December 2006

Letters from Women

Dear Emily,

I was very excited to have discovered your site, and more importantly, to discover that there is a community of women that have embraced the idea that the wife is often, if not always, best suited to the role of head of household. I would like to share the story of how loving female authority (even though we did not call it that at the time) became the norm in our marriage, and how it has changed since discovering your website.

My husband and I met in our early twenties. We were both very educated and ambitious people. Our careers and our relationship competed for attention, but after several years of dating, we struck a good balance of what worked for us, and we became married. My husband’s career was actually the one that began to skyrocket, but as he became more and more successful, I noticed that he was becoming more and more attentive to me in the time that we spent together. It was clear that he was taking great pains to figure out what pleased me, and even greater pleasure in doing these things for me. He was rubbing my feet every night, offering me massages, and despite his long hours at work, doing much if not most of the housework.

While you would think that all of this would have been any woman’s dream, I was actually struggling with our relationship at this time. In fact, I think my husband’s behavior might have initially been a way to overcompensate for the fact that I was quite jealous of his success at work, and my competitive and naturally dominant nature was not comfortable with his greater degree of success. So while he was overcompensating by being particularly attentive, I was overcompensating by being particularly demanding and often critical. However, I noticed that the more demanding that I would become, the more he seemed to embrace my authority. I stopped asking him to do things and instead told him to do things. If he did not rub my feet long enough, I would tell him to get back down and finish. I started practicing orgasm [management] even before I had heard what the term meant. Very often, I would have him go down on me and then just roll over and go to bed when I had reached my climax.

All of this was happening in the absence of any real communication between us, and honestly, I do not know that this type of relationship would be sustainable in the absence of communication. So one evening, we finally had a real heart to heart about every aspect of our relationship. I conceded that I was very envious of his career success. He was now making tripled the money that I was making. We also discussed what I have just described in terms of how our behavior towards each other seemed to derive from my envy and his awareness of my envy, as if he felt guilty for being successful. But despite the fact that my becoming more dominant and him becoming more submissive was grounded in envy and miscommunication, it also turned out that we both liked it.

I told him that I felt I was well suited to the dominant role and liked having a sense of control and authority. He told me that nothing would make him happier than continuing and even accelerating this dynamic, so long as it was accompanied by the open dialogue and genuine affection for each other that had characterized our the earlier days of our marriage. So, years before I had even heard of loving female authority, we started practicing it.

I told you early in my letter that my marriage has changed since discovering your site, and I now want to tell you what I meant by that. I had always struggled with the fact that I thought I was the only woman in the world that had cemented my authority over my husband in the way that I had. I thought that we must have been a very peculiar circumstance, and that this was our thing and our thing alone. The discovery that there are many marriages like this, and that there are even many more men that seek out marriages like this was like lifting a weight off of my shoulders. Suddenly nothing felt strange to me about my relationship any longer.

As a result, I have become liberated in my thinking. Inhibitions that I have had about pushing limits with my husband are now gone. By being exposed to this site and others like it, I now have a better sense of the psychology that underlies my husband’s submission, and I am open to allowing him to express his love for me with submission in ways that I might not have in the past. Also, I am not so casual about my approach to orgasm [management]. My husband and I have now spoken openly about the role that is plays in our relationship, and I am no longer practicing it by chance, but rather by design. All in all, your site has given him and me much to talk about, and I think we understand each other better as a result.

Please keep up the good work that you do in your letters updates. It seems that most sites have difficulty in maintaining the steady stream of content over a long period of time. You are one of the few that has done it consistently, and I applaud you for it.

Sincerely,

Kim in New York

Emily responds…

Your letter serves to reinforce my belief that loving female authority is a completely natural evolution in the way that men and women relate to each other. You did not need an instruction manual to make it work in your marriage, it happened as a result of your husband’s innate need to serve you, and your innate desire to lead him.

I hope you will keep in touch. I suspect that there are aspects to your relationship that would provide great direction to others that are not so far along in their journey as are you and your husband.

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Dear Emily,

My husband and I have had an Around Her Finger marriage for about two and a half years. As with others that have written to this site, we have had times when the dynamic has been more intense than others, but overall, it has had a wonderful impact on our marriage, and any time that it starts to ebb in intensity, I have always been able to bring it back through some of the basic techniques that you have recommended on your site.

I write you now because of something unsettling that I just discovered in my husband’s history folder on the computer. It seems that he has been spending some time on websites that, while related to loving female authority, seem to be something entirely different than what you talk about on here and what we live at home.

I have not even confronted him about it, because I am not sure that I should have been snooping on his computer and how he will react to that. Do you have any suggestions on how to handle this? I am including some of the web addresses so that you can get an idea of what I am discussing.

Unsigned

Emily responds…

First and most importantly, of course you are entitled to look at his history folder. He surrenders any pretense to privacy, beyond what you might decide to allow, when you formally accept your new roles in the relationship. This is to both of your benefit, as your husband needs you control and guidance.

I have taken the liberty of going to the websites you forwarded me (I was familiar with most of them). I have put together a discussion guide using some of my own content as well as some cutting and pasting from the websites. I suggest that you have your husband prepare you a nice meal, and that you have him open a bottle of wine for the two of you. After dinner, sit somewhere comfortable and have him strip and kneel in front of you. Then, pull out my discussion guide, and point by point… start taking him through the material.

This will serve several key objectives. First and foremost, it will make him aware that you know about his web surfing. Let him also know that you will continue to monitor his web habits, and that you have in fact installed software so that you can more closely control his surfing (which is readily available online). Also, you want to understand his interest in these other topics. You want to get him to talk about these topics and not let him simply shrug off the discussion with short answers that hide his real thinking. It is your right and your duty to understand his sexuality. Then, when you feel you better understand him; you can make some decisions about how to proceed.

You may want to indulge some of the activities and make it perfectly clear that some of the others will never happen. Or, you may want to threaten that some of them may happen whether you really intend to move forward with them or not. One of the activities on the sites you sent me is a particularly powerful tool for reinforcing male submission from just a fantasy perspective, and you can use just the threat of it without ever having to act on it.

I have sent you my home phone number if you want to discuss this in more detail.

Letters from Men

Dear Emily and Ken,

The wife and two girls from her work usually go out one Friday a month. They just go to a local tavern that has a decent happy hour and draws a nice crowd. These "girl's nights" almost always lead to a big fight between us. My wife is 29, very attractive (easily the most attractive of the three) and outgoing, and I have to admit I do not like the idea of her putting herself out there like that. Although she denies it, and gets pissed when I say it, she is very flirtatious (she calls it outgoing) and could easily give a guy the wrong idea. Most of our fights occur because she almost always comes home much later then she says she will and always drinks to much (in my opinion). I believe that once she gets out and starts drinking, she simply forgets about coming home at a decent time, and instead goes along with whatever her friends want to do, which is drink more, hang out, and dance while I sit at home and wait. I admit that jealousy is also a factor here.

Last night was this month’s girl’s night out, and once again it was supposed to be just a few drinks and home by midnight. Since they head out at 7pm, midnight seems like a reasonable time to come home. True to form, last night she wasn't home at midnight. I tried to stay calm, as I did not want to ruin the weekend with yet another fight on this same subject. I was playing some poker online, drinking beer, and watching the clock. I hesitated to call her because that really pisses her off. She says she is the only one whose husband calls to "check up" on them. Honestly, I find that hard to believe, but have no proof to the contrary. At 12:30, I could not resist. I called her and she answered. I could hear music in the background. She said that they were getting ready to leave, but the bartender offered to buy them dessert, "death by chocolate", so she was going to share that, then leave. She said she'd be home shortly. 1am rolled around and she called me from the bathroom. Said they were dancing and finishing up another drink and would be leaving soon. I was pissed, but stayed calm, if not a little cold.

I've been thinking lately, and especially through the night last night, that I needed to chill out and allow her more freedom. We are both stubborn people and it just seems that I cannot win these arguments with her. I can't convince her that she should come home when she says she will, or that she sends the wrong message to other guys (like bartenders or other patrons). These fights are very frustrating and not worth ruining a weekend over. She has proven that she will not back down and until last night, I have shown the same trait.

When she walked in at almost 2am last night I was calm. Normally I would have worked myself up into a rage. I think I just gave up. As expected she was drunk as was I. I know she walked in the door prepared for a battle, just like very other night. Instead I was silent. I didn't yell and scream or ask her why she was so late. Instead we lay in bed. As I often do before we have sex, I moved down and rubbed and kissed her ass. She loves that (as do I) and I know she was not expecting that kind of treatment tonight. While I was down rubbing she talked about her night. In the past she has never discussed her nights out. I always quiz her, usually in a rage, and she just says we did nothing but hang out and talk about work. Last night was different. She told me that they danced and that someone at the bar was buying shots, and that some guy talked to them about going to another bar, and all kinds of other details. Several things she told me would normally have pissed me off, but not last night. In a way I felt defeated, like she just won our longstanding tests of wills. It was a mixed feeling. I reached down and rubbed her feet, telling her that I was sure they would be sore from all the dancing she did. It just seemed like the right thing to do. She was appreciative. I was enjoying this new, maybe temporary, role. After about 30 minutes, we went to sleep. We didn't have sex even though I was extremely aroused.

Now just a brief background. For awhile, off and on, I have been intrigued by female led relationships. I have never pursued it, as I am to stubborn, independent, and used to getting my way. It's one of those things that sounds good, but just never seemed realistic or possible for me. Last night I got to thinking that if I backed down and gave up on this ongoing battle that has been raging for over a year, maybe that would be a start in leading us down the path. It was not a plan I concocted, and I'm not sure if it is what I really wanted or not, but last night it felt like the right thing to do. Today, it still does.

She woke this morning in a good mood. She was almost smug, but happy with me. I got the sense that she knew something major happened last night. She won a major battle and I think she knows it. And more importantly, enjoyed the feeling. Today was a far cry from our normal day after "girl’s night". We had sex in the morning and had a great day today. I am intrigued by the possible shift that happened last night and am curious as to your thoughts. I am not sure how to, or if I even should, proceed. I am a bit confused and appreciate any guidance.

Unsigned

Ken responds…

I love your letter because it calls out one of the great unsung benefits of Around Her Finger marriages. Once you submit to your wife, once you acknowledge that she is in control and that your first responsibilities are to obey and serve her, you will achieve both a peace of mind and a “peace of relationship” that is worth many times more than simply getting your way on miniscule points.

My only advice is that you need to share this awareness with her, do not accept an unspoken arrangement. Either write her a personal note or have a copy of the Around Her Finger confessional CD available the next time she comes home from one of her nights out with the girls. Let her know that her new freedom is permanent and that she will not be the only one benefiting from a female led household.

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Dear Around Her Finger,

I am single and looking for a dominant woman to share my life with!

What do dominant women look for in a guy? How do I attract a dominant woman into my life? I think being honest and open to a woman about my desires will only profit me. I agree with pretty much everything you say on your site!

I look forward to hearing from you.

Yours Sincerely.

Stephen

Ken responds…

I don’t know that I have much expertise on what the best approach is to finding a dominant woman. Our site is more focused on nurturing the dominant role in women with whom submissive men already have a vanilla relationship.

There are websites that help match submissive men with dominant women, but I would suggest you date women with an eye towards compatibility independent of your submissive nature. Once you feel close to someone, then it would be appropriate to open up about this side of your personality. Her attitude towards your openness and honesty will be a good indication of your long-term viability as a couple.

Emily and I have discussed this, and we both agree with the above response. However, we are open to other opinions on this topic. If someone would like to write us with different suggestions, we would be happy to pass them along.

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Dear Ken,

I have been openly submissive to my wife for eighteen months, and it is all thanks to your website and your confessional CD. My wife and I are both huge fans of your site. In fact, she just bought your book to give to her little sister that got married in October. Stay tuned on how that plays out!

I am writing because I have a problem and a solution, but I’m not sure the solution is appropriate. I have been very busy at work, and I just have not had the time to be as good with the housecleaning as my wife would like. I am doing all I can, but I just can’t keep up. I make a very good living, and I can afford to hire a maid, but is this ok? Is it ok to have a woman in my home doing the work that I, as a submissive husband, should be doing?

Your opinion would be greatly respected by both of us.

Jeff in Arizona

Ken responds…

It would be better if you can continue to do the work, but as you say, it may not be practical. I wonder if maybe it would not be better to get someone to help with the outside yard work? Would this free up time for you to dedicate to the inside housework? I say this because I like the idea of you doing what was once regarded by society as the “wife’s work” because it reinforces your new roles. If you do hire help, you should continue to do some chores that are at least symbolically significant. For example, you can do your wife’s laundry even if your hired help is doing everything else.

As to whether is it ok that the help be a woman, I am indifferent on this. Of course it would be better if all the domestic work in your home was done by men, but even if you could find a man that does this work, would your wife feel comfortable in having him around when you were not home? Also, to avoid situations where men are served by women is virtually impossible. Can you not eat out at restaurants where you are waited on by a woman? This would start to seem silly. What you can do is to be absolutely certain that you treat the women with whom you come in contact with the respect and reverence that they deserve. This is really the more important imperative.