Friday, December 30, 2005
Letters from Women
I love your site, and it has meant a great deal to my husband and I as we have grown together in our female-led marriage. My only complaint is that you sometimes take the fun out of the discussion by downplaying the very strong sexual component that exists in this relationship type. I worry that many women that read this site to learn about loving female authority for the first time might walk away with an impression that it is all about turning their couch potato husbands into their butlers and maids. It's really so much more than that.
The sexual energy in the relationship is clearly channeled towards the pleasure of the woman. In my marriage, my orgasms come first (and for that matter second and third) before his is even considered. The physical element of sexual satisfaction, however, is only the beginning. For me, there is an incredibly sexual rush that comes from being in complete control. It turns me on when I look down at my husband and see him kissing my feet. It further excites me to know that his mouth would move from my feet to between my legs at my command. Because my control over him is constant, even out of the bedroom, the sexual charge is also constant. This is true for him as well as for me.
Please remind your readers, or maybe let them know for the first time, that power is a turn-on for women!
Annie in California
Annie, I appreciate your letter as we are always open to sincere suggestions for improvement. I actually agree with you in that our site does sometimes undervalue the sexual benefits that loving female authority imparts on women (and men) that practice it in their marriages. As I have said many times, this site is intended as a non-threatening introduction to loving female authority for women who have never considered this type of relationship in the past. As such, we do downplay the sexual component of the female-led household. Perhaps we downplay it too much, and perhaps we should devote more content to the subject. As such, we have included your letter as well as the following letter which also touches on the benefits that LFA delivers to the dominant wife.
I have been married for fifteen years. Until a few months ago, I don't believe that I had enjoyed sex the entire duration of my marriage. Sex had always been a very mechanical thing for my husband and me. I believe that the two of us just went through the motions the way we understood to be typical. He was very affectionate, and we practiced foreplay to a certain degree, but he had only given me oral sex on a couple of occasions. I was much more likely to perform the act on him, probably having given him oral sex about a dozen times a year.
All of this changed when I was made aware of your site. I heard about it, of all places, at my knitting club. This club is a small group of women, and we have all known each other for years. One of the women had seen the New Bride's Guide to Training Her Husband given as a bridal shower gift, and probably as a joke, ordered the book for me. I had been complaining about my husband's frequent fishing trips, and she said it would represent a fix to that problem. The book sat in my knitting bag for a couple of weeks, and I only actually decided to read it when I found myself spending half a day in a doctor's waiting room. I was, of course, amazed when I realized that the book was not just a joke at all, but was an education on a real alternative way of relating to my husband.
I went to your site after reading the book, and learned even more about female led households. In getting myself educated, I came to the conclusion that my husband displayed many subtle indications that he might be supressing submissive tendancies. They were all little things, but when I started thinking about them together, they all started to fit a pattern. For example, he was always attracted to dominant women, or women dressed as such, in movies and pop culture. Also, I remember he saw a woman wearing a pair of thigh-high, black leather boots and he suggested I get a pair. I was too conservative to buy anyhing like that, but sure enough, he bought me a pair for my birthday two months later. The thing that really got me thinking was something that he had given me very early in our relationship, when we were first dating. For Valentines Day, he had given me a gift certficate for "Slave for a Day". At the time I thought it was a cute little way of saving money on a real gift by just offering to do me favors all day, but in retrospect, I started to think that maybe it was more.
I wasn't sure if I was reading too much into my clues or not, but regardless, I worked up the courage one night to start testing him. I asked him to get some lotion and rub my feet. He took a position next to me on the couch and started to do so. I asked him if he wouldn't mind doing it on the floor. I was glad he didn't ask me why, because I'm not sure I would have had an answer, I just wanted to put him in a subservient position. I then used sort of joking tone and asked him to kiss my toes. He did so, sort of light heartedly at first, but then he really started getting into it. I then had him pull off my pajama bottoms and panties so he could start going down on me. I started stroking the back of his head while he did it, and he really seemed to be enjoying it. However, after about two minutes, he stood up and started pulling off his own clothes so that he could move on to intercourse. I told him that he wasn't finished yet, and that he needed to keep going down on me. About forty-five minutes and half a dozen orgasms later, he was cuddled up next to me on the couch with his head resting on my stomach. He had just accepted that the evening would be about my pleasure, and he never even made a second motion to try and have intercourse. After a about a week of repeat performances, we finally had our "you'll obey me" conversation. Things have never been the same since. Honestly, I think I could write my own book on the benefits to women of controlling their men's orgasm.
Sex is now a very big deal to me where as before it was just a routine, ho-hum experience. Believe me, there is no better example of a more sexually uptight, conservative woman in the world to have converted to your way of thinking. My husband and I are both the luckiest people in the world for having discovered loving female authority. Please keep up the good work with your site.
Again, another great testimony to the difference that loving female authority can make in a woman's sex life.
Letters from Men
I have beed married for over 30 years to a women with a strong personality. They say I have one too, but for over 25 years, I have known that my wife is a stronger personality than I. In our daily lives, she has always made the bulk of the decisions without realizing it. Due to a very conservative upbringing she still wishes the man of the house to be the man of the house. As such, she will phone me before buying new clothes if she has not discussed it with me first - I have never said no. Our sex life is good and over 90% is with her on top and with me laying on my back with my legs apart and she with her legs together - real role reversal. I like to ask her permission before I ejaculate and she never says no.
So, it would seem that I am living the submissive role and she is playing the dominant role but, apart from pillow talk, she has never come out and said words with the message that she's in charge or stating that she is the dominant partner or anything along those lines. I am finding that this is the missing factor to make my life complete. Why don't I tell her outright? I am scared that her conservative upbringing will make her reject my request and to some extent make her consider me a weirdo and thus sour our wonderful life. In other words, I would rather live 90% submission than gamble on 100% and lose what I have.
Can you offer any advice ??
You are not alone in feeling the frustration of living a life of stealth submission to your wife. The missing link that prevents you from self-actualizing is her formal, open affirmation of her control over you. Many, many men are in exactly the same situation as you. Your relationship with your wife is wonderful in so many ways, but ultimatley not quite satisfying. In order to move to that next tiny step, you face the very real fear of rejection.
I end up writing responses to this very dilemma almost every month. Emily and I have endeavored not to keep referring people to the past responses, but always to keep posting new thoughts and new angles on your challenge. We believe that this approach is one of the driving forces behind the growing community that is building up around the site. So, to that end, please consider the following suggestions.
Make a list of ten things that would represent a step up from your current activity. If you currently rub her feet at night, start kissing and licking them. If you currently run her bath, start shampooing her hair. If you currently share the household chores, add one of her to your list. Every couple of weeks, start adding one of the new items. She will almost certainly notice and, hopefully initiate a conversation about these changes. Have a response ready for her. Tell her that the longer you have been together, the more you realize that your happiness comes from making her happy. Tell her you feel like she is the naturally stronger personality in your relationship, and you have always felt like she is the head of your household. Tell her that you like it this way and only wish that she would acknowledge the fact and take a more active leadership role in the relationship. All of this dialogue will certainly open an opportunity for you to either pull back if you feel the conversation is going beyond your comfort level, or accelerate the conversation if you feel like you have an opening.
You won't be truly happy until her leadership in the marriage is affirmed. Be strong and take these next incremental steps. Let us know how it goes and we will post new suggestions to accelerate your ascendancy into submission for others to read about.
What is the most common question that people ask you in letters to your site?
Cal in Florida
This is a short simple question, but I thought in answering it I could make a couple of points to the community. Far and away the most common category of letters that we receive are from men who are trying to escalate their submission to their wives/girlfriends. They want to go from what we commonly refer to as stealth submission to a more overt submission where the women recognizes her authority in the relationship and formally acknowledges and acts upon her leadership position. The above letter is yet another example of this type.
This should serve as a comfort to men in a similar position to know that they are not alone. Others struggle with this same issue, and others overcome this issue and finally take on the formal submissive role that they so crave. It should also serve as an indicator to women that if they even suspect that their husband/boyfriend is submissive, they should not hesitate to fulfill him by formally taking the dominant role in your relationship.
By way of expanding on the your question, I can make some other general comments about the letters we receive. One, they are overwhelmingly from men. Letters from men outnumber letters from women by at least five, maybe ten to one. A key difference between letters from women and letters from men is that men seem to be much more certain of the fact that they desire loving female authority before initiating it in the relationship. Women, on the other hand, often seem uncertain of whether or not it is right for them until after they have been practicing it. This further makes my point that women should abandon any inhibitions about initiating LFA in their relationships.
One final comment about letters that we receive is that we wish more of them were written with this published letters section in mine. We cannot answer all of the letters that we receive with a personal reply, and we primarily desire letters that we can use to help others that come to this site. Please tell us as much about the history of your relationships as possible, and try to refrain from mentioning topics that are clearly outside the intended, low-key tone of the site.
Please, however, know that we love getting letters from our readers. If you have an experience that you feel could help others if you shared it, by all means, send it to us.
Friday, December 02, 2005
Letters from Women
We just spent some time with family over the Thanksgiving holiday. My brother-in-law, who has always been a jerk at family functions, seemed like a new man. He offered to help with the cooking, he pulled out my sister's chair when she sat down to dinner, and he insisted on cleaning up the entire dinner while we all sat in the den and talked.
I asked my sister what was up. She wouldn't say, except to tell me that she had a secret. After a week of prodding, she finally told me that Jerry, her husband, had confessed to her that he wanted her to be in control. He had seen your site, followed your suggestions, and with little hesitation, my sister was all over it.
My question to you is how I get my husband on this plan. Do you think all men have this in them? My husband has never been a jerk like Jerry, but he is definately the caveman type of guy that has to sit at the head of the table. I just find it hard to believe that he's got a submissive side that just needs to be dragged out of him.
Mary Beth in Tennessee
Do all men have it in them to be the submissive? I don't know for certain. However, the more I have been involved in this site, the more I am beginning to think so. My husband is certainly of the opinion that his own submissive nature is innate. He thinks that most if not all men are born with a desire to submit to women, and some men's life experiences tend to bring this out to a greater degree than others. I know that his opinion is shared by others that write about this topic on the web.
As to what do to about it in your own marriage, I admit that there is very little information about it on our website. I have commented on it in past letters sections, but the focus of the site is on the much more pervasive number of men that already know they want to be controlled by their wives. The book, Around Her Finger, does devote much more attention to the challenge of a woman that wants to spark submission in her husband. I am sending you a copy of the book as I think you will find it helpful.
Your site is extremely tame compared to much of the other material on female domination on the web. I am very glad for this, as I do not think I would ever have agreed to try a female-led household if my husband had pointed me to some of the racier sites that are available as my first foray into these ideas.
However... now that I have dipped my feet into the lake so to speak, my interest in trying new things is peaked. But since my husband approached me with your very tame site, I wonder that I might be shocking his sensibilities to take things in a new and maybe more intense direction. What are your thoughts on this?
The above author and I exchanged a few more emails and I have a better idea by what she means by a more intense direction. I will not share those details here, but I will tell you that there is plenty of information available on all of these activities to anyone equipped with a web browser and fifteen minutes of time.
What most submissive men really want is the sort of loving female authority that we describe on our site. These same men may fantasize about more illustrious activities, but these activities absent true LFA would never really satisfy them. No woman should ever feel obligated participate in activities which she finds objectionable. However, if she would like to experiment with these activities, it is my very certain opinion that he would be open to her desires. When I showed Ken this letter, he was so certain that the husband would welcome this acceleration of intensity that he could only respond with a laugh as he nodded in agreement.
Letters From Men
First of all, I would like to thank you for your site. It has taken many years for me to realize I have submissive tendencies and acknowledge them to myself, much less admit them openly to my wife. I have been practicing stealth with my wife for at least the last 10 years. It was not until finding your site a few months ago that I found the courage to try to express my feelings to my wife. Although things have not worked out as I hoped because my approach was more than a little ham-handed as you will see below, your site has liberated me for which I will be forever grateful. In addition to writing to thank you I am writing to ask your advice. About five months ago I wrote what I thought was a romantic letter to my wife expressing my feelings about her and my desire to submit to her. I now realize that my letter was anything but subtle and romantic. Here’s why. Years ago when my wife and I were first dating I was not aware of my submissive tendencies. One night after dinner together we were sitting at our favorite bar having an after dinner drink. When she finished her drink she put her hand directly on to my crotch and suggested that we leave. I was flabbergasted, in heaven, elated, excited and from that moment on forever hers. We left the bar and slept together for the first time that night. To me this was the most important evening of my life so I started out my “romantic” letter to express my desire to serve my wife by recounting this memory. I was trying to explain that on that night I first submitted to her and fell totally in love with her. But it came out all wrong.
I now realize that while my letter was sexual, it was not romantic. And the result was far from what I wanted or expected. I put the note to my wife in a truly romantic card about how she means the world to me. We went out to dinner at a favorite neighborhood restaurant and before dinner I gave her the card with my note inside. I ended the note by saying I did not expect her to react to it then, but that I hoped we could talk about it later. Several days later I gave her your book, Around Her Finger, hoping it was open the way for a conversation.
Well . . . to make a long story short, later has never come and I fear we will never discuss my desires. All she has said is, “why are you doing this to me?” Since then when I have tried to broach the subject she has refused to talk about it. She thanks me for what I do around the house and what I do for her, but she refuses to tell me what she wants me to do or how to act. My wife actually seems to be competing with me by trying to do more and more work around the house than she used to. I have continued to practice stealth submission by doing chores around the house, getting up early to make coffee that I bring with the newspaper to her bed, giving my wife backrubs and foot rubs when she will let me. However she often refuses to let me do these things. I know that my letter got my confession of a desire to submit to my wife off on the wrong foot. I am willing to do anything I have to to set things right with her.
So my question is what do I do now? I know that I must obey her wishes and if she doesn’t wish to let me submit to her or tell me to do things for her, then I have to accept that too. Still I desperately crave my wife’s authority in my life and for her to tell me how to act and what to do to bring her pleasure. I feel like I cannot be whole until this happens. Is there anything I can do to repair the damage my letter did? Will I ever be able to get her to not only be the supreme authority in my life, but also to act like it in a direct way? What steps should I take now? Please help me."
While Ken typically responds to letters from men, I have had an ongoing email dialogue with the author of the above letter, and wanted to comment on this myself.
Many submissive men have been struggling, consciously or unconsciously, with their desire to submit to women for their entire lives. At certain periods in their lives, their submissive feelings occupy so much of their waking thoughts that it becomes nothing short of an obsession. When this happens, it is almost impossible for these men to put themselves in the mindset of the women to whom they wish to confess their desires for submission. To successfully nurture her dominance, however, you have to be able to understand her.
She has probably never heard the term "loving female authority". To her, male submission and female dominance is the stereotype presented on sitcom television. I promise you that most women do not relish the notion of turning in their existing self-image for that of the latex-clad dominatrix that exists on the fringes of popular culture. In the case of the letter that you sent to your wife, it started with a very sexual anecdote. Granted it was one in which she participated and even initiated, but still, you described it in a way that I felt was crass and was certainly a weak start to expressing your thoughts.
Go back and try and think about how you can present your submission to her in the context of how she views herself today. Do it in small steps. A man who has been shouldering the burden of household chores for some time, as you seem to have been doing, might look for a way to escalate his service to his wife. You might bring her a drink and sit at her feet one night in front of the television. Bring some lotion and start rubbing her feet. If you sense that she feels guilty for indulging herself in this pleasure at your expense, tell her that the more you have matured, the more your love for her has grown, that you find yourself looking for ways to make her happy. In fact, it makes you happy to do these things for her. Get her to accept this potentially radical notion before moving on to the next step. This may take weeks. It may take months.
What would be the logical next step? It might be that you wait for a large household decision on which you might have some minor disagreement. Cede the decision to your wife and let her know why. Tell her that while you might have some reservations about the choice she wants to make, you have seen time and time again that her judgement is better than yours, and you prefer to follow her lead. Tell her that in fact, she makes a better head of the household than you do. Tell her that for some time, you have considered her such. Count all of these small steps as major wins. She will begin to accept her leadership role on her own terms. This is important.
So what are the bigger steps that you can take as you begin to build up to the confessional conversation that we describe in the book and on the site? You go from rubbing her feet to licking her feet. You go from foot massages to buying a massage table. You explain to her why sometimes you like to be intimate with her, but not have orgasms. You let her know that it is particularly exciting if she be the one to ask you to stop short of a climax.
Unfortunately there is no formula. There are principles to consider that will make you more or less successful. I know that you can regroup with a more steady approach and be successful in developing a female-led household in your own marriage.
Maybe your male readers can benefit from my mistakes. After graduation from college, I married my high-school sweetheart and set about to realize my ambitions by starting my own company so I could acquire all those material things necessary to fulfilling the American dream. For both of us, our twenties were all about learning to live and work together to provide greater security. For me, personally, there was no need for introspection. I simply combined what I had been taught with my own innate abilities to make myself competitive in whatever I chose to do. In the meantime, my wife worked to help financially support my efforts, which eventually succeeded in providing us with a very comfortable lifestyle.
When I finally reached the point where I could stop to smell the roses, I was overcome with a recurring deep seeded need for submission that I had successfully buried for years under layers of work-related responsibilities. However, this need was no longer to be denied and, after eight long years of hiding this side of my personality, I finally worked up the courage to reveal it to my wife. Needless to say, she was anything but sympathetic, empathetic, or even kind. In addition to announcing she wasn’t the dominant type, she made it clear that she didn’t understand the need, didn’t want to understand the need, didn’t wish to discuss it any further, and suggested I seek professional help. And that, as they say, was that!
In a word, I was devastated. Because her rejection of this side of my personality was so painful, I treated it as an over-all rejection of me. Although we never spoke of this again, it drove a wedge between us that got driven deeper and deeper until I finally asked for a divorce several years later.
In hindsight, I did everything wrong and for purely selfish reasons. However, in my own defense, this was before the era of the Internet informational super highway and, although Female-led relationships might have existed, they certainly weren’t discussed the way they are today. Authorities like Emily Addison didn’t have the benefit of offering her advice in such an open, international forum. Had I had the benefit of a knowledgeable female’s insight, my approach would have been totally different, and maybe the results would have been different, too.
What would I do differently? I would not reveal my submissive desires until I thoroughly understood the dynamics involved, and I was thoroughly prepared to make good on all my promises. I would focus on how such a relationship directly benefits my wife. For my wife, financial security was paramount. I would explain how I was willing to have a checking account created in her name giving her exclusive control over our finances. In addition, I would explain how my paycheck would be deposited directly into her account, and how I agreed to an allowance in an amount determined by her. I would also explain how I agreed to assume responsibility for those domestic tasks and duties she assigned to me, and how I was prepared to increase my physical and emotional support of whatever she chose to do. In purely practical terms, trying to convince her to buy into this kind of relationship is similar to a salesperson overcoming buying objections. Unless the prospective buyer can be convinced that her investment (in this case emotional) will greatly improve her life, there is no chance of making a sale. Additionally, I would make every effort to let my actions speak louder than words by demonstrating my love and devotion to making her life easier and more rewarding.
Just having the courage to reveal your desires doesn’t necessarily mean they will automatically be fulfilled. Achieving your goal of living under the loving authority of a Female-led relationship requires a good deal of delicate diplomacy in an open, honest and safe forum where everyone’s opinions will be respected. If I ever again have the chance to approach the one I love with the prospect of sharing a Female-led relationship, I will definitely put her needs way above my own.
This letter seems such a perfect follow-up to the previous letter. It is both a warning that these ideas are powerful and often elicit negative reactions when presented imperfectly. It is also a treasure of wisdom from someone who has learned from his mistakes.
Describing the slow revelation of your desire to submit to your wife as a sales effort is an interesting analogy. While many professional salespeople are often portrayed as fast-talking, hard-driving hucksters, the successful salespeople that I have know have been more calculating in their approach. Just as the writer suggests, potential submissive husbands should analyze what elements of a female-led household will have the most appeal to their wives. Position and deliver these benefits and work on the more challenging areas with patience and perserverance.
The consequences of a negative sales effort are demonstrated in both of these letters. Never lose sight of the fact that a rushed and poorly executed effort can have very significant emotional consequences in the relationship. Risk is always present when the stakes are high.