominant mood and then the next day she wakes up and she is exactly the opposite. She then asks my permission for even the most trivial things.

I guess it also does not help that I am short tempered and every now and then loose my temper and forget my place with her. It makes me quite annoyed that she takes that. The more I tell her she should not tolerate it the more she does.

Signed Peter

Ken responds...

As to your first point, I think many women are not comfortable in playing the dominant role all the time. You should welcome the fact that she is willing to take charge at all and discuss with her that it is at these times that you feel most at home in the relationship. This is ultimately about serving her, so if she wants to exert more control at some times than at others, this is her perogative and you must learn to accept it. Just be certain that the channels of communication are open so that you both understand what is and what is not working in the relationship.

As to your losing your temper and wishing that she would not tolerate these instances, I can only tell you that I have very little sympathy for you. While none of us are perfect, or even perfectly submissive, lapses in your obedience and service to her are your problem not hers. The wife-led marriages that we advocate are about truly surrendering to her, not manipulating her into actions and reactions that fit your fantasy scenarios.

You are on the right track, just be patient and, most importantly, be focussed on making this work for her.


Dear Ken,

I am so sure that my wife is not going to go for this. She is active in our church, active in the PTO, extremely conservative, and generally pretty quick to judge.

Am I just being paranoid? What's the worst that can happen?


Ken responds...

We do not take the position that every woman will embrace loving female authority. Some women will just not feel comfortable assuming the alpha role in the relationship. However, I can tell you that we have received countless letters from men and women that felt as certain as you do that LFA would never work in their relationships only to discover that it did.

What's the worst thing that can happen? If your wife loves you, she may reject the notion of a wife-led marriage, but she is unlikely to reject you.

You need to make your own decision as to what the upside and downside of discussing your feelings with your wife might be. Just make the decision on the basis of sound reason and judgement, not on the basis of fear.