Welcome to the November Updates
It seems like the next update is due almost as soon as we finish the last. Our labor of love continues, and we welcome all the letters we receive, the ones we publish as well as those that we do not.
I ask that all of our readers take special note of the first of this month's letters from men. It relates a horribly negative experience that one member of our community had in sharing his interest in loving female authority with his wife. I would very much welcome any direct replies to this letter. I can either post them on here or forward them directly to the letter’s author.
Letters from Women
I have been lurking on your site and blog for months, but I have not before now been moved to write you.
I am another one of those wives that believed (wrongly) that my husband would be the last one to be interested in being submissive to me. My husband is very successful at work, very outgoing, and gives one the impression that he is, if anything, much more dominant than submissive.
I got my first hints at his interest in this topic soon after we were married. He tried to get me engage in domination play in the bedroom, even buying me toys and outfits to prod my participation. I first played along with him, but certainly never lived up to his expectations, and I let him know that it was really not something that interested me. At the time I wrote it off as a kinky fetish of his that occupied a small part of his thoughts, and I had no idea of the extent that it actually occupied his mind. It was only this past summer, when I opened the history folder on our shared computer to find a site I had visited recently, that I was confronted by the full extent of his interest in this topic.
The one saving grace from the time I spent looking through the websites he visited was seeing your own amongst them. You provided an opportunity for me to not only begin to develop a framework for understanding him, but more importantly, you provide a model with which I think I can live. I use the future tense here because even though I discovered his web history four months ago, he still does not know it.
Sometime over the next few weeks or months, I plan on giving my husband exactly what he wants, or more accurately, needs. I have been thinking quite a bit about this, and I am excited by what I believe it can offer our relationship. I am quite sure that he will be shocked by my intentions. For example, I plan on [adopting techniques I have learned about from other websites]. My plan is to be quite demanding, with an emphasis on using LFA to develop our relationship. I will say that I particularly liked the suggestion you recently made to one woman to have her boyfriend keep a journal on topics of her choosing. I feel like after ten years of marriage, I will finally have a vehicle to get him to express himself to me.
Thank you again for everything that you and your devoted husband do.
Unsigned in Tucson
I am so pleased with your letter. I am certain that your husband will enjoy everything that you have in store for him. Please do keep us up to date with how your “coming out” affects your relationship.
My husband and I have been practicing an Around Her Finger marriage for over one year. Like other women that have written to you, he would get hot and cold in terms of his affection and focus on me, and like other women, I assumed that it was because I was not managing the cycle of his orgasms correctly.
But after going through this for some time, I think that I disagree with you. I think that the way to deal with these down cycles is not by tweaking the orgasm management, but instead by taking firm actions that re-affirm our roles in the marriage. Honestly, I’ve become used to being in control, and I figured this out only because I put my foot down one day and saw how it affected him.
I had noticed he had been slacking off on cleaning and chores. Then one night I asked him for the remote control, and he came back and said he just wanted to finish watching his show. I let this pass. Later, when I asked him for a foot rub, he complied, but did so with a grumpy attitude and complained that he was very tired. I guess I just had enough. Having a wife-led marriage was his idea, and I did not think I should have to work so hard at it.
I calmly but sternly told him to take off his clothes and that he would give me my foot rub while he was naked. You had said one time that this makes men feel vulnerable and increases their submission. It seemed to work for him. He started kissing my feet before rubbing lotion on them, something he had not done in a while. As he did so I told him how I was tired of his attitude, and that he would obey me or he would be sleeping on the floor at the foot of my bed for the week. I reminded him that I was in charge and he was, as per the original agreement, expected to obey me. Then I had him [provide me with oral sex] before moving to the bed where he gave me a massage as I went to sleep.
For the next two weeks our relationship continued perfectly. And now, whenever I see him starting to slip, I give him a reminder of one sort or another of our new roles in the relationship.
You provided a great letter, and I thank you for sharing your experience. I hope I never gave the impression that orgasm management alone is enough to maintain this dynamic. Overt and frequent demonstrations of your authority are at least as important as physical intimacy that excludes the male orgasm. Orgasm management together with these reminders of your roles are the magic to making loving female authority work.
When you were unhappy with the way things were going, you didn’t just complain, you took action. You were rewarded for your initiative.
Letters from Men
I wanted to write to you because I don't think I've read a letter on your site from someone who has had a negative experience. Over a year ago, after months and months of agonizing, i approached my wife about LFA. I had engaged in "stealth submission" several times through the years (almost 20 now), but finally worked up the courage to be honest and open about my feelings. To be brief, it failed miserably.
My wife pretty much outright rejected the notion and moved on. I tried to open the discussion several other times, but she seemed to get agitated, angry and shut down. I tried to get her to just look at your site and do some research then talk with me, but it never happened. I'm not certain whether it is my own embarrassment over bearing my soul and being rejected or if it is real, but it seems that she has been more distant than before. The emotional intimacy I felt in the lead up to this seems lost and I feel she has lost some of the respect she had for me. This has not destroyed my marriage, but it does seem that it has changed it.
I feel lost now. Before I at least had the fantasy that at some point, in the future, this might be a reality and I might be able to really be myself with the woman I love. I know I have to let it go and move on and I can't really even get an idea from her about where she is emotionally with this. It seems that I rationalized to myself that this was going to be something she could get her mind around because she is a very assertive woman who is a natural leader. Unfortunately, she was repulsed by the notion.
I'm writing this to give you and your readers the other side. This doesn't always go well, and a man must decide if this is worth the risk. As for me, I wish I had kept my desires to myself. The picture you paint on you site and through your letters seems much more positive than the reality I experienced. I hope you will post this so others will know that coming out to your spouse with these feelings comes at considerable risk.
I am very sorry to hear that your courage in sharing your feelings was met with such a dramatic negative reaction by your wife. We have certainly received and published negative letters before, and we do understand the intense personal rejection associated with this outcome. I believe that most every man that comes to this site balances the possibility of that reaction against the intensely desired goal state of loving female authority and proceeds accordingly.
I will offer you hope by saying that we have received letters from men whose wife reacted very negatively to the initial introduction only to come around to a more receptive attitude months later. I certainly hope that this will be the case in your own marriage.
Over the years, my wife and I have gravitated towards a wife led marriage.
We practice orgasm management and on this issue as with every issue in our home her word is final. My wife enjoys oral stimulation but also enjoys sexual intercourse. One thing she wants very much is for me not to climax before her. I find this very difficult. Usually I am so primed and wound up from extended foreplay that as soon as I penetrate, I climax.
Any advice you could give would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.
Emily recently counseled a woman to explore the use of a vibrating ring, available at adult novelty stores, that wraps around the base of the penis and can be positioned against the woman during intercourse. This allows the intimacy of sexual intercourse and affords the woman a high-likelihood of an orgasm while allowing the man to remain somewhat still, thus reducing his own likelihood of ejaculating prematurely. When the ring is extended around the scrotum, it also provides the additional benefit of prolonging male orgasm and maintaining the erection.
You can combine this technique by using a desensitizing cream, also available at adult novelty stores. Rub this cream onto your erection before intercourse and then wear a condom before entering your wife so that her own genitalia is not exposed to the cream when it comes in contact with your own.
You mentioned that you have a new job. I was wondering if you would share some personal information with us?
Since you are pretty open with living a FLR having a website and writing a book, do people at work know of this? What kind of work do you do? How does being a submissive husband affect your professional life? Who is the primary earner in you family, you or Emily? What kind of career does Emily have?
The reason that I ask is that I always wonder who are the people that have a marriage like the one I want to have. Are the men submissive in all aspects of their life including professional? Are the women dominant in all aspects of their lives? I have a pretty "normal" career, I am a business manager and the primary income source for our family, but when I get home or interact with my wife I want her to be in charge.
Emily and I are very reluctant to share personal information, but I will open up to you about a few things.
First, Emily and Ken Addison are pseudonyms. While we are a real couple leading a wife-led marriage, we do not use our real names. We are intensely private, and our friends and family, with very few exceptions, have any idea how deeply committed we are to the concepts we discuss on this site.
I am the primary breadwinner in the marriage. Emily gives me an allowance, and I very often request and receive other money, but the source of most of our monthly income is primarily my job. I am employed by a large company which would be familiar to all of the readers of this site in a managerial capacity. In the parlance of the corporate world, I would be called a mid-level manager. I prefer not to say exactly what I do, but it is the cause for a modest amount of travel, some stress, and an income probably slightly better than the typical American.
Emily works outside the home as a volunteer for a non-profit. She also is involved in a number of community activities where she holds a leadership role. While I make more money, her responsibilities are greater than mine and her work is more important.
While I may have never thought of it before receiving your letter, I think that being submissive has definitely impacted my career. Do not misunderstand, I feel as though I am a strong leader at work, being very aggressive and demanding with my employees. I also do not think it has affected the way I interact with women at work. My demeanor and attitude towards my prior boss, who was female, was professional and courteous, just as my demeanor and attitude is towards my current male boss.
What I will say, however, is that since openly submitting to Emily, my work is just not as important to me as it used to be. I think I used to try and self-actualize by being successful at work. I have now come to accept that financial or career success will never fulfill me. The only meaningful way for me to achieve happiness is by giving my wife one hundred and ten percent of my energy and attention. This has affected my career because it has caused to me to pass on opportunities at work that would have taken my focus off Emily. However, the net of my priorities has been a peace and a contentment that has rewarded me many times over.
I love and serve my wife. Just as we say on our site, I am truly happiest when wrapped around her finger.