November 2006

Letters from Women

Dear Emily,

I am one of those conservative wives that were knocked off of her feet by my husband’s recent revelation that he was submissive. I never had any idea that this sort of thing existed, and I will admit that it has taken some getting used to.

I knew that something was up before he ever opened up about what was really happening. He had gone through the whole mess about doing all of our laundry and cooking dinner. He said he just wanted to start contributing more around the house, but I knew that something else must be going on. At the same time he began stopping himself before he would have orgasms. He had always been one to spend a great deal of attention to my needs during sex (that is to say he always was generous with oral sex), but this new thing about stopping himself before finishing was just bizarre. The first time it happened, I thought I must have been mistaken. I figured he had an orgasm with an unusually small amount of semen, and I just didn’t notice it. The second time, however, I was sure that he did not finish, so I said something about it. He said that he didn’t feel like he deserved it because he had forgotten to make the bed. Honestly, I thought that was about the weirdest thing in the world, but I said nothing about it.

Then he went into a period where he scaled back on all of the things that he had been doing. Without any explanation, the laundry started piling up, he stopped cooking meals, and he became just a little less interested in sex. Being uncomfortable with the entire series of events in the first place, I didn’t say anything about it. When, over a month later, he left your book and a short note on his pillow when he left for work in the morning, I was completely taken back.

I would describe my journey into loving female authority in three stages: rejection, open-mindedness, and now, total convert. I initially thought the entire thing was weird, and just ignored it. I pretended as if he had never left the book on my pillow, and as far as he knew, I had never read his note or the book at all. It was only two full months later, and having spent time on your website, that I finally told my husband that we should talk about it. We had a very awkward conversation in which he ultimately told me that he loved me no matter if I ever wanted to explore this or not. I love him too, there is no denying it, so I told him that if it was important to him, I would try it.

We started with me giving him simple lists of tasks I wanted him to do. I then started having him give me foot massages every night. I have to admit, it was really working for me. I loved feeling like the center of attention. Then he would slip off the wagon a bit, and I wondered if it was really a fad. That’s when he came forward about how important it was that I controlled his orgasms. That very night while we were making love, I had him pull off of me before he had his orgasm. That’s when I learned first-hand how important this was to getting his attention focused on me. A man’s selfishness and self-centeredness is directly tied to whether or not he has climaxed. Also, it seems directly related to whether or not I stopped him from having it as an overt and conscious decision.

All of this again seems kind of weird now that I am typing out this letter. But as I said, I am definitely a total convert to your teachings. He is happier, I am happier, and we are definitely closer as a couple thanks to this new element in our marriage. I think that submission breaks down many of the defenses that a man puts up that keep him from opening up and sharing emotions with his wife. My husband is now much more willing to share very deep thoughts and feelings with me, and I could never give this up. Also, I am growing to feel accustomed to his obedience and to all the many things that he does for me. Perhaps this is selfishness of my own, but as it makes us both happy, I will allow myself this guilty pleasure.

Mary Beth

Emily responds…

Although you may have said it tongue in cheek, one should never feel guilty about allowing your submissive husband the very satisfying outlet of serving you. The more demanding that you are with your husband; the more he will adore you. In fact, try this experiment. Write down a list of five requests which you feel are progressively more outrageous than the last. Watch as your husband lights up with each successive request. He loves serving you because it is the consummate expression of his love for you. Allow him every chance to express himself, and enjoy every moment of it.

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Dear Emily,

Thank God for your site. I have met a wonderful school teacher on an interracial matchmaking site a year ago. I am a black female, he is Italian tall, beautiful thick curly hair and very masculine looking and acting.

Our first conversation was incredible. We wanted the same things in life, a good relationship, based on respect and monogamy, and children. During the course of the first conversation, he immediately asked how I felt about submissive men. No one knew, EVER that I had this very dominate side to my nature and I secretly fantasized about dominating my man. I had let the desire lay dormant because I thought if I ever asked a guy that he would think that I am accusing him of being weird. Our conversations after that first door-opener have been wonderful and liberating.

It has been a year now, and I have still not moved forward, mainly because I did not know how. Before this site, I too thought a dominant woman was like the dramatic images seen in movies and on T.V. You have stated it perfectly... I want to be a LOVING female authority figure for my man. I want it as much as he does.

I think I am going to learn a great deal here, and I want to finally move this relationship out of neutral and into drive.

Thank you,

Angel

Emily responds...

Best of luck to you, Angel. For a woman that is naturally dominant, I think you will find that the baby steps we offer on our site represent the beginning of a wonderful journey. I am sure that wherever you want to take this journey will be mutually beneficial for you and your new boyfriend.

I want to add that I find it interesting that your submissive boyfriend was seeking black women on an interracial dating site. At the risk of stereotyping, it seems to me that African American women appear more outwardly dominant than white women. I obviously have no statistical evidence to support this, but I know that I have had male letter writers suggest this in the past. I would be interested in your thoughts on this. Did your boyfriend have the same preconceived notions that I have, and did he seek out an interracial relationship on this basis?

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Dear Emily,

As I have for at least the past 3 months, I just walked away from my husband after he disobeyed me. I've been trying to practice loving female authority, but he doesn't respond to the loving part or the authority. Take the simplest thing, but one that always makes me angry. My husband and I do the dishes together, but he insists on putting them away wet. They're not damp; they're wet. I've asked him nicely to dry them. I've told him he's not doing anything I don't do, because I make sure mine are dry. I've yelled at him to dry them, and he makes excuses about why he can't or doesn't dry them. I've denied him orgasms, and he's promised to dry the dishes completely, only to break the promise every time. We have many other problems, and loving female authority just isn't working in general. Maybe if you can give me some suggestions on how to make him obey.

Finally, I don't know if this has anything to do with what's going on, but my husband always defied the women in his life. He never valued his mother's or grandmother's opinions, and they're the ones who raised him. In any case, I'd really appreciate any ideas. If something doesn't change, I'm filing for divorce. I'm completely tired of having to do everything if I want it done right, hearing his excuses, and arguing with him.

Thanks for your help.

Angie

Emily responds…

I have said many times that loving female authority is not the only component of a healthy and successful marriage; it is only one wonderful dynamic for contributing to an otherwise positive relationship. You need to assess whether or not the core elements of trust, love, friendship and respect were or are present in your marriage.

It sounds like you have been going through some difficult times, and difficult times are often better handled with help. I suggest you reach out to someone in your local community, maybe a member of the clergy or a marriage therapist that can help you determine what course of action will ultimately lead to the happiest outcome for everyone involved.

Letters from Men

Dear Emily and Ken,

Thanks for responding to my letter in your recent update.

You may recall that while my wife and I were both very interested in pursuing an Around Her Finger marriage, we had recently fallen off the wagon a bit. My wife agreed with your suggestions and things are back on track.....and we are both loving it.

Kind regards,

Tim

Ken responds…

Very glad to hear back from you. Sometimes we post advice on the web and never get any feedback as to how the situation played out. I am glad to hear that her recommitment to some of the core practices in LFA has worked out for both of you.

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Dear Emily and Ken,

I read a wife's post in the September entry of your letters update that said she no longer gives her husband oral sex. I didn't think I'd see a comment like this from someone who relates to the Around Her Finger philosophy, which is more benign than some of the more militant approaches to female leadership in the home that I have seen elsewhere.

I realize in the Wife-Led Marriage, or Female Led Relationship, it is about HER pleasure. However, the idea that a wife should not, or does not, give oral sex to her husband as a matter of ....policy... seems be more in line with extreme approaches.

What your thoughts are on the wife giving oral sex to her husband?

Thank you.

Arnold

Ken responds…

The main focus of our site is providing an introductory soft landing zone for those being introduced to wife-led marriages for the first time. We do not necessarily advocate boundaries for the relationship dynamic once a couple becomes comfortable with the core notion that the woman is the alpha-spouse in the relationship.

I assume that many women enjoy giving oral sex. These women should indulge this pleasure and do as they choose. I also assume that many women do not. These women should feel no sense of obligation to do anything… sexual or otherwise that they do not want to do in their marriage.

Your wife should decide what boundaries are appropriate in your marriage and more specifically in your bedroom, and you should abide by them. If she wants to indulge your own interest in receiving oral sex or her interest in giving it, that is completely up to her. That is the best advice I can offer on the topic.

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Dear Emily and Ken,

Before introducing my wife to your site, I used to fantasize about all sorts of activities that we could do together which represented more intense activities than you have ever discussed on these pages. While you do not discuss these activities for good reason, I am sure that you are familiar with them. Other sites do discuss them, and in fact, other sites seem to focus on them.

Now that my wife has accepted the dominant role in our household (a long story, but off topic), I find that I still fantasize about these activities. I suspect that mentioning them to my wife would risk ruining everything that we have been able to accomplish with loving female authority so far. Do you suggest that I just keep these fantasies to myself, or, as you said in a previous response, do you feel that I should share this with my wife as she is likely better equipped to understand and help me deal with these issues?

Roger in New Mexico

Ken responds…

Roger, this is a great letter. It really put me on the spot. I ran it by Emily and we discussed a response.

You are correct. Certain topics exist for which the (predominately male) members of our audience would like us to discuss, but we do not as they violate the core purpose of this site. I am not certain of exactly what activities you refer, but as a web-savvy submissive man, you have no doubt been exposed to the many ways that men have sought to satisfy their desire to submit to a woman. I am not making a judgment call on any of these activities, but I can say with certainty that the audience of women that would be open to participating in these activities is much smaller than the audience of women that are open to loving female authority as we describe it on our site and in our books. Also, many men have written this site to tell us that once they experienced true loving female authority, their desire for these activities went by the wayside. Yours, however, has not, so let us deal with your situation and toss the generalities aside.

You obviously need to make a determination on whether or not you want to share your interest in these activities with your wife, but you should first ask yourself why you want to share these fantasies. If it is because you hope that by sharing them that she will embrace them, then this is a calculated risk. If it is instead because you feel that by opening up that she will have a better idea as to the deeper nature of your submission and be in a better position to nurture it – regardless of whether these activities are ever to be explored- then this makes more sense to me.

You know your wife better and have a better instinct as to how she will react. Philosophically, Emily and I both agree that you should keep no secrets from your wife. As to the practical concerns that might arise from opening up to her, you are better positioned to predict how she will react than are we. However, I suspect the risk of merely raising the topics for discussion offers very little downside as long as you are not improperly pushy as to the outcome that you desire.

Weekend Workshop is Taking Place

Interest in the workshop was much greater than I expected. We are now definately on for the event, and at this time we are completely booked with five couples scheduled to attend and three on the waiting list.

Thanks to everyone that expressed interest.

National TV Show Seeks Wife-led Household: $20,000 Participation Fee

I have been solicited by a national, prime-time television show to help them locate a family with a wife-led marriage to participate in an episode of their show, Wife Swap. I have done some minor due diligence, and I believe that the offer is genuine. I am posting a letter they have sent to me. Please contact me at Emily.Addison at gmail.com if you would like me to refer you to the casting producer. As part of full disclosure, please note that I will receive a modest referral fee for passing your name along.

Emily Addison

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I'm a Casting Producer with ABC and we're looking to feature families who live by the Submissive Husband philosophy for our hit family program, Wife Swap. We would love to meet families who are passionate about passing this philosophy on to others and we're looking for wholesome families who spend true quality time together and treasure good old fashioned values with their children.

In case you are unfamiliar with the show, Wife Swap is a family show on ABC primetime. The premise is simple: two moms from two very different families get the opportunity to swap lives for one week to experience what it's like to live a different lifestyle. This also provides them the chance to see what they can teach another family about their own philosophy. The goal of our show is for two families with different viewpoints on life and family to both give and take away something positive by “stepping outside the box” for one week.

We are looking for two parent families with children between the ages of 5 and 18 who have outgoing personalities! All featured families receive a $20,000 honorarium as a thank you for their ten day filming commitment.

I appreciate any help you can offer in reaching out to these families. I look forward to hearing from you!

Around Her Finger Weekend Workshop

We are in the preliminary stages of planning a three day workshop on the topic of Loving Female Authority for January 19th to 21st. Preliminary might be an understatement, as we have not decided for certain that we will actually go forward with the event. We do, however, want to solicit our readers to determine the level of interest before moving ahead.

The likely location would be a luxury resort property located in the Southeastern United States. Guests would arrive Friday January 19th, and we would convene for a welcome dinner that evening. Saturday would be filled with workshops, dinner again that night, and then a final group activity on Sunday before departing.

We would limit the attendance to no more than five couples (six including ourselves). This would be a not-for-profit event for Ken and I, but as best as we can tell at this point, the cost would be roughly $1,000 per couple. This would include the costs of the room, both dinners (excluding alcohol), lunch, breakfast, and the cost of the on-site meeting room.

We would first do telephone interviews with all the couples so that we know going into the event that everyone is roughly in the same stage of development in their LFA dynamic. Please email me regarding your interest directly at first.last at gmail.com (obviously substituting my own name in place of first.last).

Emily Addison

October 2006

Letters from Women

Dear Emily,

I recently was made aware of your site and wanted to share the details of how I met the man that brought it to my attention.

I often go the coffee shop near my home to read my newspaper. I tend to dress well in public, even for my trips to the coffee shop. On this morning I was wearing a pair of pumps that while very cute, were also very uncomfortable. I decided to reach down and remove them when I sat down so that I could get more comfortable with my paper. When I did so, I noticed that the younger man sitting near me seemed to take notice. Out of the corner of my eye I could see him staring at my feet over the laptop on which he was working .

This man was much younger than I am. I dont' think I look it all, but I just had my fifty-eighth birday last week. I have taken yoga for years, and I am very careful about what I eat. I have also had a couple of selective cosmetic procedures, so I believe I could pass for a woman in her early forties. That said, this man seemed to be in his late twenties or early thirties (He is, in fact, thirty-three). He was very well groomed, and he was a very good looking man. My first instinct when I saw him staring at my feet was that I might have imagined it. However, when I put my feet up on the coffee table in front of me, I unmistakeably saw him repeat his stare.

I was still certain that he did not know I had caught him staring. I decided to test it further. I stretched out one foot directly in front of me and rubbed it with my hands. This time I had to work hard to pretend not to notice his reaction. He was sitting up and he actually seemed like he took a deep breath to get control of himself. I was quite tickled that I seemed to be having this effect on him. I have been divorced for almost two years, and I was delighted by the attention I was receiving.

I then decided to try something even less subtle. A few minutes later, I allowed one of the sections of my paper to drop to the floor. Well, you cannot imagine how quickly he set down his laptop to pick up that newspaper. I thanked him, then introduced myself. We began to make small talk, and as we did, I made a point of calling attention to my feet. He made some very worthless attempts to hide his interest, but his eyes were letting him down. Emboldened by my certainty, I again stuck my foot out in front of me. I rubbed it telling him that I had done quite a bit of walking yesterday, and that my feet were very sore as a result. This made him very nervous, and he became toungue-tied trying to formulate a response. I pointed out that he seemed to be quite interested in my feet. I stared and smiled waiting for a response.

Later he would tell me that he was overcome with a desire to kneel in front of me and take my feet in his hands, rubbing them and kissing them. At the moment, however, he said nothing. I was nearly finished with my paper at this point, so I collected my things and told him that I must be going. I was hoping that he might ask for my number, but he was much too shy for this. I told him that I come to the coffee shop regularly and hoped to see him again.

Sure enough, the next morning he returned. When I walked into the shop, he was seated in the exact same location that he had been the day before. We again made some small talk, but this time he was prepared with some ideas about how to handle his reluctance to move beyond idle chatter. He admitted that he had in fact been staring at my feet the day before, and added that it was only because he considered them and me very attractive. He then asked if I might be willing to have a glass of wine with him that evening. I told him I had plans, but that the following evening was open. He took my number, but before he took his leave, he handed me a wonderful hand-written note.

In the note he apologized for his shyness the day before, and wanted to provide an explanation for his behavior. He said that he was overcome not only by my beauty, but by a certain confidence that I seemed to possess. He said that I was the sort of woman that men were eager to put on a pedestal and adore, and he hoped that he might have a chance to do just that. He said that a man is happiest when he puts a woman's happiness before his own, and that he wanted to explore this sort of relationship with me. Upon reading the note, I was quite anxious for him to call me. When he did, I thanked him for the note, and I made the comment that his thoughts seemed very well developed and articulated. He said that he had thought about what makes him happy for a very long time, and had developed this notion not only on his own, but through a number of websites that supported this theory. He mentioned yours by name.

He then went on to suggest that we meet at a restaurant very near my home for that glass of wine the next evening. I agreed to meet him, and when I hung up the phone, I immediately looked up your site. I was very surprised at what I saw. I thought that he clearly had a foot fetish, but was really not even aware that submissive men of the type you describe even existed. I knew that some men were attracted to the idea of dominant women, but I thought that fantasies of this sort were restricted to the professional dominatrix with whips and a leather outfit. Here was something completely unfamiliar to me. Your site described a type of man, of which he was one, that truly would take joy in pleasing a woman. This was something that had an instant appeal to me.

I opened the door when he arrived. He stood there holding flowers. I asked him to go put them in some water in the kitchen and then to open a bottle of wine that I had set out for us. I then took a chair in the sitting room. With him kneeling in front of me, I asked him to remove my shoes. As he removed the first, he closed his eyes and pressed the soul of my foot against his face. He placed gentle kisses along the length, beginning at the bottom of my heel and working towards my toes. These he put in his mouth one by one. I had never felt so adored by any lover.

I told him that I wanted to build a relationship with him based on his service and obedience to me. While we were certainly not in love, our relationship would have the quality of loving female authority, and I would reward his service by indulging his submission. I asked him to look at me and tell me that he understood that his total obedience would be required. He looked at me with such a sense of satisfaction as he told me that he would obey me and that he was grateful beyond words for the opportunity to serve me.

I pushed my legs apart. I allowed myself to slide forward so that my hips were against the edge of the chair, and I lifted my skirt to reveal my body to him. This began the first of what have been the most wonderful intimate moments that I have ever experienced. He is completely selfless in his attention to my physical pleasure. There is truly nothing he does not do for me. Very seldom do I allow our intimacy to put him in a position to climax. Typically, after I have been satisfied, I will tell him that I have had enough. I then spend wonderful moments in his arms while he kisses on my neck and strokes my hair as if we had just been together for the very first time. After all of these years of struggling with relationships in my life, I feel as if I have been given the secret to mutual happiness. By channeling a man’s passions into emotional energy rather than physical release, I have discovered a more satisfying outcome for both of us. It is a powerful magic that all women should learn.

Our relationship is not perfect, but this is due to circumstances and not your methods. For example, our age difference has caused enough unease that neither of us is comfortable in socializing with each others circle of friends. Our relationship is therefore private, and we may never evolve beyond this. For this reason, I am considering telling him that we should pursue separate relationships and explore whether or not we can maintain ours in parallel. I would love to keep his loyalty, but I am afraid that ten years from now this dynamic will begin to collapse, and I do not want to be responsible for wasting his relative youth.

For the time being, I am enjoying my emerging dominance, and he is embracing his submission. There are eveneings when I drink wine while reading, and he is content to rub and kiss my feet until I tell him it is time for bed. He loves to kiss my bottom while I drft off to sleep. He draws baths for me on weekend mornings and brings my coffee to me in the tub. It is really wonderful. I am quite certain that he has no inhibitions when it comes to my control over him, and I intend to explore activities with him that I have never felt comfortable with in the past.

Thank you again mentoring this young man for me. He is amazing.

Unsigned

Emily responds...

Your letter is atypical in that your relationship essentially began with him in service to you. I advocate an approach that builds loving female authority on top of an existing healthy relationship, but you seem to have made this dynamic work for you in your particular circumstances. I am delighted that you are enjoying your time with this man. I am also glad to hear that, having come to your own conclusion that the relationship may not be ideal for the long haul, have already thought about an exit strategy.

Enjoy this time. I know that he does. Also, bring forward these ideas and experiences into any new relationships that you have. You have discovered the joys of male submission, and it would be a pitty to settle for anything less.

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Dear Emily,

I have quite a bone to pick with you.

I feel as though your site has given my husband the false hope that I would be interested in a wife-led marriage. In fact, I have no interest at all in anything other than a marriage of equals. Why should he be expected to obey me? Why can't we just relate to each other as individuals and work together to realize our dreams and build our relationship?

We have been married for three years, and I can honestly say that we are the happiest, most loving couple that I know. We laugh, we communicate, we do things together. The idea of him submitting to me just is not what I signed up for when I agreed to marry him. I will admit that I have not read your entire website, but it didn't take long for me to get the idea. This is just not for me.

I would imagine that you get many letters from unhapy wives like me, and I would bet you never publish them. I hope you will publish mine as I think other men should really think twice before suggesting something like this to their wives.

Unsigned

Emily responds...

While we have received many letters from women that are hesitant and cautious about the concepts of loving female authority, yours is the first that I can remember that flatly rejected the concept without further consideration. I suspect, however, that others may have shared your reaction but not been inclined to write us. To that end, I am happy to publish your letter. I do hope that you will consider my response. As you know, I have also sent this response to you in email format and have included an electronic copy of the Around Her Finger book and my telephone number in that email. I am very interested in discussing this topic with you, and I hope that I get the opportunity to do so.

By your own admission you did not read our entire site. I think that this is unfortunate. I do hope that you will read my entire response as I can assure you that I am making a very sincere effort to craft a personal response that touches upon all your concerns.

First, consider that your husband had tremendous courage in bringing his desire for a wife-led relationship to your attention. I would imagine that he was fearful that his openness would generate a negative response from you, and in his case, he was very unfortunately correct. Very importantly, you should know that while his submission has likely been with him for a very long time, his desire to share this side of himself with you and to submit to you is first and foremost an expression of his love. Even if you ultimately decide that this dynamic is not something that you want to reconsider, do not punish him for opening up to you. His candor is not something for which he should feel ashamed, it is something for which he should be commended. Ask yourself if you have ever shared anything with him that might have changed the way he perceives you. Ask yourself if there are things about yourself that you have kept hidden for that very reason.

Second, know that just because you decide that you do not desire a wife-led marriage do not assume that your husband's desires will just now go away. He is submissive regardless of whether you decide to embrace this component of his persona. He can mask and hide his desire to submit to you, but he can no more make it go away than he can change the color of his eyes. Furthermore, it is not just a minor component of how he sees himself. Most submissive men think about their submission all the time. It is only once they embrace their submission and share it with the woman that they love that it becomes a positive part of their life rather than a constant, haunting desire. You said that nobody that you know is happier and more in love than the two of you. Your bond is so strong that your husband risked sharing this with you. While he is no doubt happy with the way he relates to you today, he obviously saw an opportunity to achieve a new level of happiness by introducing this relationship dynamic. He knows he could be happier. To me this an intense argument for an open mind on the subject. Simply stated, you can help fulfill your husband and create new happiness for him. This is one thing women have a difficult time understanding. While he will serve and obey you, he will be the one that takes the most pleasure from this service.

Finally, I want to address what I believe is, for most couples, the real barrier to loving female authority. You probably think that the whole thing is weird. I think that you believe that the bulk of the interactions with your husband will now be defined by the establishment of your new roles, and this is not something with which you are comfortable. Our experience, however is different. Over and over again, we see that 95% of the husband and wife interactions in wife-led marriages are just exactly as they were after the wife formalizes her authority as they were before she did so. Yes, sex will be more focussed on your pleasure and as a result you will both enjoy it more. Yes, your decisions will be respected in the household like never before. Yes, your husband will be more helpful around the house. Yes, he will be even more communicative and more affectionate. There are some modest changes that you will have to make, but the bulk of your day to day interactions will remain unchanged. We see this over and over again in letters that we receive from wives that give the dynamic a chance.

You began your letter by scolding me. I am guilty as charged in so much as I gave your husband the confidence to open up to you and share this very intimate secret. Remember, however, that he was in all likelihood submissive when you married him. Before he discovered this site he kept this secret from you. You have only been married three years. You will continue to learn more about him as you grow together, but you will learn more if you embrace him for who he is. There is much to know about being the wife of a submissive husband, and I want to share more with you. First, you need to take the first step. If not today, if not next month, if not next year, then sometime, you need to open your mind and your heart to your husband's unique gift.

You have my personal email and my phone number. Do not hesitate to contact me.

Letters from Men,

Dear Emily and Ken,

Thanks for your book.

My wife and I enjoyed reading it and we both loved boot camp. We agreed to continue a marriage based on your teachings....but it has gone off the rails and we are where we were before we read the book. Where we are is still a pretty good place...but not as good as boot camp. We are both not sure what has happened. Is this a common experience ? Is it hard to maintain the intensity of boot camp for longer ?

We have a number of explanations -

1. Life is busy and we get distracted and otherwise occupied, (both working) etc.

2. The thrill hard to maintain and we have unrealistic expectations.

3. Our natures are not truly dominant and submissive...and we revert to something else with time.

All or none of these explanations is plausible. Any thoughts you have on this would be great.

Thanks,

Tim

Ken responds...

First, I reject that your nature is not submissive. I believe that most men are submissive, and in your case, you even took an initiatve to introduce loving female authority to your wife. Of course you are submissive, you just become distracted and lose sight of your proper role in the marriage.

Your wife may not be naturally dominant, but her actions more than your own will continue to keep this dynamic healthy. She needs to continue to have expectations for your work around the house, and enforce those expectations with a tone and words that emphasize her authority over you. She also needs to sit you down occasionally and remind you that there is no turning back. Thirdly, and most importantly, she needs to implement more careful orgasm management over you. She should be receiving foot rubs, massages, and any form of sexual intimacy that she desires. In your case, your orgasms need to be fewer and farther between than they seem to be right now.

I know that maintaining this dynamic is not always easy for some couples. I also know that it is easier to give advice than it is to follow it in a busy life. That said, it is definately worth it when it all works out.

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Dear Emily and Ken,

I wrote to you once before about how the dynamics my wife and I have evolved in our marriage over the past year and a half come pretty close to being a wife-led marriage as described in "Around Her Finger". Your website helped me find the words to express what we had been moving toward, and to understand the desiresI have always had. Ken responded and encouraged me to find a time and tell her how I feel and how I would like her to lead our marriage.

Since that letter, I have been observing my wife very closely to see if she would be open to this as a permanent arrangement. I had half-convinced myself that my wife consciously knew what was going on as well. She had even initiated a conversation with me about how things are better now that I have given up the expectations I had been raised with, that as the man I was automatically the head of the household.

I decided I needed tell her the whole truth about what I am feeling. Instead of telling her I wanted to submit to her, I decided to tell her that I was already submitting to her, and to bring up how much we both seem to be enjoying things the way they are now and how this fulfills a deep need inside me. When I actually started the conversation, however, I got tounge-tied and when her first response was to say she wants us both to "call the shots".

I chickened out. I felt very panicky about it for a day or so, and I was convinced that now that I had partly brought it out in the open, she would stop acting in a dominant manner. She didn't. We carried on more or less as usual, and since then she has been a little more dominant each week. In fact, I am half-convinced (again) that now she really is "aware" of what is going on.

We were in a store recently, and she pointedout a t-shirt to me that had a picture of Pluto thed og and the words "I'm well trained! (Just ask mywife.)" She was so delighted with the shirt that she high-fived me in the store! So I considered this to be an encouraging sign that mywife would be open to this - yet I still find the prospect of telling her to be a very scary one. I guess the point of my letter is to see if either of you can give me any insight into what may be going on inside my wife's head. It seems to me that she understands what is going on between us as much as Ithink I do. It seems to me that she understands me, that she can see that I love to submit to her. It seems to me that she loves to be in the dominant position herself. Yet I am afraid that I could merely be doing a very good job at convincing myself that what I wish to be true is true.

Any advice would be very much appreciated.

Unsigned

Ken responds...

The only way to know what she is thinking, and for her to know what you are thinking, is to have an open and candid conversation with her. She deserves this.

You are learning what many men have learned. There is very little satisfaction that comes from stealth submnission. You need to feel the liberation that comes from the "you will obey" conversation. You need to have your orgasms managed. You need everything that comes from a wife-led marriage when both couples openly acknowledge their feelings and their roles.

You are lucky in that your wife has opened the door to this conversation with the way she high-fived you in the store. I don't doubt that there are other little signs which might have bopped you on the head, but you continue to ignore due to your fears.

Ask yourself, what's the worst that could happen if you are honest with her?

September 2006

Letters from Women

Dear Emily,

I wanted to write you to let you know about a step I recently took with my submissive husband to reinforce the idea that intimacy between the two of us is no longer a gaurantee that he will have an orgasm. I hope that this letter is not too sexually explicit for the boundaries you place on your site because I think this suggestion is worthwhile for other women.

We have been following the ideas in your book for some time. As such, our lovemaking always involves him spending a great deal of time giving me oral sex. Generally, he brings me to orgasm through oral sex alone. Then, because I really do crave intercourse at this point, we have sex. I will almost always start out thinking that I will not let him orgasm, but by the time that he does orgasm, I have usually not had enough. We have not always had this issue, but according to him, his providing me prolonged oral sex is such an incredible stimulation, that he just cannot keep going as long as he used to be able to last.

To solve this problem, I sat down at the computer with him and had him order us an assortment of adult toys. These included a variety of vibrators, one of which in particular is my favorite. Now, after he has gone down on me, I will most often have him use a toy on me instead of having sex with me. On those occasions where I decide he needs to have an orgasm, we will either have sex before or after using the toy.

There are couple of things I really like about this. One, I now always get the physical gratification that comes from vaginal penetration regardless of whether or not it is time for his orgasm or whether or not he can last as long as I would like him to last. Secondly, I feel like in using the toys, I send him a message that I can be physically satisfied without involving his penis. Don't get me wrong, there are times that I crave the emotional closeness that can only come from having him inside me, but that is different. My physical pleasure can now be separated from his, and we are both the better for it.

Have you heard similar feedback from other women?

Shelly in Illinois

Emily responds...

I think your suggestion is a good one and helps to drive home a key point about how to make this dynamic work. You absolutely have to maintain intimacy, but you also have to disassociate it with his orgasm. The intimacy is for your mental, emotional and physical satisfaction, but for him... the physical satisfaction must be managed. Controlling his orgasms actually intensifies the mental and emotional pleasure that he gains from the intimacy and makes it a more meaningful experience for both of you. The vibrators are a great way to make sure that everyone is getting what they need. After all, your physical satisfaction should certainly not be a function of his ability to hold off on having an orgasm. Men who have their orgasms managed for extended periods are not likely to last very long once they do get to engage in intercourse. The use of adult toys is a good suggestion and definately worth sharing with the community of visitors to this site.

---

Dear Emily,

I am writing with what I think is an important suggestion/reminder for women practicing orgasm [management] with their husbands.

Even before we practiced loving female authority, we abstained from sex during my menstrual period. (This is not entirely true as I would occasionally give him oral sex, but obviously, those days are over.) This practice continued after we first started practicing your methods, but I found that he seemed to fall of the wagon as far as being obedient and attentive during this time of the month. However, he shared something with me recently that has fixed this problem.

The issue was that because I was not interested in sex during my period, I would simply ignore him. I assumed that this period of abstinence was enough to "manage" his orgasm. However, he has told me that at least in his case it was not. He asked if I could tease him a little during the week of my period. Now we snuggle and kiss and I stroke him (but never to climax) before we drift off to sleep at night. This, according to him, makes all the difference in the world. Based on his behavior, I would have to agree.

Maybe you have already commented on this, but I thought it was worth sharing.

Elizebeth

Emily responds...

Actually, I don't know that we have ever come out and made this specific recommendation as it relates to that time of the month, but it is certainly consistent with our thinking. It is a major element of our approach that the mere absence of sex and the actual management of orgasms are not the same thing. A woman absolutely must be engaged in intimate behavior with her husband in which he does not have an orgasm in order for the practice to be effective.

Good letter. Keep the suggestions coming our way.

-----

Dear Emily,

Without any questions, my husband is more attentive, affectionate and loving when I do not allow him to climax than when I do. This seems great, but why should he only act this way when I'm manipulating his brain chemistry (your words not mine)? Why can't he be like all the time no matter what happened in the bedroom the night before?

Unsigned

Emily responds...

Oh, if it could only be so. Human beings by our nature are subject to mood swings. Be grateful that you understand how to manage his. If, however, his behavior is sufficiently unsatisfactory on the days following his orgasms, then you still need to take corrective measures.

Begin by telling him how this makes you unhappy and how you are going to do something about it. First, put some more distance between his orgasm. If he currently climaxes every third time you have sex, make it every fourth. Second, tell him that he will have to earn his next orgasm by having consistent good behavior. Thirdly, make sure that following his orgasms, you continue to receive some intimate pleasures from him. Be as bold with this as you choose, but at a minimum, he should provide you a massage as a token of his gratitude. Do not simply let him drift off to sleep as he would no doubt like to do.

Let us know how this works out.

Letters from Men

Dear Emily and Ken,

One of the letters in your recent update really got me thinking, and I wanted to share a recent experience with you and ask a related question. The letter I am talking about is the one where the woman was flirting with the graduate student tutoring her class, and her husband encouraged her to continue with this behavior.

First, let me give you a little background. Although I am extremely extroverted and most people I know would never suspect it, I have been a closet submissive for as long as I can remember. For a long time I thought that I would grow out of this or be able to suppress it if just I got busy with my life. I married a beautiful (but traditional) woman, started a family, buried my head in my career, and just generally plowed ahead with my dreams. Despite all this activity, I never was able to completely supress my submissive nature. In one way or another it kept surfacing in my desires and behaviors. I developed some bad habits, and it has only been since I discovered your site that I have been able to make peace with my nature.

I finally realized that I could channel my submission into positive, relationship-building activities with my wife. I was worried that my wife's conservative nature would be the only thing stopping me. Up until the day that I handed her the book and confessional CD's along with a heart-felt card asking her to read and listen to them with an open mind, I had never imagined that she would accept my submission. However, after coming clean about my true feelings , this opened up channels of communication with her that I think we could never have had in the past. She understands so much more about me, and she has lovingly adopted the authority in our marriage as a means of making us closer. We have now been living a wife-led marriage for almost a year. During that time, she has becoming increasingly comfortable in her role as the dominant wife, and I have become increasingly comfortable in my role as the submissive husband. While she first tried to put the dynamic on autopilot, she no longer does. She constantly reinforces my need for her loving female authority with to-do lists, open and direct reminders of our roles (i.e. commands to do things, reminders of who is in charge), and [orgasm management]. She has become dominant even beyond my initial dreams, and I am certain we could never go back to the way things were before (and they were good then too!).

So that brings me to why I am writing. At the beginning of the summer, we were spending a week at the beach with another family that we have known for some time. One night, after the kids were all in bed and the parents had knocked off a couple blenders full of margaritas, something happened that had a strange effect on me. My wife was sitting next to the other husband, let's call him Jack, when Jack sort of twisted his shoulder and said that he was still hurting from a fall he had taken on a boogie board earlier in the day. My wife reached her hands up and started rubbing his shoulders. It was no big deal, and there was nothing overtly sexual about it. She just rubbed his shoulders and told him he just needed a good massage and another margarita. She gave me a certain look and told (not asked, but told) me to get up and make Jack another margarita. I did as she asked like I always do (the other couple has absolutely no idea about how our relationship has changed other than the fact that I am much more helpful than before). She probably rubbed his shoulders for ten minutes, and I don't honestly think that Jack or his wife thought that it was anything more than just the simple, friendly shoulder rub that it was.

For me, however, I remember thinking that it really excited me to watch my wife massaging this other man. I have thought about it from time to time, and then was reminded of it when I read last month's letters update. You said that many submissive men are excited when their wives flirt with or are flirted with by other men. I am not suggesting that she was flirting, but in a sense I guess that it had the same effect and I felt that same sense of excitement. I didn't understand it at the time, and still do not really understand it, but I wanted to write to let you know about it and to see if you thought that this reaction was something that I should share with my wife. She also reads your letters section, so if you publish a response, I think she'll know that this letter came from me. I will leave it up to you as to how you want to handle the reply.

Doug

Emily responds...

The letter to which you refer generated quite a bit of email. By virtue of the fact that I am publishing your letter you can see that I feel there is no harm in bringing your feelings to your wife's atention. In fact, I believe that husbands are obligated to share their feelings with their wives. Wives are better equipped to deal with emotional issues such as these, and they can help their husbands grapple with feelings that they may not understand.

The shoulder rubbing incident was perfectly harmless. However, the fact that she was rubbing his shoulders as she reinforced your submission with the special loook and the command to bring the drink had a heightened effect on your submissive nature. This is because the act of her rubbing another man's shoulders is symbolic to you, at some level, of her sexual power. She can touch (i.e. flirt with) another man, and you will still obey and submit to her. She is completely free to do as she likes, even as it relates to other men, but you on the other hand are free to do only what she will allow you to do.

In light of the circumstances, please consider that the fact that she gave you that look and the command suggests that she was putting your needs to sense her authority at the forefront, not your friend's need for a simple shoulder rub. She may have consciously or unconsciously understood the emotional impact that this had on you, and was exploiting it for your benefit. Since she is now likely to read this letter, she may even seek similiar opportunities in the future. I am ok with this in principle, as long as she keeps you and your relationship and your sense of submission as her primary motivator.

Now that I have addressed your specific circumstances, let me also state a few key beliefs that I have that may help provide yourself and others with some clarity regarding my perspective on this broader topic. I believe that absolute trust in any marriage, including wife-led marriages, is paramount to its long-term health and success. I do not suggest that wives make a habit of flirting with other men and damn the consequences. In loving female authority, a husband has many obligations to his wife; this is obvious. A wife, however, also has many obligations to her husband. For example, I have written in the past how a wife must continually make overt gestures of her authority that appeal to her husband's submission. I would also add to this that she must always make her husband the centerpiece and focus of her intimacy. As I stated, I believe you were in fact the center of intimacy in the aforementioned shoulder rubbing incident. If your wife chooses to engage in similar activities in the future, no matter what they be, she should only do so in so much as it it for your mutual benefit.

Just because a woman has the freedom to do whatever she chooses does not mean that she should make choices that ignore her husband's best interests. She should love and respect him enough to always maintain that primary goal of building upon the intimate bond between husband and wife.

-----

Dear Ken,

Feel free to publish the attached before and after photos. At the risk of sounding like a weight loss commercial, I have some very good news to report. Not only did I manage to lose 70 pounds in six months, I also managed to successfully introduce my wife to loving female authority.

When my wife and I married seven years ago, we were a trim, fit, and very healthy couple. However, as a result of a busy work schedule and horrible eating habits, I managed to put on about eighty pounds since we got married. I used my weight as an excuse to introduce loving female authority to my wife, and I asked her to please help me where I had been unable to help myself.

She put me on a strict diet and exercize program that worked wonders. The results, both from a physical and a relationship standpoint, have been pretty dramatic. Jenny Craig better watch her back!

Terry in Orlando

Ken responds...

Terry, while I am reluctant to publish any photos that we receive, I am certainly happy to publish your letter. It is amazing what men can accomplish when we submit to the women in our lives.

-----

Dear Emily and Ken,

First of all I want to tell you both that I really enjoy your web site. I think you are doing a great job with it. I was wondering if I may ask you for some advice. I am trying to get my wife to take charge and lead our home, specifically our sex life. I am more than willing to let her manage my orgasms. I am sure this would add spark to our lives, but so far she is resisting to take the control. Do either or both of you have any suggestions that would help me?

I would greatly appreciate any advice either or both of you would give.

Thanks,

Doug

Ken responds...

Doug, you tell us that your wife is resisting, but you tell us very little about how you approached her. Bear in mind that of all the foot-in-the-door opportunities for yielding control to our wives, her willingness to manage your orgasms is hardly the easiest point of entry.

Go back to your wife and acknowledge that your request seems a little strange. Make sure that she understands that you take incredible pleasure from being intimate with her, but you are tired of the "post orgasm" blues that come from male sexual release. Explain that withholding the orgasm is a way of continuing the sense of an intimtae connection with her. Tell her that you love intimacy with her no matter how she chooses to respond, but that you would just like her to be open to the idea of having her decide to stop you once in a while. It will then be up to you to demonstrate how much more affectionate, helpful and communicative you are in the hours and days that follow her decisions to hold back on your orgasms. Ease her into orgasm management and your chances of success will be much higher.

Next, go back and re-read the site. Re-read this letters section. Consider buying our book. You need a slower, more considered approach to the broader issue of loving female authority. There are no magic, overnight solutions for most men. It is a long, patient, but ultimately very worthwhile journey that you are taking.

August 2006

Letters from Women

Hi Emily, This is Jessica. You may remember a couple of months ago when I wrote you and asked advice on a dispute my hubby and I were having considering whether our five year old would go the expensive private school that I wanted or the public school which my husband desired. Well I basically followed your advice and wanted to tell you the results.

A couple of weeks ago I simply made the decision for us and went to the private school and filled out the paperwork and left them a down payment. In the week preceding this action on my part, I had been playing the role of a tease to my husband, constantly giving him sexual innuendos and the occassional sensual caress and love pats, but denied him any real sexual intimacy or release. By about the 7th or 8th day of these actions he was really going nuts and eating out of the palm of my hand, doing anything to please me. The same night that I had been to the school I had him give me a sensual massage in our bed, while I wore nothing but a G-string.

While massaging me I made the comments about how I so loved being in control in our marriage, and that I had never been happier, and he agreed. When he finished I instructed him to pull off my G-string and as he did so, I told him how I had went to the school and made the down payment. He flinched for a moment but then looked lovingly into my eye and said, "Well of course it was your decison to make, Dear, and if that's your decision I will support you."

Well, right after that, Emily, we had the most wonderful night of passion we'd ever had. We made love with me on top and both felt afterwards like I had just merged him completely into me, and broken him of any resistance he would ever have to my authority. Words can't describe what we both experienced that night, it was simply awesome. Since then he has been servicing me on an unbelievable level, not only carrying out my instructions but not even having to ask him to do something in the first place.

On a completely different topic I want to ask you about a situation I have at my college where I am finishing up a degree. I needed to get a tutor for one of my classes and was assigned to one, but it was in a group session. I found that the tutor was not giving me enough individual attention, and felt he seemed irritated at my constantly asking him questions.

Well, last week, merely by accident, I went to the session wearing a sexy revealing tank top and short jean skirt, and his attitude was completely changed. He was constantly at my beck and call, almost to the point that I was embarrased for him because the others needing tutoring seemed to notice the disproportionate treatment I was getting. Several times I caught him staring at my legs or stealing glimpses down my top. Ordinarily I might have been offended, but it is an advanced math class and I really need the help!

I felt a little guilty about manipulating this man and told my husband about the incident. To my surprise, my husband encourged me to keep this up until the semester was over, telling me its just harmless fun and that I really did need to make sure I passed the class, so why not? He even took me shopping to buy a couple of sexy outfits to wear! Emily, my basic question is: Should I feel guilty about manipulating a man in this way to get him to do my tutorial bidding? I am after all married and have no real intention of giving him what he wants, but this whole experience has me feeling so empowered. I'm really enjoying it!

Should I keepit up, just to get the grade, or should I cool it out of principal?

Thanks in advance for the advice,

Jessica

Emily responds...

Jessica, this is a wonderful letter in so many ways. I have gone back and re-read your original letter as it was posted in the March 2006 letters section. I saw that you already had an established, if not perfect, wife-led marriage prior to this incident. I think it is wonderful that you used orgasm management techniques to achieve your goals with your submissive husband. We all forget at times that submissive men, like all men, can be moody. While submissive men know on many levels - intellectually, emotionally, and even spiritually - that they are happier when in a state of submission to their wives, they are still vicitms of their own male temper and emotions. While this is understandable, it is not acceptable. You took the right actions in bringing your husband back to the submissive role in which he belongs and most importantly that he desires. You did not make the mistake of misinterpreting his defiance as a sign that he was becoming less enthusiastic about a wife-led relationship. You interpreted it as a short-term frustration and dealt with it accordingly. Next time you may choose to deal with his attitude problems more firmly at the time he disobeys you. Either approach will work.

Secondly, the story of your husband's enthusiasm for your flirtatious behavior with this male tutor is quite interesting. It is very typical that submissive men are excited by expressions of their wive's sexuality outside the marriage. Many submissive men report that they become aroused and their submission intensified when they observe other men flirting with their wives and vice versa. Just be very, very careful as you are playing with fire and should keep the loving relationship with your husband as your ultimate objective.

-----

Dear Emily,

I have a question for you. My husband had told me over a year ago that he wanted me to assume the position of head of the household. He explained, even if I still do not totally understand it, that he had been submissive all is life and that his submission to me is an expression of love for me. I read the Around Her Finger book, kept an open mind, and agreed to everything that you recommended.

For the most part, it has been great. It has been even better than I expected. He is more willing to talk and communicate, much more helpful around the house, less argumentative and overall, just a better husband. Sometimes, though, he doesn't seem to be with the program. Just the other day he snapped at me when he saw that I had purchased some expensive houseplants I had been wanting.

Was his submission a passing fad? What can I do? I was getting way too used to the new him.

Kelly in Virginia

Emily responds...

As I pointed out in my response to the last letter, submissive men are just like all men, and their day to day lives can drive mood swings that can cause lapses in their submission. Recharge your husband's batteries by having him kneel before you and reminding him of your respective roles in the marriage. Tell him again how he wanted a wife-led marriage, and now he has one. Give him a long list of tasks to complete and explain that you want intimate massages from him every night until you, and you alone, decide that he is attitude is sufficiently repaired that you will allow him his own sexual release.

-----

Dear Emily and Ken,

I've just read and reviewed a book called The Surrendered Wife by Laura Doyle. It's concepts remind me of Around Her Finger, except one major difference: Doyle claims it should be the husband who manages everything, and the wife should say, and I quote, "Whatever you think," to all his decisions. This, according to her, makes him feel more masculine and lets him know she values, trusts, and respects his decisions. However, since I've been using the Around Her Finger strategies, my marriage has been fulfilling for both my husband and me. And no, we're not going to give up our happy marriage to try this!

I'm just wondering how or why this author can claim such success with her Man-in-control-and-woman-following-along-like-a-puppy method. She claims over 100,000 women have tried being Surrendered Wives and found success. She also claims to be a feminist and "former shrew," as she puts it. She does say the wife should relinquish "inappropriate control," but also that "If you think you're going to surrender in every way but financially, think again." So she truly does want the man doing everything and the woman just going along with whatever he says. Sorry, but I don't think so!

But can she claim this because all marriages are different, and there might actually be men who can be the head of a household? Or is it just a crock of bull in the form of another author expressing her extremely biased opinion? (One more thing, she says this is Biblical, which it is, but who ever said the Bible wasn't open to interpretation!) I truly don't get it. Any help would be great.

Thanks,

Very disturbed . . .

Crystal

Emily responds...

I have passed on responding to Surrendered Wives questions on this forum for a very long time, but I believe that it is only right that I address the subject.

One of the central problems that wife-led marriages solve is that the burden of negotiating decision-making in a relationship is lifted when the husband surrenders control to his wife. Logic dictates that this problem could as easily be solved by a wife surrendering control to her husband instead of the other way around. Why then, do I believe that this does not work?

As Ken and I write about in our books, we believe that woman are more naturally suited to decision-making then men. They tend to be less impulsive and more apt to consider all sides of an argument before making a decision. They are much more likely to consider the longer-term consequences of their decisions and take the impact of those decisions on others into account. While there are exceptions to every rule, the general superiority of female vs. male decision-making and problem solving is well supported by contemporary research and is increasingly the consensus thinking on the topic of gender and its impact on leadership.

However, I strongly believe that even in marriages which represent an exception to the above rule, women should still occupy the position of head of the household. This is because the impat of loving female authority on a marriage represents a catalyst for positive changes in the relationship that male authority and female submission can never replicate. A surrendered husband will be more affectionate, more communicative, and more focussed on the relationship as a result of his role in the marriage. This has been documented time and time again in the letters to this site and to the growing body of anecdotal evidence on the topic. Loving female authority channels the sexual energy of the submissive husband into emotional intimacy that makes the couple closer than they could ever be in its absence. Submissive wives, on the other hand, are prone to be less communicative than a wife in a traditional, shared-authority, marriage. Male authority is autocratic and one dimensional. Female authority is a growth experience for both spouses.

While the success of this site is evidence that many men are seeking out wife-led marriages, the success of Ms. Doyle's book is evidence that many women also desire the submissive role. This is unfortunate. However, as the world around us continues to evolve, more and more women will become bold about their desire to lead, and more and more men will feel the confidence required to submit. I have said before that men, in overwhelming numbers and perhaps without exception, are born with an emotional predisposition to be led by women. For cultural reasons, many men never allow themselves the luxury of indulging this desire. I think the growing ranks of submissive husbands is a function of the fact that more and more men have the courage to face this reality.

As to the Biblical implications of these two competing marriage dynamics, I will leave that to the theologins. I know that Ken and I, both serious and avid Christians, see nothing inconsistent with our beliefs on wife-led marriages and our core spiritual values.


Letters from Men


Dear Emily and Ken,

Thank you for maintaining such a wonderful and comprehensive site for so many years. I am a long time visitor and an continually amazed at the effort you put in to your work. I have learned a lot from you.

Now I am hoping you can assist me with a situation that is years in the making. First let briefly me tell you about myself. I am a 38 y/o physically fit guy. I work in management for a large company, and have been with them quite a while. I am fairly well respected, semi-intelligent, and come across as confident.

In the years I have been with this company, I have become pretty close friends with one of the women who reports to me. We have become close enough that she often confides in me concerning issues outside of work. I do the same with her. This has been going on for years now. We go to lunch together, fairly often, and yes, there is flirting on both of parts. I think it is safe to say that I am much more attracted to her, then her to me. However, I do know that she likes me as a person and trust me as a friend and a boss. I do not for a minute envision ever having an intimate relationship with this woman. That is not the goal of all this. I greatly enjoy her company and want to make her life easier.

I think you know where this is heading. I have an overwhelming desire to serve this woman, on any level. I am not the type of guy who gets this feeling about every attractive woman I meet, either. I believe she is open minded enough that she could be shown the benefit in having a guy who would do anything for her. Even better for her, if that guy is her boss. When I say "anything", I am talking about running errands for her, doing paperwork for her, simple things for starters. Knowing her like I do, I think this is entirely feasible and is something she would really appreciate. She is the type of woman that deserves to be spoiled, and I feel I am in a good position to do my part in spoilng her. Further, I think she would take to it like a duck to water, if I could just get through the most difficult first steps.

My dilemna is that I have no clue how to approach this. For instance, when she is at her PC at work and I am nearby, and hear her say she printed something. I rush across the room to the printer, and hand deliver her printouts to her, before she even has a chance to get up. I get a thank you in return.. Once I got a "good boy:, and I took that as a sign of hope. My response was a sarcastic "yes ma'am" I figure if I do things like this enough, she might come to expect or request it. Maybe I'm off base here, as it hasn't happenned yet. The day she calls me and tells me (not asks) to go run this errand for her, is the day that I feel like real progress has been made. I am just not sure how to ever ensure that, that day comes.

I am limited by much if the general advice I have read here, because of the work relationship. I am her boss and I have to be very careful on how to approach this type of situation. Also, I should mention she is married. Not a perfect marriage and there is no female dom aspect in that marriage at all. I have a strong sense that she would really get in to a situation where a man would fawn over and spoil her on command. I think if the cards were played right, it could come to that. My problem? I don't play cards very well. I cannot just approach her one day and say "hey can I rub your feet:" or "can I take your dry cleaning in for you today?" I just can't do that. I need more little subtle ways of getting her to the point where she would be comfortable asking or telling me to do these things for her. I believe she knows very little about female domination and I would like to be able to anonsymously refer her to some articles that would get her mind in the right place,. Make no mistake, she is a powerful woman, just waiting for enlightenment, I don't believe she has any clue of the benefits she could easily extract from men like me. And I equally believe if she knew the power she possessed, she would love to use it. If she were to get to this level, I would really feel like I did her a favor.

So how can I pursue this gently and where my job won't be jeopardized? What little hints can I drop? What little things can I do to let her know: "I want to do what you say, you are the boss"???

I realize some women are just never going to realize the power they possess, but I believe this one wants too and would be a natural. It's just a matter of getting her there. Can you help?

Unsigned

Emily responds...

Ken had originally written a reply to your letter, but I rejected it. As you know, I emailed you with some additional questions, and I now understand that you have taken no bold steps to introduce loving female authority to your wife. That said, I am ready with my reply.

In Ken's response, he had suggested a series of steps to slowly build toward a submissive dynamic with this woman. I reject that approach outright. You are free to fantasize about serving this woman, but your actions should not reflect these desires. Business is business, and I absolutely abhor any plans you may have to formalize a submissive role with this woman.

Instead, I advise you to be courageous in your marriage. Follow the lead of the many brave men that have written this site. Share your thoughts, feelings and desires with your wife. She deserves honesty from you, and this is the only relationship which will ultimately satisfy your very sincere sense of submission.

-----

Dear Emily and Ken,

First, I want to thank you for your site. What you have done in providing this information is a wonderful service for men like me, and it has helped me beyond words. For nearly all of my 33 years of marriage I have been aware of my submissive desires towards my wife and we had role-played this at various times, but only in the bedroom. Once we became "empty nesters" about 8 years ago, my wish to submit to my wife's authority only grew in intensity. I made some bungling mistakes in trying to express this to her. These included my writing a letter which was rather sexually explicit. This ended up in some discussion, discomfort on her part, and no action. These attempts were several years ago, and I had all but given up on experiencing this kind of relationship in our otherwise strong and loving marriage.

I had been engaging in stealth submission, but found myself getting resentful because she wouldn't respond how I had it played out in my mind. I would give up for periods of time, or I would become distant for periods of time, and I'm sure she never knew why.

Then I happened across your site. I took a chance one evening and showed her. She read the site with me sitting nearby. She said nothing as she looked over the site for about 45 minutes, then turned to me and said, "So this is what you really want." I nervously and sheeplishly told her that I wanted this very much. She said she'd think about it. While she was "thinking" I did my best to show her I meant it and I began volunteering foot massages, handed over the TV remote, she began picking where we'd go when we went out, I went out of my way to do even more chores, make her comfortable in the evening, etc.

We talked about it again and she said she'd give it a try. That was about 6 months ago, and things are progressing very well. She has taken complete control in the bedroom, chooses what I am to wear if we're going out, decides what chores need to be done, maintains a chore list for me, etc. Recently we took things to another level when I told her that I craved being punished by her. I had told her this before, but she had told me that "I am a nice person, and I don't want to punish you." This time I had made up a list of what might be characterized as more symbolic punishments that I was look for her to consider. I gave her the list. Again she said she'd think about it. I did not pressure her.

Just last week (about 2 weeks after we had the talk about punishment) she surprised me by having me stand before her while she told me I had to be punished, and she had me tell her what I'd done wrong. She gave me the "sentence," telling me that I was not able to sleep in HER bed that night and I was to go to a spare bedroom. She did this very sternly. I am not able to explain this through my own efforts at self-examination, but I felt wonderful in accepting this discipline from her. The next day I told her how much it had meant to me, and I have felt even closer to her ever since--if that is possible. I cannot explain how important this one step was in our developing relationship, but it made me feel so loved by her to have her punish me. Since then she has commented about the possible need to punish me in the future. I have told her that on one hand I don't want to displease her, but on the other hand I crave being disciplined by her again.

I am so happy that I found your site and that the use of this site helped her understand me and this need in an altogether different manner than I had been able to express to her in the past. I am now so excited to see her every day and to be with her wherever we're going and whatever we're doing. I truly feel like I did back in our dating days. I asked her over the weekend if she was okay with where we were at in our marriage, and she said "Oh, yes!"

There are of course many other details of how things have developed and are handled now in and out of the bedroom, but suffice it to say that I believe that she is enjoying the authority and finding that it is a benefit to her. For me, I have never been happier.

A couple questions: Do you find that the discipline/punishment element is important to most submissive men? Do you reccomend certain methods or ways of handling this? Thanks.

Sincerely,

Tom

Ken responds...

I hope you will indulge me by first allowing me to share some of the philosophical ideas that drive the selection of letters that we publish on these pages and our responses to those letters.

We receive many letters from men that ask us to address questions for which the subject matter does not contribute to the principle reason for this site's existence, that being an introduction to loving female authority for women completely unfamiliar with the concept. For that reason we have made some effort to focus on positive terminology and avoid words with negative connotations. That is why, for example, we now talk about a woman's management of her husband's orgasms for their mutual benefit as opposed to her denying his orgasms.

The very word "punishment" would seem to have negative associations to many newcomers, so it is not a concept we have chosen to discuss. However, we cannot deny that the idea of being punished by one's wife has tremendous appeal to many submissive men. It represents demonstrable and highly satisfying evidence of her authority. I liked your letter, and have therefore chosen to share it with others, because the punishment that your wife has chosen for you is the very thing that you crave the most... her physical presence. This separation will only serve to heighten your desire to have her close to you, and will intensify your desire to obey her completely. Just be certain that the privacy that your separation affords you does not tempt you to seek your own self-release via masturbation. All submissive men know what an orgasm can do to take the intensity out of your submissive desires.

Ken

July 2006

Letters from Women

Dear Emily,

A friend of mine at work told me that her husband bought her your book and asked her if she was willing to give all your ideas a try. I have been hearing stories about their "Boot Camp" for the last couple of weeks, and it's apparently going very well. However, this is not the point of my letter.

One night, I told my husband about all of this. He doesn't know this woman, so I didn't feel too guilty telling him. Honestly, I just told him because I thought he would get a kick out of it and think that it was funny. His reaction really surprised me. He said that he understood it completely and was always turned on by the idea of being controlled by a woman. He had never mentioned anything about this to me in the past. We have never even done the handcuff thing in the bedroom.

I sort of let it slide, but he has kept bringing it up by asking how my friend is doing with it. My question to you is whether or not you think my husband might be submissive. I would love to get your thoughts.

Unsigned

Emily responds...

I do think your husband is submissive. I happen to think most men have submissive feelings, some just suppress them more than others. In your husband's case, he is opening the door to you. The next time he mentions the topic, tell him you want him to read through the website (he may have already done so) and get his thoughts.

Assuming that his enthusiasm remains in place, take the steps that we recommend to assume a leadership role in the home. You should not have to be the one that initiates this dynamic in your marriage, but it appears to me that your husband desires it, and I think you will both be better off for exploring it together.

One final thought, you mentioned that your husband had always been "turned on" by the idea of a woman controlling him. It is important to realize that loving female authority is more than just a sexual dynamic, it is a relationship dynamic with a sexual component. While he is undoubtably turned-on by the idea of submitting to you, the desire to serve you is deeper and more comprehensive than you might even realize. As you grow into this relationship with your husband, you will come to understand this very well.

Good luck.

-----

Dear Emily,

My husband and I married eighteen years ago. Up until three years ago, we had a very typical marriage and a reasonably healthy sex life. At that time I was diagnosed with breast cancer and went through a very difficult year before I was able to beat the disease and start to get my life back to normal.

During the illness, my husband was very supportive and very loving. After I was well into my recovery, he remained so. However, there was now very little sexual intimacy in our marriage. It was as if he had stopped thinking of me romantically during that time. This went on for a very long time, and while we did have sex a few times during this period, it was always because I initiated it, and it seemed very inhibited relative to our old love life.

At the beginning of this year, he presented me with the confessional CD and the Around Her Finger book. While I admit that I was totally taken back, I was very open-minded about the ideas, and was honestly impressed that he chose to communicate these feelings with me. We implemented the ideas that you suggested in your materials, and we were both incredibly happy with the results.

Loving female authority allowed us the opportunity to regain the intimacy that the long illness had robbed from our marriage. If anything surprised me by following your program, it was the degree to which the new dynamic served as an aphrodesiac to both of us. There is something incredibly sexy about control and obedience. It also opened up dialogue and communication in a way that I did not anticipate.

I have no particular questions, I just wanted to write to thank you for your site and encourage other women to be open-minded to these ideas. They have certainly worked for us, even under extraordinary circumstances.

Paige in California

Emily responds...

Thank you for your wonderful letter. I am very pleased to read about your recovery as well as the renewal of intimacy after your ordeal. You and your husband are a very fortunate couple. It is important that others read success stories such as yours and know that these opportunities exist in their own marriages as well.

-----

Dear Emily,

I have a question you can help me with. Our oldest son, who is attending college, will be home for several weeks before he returns to school. In the past, when our sons were home, my husband and I have been very careful not to reveal to much about my role as the head-of-the-house. But several days ago my husband asked me if I would allow him to be more open about his role. He would prefer our son know that their father willingly does all of the housework, the bulk of the cooking, and defers all the major decisions to me. I suspect both our sons know, and have known, their father is very submissive to me, but he has never been completely open with them about his household responsibilities. What do you think?

I am agreeable but wonder about any lasting ramifications. Both my sons are much more like me than their father -outgoing, self-assured, intelligent, attractive - but I do not want to embarrass them by revealing too much about their father's submissiveness. I would love to hear you opinion.

Wendy in Texas

Emily responds...

Wendy, my instinct would be to not discuss these issues with your children. They should be able to see that their father respects his mother, contributes to the household chores, and treats all women with the dignity they deserve. Knowledge of the deeper dynamics of your wife-led relationship would, in opinion, only serve to confuse them. Consider all the care that most men undertake when introducing loving female authority to their wives because they are afraid of how it may be misinterpreted. I would be at least as concerned about misunderstandings and misinterpretations with your grown children.

If they should ever approach him with specific questions, he might choose to be more candid. However, under the circumstances, I can see no good reason to volunteer these details of your relationship.

-----

Letters from Men

Dear Emily and Ken,

I am almost shocked at the existence of your website. I thought I was the only one that craved this sort of information. I have been VERY aware that I was submissive as long as I can remember. In my early twenties, years before the internet even existed, I would seek out pornographic material related to dominant female women as I thought that this was the answer to these feelings that I had. It wasn't. I soon became bored with it, and was left with no way to deal with these thoughts.

As the internet has come along, I have gone back to dabbling in the pornography, but I have a very definate sense that it seems to not only be out of step with my values, but it also does nothing but leave me feeling empty. This is why I say that I am shocked by the existence of your site. It is different from anything that I have ever seen before.

I bought your book and gave it to my wife to read. I guess I am surprised to say that she is willing to try the Boot Camp. We are going to start it when we get back from a vacation after the week of July 4th. Your other readers might be interested to know that I thought there was a very small chance that my wife would be open to these ideas. It was only the weight of thirty-plus years of carrying the burden of my submission in secret that gave me the confidence to share the book with her.

I will let you know how it goes.

Carl in Long Island

Ken responds...

I think that there are very few men that have a high degree of confidence that there wives will be open to loving female authority when they share these ideas with them. Despite this reality, we have received letters every month since we have been running this letters section from men and women that have embraced the model of the wife-led marriage for the first time. Let us know how your Boot Camp goes and how it ends up resulting in long-term changes in your marriage. I have every confidence that it will be a positive experience for both you and your wife.

-----

Dear Ken,

Thanks for your words of advice a couple of months ago (I'd made a financial mess and handed control to my wife - remember?). Everything is so much better now, and she has whipped our accounts into shape (and me in the process, and I love it!).

An online discussion raged hotly on the Sydney Morning Herald website here today that I thought you would be very interested in - it dealt with "Who Wears the Pants in your relationship?" and the number of clearly dominant women and acquiescent men who came out of the woodwork was quite a revelation!

http://blogs.smh.com.au/samandthecity/archives/2006/06/who_wears_the_p.htmlcheers,Mark (melbourne)

Mark in Melbourne

Ken responds...

Great news on your relationship with your wife, Mark. Your experience is more evidence that yielding financial control opens the door to marital control. I also loved the article for which you submitted the link. Maybe our readers will take a moment to email the author and let her know that resources such as our site exist to help the men that are actively seeking relationships like those described in the article.

-----

Dear Ken,

Wow! Finally a site that discusses submissive husbands and their desire to serve their wives without all the hard core porn stuff. Thanks. I've ordered your book and downloaded your CDs and am figuring out how to proceed.

The difficulty lies in previous attempts at submission. I do all the housework, cleaning, bill paying, lawn mowing, etc so there is little reason for her to "control" me in an attempt to relieve her of household duties. A lack of sex drive doesn't lead to any extra benefits for her in the bedroom except me not initiating sex.In a nutshell, I really enjoy submitting to her and love it when she controls our sexual intimacy. The problem is that she has little or no sex drive which results in her not "thinking sexually" (her words) and virtually no desire to tease me and deny me orgasms etc.

On your site you state the following:

A submissive husband craves sexual energy (which you can feel free to read as sexual "attention") from his wife as much as or more than he craves physical sex. He can go without the physical sex for extended periods of time, but he needs the sexual energy to feel satisfied.

In my marriage, there is no sexual energy just a tension that she feels because I'm doing all these things for her. There is no "payoff" for me.

Thoughts, advice....help please.

Paul

Ken responds...

It all begins with communication. It sounds like she is already getting a lot out of your stealth submission. Your service to her is appropriate, but as you realize, it is unsatisfying.

You need to make her understand what is missing for you in your marriage. Talk to her. Let her first know that you feel that there is a lack of sexual intimacy in the marriage that is leaving you unsatisfied. Make sure that she realizes that you are not merely talking about the quantify of sexual intercourse in which you engage, but something else entirely. Position loving female authority as an answer to this problem.

Remember that Emily and I do not advocate that you simply serve your wife and learn to live with the lack of intimacy that comes from doing so in a vacuum. We advocate a model that also makes her responsible for your very real need to know and sense her authority. This is the approach that will make you both the happiest in the long run.

I will say it again, it all begins with communication.

Note About the New CafePress Shop:

Many of you may have noticed that we put our logo on some merchandise available at the link that follows this announcement. We are hoping that some of you would be willing to spread the word by wearing the AroundHerFinger.com apparel that is being offered on the site.

http://www.cafepress.com/aroundherfinger/

New AHF Boutique Available

We have created a CafePress shop selling apparel with the logo from our site. You can find a wide variety of quality merchandise available for sale by clicking on this link:

http://www.cafepress.com/aroundherfinger

June 2006

Letters from Women

Dear Emily,

I first want to thank you for your site. My husband and I have now been practicing a female-led marriage for about thirteen months. He sent me an email link to your site and asked me what I thought. My initial thought was that of course I would want something like this, but it can never really work. In the long run, I figured he would tire of the concept and it would have been a two-week fad. Now that we are into it for over a year, I really think it has the potential to last forever.

I continue to be amazed at how easily we have both adopted to our new roles. My question for you is how far I can take this? Are there any practical limits to what I can ask him to do and put up with from me? I love him and want us both to be happy, but I feel as though I have been reserved with some of my demands and expectations. I have this fear that the whole thing will blow up in my face if I push it too far. What do you think?

Jen in California

Emily responds...

I wrote a fairly lengthy reply to your letter which discussed establishing boundaries based on love and your mutual best interests. While this was all very true, I have deleted that reply as I feel that the content in this reply was largely self-evident. I feel like your letter affords me an opportunity to make a more critical point by simply answering your letter in a more concise, emphatic reply. I will be happy to answer the question with more precision if you provide some more details as to your intentions, but for now you can consider the following to be truth given some reasonable assumptions:

No, there are no real limits to how far you can push your husband. Enjoy!

-----

Dear Emily,

My husband and I have been married for two years living what was a very conventional, traditional marriage. He bought me the New Bride's Guide (originally claiming that someone had left it in the drawer in a hotel in which he was staying on business), and handed it to me to ask what I thought. Long story short, we just completed the two week boot camp idea, and have decided to go forward with this dynamic in our marriage. I remain cautiously optimistic that we can stick with it. I had no idea this would appeal to him, but after two years of picking up after him and living as if I was the submissive one, there is no way that I'm going back.

Here is my problem. During the boot camp, he did all the laundry, housecleaning, cooking, etc., but he did a terrible job. He has machine-washed clothes that are only to have been dry-cleaned, he makes the bed and it looks like it was made by a child, and his cooking and cleaning is just not up to my standards. Is this a common problem? Is there a way to fix it?

Unsigned in Indiana

Emily responds...

It is a wonder that we do not hear this complaint more often. Household work used to be referred to ceremoniously as Domestic Arts, and this was not without reason. I think the quality of domestic work is often taken for granted by the men in traditional marriages, and you are living this pain in your current situation.

The important thing is that he is committed to your authority. Use the same techniques to manage improvements in the quality of his service to you as you would use to maintain his obedience to you in general. Set goals, provide him coaching, reading materials, class-room training... anything it takes to get his domestic skills up to the level you expect. It is not that he is incapable of doing the work at your standards, it is more likely that he is not aware of precisely what is expected of him. We did receive one letter from a woman that hired a professional housekeeper for two days to come in and work with her husband to understand what was expected. Maybe this is an option for you.

-----

The following was not a letter, but was rather a review posted for Around Her Finger on the Lulu.com website (http://www.lulu.com/content/36837). We are reprinting it here because (in addition to being shameless promotion) the content is very relevant to those of you considering the ideas we advocate on the site:

I bought this book and read it after my husband (then fiancé) showed signs of wanting me to lead our household. After reading it by myself the first time, I talked with him about it, and then he read the book. Afterward he told me the book described just what he wanted, and our lives changed for the better from then on. We were happy before, but now we're both completely satisfied with our marriage and how we run our household. I'm the leader, but he's not just a follower. We consult each other, and I feel heard, listened to, and understood, not to mention that even my mother, who's been married for more than 40 years, has asked me what my secret is!

I highly recommend this book to anyone who's considering getting married or who's been married for quite a while, like my parents. It's never too late! All you need is an open mind and a willingness to try new things. You'll be glad you did; I guarantee it!

Crystal Kennedy


Letters From Men


Dear Ken,

What a remarkable site.

I wish this site had been around back in 1990 when my first wife and I struggled with my submission.

My question is about sexual intercourse. Should a submissive husband ask permission to have sex? Should he always wait for hs wife to establish when or if at all? Obviously I understand the reality that it's always up to her, moreover, how she establishes those guidelines is the law of the land, but what is the best way under all or most conditions to approach your wife about this subject?

Thank you,

Jon

Ken responds...

This is a very good question. We certainly advocate that the wife be in charge of sexual intimacy of any sort, but not all women want to be responsible for initiating this activity. There are a number of very good ways to manage this issue, and you can choose from among those options or determine if there are other strategies that might work for you.

If a wife does not feel comfortable verbally dictating the sexual game plan, she can devise different "tells" that allow the husband to follow her lead. You may recall from a previous letters section where the wife had the pebbles in the two jars next to the bed which dictated whether or not the husband was to have an orgasm on any given night. You could also devise similar cues for all levels of intimacy. For example, if you are rubbing her feet in the evenings, she may tap your head, or even just lay back and open her legs to indicate that desires you to go down on her. She might pull on your hair while you are between her legs to let you know she is ready for intercourse. There may be yet another sign which lets you know you have permission to orgasm.

Alternatively, she may want you to initiate the various stages of sexual activity and exercise her control by rebuking your advances at any stage she sees fit.

While it seems in principle that she should be the one that initiates sexual activity, this is by no means a hard fast rule. In fact, I doubt that it is even typical in wife-led relationships. I would welcome feedback on this topic and will post additional letters from readers that add clarity to this question.

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Dear Ken,

I gave your book to my wife as part of her Valentines Day gift. I sent it to her via email, also telling her how I wished to recapture the excitement of our early relationship, that I trusted her and that I love her. I told her I had already read the book and agreed with most of it and asked her to tell me what she thought of it. I haven't heard a word about it or any changes in her since. Can you advise? Should I take the lack of any sort of a response as a signal that she is unwilling to explore this subject?

Thanks,

Jim

Ken responds...

I think your wife's lack of response is an indication that she is uncomfortable with the subject rather than a sign that she is disinterested. She may in fact be disinterested, but you owe it to yourself to know that rather than assume it. Communication is difficult in any relationship, and communication about subjects that take people outside of their comfort zone is particularly challenging. That said, you owe it to yourself to ask your wife outright what she thought of the material. Engage her in a discussion that provides you an opportunity to better understand her concerns but also a chance for her to better understand your deep interest and commitment to these ideas.

Some women, when casually approached about this subject, assume that their husbands are suggesting it as just another opportunity to temporarily spice up their love life. They do not realize that most submissive husbands take these ideas much more seriously than their wives can know.

Talk to her. Be active in your approach now that your passive approach did not achieve the desired result.