I hope that you all had a great holiday and have made all the appropriate promises and resolutions for the new year. Ken and I visited some relatives out of town for Christmas and New Years (which explains the late update even if it doesn't excuse it), so we are especially happy to be back home and into the more routine swing of things.
This update is exciting for us because we are announcing our new partnership with Guy Stark who is conducting a research project to better understand the nature of male submission. The research will include descriptive analysis to profile submissive men and their habits and behaviors stemming from their submission. It will also make an attempt to unearth the root causes of the submissive man's desire to surrender to the authority of a woman. This final goal is a bit ambitious, but it will at least be a bold first step in the direction of understanding cause and effect relationships that undoubtably puzzle many of us. In the end, the ultimate goal of the study is to give the women that love submissive men better clarity into the nature of submission, and ultimately make them even more capable of nurturing intimate and meaningful female-led relationships.
The study has been crafted with the guidance of a trained survey professional and social researcher, but it is not part of a formal academic program. Guy describes the methodology as quasi-scientific, but having spoken to him on the phone, I think he is being humble. While he is soliciting responses from submissive men in a number of relatively uncontrolled ways, he is using certain statistical sampling techniques (well beyond my understanding) to balance the data after the fact and approximate a scientific, random sample.
I have been asked to sit on the Board of Advisors for his organization, and I have in turn volunteered Ken to work with him in analyzing the results. While he intends to present some of the results on his own website, he has also agreed to allow us to release certain exclusive content here on the Around Her Finger updates.
In return, we have agreed to solicit our readers to participate in the study. Therefore, I am asking that any of our readers that would like to participate please send me an email. Ken or I will reply with a link to take the study as well as a password. We ask that anyone taking the study please be over the age of twenty-one, be a current US citizen, and be an acknowledged submissive. We also ask that you only take the study one time, and that you do your best to complete the entire study, and that you answer every question with complete candor. Guy assures us that the study results will be kept completely confidential, and that only high-level, summarized data will be presented when the results are released. Note that the study does contain content that extends beyond the boundaries that we would typically set for this site.
To participate, or to send me a letter or question on this topic or any other, please send an email to:
Emily.Addison (-at-) gmail.com
As always, we ask that you help support our site by considering the purchase of our books and CD’s. They are available at Lulu:
http://www.lulu.com/aroundherfinger
Letters from Women
Dear Emily,
I must not be the only woman for whom an Around Her Finger marriage represents an identity crisis. Believe me, I love everything about my husband's new behavior. His temper is gone, he is affectionate beyond my wildest dreams, his help around the house is much appreciated, and I think that we are honestly closer than ever.
My problem is that this is just not how I see myself. I never really imagined that I would be the head of the household, and I really don't feel comfortable with it. Can I expect that I will get used to this and that it will get better wtih time?
Unsigned
Emily responds...
First of all, you can definately expect to become more comfortable in your role as the dominant spouse in the relationship. You will become more accustomed to telling him what to do, and your expectations for him are likely to rise. This new level of comfort is likely to dispell any inhibitions you may have today in regard to how you relate to your husband as an authority in the relationship, and this will bring an even greater closeness in your marriage.
None of us could ever really anticipate how our relationships and even the world in which we live can change. Our grandparents and parents likely grew up with an expectation that the male would be the head of the household. Ken and I grew up believing that a marriage of equals might offer a better model. But a new era of openness has allowed many to look in their hearts and to look past what was expected of us, and instead adopt a model that will really work. For those men that have acknowledge their submission, a wife-led marriage is just that.
It sounds like your marriage is working very well. You are happy, he is blossoming in his service to you, and in your own words, you are closer than ever. Embrace your success. If you are having an identify crisis, do not think of yourself as a dominant wife, think of yourself as a successful wife.
-----
Dear Emily,
I don't ever see many letters from younger women on your site, but I wanted you to know that my friends and I all know about Around Her Finger, and we would settle for nothing less than obedient boyfriends.
I am a junior [at a large, mid-western University] and live with three other girls. Our boyfriends do all of our cooking, laundry, and house cleaning. Sometimes at night, we will be sitting around watching a movie, and all of the boys will be down on the floor rubbing our feet. So not only are they all submissive to us, but they are all aware of each other's submission, which I know for a fact is a turn-on for my boyfriend. These are cute, athletic guys, and they could easily date girls that are less high maintenace than us. They are with us because we give them the loving female authority that you say, and I agree, men crave.
The new generation is definately going to contain more and more relationships like this. It gives everybody what they need, and lets everybody be upfront about it.
[Other content was included but omitted from this letters page.]
Unsigned
Emily responds...
Your boyfriend's openness about his submission represents even a step beyond what we counsel on this site, and makes for an interesting example of how quickly this dynamic is evolving.
I hope that you do not feel as if I would be patronizing you if I were to offer you some advice. As a young person who is entering adult relationships for the first time, I think you should proceed with great care, if not for your own good than for that of the men you date. Just because these young men are so willing to serve you and your roommates, this does not release you from your obligation to treat them with the nurturing care that they deserve. Their perfect obedience gives you a great deal of freedom, but it also gives you a great deal of responsibility. Consider their interests and your best judgement as to what they are emotionally prepared to handle when making choices.
Just because something is a "turn-on" for your boyfriend, does not mean it is good for him.
Best of luck.
Letters from Men
Dear Emily and Ken,
I know that I am submissive, and my wife and I are trying a wife-led marriage. I love to work for her and help her. If she makes me a list of things to do, I love to do it. I also love giving her massages before bed and other ways of pleasing her. I feel great about serving her but sometimes have a hard time not talking back.
LikeI said, I love a list but when she just ask me to do things out of the blue, I am not as eager. I was wondering if you had any advice for us on this behavior.
Any help would be greatly appreciated,
Joe
Ken responds...
Your submissive impulses are a function of how your wife nurtures your submission. Many men find that they feel more submissive and more willing to serve their wife when she is actively and expertly managing their orgasms. However, your obligation to obey her remains constant whether you are "feeling submissive" that day or not.
Talk to your wife about withholding your orgasms. Remind her that you may need dominant verbal cues to keep you motivated. Communication and ongoing improvement are always helpful.
In the meantime, get over your lack of eagerness and do what she tells you to do.
-----
Dear Ken,
Congratulations on your site and your concept - it truly works.
It amazes me that from birth we are exposed to an authority system. As a young child we are told what we can/cannot do and what is expected of us. We go to school, and teachers tell us what we can/cannot do and what is expected of us. When we go to work the same process is in effect. In all of these our ability to negotiate is strictly limited. In school no one says, "do you think we should study literature or mathematics this afternoon?" At work, we typically don't get to negotiate what office we will occupy.
But marriage --- when we get married everything is supposed to get negotiated, and worse yet it is often done on some kind of barter system; 1 oil change = 6 loads of laundry and 2 dinners. There is no leader, and many marriages end up in the political equivalent of anarchy. Chaos prevails, selfish behavior becomes rampant, and finally something snaps.
So if we accept we need a leader - why should it not be the woman? I would say because of balance, the woman leader seems adept at balancing the needs of many --- friends, children, husbands, parents are all considered by her and she never seems to totally ignore the needs of any one group.
A wife led marriage is truly a blessing - I hope more couples discover it's joys.
Robert from Kansas City
Ken responds...
Robert, your insight echos many of the points we make in our books. I think if most men made an honest assesment of who was the more capable leader in their homes, more would be happily serving their wives.-----
Dear Emily and Ken,
In one of your letters you said that you did not know of anyone in their seventies that are of a submissive nature. Here I am! I have had submissive feelings for about as long as I can remember.
My wife and I have been in and out of a female in charge existence for many years and have, under my direction, delved into just about any kind of submissive behavior that we could come up with (No bondage and stuff like that). Nothing really worked.
My wife bless her heart did her best. Eventually we would give up and go back to "You do everything around the house and I will go back to sitting and watching TV." Not a bad life. A bit dull for her and not fulfilling for me, but it was OK.
I ran across your web and all the bells and whistles went off, we're back in the game again. Thanks to you. By the way, I just downloaded your cd. My wife hasn't listened to it yet. I am sure she will enjoy it. My advise to any of your readers is that if your wife is receptive to being in charge, you should help her by doing whatever it is that she wants you to do. Do not back off, let her become comfortable in her new authority. She is going to be afraid at times in the beginning that she will do something that will make you angry. Men if she is to be in charge, make sure that she is indeed in charge. If anyone is going to get angry make sure it is her not you, then get out there and do the damn dishes like you were told.
With the energy I have now I should live for another twenty or thirty years.
Thanks again Emily and Ken,
Dick
Ken responds...
What a fantastic letter. That was very good advice from someone that has definately had a great deal of experience with the same struggle shared by many of our readers.
And to find out that loving female authority is a tonic for energy, that puts the icing on the cake.
-----
Dear Ken and Emily,
I am writing to thank you for me stumbling- thankfully- on your wonderful website, and I am compelled to thank you from the bottom of my heart for the honest emotional explanations your site offered.
Backtracking a little, but not too far just yet. Several days ago, maybe up to a week, lying in bed, confused, guilty and thinking there’s something wrong with me, I watched my wife sleeping; beautiful, peaceful and serene. I was troubled- we’d had, yet again, the most complete and fulfilling sex only hours before- but there was something missing for me. I had a desire to submit to her that sex did not resolve.
Then the guilt set in! Why do I want her to be in control of me, am I a wimp, a lesser man for my cravings? So, there I was, probably 3:00 in the morning wracked with guilt and confusion, so I picked up my mobile and began searching the web. I think I Googled something like ‘submissive husband’, ‘Wife in control’. I found several lists of sites and articles that immediately drew me in- female led marriages, Around Her finger, wives in control. Every word I read sending a fizzle of electricity into my spine.
I recall my hands trembling and feeling an intense rush of excitement as I realized what I had probably always known. I realized there and then that I must officially declare her status in my life. I felt free, like I finally realized who I was, who we were together, and that our overwhelming powerful dynamic had to be formally acknowledged.
Having offered, and had accepted, my commitment to be the submissive partner in a wife led marriage- on Christmas day- I have a contentment like nothing before and feel more in love than ever- EVER.
Dan
Ken responds...
It is funny how the open acknowledgement and acceptance between spouses of a husband's submission seems to be the great divide between discontent and peace. You are brave to have so quickly acted on your new understanding, and blessed to have a wife that accepts you.
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