January 2007

Letters from Women

Dear Emily,

I guess I don’t understand why so many men have to agonize over their decision to share your site with their wives. I’m young (23), so maybe it’s a generational thing, but I can’t imagine any woman not loving this. In fact, the group of women that I hang out with are all determined that we will be in control in our relationships. I think the ideal of equality that women talked about in the sixties and seventies ridiculous. Women’s sexuality is biologically designed to give them the upper hand in the relationship. Men’s sexuality is biologically designed to make them dependent on women. Why should women settle for equality? Why should they settle for anything less than being totally in control?

I am still single and dating, but I waste very little time with men that don’t understand that I am going to be in charge in the relationship. It probably comes as no surprise to you, but even the most macho of men become like putty in my hands when I bring up this topic with them. I withhold sex on my first few dates with men not because of any old fashioned values, but rather because I know that done right this makes them more affectionate and more attracted to me. The first few times that we are intimate, I will have them [practice oral sex on me], but I will do nothing to return the favor. They resist until I tell them why I am doing this. I tell them I am doing it because I like to be in control and that this helps me “wrap them around my finger”. Once they understand this, they love it. I absolutely always point them to your website so that they will understand what I want and expect in a relationship.

I don’t know if I am typical of the new generation of women or not, but I am sure that there are more women like me now than there ever were. Please tell all the men that read your site to quit worrying about what their girlfriends and wives will think and just tell them what they want. Their wives probably already know it anyway.

Kate in Illinois

Emily responds…

Your letter is certainly not lacking in attitude. Bravo to the women of the younger generation that feel comfortable with their authority over the men in their lives. Many women, however, grew up in a more traditional world than you did, and they do need a gentler nudging into a female-led relationship that you might suppose.

Maybe more importantly, I think you raise an interesting point for discussion when you mention that younger women are more naturally embracing their dominant side and younger men are eager to accept it. Like you, I wonder just how pervasive your attitude is amongst women of your generation. You seem not only aware of what you want, but you seem gifted in your understanding of how your sexuality can be used to manipulate his submissive nature. While there is likely a growing openness to the attitude that you and your circle of friends embrace, I doubt that it is as well defined and as well understood amongst twenty-something women in general.

I would also suggest that as you move from your early twenties and closer to my -- still undisclosed -- age, that you will come to develop a very healthy respect for men that will compliment your dominant attitude very nicely. Well I agree that women should be the alpha-spouse in any relationship, I also value the man in my life tremendously and respect him as a person immeasurably. This is true even while I accept and demand his service and obedience to my authority. It is the perfect mix of mutual respect and loving female authority that makes our relationship so special to both of us.

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Dear Emily,

I am a forty-two year old, single woman. I have struggled with a weight problem my entire life, and I suppose this is at the heart of why I remain single. I feel like I am an attractive woman, but definitely heavier than I would like to be. I am writing because a friend of mine suggested your site to me as something in which I might be interested.

She suggested that many submissive men are attracted to larger women. She said that if I would be open to a female-led lifestyle, that maybe I could explore some of the online dating services to find a good match. I realize that this suggestion sounds like it could have offended me, but she is a good friend, and I really believe she only wants me to be happy. Also, she has confided in me that her own marriage is female-led, so she obviously is a fan of the idea in general.

She suggested I read through your site and make up my own mind. In looking at the material, I have to say that I am very impressed and definitely interested. I feel like this would be a wonderful way to express my sexuality, and that I could be very happy with a submissive man. However, I wonder what you think about my friend’s idea that many submissive men are interested in bigger women?

First, I don’t even know if this stereotype is true. Secondly, I don’t know that using this to my advantage would even be the right thing to do.

Unsigned in Seattle

Emily responds…

As to whether submissive men are more likely to be attracted to larger women, I have no way to know, but I suspect that this is not the case. However, since a primary point of attraction for submissive men is an outwardly dominant personality, I do believe that they are more likely to overlook body shape and physical attributes than their non-submissive peers. Perhaps this is the source of your friend’s thinking on the topic.

The real issue here is whether or not loving female authority appeals to you. If it does, then by all means pursue a relationship where this dynamic is in place. Typically, I recommend that people seeking an alpha-female relationship pursue partners on the basis of vanilla interests, and only after the relationship is established, introduce the concept to their partner. However, if you feel that vanilla relationships have eluded you due to your size or self-esteem issues stemming from your size, then by all means, explore the dating sites that are dedicated to matching submissive men with dominant women. While I have no first-hand experience with them, I am sure that they exist in abundance and have led to many successful relationships.

Letters from Men

Dear Ken,

For years I have had this nagging awareness that I have a problem with an addiction to femdom pornography and professional domination the way that some people have an addiction to drugs or alcohol.

I have been interested in this topic for as long as I can remember, and the problem has been evolving for about the last fifteen years. I say fifteen years because it was probably fifteen years ago that I first went to a professional dominatrix. At the time, I think I spent $250 for a one hour “session”. Since then, I have probably spent no less than $70,000 (I am not exaggerating) on professional dominants and femdom websites. Furthermore, this “habit” cost me my first marriage. You have to be pretty rich and pretty smart to hide the kind of money that I was spending from your wife, and I can tell you that I was neither of these. She found out about my habit and needless to say was not all too happy. The divorce cost me tens of thousands of dollars over what I have already mentioned and also led to shame and humiliation from a great many of my friends and associates as they learned from her what was behind the break-up.

You would think that all of this would have been enough to break me of my addiction, but like most addicts, it was only a step on the way down. I moved to another city to more or less escape the current mess of which I had made of my life. I took a job making less than half what I had been making, and funneled nearly all my spare cash into one particular professional dominatrix who was more than happy to take it. I knew that none of this made sense, but I just could not stop myself.

I found your site about this time last year. I immediately made a decision that I would break the cycle that was destroying me. I realized that what I really wanted was a real relationship that allowed me an outlet for my undeniable desire to submit to a woman. I started by going cold turkey on professional dominants and pornography. I also made an outright confession to the woman that I was dating by giving her your confessional CD and a copy of your book. To my great delight, she embraced the idea. She was in fact very enthusiastic about the whole thing.

I have since been able to open up to her like I have never been able to open up to anyone in my life. I actually told her all about my past, just as I am telling you now. Actually, with her I went into details which I don’t think are appropriate for this site, so she knows even more than you do. What makes her so wonderful is that she understands my past, understands my submission, and loves me for who I am. The vanilla part of our relationship is still the most significant part, but the loving female authority component has absolutely rescued me. I don’t even think about seeking out other outlets to try and quench the real hunger that my submissive nature has given me my entire life. For the first time I am truly satisfied and feel like I have found something that will work for me long term.

I know my case is probably extreme, so if you feel that it might be a little over the top for women being newly introduced to these concepts, then I completely understand your not publishing my letter. I just thought you should know the sort of real impact you have had on my life.

Unsigned

Ken responds…

We are publishing your letter for a couple of reasons. One, your story of being lost in what you refer to as your addiction and finding peace only when you were able to link your submission to genuine, loving female authority is a lesson for many of our male visitors. Secondly, your story illustrates to the female visitors to this site just how deep and intense the submissive nature can be in men. While many do a better job of controlling their impulses to indulge their fantasies than you did, I suspect that many of our submissive male readers are not at all surprised at how easily you were seduced by your desires.

Emily also responds…

Please take note of the fact that your recovery remains short-lived. Embrace the relationship in which you now find yourself and do everything you can to keep your partner happy, but do not use your relationship as a crutch. In other words, you need to be independently strong and able to resist falling into your old habits even if your new relationship -- for any reason -- does not last. Please consider professional counseling to assist you to that end.

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Dear Mrs. and Mr. Addison,

About four years ago, after a major argument with my wife, I realized that changes had to be made because I valued my relationship with my wife more than anything. After reflecting, I realized that many of our problems were because of 'control' issues. At the same time, I realized that we agreed on things 95% of the time. The other 5% was causing the problems, but I also realized that she was probably correct on many of these other issues while I was correct on some. Thus, my logic was that if I accepted her decisions as final, I would really be only giving in 2-3% of the time. So I decided that this was the thing to do, and I told her that from then on I would do as she said. I call this my capitulation.

I truly have tried to change and to follow her guidance in all issues. She recognizes that I have changed and says that she would not now accept me going back to the way I used to be. She admits that she was skeptical at first, but admires my perseverance. However, whenever I bring up the subject of her being "head of the house", she always blows it off or if she acknowledges it, it is only in a cursory manner..."yeah, yeah, let's change the subject now" type of thing.

What would mean a lot to me, especially after years of trying to change, would be for her to bring it up on her own, formally acknowledge my efforts, advising that she not only knows she is head of our family but also 'feels' it as well, that that is the way it is going to always be from now on and that she expects my continued obedience. Somehow, I guess I have a need for her authority to be formalized and recognized by her, without me prodding her to do so.

About six months ago, I showed her your site. After she read it, she came back to our room and gave me a kiss. Later, when we had retired to bed, she asked if that is what I really wanted. I told her yes, but she didn't respond; she just dropped the subject.

I have told her that I have reached the point where I feel that a matriarchal marriage just 'feels right', that women are more nurturing and that I am very comfortable with her being in charge of our family. She knows she is in charge, I can tell that from the way she acts. She even gives me a stern look if I forget and walk in front of her in a restaurant, etc.

But for some reason, she is hesitant to discuss it or 'formalize' it, and that is what I lack. At the same time, I don't want to push her to say something she doesn't feel or is uncomfortable with, just to [placate] me. I want it to come from her. Any thoughts?

Best regards,

Unsigned

Ken responds…

Loving female authority is truly the elephant in your living room. It is sitting there whether or not your wife wants to acknowledge it.

She is ignoring the topic simply because she is uncomfortable with it. That said, sometimes people need to get past their discomfort and talk about difficult topics. I suggest you tell her that there is something you really want to discuss with her. Have her agree to set aside some time so that you will know she cannot use another commitment as an excuse to break off the conversation. If you drink, it might not be a bad idea to have the conversation over a couple glasses of wine.

Think about structuring the conversation to accommodate her lack of comfort. Open by telling her that you know that this is a difficult topic, and you do not expect her to be able to open up completely about how she feels about the subject. You, however, need to have a practiced and articulate expression of your own feelings. Say everything you want to say in a consciously non-threatening way. Our site is full of tips to help you do this. Next, rather than waiting for a long, heartfelt reply from her, you should prepare follow up questions that she can answer very quickly without her having to open up right on the spot. For example, ask her if she appreciates the way that you are more accommodating to her requests. Ask if she would like you to add even more chores and tasks to make her life more comfortable. Tell her you would like to buy a massage table for her and ask if she would be up to letting you give her more massages. All of these questions have simple yes or no answers.

Then, tell her you know how subjects like orgasm management and ‘formalizing the relationship dynamic’ seem weird, but nonetheless, they are important to you. Ask her if, in her own time, she will consider trying them with you. For orgasm management, you can offer her a little two sided paperweight to keep next to the bed which, depending on which side is turned up or down, dictates that you will or will not be allowed to orgasm that night. This way she does not even have to verbally communicate it to you. You can also use the little “magic thong” trick that we mentioned in the last post to this update, but the paperweight works just as well and probably costs less.

Getting comfortable with a wife led relationship and getting comfortable in talking about it are two different things. You need to be understanding of this fact, but she also needs to realize its importance to you.

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Dear Ken,

I find that nothing is more gratifying than the very intense sense of submission that follows intimate contact with my wife where she actively witholds my orgasm. However, she gives me orgasms as a sort of reward for good behavior. This ends up creating a self-defeating cycle where she witholds my orgasm, I behave like the adoring and obedient husband that she wants, and I am rewarded wtih an orgasm as a result of my behavior.

Is this a common problem? It seems like it would be. Do you have any suggestions.

Unsigned

Ken responds...

While Emily and I do not like to discuss our personal experiences online (instead relying on our general opinions born of experience and reinforced by the anecdotes of others), I will share with you that I went through the same issue. It is sort of like staring at a piece of chocolate cake. You depserately want to eat it, but afterwards, you feel a bloated sense of discontent. Your physical needs have been satisfied, but it did nothing for the more gratifying sense of self-discipline that would have come with walking away. In your case, however, your physical needs are a constant, but you wish that your wife would provide the discipline. A sense of her exerting authority via her sexuality is far more rewarding than any physical experience. In a relationship based on loving female authority, this represents an affectionate token of her love for you that is real and genuinely powerful.

I got past this problem by discussing it with Emily. We now have a much more enlightened approach to orgasm management that is satisfying for both of us. She understands that at the same time that I want the orgasm, there is a very real part of me that does not want it. We are considering publishing a very detailed essay on our approach, but for now just know that it is not just a simple system of manipulation and reward as your wife seems to be pursuing.

If you have read our book(s), look to the coin toss game and the philosophy behind it as an idea for a new direction. The key to this game is that whether or not you have an orgasm should be out of your control. Look to her instincts, impulses and good judgement as to what is best for you.

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Dear Ken,

Just got my “magic thong” this week and gave it to my wife. What an icebreaker! She laughed, but she also listened. We talked like never before.

Please pass my thanks along to whoever it was that wrote you suggesting the idea.

Have a great ’07,

Paul in New Jersey

The Gift of Self Sacrifice

We are always looking for clever, non-threatening ways for aspiring submissive husbands to introduce the idea of a female-led relationship to their wife or girlfriend. Here is a clever suggestion sent in by a reader. We have taken the liberty of helping to make it a little easier by setting up the product on cafepress.com (the same site that hosts our AHF Boutique). Silly as it seems, the reader calls it the "Magic Thong" approach to orgasm management.

Go to this link (Magic Thong) and purchase your wife or girlfriend the pair of panties with the subtle orgasm management message printed on them. Then give them the gift with the following letter neatly printed out. (Note, we have also created a card on cafepress.com with the message pre-printed. This will make it seem even less like you had a personal hand in creating the gift. The card can be purchased here. You have to purchase a minimum of eight cards on the cafepress site, so really, we recommend you just type it out yourself.)

***

The Gift of Self-Sacrifice:

Because we both know that I can sometimes be a bit selfish, I wanted to give you this special present which is definately all about you. Surprise me by slipping into them one night. When I see that you are wearing them, I promise to give you a night of passion that leaves you completely satisfied. Moreso, I will prove my selflessness by promising not to end up with any satisfaction, so to speak, myself.

Sound a little crazy? Maybe it is, but it sounds fun too.

xoxoxo,

***

After you give her the panties, I think it is very likely that eventually she will take you up on your offer. Just make sure you deliver as promised. Also, although you will find that you her active management of your orgasms will greatly intensify your submissive feelings, you need to go absolutely overboard so that she understands the impact that intimate contact without climax has on you. Leave no doubts in her mind that managing your orgasms leads to very desirable behaviors on your part. Building this link in her mind is an important first step in showing what is in it for her.

December 2006

Letters from Women

Dear Emily,

I was very excited to have discovered your site, and more importantly, to discover that there is a community of women that have embraced the idea that the wife is often, if not always, best suited to the role of head of household. I would like to share the story of how loving female authority (even though we did not call it that at the time) became the norm in our marriage, and how it has changed since discovering your website.

My husband and I met in our early twenties. We were both very educated and ambitious people. Our careers and our relationship competed for attention, but after several years of dating, we struck a good balance of what worked for us, and we became married. My husband’s career was actually the one that began to skyrocket, but as he became more and more successful, I noticed that he was becoming more and more attentive to me in the time that we spent together. It was clear that he was taking great pains to figure out what pleased me, and even greater pleasure in doing these things for me. He was rubbing my feet every night, offering me massages, and despite his long hours at work, doing much if not most of the housework.

While you would think that all of this would have been any woman’s dream, I was actually struggling with our relationship at this time. In fact, I think my husband’s behavior might have initially been a way to overcompensate for the fact that I was quite jealous of his success at work, and my competitive and naturally dominant nature was not comfortable with his greater degree of success. So while he was overcompensating by being particularly attentive, I was overcompensating by being particularly demanding and often critical. However, I noticed that the more demanding that I would become, the more he seemed to embrace my authority. I stopped asking him to do things and instead told him to do things. If he did not rub my feet long enough, I would tell him to get back down and finish. I started practicing orgasm [management] even before I had heard what the term meant. Very often, I would have him go down on me and then just roll over and go to bed when I had reached my climax.

All of this was happening in the absence of any real communication between us, and honestly, I do not know that this type of relationship would be sustainable in the absence of communication. So one evening, we finally had a real heart to heart about every aspect of our relationship. I conceded that I was very envious of his career success. He was now making tripled the money that I was making. We also discussed what I have just described in terms of how our behavior towards each other seemed to derive from my envy and his awareness of my envy, as if he felt guilty for being successful. But despite the fact that my becoming more dominant and him becoming more submissive was grounded in envy and miscommunication, it also turned out that we both liked it.

I told him that I felt I was well suited to the dominant role and liked having a sense of control and authority. He told me that nothing would make him happier than continuing and even accelerating this dynamic, so long as it was accompanied by the open dialogue and genuine affection for each other that had characterized our the earlier days of our marriage. So, years before I had even heard of loving female authority, we started practicing it.

I told you early in my letter that my marriage has changed since discovering your site, and I now want to tell you what I meant by that. I had always struggled with the fact that I thought I was the only woman in the world that had cemented my authority over my husband in the way that I had. I thought that we must have been a very peculiar circumstance, and that this was our thing and our thing alone. The discovery that there are many marriages like this, and that there are even many more men that seek out marriages like this was like lifting a weight off of my shoulders. Suddenly nothing felt strange to me about my relationship any longer.

As a result, I have become liberated in my thinking. Inhibitions that I have had about pushing limits with my husband are now gone. By being exposed to this site and others like it, I now have a better sense of the psychology that underlies my husband’s submission, and I am open to allowing him to express his love for me with submission in ways that I might not have in the past. Also, I am not so casual about my approach to orgasm [management]. My husband and I have now spoken openly about the role that is plays in our relationship, and I am no longer practicing it by chance, but rather by design. All in all, your site has given him and me much to talk about, and I think we understand each other better as a result.

Please keep up the good work that you do in your letters updates. It seems that most sites have difficulty in maintaining the steady stream of content over a long period of time. You are one of the few that has done it consistently, and I applaud you for it.

Sincerely,

Kim in New York

Emily responds…

Your letter serves to reinforce my belief that loving female authority is a completely natural evolution in the way that men and women relate to each other. You did not need an instruction manual to make it work in your marriage, it happened as a result of your husband’s innate need to serve you, and your innate desire to lead him.

I hope you will keep in touch. I suspect that there are aspects to your relationship that would provide great direction to others that are not so far along in their journey as are you and your husband.

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Dear Emily,

My husband and I have had an Around Her Finger marriage for about two and a half years. As with others that have written to this site, we have had times when the dynamic has been more intense than others, but overall, it has had a wonderful impact on our marriage, and any time that it starts to ebb in intensity, I have always been able to bring it back through some of the basic techniques that you have recommended on your site.

I write you now because of something unsettling that I just discovered in my husband’s history folder on the computer. It seems that he has been spending some time on websites that, while related to loving female authority, seem to be something entirely different than what you talk about on here and what we live at home.

I have not even confronted him about it, because I am not sure that I should have been snooping on his computer and how he will react to that. Do you have any suggestions on how to handle this? I am including some of the web addresses so that you can get an idea of what I am discussing.

Unsigned

Emily responds…

First and most importantly, of course you are entitled to look at his history folder. He surrenders any pretense to privacy, beyond what you might decide to allow, when you formally accept your new roles in the relationship. This is to both of your benefit, as your husband needs you control and guidance.

I have taken the liberty of going to the websites you forwarded me (I was familiar with most of them). I have put together a discussion guide using some of my own content as well as some cutting and pasting from the websites. I suggest that you have your husband prepare you a nice meal, and that you have him open a bottle of wine for the two of you. After dinner, sit somewhere comfortable and have him strip and kneel in front of you. Then, pull out my discussion guide, and point by point… start taking him through the material.

This will serve several key objectives. First and foremost, it will make him aware that you know about his web surfing. Let him also know that you will continue to monitor his web habits, and that you have in fact installed software so that you can more closely control his surfing (which is readily available online). Also, you want to understand his interest in these other topics. You want to get him to talk about these topics and not let him simply shrug off the discussion with short answers that hide his real thinking. It is your right and your duty to understand his sexuality. Then, when you feel you better understand him; you can make some decisions about how to proceed.

You may want to indulge some of the activities and make it perfectly clear that some of the others will never happen. Or, you may want to threaten that some of them may happen whether you really intend to move forward with them or not. One of the activities on the sites you sent me is a particularly powerful tool for reinforcing male submission from just a fantasy perspective, and you can use just the threat of it without ever having to act on it.

I have sent you my home phone number if you want to discuss this in more detail.

Letters from Men

Dear Emily and Ken,

The wife and two girls from her work usually go out one Friday a month. They just go to a local tavern that has a decent happy hour and draws a nice crowd. These "girl's nights" almost always lead to a big fight between us. My wife is 29, very attractive (easily the most attractive of the three) and outgoing, and I have to admit I do not like the idea of her putting herself out there like that. Although she denies it, and gets pissed when I say it, she is very flirtatious (she calls it outgoing) and could easily give a guy the wrong idea. Most of our fights occur because she almost always comes home much later then she says she will and always drinks to much (in my opinion). I believe that once she gets out and starts drinking, she simply forgets about coming home at a decent time, and instead goes along with whatever her friends want to do, which is drink more, hang out, and dance while I sit at home and wait. I admit that jealousy is also a factor here.

Last night was this month’s girl’s night out, and once again it was supposed to be just a few drinks and home by midnight. Since they head out at 7pm, midnight seems like a reasonable time to come home. True to form, last night she wasn't home at midnight. I tried to stay calm, as I did not want to ruin the weekend with yet another fight on this same subject. I was playing some poker online, drinking beer, and watching the clock. I hesitated to call her because that really pisses her off. She says she is the only one whose husband calls to "check up" on them. Honestly, I find that hard to believe, but have no proof to the contrary. At 12:30, I could not resist. I called her and she answered. I could hear music in the background. She said that they were getting ready to leave, but the bartender offered to buy them dessert, "death by chocolate", so she was going to share that, then leave. She said she'd be home shortly. 1am rolled around and she called me from the bathroom. Said they were dancing and finishing up another drink and would be leaving soon. I was pissed, but stayed calm, if not a little cold.

I've been thinking lately, and especially through the night last night, that I needed to chill out and allow her more freedom. We are both stubborn people and it just seems that I cannot win these arguments with her. I can't convince her that she should come home when she says she will, or that she sends the wrong message to other guys (like bartenders or other patrons). These fights are very frustrating and not worth ruining a weekend over. She has proven that she will not back down and until last night, I have shown the same trait.

When she walked in at almost 2am last night I was calm. Normally I would have worked myself up into a rage. I think I just gave up. As expected she was drunk as was I. I know she walked in the door prepared for a battle, just like very other night. Instead I was silent. I didn't yell and scream or ask her why she was so late. Instead we lay in bed. As I often do before we have sex, I moved down and rubbed and kissed her ass. She loves that (as do I) and I know she was not expecting that kind of treatment tonight. While I was down rubbing she talked about her night. In the past she has never discussed her nights out. I always quiz her, usually in a rage, and she just says we did nothing but hang out and talk about work. Last night was different. She told me that they danced and that someone at the bar was buying shots, and that some guy talked to them about going to another bar, and all kinds of other details. Several things she told me would normally have pissed me off, but not last night. In a way I felt defeated, like she just won our longstanding tests of wills. It was a mixed feeling. I reached down and rubbed her feet, telling her that I was sure they would be sore from all the dancing she did. It just seemed like the right thing to do. She was appreciative. I was enjoying this new, maybe temporary, role. After about 30 minutes, we went to sleep. We didn't have sex even though I was extremely aroused.

Now just a brief background. For awhile, off and on, I have been intrigued by female led relationships. I have never pursued it, as I am to stubborn, independent, and used to getting my way. It's one of those things that sounds good, but just never seemed realistic or possible for me. Last night I got to thinking that if I backed down and gave up on this ongoing battle that has been raging for over a year, maybe that would be a start in leading us down the path. It was not a plan I concocted, and I'm not sure if it is what I really wanted or not, but last night it felt like the right thing to do. Today, it still does.

She woke this morning in a good mood. She was almost smug, but happy with me. I got the sense that she knew something major happened last night. She won a major battle and I think she knows it. And more importantly, enjoyed the feeling. Today was a far cry from our normal day after "girl’s night". We had sex in the morning and had a great day today. I am intrigued by the possible shift that happened last night and am curious as to your thoughts. I am not sure how to, or if I even should, proceed. I am a bit confused and appreciate any guidance.

Unsigned

Ken responds…

I love your letter because it calls out one of the great unsung benefits of Around Her Finger marriages. Once you submit to your wife, once you acknowledge that she is in control and that your first responsibilities are to obey and serve her, you will achieve both a peace of mind and a “peace of relationship” that is worth many times more than simply getting your way on miniscule points.

My only advice is that you need to share this awareness with her, do not accept an unspoken arrangement. Either write her a personal note or have a copy of the Around Her Finger confessional CD available the next time she comes home from one of her nights out with the girls. Let her know that her new freedom is permanent and that she will not be the only one benefiting from a female led household.

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Dear Around Her Finger,

I am single and looking for a dominant woman to share my life with!

What do dominant women look for in a guy? How do I attract a dominant woman into my life? I think being honest and open to a woman about my desires will only profit me. I agree with pretty much everything you say on your site!

I look forward to hearing from you.

Yours Sincerely.

Stephen

Ken responds…

I don’t know that I have much expertise on what the best approach is to finding a dominant woman. Our site is more focused on nurturing the dominant role in women with whom submissive men already have a vanilla relationship.

There are websites that help match submissive men with dominant women, but I would suggest you date women with an eye towards compatibility independent of your submissive nature. Once you feel close to someone, then it would be appropriate to open up about this side of your personality. Her attitude towards your openness and honesty will be a good indication of your long-term viability as a couple.

Emily and I have discussed this, and we both agree with the above response. However, we are open to other opinions on this topic. If someone would like to write us with different suggestions, we would be happy to pass them along.

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Dear Ken,

I have been openly submissive to my wife for eighteen months, and it is all thanks to your website and your confessional CD. My wife and I are both huge fans of your site. In fact, she just bought your book to give to her little sister that got married in October. Stay tuned on how that plays out!

I am writing because I have a problem and a solution, but I’m not sure the solution is appropriate. I have been very busy at work, and I just have not had the time to be as good with the housecleaning as my wife would like. I am doing all I can, but I just can’t keep up. I make a very good living, and I can afford to hire a maid, but is this ok? Is it ok to have a woman in my home doing the work that I, as a submissive husband, should be doing?

Your opinion would be greatly respected by both of us.

Jeff in Arizona

Ken responds…

It would be better if you can continue to do the work, but as you say, it may not be practical. I wonder if maybe it would not be better to get someone to help with the outside yard work? Would this free up time for you to dedicate to the inside housework? I say this because I like the idea of you doing what was once regarded by society as the “wife’s work” because it reinforces your new roles. If you do hire help, you should continue to do some chores that are at least symbolically significant. For example, you can do your wife’s laundry even if your hired help is doing everything else.

As to whether is it ok that the help be a woman, I am indifferent on this. Of course it would be better if all the domestic work in your home was done by men, but even if you could find a man that does this work, would your wife feel comfortable in having him around when you were not home? Also, to avoid situations where men are served by women is virtually impossible. Can you not eat out at restaurants where you are waited on by a woman? This would start to seem silly. What you can do is to be absolutely certain that you treat the women with whom you come in contact with the respect and reverence that they deserve. This is really the more important imperative.

November 2006

Letters from Women

Dear Emily,

I am one of those conservative wives that were knocked off of her feet by my husband’s recent revelation that he was submissive. I never had any idea that this sort of thing existed, and I will admit that it has taken some getting used to.

I knew that something was up before he ever opened up about what was really happening. He had gone through the whole mess about doing all of our laundry and cooking dinner. He said he just wanted to start contributing more around the house, but I knew that something else must be going on. At the same time he began stopping himself before he would have orgasms. He had always been one to spend a great deal of attention to my needs during sex (that is to say he always was generous with oral sex), but this new thing about stopping himself before finishing was just bizarre. The first time it happened, I thought I must have been mistaken. I figured he had an orgasm with an unusually small amount of semen, and I just didn’t notice it. The second time, however, I was sure that he did not finish, so I said something about it. He said that he didn’t feel like he deserved it because he had forgotten to make the bed. Honestly, I thought that was about the weirdest thing in the world, but I said nothing about it.

Then he went into a period where he scaled back on all of the things that he had been doing. Without any explanation, the laundry started piling up, he stopped cooking meals, and he became just a little less interested in sex. Being uncomfortable with the entire series of events in the first place, I didn’t say anything about it. When, over a month later, he left your book and a short note on his pillow when he left for work in the morning, I was completely taken back.

I would describe my journey into loving female authority in three stages: rejection, open-mindedness, and now, total convert. I initially thought the entire thing was weird, and just ignored it. I pretended as if he had never left the book on my pillow, and as far as he knew, I had never read his note or the book at all. It was only two full months later, and having spent time on your website, that I finally told my husband that we should talk about it. We had a very awkward conversation in which he ultimately told me that he loved me no matter if I ever wanted to explore this or not. I love him too, there is no denying it, so I told him that if it was important to him, I would try it.

We started with me giving him simple lists of tasks I wanted him to do. I then started having him give me foot massages every night. I have to admit, it was really working for me. I loved feeling like the center of attention. Then he would slip off the wagon a bit, and I wondered if it was really a fad. That’s when he came forward about how important it was that I controlled his orgasms. That very night while we were making love, I had him pull off of me before he had his orgasm. That’s when I learned first-hand how important this was to getting his attention focused on me. A man’s selfishness and self-centeredness is directly tied to whether or not he has climaxed. Also, it seems directly related to whether or not I stopped him from having it as an overt and conscious decision.

All of this again seems kind of weird now that I am typing out this letter. But as I said, I am definitely a total convert to your teachings. He is happier, I am happier, and we are definitely closer as a couple thanks to this new element in our marriage. I think that submission breaks down many of the defenses that a man puts up that keep him from opening up and sharing emotions with his wife. My husband is now much more willing to share very deep thoughts and feelings with me, and I could never give this up. Also, I am growing to feel accustomed to his obedience and to all the many things that he does for me. Perhaps this is selfishness of my own, but as it makes us both happy, I will allow myself this guilty pleasure.

Mary Beth

Emily responds…

Although you may have said it tongue in cheek, one should never feel guilty about allowing your submissive husband the very satisfying outlet of serving you. The more demanding that you are with your husband; the more he will adore you. In fact, try this experiment. Write down a list of five requests which you feel are progressively more outrageous than the last. Watch as your husband lights up with each successive request. He loves serving you because it is the consummate expression of his love for you. Allow him every chance to express himself, and enjoy every moment of it.

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Dear Emily,

Thank God for your site. I have met a wonderful school teacher on an interracial matchmaking site a year ago. I am a black female, he is Italian tall, beautiful thick curly hair and very masculine looking and acting.

Our first conversation was incredible. We wanted the same things in life, a good relationship, based on respect and monogamy, and children. During the course of the first conversation, he immediately asked how I felt about submissive men. No one knew, EVER that I had this very dominate side to my nature and I secretly fantasized about dominating my man. I had let the desire lay dormant because I thought if I ever asked a guy that he would think that I am accusing him of being weird. Our conversations after that first door-opener have been wonderful and liberating.

It has been a year now, and I have still not moved forward, mainly because I did not know how. Before this site, I too thought a dominant woman was like the dramatic images seen in movies and on T.V. You have stated it perfectly... I want to be a LOVING female authority figure for my man. I want it as much as he does.

I think I am going to learn a great deal here, and I want to finally move this relationship out of neutral and into drive.

Thank you,

Angel

Emily responds...

Best of luck to you, Angel. For a woman that is naturally dominant, I think you will find that the baby steps we offer on our site represent the beginning of a wonderful journey. I am sure that wherever you want to take this journey will be mutually beneficial for you and your new boyfriend.

I want to add that I find it interesting that your submissive boyfriend was seeking black women on an interracial dating site. At the risk of stereotyping, it seems to me that African American women appear more outwardly dominant than white women. I obviously have no statistical evidence to support this, but I know that I have had male letter writers suggest this in the past. I would be interested in your thoughts on this. Did your boyfriend have the same preconceived notions that I have, and did he seek out an interracial relationship on this basis?

-----

Dear Emily,

As I have for at least the past 3 months, I just walked away from my husband after he disobeyed me. I've been trying to practice loving female authority, but he doesn't respond to the loving part or the authority. Take the simplest thing, but one that always makes me angry. My husband and I do the dishes together, but he insists on putting them away wet. They're not damp; they're wet. I've asked him nicely to dry them. I've told him he's not doing anything I don't do, because I make sure mine are dry. I've yelled at him to dry them, and he makes excuses about why he can't or doesn't dry them. I've denied him orgasms, and he's promised to dry the dishes completely, only to break the promise every time. We have many other problems, and loving female authority just isn't working in general. Maybe if you can give me some suggestions on how to make him obey.

Finally, I don't know if this has anything to do with what's going on, but my husband always defied the women in his life. He never valued his mother's or grandmother's opinions, and they're the ones who raised him. In any case, I'd really appreciate any ideas. If something doesn't change, I'm filing for divorce. I'm completely tired of having to do everything if I want it done right, hearing his excuses, and arguing with him.

Thanks for your help.

Angie

Emily responds…

I have said many times that loving female authority is not the only component of a healthy and successful marriage; it is only one wonderful dynamic for contributing to an otherwise positive relationship. You need to assess whether or not the core elements of trust, love, friendship and respect were or are present in your marriage.

It sounds like you have been going through some difficult times, and difficult times are often better handled with help. I suggest you reach out to someone in your local community, maybe a member of the clergy or a marriage therapist that can help you determine what course of action will ultimately lead to the happiest outcome for everyone involved.

Letters from Men

Dear Emily and Ken,

Thanks for responding to my letter in your recent update.

You may recall that while my wife and I were both very interested in pursuing an Around Her Finger marriage, we had recently fallen off the wagon a bit. My wife agreed with your suggestions and things are back on track.....and we are both loving it.

Kind regards,

Tim

Ken responds…

Very glad to hear back from you. Sometimes we post advice on the web and never get any feedback as to how the situation played out. I am glad to hear that her recommitment to some of the core practices in LFA has worked out for both of you.

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Dear Emily and Ken,

I read a wife's post in the September entry of your letters update that said she no longer gives her husband oral sex. I didn't think I'd see a comment like this from someone who relates to the Around Her Finger philosophy, which is more benign than some of the more militant approaches to female leadership in the home that I have seen elsewhere.

I realize in the Wife-Led Marriage, or Female Led Relationship, it is about HER pleasure. However, the idea that a wife should not, or does not, give oral sex to her husband as a matter of ....policy... seems be more in line with extreme approaches.

What your thoughts are on the wife giving oral sex to her husband?

Thank you.

Arnold

Ken responds…

The main focus of our site is providing an introductory soft landing zone for those being introduced to wife-led marriages for the first time. We do not necessarily advocate boundaries for the relationship dynamic once a couple becomes comfortable with the core notion that the woman is the alpha-spouse in the relationship.

I assume that many women enjoy giving oral sex. These women should indulge this pleasure and do as they choose. I also assume that many women do not. These women should feel no sense of obligation to do anything… sexual or otherwise that they do not want to do in their marriage.

Your wife should decide what boundaries are appropriate in your marriage and more specifically in your bedroom, and you should abide by them. If she wants to indulge your own interest in receiving oral sex or her interest in giving it, that is completely up to her. That is the best advice I can offer on the topic.

-----

Dear Emily and Ken,

Before introducing my wife to your site, I used to fantasize about all sorts of activities that we could do together which represented more intense activities than you have ever discussed on these pages. While you do not discuss these activities for good reason, I am sure that you are familiar with them. Other sites do discuss them, and in fact, other sites seem to focus on them.

Now that my wife has accepted the dominant role in our household (a long story, but off topic), I find that I still fantasize about these activities. I suspect that mentioning them to my wife would risk ruining everything that we have been able to accomplish with loving female authority so far. Do you suggest that I just keep these fantasies to myself, or, as you said in a previous response, do you feel that I should share this with my wife as she is likely better equipped to understand and help me deal with these issues?

Roger in New Mexico

Ken responds…

Roger, this is a great letter. It really put me on the spot. I ran it by Emily and we discussed a response.

You are correct. Certain topics exist for which the (predominately male) members of our audience would like us to discuss, but we do not as they violate the core purpose of this site. I am not certain of exactly what activities you refer, but as a web-savvy submissive man, you have no doubt been exposed to the many ways that men have sought to satisfy their desire to submit to a woman. I am not making a judgment call on any of these activities, but I can say with certainty that the audience of women that would be open to participating in these activities is much smaller than the audience of women that are open to loving female authority as we describe it on our site and in our books. Also, many men have written this site to tell us that once they experienced true loving female authority, their desire for these activities went by the wayside. Yours, however, has not, so let us deal with your situation and toss the generalities aside.

You obviously need to make a determination on whether or not you want to share your interest in these activities with your wife, but you should first ask yourself why you want to share these fantasies. If it is because you hope that by sharing them that she will embrace them, then this is a calculated risk. If it is instead because you feel that by opening up that she will have a better idea as to the deeper nature of your submission and be in a better position to nurture it – regardless of whether these activities are ever to be explored- then this makes more sense to me.

You know your wife better and have a better instinct as to how she will react. Philosophically, Emily and I both agree that you should keep no secrets from your wife. As to the practical concerns that might arise from opening up to her, you are better positioned to predict how she will react than are we. However, I suspect the risk of merely raising the topics for discussion offers very little downside as long as you are not improperly pushy as to the outcome that you desire.

Weekend Workshop is Taking Place

Interest in the workshop was much greater than I expected. We are now definately on for the event, and at this time we are completely booked with five couples scheduled to attend and three on the waiting list.

Thanks to everyone that expressed interest.

National TV Show Seeks Wife-led Household: $20,000 Participation Fee

I have been solicited by a national, prime-time television show to help them locate a family with a wife-led marriage to participate in an episode of their show, Wife Swap. I have done some minor due diligence, and I believe that the offer is genuine. I am posting a letter they have sent to me. Please contact me at Emily.Addison at gmail.com if you would like me to refer you to the casting producer. As part of full disclosure, please note that I will receive a modest referral fee for passing your name along.

Emily Addison

---

I'm a Casting Producer with ABC and we're looking to feature families who live by the Submissive Husband philosophy for our hit family program, Wife Swap. We would love to meet families who are passionate about passing this philosophy on to others and we're looking for wholesome families who spend true quality time together and treasure good old fashioned values with their children.

In case you are unfamiliar with the show, Wife Swap is a family show on ABC primetime. The premise is simple: two moms from two very different families get the opportunity to swap lives for one week to experience what it's like to live a different lifestyle. This also provides them the chance to see what they can teach another family about their own philosophy. The goal of our show is for two families with different viewpoints on life and family to both give and take away something positive by “stepping outside the box” for one week.

We are looking for two parent families with children between the ages of 5 and 18 who have outgoing personalities! All featured families receive a $20,000 honorarium as a thank you for their ten day filming commitment.

I appreciate any help you can offer in reaching out to these families. I look forward to hearing from you!

Around Her Finger Weekend Workshop

We are in the preliminary stages of planning a three day workshop on the topic of Loving Female Authority for January 19th to 21st. Preliminary might be an understatement, as we have not decided for certain that we will actually go forward with the event. We do, however, want to solicit our readers to determine the level of interest before moving ahead.

The likely location would be a luxury resort property located in the Southeastern United States. Guests would arrive Friday January 19th, and we would convene for a welcome dinner that evening. Saturday would be filled with workshops, dinner again that night, and then a final group activity on Sunday before departing.

We would limit the attendance to no more than five couples (six including ourselves). This would be a not-for-profit event for Ken and I, but as best as we can tell at this point, the cost would be roughly $1,000 per couple. This would include the costs of the room, both dinners (excluding alcohol), lunch, breakfast, and the cost of the on-site meeting room.

We would first do telephone interviews with all the couples so that we know going into the event that everyone is roughly in the same stage of development in their LFA dynamic. Please email me regarding your interest directly at first.last at gmail.com (obviously substituting my own name in place of first.last).

Emily Addison

October 2006

Letters from Women

Dear Emily,

I recently was made aware of your site and wanted to share the details of how I met the man that brought it to my attention.

I often go the coffee shop near my home to read my newspaper. I tend to dress well in public, even for my trips to the coffee shop. On this morning I was wearing a pair of pumps that while very cute, were also very uncomfortable. I decided to reach down and remove them when I sat down so that I could get more comfortable with my paper. When I did so, I noticed that the younger man sitting near me seemed to take notice. Out of the corner of my eye I could see him staring at my feet over the laptop on which he was working .

This man was much younger than I am. I dont' think I look it all, but I just had my fifty-eighth birday last week. I have taken yoga for years, and I am very careful about what I eat. I have also had a couple of selective cosmetic procedures, so I believe I could pass for a woman in her early forties. That said, this man seemed to be in his late twenties or early thirties (He is, in fact, thirty-three). He was very well groomed, and he was a very good looking man. My first instinct when I saw him staring at my feet was that I might have imagined it. However, when I put my feet up on the coffee table in front of me, I unmistakeably saw him repeat his stare.

I was still certain that he did not know I had caught him staring. I decided to test it further. I stretched out one foot directly in front of me and rubbed it with my hands. This time I had to work hard to pretend not to notice his reaction. He was sitting up and he actually seemed like he took a deep breath to get control of himself. I was quite tickled that I seemed to be having this effect on him. I have been divorced for almost two years, and I was delighted by the attention I was receiving.

I then decided to try something even less subtle. A few minutes later, I allowed one of the sections of my paper to drop to the floor. Well, you cannot imagine how quickly he set down his laptop to pick up that newspaper. I thanked him, then introduced myself. We began to make small talk, and as we did, I made a point of calling attention to my feet. He made some very worthless attempts to hide his interest, but his eyes were letting him down. Emboldened by my certainty, I again stuck my foot out in front of me. I rubbed it telling him that I had done quite a bit of walking yesterday, and that my feet were very sore as a result. This made him very nervous, and he became toungue-tied trying to formulate a response. I pointed out that he seemed to be quite interested in my feet. I stared and smiled waiting for a response.

Later he would tell me that he was overcome with a desire to kneel in front of me and take my feet in his hands, rubbing them and kissing them. At the moment, however, he said nothing. I was nearly finished with my paper at this point, so I collected my things and told him that I must be going. I was hoping that he might ask for my number, but he was much too shy for this. I told him that I come to the coffee shop regularly and hoped to see him again.

Sure enough, the next morning he returned. When I walked into the shop, he was seated in the exact same location that he had been the day before. We again made some small talk, but this time he was prepared with some ideas about how to handle his reluctance to move beyond idle chatter. He admitted that he had in fact been staring at my feet the day before, and added that it was only because he considered them and me very attractive. He then asked if I might be willing to have a glass of wine with him that evening. I told him I had plans, but that the following evening was open. He took my number, but before he took his leave, he handed me a wonderful hand-written note.

In the note he apologized for his shyness the day before, and wanted to provide an explanation for his behavior. He said that he was overcome not only by my beauty, but by a certain confidence that I seemed to possess. He said that I was the sort of woman that men were eager to put on a pedestal and adore, and he hoped that he might have a chance to do just that. He said that a man is happiest when he puts a woman's happiness before his own, and that he wanted to explore this sort of relationship with me. Upon reading the note, I was quite anxious for him to call me. When he did, I thanked him for the note, and I made the comment that his thoughts seemed very well developed and articulated. He said that he had thought about what makes him happy for a very long time, and had developed this notion not only on his own, but through a number of websites that supported this theory. He mentioned yours by name.

He then went on to suggest that we meet at a restaurant very near my home for that glass of wine the next evening. I agreed to meet him, and when I hung up the phone, I immediately looked up your site. I was very surprised at what I saw. I thought that he clearly had a foot fetish, but was really not even aware that submissive men of the type you describe even existed. I knew that some men were attracted to the idea of dominant women, but I thought that fantasies of this sort were restricted to the professional dominatrix with whips and a leather outfit. Here was something completely unfamiliar to me. Your site described a type of man, of which he was one, that truly would take joy in pleasing a woman. This was something that had an instant appeal to me.

I opened the door when he arrived. He stood there holding flowers. I asked him to go put them in some water in the kitchen and then to open a bottle of wine that I had set out for us. I then took a chair in the sitting room. With him kneeling in front of me, I asked him to remove my shoes. As he removed the first, he closed his eyes and pressed the soul of my foot against his face. He placed gentle kisses along the length, beginning at the bottom of my heel and working towards my toes. These he put in his mouth one by one. I had never felt so adored by any lover.

I told him that I wanted to build a relationship with him based on his service and obedience to me. While we were certainly not in love, our relationship would have the quality of loving female authority, and I would reward his service by indulging his submission. I asked him to look at me and tell me that he understood that his total obedience would be required. He looked at me with such a sense of satisfaction as he told me that he would obey me and that he was grateful beyond words for the opportunity to serve me.

I pushed my legs apart. I allowed myself to slide forward so that my hips were against the edge of the chair, and I lifted my skirt to reveal my body to him. This began the first of what have been the most wonderful intimate moments that I have ever experienced. He is completely selfless in his attention to my physical pleasure. There is truly nothing he does not do for me. Very seldom do I allow our intimacy to put him in a position to climax. Typically, after I have been satisfied, I will tell him that I have had enough. I then spend wonderful moments in his arms while he kisses on my neck and strokes my hair as if we had just been together for the very first time. After all of these years of struggling with relationships in my life, I feel as if I have been given the secret to mutual happiness. By channeling a man’s passions into emotional energy rather than physical release, I have discovered a more satisfying outcome for both of us. It is a powerful magic that all women should learn.

Our relationship is not perfect, but this is due to circumstances and not your methods. For example, our age difference has caused enough unease that neither of us is comfortable in socializing with each others circle of friends. Our relationship is therefore private, and we may never evolve beyond this. For this reason, I am considering telling him that we should pursue separate relationships and explore whether or not we can maintain ours in parallel. I would love to keep his loyalty, but I am afraid that ten years from now this dynamic will begin to collapse, and I do not want to be responsible for wasting his relative youth.

For the time being, I am enjoying my emerging dominance, and he is embracing his submission. There are eveneings when I drink wine while reading, and he is content to rub and kiss my feet until I tell him it is time for bed. He loves to kiss my bottom while I drft off to sleep. He draws baths for me on weekend mornings and brings my coffee to me in the tub. It is really wonderful. I am quite certain that he has no inhibitions when it comes to my control over him, and I intend to explore activities with him that I have never felt comfortable with in the past.

Thank you again mentoring this young man for me. He is amazing.

Unsigned

Emily responds...

Your letter is atypical in that your relationship essentially began with him in service to you. I advocate an approach that builds loving female authority on top of an existing healthy relationship, but you seem to have made this dynamic work for you in your particular circumstances. I am delighted that you are enjoying your time with this man. I am also glad to hear that, having come to your own conclusion that the relationship may not be ideal for the long haul, have already thought about an exit strategy.

Enjoy this time. I know that he does. Also, bring forward these ideas and experiences into any new relationships that you have. You have discovered the joys of male submission, and it would be a pitty to settle for anything less.

-----

Dear Emily,

I have quite a bone to pick with you.

I feel as though your site has given my husband the false hope that I would be interested in a wife-led marriage. In fact, I have no interest at all in anything other than a marriage of equals. Why should he be expected to obey me? Why can't we just relate to each other as individuals and work together to realize our dreams and build our relationship?

We have been married for three years, and I can honestly say that we are the happiest, most loving couple that I know. We laugh, we communicate, we do things together. The idea of him submitting to me just is not what I signed up for when I agreed to marry him. I will admit that I have not read your entire website, but it didn't take long for me to get the idea. This is just not for me.

I would imagine that you get many letters from unhapy wives like me, and I would bet you never publish them. I hope you will publish mine as I think other men should really think twice before suggesting something like this to their wives.

Unsigned

Emily responds...

While we have received many letters from women that are hesitant and cautious about the concepts of loving female authority, yours is the first that I can remember that flatly rejected the concept without further consideration. I suspect, however, that others may have shared your reaction but not been inclined to write us. To that end, I am happy to publish your letter. I do hope that you will consider my response. As you know, I have also sent this response to you in email format and have included an electronic copy of the Around Her Finger book and my telephone number in that email. I am very interested in discussing this topic with you, and I hope that I get the opportunity to do so.

By your own admission you did not read our entire site. I think that this is unfortunate. I do hope that you will read my entire response as I can assure you that I am making a very sincere effort to craft a personal response that touches upon all your concerns.

First, consider that your husband had tremendous courage in bringing his desire for a wife-led relationship to your attention. I would imagine that he was fearful that his openness would generate a negative response from you, and in his case, he was very unfortunately correct. Very importantly, you should know that while his submission has likely been with him for a very long time, his desire to share this side of himself with you and to submit to you is first and foremost an expression of his love. Even if you ultimately decide that this dynamic is not something that you want to reconsider, do not punish him for opening up to you. His candor is not something for which he should feel ashamed, it is something for which he should be commended. Ask yourself if you have ever shared anything with him that might have changed the way he perceives you. Ask yourself if there are things about yourself that you have kept hidden for that very reason.

Second, know that just because you decide that you do not desire a wife-led marriage do not assume that your husband's desires will just now go away. He is submissive regardless of whether you decide to embrace this component of his persona. He can mask and hide his desire to submit to you, but he can no more make it go away than he can change the color of his eyes. Furthermore, it is not just a minor component of how he sees himself. Most submissive men think about their submission all the time. It is only once they embrace their submission and share it with the woman that they love that it becomes a positive part of their life rather than a constant, haunting desire. You said that nobody that you know is happier and more in love than the two of you. Your bond is so strong that your husband risked sharing this with you. While he is no doubt happy with the way he relates to you today, he obviously saw an opportunity to achieve a new level of happiness by introducing this relationship dynamic. He knows he could be happier. To me this an intense argument for an open mind on the subject. Simply stated, you can help fulfill your husband and create new happiness for him. This is one thing women have a difficult time understanding. While he will serve and obey you, he will be the one that takes the most pleasure from this service.

Finally, I want to address what I believe is, for most couples, the real barrier to loving female authority. You probably think that the whole thing is weird. I think that you believe that the bulk of the interactions with your husband will now be defined by the establishment of your new roles, and this is not something with which you are comfortable. Our experience, however is different. Over and over again, we see that 95% of the husband and wife interactions in wife-led marriages are just exactly as they were after the wife formalizes her authority as they were before she did so. Yes, sex will be more focussed on your pleasure and as a result you will both enjoy it more. Yes, your decisions will be respected in the household like never before. Yes, your husband will be more helpful around the house. Yes, he will be even more communicative and more affectionate. There are some modest changes that you will have to make, but the bulk of your day to day interactions will remain unchanged. We see this over and over again in letters that we receive from wives that give the dynamic a chance.

You began your letter by scolding me. I am guilty as charged in so much as I gave your husband the confidence to open up to you and share this very intimate secret. Remember, however, that he was in all likelihood submissive when you married him. Before he discovered this site he kept this secret from you. You have only been married three years. You will continue to learn more about him as you grow together, but you will learn more if you embrace him for who he is. There is much to know about being the wife of a submissive husband, and I want to share more with you. First, you need to take the first step. If not today, if not next month, if not next year, then sometime, you need to open your mind and your heart to your husband's unique gift.

You have my personal email and my phone number. Do not hesitate to contact me.

Letters from Men,

Dear Emily and Ken,

Thanks for your book.

My wife and I enjoyed reading it and we both loved boot camp. We agreed to continue a marriage based on your teachings....but it has gone off the rails and we are where we were before we read the book. Where we are is still a pretty good place...but not as good as boot camp. We are both not sure what has happened. Is this a common experience ? Is it hard to maintain the intensity of boot camp for longer ?

We have a number of explanations -

1. Life is busy and we get distracted and otherwise occupied, (both working) etc.

2. The thrill hard to maintain and we have unrealistic expectations.

3. Our natures are not truly dominant and submissive...and we revert to something else with time.

All or none of these explanations is plausible. Any thoughts you have on this would be great.

Thanks,

Tim

Ken responds...

First, I reject that your nature is not submissive. I believe that most men are submissive, and in your case, you even took an initiatve to introduce loving female authority to your wife. Of course you are submissive, you just become distracted and lose sight of your proper role in the marriage.

Your wife may not be naturally dominant, but her actions more than your own will continue to keep this dynamic healthy. She needs to continue to have expectations for your work around the house, and enforce those expectations with a tone and words that emphasize her authority over you. She also needs to sit you down occasionally and remind you that there is no turning back. Thirdly, and most importantly, she needs to implement more careful orgasm management over you. She should be receiving foot rubs, massages, and any form of sexual intimacy that she desires. In your case, your orgasms need to be fewer and farther between than they seem to be right now.

I know that maintaining this dynamic is not always easy for some couples. I also know that it is easier to give advice than it is to follow it in a busy life. That said, it is definately worth it when it all works out.

-----

Dear Emily and Ken,

I wrote to you once before about how the dynamics my wife and I have evolved in our marriage over the past year and a half come pretty close to being a wife-led marriage as described in "Around Her Finger". Your website helped me find the words to express what we had been moving toward, and to understand the desiresI have always had. Ken responded and encouraged me to find a time and tell her how I feel and how I would like her to lead our marriage.

Since that letter, I have been observing my wife very closely to see if she would be open to this as a permanent arrangement. I had half-convinced myself that my wife consciously knew what was going on as well. She had even initiated a conversation with me about how things are better now that I have given up the expectations I had been raised with, that as the man I was automatically the head of the household.

I decided I needed tell her the whole truth about what I am feeling. Instead of telling her I wanted to submit to her, I decided to tell her that I was already submitting to her, and to bring up how much we both seem to be enjoying things the way they are now and how this fulfills a deep need inside me. When I actually started the conversation, however, I got tounge-tied and when her first response was to say she wants us both to "call the shots".

I chickened out. I felt very panicky about it for a day or so, and I was convinced that now that I had partly brought it out in the open, she would stop acting in a dominant manner. She didn't. We carried on more or less as usual, and since then she has been a little more dominant each week. In fact, I am half-convinced (again) that now she really is "aware" of what is going on.

We were in a store recently, and she pointedout a t-shirt to me that had a picture of Pluto thed og and the words "I'm well trained! (Just ask mywife.)" She was so delighted with the shirt that she high-fived me in the store! So I considered this to be an encouraging sign that mywife would be open to this - yet I still find the prospect of telling her to be a very scary one. I guess the point of my letter is to see if either of you can give me any insight into what may be going on inside my wife's head. It seems to me that she understands what is going on between us as much as Ithink I do. It seems to me that she understands me, that she can see that I love to submit to her. It seems to me that she loves to be in the dominant position herself. Yet I am afraid that I could merely be doing a very good job at convincing myself that what I wish to be true is true.

Any advice would be very much appreciated.

Unsigned

Ken responds...

The only way to know what she is thinking, and for her to know what you are thinking, is to have an open and candid conversation with her. She deserves this.

You are learning what many men have learned. There is very little satisfaction that comes from stealth submnission. You need to feel the liberation that comes from the "you will obey" conversation. You need to have your orgasms managed. You need everything that comes from a wife-led marriage when both couples openly acknowledge their feelings and their roles.

You are lucky in that your wife has opened the door to this conversation with the way she high-fived you in the store. I don't doubt that there are other little signs which might have bopped you on the head, but you continue to ignore due to your fears.

Ask yourself, what's the worst that could happen if you are honest with her?

September 2006

Letters from Women

Dear Emily,

I wanted to write you to let you know about a step I recently took with my submissive husband to reinforce the idea that intimacy between the two of us is no longer a gaurantee that he will have an orgasm. I hope that this letter is not too sexually explicit for the boundaries you place on your site because I think this suggestion is worthwhile for other women.

We have been following the ideas in your book for some time. As such, our lovemaking always involves him spending a great deal of time giving me oral sex. Generally, he brings me to orgasm through oral sex alone. Then, because I really do crave intercourse at this point, we have sex. I will almost always start out thinking that I will not let him orgasm, but by the time that he does orgasm, I have usually not had enough. We have not always had this issue, but according to him, his providing me prolonged oral sex is such an incredible stimulation, that he just cannot keep going as long as he used to be able to last.

To solve this problem, I sat down at the computer with him and had him order us an assortment of adult toys. These included a variety of vibrators, one of which in particular is my favorite. Now, after he has gone down on me, I will most often have him use a toy on me instead of having sex with me. On those occasions where I decide he needs to have an orgasm, we will either have sex before or after using the toy.

There are couple of things I really like about this. One, I now always get the physical gratification that comes from vaginal penetration regardless of whether or not it is time for his orgasm or whether or not he can last as long as I would like him to last. Secondly, I feel like in using the toys, I send him a message that I can be physically satisfied without involving his penis. Don't get me wrong, there are times that I crave the emotional closeness that can only come from having him inside me, but that is different. My physical pleasure can now be separated from his, and we are both the better for it.

Have you heard similar feedback from other women?

Shelly in Illinois

Emily responds...

I think your suggestion is a good one and helps to drive home a key point about how to make this dynamic work. You absolutely have to maintain intimacy, but you also have to disassociate it with his orgasm. The intimacy is for your mental, emotional and physical satisfaction, but for him... the physical satisfaction must be managed. Controlling his orgasms actually intensifies the mental and emotional pleasure that he gains from the intimacy and makes it a more meaningful experience for both of you. The vibrators are a great way to make sure that everyone is getting what they need. After all, your physical satisfaction should certainly not be a function of his ability to hold off on having an orgasm. Men who have their orgasms managed for extended periods are not likely to last very long once they do get to engage in intercourse. The use of adult toys is a good suggestion and definately worth sharing with the community of visitors to this site.

---

Dear Emily,

I am writing with what I think is an important suggestion/reminder for women practicing orgasm [management] with their husbands.

Even before we practiced loving female authority, we abstained from sex during my menstrual period. (This is not entirely true as I would occasionally give him oral sex, but obviously, those days are over.) This practice continued after we first started practicing your methods, but I found that he seemed to fall of the wagon as far as being obedient and attentive during this time of the month. However, he shared something with me recently that has fixed this problem.

The issue was that because I was not interested in sex during my period, I would simply ignore him. I assumed that this period of abstinence was enough to "manage" his orgasm. However, he has told me that at least in his case it was not. He asked if I could tease him a little during the week of my period. Now we snuggle and kiss and I stroke him (but never to climax) before we drift off to sleep at night. This, according to him, makes all the difference in the world. Based on his behavior, I would have to agree.

Maybe you have already commented on this, but I thought it was worth sharing.

Elizebeth

Emily responds...

Actually, I don't know that we have ever come out and made this specific recommendation as it relates to that time of the month, but it is certainly consistent with our thinking. It is a major element of our approach that the mere absence of sex and the actual management of orgasms are not the same thing. A woman absolutely must be engaged in intimate behavior with her husband in which he does not have an orgasm in order for the practice to be effective.

Good letter. Keep the suggestions coming our way.

-----

Dear Emily,

Without any questions, my husband is more attentive, affectionate and loving when I do not allow him to climax than when I do. This seems great, but why should he only act this way when I'm manipulating his brain chemistry (your words not mine)? Why can't he be like all the time no matter what happened in the bedroom the night before?

Unsigned

Emily responds...

Oh, if it could only be so. Human beings by our nature are subject to mood swings. Be grateful that you understand how to manage his. If, however, his behavior is sufficiently unsatisfactory on the days following his orgasms, then you still need to take corrective measures.

Begin by telling him how this makes you unhappy and how you are going to do something about it. First, put some more distance between his orgasm. If he currently climaxes every third time you have sex, make it every fourth. Second, tell him that he will have to earn his next orgasm by having consistent good behavior. Thirdly, make sure that following his orgasms, you continue to receive some intimate pleasures from him. Be as bold with this as you choose, but at a minimum, he should provide you a massage as a token of his gratitude. Do not simply let him drift off to sleep as he would no doubt like to do.

Let us know how this works out.

Letters from Men

Dear Emily and Ken,

One of the letters in your recent update really got me thinking, and I wanted to share a recent experience with you and ask a related question. The letter I am talking about is the one where the woman was flirting with the graduate student tutoring her class, and her husband encouraged her to continue with this behavior.

First, let me give you a little background. Although I am extremely extroverted and most people I know would never suspect it, I have been a closet submissive for as long as I can remember. For a long time I thought that I would grow out of this or be able to suppress it if just I got busy with my life. I married a beautiful (but traditional) woman, started a family, buried my head in my career, and just generally plowed ahead with my dreams. Despite all this activity, I never was able to completely supress my submissive nature. In one way or another it kept surfacing in my desires and behaviors. I developed some bad habits, and it has only been since I discovered your site that I have been able to make peace with my nature.

I finally realized that I could channel my submission into positive, relationship-building activities with my wife. I was worried that my wife's conservative nature would be the only thing stopping me. Up until the day that I handed her the book and confessional CD's along with a heart-felt card asking her to read and listen to them with an open mind, I had never imagined that she would accept my submission. However, after coming clean about my true feelings , this opened up channels of communication with her that I think we could never have had in the past. She understands so much more about me, and she has lovingly adopted the authority in our marriage as a means of making us closer. We have now been living a wife-led marriage for almost a year. During that time, she has becoming increasingly comfortable in her role as the dominant wife, and I have become increasingly comfortable in my role as the submissive husband. While she first tried to put the dynamic on autopilot, she no longer does. She constantly reinforces my need for her loving female authority with to-do lists, open and direct reminders of our roles (i.e. commands to do things, reminders of who is in charge), and [orgasm management]. She has become dominant even beyond my initial dreams, and I am certain we could never go back to the way things were before (and they were good then too!).

So that brings me to why I am writing. At the beginning of the summer, we were spending a week at the beach with another family that we have known for some time. One night, after the kids were all in bed and the parents had knocked off a couple blenders full of margaritas, something happened that had a strange effect on me. My wife was sitting next to the other husband, let's call him Jack, when Jack sort of twisted his shoulder and said that he was still hurting from a fall he had taken on a boogie board earlier in the day. My wife reached her hands up and started rubbing his shoulders. It was no big deal, and there was nothing overtly sexual about it. She just rubbed his shoulders and told him he just needed a good massage and another margarita. She gave me a certain look and told (not asked, but told) me to get up and make Jack another margarita. I did as she asked like I always do (the other couple has absolutely no idea about how our relationship has changed other than the fact that I am much more helpful than before). She probably rubbed his shoulders for ten minutes, and I don't honestly think that Jack or his wife thought that it was anything more than just the simple, friendly shoulder rub that it was.

For me, however, I remember thinking that it really excited me to watch my wife massaging this other man. I have thought about it from time to time, and then was reminded of it when I read last month's letters update. You said that many submissive men are excited when their wives flirt with or are flirted with by other men. I am not suggesting that she was flirting, but in a sense I guess that it had the same effect and I felt that same sense of excitement. I didn't understand it at the time, and still do not really understand it, but I wanted to write to let you know about it and to see if you thought that this reaction was something that I should share with my wife. She also reads your letters section, so if you publish a response, I think she'll know that this letter came from me. I will leave it up to you as to how you want to handle the reply.

Doug

Emily responds...

The letter to which you refer generated quite a bit of email. By virtue of the fact that I am publishing your letter you can see that I feel there is no harm in bringing your feelings to your wife's atention. In fact, I believe that husbands are obligated to share their feelings with their wives. Wives are better equipped to deal with emotional issues such as these, and they can help their husbands grapple with feelings that they may not understand.

The shoulder rubbing incident was perfectly harmless. However, the fact that she was rubbing his shoulders as she reinforced your submission with the special loook and the command to bring the drink had a heightened effect on your submissive nature. This is because the act of her rubbing another man's shoulders is symbolic to you, at some level, of her sexual power. She can touch (i.e. flirt with) another man, and you will still obey and submit to her. She is completely free to do as she likes, even as it relates to other men, but you on the other hand are free to do only what she will allow you to do.

In light of the circumstances, please consider that the fact that she gave you that look and the command suggests that she was putting your needs to sense her authority at the forefront, not your friend's need for a simple shoulder rub. She may have consciously or unconsciously understood the emotional impact that this had on you, and was exploiting it for your benefit. Since she is now likely to read this letter, she may even seek similiar opportunities in the future. I am ok with this in principle, as long as she keeps you and your relationship and your sense of submission as her primary motivator.

Now that I have addressed your specific circumstances, let me also state a few key beliefs that I have that may help provide yourself and others with some clarity regarding my perspective on this broader topic. I believe that absolute trust in any marriage, including wife-led marriages, is paramount to its long-term health and success. I do not suggest that wives make a habit of flirting with other men and damn the consequences. In loving female authority, a husband has many obligations to his wife; this is obvious. A wife, however, also has many obligations to her husband. For example, I have written in the past how a wife must continually make overt gestures of her authority that appeal to her husband's submission. I would also add to this that she must always make her husband the centerpiece and focus of her intimacy. As I stated, I believe you were in fact the center of intimacy in the aforementioned shoulder rubbing incident. If your wife chooses to engage in similar activities in the future, no matter what they be, she should only do so in so much as it it for your mutual benefit.

Just because a woman has the freedom to do whatever she chooses does not mean that she should make choices that ignore her husband's best interests. She should love and respect him enough to always maintain that primary goal of building upon the intimate bond between husband and wife.

-----

Dear Ken,

Feel free to publish the attached before and after photos. At the risk of sounding like a weight loss commercial, I have some very good news to report. Not only did I manage to lose 70 pounds in six months, I also managed to successfully introduce my wife to loving female authority.

When my wife and I married seven years ago, we were a trim, fit, and very healthy couple. However, as a result of a busy work schedule and horrible eating habits, I managed to put on about eighty pounds since we got married. I used my weight as an excuse to introduce loving female authority to my wife, and I asked her to please help me where I had been unable to help myself.

She put me on a strict diet and exercize program that worked wonders. The results, both from a physical and a relationship standpoint, have been pretty dramatic. Jenny Craig better watch her back!

Terry in Orlando

Ken responds...

Terry, while I am reluctant to publish any photos that we receive, I am certainly happy to publish your letter. It is amazing what men can accomplish when we submit to the women in our lives.

-----

Dear Emily and Ken,

First of all I want to tell you both that I really enjoy your web site. I think you are doing a great job with it. I was wondering if I may ask you for some advice. I am trying to get my wife to take charge and lead our home, specifically our sex life. I am more than willing to let her manage my orgasms. I am sure this would add spark to our lives, but so far she is resisting to take the control. Do either or both of you have any suggestions that would help me?

I would greatly appreciate any advice either or both of you would give.

Thanks,

Doug

Ken responds...

Doug, you tell us that your wife is resisting, but you tell us very little about how you approached her. Bear in mind that of all the foot-in-the-door opportunities for yielding control to our wives, her willingness to manage your orgasms is hardly the easiest point of entry.

Go back to your wife and acknowledge that your request seems a little strange. Make sure that she understands that you take incredible pleasure from being intimate with her, but you are tired of the "post orgasm" blues that come from male sexual release. Explain that withholding the orgasm is a way of continuing the sense of an intimtae connection with her. Tell her that you love intimacy with her no matter how she chooses to respond, but that you would just like her to be open to the idea of having her decide to stop you once in a while. It will then be up to you to demonstrate how much more affectionate, helpful and communicative you are in the hours and days that follow her decisions to hold back on your orgasms. Ease her into orgasm management and your chances of success will be much higher.

Next, go back and re-read the site. Re-read this letters section. Consider buying our book. You need a slower, more considered approach to the broader issue of loving female authority. There are no magic, overnight solutions for most men. It is a long, patient, but ultimately very worthwhile journey that you are taking.

August 2006

Letters from Women

Hi Emily, This is Jessica. You may remember a couple of months ago when I wrote you and asked advice on a dispute my hubby and I were having considering whether our five year old would go the expensive private school that I wanted or the public school which my husband desired. Well I basically followed your advice and wanted to tell you the results.

A couple of weeks ago I simply made the decision for us and went to the private school and filled out the paperwork and left them a down payment. In the week preceding this action on my part, I had been playing the role of a tease to my husband, constantly giving him sexual innuendos and the occassional sensual caress and love pats, but denied him any real sexual intimacy or release. By about the 7th or 8th day of these actions he was really going nuts and eating out of the palm of my hand, doing anything to please me. The same night that I had been to the school I had him give me a sensual massage in our bed, while I wore nothing but a G-string.

While massaging me I made the comments about how I so loved being in control in our marriage, and that I had never been happier, and he agreed. When he finished I instructed him to pull off my G-string and as he did so, I told him how I had went to the school and made the down payment. He flinched for a moment but then looked lovingly into my eye and said, "Well of course it was your decison to make, Dear, and if that's your decision I will support you."

Well, right after that, Emily, we had the most wonderful night of passion we'd ever had. We made love with me on top and both felt afterwards like I had just merged him completely into me, and broken him of any resistance he would ever have to my authority. Words can't describe what we both experienced that night, it was simply awesome. Since then he has been servicing me on an unbelievable level, not only carrying out my instructions but not even having to ask him to do something in the first place.

On a completely different topic I want to ask you about a situation I have at my college where I am finishing up a degree. I needed to get a tutor for one of my classes and was assigned to one, but it was in a group session. I found that the tutor was not giving me enough individual attention, and felt he seemed irritated at my constantly asking him questions.

Well, last week, merely by accident, I went to the session wearing a sexy revealing tank top and short jean skirt, and his attitude was completely changed. He was constantly at my beck and call, almost to the point that I was embarrased for him because the others needing tutoring seemed to notice the disproportionate treatment I was getting. Several times I caught him staring at my legs or stealing glimpses down my top. Ordinarily I might have been offended, but it is an advanced math class and I really need the help!

I felt a little guilty about manipulating this man and told my husband about the incident. To my surprise, my husband encourged me to keep this up until the semester was over, telling me its just harmless fun and that I really did need to make sure I passed the class, so why not? He even took me shopping to buy a couple of sexy outfits to wear! Emily, my basic question is: Should I feel guilty about manipulating a man in this way to get him to do my tutorial bidding? I am after all married and have no real intention of giving him what he wants, but this whole experience has me feeling so empowered. I'm really enjoying it!

Should I keepit up, just to get the grade, or should I cool it out of principal?

Thanks in advance for the advice,

Jessica

Emily responds...

Jessica, this is a wonderful letter in so many ways. I have gone back and re-read your original letter as it was posted in the March 2006 letters section. I saw that you already had an established, if not perfect, wife-led marriage prior to this incident. I think it is wonderful that you used orgasm management techniques to achieve your goals with your submissive husband. We all forget at times that submissive men, like all men, can be moody. While submissive men know on many levels - intellectually, emotionally, and even spiritually - that they are happier when in a state of submission to their wives, they are still vicitms of their own male temper and emotions. While this is understandable, it is not acceptable. You took the right actions in bringing your husband back to the submissive role in which he belongs and most importantly that he desires. You did not make the mistake of misinterpreting his defiance as a sign that he was becoming less enthusiastic about a wife-led relationship. You interpreted it as a short-term frustration and dealt with it accordingly. Next time you may choose to deal with his attitude problems more firmly at the time he disobeys you. Either approach will work.

Secondly, the story of your husband's enthusiasm for your flirtatious behavior with this male tutor is quite interesting. It is very typical that submissive men are excited by expressions of their wive's sexuality outside the marriage. Many submissive men report that they become aroused and their submission intensified when they observe other men flirting with their wives and vice versa. Just be very, very careful as you are playing with fire and should keep the loving relationship with your husband as your ultimate objective.

-----

Dear Emily,

I have a question for you. My husband had told me over a year ago that he wanted me to assume the position of head of the household. He explained, even if I still do not totally understand it, that he had been submissive all is life and that his submission to me is an expression of love for me. I read the Around Her Finger book, kept an open mind, and agreed to everything that you recommended.

For the most part, it has been great. It has been even better than I expected. He is more willing to talk and communicate, much more helpful around the house, less argumentative and overall, just a better husband. Sometimes, though, he doesn't seem to be with the program. Just the other day he snapped at me when he saw that I had purchased some expensive houseplants I had been wanting.

Was his submission a passing fad? What can I do? I was getting way too used to the new him.

Kelly in Virginia

Emily responds...

As I pointed out in my response to the last letter, submissive men are just like all men, and their day to day lives can drive mood swings that can cause lapses in their submission. Recharge your husband's batteries by having him kneel before you and reminding him of your respective roles in the marriage. Tell him again how he wanted a wife-led marriage, and now he has one. Give him a long list of tasks to complete and explain that you want intimate massages from him every night until you, and you alone, decide that he is attitude is sufficiently repaired that you will allow him his own sexual release.

-----

Dear Emily and Ken,

I've just read and reviewed a book called The Surrendered Wife by Laura Doyle. It's concepts remind me of Around Her Finger, except one major difference: Doyle claims it should be the husband who manages everything, and the wife should say, and I quote, "Whatever you think," to all his decisions. This, according to her, makes him feel more masculine and lets him know she values, trusts, and respects his decisions. However, since I've been using the Around Her Finger strategies, my marriage has been fulfilling for both my husband and me. And no, we're not going to give up our happy marriage to try this!

I'm just wondering how or why this author can claim such success with her Man-in-control-and-woman-following-along-like-a-puppy method. She claims over 100,000 women have tried being Surrendered Wives and found success. She also claims to be a feminist and "former shrew," as she puts it. She does say the wife should relinquish "inappropriate control," but also that "If you think you're going to surrender in every way but financially, think again." So she truly does want the man doing everything and the woman just going along with whatever he says. Sorry, but I don't think so!

But can she claim this because all marriages are different, and there might actually be men who can be the head of a household? Or is it just a crock of bull in the form of another author expressing her extremely biased opinion? (One more thing, she says this is Biblical, which it is, but who ever said the Bible wasn't open to interpretation!) I truly don't get it. Any help would be great.

Thanks,

Very disturbed . . .

Crystal

Emily responds...

I have passed on responding to Surrendered Wives questions on this forum for a very long time, but I believe that it is only right that I address the subject.

One of the central problems that wife-led marriages solve is that the burden of negotiating decision-making in a relationship is lifted when the husband surrenders control to his wife. Logic dictates that this problem could as easily be solved by a wife surrendering control to her husband instead of the other way around. Why then, do I believe that this does not work?

As Ken and I write about in our books, we believe that woman are more naturally suited to decision-making then men. They tend to be less impulsive and more apt to consider all sides of an argument before making a decision. They are much more likely to consider the longer-term consequences of their decisions and take the impact of those decisions on others into account. While there are exceptions to every rule, the general superiority of female vs. male decision-making and problem solving is well supported by contemporary research and is increasingly the consensus thinking on the topic of gender and its impact on leadership.

However, I strongly believe that even in marriages which represent an exception to the above rule, women should still occupy the position of head of the household. This is because the impat of loving female authority on a marriage represents a catalyst for positive changes in the relationship that male authority and female submission can never replicate. A surrendered husband will be more affectionate, more communicative, and more focussed on the relationship as a result of his role in the marriage. This has been documented time and time again in the letters to this site and to the growing body of anecdotal evidence on the topic. Loving female authority channels the sexual energy of the submissive husband into emotional intimacy that makes the couple closer than they could ever be in its absence. Submissive wives, on the other hand, are prone to be less communicative than a wife in a traditional, shared-authority, marriage. Male authority is autocratic and one dimensional. Female authority is a growth experience for both spouses.

While the success of this site is evidence that many men are seeking out wife-led marriages, the success of Ms. Doyle's book is evidence that many women also desire the submissive role. This is unfortunate. However, as the world around us continues to evolve, more and more women will become bold about their desire to lead, and more and more men will feel the confidence required to submit. I have said before that men, in overwhelming numbers and perhaps without exception, are born with an emotional predisposition to be led by women. For cultural reasons, many men never allow themselves the luxury of indulging this desire. I think the growing ranks of submissive husbands is a function of the fact that more and more men have the courage to face this reality.

As to the Biblical implications of these two competing marriage dynamics, I will leave that to the theologins. I know that Ken and I, both serious and avid Christians, see nothing inconsistent with our beliefs on wife-led marriages and our core spiritual values.


Letters from Men


Dear Emily and Ken,

Thank you for maintaining such a wonderful and comprehensive site for so many years. I am a long time visitor and an continually amazed at the effort you put in to your work. I have learned a lot from you.

Now I am hoping you can assist me with a situation that is years in the making. First let briefly me tell you about myself. I am a 38 y/o physically fit guy. I work in management for a large company, and have been with them quite a while. I am fairly well respected, semi-intelligent, and come across as confident.

In the years I have been with this company, I have become pretty close friends with one of the women who reports to me. We have become close enough that she often confides in me concerning issues outside of work. I do the same with her. This has been going on for years now. We go to lunch together, fairly often, and yes, there is flirting on both of parts. I think it is safe to say that I am much more attracted to her, then her to me. However, I do know that she likes me as a person and trust me as a friend and a boss. I do not for a minute envision ever having an intimate relationship with this woman. That is not the goal of all this. I greatly enjoy her company and want to make her life easier.

I think you know where this is heading. I have an overwhelming desire to serve this woman, on any level. I am not the type of guy who gets this feeling about every attractive woman I meet, either. I believe she is open minded enough that she could be shown the benefit in having a guy who would do anything for her. Even better for her, if that guy is her boss. When I say "anything", I am talking about running errands for her, doing paperwork for her, simple things for starters. Knowing her like I do, I think this is entirely feasible and is something she would really appreciate. She is the type of woman that deserves to be spoiled, and I feel I am in a good position to do my part in spoilng her. Further, I think she would take to it like a duck to water, if I could just get through the most difficult first steps.

My dilemna is that I have no clue how to approach this. For instance, when she is at her PC at work and I am nearby, and hear her say she printed something. I rush across the room to the printer, and hand deliver her printouts to her, before she even has a chance to get up. I get a thank you in return.. Once I got a "good boy:, and I took that as a sign of hope. My response was a sarcastic "yes ma'am" I figure if I do things like this enough, she might come to expect or request it. Maybe I'm off base here, as it hasn't happenned yet. The day she calls me and tells me (not asks) to go run this errand for her, is the day that I feel like real progress has been made. I am just not sure how to ever ensure that, that day comes.

I am limited by much if the general advice I have read here, because of the work relationship. I am her boss and I have to be very careful on how to approach this type of situation. Also, I should mention she is married. Not a perfect marriage and there is no female dom aspect in that marriage at all. I have a strong sense that she would really get in to a situation where a man would fawn over and spoil her on command. I think if the cards were played right, it could come to that. My problem? I don't play cards very well. I cannot just approach her one day and say "hey can I rub your feet:" or "can I take your dry cleaning in for you today?" I just can't do that. I need more little subtle ways of getting her to the point where she would be comfortable asking or telling me to do these things for her. I believe she knows very little about female domination and I would like to be able to anonsymously refer her to some articles that would get her mind in the right place,. Make no mistake, she is a powerful woman, just waiting for enlightenment, I don't believe she has any clue of the benefits she could easily extract from men like me. And I equally believe if she knew the power she possessed, she would love to use it. If she were to get to this level, I would really feel like I did her a favor.

So how can I pursue this gently and where my job won't be jeopardized? What little hints can I drop? What little things can I do to let her know: "I want to do what you say, you are the boss"???

I realize some women are just never going to realize the power they possess, but I believe this one wants too and would be a natural. It's just a matter of getting her there. Can you help?

Unsigned

Emily responds...

Ken had originally written a reply to your letter, but I rejected it. As you know, I emailed you with some additional questions, and I now understand that you have taken no bold steps to introduce loving female authority to your wife. That said, I am ready with my reply.

In Ken's response, he had suggested a series of steps to slowly build toward a submissive dynamic with this woman. I reject that approach outright. You are free to fantasize about serving this woman, but your actions should not reflect these desires. Business is business, and I absolutely abhor any plans you may have to formalize a submissive role with this woman.

Instead, I advise you to be courageous in your marriage. Follow the lead of the many brave men that have written this site. Share your thoughts, feelings and desires with your wife. She deserves honesty from you, and this is the only relationship which will ultimately satisfy your very sincere sense of submission.

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Dear Emily and Ken,

First, I want to thank you for your site. What you have done in providing this information is a wonderful service for men like me, and it has helped me beyond words. For nearly all of my 33 years of marriage I have been aware of my submissive desires towards my wife and we had role-played this at various times, but only in the bedroom. Once we became "empty nesters" about 8 years ago, my wish to submit to my wife's authority only grew in intensity. I made some bungling mistakes in trying to express this to her. These included my writing a letter which was rather sexually explicit. This ended up in some discussion, discomfort on her part, and no action. These attempts were several years ago, and I had all but given up on experiencing this kind of relationship in our otherwise strong and loving marriage.

I had been engaging in stealth submission, but found myself getting resentful because she wouldn't respond how I had it played out in my mind. I would give up for periods of time, or I would become distant for periods of time, and I'm sure she never knew why.

Then I happened across your site. I took a chance one evening and showed her. She read the site with me sitting nearby. She said nothing as she looked over the site for about 45 minutes, then turned to me and said, "So this is what you really want." I nervously and sheeplishly told her that I wanted this very much. She said she'd think about it. While she was "thinking" I did my best to show her I meant it and I began volunteering foot massages, handed over the TV remote, she began picking where we'd go when we went out, I went out of my way to do even more chores, make her comfortable in the evening, etc.

We talked about it again and she said she'd give it a try. That was about 6 months ago, and things are progressing very well. She has taken complete control in the bedroom, chooses what I am to wear if we're going out, decides what chores need to be done, maintains a chore list for me, etc. Recently we took things to another level when I told her that I craved being punished by her. I had told her this before, but she had told me that "I am a nice person, and I don't want to punish you." This time I had made up a list of what might be characterized as more symbolic punishments that I was look for her to consider. I gave her the list. Again she said she'd think about it. I did not pressure her.

Just last week (about 2 weeks after we had the talk about punishment) she surprised me by having me stand before her while she told me I had to be punished, and she had me tell her what I'd done wrong. She gave me the "sentence," telling me that I was not able to sleep in HER bed that night and I was to go to a spare bedroom. She did this very sternly. I am not able to explain this through my own efforts at self-examination, but I felt wonderful in accepting this discipline from her. The next day I told her how much it had meant to me, and I have felt even closer to her ever since--if that is possible. I cannot explain how important this one step was in our developing relationship, but it made me feel so loved by her to have her punish me. Since then she has commented about the possible need to punish me in the future. I have told her that on one hand I don't want to displease her, but on the other hand I crave being disciplined by her again.

I am so happy that I found your site and that the use of this site helped her understand me and this need in an altogether different manner than I had been able to express to her in the past. I am now so excited to see her every day and to be with her wherever we're going and whatever we're doing. I truly feel like I did back in our dating days. I asked her over the weekend if she was okay with where we were at in our marriage, and she said "Oh, yes!"

There are of course many other details of how things have developed and are handled now in and out of the bedroom, but suffice it to say that I believe that she is enjoying the authority and finding that it is a benefit to her. For me, I have never been happier.

A couple questions: Do you find that the discipline/punishment element is important to most submissive men? Do you reccomend certain methods or ways of handling this? Thanks.

Sincerely,

Tom

Ken responds...

I hope you will indulge me by first allowing me to share some of the philosophical ideas that drive the selection of letters that we publish on these pages and our responses to those letters.

We receive many letters from men that ask us to address questions for which the subject matter does not contribute to the principle reason for this site's existence, that being an introduction to loving female authority for women completely unfamiliar with the concept. For that reason we have made some effort to focus on positive terminology and avoid words with negative connotations. That is why, for example, we now talk about a woman's management of her husband's orgasms for their mutual benefit as opposed to her denying his orgasms.

The very word "punishment" would seem to have negative associations to many newcomers, so it is not a concept we have chosen to discuss. However, we cannot deny that the idea of being punished by one's wife has tremendous appeal to many submissive men. It represents demonstrable and highly satisfying evidence of her authority. I liked your letter, and have therefore chosen to share it with others, because the punishment that your wife has chosen for you is the very thing that you crave the most... her physical presence. This separation will only serve to heighten your desire to have her close to you, and will intensify your desire to obey her completely. Just be certain that the privacy that your separation affords you does not tempt you to seek your own self-release via masturbation. All submissive men know what an orgasm can do to take the intensity out of your submissive desires.

Ken