Welcome to the August Updates

I tend to be ready for the autumn before the summer even ends, and this year is no exception. The warm days have kept me inside lately, and the flowers in my window boxes need watering twice a day to keep from wilting.

Let the passions of your own summer turn into courage and action before the long days leave us and the cooler weather arrives. For those men who still aspire to submission to their wives, take the leap of courage and make it happen for yourselves.

Before I close, I wanted to make all of our readers aware that we plan on taking a modest price increase for our books and CD’s sometime next month. There are some programs we want to try with search engine optimization, and we hope that additional dollars can help fund these programs. I mention it here now as fair warning to anyone who is on the fence about making a purchase in the immediate future.

As always, our books and CD’s can be found at www.lulu.com/aroundherfinger/

Send questions, comments and success stories to Emily (dot) Addison (at) Gmail (dotcom)

Letters from Women

Dear Emily:

My husband has been suggesting that I write to you for some time. I am not sure my story is any different than most other women who write to you about their Around Her Finger marriages, but I told him I would write. We had been at this for some time before my husband showed me your site but I have enjoyed reading your ideas.

Like what I am sure was the case with the majority of women who write to you, I was shocked when my husband told me he wanted me to take the leadership role in our marriage. At the time we had been married thirteen years, had two beautiful daughters, he was a successful businessperson and I was a happy stay-at-home Mom. We had our share of arguments and disagreements over money, raising our children, and our sex life, but nothing unlike any of the rest of our friends. That is why I was so surprised when my husband talked to me.

At first I totally rejected my husband’s argument that this change would be the best thing for us. As he talked to me about the changes he wanted us to make in our marriage I could not understand how I was expected to become the head-of-the-house almost overnight. Neither could he explain to me how my regularly denying him an orgasm would ever work to improve our sex life.

I know I discouraged and frustrated him to no end as I dismissed everything he suggested. As disheartened as he was, he was persistent. Over the next several months he would talk to me about his ideas and whether or not I would at least try something different.

It is almost funny now but the first thing I agreed to do was control the TV remote. We decided that from a certain date on, I would decide what TV shows he and I watched. Most of the time he was very agreeable to me changing the channel to watch what I wanted but there were times, especially on Sunday afternoons, when I would switch to a romantic movie and force him to miss a football game. He grumbled, quietly, but he grumbled nonetheless.

Next I began to suggest he do more around the house. I boldly (for me at least it was bold) made out a daily housework schedule for him to follow. I listed the household chores I wanted him to do each day. Again he was generally very compliant but there were times when he did squawk about doing the laundry or cleaning a bathroom.

Next I had him begin to do some of the cooking during the week. He already cooked some but I insisted he cook dinner for the girls and I at least two times a week and at least once on the weekend. His cooking was pretty basic but he did try hard. He also grumbled at times about having to come home from a long day at work and then immediately start fixing dinner but I told him it was his idea and we would stop if he wanted.

The best part for me in this was experiencing the difference our relationship as I took more control over him. We have far fewer arguments. I noticed he had begun to ask my opinion about everything, and not act until I had told him what I would do.

Next, when I told him I was going to control our finances he did not blink an eye. I had him direct deposit his paycheck to a checking account I controlled. I was already paying the bills anyway but this way he had to ask me for spending money. He really did not like this but he accepted it. At about the same time I also told him that from then on, he was not free to play golf every Saturday with his buddies. I might let him play but he would always be required to ask my permission first. This was a real problem for him at first. He had to think up excuses why he could not play instead of admitting to his buddies that his wife had said no.

All this time my husband still talked to me about me being demanding in the bedroom. This was one area where I was more reluctant than any other aspect of our marriage to take charge.
Good girls just did not do this kind of thing. After almost twelve months of him doing the cooking and the housework and asking my permission to do things, I was finally ready to take control. I can remember the first time I told him no after he had orally satisfied me. We had already begun to have him satisfy me first before we had intercourse. That night however he was surprised when after he had satisfied me I told him I was ready to sleep. I was more surprised when he cuddled up against me and repeatedly told me how much in love with me he was.

I repeated this same routine for the next several nights. I would have him satisfy me then he would cuddle up against me as we fell asleep. Several days later when he began to get frustrated by not being allowed any release, I allowed him to masturbate while I looked on. I did not want to stop having intercourse at all but I did want to assert my authority. I told him that from then on, I was to always be satisfied first, and then I would decide what happened next. He was as happy as I had ever seen him.

That was over four years ago, five years ago since we began this change, and I am now firmly in charge of our marriage. I am the decision-maker, I totally control our finances, I decide what I will do and when, and even with whom. In the bedroom I rule. My orgasm is all that is important. My husband satisfies me almost nightly while I allow him release only every ten days or so. We still have intercourse but it is when I want it and how I want it. I am still a stay-at-home Mom but my husband does virtually all of the cooking and most of the housework.

I would encourage all married women to try this.

Sincerely,

Stacy

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Emily responds…

Your thinking certainly evolved over time, and to the benefit of both you and your husband. The transition for your new domestic roles in the marriage seemed to come easy. The rewards to you began to pile up one on top of the other. How could you not embrace these changes?

The sexual component, however, was more difficult. As you said, “good girls just did not do this sort of thing”. But you were bold and wise to adopt changes in this arena as well. This was the opportunity for the rewards to pile up one on top of the other for your husband. His loving devotion to your pleasure and his perfect knowledge that you control his own is his reward.

Continued good luck and wisdom for your path forward.

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Dear Emily,

I don’t’ know how to thank you for hosting this site. My husband showed it to me two months ago, and it has changed us (I hope) forever.

I can sum up my experience with three words: “I feel loved!”

Janet in Minneapolis

Emily responds…

You have said it all! And believe me, he feels loved as well.

Letters from Men

Ken,

I’ve read your blog for years, but I’ve never written. I’m a success story in that I bought my wife your book and after a lot of discussion and some trial and error, our relationship has really developed into the prototypical Around Her Finger marriage. I’m writing now to share what has been an unexpected outcome of this transition. This is not a complaint; it is merely a head-ups to other men that look to have what I now have.

For background, I should point out that while I have well-understood that I had submissive fantasies forever, I did not understand that I was in fact submissive. This is not a subtle distinction. The more I learned about male submission, in part from your site, the more I realized that I could not escape this. It would always be part of me and I would need to embrace it to be happy. However, because I met, fell in love with and married my wife before I had this personal epiphany, I had never considered her openness to this as part of my decision to make a life-long commitment to her. I loved her then for who she was, and honestly, if she had been closed to this, it would not have changed one bit the intense love I still have for her now.

However, that said, she was not the best candidate for becoming the alpha spouse in our relationship. She was very quiet, not at all aggressive or even outgoing, and arguably closer to submissive than dominant in terms of her personality at the time. However, she loved me as much as I love her so she was skeptical but open-minded. Following a boot camp period she openly accepted my submission to her. We have been living in a wife-led relationship for over eighteen months.

What I did not expect were the dramatic changes in my wife’s personality for which this was a catalyst. She has embraced a dominant role not only in our relationship, but it has carried over to other parts of her life. She is much more assertive (in a good way) with others, be they friends, acquaintances or strangers. She might have let others push her around a bit in the past, but definitely not now.

However, there are some other things that were just a bit unexpected. For example, when we are together with others, there can be little doubt that she is the one that wears the pants in our house. In fact she is very open with me about the fact that she likes demonstrating her authority with me in front of others. If there is a group of her female friends at the house, I am serving them drinks, ordered around, and generally treated like a (much loved) servant. In front of men she has a tendency to flirt, and again order me around a bit. She tells me that she knows that it excites me to let others have just a tiny peak into our own little secret, and to a great extent, this is true. However, it represents a pretty dramatic personality reversal for her compared to before all of this started.

I wonder if you find that this is typical of wives that adopt this sort of relationship. Do you expect that she will continue to evolve in this direction and what do you see as the possible implications of this?

Great thanks for your site,

Unsigned

Ken responds…

I spoke with Emily about your letter. It is hard to say that anything is really typical about AHF relationships, but what you describe as the growth in your wife’s self confidence is certainly not unique. Women use the strength that they gain in their relationship with their husband as a leaping off point to assertiveness and control in other parts of their lives.

As to where she might go, I would say wherever she wants. It is your role to nurture her strength just as it is her role to nurture your submission. Continue to obey her and accept her decisions with all the appropriate humility.

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Dear Ken,

Should there be limits as to what a husband is expected to do in order to obey and serve his wife?

Unsigned

Ken responds…

Yes, you are always bounded by your conscious and your moral framework, whatever its source. Beyond these basic constraints, there are no other limits. Communicate if necessary, but obey just the same.

This is why you enter into these relationships only with people you love, trust and with whom you share similar values.

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Our books and CD’s can be found at www.lulu.com/aroundherfinger/