September 2005

Letters from Women

I divorced about a year ago after being married for almost thirty years and unhappy for at least the last five. I have been dating a man for several months and I am growing very fond of him. I am writing to you because he suggested I take a look at this site and let me know what I thought about it. I did exactly that telling him that I liked the idea of a man being so devoted to a woman really appealed to me. However, I also doubted that this sort of intense devotion was sustainable as he got older. He and I are both in our fifties.

What do you think about starting this late in life and how realistic is it to expect it can continue into our seventies and beyond.

Bev in New York

Emily Responds…

Bev,

I confess that I do not personally know couples that are in their seventies and eighties practicing a female-led household. I am sure that this is because these couples were raised in a different era where there was not openness to new ideas in relationships the way that there is today.

However, I will definitely say that the gentleman you are dating is entering into a time in his life when many men finally acknowledge their submission. A man in his fifties has a lifetime of experience to know first-hand the superior leadership skills of women. He is also becoming more comfortable with who he is and less concerned with fitting a stereotypical mold than he is just being happy. A self-confident, experienced man is always more likely to submit than a younger man still trying to figure out who he is. If this man wants to submit to you and you are ready to accept his submission, by all means do so. In my opinion, it is likely that this will only strengthen your relationship over time and make the future a paradise for both of you.

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I have noticed that your site is incredibly conservative and really focuses on the emotional closeness that a female-led household can bring to both couples. I wonder what your thoughts are on incorporating some of the activities that are more often associated with the stereotypical view of men submitting to women. Do you approve of activities such as these between a woman and her husband?

Unsigned in Florida

Emily responds…

You listed a number of activities in your email that I edited before posting on this site. These are certain activities that are symbolic of the husbands feeling of complete submission to his wife. While we don’t spend a lot of time discussing these activities on this site, they are powerful tools for building the loving bond between a wife and her husband in a female led household.

Keep in mind that this site is reserved as a safe harbor to introduce these concepts to individuals who have never been exposed to the idea of loving female authority. Therefore, I generally avoid these topics altogether. That said, there is nothing wrong with these activities and they can be a healthy part of any relationship between consenting adults. Likewise, they can be avoided by any woman that decides that they are not for her or are only reserved for very special occasions. It is, as always, her prerogative.

In order to address these topics more thoroughly, I will do my best to respond to individual questions, but only to women, and only those that will put their request into some context by sharing a letter of their own exposure and experience with a wife led household. Email me here and put “Request for Information” in the Subject line. I will respond to all the female requests as quickly as possible, but we are so deluged by emails as it stands now, that I will warn you that I will not be able to answer men that ask me to make an exception to my rule.


Letters from Men


I have just discovered your site within the last couple of weeks, and I have now read every word of it at least twice. I feel like this site not only perfectly reflects how I have felt for a very long time, but it adds to my own understanding of who I am and how I relate to my wife. As much as for therapy as for anything else, I want to tell you about my own lifelong struggle to come to terms with my own submissive feelings.

I don’t know how I ever came to have submissive fantasies. My own mother certainly was not overbearing, I have no recollection of a strong female authority figure from my early life, and all in all I had what would be considered a very normal and healthy childhood. However, I know for a fact that the concept of a man submitting to a woman has excited me for a very long time. I have very specific memories of being fascinated by this idea even prior to puberty. When puberty hit, the idea entangled itself with my sexuality and this combination has affected my relationships, consciously or unconsciously, ever since.

I have spent years denying and fighting my submissive feelings. It seemed to me as if no good could come from them. Describing it now, it seems harmless enough. It mostly just takes the form of fantasies that play in my mind. Living with it, however, it seems more like an addiction. There is an uncomfortable quality of not being able to stop thinking about it. Because it is so prevalent in my mind, I have incredible guilt that I keep the secret from my wife. It is such a strong part of who I am, and she is completely clueless. Nothing about my interactions with her could ever have been considered submissive. If anything, I have been a trying and difficult husband.

After finding your site, I am amazed mostly at how I have been missing the obvious. My wife, whom I love deeply, is the perfect outlet for my submissive desires. What an incredibly powerful way to express my love for her, by devoting myself completely to her happiness.

While she will probably never understand the depth of my submissive feelings, I have now resolved that I am going to begin a period of serving her (what you call stealth submission) and eventually get up the nerve to tell her about this site.

Unsigned in Georgia

Ken responds…

I predict now that you will enjoy the beginning of your stealth submission immensely, but you will ultimately crave her conscious knowledge she is in charge. I see you becoming the loving, devoted, submissive husband that you were always meant to be.

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Do you feel that the principles you talk about on your website would work if the gender roles were reversed? In other words, do you think that a man could be exercise loving authority over his wife?

Bill in New Mexico

Ken responds…

Bill,

My answer is a qualified, no. I won’t say that anything is impossible, and I am certain that there are many happy couples where the husband plays the part of the old-fashioned head of the household. However, I think there are a couple of good reasons why this is not right for most people.

One, women tend to be better decision-makers than men. They tend to more patient, less impulsive, and more empathetic in the way they dole out responsibilities. I think that they have many natural leadership qualities which make them the right choice to run the household.

Two, I think that for most men, submitting to the authority of their wives unleashes such a genuine and intense sense of well-being that will never be realized in a traditional relationship. Whether this is a natural, genetic trait of men I have no idea. I just know that it is an extremely common trait, even among those that never expected to experience it.

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Just a quick note to tell you that I have never been happier in my marriage. I agonized for years thinking not being able to share my feelings with my wife and thinking that I was the only one in the entire universe that had these feelings.

I discovered your site about six months ago. Even having read every word on the site, I remained reluctant to come forward. Then one day, about three months ago, we were both watching a television show where the female character was dressed in leather. My wife noticed how my attention perked up when the character appeared. She joking asked me if I went for the dominant type.

Little did she know what she was unleashing. I told her that in fact my greatest fantasy would be submitting to her. She agreed that she would give it a try, but she still didn’t quite get what I was after. I still think she only wanted to role play with a leather outfit in the bedroom. If I did not have your site which I could immediately send her to, I would not have know how to truly express my feelings to her.

To make a long story short, I now do all the laundry, all the shopping and all the cooking. She still has plenty to do just to keep our head above water, but she really appreciates the new twist in our marriage. She is growing in comfort level to tell me what she expects, and I am growing in my comfort level for letting her lead me. It is absolutely the greatest time of my life.

Clark in California

Ken responds….

Most women are so confused about this topic. We are glad that our site can offer some honest advice about the realities of a female led household and we are glad we were there when you needed us.

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I have seen the move to mainstream wife-led households referred to as the Around Her Finger Movement on blogs and in forums. Do you feel like you are driving some sort of societal change and that it is important to grow the number of wife-led households.

Unsigned

Ken Responds...

This is the first that I am hearing of this, but I don't doubt that it exists. I think that many people who believe in a principle or idea feel the obligation to share that idea and advocate its practice wtih others. Emily and I discussed this, and I think that we both agree that our objective is first and foremost to provide a resource to those that already know that this is the type of relationship that they desire. To the extent that we believe there are many, many men that secretly dream of submitting to their wives and believe they are the only ones in the world with these thoughts, then yes, we would like to reach those men. In doing so we will clearly be driving growth in female-led households. However, we do not see ourselves as champions of a matriarchal society in the sense that the term movement implies. We know that loving female authority works for us, we suspect it could work for many if not most marriages, but we do not see ourselves as champions of any sort of grand cause. We are just one couple that wants to offer our experience to others that seek the same sort of success that we enjoy.

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I got married ten months ago to a beautiful woman that I had been dating for about three years prior to our wedding. We had a great relationship from the start. The energy level of the relationship started out supercharged, like many do, as we were just sort of discovering each other. Then we went from the discovery phase to the wedding planning so the energy never really had a chance to diminish. It was only after being married a couple of months that we started to experience the withdrawals of all that energy. It’s not that we had any particular problem. It’s just that it dawned on both of us that the honeymoon was very literally over and now we had to get on with the reality of getting along together in a shared household.

About this time, unknown to me, someone made my wife aware of your site. She still won’t tell me who it was, but I have my suspicions. In any event, she started changing her behavior around the house. She was a little more playful sexually, but ultimately she was turning into an incredible tease. She was keeping me on edge constantly, and although I never would have predicted it, I loved it. She had me waiting on her hand and foot, doting on her constantly, and sexually it became all about her.

One night as I was kneeling in front of her rubbing lotion into her feet, she asked me if I had noticed any changes in our relationship. I had to confess that I had. She had become much more assertive and demanding of me, and I had never been happier in my life. She told me that she had very consciously made these changes, and she too was happier. She asked me to go to the computer and read through your site. When I was done I was to come back and discuss my reaction with her. I can tell you that my reaction was somewhere between confusion and euphoria. Even after reading your site, I didn’t understand why a female led household had such an appeal to me, but it felt so absolutely natural, that from that moment on I couldn’t imagine any other arrangement.

She made it clear to me that night that she had never loved me more. She would be in control in our marriage, I would be expected to obey her, but we would go on loving each other with just as much intensity as ever. Now, about nine months later, nothing has changed. We are the happiest couple in the universe. I owe it all to your site and whoever it was that first made her aware of it.

Carl

Ken responds…

Carl, it sounds like you are off to a great start. Your letter is one of a handful that we have received from newlyweds. We have published some of these letters in Emily’s new book designed especially for new brides called The New Bride’s Guide to Training Her Husband. It is sort of a tongue and cheek title that repackages much of what has already been said in my first book along with some fresh content geared at women entering into new marriage.