I'm 48 and my husband is 51, and we've been married for over twenty-four years. For years he was very controlling and wanted to be in charge, but gradually he changed and became more and more attentive to me. Little by little he took on more chores and listened to my opinions, eventually letting me make more and more decisions about various things. I used to nag a lot, but as he changed so did I. I all but stopped nagging, but on the other hand I seldom asked him to anything he didn't volunteer to do.
Several months ago, he came home with Around Her Finger and gave it to me. He told me he had read it and thought that following its advice would be very good for our relationship. When I read it my first reaction was that we already had a relationship much like what the book described and no changes were needed. After finishing the book, however, I realized that a big change was needed, not for my sake, but for his.
For starters, we had a conversation, and we formally agreed that I am now the head of the household. We agreed that he can give me his opinions and can even tell me when he disagrees with my decisions, but he also knows that my decisions are final and he must comply with them. Actually doing this was very difficult for me at first because my natural inclination was to defer to him, but over time I got used to it and I now feel it's working very well. I now make all the important decisions, regardless of how it affects my husband or how much money is involved. I give him tasks and he does everything I ask him to do. I can tell he is happy with this arrangement and so am I. I get a lot of benefits and I don’t feel guilty because he actually wants it to be this way.
One thing I don't like is denying him orgasms, so I do it only once in a while, when he slacks or his attitude towards me becomes less respectful than we agreed it should be. Sometimes I do it just to keep him on edge - funny as it may sound, he hates it and loves it at the same time. This I do mostly for him, because quite honestly I miss out as well when I deprive him.
Feeling more empowered has also made me feel more comfortable about dressing a little differently. I changed the way I dress to shorter skirts and lower-cut tops, especially when I go out with him. I have noticed that he seems to be a little more attentive to me – a little more submissive than normal - when he finds other men admiring me. At the beginning it made me uncomfortable, but I don't mind anymore.
I just wanted to share our story with you. I think the book's advice is very useful, maybe not for every couple, but certainly for some like us. We are definitely a happier couple and not bored at all after so many years of marriage.
Deborah (New York City)
Emily responds…
Congratulations on the success of your marriage, female-led and otherwise. I found your comments on thinking that you already were leading a relationship like this very interesting. You were very wise to note that the missing component was the open acknowledgement of your roles in the relationship.
If there are certain components of the relationship dynamic that you only want to use sparingly, this is just fine and in fact perfect for the two of you. Orgasm management is difficult to get right, and your sparing application of it seems to be at equilibrium with your mutual love/hate relationship with the practice.
As to your comment on his submission peaking following your new style of dress and increased attention from other men, I would say that this is incredibly typical. Attention from other men is demonstrable evidence of your sexual empowerment and often a trigger for deeply submissive thoughts.
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Dear Emily,
Brian and I have been married for almost six years. On our fifth anniversary he gave me a copy of Around Her Finger and asked me to take control of him and of the home. I was surprised that he would ask, but after reading the book, I decided to try it. We have been in a female-dominated marriage since then, and I love it! Brian does a lot around the house and never complains. In fact he seems to be always eager for more. As a rule, he always satisfies me in bed first, before I decide if I will allow him to get his release. Sometimes I tell him to kneel down while he does it and I really enjoy the feeling of power. It enhances my pleasure and lately I've been asking him to do it more often.
For our sixth anniversary, which is coming soon, I'm planning to tell him that I want to increase my control over him and that from now on he will have to ask for my permission to go out or to spend any money at all. I also plan to tell him that from then on he must always be on his knees when pleasuring me without my having to ask. Do you think this will work or am I risking it by going too far too quickly? I don't want to lose what I already have but if I can get more, I want it. Please give me your advice soon before our anniversary in mid-July.
Brenda in Florida
Emily responds…
If you enjoy having him on his knees when pleasing you, then by all means insist on it. I do not doubt for a moment that he will enjoy this as well, and I dare say you could go quite a bit further than that. I think the same is true for taking control of his going out or spending money. He will thank you for this as he knows you are a better judge of how to spend his time and money than he is. You will make decisions that are in your mutual best interest, and he knows this.
Congratulations on the ongoing success of your relationship.
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Dear Emily,
Feeling more empowered has also made me feel more comfortable about dressing a little differently. I changed the way I dress to shorter skirts and lower-cut tops, especially when I go out with him. I have noticed that he seems to be a little more attentive to me – a little more submissive than normal - when he finds other men admiring me. At the beginning it made me uncomfortable, but I don't mind anymore.
I just wanted to share our story with you. I think the book's advice is very useful, maybe not for every couple, but certainly for some like us. We are definitely a happier couple and not bored at all after so many years of marriage.
Deborah (New York City)
Emily responds…
Congratulations on the success of your marriage, female-led and otherwise. I found your comments on thinking that you already were leading a relationship like this very interesting. You were very wise to note that the missing component was the open acknowledgement of your roles in the relationship.
If there are certain components of the relationship dynamic that you only want to use sparingly, this is just fine and in fact perfect for the two of you. Orgasm management is difficult to get right, and your sparing application of it seems to be at equilibrium with your mutual love/hate relationship with the practice.
As to your comment on his submission peaking following your new style of dress and increased attention from other men, I would say that this is incredibly typical. Attention from other men is demonstrable evidence of your sexual empowerment and often a trigger for deeply submissive thoughts.
-----
Dear Emily,
Brian and I have been married for almost six years. On our fifth anniversary he gave me a copy of Around Her Finger and asked me to take control of him and of the home. I was surprised that he would ask, but after reading the book, I decided to try it. We have been in a female-dominated marriage since then, and I love it! Brian does a lot around the house and never complains. In fact he seems to be always eager for more. As a rule, he always satisfies me in bed first, before I decide if I will allow him to get his release. Sometimes I tell him to kneel down while he does it and I really enjoy the feeling of power. It enhances my pleasure and lately I've been asking him to do it more often.
For our sixth anniversary, which is coming soon, I'm planning to tell him that I want to increase my control over him and that from now on he will have to ask for my permission to go out or to spend any money at all. I also plan to tell him that from then on he must always be on his knees when pleasuring me without my having to ask. Do you think this will work or am I risking it by going too far too quickly? I don't want to lose what I already have but if I can get more, I want it. Please give me your advice soon before our anniversary in mid-July.
Brenda in Florida
Emily responds…
If you enjoy having him on his knees when pleasing you, then by all means insist on it. I do not doubt for a moment that he will enjoy this as well, and I dare say you could go quite a bit further than that. I think the same is true for taking control of his going out or spending money. He will thank you for this as he knows you are a better judge of how to spend his time and money than he is. You will make decisions that are in your mutual best interest, and he knows this.
Congratulations on the ongoing success of your relationship.
-----
Dear Emily,
My husband dropped the bomb on me about one month ago. I think I have accepted most of the concepts willingly except I told him several times NO physical type punishment. I just don't get it, and it is a turn off for me. He still sends me emails with info on it as if he's trying to convince me it's okay. What do I do to get him to leave me alone about it before I up and say forget about everything? I'm tired of him making me feel guilty because he is deprived.
Other than this issue, everything is working out beautifully. I feel comfortable writing to you because any other site I've seen on this subject lumps a lot of behaviors together and your site leaves that to the individuals.
Other than this issue, everything is working out beautifully. I feel comfortable writing to you because any other site I've seen on this subject lumps a lot of behaviors together and your site leaves that to the individuals.
Thank you.
Unsigned
Emily responds…
Physical “punishment” is not something we discuss on our site or in any of our books or CD’s. We believe that an open and ongoing acknowledgement of the wife’s authority combined with orgasm management are the fundamentals of a successful female-led relationship. Any other bells and whistles that a husband might request are entirely up to the wife’s discretion. You are entitled to consider his requests and then accept or dismiss them as you see fit. You are the head of household, you make the rules, and you set the guidelines… period, end of story. Get him stripped and kneeling in front of you tonight. In this humbled position, remind him of this fact and that you will not entertain any more discussion on the topic.
As a final note, it seems to me that given your husband’s repeated requests, that this “punishment” would be no punishment at all. If he really requires discipline beyond orgasm management, take away privileges. Do not allow him to watch his favorite television shows, go golfing with the boys, etc. Make sure that you are giving him the discipline with the end of making him a better husband and the relationship work better. It should not merely be to play into a fantasy role that he has imagined for you.
Letters from Men
Dear Ken,
At the beginning of this year, I gave my wife your book and CD. She ignored it for two months before I finally got up the nerve to ask her about it. She told me then that she was not interested. I felt defeated but not entirely rejected. I still had a beautiful wife and a great relationship; I just didn’t have the whole loving female authority thing coming together like I would have liked.
Well, last week was our anniversary. She surprised me when I got home from work by leaving me a note. It said to take off all of my clothes and come into the bedroom. She was waiting for me in a chair, and she was reading your book! She had me kneel in front of her, and she gave me what I really wanted for my anniversary which was a whole new outlook on our relationship. She made it very clear who would be in charge in the house going forward, and she also set the ground rules for how everything would work. There was a great deal of intimacy that followed, and it represented the first time ever that I had my orgasms “managed”. Wow, you are not kidding when you say it has a powerful impact on men’s mental state. I felt like I was on cloud nine, and I stayed up most of the night watching my beautiful wife as she slept.
Interestingly, she told me that once she realized I didn’t have to have LFA to be happy, it was much easier to embrace the concept. The quality of our relationship in the time between sharing the idea and her coming around to it really made the difference for her. She wanted to be loved for her own sake and not for playing a role that any woman could have filled.
Thanks from both me and my wife,
Terry in Pennsylvania
Ken responds…
This is an encouraging letter to any man who had come forward to his wife with his feelings but has not yet had her accept our concepts. Time is on your side, and Terry’s comments give us an interesting insight into why a waiting period might be necessary for many women.
-----
Dear Ken,
My wife and I have been active in an Around Her Finger-style relationship for the last two of our fifteen years of marriage. It began when I bought her your book and showed her your site. I would say that it worked very well at first, but then tailed off in terms of effectiveness as it was difficult to maintain the intensity of the submissive feeling over time. That is, anyway, until she really started experimenting more with the concept or orgasm management.
I think sometimes on your site you over-simplify the subtle ways with which a wife can practice orgasm management by reducing what really is a fine art to just basic metrics. For example, you talk some about the number of orgasms per week/month or percentage of times a husband is allowed release, etc. In our experience, what we have found to be most important is the level of intimacy combined with how close she can bring me to climax before pulling back. I’ll explain, and I hope this doesn’t go further than you like to get in terms of detail on your site.
My wife has a number of techniques for bringing me close to orgasm, but then not permitting it to continue all the way. Very often, but not always, she will begin by having me perform oral sex on her or bring her to orgasm through the use of a vibrating toy of some sort. Then, after she has experienced an orgasm she will allow me to have sex with her. Sometimes she will be on top, sometimes I will be on top, but always there is an understanding that I am to let her know when I am getting close. Then she will slow down and try to bring me as close as possible to orgasm while whispering to me something that reinforces her control over me. For example, she may tell me what she wants done the next day or maybe she’ll just tell me how much she loves the way that she is in control and I obey her. Then, when I am getting even closer, she has me pull out. Afterwards, she’ll have me rub and kiss her feet while we just talk and share our thoughts, and not just about sex, but about anything. We both find that this is an excellent way to make use of all of the emotional energy that comes from bringing me to the brink of orgasm and then stopping me.
On the rare occasion that she pushes it too far and I actually have an orgasm, she will then have me go down on her afterwards. Although some readers may find this a little odd, I know that she finds it incredibly intimate, and oddly enough I do as well. (I realize this may be too much for your site).
So I don’t write this letter to be critical, I just think there are additional dimensions to orgasm management that I think you and your readers should consider. They have certainly worked wonders for helping us take our relationship to the next level.
Unsigned
Emily responds…
While I usually let Ken respond to the letters from men, I wanted to personally respond to your letter. Your wife is a brilliant practitioner of LFA, and you are lucky to have her. Also, I am a fan of her suggestion of having you go down on her after your climax. I often have Ken do this for me, and I agree with your wife that it is incredibly intimate.
Interestingly, Ken says that he is turned on by the idea of doing this up to and until the moment at which he orgasms, then he loses interest. To me this is precisely the reason for making him do this. Women must remind their husbands that even after a climax, after their male hormone-charged brains have returned to normal, they are still expected to obey. Even though the sexual enthusiasm for intimacy is gone, the dynamic of loving female authority and the expectation of his obedience remains as strong as ever.
-----
Our books and CD’s can be found at www.lulu.com/aroundherfinger/
Emily responds…
Physical “punishment” is not something we discuss on our site or in any of our books or CD’s. We believe that an open and ongoing acknowledgement of the wife’s authority combined with orgasm management are the fundamentals of a successful female-led relationship. Any other bells and whistles that a husband might request are entirely up to the wife’s discretion. You are entitled to consider his requests and then accept or dismiss them as you see fit. You are the head of household, you make the rules, and you set the guidelines… period, end of story. Get him stripped and kneeling in front of you tonight. In this humbled position, remind him of this fact and that you will not entertain any more discussion on the topic.
As a final note, it seems to me that given your husband’s repeated requests, that this “punishment” would be no punishment at all. If he really requires discipline beyond orgasm management, take away privileges. Do not allow him to watch his favorite television shows, go golfing with the boys, etc. Make sure that you are giving him the discipline with the end of making him a better husband and the relationship work better. It should not merely be to play into a fantasy role that he has imagined for you.
Letters from Men
Dear Ken,
At the beginning of this year, I gave my wife your book and CD. She ignored it for two months before I finally got up the nerve to ask her about it. She told me then that she was not interested. I felt defeated but not entirely rejected. I still had a beautiful wife and a great relationship; I just didn’t have the whole loving female authority thing coming together like I would have liked.
Well, last week was our anniversary. She surprised me when I got home from work by leaving me a note. It said to take off all of my clothes and come into the bedroom. She was waiting for me in a chair, and she was reading your book! She had me kneel in front of her, and she gave me what I really wanted for my anniversary which was a whole new outlook on our relationship. She made it very clear who would be in charge in the house going forward, and she also set the ground rules for how everything would work. There was a great deal of intimacy that followed, and it represented the first time ever that I had my orgasms “managed”. Wow, you are not kidding when you say it has a powerful impact on men’s mental state. I felt like I was on cloud nine, and I stayed up most of the night watching my beautiful wife as she slept.
Interestingly, she told me that once she realized I didn’t have to have LFA to be happy, it was much easier to embrace the concept. The quality of our relationship in the time between sharing the idea and her coming around to it really made the difference for her. She wanted to be loved for her own sake and not for playing a role that any woman could have filled.
Thanks from both me and my wife,
Terry in Pennsylvania
Ken responds…
This is an encouraging letter to any man who had come forward to his wife with his feelings but has not yet had her accept our concepts. Time is on your side, and Terry’s comments give us an interesting insight into why a waiting period might be necessary for many women.
-----
Dear Ken,
My wife and I have been active in an Around Her Finger-style relationship for the last two of our fifteen years of marriage. It began when I bought her your book and showed her your site. I would say that it worked very well at first, but then tailed off in terms of effectiveness as it was difficult to maintain the intensity of the submissive feeling over time. That is, anyway, until she really started experimenting more with the concept or orgasm management.
I think sometimes on your site you over-simplify the subtle ways with which a wife can practice orgasm management by reducing what really is a fine art to just basic metrics. For example, you talk some about the number of orgasms per week/month or percentage of times a husband is allowed release, etc. In our experience, what we have found to be most important is the level of intimacy combined with how close she can bring me to climax before pulling back. I’ll explain, and I hope this doesn’t go further than you like to get in terms of detail on your site.
My wife has a number of techniques for bringing me close to orgasm, but then not permitting it to continue all the way. Very often, but not always, she will begin by having me perform oral sex on her or bring her to orgasm through the use of a vibrating toy of some sort. Then, after she has experienced an orgasm she will allow me to have sex with her. Sometimes she will be on top, sometimes I will be on top, but always there is an understanding that I am to let her know when I am getting close. Then she will slow down and try to bring me as close as possible to orgasm while whispering to me something that reinforces her control over me. For example, she may tell me what she wants done the next day or maybe she’ll just tell me how much she loves the way that she is in control and I obey her. Then, when I am getting even closer, she has me pull out. Afterwards, she’ll have me rub and kiss her feet while we just talk and share our thoughts, and not just about sex, but about anything. We both find that this is an excellent way to make use of all of the emotional energy that comes from bringing me to the brink of orgasm and then stopping me.
On the rare occasion that she pushes it too far and I actually have an orgasm, she will then have me go down on her afterwards. Although some readers may find this a little odd, I know that she finds it incredibly intimate, and oddly enough I do as well. (I realize this may be too much for your site).
So I don’t write this letter to be critical, I just think there are additional dimensions to orgasm management that I think you and your readers should consider. They have certainly worked wonders for helping us take our relationship to the next level.
Unsigned
Emily responds…
While I usually let Ken respond to the letters from men, I wanted to personally respond to your letter. Your wife is a brilliant practitioner of LFA, and you are lucky to have her. Also, I am a fan of her suggestion of having you go down on her after your climax. I often have Ken do this for me, and I agree with your wife that it is incredibly intimate.
Interestingly, Ken says that he is turned on by the idea of doing this up to and until the moment at which he orgasms, then he loses interest. To me this is precisely the reason for making him do this. Women must remind their husbands that even after a climax, after their male hormone-charged brains have returned to normal, they are still expected to obey. Even though the sexual enthusiasm for intimacy is gone, the dynamic of loving female authority and the expectation of his obedience remains as strong as ever.
-----
Our books and CD’s can be found at www.lulu.com/aroundherfinger/
