Thursday, June 29, 2006

July 2006


Letters from Women

Dear Emily,

A friend of mine at work told me that her husband bought her your book and asked her if she was willing to give all your ideas a try. I have been hearing stories about their "Boot Camp" for the last couple of weeks, and it's apparently going very well. However, this is not the point of my letter.

One night, I told my husband about all of this. He doesn't know this woman, so I didn't feel too guilty telling him. Honestly, I just told him because I thought he would get a kick out of it and think that it was funny. His reaction really surprised me. He said that he understood it completely and was always turned on by the idea of being controlled by a woman. He had never mentioned anything about this to me in the past. We have never even done the handcuff thing in the bedroom.

I sort of let it slide, but he has kept bringing it up by asking how my friend is doing with it. My question to you is whether or not you think my husband might be submissive. I would love to get your thoughts.

Unsigned

Emily responds...

I do think your husband is submissive. I happen to think most men have submissive feelings, some just suppress them more than others. In your husband's case, he is opening the door to you. The next time he mentions the topic, tell him you want him to read through the website (he may have already done so) and get his thoughts.

Assuming that his enthusiasm remains in place, take the steps that we recommend to assume a leadership role in the home. You should not have to be the one that initiates this dynamic in your marriage, but it appears to me that your husband desires it, and I think you will both be better off for exploring it together.

One final thought, you mentioned that your husband had always been "turned on" by the idea of a woman controlling him. It is important to realize that loving female authority is more than just a sexual dynamic, it is a relationship dynamic with a sexual component. While he is undoubtably turned-on by the idea of submitting to you, the desire to serve you is deeper and more comprehensive than you might even realize. As you grow into this relationship with your husband, you will come to understand this very well.

Good luck.

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Dear Emily,

My husband and I married eighteen years ago. Up until three years ago, we had a very typical marriage and a reasonably healthy sex life. At that time I was diagnosed with breast cancer and went through a very difficult year before I was able to beat the disease and start to get my life back to normal.

During the illness, my husband was very supportive and very loving. After I was well into my recovery, he remained so. However, there was now very little sexual intimacy in our marriage. It was as if he had stopped thinking of me romantically during that time. This went on for a very long time, and while we did have sex a few times during this period, it was always because I initiated it, and it seemed very inhibited relative to our old love life.

At the beginning of this year, he presented me with the confessional CD and the Around Her Finger book. While I admit that I was totally taken back, I was very open-minded about the ideas, and was honestly impressed that he chose to communicate these feelings with me. We implemented the ideas that you suggested in your materials, and we were both incredibly happy with the results.

Loving female authority allowed us the opportunity to regain the intimacy that the long illness had robbed from our marriage. If anything surprised me by following your program, it was the degree to which the new dynamic served as an aphrodesiac to both of us. There is something incredibly sexy about control and obedience. It also opened up dialogue and communication in a way that I did not anticipate.

I have no particular questions, I just wanted to write to thank you for your site and encourage other women to be open-minded to these ideas. They have certainly worked for us, even under extraordinary circumstances.

Paige in California

Emily responds...

Thank you for your wonderful letter. I am very pleased to read about your recovery as well as the renewal of intimacy after your ordeal. You and your husband are a very fortunate couple. It is important that others read success stories such as yours and know that these opportunities exist in their own marriages as well.

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Dear Emily,

I have a question you can help me with. Our oldest son, who is attending college, will be home for several weeks before he returns to school. In the past, when our sons were home, my husband and I have been very careful not to reveal to much about my role as the head-of-the-house. But several days ago my husband asked me if I would allow him to be more open about his role. He would prefer our son know that their father willingly does all of the housework, the bulk of the cooking, and defers all the major decisions to me. I suspect both our sons know, and have known, their father is very submissive to me, but he has never been completely open with them about his household responsibilities. What do you think?

I am agreeable but wonder about any lasting ramifications. Both my sons are much more like me than their father -outgoing, self-assured, intelligent, attractive - but I do not want to embarrass them by revealing too much about their father's submissiveness. I would love to hear you opinion.

Wendy in Texas

Emily responds...

Wendy, my instinct would be to not discuss these issues with your children. They should be able to see that their father respects his mother, contributes to the household chores, and treats all women with the dignity they deserve. Knowledge of the deeper dynamics of your wife-led relationship would, in opinion, only serve to confuse them. Consider all the care that most men undertake when introducing loving female authority to their wives because they are afraid of how it may be misinterpreted. I would be at least as concerned about misunderstandings and misinterpretations with your grown children.

If they should ever approach him with specific questions, he might choose to be more candid. However, under the circumstances, I can see no good reason to volunteer these details of your relationship.

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Letters from Men

Dear Emily and Ken,

I am almost shocked at the existence of your website. I thought I was the only one that craved this sort of information. I have been VERY aware that I was submissive as long as I can remember. In my early twenties, years before the internet even existed, I would seek out pornographic material related to dominant female women as I thought that this was the answer to these feelings that I had. It wasn't. I soon became bored with it, and was left with no way to deal with these thoughts.

As the internet has come along, I have gone back to dabbling in the pornography, but I have a very definate sense that it seems to not only be out of step with my values, but it also does nothing but leave me feeling empty. This is why I say that I am shocked by the existence of your site. It is different from anything that I have ever seen before.

I bought your book and gave it to my wife to read. I guess I am surprised to say that she is willing to try the Boot Camp. We are going to start it when we get back from a vacation after the week of July 4th. Your other readers might be interested to know that I thought there was a very small chance that my wife would be open to these ideas. It was only the weight of thirty-plus years of carrying the burden of my submission in secret that gave me the confidence to share the book with her.

I will let you know how it goes.

Carl in Long Island

Ken responds...

I think that there are very few men that have a high degree of confidence that there wives will be open to loving female authority when they share these ideas with them. Despite this reality, we have received letters every month since we have been running this letters section from men and women that have embraced the model of the wife-led marriage for the first time. Let us know how your Boot Camp goes and how it ends up resulting in long-term changes in your marriage. I have every confidence that it will be a positive experience for both you and your wife.

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Dear Ken,

Thanks for your words of advice a couple of months ago (I'd made a financial mess and handed control to my wife - remember?). Everything is so much better now, and she has whipped our accounts into shape (and me in the process, and I love it!).

An online discussion raged hotly on the Sydney Morning Herald website here today that I thought you would be very interested in - it dealt with "Who Wears the Pants in your relationship?" and the number of clearly dominant women and acquiescent men who came out of the woodwork was quite a revelation!

http://blogs.smh.com.au/samandthecity/archives/2006/06/who_wears_the_p.htmlcheers,Mark (melbourne)

Mark in Melbourne

Ken responds...

Great news on your relationship with your wife, Mark. Your experience is more evidence that yielding financial control opens the door to marital control. I also loved the article for which you submitted the link. Maybe our readers will take a moment to email the author and let her know that resources such as our site exist to help the men that are actively seeking relationships like those described in the article.

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Dear Ken,

Wow! Finally a site that discusses submissive husbands and their desire to serve their wives without all the hard core porn stuff. Thanks. I've ordered your book and downloaded your CDs and am figuring out how to proceed.

The difficulty lies in previous attempts at submission. I do all the housework, cleaning, bill paying, lawn mowing, etc so there is little reason for her to "control" me in an attempt to relieve her of household duties. A lack of sex drive doesn't lead to any extra benefits for her in the bedroom except me not initiating sex.In a nutshell, I really enjoy submitting to her and love it when she controls our sexual intimacy. The problem is that she has little or no sex drive which results in her not "thinking sexually" (her words) and virtually no desire to tease me and deny me orgasms etc.

On your site you state the following:

A submissive husband craves sexual energy (which you can feel free to read as sexual "attention") from his wife as much as or more than he craves physical sex. He can go without the physical sex for extended periods of time, but he needs the sexual energy to feel satisfied.

In my marriage, there is no sexual energy just a tension that she feels because I'm doing all these things for her. There is no "payoff" for me.

Thoughts, advice....help please.

Paul

Ken responds...

It all begins with communication. It sounds like she is already getting a lot out of your stealth submission. Your service to her is appropriate, but as you realize, it is unsatisfying.

You need to make her understand what is missing for you in your marriage. Talk to her. Let her first know that you feel that there is a lack of sexual intimacy in the marriage that is leaving you unsatisfied. Make sure that she realizes that you are not merely talking about the quantify of sexual intercourse in which you engage, but something else entirely. Position loving female authority as an answer to this problem.

Remember that Emily and I do not advocate that you simply serve your wife and learn to live with the lack of intimacy that comes from doing so in a vacuum. We advocate a model that also makes her responsible for your very real need to know and sense her authority. This is the approach that will make you both the happiest in the long run.

I will say it again, it all begins with communication.

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Many of you may have noticed that we put our logo on some merchandise available at the link that follows this announcement. We are hoping that some of you would be willing to spread the word by wearing the AroundHerFinger.com apparel that is being offered on the site.

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