January 2007

Letters from Women

Dear Emily,

I guess I don’t understand why so many men have to agonize over their decision to share your site with their wives. I’m young (23), so maybe it’s a generational thing, but I can’t imagine any woman not loving this. In fact, the group of women that I hang out with are all determined that we will be in control in our relationships. I think the ideal of equality that women talked about in the sixties and seventies ridiculous. Women’s sexuality is biologically designed to give them the upper hand in the relationship. Men’s sexuality is biologically designed to make them dependent on women. Why should women settle for equality? Why should they settle for anything less than being totally in control?

I am still single and dating, but I waste very little time with men that don’t understand that I am going to be in charge in the relationship. It probably comes as no surprise to you, but even the most macho of men become like putty in my hands when I bring up this topic with them. I withhold sex on my first few dates with men not because of any old fashioned values, but rather because I know that done right this makes them more affectionate and more attracted to me. The first few times that we are intimate, I will have them [practice oral sex on me], but I will do nothing to return the favor. They resist until I tell them why I am doing this. I tell them I am doing it because I like to be in control and that this helps me “wrap them around my finger”. Once they understand this, they love it. I absolutely always point them to your website so that they will understand what I want and expect in a relationship.

I don’t know if I am typical of the new generation of women or not, but I am sure that there are more women like me now than there ever were. Please tell all the men that read your site to quit worrying about what their girlfriends and wives will think and just tell them what they want. Their wives probably already know it anyway.

Kate in Illinois

Emily responds…

Your letter is certainly not lacking in attitude. Bravo to the women of the younger generation that feel comfortable with their authority over the men in their lives. Many women, however, grew up in a more traditional world than you did, and they do need a gentler nudging into a female-led relationship that you might suppose.

Maybe more importantly, I think you raise an interesting point for discussion when you mention that younger women are more naturally embracing their dominant side and younger men are eager to accept it. Like you, I wonder just how pervasive your attitude is amongst women of your generation. You seem not only aware of what you want, but you seem gifted in your understanding of how your sexuality can be used to manipulate his submissive nature. While there is likely a growing openness to the attitude that you and your circle of friends embrace, I doubt that it is as well defined and as well understood amongst twenty-something women in general.

I would also suggest that as you move from your early twenties and closer to my -- still undisclosed -- age, that you will come to develop a very healthy respect for men that will compliment your dominant attitude very nicely. Well I agree that women should be the alpha-spouse in any relationship, I also value the man in my life tremendously and respect him as a person immeasurably. This is true even while I accept and demand his service and obedience to my authority. It is the perfect mix of mutual respect and loving female authority that makes our relationship so special to both of us.

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Dear Emily,

I am a forty-two year old, single woman. I have struggled with a weight problem my entire life, and I suppose this is at the heart of why I remain single. I feel like I am an attractive woman, but definitely heavier than I would like to be. I am writing because a friend of mine suggested your site to me as something in which I might be interested.

She suggested that many submissive men are attracted to larger women. She said that if I would be open to a female-led lifestyle, that maybe I could explore some of the online dating services to find a good match. I realize that this suggestion sounds like it could have offended me, but she is a good friend, and I really believe she only wants me to be happy. Also, she has confided in me that her own marriage is female-led, so she obviously is a fan of the idea in general.

She suggested I read through your site and make up my own mind. In looking at the material, I have to say that I am very impressed and definitely interested. I feel like this would be a wonderful way to express my sexuality, and that I could be very happy with a submissive man. However, I wonder what you think about my friend’s idea that many submissive men are interested in bigger women?

First, I don’t even know if this stereotype is true. Secondly, I don’t know that using this to my advantage would even be the right thing to do.

Unsigned in Seattle

Emily responds…

As to whether submissive men are more likely to be attracted to larger women, I have no way to know, but I suspect that this is not the case. However, since a primary point of attraction for submissive men is an outwardly dominant personality, I do believe that they are more likely to overlook body shape and physical attributes than their non-submissive peers. Perhaps this is the source of your friend’s thinking on the topic.

The real issue here is whether or not loving female authority appeals to you. If it does, then by all means pursue a relationship where this dynamic is in place. Typically, I recommend that people seeking an alpha-female relationship pursue partners on the basis of vanilla interests, and only after the relationship is established, introduce the concept to their partner. However, if you feel that vanilla relationships have eluded you due to your size or self-esteem issues stemming from your size, then by all means, explore the dating sites that are dedicated to matching submissive men with dominant women. While I have no first-hand experience with them, I am sure that they exist in abundance and have led to many successful relationships.

Letters from Men

Dear Ken,

For years I have had this nagging awareness that I have a problem with an addiction to femdom pornography and professional domination the way that some people have an addiction to drugs or alcohol.

I have been interested in this topic for as long as I can remember, and the problem has been evolving for about the last fifteen years. I say fifteen years because it was probably fifteen years ago that I first went to a professional dominatrix. At the time, I think I spent $250 for a one hour “session”. Since then, I have probably spent no less than $70,000 (I am not exaggerating) on professional dominants and femdom websites. Furthermore, this “habit” cost me my first marriage. You have to be pretty rich and pretty smart to hide the kind of money that I was spending from your wife, and I can tell you that I was neither of these. She found out about my habit and needless to say was not all too happy. The divorce cost me tens of thousands of dollars over what I have already mentioned and also led to shame and humiliation from a great many of my friends and associates as they learned from her what was behind the break-up.

You would think that all of this would have been enough to break me of my addiction, but like most addicts, it was only a step on the way down. I moved to another city to more or less escape the current mess of which I had made of my life. I took a job making less than half what I had been making, and funneled nearly all my spare cash into one particular professional dominatrix who was more than happy to take it. I knew that none of this made sense, but I just could not stop myself.

I found your site about this time last year. I immediately made a decision that I would break the cycle that was destroying me. I realized that what I really wanted was a real relationship that allowed me an outlet for my undeniable desire to submit to a woman. I started by going cold turkey on professional dominants and pornography. I also made an outright confession to the woman that I was dating by giving her your confessional CD and a copy of your book. To my great delight, she embraced the idea. She was in fact very enthusiastic about the whole thing.

I have since been able to open up to her like I have never been able to open up to anyone in my life. I actually told her all about my past, just as I am telling you now. Actually, with her I went into details which I don’t think are appropriate for this site, so she knows even more than you do. What makes her so wonderful is that she understands my past, understands my submission, and loves me for who I am. The vanilla part of our relationship is still the most significant part, but the loving female authority component has absolutely rescued me. I don’t even think about seeking out other outlets to try and quench the real hunger that my submissive nature has given me my entire life. For the first time I am truly satisfied and feel like I have found something that will work for me long term.

I know my case is probably extreme, so if you feel that it might be a little over the top for women being newly introduced to these concepts, then I completely understand your not publishing my letter. I just thought you should know the sort of real impact you have had on my life.

Unsigned

Ken responds…

We are publishing your letter for a couple of reasons. One, your story of being lost in what you refer to as your addiction and finding peace only when you were able to link your submission to genuine, loving female authority is a lesson for many of our male visitors. Secondly, your story illustrates to the female visitors to this site just how deep and intense the submissive nature can be in men. While many do a better job of controlling their impulses to indulge their fantasies than you did, I suspect that many of our submissive male readers are not at all surprised at how easily you were seduced by your desires.

Emily also responds…

Please take note of the fact that your recovery remains short-lived. Embrace the relationship in which you now find yourself and do everything you can to keep your partner happy, but do not use your relationship as a crutch. In other words, you need to be independently strong and able to resist falling into your old habits even if your new relationship -- for any reason -- does not last. Please consider professional counseling to assist you to that end.

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Dear Mrs. and Mr. Addison,

About four years ago, after a major argument with my wife, I realized that changes had to be made because I valued my relationship with my wife more than anything. After reflecting, I realized that many of our problems were because of 'control' issues. At the same time, I realized that we agreed on things 95% of the time. The other 5% was causing the problems, but I also realized that she was probably correct on many of these other issues while I was correct on some. Thus, my logic was that if I accepted her decisions as final, I would really be only giving in 2-3% of the time. So I decided that this was the thing to do, and I told her that from then on I would do as she said. I call this my capitulation.

I truly have tried to change and to follow her guidance in all issues. She recognizes that I have changed and says that she would not now accept me going back to the way I used to be. She admits that she was skeptical at first, but admires my perseverance. However, whenever I bring up the subject of her being "head of the house", she always blows it off or if she acknowledges it, it is only in a cursory manner..."yeah, yeah, let's change the subject now" type of thing.

What would mean a lot to me, especially after years of trying to change, would be for her to bring it up on her own, formally acknowledge my efforts, advising that she not only knows she is head of our family but also 'feels' it as well, that that is the way it is going to always be from now on and that she expects my continued obedience. Somehow, I guess I have a need for her authority to be formalized and recognized by her, without me prodding her to do so.

About six months ago, I showed her your site. After she read it, she came back to our room and gave me a kiss. Later, when we had retired to bed, she asked if that is what I really wanted. I told her yes, but she didn't respond; she just dropped the subject.

I have told her that I have reached the point where I feel that a matriarchal marriage just 'feels right', that women are more nurturing and that I am very comfortable with her being in charge of our family. She knows she is in charge, I can tell that from the way she acts. She even gives me a stern look if I forget and walk in front of her in a restaurant, etc.

But for some reason, she is hesitant to discuss it or 'formalize' it, and that is what I lack. At the same time, I don't want to push her to say something she doesn't feel or is uncomfortable with, just to [placate] me. I want it to come from her. Any thoughts?

Best regards,

Unsigned

Ken responds…

Loving female authority is truly the elephant in your living room. It is sitting there whether or not your wife wants to acknowledge it.

She is ignoring the topic simply because she is uncomfortable with it. That said, sometimes people need to get past their discomfort and talk about difficult topics. I suggest you tell her that there is something you really want to discuss with her. Have her agree to set aside some time so that you will know she cannot use another commitment as an excuse to break off the conversation. If you drink, it might not be a bad idea to have the conversation over a couple glasses of wine.

Think about structuring the conversation to accommodate her lack of comfort. Open by telling her that you know that this is a difficult topic, and you do not expect her to be able to open up completely about how she feels about the subject. You, however, need to have a practiced and articulate expression of your own feelings. Say everything you want to say in a consciously non-threatening way. Our site is full of tips to help you do this. Next, rather than waiting for a long, heartfelt reply from her, you should prepare follow up questions that she can answer very quickly without her having to open up right on the spot. For example, ask her if she appreciates the way that you are more accommodating to her requests. Ask if she would like you to add even more chores and tasks to make her life more comfortable. Tell her you would like to buy a massage table for her and ask if she would be up to letting you give her more massages. All of these questions have simple yes or no answers.

Then, tell her you know how subjects like orgasm management and ‘formalizing the relationship dynamic’ seem weird, but nonetheless, they are important to you. Ask her if, in her own time, she will consider trying them with you. For orgasm management, you can offer her a little two sided paperweight to keep next to the bed which, depending on which side is turned up or down, dictates that you will or will not be allowed to orgasm that night. This way she does not even have to verbally communicate it to you. You can also use the little “magic thong” trick that we mentioned in the last post to this update, but the paperweight works just as well and probably costs less.

Getting comfortable with a wife led relationship and getting comfortable in talking about it are two different things. You need to be understanding of this fact, but she also needs to realize its importance to you.

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Dear Ken,

I find that nothing is more gratifying than the very intense sense of submission that follows intimate contact with my wife where she actively witholds my orgasm. However, she gives me orgasms as a sort of reward for good behavior. This ends up creating a self-defeating cycle where she witholds my orgasm, I behave like the adoring and obedient husband that she wants, and I am rewarded wtih an orgasm as a result of my behavior.

Is this a common problem? It seems like it would be. Do you have any suggestions.

Unsigned

Ken responds...

While Emily and I do not like to discuss our personal experiences online (instead relying on our general opinions born of experience and reinforced by the anecdotes of others), I will share with you that I went through the same issue. It is sort of like staring at a piece of chocolate cake. You depserately want to eat it, but afterwards, you feel a bloated sense of discontent. Your physical needs have been satisfied, but it did nothing for the more gratifying sense of self-discipline that would have come with walking away. In your case, however, your physical needs are a constant, but you wish that your wife would provide the discipline. A sense of her exerting authority via her sexuality is far more rewarding than any physical experience. In a relationship based on loving female authority, this represents an affectionate token of her love for you that is real and genuinely powerful.

I got past this problem by discussing it with Emily. We now have a much more enlightened approach to orgasm management that is satisfying for both of us. She understands that at the same time that I want the orgasm, there is a very real part of me that does not want it. We are considering publishing a very detailed essay on our approach, but for now just know that it is not just a simple system of manipulation and reward as your wife seems to be pursuing.

If you have read our book(s), look to the coin toss game and the philosophy behind it as an idea for a new direction. The key to this game is that whether or not you have an orgasm should be out of your control. Look to her instincts, impulses and good judgement as to what is best for you.

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Dear Ken,

Just got my “magic thong” this week and gave it to my wife. What an icebreaker! She laughed, but she also listened. We talked like never before.

Please pass my thanks along to whoever it was that wrote you suggesting the idea.

Have a great ’07,

Paul in New Jersey