October 2008

Welcome to the October Updates

The leaves have started changing, and many of us will be spending more time indoors as the cooler weather descends. This invites romantic evenings and opportunities for pampering and service.

Change brings opportunity… even the change of seasons. Seize the day.

Emily

As always, our books and CD’s can be found at:

www.lulu.com/aroundherfinger/

Send questions, comments and success stories to Emily (dot) Addison (at) Gmail (dotcom)

Letters from Women

Dear Emily -

My husband first told me of his submissive nature about a year ago. He started doing wonderful, helpful things for me with no explanation which made me shake my head in curious amazement, but it was great. After two or three weeks of this he told me of his "stealth submission" (though he didn't call it that, as I recall) and explained to me some of his deep desires. At first I guess I was fairly resistant and, as many wives, feared this was solely about leather, chains, strange sex toys, role playing sessions, etc. He didn't pressure me too much, but occasionally practically begged me to do some role playing activities with which I was always extremely uncomfortable but tried to play along. Sometimes this was somewhat successful, sometimes it was not.

It was some time after that when he introduced me to AHF. I will say it was very helpful to me even though I have yet to grasp it all or make it work for me. Over the past year or so I've read your entire book, and have begun to read through all of the letters from the beginning. I think I've only read 18 months to two years, so I have quite a way to go. I've been reading straight through rather than skipping around, hoping to get the full picture, inspiration, understanding, a light bulb going on in my brain, something. Of course, some letters are more applicable to me than others, and usually after a reading session, I feel a little more confident and will make a fresh attempt to be the dominant wife he wants me to be. I understand the concept and the great benefits I could enjoy, and while it was new and foreign to me a few years ago, I've come to accept that this COULD work for us, although my attempts so far are weak and I can't seem to remain consistent for more than a few days.

As I see it, here are my basic problems or challenges:

1) I am very NOT dominant! I'm about the most compliant, easy to get along with, non-confrontational person you'd ever meet. This is true in all areas of my life, not just our marriage. Try as I might I can't seem to become more assertive at work OR at home. I fully realize more assertiveness would not only help in my marriage to a submissive guy, but in my job as well.

2) I have a deplorable lack of imagination which prevents me from comfortably inserting myself into any type of role playing, no matter how harmless and non-threatening. This makes it hard for me to even pretend to be dominant.

3) I have this nagging feeling that at the back of my husband's protestations that he just wants to serve me and please me, his overwhelming desire to submit to a dominant woman is making him try to coerce me into being something I'm simply not.

4) Oh, I almost forgot (which illustrates the problem!), it also seems I must be cursed with a very, very low libido as I rarely think of sex, while it's almost ALL my husband seems to think about. Or maybe I'm just a normal working mom of a young child who is exhausted most of the time.

The sad thing is, I do see it from his side too when we have real heart to heart talks, usually after a period of failed "dominance" attempts on my part. He just wants me to show SOME interest in making this work, some interest in him, in sex, in his performance - or non performance - of the tasks I give him to perform. As you have said so many times, a submissive man can go on submitting and serving for a while without the sexual stimulation, but it can't be maintained without the wife's role being formalized. As I said, I think I get the concept pretty clearly, I just can't seem to follow through with my end of the bargain.

No matter how many attempts I make to start fresh, I seem to quickly run into a roadblock of my own making and resulting from my extreme inhibitions. I only include my work related comments to show you that this is an overall personality trait of mine, it's not just that I'm resistant to the sexual nature of the D/s lifestyle. I realize it doesn't even have to be all about sex from my side of it, even if it is all about sex for him. Your little examples of things to say are mostly so innocuous I feel silly being reluctant to even use those lines spontaneously.

Well, I think that about covers it from my perspective. Is there any hope for me? Or is it simply impossible for some women? I hope to hear from you and will watch the new letters over the next few weeks in case you reply there only and not personally. In any event, thanks for listening. Even if nothing else, it's therapeutic to write this all down. I guess I'll go do some more letter reading while I have a little rare time left to myself this evening.

A wanna be,

Unsigned

Emily responds…

Please do not despair. Your motives seem clear to me. You love your husband and want to make this relationship work for him. Let’s turn this around and figure out to make it work for you. In doing so it will work for you both. Let’s also figure out how to do all this within your own comfort level, but still let him feel as though his submissive nature is given adequate expression.

Think back to when he first began his efforts at stealth submission; what worked for you then? Make a list of things that you want. What about his submission could possibly be good for you? You claim your libido is low, so maybe having him please you orally on a more frequent basis is not an adequate reward for you. How about massages? At least it is sensual if not sexual, and more so if you are both naked during the massages. You say you are incredibly busy. Fix this. Have him do more of your current chores. Find a reason to embrace his submission or you will have no motivation to move forward. When it all starts to click, the intimacy will grow and provide its own reward, but until it does, you need reasons to remain engaged.

Second, you are, like many women, uncomfortable with active displays of dominance in your relationship. I certainly do not advocate role playing as you mention in your letter. You owe him nothing in this regard. If it eventually becomes a rare treat that you bestow on him as a reward for exceptional behavior, that is fine, but only if you are both comfortable with it and take equal satisfaction from the activity.

Furthermore, if you are uncomfortable with ‘acting the part’ of the dominant wife, figure out somewhat more passive ways to control him. I have recommended some of these to other women in the past. Write him notes as a general means of communicating your instructions, and use your verbal commands more sparingly. Written communications, for whatever reason, are easier for many wives.

Also, make the work of communicating his responsibility as well. Every day at first, then perhaps weekly, have him send you an email journal. You can give him topic suggestions, or he can just write about his day and how he feels about you on that day. The trick is to get him in touch with his emotional and spiritual side. At the end of every note he writes you, have him suggest three things that he would like to do for you the next day. Choose the ones that appeal to you or reject them all and respond with requests of you own. You will at least have ongoing insight into his desires without having to drag them out of him. Be firm and demanding in these written communications. Again, your more commanding tone should be easier to achieve in email.

Finally, use a non-verbal cue for orgasm management or even requests for service. Perhaps you could just set out the foot lotion when you want a foot massage. Perhaps you can have a little token object you set out when you want ‘unselfish’ affection from him and another when he is allowed intercourse and ejaculation. The important thing is that you develop alternatives to the activities and communication styles that today seem like a poor fit to your personality.

If I have missed something, please email me again with more details. I very much want to help make this work. Your commitment and effort is absolutely admirable. And finally, I know you were not enthusiastic about having your letter published. I took extra steps to hide details of your situation, and I hope you do not mind too much that I shared it with others.

Letters from Men

Emily:

I have learned much from your site and book, and thank you and Ken for them.

I wanted to point you to a very interesting web site of a psychoanalyst with a lot of couples experience: http://www.psychnews.us/longterm_sex.html. Her name is Dr. Jean Hantman, and she makes a number of strong points that to me relate closely to your relationship ideas. For example, she sees three types of relationships (in which either man or woman can be found in either role): The "worst" she describes is one partner submitting to a partner who only wants control. This is not your model -- although Dr. Hantman presents in her discussion the dominant party as the woman, there is no loving in it, and submission is not an agreeable or rewarding state for the man.

Of more interest is what she calls the "hardest" relationship, where the overarching goal is equality of the parties. This relationship requires a lot of hard work by both parties to stay in balance and successful, and can easily go off the rails. This seems to be the predominant relationship model of our times, but has lots of disadvantages.

Her third relationship type she calls "the easiest." This is where one party willingly submits to the other. This works, Dr. Hantman says, if the dominant party is "nice and sane." Her examples here are a woman (who may well be smarter and more intuitive than the man) submitting to a man. She talks about how this can be difficult for a woman who believes in feminism, etc. Obviously, for a man to step forward to be submissive in the relationship has its difficulties too.

Elsewhere Dr. Hantman points out that the gender roles in her relationship discussions are interchangeable, although she does only discuss the woman submitting in her discussion of the "easiest" type of relationship. Your website and the success of couples following the AHF approach seems to be the missing discussion, the flip side. I would agree that it likely works better your way than the other way.

I was even more struck by Dr. Hantman 's points on the problems of long-term married sexual relationships. She says:

"When women get married they seem to expect that their husbands will be thrilled to get sex whenever she feels like ‘giving it’ to him. Most women don't have a clue how important the physical act of sex is to men. They look at their apparently reasonable, sane husbands, right track, not avant-garde, not eccentric, not living on the edge--husbands who are writers, truck drivers, psychologists, carpenters, businessmen, accountants, teachers, lawyers, etc.--and they imagine that this is correlated to their sexual fantasies. It's not. Most women have no idea what complicated, intricate erotic fantasies men have."

Later she points out that single women have a genuine, uninhibited sex drive that often is suppressed in a woman who has been long married, and that men often don't communicate their true desires to their wives:

"This is one of the reasons second marriages have the potential to succeed more than first marriages. The older man comes to realize how wild and how particular his [fantasies are], but he's comfortable about it, not ashamed. If he's willing to share this with the woman he's falling in love with, and if she is willing to have fun with it, they will have the most successful of all types of relationships.Uninhibited, unrepressed, shared, not kept a secret, wild and safe."

To me this is what is going on with men who introduce AHF ideas to their marriage. Their wives are shocked to learn of their husband’s deep seated desire to submit, yet they keep an open mind, which seems to be the single biggest barrier judging from the letters to your site. Women approached by their men seeking an AHF relationship who do get past the sense of "weirdness" can get to an acknowledged relationship that is the "easiest."

Anyway, I found Dr. Hantman's views -- based on a lot of experience with couples -- to be unconventional and refreshingly sensible, and quite consistent with things you have said over and over on this web site.

Mike in NH

Ken responds…

I absolutely loved your letter, and I went on to read the entire article to which you sent the link, as did Emily. I know that Emily sent an email to Dr. Hantman earlier this week, but she has not yet responded as of the time that this update is being published.

As Emily and I have written here before, the charade of shared authority in a relationship works for neither party, and on this point, we seem to be in perfect agreement with Dr. Hantman. It is good to hear an apparently credible source reinforcing this point.

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Dear Emily and Ken:

In the September letters, Pam wrote: "I also now see that managing your husband's orgasms is very important. Ididn't want to do it before because I enjoyed classic sex (I still do), but over the last several days I have become more comfortable with oral sex, and I can see how it can be very enjoyable too. Besides, if it helps the relationship, I am happy to have a little less classic sex and a little more oral sex."

As I proceed, please excuse me if I overstep your preference to avoid detailsor detailed accounts. It is not intentional.

I'm not certain of what Pam means by "classic sex." If she means penetration as we usually think about it, then I'm not sure why she has to have "a little less" in the interests of orgasm management. Part of my late wife'sapproach to orgasm management was to tell me that she wanted me to get in touch with my body, by which she meant that I was to understand myself well enough topause as close to orgasm as possible. In this way, she could have all the ‘classic sex’ that she wanted while still managing my orgasms. In fact, that's what she liked most about it: penetrative intercourse became first and foremost a matterof her satisfaction.

Were there "accidents"? Sure, and they had consequences until I learned toget in touch with my body well enough to know when to pause. I believe that my wife would have regarded this as a critical part of orgasm management had she been familiar with the term. I'm interested to know -- and I'll bet thatyour other readers are, too -- to what extent you see the husband's responsibilities in orgasm management.

Thanks for reading,

Unsigned

Ken responds…

I believe that the husband is intensely involved in the shared responsibility of orgasm management, even as I believe strongly that the wife is the final arbiter of when and if he is allowed to climax. The behavior you described between you and your wife is one good example. When a submissive man engages in any activity with his wife that might lead to his own orgasm, strong communication and excellent discipline are absolutely necessary to maintain her control of the situation.

Also, men are responsible for sharing their thoughts on orgasm management and how their current schedule is impacting the intensity of their submission. As wise and thoughtful as our wives are, they cannot always read our minds. Honest communication is important.

On a more basic note, men are responsible for abstaining when their wives are not around to ensure compliance. We have often danced around posting solutions to this problem online, and we continue to feel that for now, in this forum, we will simply advocate self-discipline. However, women who write us with a sincere request for additional help on this topic will always get a quick but informed reply

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Dear Emily,

Question: Is it possible to find a woman who would enjoy being in a Female Led/Wife Led relationship and who understands this part of my psyche or should I continue keeping my fantasy in my head?

My experience has been that most women are looking more for a dominant man. In my attempt to find advice from those who proclaim to have specific knowledge with Female Led relationships, all I find is that they want money and never give advice or never want to meet in person for counseling. In other words, they are trying to tap into the sexual high that people feel in the moment in order to get money. If this type of relationship is possible, how do you find it, and how do I identify these women?

I am a very athletic (run, bike, fly, lift weights), intelligent, financially (several homes, cars, retirement, no debt) stable guy. Well it is awkward to say, I do believe that I am attractive and have been told so by many women. I envision having a family and living a typical outward type of life (community service, raising children, and loving and adoring my wife). I've never married. Most relationships end relatively short. Most women I choose are very beautiful and intelligent and fall in love with me right away, until they sense something is different. They find me doing all the house chores and not being more aggressive physically. I've never broached the topic with them, primarily because when it comes to sex, I tend to be on the shy side.

Again is this type of relationship really possible for me?

George

Ken responds…

George, I do appreciate your writing us, but with all due respect, you sound a bit like a whiner. I accept your letter at face value, so I believe that you have everything going for you that a woman would desire in a man. You have no trouble getting women, but you say you are unwilling to bring this topic up with them because of your shyness.

Most women do not enter into relationship looking to control a submissive man. However, most loving, open-minded women will accept the submission of the man that they love, and properly informed, they will work to make a wife-led relationship a success for both parties.

Will you ever find the woman you seek? I do not know. What I do know is that you will never find her if you keep your secrets locked up inside of you.

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Dear Emily,

I am not sure how to go about solving our "problem". I am married to a beautiful woman for thirteen years. We are very happy together for the most part, but have some issues that need help. I stay at home, take care of our daughter, and go to school full-time. I also completely worship my wife. I do most of the laundry, dishes, cleaning, etc; although, I admit not very well at times. I've offered to learn how to do her pedicure, wash her car- anything. She has final say over finances and most things.

The funny thing is that she seems to like having control. However, she seems to have no interest in reinforcing that control with the verbal cues or the sexual behavior that you lay out on your site. I've tried giving her your book and she just dismisses it and says, "I already do make the decisions, and you do most of the work around the house."

I guess what I am trying to say is that I am willing to do anything, but she is not interested in even the most subtle version of AHF. I've expressed that I would rather her tell me to do things around the house than to ask me. It's all a joke to her. She likes making jokes about it, but would rather "nag" me than just tell me to do something with firm authority.

Maybe I want too much? And her lack of interest leaves me feeling very insecure. I don't know what to do. Please, any advice would be so appreciated. We have no sex life as she is not interested at all. We have discussions all the time about it. I believe I have tried everything

Thank you,

David

Ken responds…

You have tried everything to communicate your feelings, but perhaps you need help in articulating them in a way that works for her. Show her your simple letter as I have edited it above, and ask her again to read the book. Also, avoid the overtly sexual language which was abundant in the original version of your letter. This is first and foremost about greater intimacy between the two of you, and the sexual techniques we teach are a means to that intimacy.

Until she is given clear reasons that make sense in the context of her needs, she is unlikely to come around. Tell her how important it is to you, and I suspect she will make the necessary effort.

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Greetings Emily (and Ken),

I am one of those who has never had the courage to suggest a female-led relationship to my wife. The reasons are typical but ironic. Her reaction as a 50s born farm girl to something so far from her early concept of marriage is my greatest fear.

The irony is that she is also a 70s educated woman with strong feelings about equality for women and a chip on her shoulder about men who don't do their part. I believe she felt we were fairly equal in our domestic duties until the children were born, and she stayed home for a few years. We then seemed to slip into our parents’ role model for a while mostly out of convenience more than politics or ideology. When she returned to the workplace these habits brought out that old chip on the shoulder, except now it was directed at me. Understand that I've always cooked and cleaned and done laundry, but I also travel a lot on business, and if the bathroom needs cleaning she doesn't wait until Friday to get it done. I suppose it's easy for this to feel "same ol' same old" for her.

Much of our behavior, both in and out of the bedroom, seems on the verge of a female-centric relationship, but I just haven't been able to make an overt statement. Now with the kids finally away this fall, I'm reconsidering my strategy and would love to hear your suggestions.

Any thoughts from either you or Ken would be greatly appreciated.

Steven

Ken responds…

Why do so many men who write us want us to recommend a path to an AHF marriage other than what we suggest on our site? I could see if you had tried to give your wife the book, and she refused to read it, or if you tried unsuccessfully to talk to her about your feelings (like the letter above), why you might write seeking suggestions. You, however, have done neither.

Does your wife not love you dearly? Do you not have a lifetime of shared experiences bonding you together? Do you honestly think you – not the ideas, but you – will be rejected?

Overcome your fears and open up to your wife.

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Our books and CD’s can be found at www.lulu.com/aroundherfinger/