There was a letter in last month’s update where the wife in a newly minted AHF relationship summed up the impact of loving female authority by saying that it simply made her feel loved. I adore this sentiment, and think it is exactly the outcome that we expect. It might even make an appropriate motto for our site, if sites like ours should even have such things.
Ken had suggested to me that a better expression might be “I am loved”. I disagree. She feels loved not only because she is loved; she feels loved because he expresses his love for her. I think many women are loved by their husbands, but do not get enough validation to this effect. They may get a nice card on Valentines Day or a special dinner on their anniversary, but what does he do every day to let her know he loves her?
A woman whose husband respects her opinions, who works to please his wife, and who pampers her with foot massages and unselfish love-making… now that woman has few doubts. Women are very much creatures of our own emotions. When we can feel it, we know it is so.
As always, our books and CD’s can be found at www.lulu.com/aroundherfinger/Send questions, comments and success stories to Emily (dot) Addison (at) Gmail (dotcom).
Letters from Women
Dear Emily,
I am writing this letter for all of those women whose husbands have introduced them to your site, but remain doubtful as to whether the concept of a female led household would really work for them. I was also extremely reluctant when I first read through “Around Her Finger”. My husband can be a very stubborn man when it comes to his opinion on things. And because I am also naturally headstrong, we were constantly arguing on just about everything. So my first reaction to this was compete rejection of its premise.
But, as my husband pointed out to me, our relationship was already somewhat female lead. Although there was always a lot of loud debate, I did make most of the major decisions in our marriage. I have been leaving my husband weekly “honey do” lists since the day we were married. He eventually completes everything on the list, but not necessarily as quickly as I would like. And he has always been a very unselfish lover, making sure that I am completely satisfied each and every time.
Although this sounds like a pretty good marriage, there were other things about our relationship that were not so great. My husband is not the neatest person in the world. He is also a huge sports fan and an avid golfer. This may apply to eighty percent or more of all other married men, but my husband was obsessive. There is just not enough time in the week to watch all of the local teams’ games on TV and play 18 holes every weekend. This is all in addition to the time commitment of his high pressured, full time job. Something has to give, and it was usually the household, the kids, or me.
A few months after my husband showed me your site, I had gotten so fed up with his sports passion that I went back and read through it again, only this time it was on my own without him looking over my shoulder. And it was I who brought the subject back up, asking him if he was still interested in pursuing this type of relationship. When he said that he was, I asked him to tell me very specifically what he would want to get out of it, since it seemed like the only benefits from this dynamic would be to me, especially in regards to regulating his time.
My husband explained to me that his interest in this lifestyle was clearly from a sexual perspective. Although he did not expect any more sex then we have already had (which was probably more than most couples of our age), the knowledge of him being controlled by me, his sexual “goddess”, was a significant turn-on in itself for him. He was willing to give me this control, but he hoped that I would do three things in return:
- Verbally acknowledge that I am the head of the household who makes final decisions, with constant reminders from me when appropriate;
- Verbally acknowledge (as well as truly believe) that my body is irresistible to him;
- Use this knowledge to my benefit (telling him what to do) and amusement (verbal teasing), as well as understanding that he gets extremely turned on as a result of me doing this, thus motivating me to keep doing it.
“OK, that’s weird”, I thought, but I was sure that I could do it. I told him we would try it for a month, but we would not discuss our perspectives on the experience until the month was up. I limited him to viewing one sports event per week, and playing golf just once a month. This was difficult for him, but he abided by my restrictions. I also wrote down a list for him of all of the things I expected him to be more orderly about.
Although I felt a little silly at first, I tried my best to comply with his three requests. However, sexually teasing him while telling him what to do started to become a natural thing for me. Realizing how much a turn on my body really was for him, I started demanding foot and back massages on a regular basis, and he has become quite good at it. These massages almost always lead to oral pleasure for me, which he has always loved to provide. My “honey do” lists became longer and more frequent, and I even added a time frame in which I expected him to complete each item. Now that he was not spending so much time with sports, he was able to complete just about every task within the allotted time.
The biggest change from this experiment was that the arguments that were once so common in out lives were now non-existent. I will ask him for his opinion on something, which he gives honestly. As in the past, I do not always agree with his perspective on things, so I let him know what my final decision is. And that’s the end of the debate. He does not appear the least upset at any of the decisions I make that he does not agree with. In fact, he sometimes will offer to help me implement these decisions once I make my mind up.
Needless to say, I was very happy with the changes in our marriage, and my husband confirmed after the month was over that he also enjoyed this new dynamic in our relationship. We have been practicing this lifestyle for almost two years, and I believe it was the best decision I've ever made. My husband also seems very happy with the way it has turned out.
One thing I wanted to convey to all you skeptical ladies out there is to just give it a try for a test period like I did. If it’s not for you, you’ll know it and you can move on to the same old thing, or something else. Also, don’t feel like you have to live your lives any differently. You don’t have to be “the boss” twenty-four-seven. Three or four days may go by in our life where you won’t know anything changed at all, so there is no pressure for you to “perform”. Also, if you like the way your husband makes certain decisions for you and/or your family, you can tell him to make those decisions. If you want him to sweep you off your feet and make passionate love to you, tell him to do just that. If he is like my husband, he’ll happily comply because it is what you want him to do.
Thank you, Emily, for the wonderful advice you have given to us.
Julie
Emily responds…
Julie, your account of how you successfully made loving female authority work in your marriage is one of the most straightforward and down-to-earth accounts that I have ever received. Your experience and wise counsel are the perfect summary for any woman on the fence about whether to move forward and how to do so.
Please accept my best wishes for continued success.
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Dear Emily,
My problem is solved!About 3 weeks ago my husband told me that he wanted to go back to a marriage of equals because I had not taken control the way he expected after we agreed to try it last November. I answered that I would think about it but didn't know what to do. Last Friday he came back from work and told me that since I hadn't said anything, he considered us back to being equals. I didn't know what to say at first, but then I told him that I had made a decision and he would hear it later that night. I then told him to go wash my car, inside and out, while I eat my dinner. Then I told him to take a shower and come to see me in my bedroom. I said that he would not be having dinner that night. I don't know where this came from, but it's what I told him. I saw a flash of anger in his face, but then he just said "OK" and went outside.
After dinner I went to the bedroom, thinking what I would do. When he came upstairs, I told him to sit down and be quiet until I told him that he could speak. I told him that I am already the head of the relationship, and that I was not ready to change that. I told him that I expected him to obey me, show respect and always consider my wishes, not his. I said that his recent behavior had been selfish and that I would not permit that anymore. He would have to make up for that and reform his ways. I told him that from now on he would have chores every day after coming back from work, and that he would have a list the next day. I also told him that for the next two weeks he would come to my bedroom (I was careful to call it MY bedroom) every night at 9:30 after taking a shower to have sex with me, but he would not be allowed to penetrate me or to have an orgasm. I then told him that he could speak, and all he said was that he was sorry he had been selfish and that he would try to be a better husband!
On Saturday I gave him the list and so far he has been doing his chores as told.
I can see now that we should have had the conversation we had last Friday, and I should have given him a chore list at the beginning of the change in our relationship last year. I also now see that managing your husband’s orgasms is very important. I didn't want to do it before because I enjoyed classic sex (I still do), but over the last several days I have become more comfortable with oral sex, and I can see how it can be very enjoyable too. Besides, if it helps the relationship, I am happy to have a little less classic sex and a little more oral sex.
I wanted to share my experience with you because there may be other women out there that think that they have lost their chance to lead their marriages, as I did until last week. I want to tell them that you can take back your position as leader if you take the steps I did. Be bold and take charge!
Love,
Pam
Emily responds…
I love your story as it demonstrates how decisive action can turn around a relationship for the better in an instant. Maintain your firm authority in the home and both you and your husband will benefit for many years to come.
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Dear Emily,
I married shortly after finishing college and we were a typical couple in Spain. He was the main breadwinner and I took care of the house while he made all the important decisions (and some not so important). That first marriage lasted eight years before ending in divorce.
Not long after he divorced me, he married another woman. I see them fairly often because we live in the same area and have many common friends. I noticed that their relationship is very different from the one we had. She is clearly in charge and he seems to be happy doing everything she tells him to do. At first I thought it was because he loves her and didn't love me, but over time I started to think that maybe it's not that. I became interested in relationships led by women and after many crazy web sites, I found yours. I got your book through a friend in the United States, and your ideas made sense to me. I am now convinced that my mistake was to think that because it's socially accepted for men to take the lead in a marriage, that must also be what men want.
I married for the second time a little over two years ago, and from the beginning I have been the head of the household. Before we got married, when we started to get serious, I told my husband-to-be that if we got married I wanted to be the head of the household. We had a long conversation like the one you describe in your book and he agreed. He has never read your book, and as far as I know he doesn't even know that it exists. I don't know if I ever want to give it to him or not.
My personal experience and my observation of other couples here in Spain have convinced me that most if not all men want a woman to tell them what to do. Some have a hard time accepting it because of social convention, but I'm sure that deep inside that's what most men want.
I'm in a much happier marriage than my first one and I can tell that my husband is much happier than my ex ever was when he was married to me. It's never too late to find the way, but sometimes it's difficult to change your mindset, especially when you are going against what society accepts as "normal."
Laura in Spain
Emily responds…
It is wonderful to receive your letter and know that female authority is alive and well on the Iberian Peninsula. I believe your observations and even your generalizations are very true. Men are happiest when wrapped around the finger of the woman they love. If most women do not learn this early in life, then hopefully others, like you, will get their second chance at happiness.
Letters from Men
Ken,
I have searched the internet to try to find clues to make sense of my submission, but I'm only beginning to understand this aspect of my nature. I would often come across many sites, which don't appeal to me at all. As it is mentioned on the site, I was looking for an emotional "answer" more than trying to gratify a sexual urge. But I ramble...
Anyway, I'm still in college and not married, but I have a serious girlfriend, and marriage is a matter of "when" and not "if". We want to each set up our careers so we can have a stable future together. We want nothing more than to be with each other, but we're not looking to rush anything.
Sometime after we began dating I realized my submissive nature which your site helped me to understand. The only thing is that I'm not sure if she'd understand. I've done some "stealth submission" but it hasn't turned out too well; she just thinks I'm being cute and attentive. I want to know, should I wait or should I be more forthcoming? I have no problem with waiting until after we are married if that's best; any moment I spend with her is treasured so even if I'm not fully content, I'm still happy with our relationship. I'm just frightened that I might make her uncomfortable or even weaken our relationship if I time this poorly; scaring her away is unthinkable.
This will shock her. It is what I really want but in the end it ultimately comes down to her.
Unsigned
P.S. I'm not the best at writing letters. I tried to keep focussed, but my thoughts are going in so many directions right now...
Ken responds…
Your letter is excellent… I think there is no lack of focus or clarity as to your current challenges. You want to share a part of you that reflects your true self, but you are afraid she will reject it. In this you have something in common with most of the men that come to our site.
Do not underestimate her capacity to understand you. Well I do not know your fiancé, I do know that women in general are more capable of understanding our feelings than we are ourselves. As you grow in your relationship she will be able to guide you as Emily has been able to guide me. This, however, does not make it any easier to reveal your feelings.
I suggest you buy a copy of the New Bride’s Guide to Training Her Husband and leave it lying around your home. Tell her that a friend gave it to you… as a joke or otherwise… because he knew the two of you were getting serious. Tell her that you read it (it is a quick read), and that it really triggered something in you. Tell her to read it and see what she thinks. It will be the beginning to a lifetime of understanding.
You do not want to marry and agonize over this decision after you are fully committed to a life together.
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Emily and Ken:
I wanted to write and update you from my last letter in December. While our AHF relationship has not been acknowledged by my wife, I've been taking to heart the counsel found here. I've been giving it time and striving in general to take the focus off me and my wants more than ever.
As I have been more attentive, listening, affectionate and doing acts of service for her in subtle, quiet ways, she is responding. She’s more attentive to me as well and content to let me do for her whether its chores or intimacy, and I'm finding her more willing to make decisions of what she wants and choosing what we will do without checking with me first. There's some progress there.
It’s a slow process, and it isn't easy as the open acknowledgment of my submission is what I crave. In effect, though, whichever way she decides this to go, this her-centered caring is what is good for a more traditional marriage dynamic anyway.
Perhaps someday my wife will come to verbally accept the devotion I long to pledge her as a husband who will love, honor and obey her. For now, I am at peace with this and what I can do for her.
Thanks for what you do.
Roger
Ken responds…
Roger… please just tell her how you feel. Is there risk? Yes. However, you understand perfectly the potential rewards, and this should be enough.
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Dear Emily and Ken:
Firstly, to thank you for a really well thought out book Around Her Finger and its intelligent approach to modern marriage. My wife and I have been married for only four years, and we have just recently started to incorporate the Around Her Finger concepts into our relationship. It seems like a mutual fit to both our needs, so while I can claim to have started the effort, she is very supportive and appears to be enjoying it.
My last comment would be that it was challenging for someone originally not familiar with your Around Her Finger book to stumble on this wonderful approach. Maybe it falls on the community to develop more intercommunication between couples. Or maybe it should be a challenge to each couple to enlighten at least one additional couple...just a thought. Anyways, thank you again for your wonderful book.
Most Sincerely,
Michael
Ken responds…
Emily and I are really coming around to the notion that we could do more to spread the word on the virtues of loving female authority. Any suggestions would be very welcome.
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Dear Ken and Emily,
My wife told me to share this email that I sent her with you and your readers...
Dear Liz,
You asked me the other night, after you had your orgasm, if I like to be denied orgasm, and if I prefer it to having one. I have been thinking about your question and would like to explain to you how I feel about this.
The simple answer is that I prefer having an orgasm than not having one. However, when I think about the way our whole relationship and our sex life has changed since you took control of our marriage, the simple answer doesn't really apply. I agreed without any reservations that you will make all decisions involving us as a couple, so if you tell me I'm not having an orgasm, whatever your reasons, I will accept your decision. If it's right for you, it's right for us as a couple and therefore it's right for me.
You wanted to know how I feel when you deny me an orgasm. The moment you tell me, I feel a rush of excitement. The feeling that you have so much power over me excites me. Knowing I'm not having an orgasm makes me more excited than when you tell me I will have one, and much more excited than before, when I always counted on an orgasm when we first started to make love. Now I can't take an orgasm for granted, so it becomes a gift from you, which makes it so much more valuable. Also, once I know that I'm not having an orgasm that night, my pleasure becomes irrelevant. It becomes 100% about you and I can concentrate better in giving you as much pleasure as I can.
After you are satisfied and send me to sleep, I feel a little down, but I also feel proud of having done what you asked me to do. I go to sleep still aroused and can't sleep well. I can’t describe it, but is a pleasant feeling. Also, the next day I am still aroused and thoughts of you come back to me all the time. I can't wait to see you again.
I also want to tell you that since I started focusing on you first, regardless of whether I am permitted to have an orgasm or not, the whole sexual experience has changed for me. I enjoy the fact that we take more time in order to ensure that you are satisfied. If I don't have an orgasm every time, that's OK. The quality of our sex life and of the orgasms that I do have is much higher than before.
I know sometimes it's difficult for you to make the decisions and lead our marriage, and I thank you for taking the trouble and the responsibility to take control of our marriage.
Love,
Unsigned
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Ken responds….
What a wonderful email. That very question you address lingers on the minds of women, sometimes long after they have adopted our suggestions. Your letter does a perfect job of articulating an honest answer, and goes a step further, proving an ample description of the shared benefits of orgasm management to your loving wife.
Congratulations on a job very well done.
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Our books and CD’s can be found at www.lulu.com/aroundherfinger/
