Letters from Women
I love your site. I heard it mentioned on a morning radio show, and I had to check it out for myself. The ideas really appeal to me, but your site does little to counsel women like me that want to suggest something like this to their husband as opposed to the other way around. Do you have any ideas for women like me?
Mary Beth in Atlanta
Emily responds…
You are right in saying that our site is more focused on men who struggle with introducing these ideas to women than the other way around. I think you will find our book more balanced on this topic, but that said, I want to offer you some insights and suggestions on how you can move toward a female led household in your marriage.
First, know that most men will subject themselves to the authority of their wives if the wife is patient enough to nurture the husband’s submission. The nurturing process begins in the bedroom. Tell him at the onset of an intimate moment that you want to try something new, that you want him to follow you lead. If he refuses, just make sure that you withhold romantic attention from him until such a time that he wants to cooperate.
Have him strip naked. Have him give you a long massage. Be very forceful and explicit in terms of your expectations from him. Get him used to the idea that you are going to tell him what to do. Tell him that you want him to make sure that you receive your pleasure first and only then you will take care of him.
When you are ready to give him his attention, go very slowly. Use your hands and some lubrication to bring him close to his orgasm, but do not let him release. When he is on the brink of his climax he will do anything that you say. Tell him that you liked the way that things go when you are in charge in the bedroom and you want to continue experimenting with him. Make him commit that he will continue to allow you to be in charge of how the lovemaking goes for the foreseeable future. After he commits, reward him by letting him have his climax. You can either choose to bring him to climax with your hands or you can then allow him to penetrate you.
The next time that you are intimate with him follow a similar pattern. Keep this up for at least several weeks. If he resists, you may have to withhold intimacy from him until he finally comes around. Eventually he will, believe me. After this pattern has become routine, select a night where everything goes according to plan, up to and until the point that he is about to climax. On this night, hold out on him. Make him commit to do something around the house that he has been reluctant to do. When he commits, reward him as you promised. If he fails to commit to your request, simply deny him his orgasm.
By continuing this association of his orgasm with his willingness to obey you in the bedroom, you are setting the stage for expanding your female authority to other parts of your life.
As you move along with these techniques, you are eventually going to have to have a conversation with him about how your newfound authority makes him feel. To set the stage for this conversation, you need to let him know that you plan on keeping him on edge for a few nights. Tell him that it will all be worth it in the end.
To set the stage, give him an actual hardcopy list of your expectations for three consecutive nights. Make certain that the list includes household chores, romantic tasks (pouring you a glass of wine as you sit together in the evening, giving you foot rubs, massages), and finally… sexual tasks. The sexual task can be whatever you desire, but they should be about your pleasure and your pleasure alone. Also, anything that you can do in constructing these tasks to emphasize his submission adds a wonderful addition. For example, don’t just tell him to go down on you for one hour, tell him to “kneel before you” and go down on you for an hour. Better yet, have him lay you on your stomach with a pillow beneath your hips and go down on you from behind. This is a wonderful position for emphasizing a man’s submission.
After three nights of this truly selfless and loving behavior on his part, so long as you can assure that he is not masturbating outside of your presence, he will be absolutely prepared for what you will tell him. Remember, as is emphasized throughout this site, you cannot mince words when you speak to him. You need to tell him what you want and what you expect. You will be, in no uncertain terms, the head of the household. You expect him to embrace his role as the submissive partner in the marriage. Outwardly, very little will change in the relationship. Inwardly, there will always be a shared knowledge that your opinions and wishes are to be respected in the home as the final say on any matter.
After he has heard you out, get him to talk about his feelings. Suggest to him that he look at this site. Grow together in your new relationship.
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You have a lot of very positive stories on your site from couples that have followed your suggestions and put the wife in charge of their relationship. At the risk of revealing my skepticism, I wonder if you have any bad stories. My husband has recently approached me, and I am a little weary about trying this out.
Shelly in Rhode Island
Emily responds….
You certainly don’t have to apologize for your skepticism. This entire site exists largely because we anticipate your skepticism about ideas that seem so radical given your upbringing and your understanding of how relationships are supposed to work.
Truth be told, we have never received a letter recounting a negative experience. That does not mean that there haven’t been any, but I suspect that it at least suggests that they are in the vast minority. Go back and re-read our site carefully. Nothing has to happen that you do not want to happen. You are in charge of everything, including the pace and intensity of how you implement your authority in the relationship. If you choose not to try anything at all, that is also your prerogative. In my opinion it will be a missed opportunity for your husband and more importantly for you, but it is your prerogative nonetheless.
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My husband suggested that I look at your site about two months ago. It was such a casual suggestion on his part, that I ignored his request altogether until about a week later when he asked if I had yet had a chance to look at it yet. I finally took the time and was pretty shocked at what I saw. I wasn’t shocked in the sense that the content was anything over the top. To the contrary, it was pretty low key and it absolutely makes sense. I was shocked in the sense that he approached me with it. I’m sort of the typical soccer Mom, he’s sort of the typical suburban Dad. He’s out to work every morning with a “bye, honey” and home in the afternoon with a “hi, honey.” I never imagined that he was secretly keeping all of these submissive fantasies about me.
We talked about it for a long time. He has no idea why is he this way, but he’s had these submissive thoughts since before he met me. He’s just kept them hidden from me and everybody else. The night after I read your site was the best we ever communicated. I think I really understand where he is coming at with his need to submit to me, and I am totally convinced that our relationship (probably any relationship) will work better with the woman in charge. We have adopted the principle of loving female authority in our marriage with great success.
Ironically, I think I have always been some what dominant in our marriage. I suspect that my strong personality is part of what initially attracted him to me. As you have suggested, however, the dominant personality alone is not enough for my husband. My honey do lists used to annoy him, but not anymore. Before they were nagging, now they are something else entirely. I truly understand the benefits of cementing our roles with a formal conversation. Telling him that I would be in charge and he was expected to obey me was the greatest gift I could give him. Thank you so much for your advice.
Amy in California
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Emily responds….
I loved your letter and could not agree more with the sentiment you expressed in your last paragraph. I think you see how that is a recurring theme with the women that write into this site.
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I am getting married next spring and wanted to share with you a success story that your website has spawned for at least one set of newlyweds to be. As part of what he called full disclosure, my fiancé confessed to me that he has had a very long-held interest in a female led household. I didn’t even know what he meant by the term until he gave me the confessional CD that he got off of your site.
I was initially shocked by not only the fact that there are men that genuinely want a relationship like the one you describe on your site, but also by the fact that my fiancé was one of them. I listened to your CD, I read your book, I read everything on your site, but I still remained uncertain that this was right for me. After all, this is definitely not the way I pictured my marriage working out. I was raised and still remain a pretty conservative Midwestern girl. However, my mind was open, and now I am completely sold on the idea. Let me share with you the process with which I came to be convinced that both I and my future husband will be happiest in a female led household. I think it will help to convince a lot of other skeptical women that this sort of a relationship offers everything you promise.
After getting myself educated on this topic, I finally sat down to discuss it with my fiancé. We agreed that we would try a one week, modified boot camp approach like the one you lay out in the book. If it worked out, I would continue to incorporate loving female authority into our marriage, if not, I would agree to indulge his interests playfully in the future, but only as temporary and very self-contained adventures in the bedroom. Otherwise, our relationship would be just like it always was. Honestly, I thought that there was no way it would work out. I fully expected to enjoy the week, but I also thought that after seven days of chasing his tail doing all of my errands and seeing to all of my comforts, he would have had his fill of it. Was I ever wrong.
We don’t officially live together, but just the same he practically spends all of his waking and sleeping hours at my apartment. For the boot camp week, I made it official that I wanted him to stay away from his apartment and spend all his time, with the exception of work, at mine. I gave him lists of things to do around my place. I really didn’t think he could follow through on everything as the list was so long, but on the first morning, he woke up at 4:30 to get started. He did everything I asked plus things I didn’t ask him to do. When I woke up on that first morning, all of apartment was cleaned, my laundry had been washed folded and (where it needed it) ironed. He also had made coffee, prepared breakfast, and laid out my clothes (which he helped me into after I got out of the shower). After work, I went out for a drink with a friend to give him a little extra time to get home and prep for me. When I got home he greeted me at the door and led me to the couch where he proceeded to give me a foot massage. When I was ready, I had him open me a bottle of wine and serve me dinner. The after dinner massages and the (extremely unselfish) sex that followed was icing on the cake.
The next day, and the next day, and all the days that followed during that week pretty much went the same. What’s more, he was opening up and communicating with me like I had flipped a switch in him. At the end of the week my decision was easy. Not only did I enjoy my week in charge much more than I imagined that I would, I would never imagine having it any other way. Just as you suggest, I told him in no uncertain terms that from that point on I would expect him to obey me and respect my authority. In the weeks and months that have followed nothing has changed. We have never been happier and I never would have imagined that this would have worked so well.
Pam in Ohio
Emily responds…
On a related note, I have written a new book that is especially tailored to new brides. I’m sure it will make a great wedding shower gift for some of your friends! You can find it at our Lulu store by following this link:
http://www.lulu.com/content/144772
Letters from Men
After reading through your site, I think I may represent the exception to the rule. My wife is the one that introduced these concepts into my marriage. I had no idea that men were happily submitting to their wives in the way that I now do to mine. She more or less followed suggestions laid out in the story-line of your book, and it worked like a charm on me.
In retrospect, it is so blatantly obvious that this is a better way to relate to one another. How can any relationship work when two strong-headed people are constantly negotiating over who will get their way. Now I concede that she is in charge and I just dutifully follow along. It’s funny that I’ve always been the guy at work that said just tell me what to do, and I’ll do it and do it well. At home, I was the guy that said tell me what to do and I won’t do it at all. It’s amazing the freedom that I have found since just acknowledging that she is better suited to be in control than I am. I have discovered a better way of living and a more fulfilling emotional relationship as well. Thanks so much for this site.
Miles in Nevada
Ken responds…
Thank you, Miles, for the kind words.
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My wife and I actually established a female led household long before we heard of your site. I am fifty-eight and my wife is fifty-two. We have been living this way for about eighteen years. For us, it has been an incredible joy. Nothing makes me happier than doing things which please her, which in turn makes her incredibly happy. It is the perfect relationship.
One of the things that I have noticed is that we have gotten older and more accustomed to our respective roles, she has become increasingly demanding of me. She now does virtually no housework. She busies herself with her hobbies and interests and I busy myself cooking, cleaning, doing yard work and all the other things that running the household requires.
I wanted to share a story that I think your readers might find interesting. Once a month, my wife invites a group of her girlfriends over to the house and I prepare and serve them an entire meal. She does not life a single finger. Although none of her friends know about the depth of my submission to her, they all know that she is clearly the one that is in charge in our household. These monthly dinners only serve to reinforce this perception.
As her guests arrive, I greet them at the door and offer them a cocktail and show them a place to sit down and relax. As they sit down I bring them our appetizers on a tray and refill their drinks. I let them know when it is time for dinner and pull out the chairs for each of them. They always make comments about how well behaved I am, but always in a playful sense. They have no idea how fulfilling it is for me to serve my wife in this way by putting my submission on display in front of all of them. After our meals, the women retire to the living room for after dinner drinks as I clean up and put away all the dishes.
I ordinarily retire to my room to read or watch TV after cleaning up the dishes. On one night, however, my wife called me back out to the living room. Most of her friends had already left, but her best friend remained behind finishing off a bottle of white wine with my wife. I walked into the room and asked my wife what I could do for her. She pointed to the bottle of wine sitting on the coffee table right in front of me and instructed me to top off her glass and the glass of her friend. Now this bottle was immediately in front of both of them, they would only have had to bend forward to reach it. Furthermore their glasses were nearly full. Calling me down from the bedroom to top of their glasses was clearly a blatant demonstration of her authority over me. I poured the glasses as requested and asked if there was anything else I could do. She shocked me by telling me yes, I could go get the lotion and give her a foot rub. Ordinarily, when we were alone together, this was a standard request. She had never, however, had me do this in front of someone else. I noticed her casting a glance at her friend that seemed to say, “See, I told you so.”
When I returned to the room I knelt before her and removed her shoes. As I began rubbing the lotion into her feet she confessed that she had told her friend about the nature of our relationship. She said she was doing it because she felt that her friend could improve her own marriage if she would only consider implementing these ideas with her husband. We have given her your book and talked about your website with her. I think it is now only a matter of time before her husband becomes the next lucky initiate into the world of loving female authority.
Gil in Ontario
Ken responds….
We don’t typically advocate letting others in on the nature of your relationship, but it sounds as if they may end up working out for everyone involved. Please let us know how it works out. Also, I love the idea of the monthly dinner parties. There is nothing that makes many women happier than public demonstrations of affection and respect.
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