February 2006

Letters from Women

I have a question. My husband made me aware of his desire for a female-led household over a year ago. For the most part, it has gone extremely well. Recently, however, he has been under a great deal of stress at work. It has been reflected in his behavior at home. He has been less proactive about doing the chores that he knows are assigned to him. Also, he has been irritable about my channel choices and some of my requests.

Do you have any suggestions?

Unsigned

Emily responds...

Do not tolerate disobedience of any sort. Firmly re-assert your authority in the relationship. If your husband is going through a stressful time at work, he needs to submit to you more than ever. Explain to him in no uncertain terms what you expect from him. Follow this with sexual intimacy that leaves you satisfied and him quite the opposite. Maintain this pattern for as long as necessary.

In general, wives with working husbands need to evaluate their husband's workload at the office and strike a balance that works for everyone involved. Your husband's behavior as you described in your letter is not what you want and not what he wants either. Put an end to it.

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My husband and I have just completed the Boot Camp suggestion in your book. This is the biggest no-brainer in the history of marriage. I cannot tell you how much I love my new sense of control in the home. Ironically, I always felt like I was in charge, but knowing it is so much better!

Keep up the good work! I will let you know how things develop.

Jen in Colorado

Emily responds...

Thank you so much for the note and the photo (which, by the way, we would never post... even with permission). There is nothing we enjoy more than hearing about success stories.


Letters from Men

I have read a great deal about teasing and denial as it relates to female led households. My problem is that my wife seems to have adopted very easily to the denial, but the teasing seems to be missing altogether. Let me give you a little background and perhaps you can give me some advice.

About six months ago, after literally years of keeping these feelings bottled up, I purchased the confessional CD for my wife. While she conceded that it shocked her, she was willing to give LFA a shot if I was sure it was what I really wanted. Since that time, I have been leading the life of the submissive husband that I have always dreamed of living. She tells me what she expects done, and I do it. In a practical sense, this has led to me doing tons more work around the house, watching more than my share of chick flicks as she makes all TV and movie choices, and getting into a pretty steady routine of giving her massages. I also went to the local beauty supply store and bought everything I needed to give her manicures and pedicures. I paid a woman at the nail salon to teach me how to work on nails, and now I also perform this service for my wife. It would seem like I got exactly what I wanted.

My problem is that while I'm doing all of these things, she seems to have forgotten the part about keeping me motivated through the manipulation of my sexuality. I know that in saying this I risk the criticism of others that will say I am not truly submissive if serving her is not reward in and of itself. Unfortunately, it seems to be the case. We just don't have sex or any sort of sexual intimacy very often. When we do, I start to try and make the event all about her needs, but she inevitably stops me and pushes us towards intercourse. When we are making love, she wants me to orgasm. I have told her that I want sex to be about her pleasure, but she says that part of her enjoyment is knowing that I am satisfied, and this is how she wants it. I have not talked to her about the fact that we aren't intimate very often, but I am reluctant to do so because I do not want to be seen as driving the agenda in our home. I would rather react to her needs.

I know I am not the first person to write you a letter with this topic, but I hope you would not mind addressing it in terms of my specific situation.

Unsigned

Ken responds...

First of all, your instincts are correct in so much as you do not want to push your needs onto your wife. In part, all of the men that are drawn to this site all express our love to our wives with our devotion to their happiness and our obedience to their wishes and desires. I want my devotion to Emily and my obedience to her to be perfect, and I always struggle with any thoughts and desires of my own that do not align with her desires and expectations. This is a good thing.

Secondly, consider that in many relationships, sexual activity is most often initiated by the male's exagerated desire for intercourse. Prior to confessing your submission to your wife, would you say that you were the one most likely to initiate sex? I suspect that the answer to this question is yes. Now that you have committed yourself to her authority and her needs, you probably feel like you should commit yourself to her initiative regarding sexual intimacy and not your own. I do not, however, think that this has to be the case at all. You can initiate sexual activity and still maintain your submissive role. For example, she can remove her clothes for a full body massage. In the course of the massage, you can kiss her entire body and utlimately initiate oral sexual contact with your wife. This sort of initiative may at least represent a potential solution to the issue you are having with the frequency of sexual intimacy.

Note , however, that I use the term sexual intimacy and not sex. This is your main problem. Your wife does not understand the incredible shift in brain chemistry that occurs when you are intimate with her and how that brain chemistry again changes when you have an orgasm. As a submissive, I find the sexual energy that comes from pleasuring Emily to be so euphoric that I never want it to end. I then want to know that this energy belongs to Emily. I want her to be able to use it to reinforce the authority that she has in the household. It is my reward for surrendering to her. Would I surrender to her anyway, just because I know deep in my soul that it feels right? Yes, I would. However, do I savour and take great spiritual and emotional pleasure from the reward that comes from her very careful manipulation of my sexual arousal? Absolutely.

Do not assume that your wife understands this. Just as you cannot describe a color to someone that has been blind their whole life, you cannot explain this submissive, sexual euphoria to someone that has never experienced it. Be bold. Choose your words and method carefully, but share this notion with your wife.

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Thanks so much for your wonderful site. I wanted to share an idea with you that has worked well for me and that other submissive husbands might find useful in terms of getting started. An easy starting point for a husband hoping to interest his wife into this lifestyle is for him to suggest that she send him a daily "to do" e-mail. The suggestion can be couched in a variety of ways, of course, depending on the individual's comfort level, but it could be something as harmless as this: "I love it when I can be helpful to you, and it makes me feel bad to see you taking on so much of the grunt work of running the house. I've been thinking it might help take some of the load off you if you would just send me a daily e-mail - something where you identify a couple of things on your to do list for me to take care of for you - a chore, a shopping assignment, a call you have to make, whatever - if I can do it for you, I'll do it. But you'll need to promise to send me an e-mail every single day or itwill be too easy to fall back into our same old roles. "

First of all, who could turn down such an offer? If she's uncomfortable at first, she'll be uncomfortable alone in her office, not with you sitting in front of her wanting her to change. Every once in a while (and particularly at first), you may need to remind her to take five minutes to put something together, but the reminder is just a quick e-mail that pops on her screen and is gone. I can't imagine someone not giving it a shot.

My own experience is that the impersonal nature of e-mail makes it a lot easier to hand out assignments, and that the experience of handing out assignments and having things get done (almost magically) is intoxicating. Trust me, as long as you keep up your end of the bargain and everything gets done on time, the assignments will keep coming. If you can avoid self-congratulation, pretty soon she will come to take it (you) for granted. Big picture-wise, the daily e-mail can provide a practical context for the transition into a female-led household. You can try referring to yourself as her errand boy or her as your boss from time to time and see how she responds. You can ask her how the daily e-mail system is working for her and let her know how much you enjoy having more clearly defined roles. Ultimately, the discussion of what those roles are and why will have to take place, but it will take place in the context of describing something that is already underway. You won't have to ask her to try something new, only to expand on something she is already enjoying.

Thanks again for your wonderful site.

Dave

Ken responds...

You are a very wise man. The beauty of your suggestion is not merely that it serves as a starting point for loving female authority, but rather in the two key elements that you identified in your letter. First, e-mail is without questoin a less-inhibited form of communication. In corporate enviornments, people will shoot off their opinion in a nasty e-mail in a way that they would never do in person. Secondly, and more importantly, is your observation that the conversation that must ultimately follow, where household roles are defined, will then happen in the context of these e-mail driven task assignments. As you know, it will be so much easier to discuss a female-led household when the formality of the boss/errand boy relationship is firmly established in practice.

Please keep visiting on our site and update us on your own experience as it continues to unfold.

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I really enjoy your site. It is truly encouraging to find a site such as yours. I am submissive, and I have known it for a long time. Through some problems, I have made my wife aware of this and have been trying to get her interested. I have pointed out your site and we have both read your book.

I found your/Ken's book very well done. However, she was upset by the ideas in the book. She seems to think that all of the caring and loving behavior is just due to the man being led by his penis, not that he finds value and merit in his wife. I must admit that when I read the words I can see this, but other times when I think about it, I don't see or feel that way. If so I would appreciate your thoughts.

I am trying to improve our relationship and I truly love my wife so I am not trying to force anything on her. I have told her what ever she is comfortable with is fine with me. I know you say Ken typically responses to males, but since this is truly a female issue perhaps you could indulge me this time.

Jim

Emily responds...

Jim,

This is a very clever question. Ken and I have discussed this at some length, but I will indulge your request and answer this myself.

While it may be a matter for some debate, my opinion is that a man's desire to submit to a woman does indeed have a very strong sexual component. I am certain that if we looked hard enough, we could find men that deny any sexual connection to their interest in loving female authority. However, most would concede that despite the more meaningful spirtitual and emotional gratification that they take from submission, it also represents a very intense sexual turn-on for them. This raises some key questions that we should explore before returning to address your concern more directly.

First, acknowledging that there is a connnection between submission and sexuality, do we then suppose that submissive desires would disappear altogether absent a sexual connection? My answer is no. While it is true that the intensity of the desire to submit is connected to sex (witness the subdued desire for submissive behavior following a man's orgasm), that does not mean that it goes away altogether. Most, if not all, submissive men that have written to us and noted the moment of their initial awareness of their submission end up pointing to a time in their childhood before puberty. Also, we have received letters from older men who have acknowledge an intensifying desire to submit that accompanies their declining sex drive. While a trained therapist might answer differently, my layperson's opinion is that in these instances, submission, like sexual intercourse, is one form for expressing deepfelt love and affection in the absence of a sexual outlet. It naturally intensifies as the desire or ability for physical intercourse wanes.

Secondly, why does answering this question matter at all? Was not your initial attraction to your wife and her's to you based largely on physical characteristics and physical sexual desires? You obviously built upon those initial superficial components and bonded in a more meaningful way, but these new emotional bonds added to the initial sexual drivers, they did not replace them altogether. Loving female authority, while clearly adding an element of sexuality, will also not replace or even change any of the trust, friendship and love that is the cornerstone of an existing healthy relationshiop.

In order to move forward, try to explain to your wife that submission is a very healthy mechanism for men -- who are often painfully incable of communicating their feelings -- to express love and devotion to the woman in their lives. The fact that it will allow her more control of the household, the fact that there will be a heightened level of sexual energy in the relationship, and the fact that your very sincere desires will be met are only positive by-products of the dynamic. The most important thing is that your devotion to her is a constant, intesne and heart-felt expression of your love.

Please write us again to let us know how things develop. You are right to end your letter by acknowledging that the decision is ultimately hers, but you are within your rights to answer her concerns with a well-considered response.