January/February 2011 Updates
Happy New Year!
Thanks to all of you who wished us well over the holidays. This community continues to give back to us in so many ways. We remain thankful for the opportunity to be a part of your evolving relationships. The path to an Around Her Finger relationship is not necessarily easy, but it is always rewarding. Make whatever resolutions you must in order to realize your potential in 2011.
Around Her Finger, can now be found at Amazon.com. Here is the link below:
As always, our books and CD’s can be found at: www.lulu.com/aroundherfinger/
Lulu now offers an Ipad version of the all of our books!Send questions, comments and success stories to Emily (dot) Addison (at) Gmail (dotcom)
Letters from Women
My husband of fifteen years gave me your book on the first day of the New Year as a commitment to follow through on his New Year’s resolution. I have just finished reading it, and I have to admit that I am absolutely and utterly shocked that he would want this from me. My shock, however, is only matched by my delight. It seems like years of sometimes odd and unexplained behavior now makes sense when I look back at it through the prism of his new openness on this topic.
I want you to know that beginning this weekend, I am going to embrace this with all of my heart. I believe that there is something in this for both of us, and I feel that for the first time that I have the tools and the understanding to really make the most of our relationship together.
You warm my heart with your optimism and enthusiasm. I am certain that this will be a wonderful step forward in your marriage.
My husband and I have always had a very open and understanding relationship. I understood that he had an inclination to submit to me even before we married, but after marrying, we embraced his submission as a couple, and have lived a life very much like you describe on your site. We did this before discovering Around Her Finger, but we still enjoy your updates section [and other sites], as it gives us ideas and energy for own relationship.
While those that know us both can clearly tell that I am the alpha spouse in the relationship, we have never been forthcoming about the depth and nature of my authority in the home. Our family and friends just think of him as “whipped”. I know you have counseled other couples to be similarly discreet, so I know that our choice in this matter is consistent with your advice on the topic. However, over the holidays, our discretion took an accidental nose dive off of a cliff, so I am writing now for your advice on how to handle my current situation.
Over the years there have been several minor and unintentional cracks in our secret as it relates to my brother-in-law’s (my younger sister’s husband’s) knowledge of our LFA marriage. There were no smoking guns, but just some things we wish he hadn’t seen or overheard. For example, he one time heard me scolding my husband and heard my husband’s very obedient and reverent “Yes, Ma’am” replies. These were nothing, however, compared to what happened two days before Christmas when my sister and her husband came in from out of town to stay with us. It was in the middle of the day, and my sister told me that she and her husband were going out to do some shopping and would return just in time to go out to dinner with us. Unbeknownst to me, my sister’s husband backed out at the last minute and opted to take a mid-day nap on the living room couch. The back of the living room couch faces out to the hallways, so when my husband and I stood in at the base of the stairs right outside this room, we had no idea that he was lying stretched out on this couch.
We [said and revealed a number of things that made the nature of our relationship obvious but do not bear repeating here]. Long story short, my brother-in-law had only just lain down to take his nap, and he was not even half-way asleep. He heard everything. I suppose he could have remained in repose behind the back of the couch, but he sat up and gave us a look of near disbelief. My husband and I scurried off to our bedroom, but the cat was very much out of the bag. After collecting our wits and discussing the best option, we walked out of our room to speak to my brother-in-law together.
We explained our relationship. We actually talked about your site and told him that it was very much descriptive of our relationship. We explained that this is way more common than many would ever suspect. We told him that we understood if he felt that he needed to talk to my sister (his wife), but we asked that once he made the decision on whether or not to share the story with her, that he let us know his decision. We are certainly not ashamed of our lifestyle, but we understand that it is not without controversy, and we wanted to be prepared for any possible reaction she might have had.
I should not have been surprised by his response to our conversation, but the fact is that it knocked me off my feet. His indicated that he would be happy to keep our secret if that was our desire, but he would rather share the story for the very simple reason that he desired the exact same dynamic in his own marriage. For a very long time, he had been harboring an intense desire to submit to my sister.
He was clearly sincere. While he was not familiar with your site, he was familiar with [certain other sites related to the same topic]. Also, he was very familiar with [certain topics] about which I cannot imagine he would have possessed such detailed knowledge without a passion for inquiry inspired by genuine interest. He asked me if I thought my sister would be open to the idea. I told him I preferred not to speculate. I firmly suggested that he acquaint himself with http://www.aroundherfinger.com/, your books, and your update page. I told him that I would take it upon myself to write to you and seek your advice as to how we should all proceed, and that we would discuss as a group (he, my husband and I) whether or not to act on your counsel.
While I do not want to pressure you, I do value your input. What do you suggest we do? Also, I know your updates have been fewer and fewer recently. I do hope you will reply as quickly as possible with your ideas.
What an interesting predicament. I would love to be more challenged by your circumstances, but I am afraid that my decision is an easy one. I believe that if your brother-in-law desires to submit to his wife, then he needs to unilaterally approach her and open up about his feelings. He needs to face his fears, articulate his desires, and go through what may be prove to be a long journey to loving female authority as opposed to the quick turn that he no doubt believes your help would allow.
His loving submission to his wife is ultimately an intensely personal matter, and if it does not always remain as such, it should at least begin as such. This is enough to warrant my advice, but there is more. If you all go to her together, then she will feel overwhelmed and ganged up on. This seems like an incredibly unfair imposition.
Let this be between him and her. Be there for him as he takes his first caution steps, but only as a distant advisor and coach. Let this play out between this couple without your active involvement… please.
Letters from Men
Hello Emily and Ken,
First off, I want to thank you for your great website. I found it a few years ago, and had often thought about introducing the wife led marriage concept to my wife. We've been married for a little over five years. It just took a few years to build up the courage and to decide that I was really ready to surrender all control to her.
It was accelerated after I lost my job last year and started working for her new business (using my extensive business background to handle admin, accounting, etc.). So when that happened I started handling all the household duties, too. She was extremely busy and it just made sense. After several months of that and a few minor arguments about some pending decisions, I just felt that maybe it was time to admit my inner desire to submit to her. I told her in bed one morning about three weeks ago after we had played around a bit. She pretty much just took in what I was saying and seemed happy with the idea as long as I still remained the "same man"...she doesn't want some wimpy husband. I assured her I would be the same man, would always give my opinions, just that now she would have the final say.
Now three weeks later, things are pretty good, though she doesn't seem to want to discuss the arrangement very often (if at all). She has certainly had me doing even more for her, and seems to enjoy the nightly foot massages, etc. I've asked her to look at your site, but she still hasn't had time to do so. I'm trying not to pester her, but I do feel I'm missing some of the acknowledgement that is so important for us submissive husbands. She has also agreed to control my orgasms, but isn't very active in that department.
I just want to ask what your thoughts are on getting her more active in acknowledging my submission to her, or should I not worry about it and let her grow more into it? And I'm not sure what to do about her more actively managing my orgasms. I do feel that is super important, and even with my abstaining from masturbation, that I am craving more active control from her. Thank you in advance for any advice.
First, you are a lucky man that you had the courage to come forward and that she had the open-mindedness to work with you. I suspect her reaction was more nuanced that even you indicated. She seemed to quickly accept the idea (under her stated condition that your masculinity remain prominent and in place), but she seemed to lack the natural curiosity on the topic that one would expect her to have.
Lacking her own curiousity, you need to be patient until she comes to better understand what you need. If she has been reluctant to read the book, she might be more inclined to listen to the confessional CD/mp3. Maybe you could offer to rub her feet as she reads the book you have arleady bought.
One way or another, you need to move to a point where it clicks for her that you need the outward reinforcement of her authority to feel completed. Be patient, stick with it, and you will move ahead together.
Hi Emily and Ken~
I came across your site a while ago and have enjoyed reading everything you and others have posted about the female-led household. I am one of those husbands that would love to introduce my wife to this and submit to her. I have one major concern however.
Let me give you some background. We have two kids. I have been a stay at home dad for about four years now. My wife has a job where she is the top person in charge. Our situation alone lends itself so easily to an AHF relationship. But here is my issue. We're Christians. We're heavily involved in our church. My wife has been a Christian since her youth. And I'm not sure with the whole head of the household thing that she'd be willing to go for it. I was wondering whether you've had any other Christian husbands write in with their struggles on this issue?
Thanks for what you two do! I would so appreciate your guidance on this matter.
Many letters like your own have arrived in our inbox. We have been reluctant to address this topic head on as one’s faith is a very personal issue, and we do not want to open ourselves to criticism for sharing our perspective on the matter.
I will say only that for Emily and myself, there is nothing inconsistent with our own Christian faith and loving female authority. Several specific concerns come up repeatedly in the letters that address this topic. I’ll provide a response to each without necessarily belaboring the question at hand.
First, to adore and even to “worship” your wife in the interpersonal sense is in no means a sincere acknowledgement of her divinity or idolatry in any reasonable sense of those words. It is rather an expression of love and affection -- perhaps the deepest and most sincere expression a man can make to his wife. It is completely consistent with a sincere reverence to God and the obvious acknowledgement of God’s much greater place in the universe and in our lives.
Secondly, the notion of the patriarchal household is no more central to Christian doctrine than abstaining from shellfish or any of the many detailed laws described in the early chapters of the Old Testament and in the letters of Paul. At least for myself, I believe that the many detailed instructions in the Bible for how to lead one’s life are secondary to the core tenants of love and devotion to God and to our fellow human beings. While there is much wisdom in the Bible outside of this core message, I believe that there is great leeway in how we lead our lives if we obey the central commandments of loving God with all our heart and our neighbors as ourselves. For me, a female-led relationship in no way interferes with a devotion to God and Christ and an obligation to treat others with respect and dignity.
There are sexual elements of a female led relationship that are not typical, but that does not mean that they are immoral. We are blessed and not cursed by our sexuality, and to embrace it and explore it in the context of a committed, loving relationship is something to which we should all aspire.
I am not an authority on anything other than what I feel and what I believe to be true. I know that for me, this dynamic is not at odds with my faith.
Our books and CD’s can be found on the following sites:
As always, our books and CD’s can be found at: www.lulu.com/aroundherfinger/
Send questions, comments and success stories to Emily (dot) Addison (at) Gmail (dotcom)