May 2006

Letters from Women

Dear Emily,

I cannot believe that I am writing you.

Although my husband has never mentioned your website, it is very clear to me that he is familiar with it. In fits and starts, he has told me that he is submissive, and I have come to accept and even embrace his submission. Because it might be helpful to others, I want to share our story as it has evolved so far. I also want to ask you a question, but I will save that until after I have level set as to where we are today in our relationship.

We have been married for thirteen years. With the exception of the time that my husband bought me a pair of fur-covered handcuffs for Valentines day the first year that we were married, I had absolutely no idea that he was submissive. In fairness, I am not sure that he knew that he was submissive. He admits that he has known that female domination related imagery and fantasies have always excited him, but he never even considered that a marriage arrangement like we now share could be possible not to mention desirable. He claims that it was a eureka moment that brought the idea to him, but I seriously doubt it. I doubt that he woke up one morning and just decided he would be happier if he could be submissive to me. I think it much more likely that he discovered your site and is afraid to admit this to me because it might suggest that he was looking for pornography and found your site by accident. In any case, I'll allow him his little white lie as where we are is more important than how we got here.

It was about two years ago that the changes began. All of a sudden, he was telling me that he would be happier if he could channel his energies into making me happy. He began with all the things that I have read about over and over on your letters pages. For him this included foot rubs, extra chores (more at some times than at others), sexual attentiveness, the purchase and very frequent use of a massage table, etc. We sort of talked about it, but he was reserved in his explanations and I was honestly not sure that I even wanted to understand what was happening. It seemed like he just went from being a selfish man, to a perfect husband. I was so happy with the change that I didn't really want anything to interfere with it.

Things did not continue without the fits and starts that I described at the opening of the letter. He would stop giving me the foot rubs and massages for weeks at at a time without any explanation. It was as if nothing had happened, and things had just gone back to normal. Because I did not really understand what was going on, and because neither one of us was really comfortable in talking about it, these fits and starts plagued our relationship and were a constant source of stress and confusion.

As many women who aren't communicating well with their husbands are likely to do, I went to some of my girlfriends to get their advice. One of them suspected that my husband was submissive and we together sat down in front of the computer to see if we could find any information on the internet. Let me tell you, it took a lot of sifting through some pretty wild content before we stumbled on your site. However, as we looked through everything on Around Her Finger, we both became convinced that this was the source of my husband's inspiration.

As a result of your site, and I supposed some trial and error on my own,I made some very real changes that have taken the highs and lows out of our relationship, or at the very least have made for many more highs than was the case before. One of the most important changes is that I have forced more of an open dialogue with my husband. As I have already indicated, he is still somewhat reserved and finds it difficult to talk about the topic, but we have made great strides. Just as you had suggested, the moment that we formalized our roles in the marriage was a major turning point for both of us. I asked him if he wanted to submit to me and if he understood what this would mean. He said that yes, he did want to submit, and yes he understood the implications. However, I was not sure that he really did. I explained that the days of turning on and off his submission based on his mood would have to be over.

He agreed, but let me explain what this has meant in practical terms. Let me start by describing what it does not mean. It does not mean that I receive foot rubs and full body massages every night. It does not mean that he does all the household chores. It does not mean that I always control the remote and never watch what he wants to watch. With all due respect, I sometimes read the letters on this page and find it very hard to believe that there are men and women living the lives that they describe. These perfect wife-led marriages seem no more likely to exist than does that perfect Ward and June Cleaver marriage portrayed in Leave it to Beaver.

What it does mean is that I receive foot rubs on most nights, and always when I request them. It does mean that I receive full body massages at least a couple of nights a week. It does mean that while my husband may not do all the chores (he works and I stay home with the kids), he does do more than any other husband I know and everything I tell him to do. Also, while I allow him to watch certain shows because I know he enjoys them, I also require him to stay in the room with me while I watch shows that he may not enjoy. It also means that he dotes on me in public and always strives to make me the envy of other wives due to his attentiveness and good manners.

His end of the bargain is the sort of reasonable submission that I describe. However, thanks to your site, I also understand that there are things that he wants or needs from me in order to maintain his submission. He needs me to frequently remind him of the arrangement that we have. I do this throughout the week and sometimes in ways that are more subtle than others. When just he and I are together, I always try to tell him to do things rather than ask him. I will often whisper things that I expect him to do into his ear and follow my commands with kisses on his neck. Anything I can do during the day that is intended to keep him on edge sexually is welcome by him.

As you know, the most important thing I do is to manage the way that he receives permission to orgasm. We have devised something that others might find helpful. I have two little jars, one of which is red and the other of which is green, on the night stand next to my bed. I purchased them both at a flea market. In the jars are three little polished stones. Whenever my husband does something sweet for me, I will reward him by moving one of the stones from the red jar and placing it into the green jar. Whenever he does something to displease me, the stones go in the opposite direction. When the three stones are all in the green jar, this becomes our unspoken signal that he is allowed to have sexual intercourse with me that brings him to orgasm. My orgasms always come first, this goes without saying, but the stones allow us a constant reminder that I am in charge of his sexual release.

So, having described where I am in my relationship, this brings me back to the question for you that I mentioned earlier. Because I had discussed my situation concerning the change in my husband's behavior with my girlfriends, several of them are now aware of his submission and to a certain extent the details of our new relationship. If I had it to do over again, I probably would not have handled it this way, but there is nothing I can do about it now. He is unaware of their knowledge, but perhaps I should discuss this with him. More to my question, however, is that they all want to figure out a way get the same dynamic working in their relationships.

One of my friends needs more help than the others. She is an incredibly attractive woman with a great deal going for her. Her husband is (to be polite) less cute than she is. He is also incredibly selfish and domineering with her. He works long hours, insists she does all sorts of housework beyond even normal standards (she changes sheets every day), and he spends little time helping out with their children, even on weekends. She has seen how happy I am now that I am practicing a wife-led marriage. How can I help her to achieve the same? Can a woman bring out the submissive side in her husband even if he doesn't know it exists? Does it even exist, in your opinion, in all men?

Your advice would be very welcome.

Unsigned

Emily responds...

Your letter is wonderful. You hit on so many of the pitfalls of new couples struggling to make loving female authority work in their marriages, and you provide such example-driven advice on how others can also be successful. I particularly like your red-jar/green-jar idea.

Your question concerning your friend is a good one. Very often, the wives of submissive husbands want to share the joy of loving female authority with others but are trapped by the obvious concerns for privacy that accompany the dynamic. In many ways, that is what makes the work that I do on this site so rewarding. In your case, however, the cat has more or less been let out of the bag, and now you need to know what you can do to help another woman in need.

Let us start with a couple of basic ideas. First, if your friend has not already done so, have her read our site in great detail. Make certain that she understands the core principles associated with the site and make yourself available to answer any questions she may have. Secondly, I am going to send you an electronic copy of our book. If you send me your mailing address, I will mail you a physical copy. The book, even more than the site, provides perspective for the woman that is struggling with a husband for whome his work routine and bad habits have led to a less than ideal marriage.

One thing you did not tell me was whether or not your husband and her husband are very close. Assuming that they are, your husband should be enlisted to share some high-level thoughts on how much happier he has become since he has put you on a pedestal and made your pleasure the focus of his energies. Your friend should then wait for the appropriate moment to share the book with her husband. It is doubtful, unless he is one of the many men that are fully conscious of their desire to submit to women, to read the book if it is just handed to him. However, she should give him the book and tell him that she has read it, and that she wants to explore some of the ideas in the book. This will allow him an opportunity to go back and read about the ideas behind what she will then be putting into practice on him. Most importantly, she should seize upon her sexuality as the tool to gain authority in her home. He needs to be told what is coming, and then experience, her taking control of him through the management of his orgasms. He is likely to resist, but if she can convince him to agree to a trial period, he will learn first-hand what loving female authority has to offer him.

Can every man be controlled this way? I really cannot say, but I doubt it. Most of the men that flock to our site are just like your husband. They want to submit to their wives and need the courage and the right words to convince their wives that this is what they want. However, I think that if your friend reads the site and the book, she can develop an understanding of principles that will allow a long-term transformation in her marriage.

-----

(Note: The following is the first part of a two part letter. I received the first part of the letter early in the month. The second part of the letter is an explanation of what happened after my advice was followed.)

Dear Emily,

My husband's 40th birthday is coming up, and I have been asking him what he wanted for his birthday. He didn't really have an answer until last week. He left for work in the morning, and he left me a note saying that if I really wanted to know what he wanted, take a look at the website he left open on the computer. To say I was shocked at what I found on your website is the understatement of the year. Nothing that he has ever done has ever given me a clue that he wanted this sort of relationship. If anything, I thought he wanted the opposite. I called him at work and told him that he must be joking, and he said no, this was what he wanted. His birthday is next week. What should I do? I am open to trying this, but nervous that it is going to turn out to be sort of weird. Please don't just tell me to talk to him about it. It's not that simple. I'm not really comfortable talking about this. I don't even know what to say.

Unsigned

Emily responds...

I am so glad you wrote. Please know that it took a world of courage for your husband to make you aware of his feelings. His desire to submit to you is first and foremost a way of expressing love and adoration for you given the difficulties that he probably has in opening up and verbalizing his feelings. Given that you confess to having some communication and comfort issues of your own, here is what I suggest. Please consider it only a loose plan and modify it as you see fit given your relationship.

1. First, write your husband a letter or an email explaining your intentions. Many people have an easier time writing about topics that make them uncomfortable as opposed to verbalizing them. Tell him that beginning on his birthday, you are willing to give a wife-led relationship a chance, but that first he has some homework to complete (see step 2).
2. You first want him to write you a letter. In that letter, you want him to open up about his submissive feelings. How long has he known that he is submissive? How long has he thought about revealing this side of himself to you? What fears and concerns did he have in sharing this information with you? How does he see your relationship changing as a result of this dynamic? What will he do to serve you? What does he hope for from you in return?
3. After you receive the letter, explain to him that you will give the relationship a two week trial period, after which you can re-evaluate that this is what you both want. That trial period will begin on the evening of his birthday, and during that trial period you expect him to be completely obedient to your wishes for the following fourteen days. If you have anything specific that you want him to do for you during this trial period, write these things down for him. For example, you may expect nightly massages, foot rubs, etc. You may want to provide a list of the chores for which you expect him to be responsible.
4. During the first five to seven days of the trial period, make certain that he is intimate with you every night. This may mean that he is providing you oral sex, or it may just mean that you two are necking on the couch. The point is that he should be aroused as a result of this intimacy. After five to seven days, allow him his first orgasm. Then repeat the process of denying him an orgasm so that his submission to you is once again exagerated by the end of the two week period.
5. As you approach the last night of the trial period, have him write you another letter telling you his thoughts and feelings over the last two weeks.
6. On the last night, have him kneel naked in front of you and read the letter to you.

At this point you will make a decision regarding whether or not you want to continue with a wife-led relationship. I suspect that you will both have enjoyed it tremendously and that neither of you could imagine abandoning it. Importantly, if you decide to continue, make it very clear to him that you expect your authority to be respected, and that you expect his continued obedience.

(Part 2: I received this letter two days ago, a little over three weeks after receiving the first.)

Emily...

Wow! I cannot thank you enough. I was the one that wrote you a letter telling you that my husband wanted me to look at your site when I asked him what he wanted for his birthday. I followed your plan almost to the letter, and my husband has become the most doting, affectionate man in the world. I am happier. He is happier. This is awesome! Even if it does not last, I cannot imagine ever going back to the way we were. We talk more, we are more able to open up to each other. Our sex is so much more romantic (and satisfying for me) than it was before. I just cannot say enough to thank you.

My husband says that he has felt submissive since the earliest days of our marriage. I wish I had given him this present for this 30th birthday!

Unsigned

Emily responds...

I love your story. Consider that the two of you may not have been ready for loving female authority ten years ago. There is an incredibly mature, sophisticated attachment that builds between two people that allows this to work as well as it does for you two. I am publishing your letters on our site as encouragement to every cautious man that reads our site.

You all know what to ask for on your birthdays!

Letters From Men

Dear Ken,

I was wondering whether you would do me the honor of giving me your expert advice. The problem is that the one morning my wife wakes up in a dominant mood and then the next day she wakes up and she is exactly the opposite. She then asks my permission for even the most trivial things.

I guess it also does not help that I am short tempered and every now and then loose my temper and forget my place with her. It makes me quite annoyed that she takes that. The more I tell her she should not tolerate it the more she does.

Signed Peter

Ken responds...

As to your first point, I think many women are not comfortable in playing the dominant role all the time. You should welcome the fact that she is willing to take charge at all and discuss with her that it is at these times that you feel most at home in the relationship. This is ultimately about serving her, so if she wants to exert more control at some times than at others, this is her perogative and you must learn to accept it. Just be certain that the channels of communication are open so that you both understand what is and what is not working in the relationship.

As to your losing your temper and wishing that she would not tolerate these instances, I can only tell you that I have very little sympathy for you. While none of us are perfect, or even perfectly submissive, lapses in your obedience and service to her are your problem not hers. The wife-led marriages that we advocate are about truly surrendering to her, not manipulating her into actions and reactions that fit your fantasy scenarios.

You are on the right track, just be patient and, most importantly, be focussed on making this work for her.

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Dear Ken,

I am so sure that my wife is not going to go for this. She is active in our church, active in the PTO, extremely conservative, and generally pretty quick to judge.

Am I just being paranoid? What's the worst that can happen?

Unsigned

Ken responds...

We do not take the position that every woman will embrace loving female authority. Some women will just not feel comfortable assuming the alpha role in the relationship. However, I can tell you that we have received countless letters from men and women that felt as certain as you do that LFA would never work in their relationships only to discover that it did.

What's the worst thing that can happen? If your wife loves you, she may reject the notion of a wife-led marriage, but she is unlikely to reject you.

You need to make your own decision as to what the upside and downside of discussing your feelings with your wife might be. Just make the decision on the basis of sound reason and judgement, not on the basis of fear.

April 2006

Letters from Women

Dear Emily,

About six months ago, my husband began dropping hints that he would be interested in my taking a more active leadership role in our marriage. Looking back, it is obvious that he was taking cues from your site. It started with foot rubs, back rubs, a great deal more responsibility for work around the house, and lovemaking that was definately more concerned with my satisfaction than his. Because all of these behaviors happened so suddenly, I knew something was up. I tried to talk to him about it, but he is not a man used to communicating on an emotional level, so I never was able to figure out what was happening. Then came the chaos of the holiday season, and things seemed to go back to normal again without any explanation.

Then, early in February, I was going running. I could not find my MP3 player and grabbed my husband's instead. I was fliping through his song list when I discovered something unfamiliar. It turned out to be your confessional CD. I listened to the entire recording. I later learned that he had only recently purchased it and loaded it into his MP3 players so he could preview it before giving it to me for Valentines day. I said nothing about it to him, but I did spend the next several days surfing your website and learning all that I could about this side of him that I never knew existed and only scarcely understood.

I had no intention of saying anything to him about what I had discovered. I was going to let him make the next move. At the time, I did not know what his plans for the CD were. When he gave me the CD in a card on Valentine's day, I pretended that I had no idea what it was. It was unmarked, and he offered no explanation other than to say that it was something he had been thinking about for a long time. He told me to listen to it sometime when I was alone and could be uninterupted. I asked him to load it onto my MP3 player, and I pretended that I would be hearing it for the first time when I went running the following day.

When he came home from work the following evening, I gave him a card of my own. In it I wrote some instructions. I told him I would be going out of the house but would return by 7:00. I wanted him to have a bath ready for me when I got home. I told him to light candles and have soft music playing. I told him that when I was finished with my bath, I would call for him. When he came to me, I expected him to be bring me a towel and a glass of white wine. I also expected him to be naked.

All went as planned. I returned home and the bath was waiting for me. After a very relaxing soak, I called for my husband. He entered the bathroom unclothed and knelt beside the bath. He helped me out and raised him arms to wrap the towel around me. I draped the towel over my shoulders and placed my hands on my husband's head. I brought him close to my mid-section, still holding him against me. Just as you suggested, I told him that I understood him, I welcomed the changes he wanted to make, but I would take them very seriously. He would be expected to obey me, and this was not a part-time proposition.

In the short time since we have been practicing your methods, our lives have been wonderful. We have never been happier, and honestly, we were already pretty happy. What impresses me the most about the concepts expressed and very much emphasized on your CD is the notion that his desire to submit to me is a function of his inability to express his love to me in any other way. Submission as a pure and uninhibited expression of love and devotion is an incredibly romantic concept. So while I have to admit that I first thought the whole idea was a little strange, the CD helped me get over this initial reaction and really warm to the idea of loving female authority.

I guess I don't really have a question, but I thank you for your site. Please feel free to use me as a reference if a confused wife should need a shoulder to lean on.

Suzanne in North Carolina

Emily responds...

We will take all the success stories we can get. Congratulations and please keep in touch to let us know how things progress.

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Dear Emily,

Can you confirm something for me? I have been getting emails that appear to be random spam emails advertising your site. I am suspicious that they are not spam, but are rather put together specifically for me by my husband. I am suspicious for two reasons. First, they are from an email address which ends in @yahoo.com. I would not think that you would use a Yahoo address for a spam campaign. Secondly, I know for a fact that my husband has visited your site because I have seen it in the history files of our computer (I checked after getting the emails). So are these emails from my husband or from you?

Unsigned

Emily responds...

I cannot say for certain that they are from your husband, but they are definately not from us. We have never sent out email solicitations of any kind. I suggest you forward the emails to your husband and ask him what he thinks about the site? This will give him an opportunity to come clean about how he really feels about loving female authority. Understand that it is extremely difficult for a man to share this part of himself with his wife. While it would be great if all men could be open about their desires, many instead choose to play games such as the one that your husband appears to be playing with you. That does not change the fact that his motives are driven by what appears to be a sincere desire to serve you.

Letters from Men

I guess I am like many people that write to your site in that I have been very aware of my desire to submit to women for a very long time. Where I seem to be different is that I do not really know that I want to do all the housework, surrender the remote control, let her make the decisions, etc. I really am just interested in the sexual roleplaying associated with being submissive. Do you have any suggestions as to how I might bring this up to my wife of eight years in some non-threatening way?

Unsigned

Ken responds...

I started to just dismiss your letter. My thinking was that while you are certainly welcome to pursue whatever course you want with your wife, your goals and that of this site simply are inconsistent. We want to help those that are genuinely interested in wife-led marriages, and we leave the rest of you to your own devices. However, I am posting your letter in the hopes that you will reconsider what you really want.

Do you honestly think that occasional sexual role-playing will ever satisfy you? If you have the same self-awareness of your submission that I share with so many men that write to me at this site, you will never be truly happy until you surrender to your wife. I am sending you an electronic copy of our book. I encourage you to read it with an open mind. Suggest to your wife that you try the Boot Camp trial period that we discuss in the book. Afterwards, write me and tell me that you can honestly say that the moment at which she acknowledges her leadership role, and that she expects you to obey her wishes, is not a life-changing experience. I doubt that you will tell me that the joy in being willfully denied sexual gratification as a means of enforcing your submission is not infinitely more satisfying than mere role-playing.

I am very hopeful that I will hear from you again soon.

---

Dear Emily and Ken:

This is a follow-up email from last month. As a month has passed and my path is more clear, I wanted to send this one other message. I know you don't answer men's emails, but I wanted to send this note of thanks.

I have the confessional CD (intimate version) and AHF book (actually my lovely wife has had them both for a couple months) and I have been faithfully reading the letters update page. My question before had involved how to undo the clumsy introduction to my wife of my interest in this kind of new dynamic in our marriage. I had hoped an answer might appear in the March blog, but realize space is tight. I think I have my answer in any case.

Since I last wrote I have taken to heart some of the comments you both made in earlier postings where you spoke of taking the time to let the process work itself out, to let her become aware of what's intended, and not hurry her. To take it one step at a time and allow her to see and assume it for herself. Patience comes hard for me especially because I so long for my wife to become more at ease with the control she really already has...if she would awaken to it, or more truthfully, be willing to exercise it. She is pretty traditional, yet can be forceful, firm, controlling at times of me and others (and other times a playful, child-like thing...I'm crazy in love with her!).

Since I gave her the CD and book, and a couple notes afterwards asking what she thought (I was too afraid to raise it in person figuring she would just reject me), I have not heard anything from her about this. She allows me to do an increasing number of chores without stopping me and is accepting an occasional massage and more affectionate touching that leads to nothing more. We have had a couple of deeply intimate times where I was self-less (thanks for the ideas, it's incredible to be so, I never knew how much) and I am much less assertive now in coming on to her, instead letting her set the pace for us. I have sidestepped some fights by agreeing with her, and I am actively paying more attention to her in routine matters. She is also getting used to using the remote control most all of the time without hesitation now! All of this she is allowing and even seeming to enjoy as I slowly escalate my submission. I doubt she has read the book, but I believe she listened to the CD I gave her and reviewed your website when I first mentioned it.

I have seen that the biggest change between us isn't in her but in me, to change my attitude of being centered on me and what I want, to become more about her and what she needs and will enjoy. I know there are benefits to this kind of relationship for her, and have found since I wrote to you a new determination to offer it, invisibly for now, in my pitching in on housework, making her feel sought and dated all over again, and my having an attention on her more than me. Sounds like things any good husband should be doing, huh? That's what so amazingly simple about your work...it makes sense. It has inspired me to serve her in ways deeper and more genuinely her-focused than I probably ever have before. Doing for her...more than doing for her to meet my needs...is a change of focus for me, and more than I expected.

As one expression of my submission too, I have put myself on a stealth allowance, taken my debit and credit cards out of my wallet, and am seeing the financial accounts as hers which I manage. Doing this has been an eye-opener to my feeling submissive as well and I can see some of what Ken meant when you wrote some time ago, "In our own household, Emily keeps me on an allowance. It is a constant and pleasant reminder of her status as head of the household."

I now am two months into this submission and know that I am going ahead slowly and deliberately. At some point, I will raise my request again and invite her discussion. I know me well enough that I need a formal acceptance and affirmation of her control. Until then, as I show her what can be, thank you for your good work and creative ideas. You have given me a fresh hope of how our marriage can evolve and be much more fulfilling in our empty nest years ahead. I certainly wish I had found you sooner, but maybe I wasn't ready for it till now.

Roger

Ken responds...

Roger, Emily and I are both incredibly happy for you. Please know that both of us, along with an ever growing audience of our readers, supports you and wishes you the best.

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Hi Emily and Ken,

Thank you for your website - it has helped me to recognize and put words to desires I have long known I had but was never really able to explain or understand. I have always considered myself to be submissive, but I never was really turned on by the "mistress/slave" thing or by leather-clad dominatrixes. I want to be the same person, with the same talents and drive and ambition, I just want to put all of my energy at the service of my wife and accept her direction and control.

Since finding your website last week, I started taking notes about how my marriage seems to match the pattern of "stealth submission." Here are a few:

1.) She has control of our finances. We have two accounts, a joint one where my paycheck goes, and one that is hers alone - her paycheck and some other money she had is in there. I never questioned her on how she chooses to spend her own money. If she wants to buy something - and we've made some large purchases - I've helped with all the details, but she has made the final decision. On the other hand, she has full access to the joint account, and my paycheck is mostly used to pay bills. I voluntarily keep her fully informed of how my money is spent, and she makes sure I am not slacking off on billpaying. If I run out of cash, which happens frequently, she will give me money on a daily basis - as much as she sees fit. I rarely make any purchases for myself, and I always ask if she minds if I get something for myself, like a music CD or a DVD. Sometimes, she doesn't mind and allows me to buy it.

2.) She controls the remote. In the past, she used to ask me what I wanted to watch, and if there wasn't anything in particular she wanted, she'd give the remote to me. Now, she doesn't bother asking me what I want, and if there is nothing good on, she'll put on Travel Channel or something similar, which she knows I don't particularly care for. I never complain. If I really want to see something, I will ask her. Sometimes, she will let me watch it.

3.) If she calls my name, I will pretty much routinely drop whatever I am doing and go to her immediately. If she tells me to do something, I do it right away. I've noticed times over this past weekend where she has given me a series of tasks to do while she just stands there and watches. This weekend, for example, she told me to do a load of dishes before leaving the house to go get bagels and then to get a haircut (which she told me to get). While I was doing all that, she was watching TV in the bedroom. I did as I was told.

4.) Her tastes rule. She decides where we go on vacation, what we do on the weekends, what we have for dinner. We listen to her radio station or her CDs in the car. She buys my clothes, and over the past year she has changed my style of dress pretty dramatically. (My co-workers have commented on it - and I have to say, it is better than what I used to wear.) She picked out my new glasses and my new haircut. She asks my opinion, and sometimes goes along with it, but she doesn't hesitate to overrule me whenever she pleases.

5.) We have not argued once in the past year and a half. I thought we were just getting along better, but now I realize that I have been giving in to her wishes. Not only that, I have been enthusiastic about her wishes.

6.) In the bedroom, we make love only when she wants to, and then we do it the way she likes. I initiate, but I get turned down a lot.

Since I've recognized all this, I have thought about either continuing in the status quo, where I serve her and she seems to accept my service without either of us actually acknowledging it, or telling her how I feel and seeing what happens. I've written her a letter, which I have not yet given her. I may wait for a bit, because we are going through some changes in our life right now and I think that it might not be the best time to suddenly reveal to her that her husband is submissive.

In the letter, I tell her that I want to serve her as a knight serves his Lady. I tell her that I am still the same person she has always known, because this tendency has always been a part of me and has always been a part of our interaction. The difference is I am formally acknowledging it. I pledge her my devotion and invite her to take her place on the pedastal.

I also tell her that even if she chooses to keep things the way they are, at least I have shared a very secret and personal part of myself with her, and this secret will no longer be something that keeps me from total honesty. I will be an open book.

I am fairly confident that my letter communicates what I want to say. How she reacts to it is another story...

I think there is a good chance she already recognizes this about me. She is pretty perceptive. If she doesn't already recognize it, I think this might be like a missing piece of the jigsaw puzzle that suddenly puts everything else about me into perspective. I also think that she enjoys being in control, especially because I think she felt deprived of control for so long in our marriage - so there is a chance she would take me up on this.

Any feedback you have for me would be greatly appreciated.

Unsigned

Ken responds...

Wow, your relationship seems so close to the perfect model of loving female authority that so many readers on this site are striving to reach. I would definately recommend that you pick a time that feels right to you to articulate your desire to serve her in a more formal LFA relationship. This is the only piece missing on your path to truly finding what you seek.

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Dear Emily and Ken,

I came across your great website about 2 months ago, I was so impressed that I bought the downloadable version of your book Around Her Finger from Lulu, it was also very good. This helped me to make up my mind that I should tell my wife (who is 4 years older than I and have been married to for 12 years) that I had these feeling and desires for her.

I had already been doing what you call stealth submission for about a year. I was doing most of the shopping, washing, ironing, foot and back massages, oral service, making tea and doing anything else that I could think of to please her. I did derive great pleasure and satisfaction for doing these things for my wife, but it just seemed there was something missing

I followed your advice and sent my wife an email, timing it to arrive when I knew my wife would be at home alone all morning. When I got home that day my wife was very upset and had been crying. She said it was very unfair leaving her with that email for all that time, and we sort of argued for the rest of the day, I asked if she had read the website she said something about skimming it but I think she missed the most important bits. I was feeling quite down and rejected.

So here I am two months down the line, and my wife seem to have forgotten about everything, and we are carrying on as normal. She even seems to get upset when I do the washing and some other jobs, saying that I am taking things that give her meaning in her life. She has also mentioned that managing money really scares her; this might be one hurdle that we need to get over. She is also not very comfortable with denying me my pleasure, always insisting that it is my turn.

I have tried to keep this email short. How do you think I should move this forward? Is this as far as I will ever get with a female lead marriage? Is there any hope or advice that you could give me? I love my wife dearly, but I yearn for her to take up her rightful place as the head of the family.

Thanking you in anticipation for any help and advice. Keep up your great work with your website.

Regards

Jay

Ken responds...

I wish that I could say yours was the first such letter that we have received describing a wife that rejects loving female authority upon first being introduced to the concept. One observation that I offer is that your letter seems to have one thing in common with the others that I have seen which have been similar to it. It seems that you threw this concept over the fence to your wife... stepped back... received her reaction, then sulked. You never really discussed this with her.

Your wife clearly has issues stepping outside the traditional role that she has imagined for herself. She may never be really comfortable with the idea of LFA, but truth be told, you do not know that yet. You have not spoken to her about it directly. You have not had a chance to hear her specific concerns and for her to understand how deeply rooted your submission really is to you. I doubt very seriously that she has even considered the fact that submission is an expression of love from someone that has difficulty in opening up about their emotions.

I recommend that you set aside some time with your wife for a very open and candid conversation. Do not think of it as an opportunity to sell her on the concept. Instead think of it as an opportunity to educate her on your feelings and for you to learn more about hers. Solicit her help in trying to understand where these feelings come from and what you can do about them. Consider this conversation a new starting point from which you can work together to define a relationship dynamic that works for both of you.

----

Ken and Emily,

Hello,I’d like to thank you for your site. It has been a real eye-opener for me. There are so many things that have occurred naturally in our relationship that I have always comfortably accepted and they now all make more sense. For instance,- she chooses who drives the car when we go on family outings. She is the initiator of sex, and I have always felt more fulfilled when her needs are met, rather than my own. She makes decisions about healthcare and education for our children. She determines our social schedule, etc.

I felt an enormous sense of relief and release when I came across your site, because the concept of a female-led relationship just seems so right to me. I really want to communicate to my wife my willingness to accept her authority explicitly (rather than "by stealth" as has been the case to date), but I have a bit of a problem to confront. You see, even though my wife is naturally the dominant member of our partnership, I have always had financial responsibility. I should point out that my wife does not work (her choice) and stays home to look after our young children whilst I work and earn a good salary. The problem is that I have done a terrible job of managing our finances and, unbeknownst to her, I am in a serious amount of unsecured debt. Because she does not know, I have not been able to hand over the finances.

I am intending to confess all and hoping that she will forgive my indiscretions and take charge, and that perhaps we can then work our way out of this situation. Just so you know, my debt is not the result of gambling, drugs or anything other than living outside our means and trying to give our family more (monetarily) than I was capable of. Anyway, your site is helping me to gain the courage to tell her all, and it has given me hope that perhaps with her at the reins, we can get back on track.

I will let you know how things turn out.

Mark, Melbourne - Australia

Second letter from Mark

Hello again. Further to my message yesterday, I wanted to tell you I came clean and told my wife all about my financial problems and debt. I was surprised (and ashamed) when she took it all calmly and considerately. She reasssured me that everything would be OK. She also agreed to take control over the finances. This outcome was beyond my wildest expectations.

Anyway, as I said in my letter yesterday, it has been a matter of course that I have been submitting to my wife over the years. Her taking over the finances seems like just a logical progression. My question is as follows - with this natural progression, how important do you think it is for me to express my desire to submit, and for my wife to consciously and formally take the dominant role?

Hope to hear your thoughts,

Mark, Melbourne - Australia

Ken responds...

Mark, your second letter indicates that the dilemma you posed in your first letter had an obvious solution, and you acted on that solution on your own initiative. When in doubt, always let the woman take control.

As to the question in your second letter, nobody can answer that question better than you. Her needs are already being met in that you are already serving her. Formalizing her authority is really more about your needs than hers. As you read often on this site, most men have a difficult time sustaining unilateral, stealth submission absent the formalization of her authority and her active management of your orgasms. In my opinion, opening up to her will be best for both of you. She will appreciate your honesty and will better understand your true feelings. You will, if all goes well, find yourself in the type of relationship that many men only dream of finding.

Best of luck.

March 2006

Letters from Women

My husband showed me your site and has expressed an interest in taking our marriage in this direction. I must say I find this quite interesting even if unfamiliar.

A lot of what your recommend seems like a natural extension and progression from where we are now, as I have always tended to be more of the boss anyway.

One point I am a bit uncomfortable with is withholding orgasms from him during sex. He says this is an important part of making my authority "real".

I am worried that getting him excited and leaving him unsatisfied will tempt him to masturbate. I don't want to discuss this with him because I am sure he would be embarrassed and upset and also because I don't want him to think I don't trust him.

But perhaps you can help me. Has this ever been an issue in your marriage or others you have talked to? Should I be worried? Should I relax and trust him?

Anyway, sorry if this is a dumb question.

Thanks,

Unsigned

Emily responds...

Thare are no dumb questions as they relate to beginning a female-led marriage. There is so much to consider in terms of how you structure your authority, that you are bound to have many questions and many areas of concern. The topic of male orgasm denial is probably the most controversial component of our website, books and CD's. It is no wonder that it is also the topic of so many of the emails that we receive. I understand that you are uncomfortable discussing it with your husband, but I really do think that open dialogue on the subject will be beneficial to both of you.

Ultimately, your active control of your husband's orgasm is probably going to be necessary for you to maintain his consistent and long term obedience. Your husband is submissive, this is not going to change, but even most submissive men will have a tendency to revert to thier old habits if their orgasms are not managed. Note that I use the term managed. By managed, I do not simply mean denied. Management implies some key elements. For starters, you will need to accompany his periods of denial with physical intimacy that arouses him, but leaves him unspent. For example, have him strip, give you a lengthy massage, and at the end of the massage, have him perform oral sex on you so that you achieve your own orgasm while he does not. You should acknowledge his arousal, perhaps even touch him intimately, but make a point of letting him know that you are denying him in order to achieve some end. Perhaps you will need him to do something for you the next day, or maybe just tell him that you know that in being denied his submission will intensify and you will both be happier for it. When you do allow him release, be certain that it is a reward for something special that he has done to please you.

As to your other concerns, your judgement call on whether or not you can trust your submissive husband not to masturbate is an important issue, and there are a number of considerations. Most men can be trusted in the early stages of their submission to their wives. It is only after the routines have been established and the newness of the arrangement is wearing off that they may begin sneaking off to satisfy their needs on their own. You should talk to your husband about his current masturbation practices and what your expectations would be going forward. To the extent that he is open and honest with you may be an indication of what you can expect. If he does violate your trust, you both will be the worse off. Remember, the surrender to you of when and how often he achieves orgasm's is intended to benefit you both.

If you come to the conclusion that he simply cannot be trusted. Please write to me. I will forward you some solutions that are ultimately very close to foolproof. I am considering discussing these solutions in more detail on these letter pages, but for now I prefer to do it in private correspondence.

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Dear Emily:

My husband and I are in a loving marriage that is evolving into a female led relationship. I would say that 90% of the time my husband treats me like a queen, is respectful of my position as the head of our household (having final decision making authority in family matters), and otherwise is generally compliant in meeting my emotional and practical needs.

However there is that other 10% of the time when his behavior is less than what I want, and I would like your advice in a couple of the issues we presently are having.

1. While my husband generally does a good job performing the household chores and child rearing tasks I assign him, there are times when he does not accomplish everything that I've asked him to do for me each day. He usually has the excuse that he "didn't have time" but I know he could make better use of his time if he wasn't spending so much time on the internet and watching TV. To this end I have implemented the orgasm management methodology you recommend and have had some success. If I do this for too long a time I know, I suspect he simply gets on the internet and pleasures himself, thus defeating my purpose, even though I know he would much rather receive his pleasure from me. I was wondering if you had any recommendations concerning this situation, and if there were any other methods of discipline you recommend for correcting a husband's errant behavior.

2. While my husband usually respects my having the final decision making authority in our home, he is currently being difficult over my choice in what school to put our 5 year old in this fall. I want to put our child in a private school, which is expensive but affordable for us, while my hubby wants to opt for our public school which is reputed to be a good one. As the wife I feel my say should be final on this matter, especially as I make more money than he does. However, he is adamant in saying we should put the money toward other areas and constantly fights with me on this hoping I wile give in. Additionally, I feel my husband spends to much money sometimes (especially in Sports memorabilia on eBay). I would like your opinion on how I should assert myself as the undisputed final authority in personal finance related matters.

3. Finally I wanted to suggest that you create on your site a place where we couples who practice the female led relationship lifestyle could list our email addresses to communicate, give advice and share life experiences with one another. I would enjoy such discourse with other wives in female led marriages and I'm sure my husband would enjoy talking to other husbands. My email address is moflrcpl@hotmail.com and feel free to list it if you chose to make such information available, perhaps in some kind of database.

Thanks again for your wonderful books and website,

Jessica

Emily responds...

If I may, let me answer your questions in reverse. First of all, while I have left your email visible in the letter you sent, I will wait until I get a number of such requests before posting a list as you describe. In the meantime, I will be happy to keep a repository of email addresses to share with other dominant wives on a request by request basis only. My only hesitation is that I do not want this list to end up as a target for spammers. I will likely be very careful as to how I ultimately manage this list.

As to your husband's insistence on how you handle the question of where you send your child to school, you need to draw a line in the sand. I believe you are right that you solicit his feedback and input. However, either you are in charge or you are not. As is often the case when you are telling your husband to comply with something that tests his obedience, do it under ideal circumstances. After a couple nights of being intimate with him where you have had an orgasm and he has been managed, you should have a talk with him. Tell him you are quite happy with the arrangement in your marriage where he is submissive and you are in charge. Have him again concede that he too is happiest when you are in charge. Remind him again that you value his opinion, but that final decisions are always to be yours. Then tell him that you plan on having a conversation with him the next morning, and that you want him to keep the evenings conversation in mind when you talk. In the morning, make it perfectly clear that your decision regarding the private school is final. He can either accept it, or you will end any pretenses that you are the head of the household and things can go back to the way they once were. He will likely comply immediately, but he will certainly do so within one week of going without your loving female authority.

As to your other question concerning your husband's masturbation habits when denied an orgasm, please see my response to the letter above. Write to me directly; I will provide you the same foolproof advice.

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Dear Emily,

I was very pleased when I saw your no-nonsense reply to a woman complaining that her husband had reverted back to his old ways. I had an incident with my husband several months ago were he deliberately disobeyed me in front of my best friend. I would be interested in what you thought of how I handled him.

We have been in a female-led marriage for slightly more than five years. I control every aspect of our marriage. I make the decisions and fully expect my husband to obey me without question. I may sometimes ask his opinion but it is understood that the final decisions are always mine to make. While I handle all the finance, my husband is solely responsible for all the cooking and all the household chores including all the housework.

Last June, my best friend Linda decided to visit us. She and I have been best friends since we were teenagers. I had visited her in California twice in recent year, but she had not had the chance to visit me in Tennessee. She knows about me being the head-of-the-house and is very, very supportive. As Linda and I planned her trip I told my husband I expected him to continue with his household responsibilities during Linda's visit. I was eager for her to see how I managed the household.

When Linda and I arrived from the airport things were as I had instructed. My husband had thoroughly cleaned the house, had arranged the guest bedroom for Linda, and had set up the guest bathroom for her use. I had told my husband that Linda and I would eat dinner at home that first night but we had planned on being out of the house off-and-on over her two week stay. I was taking time from work, and I had also decided my husband would take three half-days off so he could be at home to straighten things up during Linda's visit. My husband has become a very good cook (and a very good housekeeper) .

He had prepared dinner for us that first night. Strangely, he balked at serving us. He had fixed the meal but did not want to serve us. He said he was embarrassed. I was furious. He had even walked away into our family room where I followed him. I told him, in a voice loud enough for Linda to hear that I would not tolerate him disobeying me, ever. I told him to get back into the kitchen and serve us. He hesitated, and I told him again in a very loud voice, to never, ever disobey me again. I told him again to get back into the kitchen and serve us. Meekly, he finally obeyed me. It was half-way through dinner before I had calmed down. Linda was very gracious, even complimenting my husband on the meal and the beautiful table setting. He did appreciate her comments. As he told me later, he had just panicked at the thought of serving us but he would never disobey me openly again. And he was very obedient the rest of the two weeks.

Of course, I ensued his obedience by having him satisfy me in our bedroom every night for the next two weeks but not allowing him to have an orgasm. I maintained my control until the middle of second week of Linda's visit when I did allow him to masturbate while I looked on. However he was told not to even "play" with himself until I agreed to allow it. I also mildly scolded him twice during Linda's visit, while she looked on totally supportive of me. .

Two nights after he first disobeyed me, I told him during dinner Linda and I were not happy with the red wine he served us and I sent him to our local package store for another bottle while Linda and I finished dinner. The following week I scolded him again, while Linda looked on, for not greeting her at the door when she and I returned from a day out seeing the sights.

I was so pleased that Linda loved our arrangement. She told me how envious she was. She even decided to begin seeking her boyfriends submissive side as soon as she returned to California (and she has!). I know you must be swamped with requests from other women but I would love to her your views on how I handled things.

Best Wishes,

Paula in Tennessee

Emily responds...

Paula, your letter brings up a couple of topics for discussion. First, however, let me say that you are the ultimate head of your household. Whatever works for you and your husband is best left to you to decide. It is difficult for me to comment on the particular dynamics of your marriage without knowing how the relationship works for both of you. I will only say that there are a couple of ground rules, related to your letter, that work well for us.

First is that we are both very cautious and typically very collaborative regarding how much we let others know about power structure in our relationship. Men have written to us on this site and told us how gratifying it is when others outside their marriage learn that they are submissive to their wives. In a sense, however, this is playing with fire. Most of even our very close friends have no idea of how deeply submissive Ken is to me. While it is clear that I am very much in charge, I am sure that most of them think that he is simply "whipped" in the very traditional sense of the word and nothing more than that. You said that Linda was a very close friend and living in another state. That actually sounds like the optimal situation for letting someone in on your secret. In my own marriage, while the decision would ultimately have been my own, I probably would have discussed with Ken how we would handle openeing up to Linda about our marriage and what I expected as far as his behavior during her stay. This way, there should have been no surprises as to how things would proceed once she arrived. You may have done the same, and perhaps his failure to behave as he had indicated was cause for your angry reaction to his disobedience.

Secondly, while Ken is submissive to me, I tend to be more subtle in how I correct and modify his behavior. While there are certainly times that I scold him, these are rare based on the fact that he is generally very obedient. If I do scold him, it would more likely be in private. In our case, I more often manipulate him sexually as a means to achieving my control. For example, let me provide a counter-example to the way you handled the incident in which your husband refused to serve you dinner (I include this as a different approach, not a better approach). I might have walked into the other room, placed my hands on his thighs and whispered suggestively into his ear that I expected him to obey me immediately and get into the kitchen to serve us. After dinner, I might have been anxious to show off his loving submission by having him rub my feet while my friend and I finished our wine. As was the case with you, however, I would certainly have managed his orgasms for the remainder of your friend's visit. There would also have been some other punishments beyond simply denying his orgasms. Like you, I do not tolerate disobedience from my husband.

At the end of the day, I believe that your letter is illustrative of the fact that there are many ways to manage your household. We should all settle on what works best for us and keep an open mind to new ideas as we grow in our marriages.

---

Emily,

I was wondering if you might expand a bit upon the following quote:

If your husband is going through a stressful time at work, he needs to submit to you more than ever.

I would think that you might adjust things a bit for him ("strike a balance", as you put it), but I wasn't completely sure what you meant.

Thank you!

Kate

Emily responds...

This is a very good question, and my quote does require some clarification. As a proponent of loving female authority, I believe you should always have your husband's best interest in mind. His submission and your dominance, after all, are as much for his wellbeing as your own.

So to clarify, I do believe that difficult, stressful and often busy times are when he most needs to submit to you. However, this does not mean that you have to add to his stress by adding tasks to his to do list. In fact, you might even perform some of his chores for him. At the same time, you should step up your demands for his intimate adoration of you. Keep him on his knees and focussed on your pleasure. Manage his orgasms so that his submission peaks, but do not put too many nights between his releases.

In his submission to you, he can find a comfortable respite from the stress of the outside world.

---

Dear Emily,

I have enjoyed reading your website. I am just getting into this lifestyle and having a bit of trouble with it. My husband brought it up, and I love the idea, but I have always been the "doormat" so to speak.

I did pretty good for about a week, but my authority seems to have gone away. I have been sick also so I am sure that is why I let it slide a bit. Now I am back to doing all housework, laundry, cooking and taking care of our 4 children. While being sick! LOL Now of all times is when I need him to be submissive and help out! Any help you can give me would greatly be appreciated!

Lana

Emily responds...

Lana, have you had the conversation with your husband in which you cement the authority in the relationship? Simply stated, loving female authority will not work if you do not clearly express that you are in charge and you expect that he will obey you. If you have already done this, you need to do it again, but let him know you are incredibly serious. To have fantasies of being submissive is easy for most men, to truly live the life of a submissive husband is not. As soon as you are well again, tell him that you expect massages, foot rubs and anything else that pleases you every night. He, on the other hand, can expect that he will not orgasm unless he demonstrates perfect behavior for at least a week.

If you want a female-led household, you need to step up the plate. We know already that he wants it because he told you as much. He will not, however, find it easy to submit to a doormat, so you will need to step up the plate and be the strong women that you know you are.

Letters from Men

I have been aware of your site for over a year. I think I have read every word on your site and every word on the letter pages ten times. The knowledge that I want to submit to women is not new to me, it was not introduced to me by your site. I have known it forever. I have spent countless hours surfing internet pornography related to female domination. Much of the material that used to (and in a very real way still does) interest me would be considered extreme by almost anyone. People that know me, including my own wife, would never imagine that I have these thoughts and feelings. I am ashamed of many of my own fantasies as much as I am compelled to accept them. Where did all of this come from? I don't know, but for the first time, I feel like I have an option to deal with them.

Since first discovering your site, I have maintained the hope that I will one day have the courage to approach my wife with your book. The idea of loving female authority as an alternative to my past ideas about female domination is truly a ray of sunshine in a dark tunnel. My most intense fantasies now involve loving submission to my wife, where before they involved empty lust for some faceless model on the internet.

Thank you for giving me hope.

Unsigned

Ken responds...

I have to admit that in the past I too lacked the self-discipline to avoid femdom pornography. It was only when I finally submitted to Emily that I found the true peace that you seek. Emily will still occasionally check up on my internet habits (I am prohibited from purging my history file), but she has nothing to worry about. The pornography that interested me in the past is no competition for true, loving female authority. Have the courage to share your feelings with your wife. It is what you truly need.

---

I am in my mid-twenties and dating a woman who has no idea about my submissive feelings. I definately could see marrying this woman as we have been dating for two years and have a very serious relationship. Do you think I am obligated to discuss my desires for a female led household before we get engaged or married?

Jack in Connecticut

I really do. I discussed this with Emily and we both agree that this is one of those topics that is best brought to light prior to the bond of the marriage commitment. At the risk of making a shameless plug, consider purchasing her The New Bride's Guide to Training Her Husband and getting her feedback on what it suggests.

February 2006

Letters from Women

I have a question. My husband made me aware of his desire for a female-led household over a year ago. For the most part, it has gone extremely well. Recently, however, he has been under a great deal of stress at work. It has been reflected in his behavior at home. He has been less proactive about doing the chores that he knows are assigned to him. Also, he has been irritable about my channel choices and some of my requests.

Do you have any suggestions?

Unsigned

Emily responds...

Do not tolerate disobedience of any sort. Firmly re-assert your authority in the relationship. If your husband is going through a stressful time at work, he needs to submit to you more than ever. Explain to him in no uncertain terms what you expect from him. Follow this with sexual intimacy that leaves you satisfied and him quite the opposite. Maintain this pattern for as long as necessary.

In general, wives with working husbands need to evaluate their husband's workload at the office and strike a balance that works for everyone involved. Your husband's behavior as you described in your letter is not what you want and not what he wants either. Put an end to it.

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My husband and I have just completed the Boot Camp suggestion in your book. This is the biggest no-brainer in the history of marriage. I cannot tell you how much I love my new sense of control in the home. Ironically, I always felt like I was in charge, but knowing it is so much better!

Keep up the good work! I will let you know how things develop.

Jen in Colorado

Emily responds...

Thank you so much for the note and the photo (which, by the way, we would never post... even with permission). There is nothing we enjoy more than hearing about success stories.


Letters from Men

I have read a great deal about teasing and denial as it relates to female led households. My problem is that my wife seems to have adopted very easily to the denial, but the teasing seems to be missing altogether. Let me give you a little background and perhaps you can give me some advice.

About six months ago, after literally years of keeping these feelings bottled up, I purchased the confessional CD for my wife. While she conceded that it shocked her, she was willing to give LFA a shot if I was sure it was what I really wanted. Since that time, I have been leading the life of the submissive husband that I have always dreamed of living. She tells me what she expects done, and I do it. In a practical sense, this has led to me doing tons more work around the house, watching more than my share of chick flicks as she makes all TV and movie choices, and getting into a pretty steady routine of giving her massages. I also went to the local beauty supply store and bought everything I needed to give her manicures and pedicures. I paid a woman at the nail salon to teach me how to work on nails, and now I also perform this service for my wife. It would seem like I got exactly what I wanted.

My problem is that while I'm doing all of these things, she seems to have forgotten the part about keeping me motivated through the manipulation of my sexuality. I know that in saying this I risk the criticism of others that will say I am not truly submissive if serving her is not reward in and of itself. Unfortunately, it seems to be the case. We just don't have sex or any sort of sexual intimacy very often. When we do, I start to try and make the event all about her needs, but she inevitably stops me and pushes us towards intercourse. When we are making love, she wants me to orgasm. I have told her that I want sex to be about her pleasure, but she says that part of her enjoyment is knowing that I am satisfied, and this is how she wants it. I have not talked to her about the fact that we aren't intimate very often, but I am reluctant to do so because I do not want to be seen as driving the agenda in our home. I would rather react to her needs.

I know I am not the first person to write you a letter with this topic, but I hope you would not mind addressing it in terms of my specific situation.

Unsigned

Ken responds...

First of all, your instincts are correct in so much as you do not want to push your needs onto your wife. In part, all of the men that are drawn to this site all express our love to our wives with our devotion to their happiness and our obedience to their wishes and desires. I want my devotion to Emily and my obedience to her to be perfect, and I always struggle with any thoughts and desires of my own that do not align with her desires and expectations. This is a good thing.

Secondly, consider that in many relationships, sexual activity is most often initiated by the male's exagerated desire for intercourse. Prior to confessing your submission to your wife, would you say that you were the one most likely to initiate sex? I suspect that the answer to this question is yes. Now that you have committed yourself to her authority and her needs, you probably feel like you should commit yourself to her initiative regarding sexual intimacy and not your own. I do not, however, think that this has to be the case at all. You can initiate sexual activity and still maintain your submissive role. For example, she can remove her clothes for a full body massage. In the course of the massage, you can kiss her entire body and utlimately initiate oral sexual contact with your wife. This sort of initiative may at least represent a potential solution to the issue you are having with the frequency of sexual intimacy.

Note , however, that I use the term sexual intimacy and not sex. This is your main problem. Your wife does not understand the incredible shift in brain chemistry that occurs when you are intimate with her and how that brain chemistry again changes when you have an orgasm. As a submissive, I find the sexual energy that comes from pleasuring Emily to be so euphoric that I never want it to end. I then want to know that this energy belongs to Emily. I want her to be able to use it to reinforce the authority that she has in the household. It is my reward for surrendering to her. Would I surrender to her anyway, just because I know deep in my soul that it feels right? Yes, I would. However, do I savour and take great spiritual and emotional pleasure from the reward that comes from her very careful manipulation of my sexual arousal? Absolutely.

Do not assume that your wife understands this. Just as you cannot describe a color to someone that has been blind their whole life, you cannot explain this submissive, sexual euphoria to someone that has never experienced it. Be bold. Choose your words and method carefully, but share this notion with your wife.

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Thanks so much for your wonderful site. I wanted to share an idea with you that has worked well for me and that other submissive husbands might find useful in terms of getting started. An easy starting point for a husband hoping to interest his wife into this lifestyle is for him to suggest that she send him a daily "to do" e-mail. The suggestion can be couched in a variety of ways, of course, depending on the individual's comfort level, but it could be something as harmless as this: "I love it when I can be helpful to you, and it makes me feel bad to see you taking on so much of the grunt work of running the house. I've been thinking it might help take some of the load off you if you would just send me a daily e-mail - something where you identify a couple of things on your to do list for me to take care of for you - a chore, a shopping assignment, a call you have to make, whatever - if I can do it for you, I'll do it. But you'll need to promise to send me an e-mail every single day or itwill be too easy to fall back into our same old roles. "

First of all, who could turn down such an offer? If she's uncomfortable at first, she'll be uncomfortable alone in her office, not with you sitting in front of her wanting her to change. Every once in a while (and particularly at first), you may need to remind her to take five minutes to put something together, but the reminder is just a quick e-mail that pops on her screen and is gone. I can't imagine someone not giving it a shot.

My own experience is that the impersonal nature of e-mail makes it a lot easier to hand out assignments, and that the experience of handing out assignments and having things get done (almost magically) is intoxicating. Trust me, as long as you keep up your end of the bargain and everything gets done on time, the assignments will keep coming. If you can avoid self-congratulation, pretty soon she will come to take it (you) for granted. Big picture-wise, the daily e-mail can provide a practical context for the transition into a female-led household. You can try referring to yourself as her errand boy or her as your boss from time to time and see how she responds. You can ask her how the daily e-mail system is working for her and let her know how much you enjoy having more clearly defined roles. Ultimately, the discussion of what those roles are and why will have to take place, but it will take place in the context of describing something that is already underway. You won't have to ask her to try something new, only to expand on something she is already enjoying.

Thanks again for your wonderful site.

Dave

Ken responds...

You are a very wise man. The beauty of your suggestion is not merely that it serves as a starting point for loving female authority, but rather in the two key elements that you identified in your letter. First, e-mail is without questoin a less-inhibited form of communication. In corporate enviornments, people will shoot off their opinion in a nasty e-mail in a way that they would never do in person. Secondly, and more importantly, is your observation that the conversation that must ultimately follow, where household roles are defined, will then happen in the context of these e-mail driven task assignments. As you know, it will be so much easier to discuss a female-led household when the formality of the boss/errand boy relationship is firmly established in practice.

Please keep visiting on our site and update us on your own experience as it continues to unfold.

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I really enjoy your site. It is truly encouraging to find a site such as yours. I am submissive, and I have known it for a long time. Through some problems, I have made my wife aware of this and have been trying to get her interested. I have pointed out your site and we have both read your book.

I found your/Ken's book very well done. However, she was upset by the ideas in the book. She seems to think that all of the caring and loving behavior is just due to the man being led by his penis, not that he finds value and merit in his wife. I must admit that when I read the words I can see this, but other times when I think about it, I don't see or feel that way. If so I would appreciate your thoughts.

I am trying to improve our relationship and I truly love my wife so I am not trying to force anything on her. I have told her what ever she is comfortable with is fine with me. I know you say Ken typically responses to males, but since this is truly a female issue perhaps you could indulge me this time.

Jim

Emily responds...

Jim,

This is a very clever question. Ken and I have discussed this at some length, but I will indulge your request and answer this myself.

While it may be a matter for some debate, my opinion is that a man's desire to submit to a woman does indeed have a very strong sexual component. I am certain that if we looked hard enough, we could find men that deny any sexual connection to their interest in loving female authority. However, most would concede that despite the more meaningful spirtitual and emotional gratification that they take from submission, it also represents a very intense sexual turn-on for them. This raises some key questions that we should explore before returning to address your concern more directly.

First, acknowledging that there is a connnection between submission and sexuality, do we then suppose that submissive desires would disappear altogether absent a sexual connection? My answer is no. While it is true that the intensity of the desire to submit is connected to sex (witness the subdued desire for submissive behavior following a man's orgasm), that does not mean that it goes away altogether. Most, if not all, submissive men that have written to us and noted the moment of their initial awareness of their submission end up pointing to a time in their childhood before puberty. Also, we have received letters from older men who have acknowledge an intensifying desire to submit that accompanies their declining sex drive. While a trained therapist might answer differently, my layperson's opinion is that in these instances, submission, like sexual intercourse, is one form for expressing deepfelt love and affection in the absence of a sexual outlet. It naturally intensifies as the desire or ability for physical intercourse wanes.

Secondly, why does answering this question matter at all? Was not your initial attraction to your wife and her's to you based largely on physical characteristics and physical sexual desires? You obviously built upon those initial superficial components and bonded in a more meaningful way, but these new emotional bonds added to the initial sexual drivers, they did not replace them altogether. Loving female authority, while clearly adding an element of sexuality, will also not replace or even change any of the trust, friendship and love that is the cornerstone of an existing healthy relationshiop.

In order to move forward, try to explain to your wife that submission is a very healthy mechanism for men -- who are often painfully incable of communicating their feelings -- to express love and devotion to the woman in their lives. The fact that it will allow her more control of the household, the fact that there will be a heightened level of sexual energy in the relationship, and the fact that your very sincere desires will be met are only positive by-products of the dynamic. The most important thing is that your devotion to her is a constant, intesne and heart-felt expression of your love.

Please write us again to let us know how things develop. You are right to end your letter by acknowledging that the decision is ultimately hers, but you are within your rights to answer her concerns with a well-considered response.

January 2006

Letters from Women

I love your site, and it has meant a great deal to my husband and I as we have grown together in our female-led marriage. My only complaint is that you sometimes take the fun out of the discussion by downplaying the very strong sexual component that exists in this relationship type. I worry that many women that read this site to learn about loving female authority for the first time might walk away with an impression that it is all about turning their couch potato husbands into their butlers and maids. It's really so much more than that.

The sexual energy in the relationship is clearly channeled towards the pleasure of the woman. In my marriage, my orgasms come first (and for that matter second and third) before his is even considered. The physical element of sexual satisfaction, however, is only the beginning. For me, there is an incredibly sexual rush that comes from being in complete control. It turns me on when I look down at my husband and see him kissing my feet. It further excites me to know that his mouth would move from my feet to between my legs at my command. Because my control over him is constant, even out of the bedroom, the sexual charge is also constant. This is true for him as well as for me.

Please remind your readers, or maybe let them know for the first time, that power is a turn-on for women!

Annie in California

Emily responds...

Annie, I appreciate your letter as we are always open to sincere suggestions for improvement. I actually agree with you in that our site does sometimes undervalue the sexual benefits that loving female authority imparts on women (and men) that practice it in their marriages. As I have said many times, this site is intended as a non-threatening introduction to loving female authority for women who have never considered this type of relationship in the past. As such, we do downplay the sexual component of the female-led household. Perhaps we downplay it too much, and perhaps we should devote more content to the subject. As such, we have included your letter as well as the following letter which also touches on the benefits that LFA delivers to the dominant wife.

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I have been married for fifteen years. Until a few months ago, I don't believe that I had enjoyed sex the entire duration of my marriage. Sex had always been a very mechanical thing for my husband and me. I believe that the two of us just went through the motions the way we understood to be typical. He was very affectionate, and we practiced foreplay to a certain degree, but he had only given me oral sex on a couple of occasions. I was much more likely to perform the act on him, probably having given him oral sex about a dozen times a year.

All of this changed when I was made aware of your site. I heard about it, of all places, at my knitting club. This club is a small group of women, and we have all known each other for years. One of the women had seen the New Bride's Guide to Training Her Husband given as a bridal shower gift, and probably as a joke, ordered the book for me. I had been complaining about my husband's frequent fishing trips, and she said it would represent a fix to that problem. The book sat in my knitting bag for a couple of weeks, and I only actually decided to read it when I found myself spending half a day in a doctor's waiting room. I was, of course, amazed when I realized that the book was not just a joke at all, but was an education on a real alternative way of relating to my husband.

I went to your site after reading the book, and learned even more about female led households. In getting myself educated, I came to the conclusion that my husband displayed many subtle indications that he might be supressing submissive tendancies. They were all little things, but when I started thinking about them together, they all started to fit a pattern. For example, he was always attracted to dominant women, or women dressed as such, in movies and pop culture. Also, I remember he saw a woman wearing a pair of thigh-high, black leather boots and he suggested I get a pair. I was too conservative to buy anyhing like that, but sure enough, he bought me a pair for my birthday two months later. The thing that really got me thinking was something that he had given me very early in our relationship, when we were first dating. For Valentines Day, he had given me a gift certficate for "Slave for a Day". At the time I thought it was a cute little way of saving money on a real gift by just offering to do me favors all day, but in retrospect, I started to think that maybe it was more.

I wasn't sure if I was reading too much into my clues or not, but regardless, I worked up the courage one night to start testing him. I asked him to get some lotion and rub my feet. He took a position next to me on the couch and started to do so. I asked him if he wouldn't mind doing it on the floor. I was glad he didn't ask me why, because I'm not sure I would have had an answer, I just wanted to put him in a subservient position. I then used sort of joking tone and asked him to kiss my toes. He did so, sort of light heartedly at first, but then he really started getting into it. I then had him pull off my pajama bottoms and panties so he could start going down on me. I started stroking the back of his head while he did it, and he really seemed to be enjoying it. However, after about two minutes, he stood up and started pulling off his own clothes so that he could move on to intercourse. I told him that he wasn't finished yet, and that he needed to keep going down on me. About forty-five minutes and half a dozen orgasms later, he was cuddled up next to me on the couch with his head resting on my stomach. He had just accepted that the evening would be about my pleasure, and he never even made a second motion to try and have intercourse. After a about a week of repeat performances, we finally had our "you'll obey me" conversation. Things have never been the same since. Honestly, I think I could write my own book on the benefits to women of controlling their men's orgasm.

Sex is now a very big deal to me where as before it was just a routine, ho-hum experience. Believe me, there is no better example of a more sexually uptight, conservative woman in the world to have converted to your way of thinking. My husband and I are both the luckiest people in the world for having discovered loving female authority. Please keep up the good work with your site.

Unsigned

Emily responds...

Again, another great testimony to the difference that loving female authority can make in a woman's sex life.


Letters from Men


I have beed married for over 30 years to a women with a strong personality. They say I have one too, but for over 25 years, I have known that my wife is a stronger personality than I. In our daily lives, she has always made the bulk of the decisions without realizing it. Due to a very conservative upbringing she still wishes the man of the house to be the man of the house. As such, she will phone me before buying new clothes if she has not discussed it with me first - I have never said no. Our sex life is good and over 90% is with her on top and with me laying on my back with my legs apart and she with her legs together - real role reversal. I like to ask her permission before I ejaculate and she never says no.

So, it would seem that I am living the submissive role and she is playing the dominant role but, apart from pillow talk, she has never come out and said words with the message that she's in charge or stating that she is the dominant partner or anything along those lines. I am finding that this is the missing factor to make my life complete. Why don't I tell her outright? I am scared that her conservative upbringing will make her reject my request and to some extent make her consider me a weirdo and thus sour our wonderful life. In other words, I would rather live 90% submission than gamble on 100% and lose what I have.

Can you offer any advice ??

Sid

Ken responds...

You are not alone in feeling the frustration of living a life of stealth submission to your wife. The missing link that prevents you from self-actualizing is her formal, open affirmation of her control over you. Many, many men are in exactly the same situation as you. Your relationship with your wife is wonderful in so many ways, but ultimatley not quite satisfying. In order to move to that next tiny step, you face the very real fear of rejection.

I end up writing responses to this very dilemma almost every month. Emily and I have endeavored not to keep referring people to the past responses, but always to keep posting new thoughts and new angles on your challenge. We believe that this approach is one of the driving forces behind the growing community that is building up around the site. So, to that end, please consider the following suggestions.

Make a list of ten things that would represent a step up from your current activity. If you currently rub her feet at night, start kissing and licking them. If you currently run her bath, start shampooing her hair. If you currently share the household chores, add one of her to your list. Every couple of weeks, start adding one of the new items. She will almost certainly notice and, hopefully initiate a conversation about these changes. Have a response ready for her. Tell her that the longer you have been together, the more you realize that your happiness comes from making her happy. Tell her you feel like she is the naturally stronger personality in your relationship, and you have always felt like she is the head of your household. Tell her that you like it this way and only wish that she would acknowledge the fact and take a more active leadership role in the relationship. All of this dialogue will certainly open an opportunity for you to either pull back if you feel the conversation is going beyond your comfort level, or accelerate the conversation if you feel like you have an opening.

You won't be truly happy until her leadership in the marriage is affirmed. Be strong and take these next incremental steps. Let us know how it goes and we will post new suggestions to accelerate your ascendancy into submission for others to read about.

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What is the most common question that people ask you in letters to your site?

Cal in Florida

Ken responds...

This is a short simple question, but I thought in answering it I could make a couple of points to the community. Far and away the most common category of letters that we receive are from men who are trying to escalate their submission to their wives/girlfriends. They want to go from what we commonly refer to as stealth submission to a more overt submission where the women recognizes her authority in the relationship and formally acknowledges and acts upon her leadership position. The above letter is yet another example of this type.

This should serve as a comfort to men in a similar position to know that they are not alone. Others struggle with this same issue, and others overcome this issue and finally take on the formal submissive role that they so crave. It should also serve as an indicator to women that if they even suspect that their husband/boyfriend is submissive, they should not hesitate to fulfill him by formally taking the dominant role in your relationship.

By way of expanding on the your question, I can make some other general comments about the letters we receive. One, they are overwhelmingly from men. Letters from men outnumber letters from women by at least five, maybe ten to one. A key difference between letters from women and letters from men is that men seem to be much more certain of the fact that they desire loving female authority before initiating it in the relationship. Women, on the other hand, often seem uncertain of whether or not it is right for them until after they have been practicing it. This further makes my point that women should abandon any inhibitions about initiating LFA in their relationships.

One final comment about letters that we receive is that we wish more of them were written with this published letters section in mine. We cannot answer all of the letters that we receive with a personal reply, and we primarily desire letters that we can use to help others that come to this site. Please tell us as much about the history of your relationships as possible, and try to refrain from mentioning topics that are clearly outside the intended, low-key tone of the site.

Please, however, know that we love getting letters from our readers. If you have an experience that you feel could help others if you shared it, by all means, send it to us.

December 2005

Letters from Women

We just spent some time with family over the Thanksgiving holiday. My brother-in-law, who has always been a jerk at family functions, seemed like a new man. He offered to help with the cooking, he pulled out my sister's chair when she sat down to dinner, and he insisted on cleaning up the entire dinner while we all sat in the den and talked.

I asked my sister what was up. She wouldn't say, except to tell me that she had a secret. After a week of prodding, she finally told me that Jerry, her husband, had confessed to her that he wanted her to be in control. He had seen your site, followed your suggestions, and with little hesitation, my sister was all over it.

My question to you is how I get my husband on this plan. Do you think all men have this in them? My husband has never been a jerk like Jerry, but he is definately the caveman type of guy that has to sit at the head of the table. I just find it hard to believe that he's got a submissive side that just needs to be dragged out of him.

Mary Beth in Tennessee

Emily responds...

Do all men have it in them to be the submissive? I don't know for certain. However, the more I have been involved in this site, the more I am beginning to think so. My husband is certainly of the opinion that his own submissive nature is innate. He thinks that most if not all men are born with a desire to submit to women, and some men's life experiences tend to bring this out to a greater degree than others. I know that his opinion is shared by others that write about this topic on the web.

As to what do to about it in your own marriage, I admit that there is very little information about it on our website. I have commented on it in past letters sections, but the focus of the site is on the much more pervasive number of men that already know they want to be controlled by their wives. The book, Around Her Finger, does devote much more attention to the challenge of a woman that wants to spark submission in her husband. I am sending you a copy of the book as I think you will find it helpful.

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Your site is extremely tame compared to much of the other material on female domination on the web. I am very glad for this, as I do not think I would ever have agreed to try a female-led household if my husband had pointed me to some of the racier sites that are available as my first foray into these ideas.

However... now that I have dipped my feet into the lake so to speak, my interest in trying new things is peaked. But since my husband approached me with your very tame site, I wonder that I might be shocking his sensibilities to take things in a new and maybe more intense direction. What are your thoughts on this?

Unsigned

Emily responds...

The above author and I exchanged a few more emails and I have a better idea by what she means by a more intense direction. I will not share those details here, but I will tell you that there is plenty of information available on all of these activities to anyone equipped with a web browser and fifteen minutes of time.

What most submissive men really want is the sort of loving female authority that we describe on our site. These same men may fantasize about more illustrious activities, but these activities absent true LFA would never really satisfy them. No woman should ever feel obligated participate in activities which she finds objectionable. However, if she would like to experiment with these activities, it is my very certain opinion that he would be open to her desires. When I showed Ken this letter, he was so certain that the husband would welcome this acceleration of intensity that he could only respond with a laugh as he nodded in agreement.


Letters From Men

First of all, I would like to thank you for your site. It has taken many years for me to realize I have submissive tendencies and acknowledge them to myself, much less admit them openly to my wife. I have been practicing stealth with my wife for at least the last 10 years. It was not until finding your site a few months ago that I found the courage to try to express my feelings to my wife. Although things have not worked out as I hoped because my approach was more than a little ham-handed as you will see below, your site has liberated me for which I will be forever grateful. In addition to writing to thank you I am writing to ask your advice. About five months ago I wrote what I thought was a romantic letter to my wife expressing my feelings about her and my desire to submit to her. I now realize that my letter was anything but subtle and romantic. Here’s why. Years ago when my wife and I were first dating I was not aware of my submissive tendencies. One night after dinner together we were sitting at our favorite bar having an after dinner drink. When she finished her drink she put her hand directly on to my crotch and suggested that we leave. I was flabbergasted, in heaven, elated, excited and from that moment on forever hers. We left the bar and slept together for the first time that night. To me this was the most important evening of my life so I started out my “romantic” letter to express my desire to serve my wife by recounting this memory. I was trying to explain that on that night I first submitted to her and fell totally in love with her. But it came out all wrong.

I now realize that while my letter was sexual, it was not romantic. And the result was far from what I wanted or expected. I put the note to my wife in a truly romantic card about how she means the world to me. We went out to dinner at a favorite neighborhood restaurant and before dinner I gave her the card with my note inside. I ended the note by saying I did not expect her to react to it then, but that I hoped we could talk about it later. Several days later I gave her your book, Around Her Finger, hoping it was open the way for a conversation.

Well . . . to make a long story short, later has never come and I fear we will never discuss my desires. All she has said is, “why are you doing this to me?” Since then when I have tried to broach the subject she has refused to talk about it. She thanks me for what I do around the house and what I do for her, but she refuses to tell me what she wants me to do or how to act. My wife actually seems to be competing with me by trying to do more and more work around the house than she used to. I have continued to practice stealth submission by doing chores around the house, getting up early to make coffee that I bring with the newspaper to her bed, giving my wife backrubs and foot rubs when she will let me. However she often refuses to let me do these things. I know that my letter got my confession of a desire to submit to my wife off on the wrong foot. I am willing to do anything I have to to set things right with her.

So my question is what do I do now? I know that I must obey her wishes and if she doesn’t wish to let me submit to her or tell me to do things for her, then I have to accept that too. Still I desperately crave my wife’s authority in my life and for her to tell me how to act and what to do to bring her pleasure. I feel like I cannot be whole until this happens. Is there anything I can do to repair the damage my letter did? Will I ever be able to get her to not only be the supreme authority in my life, but also to act like it in a direct way? What steps should I take now? Please help me."

Unsigned

Emily responds...

While Ken typically responds to letters from men, I have had an ongoing email dialogue with the author of the above letter, and wanted to comment on this myself.

Many submissive men have been struggling, consciously or unconsciously, with their desire to submit to women for their entire lives. At certain periods in their lives, their submissive feelings occupy so much of their waking thoughts that it becomes nothing short of an obsession. When this happens, it is almost impossible for these men to put themselves in the mindset of the women to whom they wish to confess their desires for submission. To successfully nurture her dominance, however, you have to be able to understand her.

She has probably never heard the term "loving female authority". To her, male submission and female dominance is the stereotype presented on sitcom television. I promise you that most women do not relish the notion of turning in their existing self-image for that of the latex-clad dominatrix that exists on the fringes of popular culture. In the case of the letter that you sent to your wife, it started with a very sexual anecdote. Granted it was one in which she participated and even initiated, but still, you described it in a way that I felt was crass and was certainly a weak start to expressing your thoughts.

Go back and try and think about how you can present your submission to her in the context of how she views herself today. Do it in small steps. A man who has been shouldering the burden of household chores for some time, as you seem to have been doing, might look for a way to escalate his service to his wife. You might bring her a drink and sit at her feet one night in front of the television. Bring some lotion and start rubbing her feet. If you sense that she feels guilty for indulging herself in this pleasure at your expense, tell her that the more you have matured, the more your love for her has grown, that you find yourself looking for ways to make her happy. In fact, it makes you happy to do these things for her. Get her to accept this potentially radical notion before moving on to the next step. This may take weeks. It may take months.

What would be the logical next step? It might be that you wait for a large household decision on which you might have some minor disagreement. Cede the decision to your wife and let her know why. Tell her that while you might have some reservations about the choice she wants to make, you have seen time and time again that her judgement is better than yours, and you prefer to follow her lead. Tell her that in fact, she makes a better head of the household than you do. Tell her that for some time, you have considered her such. Count all of these small steps as major wins. She will begin to accept her leadership role on her own terms. This is important.

So what are the bigger steps that you can take as you begin to build up to the confessional conversation that we describe in the book and on the site? You go from rubbing her feet to licking her feet. You go from foot massages to buying a massage table. You explain to her why sometimes you like to be intimate with her, but not have orgasms. You let her know that it is particularly exciting if she be the one to ask you to stop short of a climax.

Unfortunately there is no formula. There are principles to consider that will make you more or less successful. I know that you can regroup with a more steady approach and be successful in developing a female-led household in your own marriage.

-----

Maybe your male readers can benefit from my mistakes. After graduation from college, I married my high-school sweetheart and set about to realize my ambitions by starting my own company so I could acquire all those material things necessary to fulfilling the American dream. For both of us, our twenties were all about learning to live and work together to provide greater security. For me, personally, there was no need for introspection. I simply combined what I had been taught with my own innate abilities to make myself competitive in whatever I chose to do. In the meantime, my wife worked to help financially support my efforts, which eventually succeeded in providing us with a very comfortable lifestyle.

When I finally reached the point where I could stop to smell the roses, I was overcome with a recurring deep seeded need for submission that I had successfully buried for years under layers of work-related responsibilities. However, this need was no longer to be denied and, after eight long years of hiding this side of my personality, I finally worked up the courage to reveal it to my wife. Needless to say, she was anything but sympathetic, empathetic, or even kind. In addition to announcing she wasn’t the dominant type, she made it clear that she didn’t understand the need, didn’t want to understand the need, didn’t wish to discuss it any further, and suggested I seek professional help. And that, as they say, was that!

In a word, I was devastated. Because her rejection of this side of my personality was so painful, I treated it as an over-all rejection of me. Although we never spoke of this again, it drove a wedge between us that got driven deeper and deeper until I finally asked for a divorce several years later.

In hindsight, I did everything wrong and for purely selfish reasons. However, in my own defense, this was before the era of the Internet informational super highway and, although Female-led relationships might have existed, they certainly weren’t discussed the way they are today. Authorities like Emily Addison didn’t have the benefit of offering her advice in such an open, international forum. Had I had the benefit of a knowledgeable female’s insight, my approach would have been totally different, and maybe the results would have been different, too.

What would I do differently? I would not reveal my submissive desires until I thoroughly understood the dynamics involved, and I was thoroughly prepared to make good on all my promises. I would focus on how such a relationship directly benefits my wife. For my wife, financial security was paramount. I would explain how I was willing to have a checking account created in her name giving her exclusive control over our finances. In addition, I would explain how my paycheck would be deposited directly into her account, and how I agreed to an allowance in an amount determined by her. I would also explain how I agreed to assume responsibility for those domestic tasks and duties she assigned to me, and how I was prepared to increase my physical and emotional support of whatever she chose to do. In purely practical terms, trying to convince her to buy into this kind of relationship is similar to a salesperson overcoming buying objections. Unless the prospective buyer can be convinced that her investment (in this case emotional) will greatly improve her life, there is no chance of making a sale. Additionally, I would make every effort to let my actions speak louder than words by demonstrating my love and devotion to making her life easier and more rewarding.

Just having the courage to reveal your desires doesn’t necessarily mean they will automatically be fulfilled. Achieving your goal of living under the loving authority of a Female-led relationship requires a good deal of delicate diplomacy in an open, honest and safe forum where everyone’s opinions will be respected. If I ever again have the chance to approach the one I love with the prospect of sharing a Female-led relationship, I will definitely put her needs way above my own.

Unsigned

Ken responds...

This letter seems such a perfect follow-up to the previous letter. It is both a warning that these ideas are powerful and often elicit negative reactions when presented imperfectly. It is also a treasure of wisdom from someone who has learned from his mistakes.

Describing the slow revelation of your desire to submit to your wife as a sales effort is an interesting analogy. While many professional salespeople are often portrayed as fast-talking, hard-driving hucksters, the successful salespeople that I have know have been more calculating in their approach. Just as the writer suggests, potential submissive husbands should analyze what elements of a female-led household will have the most appeal to their wives. Position and deliver these benefits and work on the more challenging areas with patience and perserverance.

The consequences of a negative sales effort are demonstrated in both of these letters. Never lose sight of the fact that a rushed and poorly executed effort can have very significant emotional consequences in the relationship. Risk is always present when the stakes are high.