Welcome to the February Updates
The cold weather this winter has kept to many of us inside. Proximity breeds romance, but it can sometimes test our patience with those we love. Imagine if the rules in your own relationships were crystal clear, and her words and wishes were always the priority. Would that not turn your cabin fever into properly channeled affection in a hurry?
Enjoy the letters and keep warm!
As always, our books and CD’s can be found at www.lulu.com/aroundherfinger/Send questions, comments and success stories to Emily (dot) Addison (at) Gmail (dotcom)
Letters from Women
My husband approached me last year with your web site and book. I was in the final trimester of a pregnancy and we were really enjoying the final time for me to be pregnant, my different body, and knowing this would be our last pregnancy. I was quite intrigued at his interest and suggestions, but since we already have children and had another on the way, I was not sure how to implement your ideas. He felt very energized, however, as did I, and we went ahead and made a re-commitment to each other using some of your suggestions and adding some things of our own.
We have been married for nearly 15 years and together for nearly 20, and have always had a good sexual relationship, but this added a new dimension to many different areas of our relationship, areas that needed a little help. We had a good couple of weeks prior to the baby and then after about 6 weeks or so, another good couple of months. His focus was on me to a degree that it had not been for a long time and we were really working as a team with our house.
However, I'm writing now because I cannot seem to generate the attention, focus, and energy to be the top dog all of the time. I have two older children a ten year old and now an almost one year old, and I feel like tracking his behavior and coming up with ways for him to serve me or help me has become a chore. Unfortunately, I have let my part slip, and I'm sure he misses the new energy in the relationship, as do I. I'm looking for some help for how to maintain this long-term. I am game for many things in the bedroom (when we can find the time or space!!), but would really appreciate some pointers on keeping on. I think we probably need to re-focus, perhaps with another "inaugural" session of our own, but really want to figure out how to maintain the energy or focus with a household and kids to manage, too.
Perhaps a complicating factor is that, professionally, he is extremely busy and because he is doing a training program, does not have control of his schedule, so is not around all that much. I feel bad telling him to take care of things when he has had minimal sleep and time off.
I appreciate your feedback and any suggestions you may have.
First and foremost, congratulations on the success of your relationship. It sounds like you had a spectacular marriage before this started, and your openness to these ideas allowed you to expand on your relationship. This is the ideal set of circumstances.
First, it is ok to relax, even if it creates a lull in the intensity for your husband. It is true that th is is about you and him together, but that said, you need to always put your interests first. Reinforcing his submission is a means to a better relationship, but it begins and ends with a happier and more contented wife. The good news is that despite your hectic lifestyles there are some things I think you can do to mix up your relationship.
Begin by putting your pleasure and the denial of his orgasm at the forefront of your plans. Send him an email telling him to go out and purchase you something intimate. Be no more specific than this; allow his creativity to express itself. Ask him to give it to you on an evening the following weekend. Tell him that if you are pleased with the gift, you will allow him an orgasm, if not; he will have to buy another gift.
You now have created a dynamic where until he buys and gives you that gift, he will not be able to stop thinking about it… and more pointedly… about you. You will have accomplished two weeks of sustained and deeply felt affection (in him and for you) with a several sentence email. When the gift comes, have him wrap it and lay it at your feed in the bedroom. Have him kneel before you, but tell him that you want to have him provide oral sex on you for some time before you open the gift. Then, no matter what the gift, tell him you were hoping that his choice had been something “a bit less inhibited”, and that he will have to come back the following week with something more exciting.
This adorable little game then continues for another week.
Letters from Men
Emily and Ken,
A sincere thank you from another enlightened (and grateful) man. I was raised in a very "traditional" household where the man makes all the decisions, the woman waits on the man, etc., and I would have never even entertained the thought of LFA had I not discovered your site. About six months ago, I purchased your book, read it and gave it to my wife of 11+ years. We have a great marriage by the way- much better than most of our friends' in my opinion- but we had definitely been fighting more than usual the past few years. She read the book and agreed that the concepts presented made a lot of sense, and we had what I call a "honeymoon period" of about two weeks where everything was great inside and outside of the bedroom. Unfortunately she never formalized her role as the head of the household, I wasn't comfortable approaching her again, and the excitement faded. We soon began to drift apart again.
About a month ago, we sat down to talk about what had been wrong lately and I brought up your book and the fact that we had only given LFA a half-hearted attempt. I explained that it had been very difficult for me to share my submissive feelings with her and that I felt somewhat rejected and embarrassed by the fact that she had not reciprocated by formalizing her authority- or at least told me that LFA was not for her. She agreed that we needed to talk and suggested that we go out to dinner in the next few days. Three days later, we did. I denied myself during those three days and was extremely excited to see what the evening would bring. My wife did not disappoint. She is usually a fairly conservative dresser, but emerged from our bedroom that evening wearing a sexy black dress and black leather boots. She looked beautiful, and given our agenda for the evening I was extremely turned on by the outfit.
As we left for the restaurant, I almost felt like we were on our first date again. I rushed to open doors for her and felt genuinely excited to be out with her- needless to say, not a normal state of mind for a husband of 11+ years. We had a very nice dinner, and soon the conversation turned to your book and our relationship. We discussed my submissive desires, how relaxed I felt with her in control, and her occasional frustration with being "just" a housewife and mother- whereas she held a management position when she was working. (She chose to stay at home and is very busy with volunteer activities, but still feels the need to have a so-called real job). The more we talked, the more I felt that LFA was right for us. It would give her a position of control and authority in our relationship that we both seemed to desire. About halfway through dinner, she reached into her purse, pulled out a piece of paper, pushed it across the table and told me to sign
The paper was a written agreement stating that she is now the head of the household, and I will change my behavior to please her. It was a really creative move on her part that I never saw coming, and I found it very exciting. (I actually got an erection while reading it). Needless to say, I signed. Once we returned home, I told her that I felt it was important for me to formally express my submissive status (kind of the flipside of her formally asserting her authority over me). She agreed, and I dropped to my knees. I alternated between holding her hands and rubbing her legs while looking up into her eyes. I told her that I was not taking this decision lightly and truly believed it would be good for us, and that I love her probably more than she even understands. I also told her that I admire her, respect her, and completely trust her. I acknowledged her as the head of our household and the decision maker in our marriage. Finally, I promised to obey her. I then gave her some time to digest what I had said. It was an incredible evening and the memory reinforces my desire to be in submission to her.
I am not naive' enough to think that there won't be any more difficult times- we obviously still have the pressures of life to deal with (work, raising kids, etc.), but I am certain that LFA has been a very positive change for us. I think it has given my wife a renewed sense of self confidence, and I know it has made me a better person. I am much more relaxed and just generally more enjoyable to be around. I handle stress better, my temper seems to be under control, and the temptation to argue with my wife is almost completely gone. Frankly, I am now often the doting husband I always hoped to be. My sex drive is up, my wife looks more beautiful to me than she ever has, and I continue to be excited by her subtle reminders of her authority over me. Given that this has gone on uninterrupted for almost a month, I am convinced that it is genuine and permanent- as opposed to temporary excitement that might result from a new role-playing scenario.
I also routinely kiss or rub her feet (something I always wanted to do but rarely did), and she is clearly more receptive to this behavior than before we adopted LFA. I am hopeful that we will continue to discover together additional methods to reinforce our new roles. I think many men are taught that they must lead in all situations. This can have the effect of making us feel like we have to know everything in order to be a success. Not only is this an unrealistic expectation in any context, it is particularly burdensome in the context of a marriage- where the wife is simply better suited to make most, if not all, decisions. She continues to impress me as I keep my mouth shut and let her drive the boat- her decisions continue to be good ones (and not always what I would have chosen). Not only does she seem intrinsically better suited to make these decisions, she simply knows more about what goes on in our home life. That said, she is not too proud to ask for my input if she feels like it will be valuable. Another example- she has an ability to discipline our children and still have them feel loved- even in the immediate aftermath of the punishment. This is a gift I simply do not have. All of this has been incredibly liberating for me (yes, me). The burden of trying to lead my wife in situations where she should be in control has been lifted.
Greg T in Texas.
We have received many thoughtful and well-written success stories in the years that we have been doing running the site and updates page, and this is one of the most spectacular letters we have ever received.
You hit on some key benefits we often fail to reinforce. For example, your temper and your impulse to argue are greatly diminished. LFA gives you a first level filter that says, “she is in charge, and I obey” as opposed to “I agree or disagree”, and you have learned how liberating this can be. You are also so perceptive in highlighting her strengths as a woman and a wife.
You are both incredibly lucky to have each other.
Dear Emily and Ken:
Emily wrote: " I have mentioned before that bottom kissing is something most women learn to treasure, and for many submissive men it triggers deep a deep sense of their place in the relationship."
In my experience discovering these triggers is a vital part in the success of an AHF relationship. For us, triggers took two forms, both of which established that sense of place for each of us. Incidentally, neither took place in bed or involved orgasm control.
One trigger involved key words. An important cause of our AHF relationship was unacceptable behavior on my part. I was short and brusque too much of the time -- I didn't like it any more than my wife did. She called this behavior "snippy"; as our AHF parameters became established, she warned me against snippy behavior at the slightest deviation from an acceptable attitude. It instantly reestablished the dominant position in her mind – especially since I responded to it instantly by stopping and apologizing. So, this gave the sense of place to both of us.
Also, our morning ritual was essential. Every morning after she dropped the kids at school, she called to tell me that she was on her way home. This was a signal for me to stop what I was doing, prepare her tea, and wait for her at the kitchen table until she returned. I used the time to meditate on the relationship, how wonderful she was, and how much I wanted to serve and please her. It was very centering and -- as Emily writes -- triggered that deep sense of place. Upon returning home, she would sit at the table and drink her tea without even speaking to me at first. This taught me patience. Then she will initiate the conversation and we would speak about whatever might be on our minds. Afterwards, I knelt and kissed her hands until she told me to rise. Then, we went about our day.
While none of this -- the key words or the ritual -- involved any direct sexual contact, they were of course exciting to both of us. But she felt -- and I certainly agree -- that the point was for me to find that sense of place without the stimulus of sexual behavior. Finding that place is a reward in itself, maybe even our goal.
Not that I'm against bottom kissing: That's fun, too!
This excellent letter is an appropriate reminder that the rituals of reinforcing who is in charge and who obeys do not have to be sexual in nature to be effective.
I really like your website and your approach to this topic. Like most of the men who write to you, I am searching for a positive way to express my sexuality, which includes a life-long desire to give authority to a strong and loving woman.
Also like a lot of the men who write to you, I have tried out some ideas through stealth submission to my wife. For background, she is a beautiful and accomplished woman, smart, and a natural leader with very significant roles in civic affairs at several local, state and national organizations. Her decisions put the best interests of our family first, so, as an intelligent man, I have long deferred to her.
Regarding my implementation of stealth submission, before seeing your website or any others on this, I "invented" the idea that I would stop self-pleasuring. This produced intense loving feelings on my part for my poor unsuspecting wife. She had no idea how strong my sex drive was, and she had not really been unhappy about our (utterly becalmed) sex life. It had a wonderful effect on intimacy – before, she had complained that I would hardly ever touch her, but upon quitting I craved it.
I now have ten months of experience in my experiment, and I have learned some things about myself: If I am sexually interested but going without orgasms for three or four days, I feel much more anxiety, I am easily frustrated and get angry, and I lose a lot of sleep. I really struggle with feelings of rejection by my wife (who loves me, without a doubt, but her libido is decidedly low). At times I have gotten to feeling pretty emotionally unstable, feeling impulses to do reckless and crazy things (quit my job, ask for a divorce). I really have struggled with this. To get it under control, now, when I feel this happening I go ahead and masturbate. It makes me sad because it is not what I want, but it is effective in getting me back to a more stable mental state.
My submission experiment was stealthy, but I did tell my wife about discontinuing masturbation (it never had been a secret, although she preferred not knowing any details). After a few fights about sex she urged me to go back to self-pleasuring a little, to take pressure off of her and in light of the now apparent fact that orgasm was a major stress management tool for me. Eventually I concluded that she was right, reluctantly, because as I said it feels lonely and disappointing to me. I use it as a last resort.
Finally, I find myself having a second or third drink on nights I am sure there is little chance of sexual activity, because that makes it easier for me to accept that cuddling will be the extent of the activity for the night.
Don't get me wrong – I am powerfully attracted to the AHF relationship dynamic. I have tasted the happiness it brings me to make my wife the centerpiece of my life. Since starting in with stealth submission, I lost weight (back to high school trim), my wife has become incredibly attractive in my eyes, our sex life in fact has improved dramatically, and I have found it easy and gratifying to convert sexual energy into doing things for my wife. The idea of orgasm management seems very exciting, but I am really afraid that I cannot handle much of it. I am also afraid that my wife's low libido would lead her to not really embrace the trade off of replacing orgasms with a high degree of acknowledged sexuality in the relationship. Losing sleep out of excitement or frustration is a particular concern to me as it affects my job performance in a very challenging job.
Ken, I know you have observed that some men taking this path are highly self analytical – perhaps too much so. I even wonder if being aware of one's submissive feelings goes hand in hand with a high degree of self-analysis. Still, I am very interested in your views on the concerns I raise. I am being careful what I wish for.
Mike in New York
I am concerned by your letter in that the details I have omitted from the published version and even the ones I have included represent very dangerous paths. Alcohol as an answer to your problems, for example, is a disturbing option given the alternatives that are available to you..
I would highly encourage you to reach out to a local and certified counselor who can help to manage the symptoms of your frustration. However, I would also ask you to reach out to your wife with a more candid review of your feelings. You love this woman, you trust her leadership, and you acknowledge that she is concerned about your best interests. She is apparently uncomfortable with discussions that involve details of your sexuality, but she can and must be willing to deal with these issues if she is to help you.
I think you will find that self managing your orgasms will never represent a satisfying outcome. This facilitates physical denial, but does not enable the emotional intimacy that is brought about when she actively controls your pleasure.
Find the help you need. Your comments regarding self-analysis are brilliant, and you have no doubt concluded on your own that your letter represents a cry for help. You need to be the one to seek that help – not in the form of a answer from a distant website – but from trained professionals and the woman that you love.
Let me first thank you for the concise and detailed website that you two maintain. My wife and I also enjoyed the e-book. I enjoy reading the updates mostly, seeing how people progress with this. We are both twenty-six and reside in Australia.
Your site was not the trigger for us in adopting this lifestyle (although I wish I found it earlier). It simply happened. I was disillusioned by the lack of sex in our marriage and seriously entertained the idea of looking elsewhere for intimacy. Thankfully, before going down that road, I realized that although I might “scratch the itch” for a while, it would inevitably lead to destruction. For some unknown reason I decided to pour my love into the marriage from then on – as a trial if you like. I started cleaning, cooking and giving her wonderful massages every night. The bedroom became alive, it was all about her and I loved it. Sex, well I just love it. We’re having less “traditional” intercourse, but enjoying far more other delights, once again, all geared at her pleasure.
From the start, never once did I use the words submissive, dominant or orgasm management. Actions speak louder than words and that’s exactly the approach I took. She is the head of the house, she knows it, I know it. We later had discussions to this effect; however it all began with showering her with selfless acts of service for about a month. Confronting her with this topic out of the blue would have scared the socks off her and would have made me feel like a freak.
On a side note, I am embarrassed when I observe how some grown men behave/project themselves regarding this entire subject. I cringe! Femdom sex stories and the like belittle us and make us men out to be some sort of joke. The sad thing is that they are written for a predominantly male audience. What’s going on? I was raised a gentleman, a man’s man. I would never see myself in the situations depicted on this site. I have a real soft spot though, and that is my wife. I control myself (other than orgasm management), but it is a control exercised in such a way so as to benefit my wife entirely. She makes requests, has desires and also exercises the final say in matters – but she doesn’t control me. She’s living as a queen, enjoying life and making my life richer as well. She, and I, would never go back to how things were!
I know you guys must get inundated with emails – I hope this one finds you.
Craig, your perspective is perfect. You have the right motivations, and the outcome is the proof. While I do not judge men that turn to femdom pornography as a means to satisfy something missing in their lives, I do wish they would pursue more healthy alternatives such as the one we offer on our site.
And the truth shall set you free! I had no idea how good coming to this realization would be. My wife and I have been married for seventeen years and I always tried to uphold the traditional model of a marriage with great resistance from my wife. I stumbled on your site today, and the words that I read lifted a huge weight off of my shoulders. I have struggled with my desire for her to take charge for years.
My wife has encouraged me lately to communicate more about what I want sexually, and until today, I could not come up with the right words to explain it. It is that level of "sexual energy" that I crave. What I see described here is the more spiritual form of physical intimacy that I want. Serving my wife is something that I have begrudgingly moved toward, but not anymore. I plan to commit to her 100% and devote myself to her happiness. She is out of town, and I made a list of chores to finish before she gets back and will plan for the massage that she mentioned and make sure everything is just right.
I am not sure how to approach this with her, but I have a feeling it will be a huge relief to her as well since she has expressed her frustration with the traditional model of submission (wife to husband). She is a strong, intelligent and incredibly beautiful woman. The times that I have been the most aroused by her have been when she had control, knew it and exerted that power over me. Why couldn't I have come to this realization before?
Thank you for being here.
Mark in Tacoma, WA
I’m glad you happened upon us. Continue the open communication with your wife and make sure she is given all the resources that she needs to better understand how to help you both excel with an AHF relationship.
Our books and CD’s can be found at www.lulu.com/aroundherfinger/