October 2005

Letters from Women

I wonder if I could trouble you for an opinion. I am not sure whether my husband is submissive or not, but having heard you interviewed on the radio the other day (you did great by the way!), it certainly sounds like he has all the symptoms. I’m wondering if you wouldn’t mind giving me your best opinion as to whether or not he shows enough signs to confront him.

On my last birthday he bought me a little gift basket of lotions, bath gels, etc. Soon thereafter he started offering me foot massages where he would kneel in front and rub the lotions into my feet while I watched TV. Night after night he has offered to do this and I have been only to happy to let him. He has become increasingly bold in this activity, having now started to kiss and lick my feet before he begins rubbing in the lotion.

Out of nowhere he started doing all of the laundry. Without fail, he always does mine before his own. He also now regularly makes our bed for the first time in our marriage. He has always cooked a lot, but now he asks me what I want to eat before he gets started.

Sex is now nothing like it was before. If it used to be ten percent foreplay and ninety percent intercourse now it’s ninety percent foreplay and ten percent sex. On some nights I am certain that he has pulled out of me before he had an orgasm. On these nights he is even more inclined to cuddle and talk after sex.

So, having read all of that, do you think he fits the mold? If you think he is submissive, I’m very inclined to encourage him. Any advice you have would be greatly appreciated.

Unsigned in Atlanta

Emily responds…

Thank you very much for the letter, Annette. My opinion is that your husband is definitely submissive. I may be the wrong one to ask as I am inclined to think that most men are submissive to one degree or another. Most men just never have the courage to admit it to themselves or to let it show if they do. Your husband, however, clearly is letting it show. On the outside, he is giving you subtle hints that he wants to put you on the pedestal. On the inside, he is screaming for you to be in charge. If you want to encourage him, I suggest you try ratcheting his behavior up by becoming increasingly demanding of him.

For example, one night, before he has a chance to get started on your foot rub, tell him – don’t ask him, tell him – that you are ready for your foot rub and for him to get started. When he is kissing your feet, tell him that you like it when he kneels in front of you and massages your feet because it makes you feel in control. Tell him you like being in control and ask him if he likes it.

Asking him increasingly definitive questions is a great way of nurturing his submission. Ask him if he likes the idea of you being in charge all the time. Ask him if he would be ok with him giving you oral sex and him getting nothing at all. Give him a list of some things you expect to be done around the house. Tell him that when they are all done to your satisfaction, he can again have intercourse with you, but until then, he needs to focus on your pleasure.

As you receive enthusiastic agreement with your new sense of power over him, you will ultimately have to formalize him by telling him that you are taking the reigns in the household. I have no doubt, based on the way you described your husband, that he will embrace his new role with incredible enthusiasm.

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My husband is the perfect man until after he has an orgasm. Then he rolls over like the ape that he was before we discovered your site. Is this normal?

Unsigned

Emily responds…

Normal is tough to define. Some submissive men make an effort to be doting and attentive after an orgasm, but truth be told, they just don’t feel the same afterwards as they did only moments before their climax. Don’t mistake this as a sign that their affection and devotion is not sincere, it is absolutely sincere. This is just the human hormone system at work.

I suggest you talk to your husband about this problem. Make him understand what you expect of him following intercourse. If he does not comply, be certain that you enact consequences. Also, be more strategic about when you let him have an orgasm. A teased man is putty in your hands.


Letters from Men

I have had submissive desires since my childhood. Even before puberty, long before I had any sense of how these desires would ultimately become entwined in my sexuality, I knew that the idea of submitting to a woman fulfilled me in a way that nothing else could. I do not know if this is an innate characteristic or the result of some series of incidents in my early life, but I prefer to think of it as an inborn predisposition, an evolution in male genetics, and so I do. As I grew older my submission began to express itself in ways that I only understand with the benefit of hindsight. For example, in high school I was drawn to girls that treated me badly. One particular girl comes to mind. She was a bit of a tease and she cheated on me on multiple occasions, but I always went back to her. Outwardly, I was very gregarious, athletic and popular, but inside I knew there was a part of me that liked how she treated me. I wasn't prepared to articulate it, but I knew it just the same. Also, it’s very important to know that she didn’t create my submissive nature; she merely took advantage of it. Over the next few years, I consciously resisted my submissive character. I even went so far as to rebel against it. In college I was generally disrespectful of women and had some relationships that represented little more than sexual conquests. After college, I found a middle ground of respect and independence and met a woman of great character to whom I have been married for over fifteen years.

My wife is beautiful and relatively open-minded, but she seems to have very little interest in nurturing my submissive nature to the extent that I wish she would. Ultimately, I think she is uncomfortable with it. I have discussed it with her in conversations that were admittedly awkward and reserved on my part. I never felt like bore my soul to her. Since my meek confession, she indulges me by letting me lick and massage her feet most every night and by allowing me to take on a greater share of the household chores. However, she seems to have no inclination to experiment with the artifacts of dominant sexuality that have such an intense appeal to me. Most importantly, she has not expressed to me that she really is the head of the household and expects to be obeyed. More than anything, I want to hear her confirm, and occasionally reinforce, a shared knowledge between us that she is in absolute control. I have struggled for the last several years with how to articulate my deeper feelings and desires to her without risking her rejection, but I have lacked the courage to follow through on my various brainstorms and discoveries. The Around Her Finger site, for example, seems like it has a lot to offer someone like me, but I have never had the nerve to share the site with her. I know that this must seem cowardly to you, but submission is so overwhelmingly a part of whom I feel that I am, that sharing the intensity of this with her so late in our relationship is a defacto confession that I have been keeping a secret from her forever. The reality is that I would much prefer to serve my wife with complete, perfect and spiritual devotion. It is only because she does not understand the depths of my submission and desires that I still feel unfulfilled.

Unsigned

Ken responds…

I believe you already do serve your wife with complete, perfect and spiritual devotion. You are not getting what you want out of this service because, as you admit, you have yet to confront her with the depth of your feelings. Eventually you will. Eventually this relationship will work as well for you as it now seems to be working for her.

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I am in the middle of my own personal campaign of stealth submission to my wife. My problem is that I just cannot keep up with my original intentions to do everything for her and make her life one of rest and comfort. I suppose I had no idea how much she did around the house. Now that I am trying to do it all for her, I simply cannot do it. With all the demands of my job, the list of chores I was already doing, and now her chores, I am overwhelmed. Do you have any suggestions?

Ken responds…

It is great that you finally appreciate how much work she has been doing. It is very possible that you cannot keep up. Emily, my wife, still does a certain work around our house simply because she is so much better at it than I am. Try to seek a balance that at least brings some much deserved relaxation into your wife’s day to day routine. This is a good first step in ultimately surrendering control to her.

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I wanted to share with you something that I did with my wife that has put her effectively in charge of a portion of my life.

I am careless with money. It’s not that I go out and make large, irrational purchases. Instead it’s all the little purchases that add up. I know this and my wife knows it. I decided I could kill two birds with one stone by sitting down with my wife and writing out a budget.

I say kill two birds with one stone because I am a submissive and a huge fan of your site. I very much want to submit to my wife, but I’m incredibly nervous about approaching this topic with her. In sitting down with her to work out a budget for me, I took a significant step towards relinquishing control to her. We have worked out my budget and she is completely on top of where my money goes. She is now effectively controlling my spending. This means that I don’t go to lunch, buy gas, or even buy a pack of gum without her knowing about it.

What I have found is that she enjoys this sense of control over me as much as I enjoy her having it. My intention is to build on this idea of her controlling my budget with new opportunities for her to control different aspects of my life. Once this transformation is in place, it will be much easier to sit down and discuss my true feelings with her.

I am writing now because I think others might find this strategy useful. I enjoy your site and really appreciate everything you do for us closet submissives!

Shane in Missouri

Ken Responds

What a great suggestion for a completely vanilla first step towards a wife-led household. You are building on the reality that she who controls the purse strings controls everything. I strongly suggest that male readers who have been reluctant to take the first step towards surrender to their wives take Shane’s suggestion to heart. It is a completely risk-free way to give her control without taking the larger step of confessing your true emotions.

In our own household, Emily keeps me on an allowance. It is a constant and pleasant reminder of her status as head of the household.