Aplogies in advance for the delay in getting this update posted. I have changed jobs recently and have been extremely busy managing the transition. Believe me, Emily and I value your letters ,and we look forward to the opportunity to post them this and every month.
Before getting to this month's letters, I just want to make a quick announcement:
For all the submissive men out there that are seeking an absolute no-risk way to bring up the topic of female-led relationships, your prayers might just have been answered.
Fox is launching a new show called When Women Rule the World. We are still waiting to see exactly when the show is expected to premier, but it is part of their new line-up for the upcoming season. This show may represent the single-best catalyst for any men still struggling with a way to breach the topic of loving female authority with their wives.
I suggest that any men that have not already done so order a hardcopy of one of our books prior to the premier, so it is avaible as the show opens up dialogue opportunities with you and your wives. We will showcase suggestions on how best to take advantage of this show as the on-air date nears, and we will almost certainly feature success stories after it comes out.
This show may end up being a mockering of loving female authority or an advocate for the cause, but again, it is the catalyst it will create for honest communication that we look forward to the most.
Our books and CD's are available at: http://www.lulu.com/aroundherfinger
Email questions directly to Emily at Emily (dot) Addison (@) gmail.com
Here is the announcement from the Fox TV site:
When Women Rule the World
What if it was “a woman’s world”? What if women made ALL the decisions? If men were their obedient subjects?
These questions and more will be explored when a group of strong, educated, independent women, tired of living in a man’s world and each with a personal axe to grind, rule over a group of unsuspecting men used to calling the shots on WHEN WOMEN RULE THE WORLD.
The unscripted series will reveal how women and men react in a world where women are in charge and men are subservient, and each gender’s ability to adapt to a new social order will be put to the test.
The participants will be brought to a remote, primitive location where the women will have the opportunity to “rule” as they build a newly formed society – one where there is no glass ceiling and no dressing to impress. For the men, their worlds of power and prestige are turned inside-out and upside-down. And for these women, turnabout is fair play!
In order to win, the men must accede to the women’s every demand, 24/7. Here, women command and men obey. Over the series’ duration, the men will be eliminated by the women until one last man is standing.
How will the men react? How will the women treat the men? Can women effectively rule society? Will the men learn what life is like for some women in today’s world? Will this new society be a Utopia or a hell on earth? And in the end, who will be man enough to succeed in the new social order?
Letters from Women
I'm emailing you because I can't seem to find anything that specifically applies to my situation anywhere on your websites or even any other websites I've looked on.
Here's my situation. I met a guy a few months ago and we immediately hit it off and from the beginning have been very open and honest with each other. About a month after we met, when we were dating but not exclusive, he brought up the concept of a female-led relationship. I was receptive and started doing some research on my own. Since then we've become exclusive and are figuring out ways to work female authority into our relationship. But since we are not married or living together and still in a new relationship, I have some thoughts and questions that are unique to our situation.
First, since we aren't living together (and frankly, not seeing each other very often right now because of a big work event for him), I'm not quite sure how to implement orgasm management effectively. Because opportunities for intimacy are fewer, I sometimes feel bad denying him an orgasm, especially if it's been a week or so since our last intimate encounter. I also don't always know when our next opportunity will be, and I don't want him to go too long without an orgasm and get frustrated. Also because we aren't living together, I've had to be more creative with the demands I place on him. There is no laundry or chores to do, so instead I send him on errands to buy me lingerie, have him cook me dinner, etc. I've also put together a budget for him (he has given me access to his finances). However, I feel like I'm really limited in the things I can demand from him, especially when he's extremely busy at work (which he is now). Is it unusual for couples to begin a relationship like this?
We've yet to build the history and depth of love that many of the married couples on the site have. We've placed a lot of trust in one another very quickly and while I feel like we are at the beginning of something amazing, I can't help but wonder and worry about the vulnerability and trust we've given to each other (especially him) without that background. We are hoping to build that history and love partially with the help of loving female authority. What do you think about this?
Thanks for your time. I'm not sure if I've put this all in a way that makes a lot of sense or is very organized, but I am really just kind of feeling my way through all of this!
I was so pleased to read your letter. Your boyfriend's courage to discuss his desires and your willingness to explore this new relationship dynamic are a sign of good things to come for both of you. You have many questions in your letter, and I hope to address all of them, but let me first give you some thoughts on what I see as the bigger picture with you and your boyfriend.
Your problem right now is not that you have little time to practice loving female authority; your problem is that you have little time to spend together... period. Any new relationship demands that time be spent getting to know one another so that you can become comfortable with who someone is and what the two of you can ultimately come to depend on in each other. I worry that if the little time you have to spend in each other's company is too focussed on orgasm management and obedient service to your wishes, then you will not get to know him for what he is beyond his submissive nature. I think, however, that you know this already. I just wanted to highlite the point as it does seem pertinent to addressing your more specific questions.
So, with all that said, I think that there are things you can do in the short-term that will accomodate your shared desire to build a relationship that has loving female authority as a central pillar. Allow me to assume that for the time being, you are only seeing him on weekends. I do think that from an orgasm management perspective, it is very important that he not be allowed to climax while away from you. You know him better than I, but I believe that very few men can be trusted not to masturbate when away for a week at a time. You can ask him to check in with you every night via a phone call, but short of measures outside the scope of this site, I think that this may be the best you can do. In any event, a nightly phone call is a good thing while you are still struggling to know each other. I also suggest that you add a requirement that he compose a nightly email journal where he talks about his thoughts on a list of subjects provided by you. This can really help to jumpstart the process of getting to know him better.
When he does show up in person to see you, presumably on Friday nights, I would not suggest that this is the right time to let him off the hook in regard to his orgasm. If a lack of opportunity for intimacy is your concern, I would first want to ask what you mean by this. Are we talking about your need for emotional intimacy represented by intercourse, your need for sexual climax, or his need for sexual climax? I would tell you first to not worry about his needs for an orgasm. Believe me, his real needs are being met by the intense emotional intimacy that you provide with your loving female authority. While he does need physical intimacy from you, he does not need an orgasm. You, however, may need an orgasm, or you may desire intercourse -- and I want to address your needs -- but that doesn't mean you need to let him climax.
Instead, have him perform oral sex on you. This may be enough for you, but some women do need more. If you want intercourse, have him penetrate you but have him tell you in advance of an orgasm coming on so that you can stop him prior to climax. One technique that has been suggested is to use a vibrating ring that he can wear during lovemaking. The ring serves a double purpose. It helps him to control and prolong his orgasm, but more importantly, it provides an intense physical sensation that allows you to experience your own orgasm from the vibration of the toy. He can position himself inside you and then remain still, allowing the vibrating component to be pressed against your most sensitive area. Women find that this provides ample stimulation for their own orgasm, but men find it insufficient physical stimulation for their climax. However, because he is inside you, the intimacy that only intercourse can provide is achieved. These rings are commonly available at adult novelty stores.
Ultimately, he will have to experience release. The right time for him to climax might be on the Sunday night that ends your weekend together. Afterwards, give him some chore to do that begins rebuilding his submissive feelings that the orgasm is so likely to destroy. Have him give you a massage, or just rub your feet, and remind him that the orgasm you just allowed will be his last until he sees you again next weekend.
Before you send him off the next morning, be sure he has the list of subjects you are assigning him for his email journal. This should be an adequate expression of your authority while he is away. Do not feel obligated to work too hard to make your authority known. Your heart is in the right place, and believe me, he will not easily forget that you are in charge. This is particularly true since you are managing his finances. He does indeed trust you enormously since you have only known him a short time.
Dana, I hope that all of this has helped. Just remember that this dynamic is as much about you as it is about him. Balance his needs with the level of effort that you feel is appropriate and you will find a happy medium. Loving female authority can and does work for beginning couples. You will end up living proof. I am sure of it.
It is not my habit to provide personal responses in advance of their appearance on these updates pages, but in the case of Dana, I did just that. Dana was kind enough to send the following very thoughtful note. I am providing it below as Dana's approach to building her relationship by nurturing her boyfriend's submission exemplifies our own approach to loving female authority.
Thank you so much for your thorough and extremely thoughtful response. You were able to address the issues and concerns that I wasn't able to articulate myself and have given me wonderful suggestions for moving forward with him.
Just to update you, we are working on making more time for one another. He has been going through a time where he's been working 80 hour weeks, making it difficult to see each other on a regular basis. When we do, the focus is not on obedience, but on other "vanilla" aspects of our lives and who we are, with loving female authority overtones. Our relationship began with and is based on who we are as people, but we both see loving female authority as a way to explore levels of intimacy and trust that neither of us has ever experienced before (he has never brought this up with any of his old girlfriends).
You have helped me gain more of the confidence and assurance I need in order to proceed with him in a firm, but loving way and I am looking forward to everything that is ahead of us.
My husband recently made me aware of your site. To be honest, I have reservations. I do not want to tell him what to do all the time. I am not his mother after all.
Open your mind and your heart to what your husband is seeking. Realize that it took great courage for him to come forward to you with this suggestion. His desire to submit to you is first and foremost an expression of his love for you. Men have difficulty expressing their love, and loving female authority provides a mechanism for them to do this. I understand that this is uncomfortable for you. Men are often uncomfortable communicating, but the best of them overcome this in order to meet the emotional needs of their wife. Men are often uncomfortable being romantic, but the best of them step up to this challenge as well as they know it is important to their wives. This is your chance.
As to you not being his mother, believe me, I have heard this before. Yes, his mother was an authority figure that told him what to do. He likely had female teachers that also fit this bill, and maybe a female boss along the way. However, this is so far removed from what he seeks with you that the comparison holds no water. What he seeks from you is emotional and physical intimacy. He wants a greater level of opennes, communication sexuality in the relationship that he knows LFA, properly administered, can afford him. Your authority is a bridge to that intimacy, not an end in itself. Always remember that.
Letters from Men
I never thought I would be writing you with a success story of my own, but here I am. Not only did I succeed in introducing my interest in loving female authority to my wife, but we just celebrated the one year anniversary of our continued commitment to a wife-led marriage.
I met my wife at a church singles function almost ten years ago. We hit it off, having a great deal in common including a very traditional value system, and married within a year. While I had always known that I was sexually excited by images and thoughts of female authority, I really felt like it was just something that was wrong with me, and that I would eventually be able to get past this once I was established in my marriage and my life in general. But as I got older, the fantasies did not diminish, they only got more intense. So now I was very established in my career, I was active in my church, I had two children, a beautiful wife, but I felt increasingly like I was living a double-life. While I was faithful to my wife, and my exploration of pornography was very limited compared to what I have read from others on your pages, I still felt like I was hiding something that occupied so much of my waking thoughts.
I was made aware of your book because I was googling to look for the type of intelligent content on this subject that you ultimately provided. Even after reading everything on your site, I still did not act. I was terrified by what my wife would say if I tried to approach her with these ideas. I felt like I would be doing a bait and switch with her. Remember, we met at a church function. She is truly a classic soccer mom, and our marriage was, I thought, a very happy one.
Eventually I ordered your book. I was sort of surprised by the content. It's approach is so different from your site (in a good way). I think I would have ordered the book sooner had I understood how you pulled it all together. It gave me the confidence to go to her and tell her what I had been thinking for a very long time. I first tried to talk to her, but I couldn't get it right. She had so many questions and I felt like I didn't have a way to answer her that made me feel comfortable that I was really explaining myself. I told her to just read your book, which I honestly was not even sure that I was going to give her when I first decided to approach her. She did read it, and then she told me she wanted to discuss it on an upcoming weekend trip where her parents would be watching the kids.
One of the first things to come out of that conversation completely shocked me. It turned out that while I thought she was happy, she really was not. She felt that I was distant, not affectionate, didn't communicate well, and didn't appreciate all the work she did around the house and with the kids. While she was not thinking about leaving me, she was on the verge of confronting me about getting marriage counseling. She said that she was willing to try Around Her Finger, because she did think that she could see it fixing some of our problems. Her only hesitation was not that she thought it was weird, or inconsistent with her values or anything like that. Her hesitation was that she did not think it could last. She thought it was just a sexual fantasy and I would get over it and go back to the way things were.
We started our boot camp that evening. She had me strip and kneel in front of her. She started with a very modest list of household tasks for which she wanted me to be responsible. She told me that she expected me to be a better listener, to communicate more (to keep no secrets), and to obey her. We started 'orgasm management' that night. There's no doubt that nothing has been the same since. I think I didn't realize how much stronger our marriage could be before all this started.
Thank you for giving me the direction and the courage to act.
You have only yourself to thank. Congratulations, I hope your letter inspires others.
Hi Emily and Ken,
I introduced my wife to your website after much nail biting on my part, and so far she's very receptive to a female led relationship. My background: I'm a naturally submissive male, married with children to a naturally dominant woman (Hey Baby...if you're reading this :).
She has previously been uncomfortable with the dominant role, and I think it's because she has been thinking that I wanted a dominatrix....a fetish/role play thing. I myself have just recently come to realize that I'm looking for a FLR instead of just sex play. She has a dominant personality that's always been there, but she's just recently made me aware she's been supressing it. Shame, fear, not wanting to be too "bitchy", not wanting to drive me away. These, I think, are the reasons she's been supressing her dominant side. I'm submissive by nature and have been interested in this type of arrangement....wherein I serve and she commands.
When I saw your site several weeks ago, it all seemed to click. This isn't too outrageous and it's mutually beneficial...a win-win. I casually mentioned to my wife that I would love to have her manage my orgasms. She was very willing, and she has given me a list of chores (mostly cleaning) to finish. Then (hopefully) I'll be expected to keep up with the maintainence cleaning and dusting, the chores she absolutely wants done but can't stand to do. She is tying these chores to my orgasms, and I cannot tell you how much more enjoyable it has made the work.
What can I do to make sure this really works out? Any tips? I feel like our roles are becoming perfectly situated and I don't want to seem like I'm coming on too strong or anything. I'm not being over-the-top submissive like in some of the stories online, I'm just trying to be sincere in my submission and ensure that she doesn't shy away from her dominant side. For the last week we've both been enjoying it very much. I want it to last considerably longer!
I wouldn't worry about it one bit. You are naturally submissive, she is naturally dominant, this is the sort of relationship that is, well... natural! Let her set the pace, let her take this where she wants to go. Just make sure that you are constantly communicating so that she will know what is working and what is not.
I am very confident you will grow together in this relationship for many, many years to come.-----
Our books and CD's are available at: http://www.lulu.com/aroundherfinger Email questions directly to Emily at Emily (dot) Addison (@) gmail.com