February 2008 Updates

Welcome to the February Updates

February is our favorite month. What other month gives husbands the opportunity to fill a lovely Hallmark card with an open discussion of love and relationships? We have a free Around Her Finger t-shirt (available for purchase for your valentine here) for the most creative "confessional valentine" that anyone wants to share with us.


We have received many positive responses to our becoming involved in the FSG Charter Survey. If anyone would still like to participate in the survey, data collection still remains open. Just email me with your interest in taking the fifteen minute survey, and we will email you a link and password. Also, please email me with any questions, success stories, or comments about our site.

Emily (dot) Addison (at) gmail.com

Our books and CD’s are available for purchase at:

http://www.lulu.com/aroundherfinger

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Letters from Women

Dear Emily,

I am really hoping for your advice, since I really have no one to talk to about this. I have read through almost every letter on your blog.

About eight weeks ago my husband of five years pointed me to the link to your website. My first reaction was no way, but I do know how in his fantasy life he dreams of being female-dominated. So we have been giving it a go. And we have been having some fun and he tells me he is the happiest he has ever been. But I am so confused, because I can't figure out how to balance this with the life we have. And I feel really sad sometimes, because I feel like there has been some loss of intimacy. Sometimes when we do [some of the kinkier things], I feel so disconnected and like it has nothing to do with me - or us.

The background to this is that we have a two year old and a four year old and our sex life had been dismal...probably due to the fact that I am constantly tired and always have a lot going on. Clearly I needed to pay A LOT more attention to my husband. The other part of our background is that while we have not been having regular sex, my husband had been spending A LOT of time on the computer on the many female domination websites out there. I am sure you know they are very graphic. I knew about this for a long time, and there were time I would cry to sleep because he was sitting in the dark with the computer and not me.

When he came to me with your website, he confessed he would stop all porn on-line if I would give this a shot. So after initial rejection I have been really trying to make it work. And like I said - I have been having fun, I am more relaxed, and I feel sexier. We have been talking in detail about what works and what does not work. Sometimes I feel closer to him then ever. Sometimes it is exhausting. And sometimes I feel like I cannot give my husband the complete attention he wants. Does that make sense? I have been working hard at not making him last in the line up of our kids and my work and our life in general.

Here is the thing - he tells me I am not giving him enough. He means [kinky activity]. I think he still wants what he saw on the computer and I am not there - in spirit or energy. We go along for a week and I think we are doing great - he has a list of chores, I egg him along, and I make him keep a blog so he remembers that I AM playing along. I am a strong woman and generally comfortable being in charge - and pretty much have been for our entire marriage except for our sex life.

This past week we were both away for work and tonight finally both alone and tired, but happy to be together. I just wanted to be with him and have some good, yummy inimate sex and feel close to him. Instead we got into a heated discussion about how he needed more. Here is what he blogged earlier in the day:

Funny how 3 days "off the wagon" makes a difference. I'm not really feeling the submissive thing right now. Definitely had no intention of stripping the bed this AM until she called me on it.

I feel like I am not getting it. I feel like everyday I have to have a plan of what I am doing with him to be in the mood. I feel very alone in all of this as I have no one to turn to talk to about this. I know I am rambling and not being very concise - I think it is because I can't quite put my finger on what is happening. We are having such huge highs and lows since we started. It seems so much more complicated then what I read.

Any advice would be so appreciated.

Unsigned

Emily responds…

I think your husband is acting like a jerk, and I think you need to make this more about his submission to your authority and less about giving him what he thinks he wants. Around Her Finger techniques in a healthy marriage are not about fantasy fulfillment, they are about truly changing the dynamics of spousal authority to affect a better relationship. If the kinky stuff makes you uncomfortable, do not do it at all. If you are ok with, and even enjoy it, then do it as reward for his extended good behavior. Do not let him manipulate you as he is clearly trying to do. That said, if he is like most submissive men, he does need overt reminders of your authority. However, he does not need specific activities prescribed by him to you.

Be stern and very clear with your expectations. Make a list of what you want out of your relationship. Keep it short and high-level, and make sure that he is first and foremost serving your needs. Take whatever measures are necessary to make certain he is not cheating on your orgasm management, and when you want vanilla intimacy, you will get it. Keep him away from the computer. Keep him with you in the evenings after your children go to bed. He should either be on his knees serving you in some way, or cuddled up on the couch with you giving you what you need. When you go to bed, he goes to bed with you, or if he has been difficult, he sleeps on the floor next to you.

Tell him every morning and every night that you expect to be obeyed and respected, whether he is in the mood or not. Follow this by having him make some tangible, physical and intimate expression of his service to you.

You can and will improve your situation with resolve and patience.

Letters from Men

Hi, Emily--


Thanks for your thoughtful response to a woman who wrote last month who feared she was having an identity crisis. I would add that while labels like "head of household" are a convenient code for discussion, we should avoid defining ourselves by them lest it lead to the very problem she's facing. My late wife and I had what we considered a wife-led marriage. She directed my behavior and assured my submission by combining orgasm management spiced with an occasional scolding or lecture. She could get me to do her bidding by calling loudly across the house or with a simple change in expression. I will never forget wandering into the kitchen to find her contemplating a sink full of dirty dishes. She cocked one eyebrow at me; I stopped what I was doing on the spot to tackle the dishes!


At the same time, she was warm, funny, tender, and appreciative. We had fun with all of this, and I don't think it could have worked if we hadn't. Also, there were plenty of parts of our life that she had no desire to control or take charge of. She trusted me with them, and I gave her no reason to regret it. Simple things like family vacations we planned together, and she wanted it that way.


My counsel to this woman is to do what is comfortable, makes sense, and is fun while -- as you say -- growing into her and husband's new relationship. Trust herself, trust the relationship, and the rest will fall into place over time.


Unsigned

Emily responds…


What a beautiful letter, and one that sets the tone for what we try and accomplish on this site. This is the letter of the month, and the one that I am most proud to post and honored to respond to personally.

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Dear Emily and Ken,


I found your website about six months ago and I am very intrigued by it. I would like to explore loving female authority in my marriage, but I have a few questions. How does one know when they are really ready to commit? Sometimes I think I'm ready and other times not? What does a typical day consist of for Ken? Does he have to have your permission to spend time with his friends?

I enjoy your monthly updates hearing from other people on the subject.

Unsigned

Ken responds…

All good questions, but let me start my answers with the basics. I am submissive to Emily, but first and foremost, I am her husband and not some mindless slave. I make the vast majority of my own decisions, but for important decisions which involve her in any way, I defer to her judgement. She listens to me and values my opinion, but if she disagrees, she has final say.

On weekdays, I get up and leave the house before she does. I make the coffee, and I get her breakfast ready for her to make. (I would make it, but it would be cold by the time she got up if I did that). I do most, but not all of the housework. I give her foot rubs very often, but not every night. I give her massages less often, but still at least twice a week, and sometimes much more than that. I do sometimes go out with my friends, but I usually spend most of that time wishing I were with Emily anyway.

When we go out with other couples, I am respectful and loving to her, like any good husband should be. I very, very rarely give her any reason to be cross with me. I see keeping her happy as a one of my most important goals, and I work very hard at this. If she senses I am tired or very busy, she cuts me slack. She is a wonderful wife and cares very much about my happiness as well.

When do you know if you are ready to commit? If you know you are submissive, you already know you will not really be happy until you finally do. There is no better time to start than the present. Show her this site, writer her a letter, or buy her our book, CD, etc., but one way or the other, tell her.

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Dear Ken,

I wish there was a way that fans of your site could connect with each other.

You have said in the past that you are not open to a forum or reply posts on your updates page because you feel it is important to control the messaging associated with Around Her Finger. I respect this and admire the fact that you and Emily have kept the original mission of the site in place after years of consistent updates. However, I have a suggestion that I wonder if you might consider posting in the updates section.

Because many of your readers have public profile on some of the [social networking] sites, I wonder if I could implore them all to post the words “Emily Addison” and/or “Around Her Finger” on those sites in some way. They could either do it in their profiles or in their journal updates. This way I could find them by doing a search and reach out to add them to my “friends” group.

What do you think?

Eric in Ft. Lauderdale

Ken responds…

I like your suggestion. We can see how that goes, but I also promise to look into the possibility of creating a private Around Her Finger group that we can moderate to still maintain some sense of control over the content.

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Dear Emily and Ken,

I have read quite a lot of what your site has to offer and it has left me feeling faintly disturbed. I can understand the state of mind you describe, where an unfulfilled submissive spends much, if not all his waking hours thinking about his submissive fantasies. The only problem is that, to me, this state of mind seems dysfunctional.

For years I suffered from obsessive compulsive disorder, where all I could think about was bacteria and hygiene. I would, consequently, wash my hands obsessively dozens of times a day. I have had it under control now to the extent that my hands are no longer almost raw from over washing. My point is that it is perfectly normal to be concerned about germs, but it is dysfunctional to be obsessed with them. In the same way, it would seem that it is ok to have these kinds of fantasies (I have them myself), but dysfunctional to allow your life to be dominated by them. Allowing yourself to be subjugated to the will of another merely to satisfy the libidinous part of one's personality would seem to be a willfully gross limitation of a human being's potentially far richer mental life. Freud had a term - 'redirected libidinous drive' - in which we use some of the sexual energy resident in our psyche in pursuit of other forms of creativity and spirituality. Sex, after all, is only part of what it is to be human.Regards,


Martin
London, England

Ken responds…

Emily and I discussed your very interesting letter at some length. I hope it does not surprise you that we both agree with you on your key point. We should of course keep our impulses in check, and this is what separates us not only from the “dysfunctional” as you say, but also from the animals. Submission is an incredibly strong impulse, and controlling it is a precondition to a healthy, happy life.

We do, however, disagree with you in that I do not see submission as strictly a libidinous part of one’s personality. I see it having a very strong sexual connection, but being essentially an emotional and interpersonal dynamic. When misdirected, it expresses itself in sexual compulsions, and I think that many submissive men find themselves struggling with what might be called addictions to pornography with themes of dominant women, and some with even more concrete behaviors that are also essentially self-destructive.

However, in the context of a loving relationship, a man’s submission to a woman is an expression of his adoration, his love, and his desire to connect on a more intimate and emotional level. It is for many, decidedly “non-libidinous”. Perhaps you may think of this as redirected libidinous drive, but I prefer to think of it as an appropriately directed desire for emotional intimacy.


Maybe this is just a matter of semantics, but I have never totally bought into Freud anyway. If I have misinterpreted your point, I welcome you to write back. Your letter was a pleasure to contemplate.

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Dear Emily,

I have posted Around Her Finger translated into Dutch on the Lulu website. If you proceed to mention this Dutch version in your blog next month, you could use the following data:
Name of the book:

'OM HAAR VINGER GEWONDEN', by Ken Addison. Translated by Maximiliaan Prins.

Ordering address: http://www.lulu.com/content/1858856

I sincerely hope that in the future the phenomenon of female authority will become totally common and normal. It's also my opinion that it is the very natural order of things. Have nice greetings from me and my wife and keep up encouraging so many people.

Max Prins, The Netherlands

Ken responds…

Max… thank you for your efforts. I will certainly post the availability and location of your work. And ...for those of you wanting the good old fashioned english versions of our books and CD's:

http://www.lulu.com/aroundherfinger

Also, as we said in the opening, check out our merchandising link for great Valentines gifts.