Letters from Women
I wanted to write you to let you know about a step I recently took with my submissive husband to reinforce the idea that intimacy between the two of us is no longer a gaurantee that he will have an orgasm. I hope that this letter is not too sexually explicit for the boundaries you place on your site because I think this suggestion is worthwhile for other women.
We have been following the ideas in your book for some time. As such, our lovemaking always involves him spending a great deal of time giving me oral sex. Generally, he brings me to orgasm through oral sex alone. Then, because I really do crave intercourse at this point, we have sex. I will almost always start out thinking that I will not let him orgasm, but by the time that he does orgasm, I have usually not had enough. We have not always had this issue, but according to him, his providing me prolonged oral sex is such an incredible stimulation, that he just cannot keep going as long as he used to be able to last.
To solve this problem, I sat down at the computer with him and had him order us an assortment of adult toys. These included a variety of vibrators, one of which in particular is my favorite. Now, after he has gone down on me, I will most often have him use a toy on me instead of having sex with me. On those occasions where I decide he needs to have an orgasm, we will either have sex before or after using the toy.
There are couple of things I really like about this. One, I now always get the physical gratification that comes from vaginal penetration regardless of whether or not it is time for his orgasm or whether or not he can last as long as I would like him to last. Secondly, I feel like in using the toys, I send him a message that I can be physically satisfied without involving his penis. Don't get me wrong, there are times that I crave the emotional closeness that can only come from having him inside me, but that is different. My physical pleasure can now be separated from his, and we are both the better for it.
Have you heard similar feedback from other women?
Shelly in Illinois
I think your suggestion is a good one and helps to drive home a key point about how to make this dynamic work. You absolutely have to maintain intimacy, but you also have to disassociate it with his orgasm. The intimacy is for your mental, emotional and physical satisfaction, but for him... the physical satisfaction must be managed. Controlling his orgasms actually intensifies the mental and emotional pleasure that he gains from the intimacy and makes it a more meaningful experience for both of you. The vibrators are a great way to make sure that everyone is getting what they need. After all, your physical satisfaction should certainly not be a function of his ability to hold off on having an orgasm. Men who have their orgasms managed for extended periods are not likely to last very long once they do get to engage in intercourse. The use of adult toys is a good suggestion and definately worth sharing with the community of visitors to this site.
I am writing with what I think is an important suggestion/reminder for women practicing orgasm [management] with their husbands.
Even before we practiced loving female authority, we abstained from sex during my menstrual period. (This is not entirely true as I would occasionally give him oral sex, but obviously, those days are over.) This practice continued after we first started practicing your methods, but I found that he seemed to fall of the wagon as far as being obedient and attentive during this time of the month. However, he shared something with me recently that has fixed this problem.
The issue was that because I was not interested in sex during my period, I would simply ignore him. I assumed that this period of abstinence was enough to "manage" his orgasm. However, he has told me that at least in his case it was not. He asked if I could tease him a little during the week of my period. Now we snuggle and kiss and I stroke him (but never to climax) before we drift off to sleep at night. This, according to him, makes all the difference in the world. Based on his behavior, I would have to agree.
Maybe you have already commented on this, but I thought it was worth sharing.
Actually, I don't know that we have ever come out and made this specific recommendation as it relates to that time of the month, but it is certainly consistent with our thinking. It is a major element of our approach that the mere absence of sex and the actual management of orgasms are not the same thing. A woman absolutely must be engaged in intimate behavior with her husband in which he does not have an orgasm in order for the practice to be effective.
Good letter. Keep the suggestions coming our way.
Without any questions, my husband is more attentive, affectionate and loving when I do not allow him to climax than when I do. This seems great, but why should he only act this way when I'm manipulating his brain chemistry (your words not mine)? Why can't he be like all the time no matter what happened in the bedroom the night before?
Oh, if it could only be so. Human beings by our nature are subject to mood swings. Be grateful that you understand how to manage his. If, however, his behavior is sufficiently unsatisfactory on the days following his orgasms, then you still need to take corrective measures.
Begin by telling him how this makes you unhappy and how you are going to do something about it. First, put some more distance between his orgasm. If he currently climaxes every third time you have sex, make it every fourth. Second, tell him that he will have to earn his next orgasm by having consistent good behavior. Thirdly, make sure that following his orgasms, you continue to receive some intimate pleasures from him. Be as bold with this as you choose, but at a minimum, he should provide you a massage as a token of his gratitude. Do not simply let him drift off to sleep as he would no doubt like to do.
Let us know how this works out.
Letters from Men
Dear Emily and Ken,
One of the letters in your recent update really got me thinking, and I wanted to share a recent experience with you and ask a related question. The letter I am talking about is the one where the woman was flirting with the graduate student tutoring her class, and her husband encouraged her to continue with this behavior.
First, let me give you a little background. Although I am extremely extroverted and most people I know would never suspect it, I have been a closet submissive for as long as I can remember. For a long time I thought that I would grow out of this or be able to suppress it if just I got busy with my life. I married a beautiful (but traditional) woman, started a family, buried my head in my career, and just generally plowed ahead with my dreams. Despite all this activity, I never was able to completely supress my submissive nature. In one way or another it kept surfacing in my desires and behaviors. I developed some bad habits, and it has only been since I discovered your site that I have been able to make peace with my nature.
I finally realized that I could channel my submission into positive, relationship-building activities with my wife. I was worried that my wife's conservative nature would be the only thing stopping me. Up until the day that I handed her the book and confessional CD's along with a heart-felt card asking her to read and listen to them with an open mind, I had never imagined that she would accept my submission. However, after coming clean about my true feelings , this opened up channels of communication with her that I think we could never have had in the past. She understands so much more about me, and she has lovingly adopted the authority in our marriage as a means of making us closer. We have now been living a wife-led marriage for almost a year. During that time, she has becoming increasingly comfortable in her role as the dominant wife, and I have become increasingly comfortable in my role as the submissive husband. While she first tried to put the dynamic on autopilot, she no longer does. She constantly reinforces my need for her loving female authority with to-do lists, open and direct reminders of our roles (i.e. commands to do things, reminders of who is in charge), and [orgasm management]. She has become dominant even beyond my initial dreams, and I am certain we could never go back to the way things were before (and they were good then too!).
So that brings me to why I am writing. At the beginning of the summer, we were spending a week at the beach with another family that we have known for some time. One night, after the kids were all in bed and the parents had knocked off a couple blenders full of margaritas, something happened that had a strange effect on me. My wife was sitting next to the other husband, let's call him Jack, when Jack sort of twisted his shoulder and said that he was still hurting from a fall he had taken on a boogie board earlier in the day. My wife reached her hands up and started rubbing his shoulders. It was no big deal, and there was nothing overtly sexual about it. She just rubbed his shoulders and told him he just needed a good massage and another margarita. She gave me a certain look and told (not asked, but told) me to get up and make Jack another margarita. I did as she asked like I always do (the other couple has absolutely no idea about how our relationship has changed other than the fact that I am much more helpful than before). She probably rubbed his shoulders for ten minutes, and I don't honestly think that Jack or his wife thought that it was anything more than just the simple, friendly shoulder rub that it was.
For me, however, I remember thinking that it really excited me to watch my wife massaging this other man. I have thought about it from time to time, and then was reminded of it when I read last month's letters update. You said that many submissive men are excited when their wives flirt with or are flirted with by other men. I am not suggesting that she was flirting, but in a sense I guess that it had the same effect and I felt that same sense of excitement. I didn't understand it at the time, and still do not really understand it, but I wanted to write to let you know about it and to see if you thought that this reaction was something that I should share with my wife. She also reads your letters section, so if you publish a response, I think she'll know that this letter came from me. I will leave it up to you as to how you want to handle the reply.
The letter to which you refer generated quite a bit of email. By virtue of the fact that I am publishing your letter you can see that I feel there is no harm in bringing your feelings to your wife's atention. In fact, I believe that husbands are obligated to share their feelings with their wives. Wives are better equipped to deal with emotional issues such as these, and they can help their husbands grapple with feelings that they may not understand.
The shoulder rubbing incident was perfectly harmless. However, the fact that she was rubbing his shoulders as she reinforced your submission with the special loook and the command to bring the drink had a heightened effect on your submissive nature. This is because the act of her rubbing another man's shoulders is symbolic to you, at some level, of her sexual power. She can touch (i.e. flirt with) another man, and you will still obey and submit to her. She is completely free to do as she likes, even as it relates to other men, but you on the other hand are free to do only what she will allow you to do.
In light of the circumstances, please consider that the fact that she gave you that look and the command suggests that she was putting your needs to sense her authority at the forefront, not your friend's need for a simple shoulder rub. She may have consciously or unconsciously understood the emotional impact that this had on you, and was exploiting it for your benefit. Since she is now likely to read this letter, she may even seek similiar opportunities in the future. I am ok with this in principle, as long as she keeps you and your relationship and your sense of submission as her primary motivator.
Now that I have addressed your specific circumstances, let me also state a few key beliefs that I have that may help provide yourself and others with some clarity regarding my perspective on this broader topic. I believe that absolute trust in any marriage, including wife-led marriages, is paramount to its long-term health and success. I do not suggest that wives make a habit of flirting with other men and damn the consequences. In loving female authority, a husband has many obligations to his wife; this is obvious. A wife, however, also has many obligations to her husband. For example, I have written in the past how a wife must continually make overt gestures of her authority that appeal to her husband's submission. I would also add to this that she must always make her husband the centerpiece and focus of her intimacy. As I stated, I believe you were in fact the center of intimacy in the aforementioned shoulder rubbing incident. If your wife chooses to engage in similar activities in the future, no matter what they be, she should only do so in so much as it it for your mutual benefit.
Just because a woman has the freedom to do whatever she chooses does not mean that she should make choices that ignore her husband's best interests. She should love and respect him enough to always maintain that primary goal of building upon the intimate bond between husband and wife.
Feel free to publish the attached before and after photos. At the risk of sounding like a weight loss commercial, I have some very good news to report. Not only did I manage to lose 70 pounds in six months, I also managed to successfully introduce my wife to loving female authority.
When my wife and I married seven years ago, we were a trim, fit, and very healthy couple. However, as a result of a busy work schedule and horrible eating habits, I managed to put on about eighty pounds since we got married. I used my weight as an excuse to introduce loving female authority to my wife, and I asked her to please help me where I had been unable to help myself.
She put me on a strict diet and exercize program that worked wonders. The results, both from a physical and a relationship standpoint, have been pretty dramatic. Jenny Craig better watch her back!
Terry in Orlando
Terry, while I am reluctant to publish any photos that we receive, I am certainly happy to publish your letter. It is amazing what men can accomplish when we submit to the women in our lives.
Dear Emily and Ken,
First of all I want to tell you both that I really enjoy your web site. I think you are doing a great job with it. I was wondering if I may ask you for some advice. I am trying to get my wife to take charge and lead our home, specifically our sex life. I am more than willing to let her manage my orgasms. I am sure this would add spark to our lives, but so far she is resisting to take the control. Do either or both of you have any suggestions that would help me?
I would greatly appreciate any advice either or both of you would give.
Doug, you tell us that your wife is resisting, but you tell us very little about how you approached her. Bear in mind that of all the foot-in-the-door opportunities for yielding control to our wives, her willingness to manage your orgasms is hardly the easiest point of entry.
Go back to your wife and acknowledge that your request seems a little strange. Make sure that she understands that you take incredible pleasure from being intimate with her, but you are tired of the "post orgasm" blues that come from male sexual release. Explain that withholding the orgasm is a way of continuing the sense of an intimtae connection with her. Tell her that you love intimacy with her no matter how she chooses to respond, but that you would just like her to be open to the idea of having her decide to stop you once in a while. It will then be up to you to demonstrate how much more affectionate, helpful and communicative you are in the hours and days that follow her decisions to hold back on your orgasms. Ease her into orgasm management and your chances of success will be much higher.
Next, go back and re-read the site. Re-read this letters section. Consider buying our book. You need a slower, more considered approach to the broader issue of loving female authority. There are no magic, overnight solutions for most men. It is a long, patient, but ultimately very worthwhile journey that you are taking.