Welcome to the December Updates
Happiest of holidays to all of our readers. Thank you all for the continued letters of support and commitment to our mission. We remain dedicated to providing a safe landing zone where men can send their wives and partners to learn more about female-led relationships.
Around Her Finger, can now be found at Amazon.com. Here is the link below:
As always, our books and CD’s can be found at:
Lulu now offers an Ipad version of the all of our books!Send questions, comments and success stories to Emily (dot) Addison (at) Gmail (dotcom)
Letters from Women
I have read a number of letters on your site that seem to suggest that a woman’s openness to your ideas is a function of her age, or maybe more accurately, the generation with which she identifies. I agree completely.
I am in my early twenties, and my friends and I seem to be more comfortable with the notion of an open discussion of where men fall on the dominant/submissive continuum than my mother’s generation. I believe my father, a wonderful man and great husband, was submissive to my mother, but I believe it was an unspoken dance that the two went through together. I don’t think they ever discussed it openly.
For me and my female friends, we understand that it is a key dimension of compatibility. We are all attractive, educated young women, and we each seek relationships with high quality, driven men, but men who are willing to put their egos aside and openly defer the lead role in the relationship to the woman. These are not difficult conversations for us to have with the men we meet, and I find men more than willing to articulate an honest opinion about their own preferences on a first date or even following an introduction at a party.
For my own part, my standards are high. I expect loyalty, respect, and an expressed understanding that I call the shots, and that I have complete freedom to pursue the life that I choose to lead. In return, I am willing to open my heart, return the respect, and give him what he needs to be happy in a relationship that we share together -- on my terms. There is no shortage of fantastic men that long for a relationship like this.
I think your observations are correct relative to the generation gap. I am not so certain that your attitude, while admirable and progressive, is shared by your entire generation, but the trend is certainly developing. Submission should not be a stigma, and wife-led marriage should be an option that is open to all.
Letters from Men
Dear Emily and Ken,
I am proof positive that persistence pays off.
I have been married to my wife for seventeen years. While I knew that I was submissive before I married her, I thought that these feelings would fade with time. I never knew how ingrained these feeling were, and I certainly did not anticipate that they would grow in intensity over time rather than fade as I had predicted. Several months into my marriage I had tried to introduce playful elements of female authority in the bedroom, but she would really have no part of it. She was very conservative and very set in her ways. She was not the least bit open to anything that wasn’t incredibly main stream.
From the start, I did have a couple of things going for me that have kept the submissive side in me somewhat satisfied. One of those is that my wife is a very demanding. She’s certainly not dominant, in fact she’s generally very low key, but she likes to get pampered and she likes to have things her way. The second thing is that, in the bedroom, she really enjoys having oral sex performed on her. So even if our very vanilla sex life has traditionally ended in intercourse with me climaxing, I have at least gotten the great pleasure of spending fifteen to thirty wonderful minutes giving her my complete attention prior to intercourse.
Like most men on here, I tried the path of stealth submission. Also like most men on here, I learned the limitations of unilaterally submitting. So while I am sure she enjoyed the initial surge of foot rubs, massages, and me doing all the laundry… it didn’t work for me. It was probably about that time that I discovered your site. So, like many men on here desperate to be in a truly female-led marriage, I opened up to her. I sent her an email with a link to the site, and I followed this by giving her a copy of your book. I felt it was too awkward to actually speak to her about the topic, and maybe this was a mistake. She seemed to ignore the email and then book. When I finally asked her, she said simply that she was not interested, and she was surprised that I would have suggested it. To me, it was outright rejection.
About a month after that, however, we went on a trip out of town. We had a great dinner, and when we came back to the room, she went into the bathroom to get ready. She came out wearing an incredibly sexy outfit, and she lay down next to me on the bed. She kissed me and then whispered in my ear that we were not going to have sex. She wanted me to go down on her, and when she was satisfied, we would go to sleep. This was an amazing night. It was the first time that I felt the rush of being denied an orgasm. I think she liked it too, and we played with this for about three months. However, one night she just announced that she did not want this anymore. She said it just didn’t feel like her. It all ended , with no good explanation, as quickly as it had begun.
So life went on, but my need to have loving female authority in my life never went away. Then, probably about two to two and a half years ago, things just started to go wrong for me at work. I didn’t lose my job, it was just that I had a new boss who was a jerk, new pressures, and I felt like I was bringing all that stress home from the office. She noticed that change, and obviously was not happy with my declining mood and my short temper. In my own head, I knew I was not the person I wanted to be. I just couldn’t find peace; I couldn’t focus.
Then, very suddenly, things changed. I came home from working very late in the office one night. The kids had already gone to bed, and my wife was also in bed, reading. I went about my business, putting my things away, and also getting ready for bed. I climbed into bed next to her, and without saying anything, I turned on the TV. I know that she hates it when I turn the TV on when she is trying to read, but I didn’t care. I was exhausted, and I was being selfish. Ordinarily she would just endure it, or she would put the book up and go to sleep, but this night was different.
She told me to turn the TV off without asking or without saying please. Despite my sour mood, I am still hard wired to respond to female authority, so I took notice, and I turned off the TV. Then she told me to go lock the bedroom door and take off my clothes. It was only then that I noticed what she was reading, it was the copy of Around Her Finger that I had given her years earlier. She was still wearing a robe, but she pulled the covers away from herself. She motioned for me to the side of the bed, and she opened the robe revealing that she wore nothing underneath. She had me kneel in front of her, and she held up the book to make sure I noticed. Pointing at the book, she asked me if this is what I really wanted. I told her that I did.
She told me she was prepared to take it very seriously, and that I needed to be ready to go wherever she wanted to take this, and that I should be careful what I wish for as the reality may not match the fantasy. She said that there were parts of this that she would have trouble getting used to, and she was sure that this would be the case for me as well. This was all music to my ears. She had me go down on her, and when she was satisfied, I validated her intentions by trying to then follow the oral sex with intercourse. She allowed me to begin, but then she held me motionless inside of her. I stared lovingly into her eyes for a long time. She told me that she loved me very much, and that she understood that taking on the role of head of household was a new way for us to express our love to each other. She then had me pull out of her… without an orgasm.
I expected that I would then cuddle up next to her in bed, so I was surprised that told me to wash and fold two loads of laundry sitting in the closet. This took me over two hours and kept me up until 1:30 in the morning. She told me that when I was finished, I was to set the alarm to wake up to get the kids ready for school (which she usually did), and to sleep on the floor beside the bed.
Over the next few weeks, I was introduced to her approach to making this work. To begin with, she wanted it to be transparent to nobody but us that we had this new arrangement. This included the kids, neighbors, relatives, etc. So while I am always respectful to her in front of others, we are both careful that the tone of our conversations never conveys the depth of my respect for her authority in our relationship.
Secondly, she was not kidding when she told me to be careful for what I was wishing. The staying up late to fold the laundry was the beginning of a trial period where she made me really prove that this was what I wanted. The next night, I rubbed her feet and massaged her calves for almost two hours while she watched women’s talk shows that were saved on the DVR. When she was ready for bed, she gave me a list of chores that took me until after 3:00 in the morning to complete. Again, however, she had me up with the kids by 6:45 the next morning.
There was some version of this testing of my dedication that went on for those next few weeks, and still occurs to this day, granted less frequently. I was typically staying up past one to do something for her. I painted, I cleaned the basement, I detailed her care. However, it wasn’t always staying up late. One night, for example, she had me go to bed two hours earlier than I would normally do so, while she stayed up and read on the couch. One weekend she had me take the kids to her parents’ house out of town, and spend the weekend there while she did a spa weekend with her girlfriends. On weekends, she would have me wake at 5:00 a.m. to work on my chores. To this day, I am still expected to be up by 7:00 on weekends and always doing something that she needs me to do. I have not slept in late for years, but believe me, I’m fine with that. My dedication to her is limitless, as is my devotion and my love.
We are now more than two years into this, so it is not a passing fad. I could not be happier. For everyone that reads your blog that has tried and failed, take my advice… try again.
What a wonderful story. Not only is the virtue of patience and persistence so obvious in your letter, but I love the depth to which she tests your devotion. A wife led marriage is not just the moments of gratification when you adore her sexually; the bulk of the devotion comes with non-sexual service. It is not comfortable, it is not convenient, and it is often a sacrifice to your personal comfort. You are a better man, leading a fuller life because of your wife. You are truly blessed.
I have been a follower of you web site and have read the letters and your responses seemly dozens of times. When I stumbled onto your site several months ago I was elated to see in print what I had only then begun to sense that I desired. I wanted to become a husband in a female led marriage. I have been married 21 years, am 51 and only now have discovered that I am the happiest when serving my wife. It was uncanny how your site described the stealth submission which described my actions to a T. At that time I had been practicing (although not calling it) stealth submission for about a month.
The light bulb went off for me when my wife finally gave in to my offer to deliver her sexual pleasure without her reciprocating on me. That fateful night was exhilarating for me. I don't believe I slept more than 2 hours that night. I lay awake as she slept, content, with her head on my shoulder. I replayed the evening over and over in my mind while never losing my state of arousal that resulted from her acceptance of my service while denying me. From that point on I knew that I had found my place in her service. Since that time I have assumed virtually every chore and task that I can identify around the house and with the children. Trying to beat her to each one, thereby making her life more stress free and hopefully more enjoyable for her. When I say all chores I mean ALL chores. I do all the cleaning, laundry (washing, drying, folding, ironing, putting away), car maintenance, household maintenance, picking up clutter around the house, etc. I especially focus on her personal services like making sure her business suites are properly ironed and put away, I clean her vanity sink every day, put her shoes away from where ever she drops them, I make the bed, offer her foot rubs almost every evening, she gets up to a hot breakfast and coffee and news paper every day. It crazy the amount I do for her.
At this point I have not revealed to her my desire to become submissive to her and serve her and for her become the leader of our household. I have recently purchased and read your book "Around Her Finger" (also set my phone ringtone for her calls to the song "Wrapped Around Her Finger" by the Police). It has been about 5 months since I have made the significant change in my behavior towards her. She has only twice allowed me to pleasure sexually without reciprocating to me since the original time. And each time she allowed me to, or accepted my offer, I thanked her profusely and told her that I very much liked her having control over me and whether or not I orgasm or not. It is funny, but I am most able to be open and be vulnerable to her in bed after sex (without orgasm) than I am in normal daily life.
With all of this change, she has not ask me any questions about why, she has not commented on my hyper level of service, and I am wondering if she will be a candidate for this type of relationship. We are very traditional in our lifestyle, religious, and conservative by all measures. She is a very strong person, opinionated, confident and can be down right bossy. She seems like the exact type of woman that would enjoy being in charge but I am not sure. I would have thought she would have taken my hint by now and said something that would have lead into a conversation about this subject but she has not. I am totally terrified to bring it up myself due to the chance she will reject me for a being weird and for wanting to be something less than a masculine man that I have tried to model all of our life together.
Have you ran across this situation before where the husband has assumed the stealth submission role and the wife morphed into the role of the leader and thereby making it easier to have the conversation that I know has to happen between she and I for us to truly make the transition to a FLM? I would appreciate your advice.
Thank you for reading and I look forward to your reply.
Alan, I can tell you with near 100% certainty that your wife will never “morp” into the authority figure that you want her to be unless you are more open in regard to what you need from the relationship. Print the email you sent to us and give it to her along with a copy of our book. This is the time to show courage.
Emily and Ken,
Thank you so much for your web page and your book. I have desired a female-led relationship with my wife of 36 years for a long, long time... years. So much so that I, on my own, began stealth submission many years ago because my wife is, and always has been, a very in-control person and she will readily admit that. You are exactly spot-on when you say that stealth submission is not at all satisfying. Indeed, after a while it is counter-productive as it becomes taken for granted, which then breeds resentment. After reading your book, now I know why! I have to tell you that that knowledge alone is helpful and has given me great hope. I know that the stories of Al and Cassie and Zach and Leigh Ann [from the book] were fiction, but still, there were a few places that hit so close to home that I nearly cried. I could not stop reading it.
This weekend we are going away...just the two of us. I intend to give her a silver dollar at dinner tomorrow night. She will be totally confused, and I will simply tell her that she will understand once she reads your book. I can't wait. I feel like a little kid getting ready to go to Disneyland for the first time. And at the same time I am nervous and completely fearful. My wife is very conservative and, just like in your book, she rejects anything she thinks sounds "kinky" (whatever that really is). We've bought relationship books together from time to time at bookstores because we both recognize that we need something in our relationship. Her libido is at zero and has been for years. There is no doubt that I am contributing to that. We even tried counseling for a few years. One or the other of us will read a few pages or even chapters of the book and then...well... it just gets set aside. Business as usual. So, for starters I just pray that somehow I can get her to read it...all the way through to the very last page.
I covet your prayers and any final suggestions.
(2nd email, following up on first follows)
First of all, thank you both so much for replying. You don't know how much it means to me.
Well, it was a most interesting weekend. I put the silver dollar in a gift box and wrapped it up. I hid it until we got to the restaurant and ordered dinner and a glass of wine. Then I brought it out. She didn't want to unwrap it there in the restaurant with other people all around. She is a very private person. So, I had to wait until we got back to our room. She opened it and says, "Huh?" I told her it meant something but she would have to read something and it would become obvious, but I told her that it was about something that I've wanted to discuss about our relationship.
So, while she went to take a shower I put your book out. I had printed it, put it in a binder and gift wrapped it. On the front of the binder I placed a letter that I had written. It pointed out the marriages of family members where the female is clearly in-charge and that they were clearly the most happy. That is essentially how I broached the subject. I said I wanted the same thing and hoped that she did as well. I then referred to the script to your introduction CD. (I hope that was OK.) When she came out I gave her the bag and said to open it while I took a shower. I wanted her to read it alone. Clearly, I knew she would not have time to read the entire book, but I was hoping she would at least read the prologue and introduction.
When I came out she said almost exactly what I had expected... that this isn't her; she can't do this. She had only read my letter and the CD script. I didn't try to push it or otherwise try to convince her. I just said I am trying to improve our relationship and simply promising each other to "do better" isn't working. This is at least something much more tangible. As she was clearly very tired, I left it at that for the night. Oh, how I wanted to dive into it.
The next day was wonderful. We spent the morning on a 3 mile trail to the beach and the afternoon with champagne and sandwiches on the beach. It was very relaxing. We really only talked about how refreshing it was to get away. I had brought the binder with us and she saw it, but she didn't bring it up, and I decided that patience is a virtue. I was really hoping that she would at least start to read it then. Nope. Everything I've read says that this is much harder for the wife to embrace than the husband. So far that's certainly true here.
However, that night when I got out of the shower, she said that she had read the prologue and the Introduction. I asked her what she thought, and she replied, "Interesting." My head and my heart were about to explode. "Interesting?!... What does that mean?!" I'm thinking to myself. She said it was the "checklist." I couldn't remember the list, so I asked if she would like to discuss it. She said OK, but not right then. At least she read that far all on her own, and she didn't totally reject it. Baby steps, right?
The next day we planned to be in a small town for a late lunch at 1:00PM. We got there around 11:00AM so we had some time to kill and decided to do some shopping. While she was shopping, I re-read the prologue and introduction especially the list of traits that Ken saw in himself. Well, what do you know, I fit all but one. At brunch I told her that I had re-read the prologue and intro while she was shopping. She just kind of said, "Oh, ok, good." Then I said that she should still read the entire book to get the whole picture. She didn't say yes, but she didn't say no either. And that's where we are.
So, I'm thinking to print the list and putting a check mark in the boxes to all those that apply to me and give it to her. Besides that, how long do I wait to lovingly nudge her to read the book?
Sorry for the long narrative. Probably much more than you wanted, but it feels good to be able to talk to someone about it.
wait at least two month. You have been married 36 years, so don’t expect it to turn on a dime. Patience, patience, patience.
Dear Emily and Ken,
First, thank you so much for your incredibly well thought out website and book. The fact you avoid having any kinky content made it so much easier for me to suggest an AHF relationship to my wife. I could be confident to let her look through the site in her own time knowing there was nothing too kinky that would have probably put her off.
We are at an early stage. She has read the book and loved it. She has already been managing my orgasms for a while, and we are about to trial the boot camp. The reason I write is that I am curious about the financial element of her control. This would not be something she'd demand, and it is not something I am 100% confident about, but I can see the benefit and like the extent of control this would give her. I just wonder about the practicalities. How would it work if I'd like to treat her? How would I be able to surprise her with something that may not be within my allowance? I currently enjoy treating her each month and think that I'd lose this if my wages went straight to her. Do you have any advice on this aspect of the relationship and examples of how this would work in practice?
As I mentioned, I am not 100% sure as I have always been good with money, and I like to manage my finances as well as treat her but the gesture of giving her full control of the money is attractive. I also don't know what she'd make of it, so any thoughts on this would also be much appreciated.
Many thanks again for your fantastic resource. Keep up the great work.
Have you asked her how she would like to handle the finances? That would be the obvious place to start. Explain your perspective to her, but let her dictate the path forward that she serves her best. She may be happy with the status quo. She may not want the added responsibility of managing all of the household money. She may prefer that you do it.
Take a deep breath. Let her lead. You follow.
Dear Ken and Emily,
Thank you for your excellent site. For a long time now, it felt very natural and thrilling to imagine giving my wife the gift of my complete and enthusiastic deference and submission. However, it is difficult to find a site devoted to this idea that does not also weave in a heavy dose of lurid images, language, hand extreme ideas that I'm sure you do not need spelled out for you.
Your site, by contrast, is for grown-ups. It is also a site I can encourage my wife to look at without freaking her out. I've been carefully introducing her to your ideas, and, as a no-nonsense gal from Missouri, it has been a slow and cautious journey.
But even gals from Missouri don't mind if their husbands are helping with the housework. Or letting them pick the movies we rent. Or staying home to spend time with her instead of playing golf for eight hours every Saturday. So while her friends are complaining at lunch that their husbands can't remember to take out the garbage, she's smiling quietly to herself trying to remember the last time she touched the washer and dryer or the dishwasher. We are having fun with this.
Okay, that's my brief history...sorry. I'm sure that's a letter you get all the time, but I just had to spill my story to somebody, as this really is not something we talk about outside of the house.
More pointededly, I did have a question that is my real reason for writing. My wife "plays along" with this dynamic, so far, just fine. But I want her to do more than play along. As you frequently say on your site, it is important that the wife acknowledge her authority. My wife is having trouble with this part of it. She is not, by nature, a selfish person or someone who would be inclined to exploit a situation for her own personal gain. But I'm trying to tell her, "Exploit me!" haha...it sounds silly, but it's true. You are absolutely correct in emphasizing how important that is. Consider these two statements from a wife:
A) Honey, I have a craving for a chocolate Frosty from Wendy's. Would you mind? Please?
B) I want a chocolate Frosty from Wendy's. I know it's late, I know it's raining, and I also know that you will do this for me, because I'm the Boss of you. Why are you still here?
Don't ask me to explain it, but option (B) thrills me to my bones. Like most men who visit your site, it is not that I want my wife to be "mean" to me...I just want her to be confident in her authority over me and to not be shy about reminding me that I am her well-trained, obedient husband. I want her to develop a curiosity about testing out just how far she can push it. Your site will help me explain that to her.
So anyway....sorry for the long letter, but I just wanted to say how helpful your site is, and I intend to use your advice and instruction to help her fully embrace this dynamic rather than keep it cautiously at arm's length.
Mel, I know it sounds like we are selling books hard this month, but in truth, the book is enormously helpful in solving your problem. This blog is helpful as well, and it costs nothing. Your letter is another option. Show her your letter, and then direct her to the site and to the blog for context.
As always, communication is the key to making this work for both of you.
Emily and Ken,
In reply to one of the letters on your website you mention a method of orgasm management, "red ball green ball"? I haven't seen it in "Around Her Finger", and I can't find it on your website. It sounds interesting. I was curious what the rules were to this game? Or where I can find the rules on your website.
Thank you guys for all you do...
The red and green ball game is simple. Fill a small bowl with small red balls or beads. Then add back a number of green balls or beads. Before intimacy, she can draw from the bowl a single bead and place it beside the bowl. If she draws a red ball, then you know to cease with intimacy following oral sex (or during intercourse, but before climax…whatever she prefers). If she draws a green ball, then you proceed with intercourse and orgasm. Obviously, the more green balls that are in the bowl, the more you will be experiencing climax.
The primary benefit to this game is that she can effectively ration your orgasms without have to actively engage in verbal communication to that effect. Many women are uncomfortable with actually saying “stop” or “no” or even pushing you away when you initiate intercourse. By drawing the bead, she is letting chance dictate the outcome, but she still remains effectively in control of the process. Also, if she should choose to be more prescriptive, she can always choose the color of ball that suits her needs.
Everything you can do to make her more comfortable with her authority over you the better. This is just an easy way to simplify her decision making and communication process.
Around Her Finger, can now be found at Amazon.com. Here is the link below:
As always, our books and CD’s can be found at: www.lulu.com/aroundherfinger/
Lulu now offers an Ipad version of the all of our books!Send questions, comments and success stories to Emily (dot) Addison (at) Gmail (dotcom)