Letters from Women
Dear Emily,
I first want to thank you for your site. My husband and I have now been practicing a female-led marriage for about thirteen months. He sent me an email link to your site and asked me what I thought. My initial thought was that of course I would want something like this, but it can never really work. In the long run, I figured he would tire of the concept and it would have been a two-week fad. Now that we are into it for over a year, I really think it has the potential to last forever.
I continue to be amazed at how easily we have both adopted to our new roles. My question for you is how far I can take this? Are there any practical limits to what I can ask him to do and put up with from me? I love him and want us both to be happy, but I feel as though I have been reserved with some of my demands and expectations. I have this fear that the whole thing will blow up in my face if I push it too far. What do you think?
Jen in California
Emily responds...
I wrote a fairly lengthy reply to your letter which discussed establishing boundaries based on love and your mutual best interests. While this was all very true, I have deleted that reply as I feel that the content in this reply was largely self-evident. I feel like your letter affords me an opportunity to make a more critical point by simply answering your letter in a more concise, emphatic reply. I will be happy to answer the question with more precision if you provide some more details as to your intentions, but for now you can consider the following to be truth given some reasonable assumptions:
No, there are no real limits to how far you can push your husband. Enjoy!
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Dear Emily,
My husband and I have been married for two years living what was a very conventional, traditional marriage. He bought me the New Bride's Guide (originally claiming that someone had left it in the drawer in a hotel in which he was staying on business), and handed it to me to ask what I thought. Long story short, we just completed the two week boot camp idea, and have decided to go forward with this dynamic in our marriage. I remain cautiously optimistic that we can stick with it. I had no idea this would appeal to him, but after two years of picking up after him and living as if I was the submissive one, there is no way that I'm going back.
Here is my problem. During the boot camp, he did all the laundry, housecleaning, cooking, etc., but he did a terrible job. He has machine-washed clothes that are only to have been dry-cleaned, he makes the bed and it looks like it was made by a child, and his cooking and cleaning is just not up to my standards. Is this a common problem? Is there a way to fix it?
Unsigned in Indiana
Emily responds...
It is a wonder that we do not hear this complaint more often. Household work used to be referred to ceremoniously as Domestic Arts, and this was not without reason. I think the quality of domestic work is often taken for granted by the men in traditional marriages, and you are living this pain in your current situation.
The important thing is that he is committed to your authority. Use the same techniques to manage improvements in the quality of his service to you as you would use to maintain his obedience to you in general. Set goals, provide him coaching, reading materials, class-room training... anything it takes to get his domestic skills up to the level you expect. It is not that he is incapable of doing the work at your standards, it is more likely that he is not aware of precisely what is expected of him. We did receive one letter from a woman that hired a professional housekeeper for two days to come in and work with her husband to understand what was expected. Maybe this is an option for you.
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The following was not a letter, but was rather a review posted for Around Her Finger on the Lulu.com website (http://www.lulu.com/content/36837). We are reprinting it here because (in addition to being shameless promotion) the content is very relevant to those of you considering the ideas we advocate on the site:
I bought this book and read it after my husband (then fiancé) showed signs of wanting me to lead our household. After reading it by myself the first time, I talked with him about it, and then he read the book. Afterward he told me the book described just what he wanted, and our lives changed for the better from then on. We were happy before, but now we're both completely satisfied with our marriage and how we run our household. I'm the leader, but he's not just a follower. We consult each other, and I feel heard, listened to, and understood, not to mention that even my mother, who's been married for more than 40 years, has asked me what my secret is!
I highly recommend this book to anyone who's considering getting married or who's been married for quite a while, like my parents. It's never too late! All you need is an open mind and a willingness to try new things. You'll be glad you did; I guarantee it!
Crystal Kennedy
Letters From Men
Dear Ken,
What a remarkable site.
I wish this site had been around back in 1990 when my first wife and I struggled with my submission.
My question is about sexual intercourse. Should a submissive husband ask permission to have sex? Should he always wait for hs wife to establish when or if at all? Obviously I understand the reality that it's always up to her, moreover, how she establishes those guidelines is the law of the land, but what is the best way under all or most conditions to approach your wife about this subject?
Thank you,
Jon
Ken responds...
This is a very good question. We certainly advocate that the wife be in charge of sexual intimacy of any sort, but not all women want to be responsible for initiating this activity. There are a number of very good ways to manage this issue, and you can choose from among those options or determine if there are other strategies that might work for you.
If a wife does not feel comfortable verbally dictating the sexual game plan, she can devise different "tells" that allow the husband to follow her lead. You may recall from a previous letters section where the wife had the pebbles in the two jars next to the bed which dictated whether or not the husband was to have an orgasm on any given night. You could also devise similar cues for all levels of intimacy. For example, if you are rubbing her feet in the evenings, she may tap your head, or even just lay back and open her legs to indicate that desires you to go down on her. She might pull on your hair while you are between her legs to let you know she is ready for intercourse. There may be yet another sign which lets you know you have permission to orgasm.
Alternatively, she may want you to initiate the various stages of sexual activity and exercise her control by rebuking your advances at any stage she sees fit.
While it seems in principle that she should be the one that initiates sexual activity, this is by no means a hard fast rule. In fact, I doubt that it is even typical in wife-led relationships. I would welcome feedback on this topic and will post additional letters from readers that add clarity to this question.
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Dear Ken,
I gave your book to my wife as part of her Valentines Day gift. I sent it to her via email, also telling her how I wished to recapture the excitement of our early relationship, that I trusted her and that I love her. I told her I had already read the book and agreed with most of it and asked her to tell me what she thought of it. I haven't heard a word about it or any changes in her since. Can you advise? Should I take the lack of any sort of a response as a signal that she is unwilling to explore this subject?
Thanks,
Jim
Ken responds...
I think your wife's lack of response is an indication that she is uncomfortable with the subject rather than a sign that she is disinterested. She may in fact be disinterested, but you owe it to yourself to know that rather than assume it. Communication is difficult in any relationship, and communication about subjects that take people outside of their comfort zone is particularly challenging. That said, you owe it to yourself to ask your wife outright what she thought of the material. Engage her in a discussion that provides you an opportunity to better understand her concerns but also a chance for her to better understand your deep interest and commitment to these ideas.
Some women, when casually approached about this subject, assume that their husbands are suggesting it as just another opportunity to temporarily spice up their love life. They do not realize that most submissive husbands take these ideas much more seriously than their wives can know.
Talk to her. Be active in your approach now that your passive approach did not achieve the desired result.
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