December 2005

Letters from Women

We just spent some time with family over the Thanksgiving holiday. My brother-in-law, who has always been a jerk at family functions, seemed like a new man. He offered to help with the cooking, he pulled out my sister's chair when she sat down to dinner, and he insisted on cleaning up the entire dinner while we all sat in the den and talked.

I asked my sister what was up. She wouldn't say, except to tell me that she had a secret. After a week of prodding, she finally told me that Jerry, her husband, had confessed to her that he wanted her to be in control. He had seen your site, followed your suggestions, and with little hesitation, my sister was all over it.

My question to you is how I get my husband on this plan. Do you think all men have this in them? My husband has never been a jerk like Jerry, but he is definately the caveman type of guy that has to sit at the head of the table. I just find it hard to believe that he's got a submissive side that just needs to be dragged out of him.

Mary Beth in Tennessee

Emily responds...

Do all men have it in them to be the submissive? I don't know for certain. However, the more I have been involved in this site, the more I am beginning to think so. My husband is certainly of the opinion that his own submissive nature is innate. He thinks that most if not all men are born with a desire to submit to women, and some men's life experiences tend to bring this out to a greater degree than others. I know that his opinion is shared by others that write about this topic on the web.

As to what do to about it in your own marriage, I admit that there is very little information about it on our website. I have commented on it in past letters sections, but the focus of the site is on the much more pervasive number of men that already know they want to be controlled by their wives. The book, Around Her Finger, does devote much more attention to the challenge of a woman that wants to spark submission in her husband. I am sending you a copy of the book as I think you will find it helpful.

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Your site is extremely tame compared to much of the other material on female domination on the web. I am very glad for this, as I do not think I would ever have agreed to try a female-led household if my husband had pointed me to some of the racier sites that are available as my first foray into these ideas.

However... now that I have dipped my feet into the lake so to speak, my interest in trying new things is peaked. But since my husband approached me with your very tame site, I wonder that I might be shocking his sensibilities to take things in a new and maybe more intense direction. What are your thoughts on this?

Unsigned

Emily responds...

The above author and I exchanged a few more emails and I have a better idea by what she means by a more intense direction. I will not share those details here, but I will tell you that there is plenty of information available on all of these activities to anyone equipped with a web browser and fifteen minutes of time.

What most submissive men really want is the sort of loving female authority that we describe on our site. These same men may fantasize about more illustrious activities, but these activities absent true LFA would never really satisfy them. No woman should ever feel obligated participate in activities which she finds objectionable. However, if she would like to experiment with these activities, it is my very certain opinion that he would be open to her desires. When I showed Ken this letter, he was so certain that the husband would welcome this acceleration of intensity that he could only respond with a laugh as he nodded in agreement.


Letters From Men

First of all, I would like to thank you for your site. It has taken many years for me to realize I have submissive tendencies and acknowledge them to myself, much less admit them openly to my wife. I have been practicing stealth with my wife for at least the last 10 years. It was not until finding your site a few months ago that I found the courage to try to express my feelings to my wife. Although things have not worked out as I hoped because my approach was more than a little ham-handed as you will see below, your site has liberated me for which I will be forever grateful. In addition to writing to thank you I am writing to ask your advice. About five months ago I wrote what I thought was a romantic letter to my wife expressing my feelings about her and my desire to submit to her. I now realize that my letter was anything but subtle and romantic. Here’s why. Years ago when my wife and I were first dating I was not aware of my submissive tendencies. One night after dinner together we were sitting at our favorite bar having an after dinner drink. When she finished her drink she put her hand directly on to my crotch and suggested that we leave. I was flabbergasted, in heaven, elated, excited and from that moment on forever hers. We left the bar and slept together for the first time that night. To me this was the most important evening of my life so I started out my “romantic” letter to express my desire to serve my wife by recounting this memory. I was trying to explain that on that night I first submitted to her and fell totally in love with her. But it came out all wrong.

I now realize that while my letter was sexual, it was not romantic. And the result was far from what I wanted or expected. I put the note to my wife in a truly romantic card about how she means the world to me. We went out to dinner at a favorite neighborhood restaurant and before dinner I gave her the card with my note inside. I ended the note by saying I did not expect her to react to it then, but that I hoped we could talk about it later. Several days later I gave her your book, Around Her Finger, hoping it was open the way for a conversation.

Well . . . to make a long story short, later has never come and I fear we will never discuss my desires. All she has said is, “why are you doing this to me?” Since then when I have tried to broach the subject she has refused to talk about it. She thanks me for what I do around the house and what I do for her, but she refuses to tell me what she wants me to do or how to act. My wife actually seems to be competing with me by trying to do more and more work around the house than she used to. I have continued to practice stealth submission by doing chores around the house, getting up early to make coffee that I bring with the newspaper to her bed, giving my wife backrubs and foot rubs when she will let me. However she often refuses to let me do these things. I know that my letter got my confession of a desire to submit to my wife off on the wrong foot. I am willing to do anything I have to to set things right with her.

So my question is what do I do now? I know that I must obey her wishes and if she doesn’t wish to let me submit to her or tell me to do things for her, then I have to accept that too. Still I desperately crave my wife’s authority in my life and for her to tell me how to act and what to do to bring her pleasure. I feel like I cannot be whole until this happens. Is there anything I can do to repair the damage my letter did? Will I ever be able to get her to not only be the supreme authority in my life, but also to act like it in a direct way? What steps should I take now? Please help me."

Unsigned

Emily responds...

While Ken typically responds to letters from men, I have had an ongoing email dialogue with the author of the above letter, and wanted to comment on this myself.

Many submissive men have been struggling, consciously or unconsciously, with their desire to submit to women for their entire lives. At certain periods in their lives, their submissive feelings occupy so much of their waking thoughts that it becomes nothing short of an obsession. When this happens, it is almost impossible for these men to put themselves in the mindset of the women to whom they wish to confess their desires for submission. To successfully nurture her dominance, however, you have to be able to understand her.

She has probably never heard the term "loving female authority". To her, male submission and female dominance is the stereotype presented on sitcom television. I promise you that most women do not relish the notion of turning in their existing self-image for that of the latex-clad dominatrix that exists on the fringes of popular culture. In the case of the letter that you sent to your wife, it started with a very sexual anecdote. Granted it was one in which she participated and even initiated, but still, you described it in a way that I felt was crass and was certainly a weak start to expressing your thoughts.

Go back and try and think about how you can present your submission to her in the context of how she views herself today. Do it in small steps. A man who has been shouldering the burden of household chores for some time, as you seem to have been doing, might look for a way to escalate his service to his wife. You might bring her a drink and sit at her feet one night in front of the television. Bring some lotion and start rubbing her feet. If you sense that she feels guilty for indulging herself in this pleasure at your expense, tell her that the more you have matured, the more your love for her has grown, that you find yourself looking for ways to make her happy. In fact, it makes you happy to do these things for her. Get her to accept this potentially radical notion before moving on to the next step. This may take weeks. It may take months.

What would be the logical next step? It might be that you wait for a large household decision on which you might have some minor disagreement. Cede the decision to your wife and let her know why. Tell her that while you might have some reservations about the choice she wants to make, you have seen time and time again that her judgement is better than yours, and you prefer to follow her lead. Tell her that in fact, she makes a better head of the household than you do. Tell her that for some time, you have considered her such. Count all of these small steps as major wins. She will begin to accept her leadership role on her own terms. This is important.

So what are the bigger steps that you can take as you begin to build up to the confessional conversation that we describe in the book and on the site? You go from rubbing her feet to licking her feet. You go from foot massages to buying a massage table. You explain to her why sometimes you like to be intimate with her, but not have orgasms. You let her know that it is particularly exciting if she be the one to ask you to stop short of a climax.

Unfortunately there is no formula. There are principles to consider that will make you more or less successful. I know that you can regroup with a more steady approach and be successful in developing a female-led household in your own marriage.

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Maybe your male readers can benefit from my mistakes. After graduation from college, I married my high-school sweetheart and set about to realize my ambitions by starting my own company so I could acquire all those material things necessary to fulfilling the American dream. For both of us, our twenties were all about learning to live and work together to provide greater security. For me, personally, there was no need for introspection. I simply combined what I had been taught with my own innate abilities to make myself competitive in whatever I chose to do. In the meantime, my wife worked to help financially support my efforts, which eventually succeeded in providing us with a very comfortable lifestyle.

When I finally reached the point where I could stop to smell the roses, I was overcome with a recurring deep seeded need for submission that I had successfully buried for years under layers of work-related responsibilities. However, this need was no longer to be denied and, after eight long years of hiding this side of my personality, I finally worked up the courage to reveal it to my wife. Needless to say, she was anything but sympathetic, empathetic, or even kind. In addition to announcing she wasn’t the dominant type, she made it clear that she didn’t understand the need, didn’t want to understand the need, didn’t wish to discuss it any further, and suggested I seek professional help. And that, as they say, was that!

In a word, I was devastated. Because her rejection of this side of my personality was so painful, I treated it as an over-all rejection of me. Although we never spoke of this again, it drove a wedge between us that got driven deeper and deeper until I finally asked for a divorce several years later.

In hindsight, I did everything wrong and for purely selfish reasons. However, in my own defense, this was before the era of the Internet informational super highway and, although Female-led relationships might have existed, they certainly weren’t discussed the way they are today. Authorities like Emily Addison didn’t have the benefit of offering her advice in such an open, international forum. Had I had the benefit of a knowledgeable female’s insight, my approach would have been totally different, and maybe the results would have been different, too.

What would I do differently? I would not reveal my submissive desires until I thoroughly understood the dynamics involved, and I was thoroughly prepared to make good on all my promises. I would focus on how such a relationship directly benefits my wife. For my wife, financial security was paramount. I would explain how I was willing to have a checking account created in her name giving her exclusive control over our finances. In addition, I would explain how my paycheck would be deposited directly into her account, and how I agreed to an allowance in an amount determined by her. I would also explain how I agreed to assume responsibility for those domestic tasks and duties she assigned to me, and how I was prepared to increase my physical and emotional support of whatever she chose to do. In purely practical terms, trying to convince her to buy into this kind of relationship is similar to a salesperson overcoming buying objections. Unless the prospective buyer can be convinced that her investment (in this case emotional) will greatly improve her life, there is no chance of making a sale. Additionally, I would make every effort to let my actions speak louder than words by demonstrating my love and devotion to making her life easier and more rewarding.

Just having the courage to reveal your desires doesn’t necessarily mean they will automatically be fulfilled. Achieving your goal of living under the loving authority of a Female-led relationship requires a good deal of delicate diplomacy in an open, honest and safe forum where everyone’s opinions will be respected. If I ever again have the chance to approach the one I love with the prospect of sharing a Female-led relationship, I will definitely put her needs way above my own.

Unsigned

Ken responds...

This letter seems such a perfect follow-up to the previous letter. It is both a warning that these ideas are powerful and often elicit negative reactions when presented imperfectly. It is also a treasure of wisdom from someone who has learned from his mistakes.

Describing the slow revelation of your desire to submit to your wife as a sales effort is an interesting analogy. While many professional salespeople are often portrayed as fast-talking, hard-driving hucksters, the successful salespeople that I have know have been more calculating in their approach. Just as the writer suggests, potential submissive husbands should analyze what elements of a female-led household will have the most appeal to their wives. Position and deliver these benefits and work on the more challenging areas with patience and perserverance.

The consequences of a negative sales effort are demonstrated in both of these letters. Never lose sight of the fact that a rushed and poorly executed effort can have very significant emotional consequences in the relationship. Risk is always present when the stakes are high.