Last month we promised an Around Her Finger t-shirt to the letter that detailed the best example of opening up to one’s spouse on Valentines Day. We actually are calling the contest a tie, and will be sending a t-shirt to the two Valentine letters that we are publishing this month that relate Valentine’s Day success stories that we can all celebrate.
As always, we invite letters and feedback. Contact me at:
Emily (dot) Addison (at) gmail.com
Our books and CD’s are available for purchase at:
www.lulu.com/aroundherfinger
Letters from Women
Dear Emily,
Emily:
Perhaps this is questionable timing, and without specifics it may be a question you cannot answer, but I would love to read your thoughts on how to discipline a disobedient husband. What would you do ...specifically ... if you believed your husband purposely disobeyed you? What if he disobeyed you in public? How, and when, would you correct him?
Unsigned
Emily responds….
Every female led relationship exists with the consent of the man, that is a given. Readers of this site also know that virtually every female led relationship exists at the request of the man. Therefore, when I hear stories of willful, public disobedience, one word comes to mind… manipulation.
Slacking off is one thing. Disobedience that arises out of frustration is yet another. However, in my mind I see absolutely no excuse for the type of behavior that you describe. I would counsel prolonged orgasm management, a formal written apology…perhaps a journal of reflection done over a period of day or weeks, and the elimination of certain desirable privaleges such as golf, free time, or whatever is valued by the offending husband.
I would absolutely not allow the behavior to trigger any sort of behavior that a submissive husband consciously or unconscious deems desirable.
-----
Dear Emily,
I am a Valentine’s Day success story! Believe it or not, I knew my husband was interested in this for at least six months. The auto-complete function in Google gave him away. I didn’t say anything or give any hints that I knew much about it, but when he gave me your book on Valentine’s Day, I told him then that I had known for months.
We came to a beautiful understanding about his submission and my expectations. Honestly, I cannot imagine why any women would be apprehensive about at least trying this. After all, it is what he wants. I am sure you got quite a few Valentine’s Day letters, but I’ll take a woman’s small if mine wins!
Unsigned
Emily responds…
Congratulations. You should have received the t-shirt by the time that this letter is published.
Letters from Men
Dear Ken,
This Valentines Day I finally pulled the trigger. I wrote her a note that expressed my feelings, and I gave her the book. She sort of looked at me like I was crazy at first, but she promised she would read the book and let me know.
It turns out that I was completely wrong to have agonized over this for as long as I did. She said that as far as she was concerned, she was already in charge in our marriage, and if I wanted to formalize that, she had no problem with it. I told her that I believed that what you have preached over and over is true. If she doesn’t formalize it, then it doesn’t exist at all.
Now that she knows I am to obey her, and she knows she is in charge, and it is a whole new world. I love LFA and I thank you and Emily for helping me make it a reality.
Unsigned
Ken responds…
I have received your address and the t-shirt is on the way! You have a much to look forward to as you grow together in your relationship.
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Dear Emily and Ken,
My Wife and I have been in a Female led Relationship for over 2 years now and both of us have never been happier. However, an issue has come up for me and I would like your advice on it.
Recently my parents had come to stay in our home for a few days over the winter. One morning my mother and father and I were in the kitchen while my wife was in the bathroom which is close by. She was putting on make-up and getting ready to go out for the morning and she said something like this to me:
"Dan I need you to go get my car warmed up for me. Actually I also need you to take it and get gas in it for me. While you are there I want get me a cup of hot choclate.T hank you."
I sinply replied "OK" and went to get my coat. My wife was very non-chalant in her tone (albiet a little expectant), but my mom quicky confronted me about what had just occurred. She said in a hushed voice so my wife would not hear "Does she boss you around like that all the time?" My father nodded his head in agreement. I responded that it was no big deal and that I was sure I had said things in that fashion to her too (which really is not true but moving right along). Anyway my mom simply nodded her head but had a frown on her face and I could tell she didn't like seeing her son being bossed around.
I have not told my wife about this. I don't know whether I should tell her and see if she thought she should be more careful around my parents, or simply hope the subject does not come up again. I am afraid revealing this could hurt my wife's feelings. Conversly, I am wondering whether i shouldn't step a little out of the closet and give them a very G rated explanation of my our marriage being a "Female led Relationship?" My parents are in their 60's and I know this would freak them out as they both are of a very traditional, patriarchal mindset. I really don't think I have the guts to do that but would be curious as to any advice you would have.
Thank you in advance for considering my question and thank you for your wonderful site.
Dan in Missouri
Ken responds...
I am grateful that you think enough of us to ask our advice on this delicate family matter. As a rule, Emily and I do not recommend that couples bring those around them into the details or even high-level principles of loving female authority. A man should be respectful and polite to his wife in public, but nothing is typically gained by revealing the female-led nature of the relationship to others.
Emily and I have discussed this, and we do not think your wife crossed the line. She obviously came close enough to it to elicit the response that she did from your parents, but generations can expect to clash when traditions (like patriarchal marriages) show signs of fading. Archie Bunker and Meathead found plenty causes for conflict, and their relationship was a far cry from LFA.
I definately think you should let your wife know about this. I suspect she would share your sensitivity to your parent's reaction, and she should be aware of the incident so she can make informed choices about how much she wants to let them know.
Really, a husband should always look to his wife as the first source of counsel on any issue or concern.
-----Hi Emily/Ken,
Here is an interesting article presenting the fact that sex and the level of male involvement in household chores have a distinct connection. The link was in our newspaper, so you can search "choreplay ottawa citizen" in Google and you'll see it. Just an interesting story that supports your philosophy that I thought you might enjoy.
Great website and literature/advice you both have.
Regards,
Mac in Ottawa
Ken responds...
Thanks for the link. The article is indeed interesting, but the housework/sex connection is certainly not a surprise to anyone that reads our site regularly. Perhaps if the article talked about actively managing orgasms to create intimacy and not just a sense of shared household duties, it would have really hit home.
Any men on the lookout for "safe" openings to initiate a conversation about female led relationships would do well to send a link to the article to their wife or girlfriend.
-----
Dear Ken,
Your site and others like it trouble me. Your site is downright genteel in comparison to some of your contemporaries, and that is even more troubling. You seem to prescribe this lifestyle to all couples, married and otherwise. In other words, you seem to think that women were destined to rule and control men and command them with impunity. If your site advocated this lifestyle for those who freely choose it, that would be one thing, but to attempt to justify the notion that all men, at least married ones, should serve women at their beck and call in every facet of life is disturbing, particularly to someone like myself who cannot fathom the motivation of someone who would choose to live their life that way.
Free will is something that all men and women were endowed with, and few would argue that it is the natural right of every man and woman. What you advocate is the surrender of that natural right by married men to their wives. And you also hold that this power-exchange, although in a mild form, is the way to true happiness for married couples. I would suggest to you that someone who has given up his right to free will is a fragmented person, not whole, and not natural. That person is in a state of subjugation, and even if it is the state they desire and enjoy, it is not beneficial in the long run for them, and does not foster them reaching their full potential as a human being. And all for the right to be married to someone who accepts this submission. I find that to be a cruel and unusual contradiction.
Tim
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Ken responds….
There is a long way between loving female authority and abdicating free will. Our site serves a very large community of men that seek to serve women because they know that it will make them more complete men and that their service will intensify the emotional and physical intimacy of their existing relationship. They do not abdicate their free will. Their voluntary submission is in fact an expression of their freedom. Even if women introduce this dynamic into their relationship, it can only work if the man is a willing participant.
Of course we do not advocate that women enslave unwilling men. That would offend me as well as it would most all of our readers. What we do advocate is that men that truly desire to serve their wives let them know that this is their wish. In turn, we want women to understand and embrace the gift of submission when men approach them with these honest and heartfelt feelings.
Really, as I see it, there is no gray area here. There is very definitely a hard line between what we actually counsel and your misinterpretation of our philosophy.
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