November 2006

Letters from Women

Dear Emily,

I am one of those conservative wives that were knocked off of her feet by my husband’s recent revelation that he was submissive. I never had any idea that this sort of thing existed, and I will admit that it has taken some getting used to.

I knew that something was up before he ever opened up about what was really happening. He had gone through the whole mess about doing all of our laundry and cooking dinner. He said he just wanted to start contributing more around the house, but I knew that something else must be going on. At the same time he began stopping himself before he would have orgasms. He had always been one to spend a great deal of attention to my needs during sex (that is to say he always was generous with oral sex), but this new thing about stopping himself before finishing was just bizarre. The first time it happened, I thought I must have been mistaken. I figured he had an orgasm with an unusually small amount of semen, and I just didn’t notice it. The second time, however, I was sure that he did not finish, so I said something about it. He said that he didn’t feel like he deserved it because he had forgotten to make the bed. Honestly, I thought that was about the weirdest thing in the world, but I said nothing about it.

Then he went into a period where he scaled back on all of the things that he had been doing. Without any explanation, the laundry started piling up, he stopped cooking meals, and he became just a little less interested in sex. Being uncomfortable with the entire series of events in the first place, I didn’t say anything about it. When, over a month later, he left your book and a short note on his pillow when he left for work in the morning, I was completely taken back.

I would describe my journey into loving female authority in three stages: rejection, open-mindedness, and now, total convert. I initially thought the entire thing was weird, and just ignored it. I pretended as if he had never left the book on my pillow, and as far as he knew, I had never read his note or the book at all. It was only two full months later, and having spent time on your website, that I finally told my husband that we should talk about it. We had a very awkward conversation in which he ultimately told me that he loved me no matter if I ever wanted to explore this or not. I love him too, there is no denying it, so I told him that if it was important to him, I would try it.

We started with me giving him simple lists of tasks I wanted him to do. I then started having him give me foot massages every night. I have to admit, it was really working for me. I loved feeling like the center of attention. Then he would slip off the wagon a bit, and I wondered if it was really a fad. That’s when he came forward about how important it was that I controlled his orgasms. That very night while we were making love, I had him pull off of me before he had his orgasm. That’s when I learned first-hand how important this was to getting his attention focused on me. A man’s selfishness and self-centeredness is directly tied to whether or not he has climaxed. Also, it seems directly related to whether or not I stopped him from having it as an overt and conscious decision.

All of this again seems kind of weird now that I am typing out this letter. But as I said, I am definitely a total convert to your teachings. He is happier, I am happier, and we are definitely closer as a couple thanks to this new element in our marriage. I think that submission breaks down many of the defenses that a man puts up that keep him from opening up and sharing emotions with his wife. My husband is now much more willing to share very deep thoughts and feelings with me, and I could never give this up. Also, I am growing to feel accustomed to his obedience and to all the many things that he does for me. Perhaps this is selfishness of my own, but as it makes us both happy, I will allow myself this guilty pleasure.

Mary Beth

Emily responds…

Although you may have said it tongue in cheek, one should never feel guilty about allowing your submissive husband the very satisfying outlet of serving you. The more demanding that you are with your husband; the more he will adore you. In fact, try this experiment. Write down a list of five requests which you feel are progressively more outrageous than the last. Watch as your husband lights up with each successive request. He loves serving you because it is the consummate expression of his love for you. Allow him every chance to express himself, and enjoy every moment of it.

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Dear Emily,

Thank God for your site. I have met a wonderful school teacher on an interracial matchmaking site a year ago. I am a black female, he is Italian tall, beautiful thick curly hair and very masculine looking and acting.

Our first conversation was incredible. We wanted the same things in life, a good relationship, based on respect and monogamy, and children. During the course of the first conversation, he immediately asked how I felt about submissive men. No one knew, EVER that I had this very dominate side to my nature and I secretly fantasized about dominating my man. I had let the desire lay dormant because I thought if I ever asked a guy that he would think that I am accusing him of being weird. Our conversations after that first door-opener have been wonderful and liberating.

It has been a year now, and I have still not moved forward, mainly because I did not know how. Before this site, I too thought a dominant woman was like the dramatic images seen in movies and on T.V. You have stated it perfectly... I want to be a LOVING female authority figure for my man. I want it as much as he does.

I think I am going to learn a great deal here, and I want to finally move this relationship out of neutral and into drive.

Thank you,

Angel

Emily responds...

Best of luck to you, Angel. For a woman that is naturally dominant, I think you will find that the baby steps we offer on our site represent the beginning of a wonderful journey. I am sure that wherever you want to take this journey will be mutually beneficial for you and your new boyfriend.

I want to add that I find it interesting that your submissive boyfriend was seeking black women on an interracial dating site. At the risk of stereotyping, it seems to me that African American women appear more outwardly dominant than white women. I obviously have no statistical evidence to support this, but I know that I have had male letter writers suggest this in the past. I would be interested in your thoughts on this. Did your boyfriend have the same preconceived notions that I have, and did he seek out an interracial relationship on this basis?

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Dear Emily,

As I have for at least the past 3 months, I just walked away from my husband after he disobeyed me. I've been trying to practice loving female authority, but he doesn't respond to the loving part or the authority. Take the simplest thing, but one that always makes me angry. My husband and I do the dishes together, but he insists on putting them away wet. They're not damp; they're wet. I've asked him nicely to dry them. I've told him he's not doing anything I don't do, because I make sure mine are dry. I've yelled at him to dry them, and he makes excuses about why he can't or doesn't dry them. I've denied him orgasms, and he's promised to dry the dishes completely, only to break the promise every time. We have many other problems, and loving female authority just isn't working in general. Maybe if you can give me some suggestions on how to make him obey.

Finally, I don't know if this has anything to do with what's going on, but my husband always defied the women in his life. He never valued his mother's or grandmother's opinions, and they're the ones who raised him. In any case, I'd really appreciate any ideas. If something doesn't change, I'm filing for divorce. I'm completely tired of having to do everything if I want it done right, hearing his excuses, and arguing with him.

Thanks for your help.

Angie

Emily responds…

I have said many times that loving female authority is not the only component of a healthy and successful marriage; it is only one wonderful dynamic for contributing to an otherwise positive relationship. You need to assess whether or not the core elements of trust, love, friendship and respect were or are present in your marriage.

It sounds like you have been going through some difficult times, and difficult times are often better handled with help. I suggest you reach out to someone in your local community, maybe a member of the clergy or a marriage therapist that can help you determine what course of action will ultimately lead to the happiest outcome for everyone involved.

Letters from Men

Dear Emily and Ken,

Thanks for responding to my letter in your recent update.

You may recall that while my wife and I were both very interested in pursuing an Around Her Finger marriage, we had recently fallen off the wagon a bit. My wife agreed with your suggestions and things are back on track.....and we are both loving it.

Kind regards,

Tim

Ken responds…

Very glad to hear back from you. Sometimes we post advice on the web and never get any feedback as to how the situation played out. I am glad to hear that her recommitment to some of the core practices in LFA has worked out for both of you.

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Dear Emily and Ken,

I read a wife's post in the September entry of your letters update that said she no longer gives her husband oral sex. I didn't think I'd see a comment like this from someone who relates to the Around Her Finger philosophy, which is more benign than some of the more militant approaches to female leadership in the home that I have seen elsewhere.

I realize in the Wife-Led Marriage, or Female Led Relationship, it is about HER pleasure. However, the idea that a wife should not, or does not, give oral sex to her husband as a matter of ....policy... seems be more in line with extreme approaches.

What your thoughts are on the wife giving oral sex to her husband?

Thank you.

Arnold

Ken responds…

The main focus of our site is providing an introductory soft landing zone for those being introduced to wife-led marriages for the first time. We do not necessarily advocate boundaries for the relationship dynamic once a couple becomes comfortable with the core notion that the woman is the alpha-spouse in the relationship.

I assume that many women enjoy giving oral sex. These women should indulge this pleasure and do as they choose. I also assume that many women do not. These women should feel no sense of obligation to do anything… sexual or otherwise that they do not want to do in their marriage.

Your wife should decide what boundaries are appropriate in your marriage and more specifically in your bedroom, and you should abide by them. If she wants to indulge your own interest in receiving oral sex or her interest in giving it, that is completely up to her. That is the best advice I can offer on the topic.

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Dear Emily and Ken,

Before introducing my wife to your site, I used to fantasize about all sorts of activities that we could do together which represented more intense activities than you have ever discussed on these pages. While you do not discuss these activities for good reason, I am sure that you are familiar with them. Other sites do discuss them, and in fact, other sites seem to focus on them.

Now that my wife has accepted the dominant role in our household (a long story, but off topic), I find that I still fantasize about these activities. I suspect that mentioning them to my wife would risk ruining everything that we have been able to accomplish with loving female authority so far. Do you suggest that I just keep these fantasies to myself, or, as you said in a previous response, do you feel that I should share this with my wife as she is likely better equipped to understand and help me deal with these issues?

Roger in New Mexico

Ken responds…

Roger, this is a great letter. It really put me on the spot. I ran it by Emily and we discussed a response.

You are correct. Certain topics exist for which the (predominately male) members of our audience would like us to discuss, but we do not as they violate the core purpose of this site. I am not certain of exactly what activities you refer, but as a web-savvy submissive man, you have no doubt been exposed to the many ways that men have sought to satisfy their desire to submit to a woman. I am not making a judgment call on any of these activities, but I can say with certainty that the audience of women that would be open to participating in these activities is much smaller than the audience of women that are open to loving female authority as we describe it on our site and in our books. Also, many men have written this site to tell us that once they experienced true loving female authority, their desire for these activities went by the wayside. Yours, however, has not, so let us deal with your situation and toss the generalities aside.

You obviously need to make a determination on whether or not you want to share your interest in these activities with your wife, but you should first ask yourself why you want to share these fantasies. If it is because you hope that by sharing them that she will embrace them, then this is a calculated risk. If it is instead because you feel that by opening up that she will have a better idea as to the deeper nature of your submission and be in a better position to nurture it – regardless of whether these activities are ever to be explored- then this makes more sense to me.

You know your wife better and have a better instinct as to how she will react. Philosophically, Emily and I both agree that you should keep no secrets from your wife. As to the practical concerns that might arise from opening up to her, you are better positioned to predict how she will react than are we. However, I suspect the risk of merely raising the topics for discussion offers very little downside as long as you are not improperly pushy as to the outcome that you desire.