Thursday, October 01, 2009

July/August/September Update

Welcome to the updates!

Yes, I know that we are getting less and less reliable with our updates. I wish I could promise that it will get better soon, but I can only tell you that we aspire to more more regular updates, and we hope to return to a more predictable routine soon. Like many others, the economy has us dealing with new priorities and challenges. That doesn't mean our work is here is less important, it just means that it may have to sit on the backburner for a while.


We are excited to note that the first book, Around Her Finger, can now be found at Here is the link below:

Around Her Finger at Amazon

As always, our books and CD’s can be found at:

Send questions, comments and success stories to Emily (dot) Addison (at) Gmail (dotcom)

Letters from Women

Dear Emily,

My husband bought me your book for my birthday last year. He's really interested in a female-led relationship. I tried to be OK with it, (I even bought him a special book at Christmas for me to write in his "to do lists"). However, I felt really uncomfortable.

I was worried that I had become or was in danger of becoming lazy or selfish. He always said that would never happen as he knows I'm not selfish. I just felt awful that he was doing loads of chores when he was the one who'd been working. (I have very few hours of various creative jobs so am at home more than he.) I also felt worried that his motivation for doing things was sexual. I started to worry that his doing things for me was more to do with his sexual buzz than about just wanting to do them.

I spoke to him about my concerns and he said he understands. He said he loves doing things for me and being my knight in shining armour-but I just felt stuck in a game that didn't make me feel good. I wanted him to remember or think of doing things-whether something nice such as getting a little gift or changing the bed, whereas he said he wanted me to tell him to do them. I spoke to him a little while ago and he said that if he was in the "around-her-finger-mode" he would get better at doing things without me telling him. I found it uncomfortable when I'd asked him to do something and he had told me that he likes doing things for me.

Not that it was a bad thing to hear, but I found it awkward that he drew attention to everything that I'd asked him to do. I don't know why I found it uncomfortable-I guess I just wanted to feel "normal" not as though I was continuously in a game I wasn't sure I wanted to play. As you probably gathered, we stopped-probably within a few months. However, he wants to try again and said that we don't have to be so specific with a list, which I found hard. He's been so understanding and said he's happy whether or not we do adopt the "around-her-finger" relationship, but I know that is what he really wants. I guess I don't want to feel that horrible unease in the back of my mind that I'm turning into someone I don't want to be, nor do I want to have to disappoint him by never being OK with it when he really wants it to work for us.

Has anyone else written with concerns like mine? I would really appreciate your thoughts.

Many thanks,

Nette from London

Emily responds...

Nette, what a wonderful letter, and it is not the first we have received expressing your concern. Your concern, by the way, is very valid... you should not have to find yourself living a life that centers around his fantasy. He is the one that wants to submit to your desires, not the other way around. The challenge is finding a way to give him a way to sense your loving female authority in the relationship without making an uncomfortable charade out of your life together. The good news is that I am comfortable that you can find this middle ground.

For starters, feel free to tell him that the constant to do lists and expectations of him doing everything are officialy gone. If you want something, you will ask him to do it. If he feels generally motivated to do something nice for you, he may feel free so long as he does not overdue it to the point of making you uncomfortable. In turn, you should pick occasional but very impactful moments to demonstrate LFA. Perhaps once every couple of weeks you can tell him rather than ask him to do something and employ a particularly stern tone when doing so. Maybe once a month you can have a girls night out where you do not not tell him your plans until you are on your way out the door. Expressions of your freedom to what you want to do, when you want to do it are as powerful a demonstration of your authority as commands. Above all else, practice orgasm management with some cadence that lets you continue to feel normal but gives him at least an occasional dose of the "brain candy" that this practice deliver for submissive men. His spending time pleasuring you with no subsequent release is extremely powerful.

I truly hope this helps.

Letters from Men

Dear Ken,

I have finally solved the dilemma that my wife and I have regarding orgasm management. On the surface, there seems to be a paradox. The man both wants (desperately) to have an orgasm, but also wants (desperately) to be denied. One impulse is physical... even evolutionary. The other is mental.

While I suppose we can all understand this dichotomy, the more practical question is how the wife of a submissive husband is expected to resolve this in the context of a reward/discipline framework in the relationship? If the husband is particularly attentive, does he get to have an orgasm? If the husband behaves childishly and impulsively, does he get denied? On some level, both climax and denial are a reward.

In our house, we have now adopted the idea that my reward is oral intimacy with my wife. For me, nothing (and I really mean nothing) brings me more contentment and gratification than going down on my wife. My punishment is not the denial of orgasm, but rather the denial of providing her oral sex. To add to this, the decision of whether or not I climax or not is now completely disconnected from how I have behaved during the week. Following oral sex, my wife will typically have me penetrate her. However, whether or not I am allowed to proceed to climax is typically predetermined by her by flipping a coin earlier in the evening. I suppose that she may or may not choose to intervene with her own judgement as she does not share the outcome of the coin toss with me until after penetrative sex has begun, but she at least allows the appearance of an arbitrary event to disconnect her from the decision.

This has been very effective in our relationship. Thank you for everything you both do,

Chad in Denver

Ken responds...

If you have read our books, we discuss the power of the arbitrary event in managing orgasms in some detail. I agree that it is highly effective. Congratulations on the continued success of your relationship.


Emily and Ken,

I hope you are both well.

Our FLR marriage is progressing well. She has made it clear that there is no going back and this is how she wants our marriage. There are always fluctuations in intensity from both of us, but I am finally learning some patience.

So thanks to you both. Your work helped her dip her toe in the FLR waters and decide if it was to her liking - it was.

Take care,


Ken responds...

Every success story makes us happy . Thanks for sharing.


Our books and CD’s can be found at

And now at Amazon:

Around Her Finger at Amazon