Friday, June 01, 2007

June 2007

Welcome to the June Updates

Welcome to the June updates. We hope that all of you are enjoying the beginning of the summer season. Please know that even though Ken and I have some vacations planned, we have every intention of continuing to update the letters section throughout the summer months. We appreciate all the letters of support and gratitude that we get for maintaining the site, and we look forward to a time in the future when we can have more time to expand on the resources that we provide.

As always, I encourage you to email me at (coded to avoid email bots):

Emily Dot Addison At Gmail Dot Com

Our books and CD’s are available at Lulu:

Letters from Women

Dear Emily,

I love your ideas. We will never go back to the way things were before. I was happy before this started, but having a wife-led marriage has opened doors to emotional closeness that I thought were slammed shut years ago.

I was pretty skeptical about all of this, but respected my husband enough to at least hear him out when he suggested it. We tried the boot camp about four months ago, and we have never looked back. Personally, I see the fact that my husband is sexually excited by my authority over him as no different than a man who likes women with big breasts, or has a Jennifer Lopez rear end, or thinks women look best when they are all hot and sweaty. These are all really just a matter of personal taste as I see it. In other words, its one of those quirky little things that turns him on, so who am I to be judgmental about it? I’m glad he came forward and told me.

Thanks for giving him the courage to do so.

Jess in Toronto

Emily responds…

Well said. I think that wives will generally agree with you on your key point. The husbands, however, often suspect that their wives will find the concept odd and have a very difficult time accepting that their wives will be open to it.

You and your husband are both fortunate.


Dear Emily,

In the early years of our marriage, my husband was always a very jealous man. That was until about three years ago. It was then that he showed me your site on the internet, and we have never looked back. We have had a wife-led marriage ever since. Now he is no longer jealous, in fact he seems quite the opposite. Let me explain.

I am a graphic artist, and while I have always been a solo, freelance worker, about a year ago I started a project with a male friend of mine that has really taken on a life of its own. The project requires occasional travel, and I have always made excuses to stay in separate hotels or travel at different times than my business partner. But recently, my husband suggested that I not only stay at the same hotel, but that if I wanted to share a room to save money, that he would be ok with it. My business partner is a very good looking man, and he’s single and a bit of a “player”, and my husband is very aware of all of these facts.

Am I missing something? I used to kind of like the fact that he got jealous (even if it was sometimes a pain in the ass). What happened?


Emily responds…

For submissive men, it can be an expression of their affection to unburden their wives of the husband’s open displays of jealousy. There is no question that the those same forces that made his jealousy so apparent to you are still at work inside of his head, but he is opening himself up and making himself vulnerable to you by giving you the freedom to go about your pursuits without the constraints of his jeaolousy.

I recommend that you take him up on his offer to share the room with your colleague. I am not suggesting you sleep with your colleague, merely that you share the room. When you return from the trip, have a very long talk with him about how it made him feel. This can be a real step forward in your emotional closeness to your husband.


Letters from Men

Dear Ken,

While your site asks that men send in suggestions based on how they successfully introduced Around Her Finger concepts into their marriage, it seems that these letters are few and far between. So today I want to help you out by writing my own experience. I think it might be a new twist.

I started at the beginning of the year by telling my wife that I was going to lose some weight. I told her that I wanted her to be in charge of my eating, and that before I would eat anything that wasn’t healthy, I would ask her permission. Not only did this end up being a big turn on for me, but I actually lost weight. And she was really enjoying it too. She was making me do things to get my treats, really enjoying the whole “authority” thing. Then because it was going so well, I suggested we do the same thing with alcohol. This also went welll, and my mid-week “couple of beers after work” drinking is really a thing of the past.

I told her that I really liked what her having control was doing for me. We talked about it, but she still thought it was a silly game. Then I started doing the foot rubs, the massages (I bought a table off the internet), the laundry, etc. As she started asking what was up, I kept pointing back to how it all started when she took control of my diet. Then I bought her you confessional CD and book. So at the point she heard the CD, she already understood the benefits it was bringing into our marriage.

She is now the undisputed head of the household, and we have both never been happier.

Unsigned in Florida

Ken responds…

You are right; we do not often publish letters detailing individual’s unique approach to successfully introducing AHF to their wives. I assure you that we wish we could publish more, but we seldom receive such letters, and few as straightforward and clever as yours.

The technique of gradually introducing loving female authority into the marriage via a vanilla means, and showing how positive the impact can be on the relationship, is brilliant. I commend you and hope that your letter has a great impact on those still nervous about taking the difficult first steps into a wife-led household.


Dear Emily and Ken,

During the past month or so I've begun a plan to gently introduce her to the idea of a wife-led relationship. Some times more gently than other times, but I view this as a very long-term effort. The key is patience, though I'll admit that I've sometimes struggled with that. I started with back and foot rubs every night. I've always given her lots of rubs, so this wasn't a big stretch...but now I started to tell her how much I enjoyed giving them, asking if I could rub her as a favor to me.

Over time, I've been looking for things to do to make her difficult life easier. I cook and grocery shop a lot, do a great deal more household chores, and have started to make her elaborate coffee drinks each morning. I shower her with affection, flattery, attention and appreciation. Of course, I do all of these things longing for her acknowledgment of her authority in my life.

One night, in conversation over a long back rub, I confessed my wish to place her on a pedestal and to work to please her. She asked me if this was related to my sexual fantasies. Of course it is, and I admitted as much. Of course, it is also much, much more. I tried to posit all of this as a way to increase the levels of communication, affection and intimacy in our marriage. I tried hard to convey that I really do want to be the best husband that I can be. But I think she is stuck on the sexual component. Worse, she now worries that she doesn't satisfy me sexually...and that eventually this will lead to problems for us.

I'm not worried at all about any of that, but I think I truly understand where she's coming from. To generalize her concern: the mere suggestion of a change in our dynamic also suggests dissatisfaction with the current dynamic. How could I be so obtuse? Obviously the notion of a wife-led marriage is far more comprehensive (and fulfilling) than sex...I just need to get her to understand this and to rid herself of preconceptions (keep an open mind), so that she can recognize this as an act of love.

Without question, I'm over-the-top crazy about my incredible wife. But are my efforts really an expression of my love for her, or just a proxy for unfulfilled sexual fantasy? In trying to mold our relationship into something it never has been naturally, am I merely sending her the message that I'm unhappy? In fact, I'm very is it wrong for me to ask my life partner to consider a radically different dynamic for our busy life?

Thanks for your site. It's a great source of information and inspiration.

Unsigned in Ohio

Emily responds…

I’m taking this response instead of Ken, because yours is a good letter and it interests me greatly.

Is a submissive man’s desire to serve his wife an expression of love or merely a sexual fantasy? This is the central question that you pose. I answer by saying that without any doubt in my mind, it is the former. A husband’s desire to surrender authority in the home to his wife is an expression of love above all else. This is core to my philosophy on wife led marriages, so I hope you will give my detailed response your full consideration, and I hope also that you forward it to your wife.

Of course men have sexual fantasies about surrendering to a strong dominant woman. If you doubt me, just do a search on the internet for dominatrix and see what you get. While I believe even these fantasies are grounded in a yearning for female intimacy, I also believe that these fantasies are a far cry from what most men that come to our site to find. The men that come to our site, that write us letters month after month detailing their innermost feelings, these men seek a closer emotional connection with their wives through the vulnerability that submission affords them.

There absolutely is a sexual component to the dynamic, I do not deny that. In fact, we tout that one of the benefits that couples take away from submission to their wives is that there will be a greater level of sexual energy in the relationship. A greater level of sexual energy, however, would be expected if there were greater intimacy, a stronger emotional connection, and more open communication. It is a happy by-product of loving female authority, not the starting point. However, loving female authority does not pretend that a man’s sexuality and his ability to connect emotionally with his wife are unrelated. It presumes an interconnection and enables the wife to master this interconnection for the mutual benefit of the couple.

This is not a simple concept. We can choose to simplify it by wrongly saying that it is merely a sexual fantasy, and that wives can indulge their husband’s sexual fantasies, and that in so doing, they get something out of it as well. A more accurate understanding is to know that the yearning that men have to submit to their wives transcends their sexuality. Through open and shared acknowledgement of her role in relationship, the husband can truly self-actualize. He can become the husband that he wants to be, and he can focus his energy and efforts on the loving and completely conventional adoration of his wife.

The key phrase in getting this dynamic right is “open and shared acknowledgement”. She must accept this dynamic in order for it to work, and she must be open and comfortable about her authority. You understand this, but she must understand it as well.

Best of luck.


Dear Ken,

Okay, I guess I've been practicing stealth submission for a while now, although I have had these feelings about submission during the entire fifteen years of my marriage. I actually tried to bring it up to my wife about thirteen years ago but didn't have the courage to go through with it. I can remember the conversation like it was yesterday.

So fast forward to today. I have been practicing stealth submission for a couple of weeks now and our relationship has been great! We haven't had a fight or even a disagreement because I recognize that her decisions are best for our family and our relationship, this has been very liberating for me. The decisions aren't what is important, my wife being happy is!
My wife has thoroughly enjoyed her nightly foot massages and the other night even sat down and gave me a look and asked about her nightly massage, I dutifully got up and got the massage cream and gave her a one hour foot rub. We then went to bed and I gave her another full body massage, after which she thanked me and went to sleep. I laid in bed all night thinking about how happy I was and how I could broach the subject of a female led relationship.

I have been doing all of the laundry, cooking, and cleaning of the bathrooms; the three jobs she hates the most. However, she has become suspicious, even saying things like "what are you up to? What's going on?" I want so bad to have a talk with her but I am frightened that one of two things will happen; she will think that this is just one more sexual fetish and passing phase, or she won't take it seriously because she doesn't like the idea. I can assure her that this is not a passing phase, but my question to you is how often does a woman completely reject the idea of a female led relationship (even after experiencing it)?

I have ordered your book and downloaded both versions of the CD and listened to each version about 10 times trying to decide which would be best to give to her. I know that I want this and have been so nervous and excited about brining it up that in the past week I've lost 7 pounds!
Why am I still nervous about giving them to my wife??? I want this, I practice stealth submission everyday but as you say in the book and on the CD, it's not enough. I wish she would just find your website or your book and make it her own idea.

Mark in Oklahoma

Ken responds…

You write a great letter in that you typify the struggle that most every man goes through. You wish you could just open up your heart to let your wife know what this means to you, but you are scared by the remote chance that she will reject both the concept and you at the same time.

I urge you to move forward. Is your wife, who is so deserving of your adoration, really the sort of woman that would reject these ideas outright? If she really understood what was inside your heart, would she not embrace a wife-led marriage?

Do women sometimes reject this concept? Yes. How often, I do not know. Based on the letters we get, it seems to be a very small minority. Is it worth the risk? You tell me. I for one could not imagine keeping this inside me.


Dear Ken,

This isn't working for us. It has been almost a year that we have been trying to implement a wife-led marriage. Back when we first started this, it worked great. We fell in-love again! She got massages and tons of instant messages during the day. I lost 13 kg. I was assigned chores, and she re-gained happiness and that special smile of hers from about twenty years ago.

Our current state and problems are [largely a function of not getting orgasm management right]. Can you help? The stakes are pretty high. Thanks,


Ken responds…

You provided details on your orgasm management practices that I chose to exclude from this section, but I will share with you that I believe that the time spent between orgasms was generally too long (twenty days). Some men can only go a couple of days before frustration levels get very high and the practice becomes counterproductive. She needs to feel out your cycles and adjust accordingly.

Most importantly, AHF marriages are not all about orgasm management. For this to work, you need to have ongoing and open intimacy and communication. Can you honestly tell me that this is the case in your marriage? Loving female authority is a component of a successful marriage, but it is not the marriage itself. Talk to your wife about your true feelings. Let close, open dialogue solve your problem for you.

Please let me know how this turns out.