Sunday, December 31, 2006
January 2007
Letters from Women
Dear Emily,
I guess I don’t understand why so many men have to agonize over their decision to share your site with their wives. I’m young (23), so maybe it’s a generational thing, but I can’t imagine any woman not loving this. In fact, the group of women that I hang out with are all determined that we will be in control in our relationships. I think the ideal of equality that women talked about in the sixties and seventies ridiculous. Women’s sexuality is biologically designed to give them the upper hand in the relationship. Men’s sexuality is biologically designed to make them dependent on women. Why should women settle for equality? Why should they settle for anything less than being totally in control?
I am still single and dating, but I waste very little time with men that don’t understand that I am going to be in charge in the relationship. It probably comes as no surprise to you, but even the most macho of men become like putty in my hands when I bring up this topic with them. I withhold sex on my first few dates with men not because of any old fashioned values, but rather because I know that done right this makes them more affectionate and more attracted to me. The first few times that we are intimate, I will have them [practice oral sex on me], but I will do nothing to return the favor. They resist until I tell them why I am doing this. I tell them I am doing it because I like to be in control and that this helps me “wrap them around my finger”. Once they understand this, they love it. I absolutely always point them to your website so that they will understand what I want and expect in a relationship.
I don’t know if I am typical of the new generation of women or not, but I am sure that there are more women like me now than there ever were. Please tell all the men that read your site to quit worrying about what their girlfriends and wives will think and just tell them what they want. Their wives probably already know it anyway.
Kate in Illinois
Emily responds…
Your letter is certainly not lacking in attitude. Bravo to the women of the younger generation that feel comfortable with their authority over the men in their lives. Many women, however, grew up in a more traditional world than you did, and they do need a gentler nudging into a female-led relationship that you might suppose.
Maybe more importantly, I think you raise an interesting point for discussion when you mention that younger women are more naturally embracing their dominant side and younger men are eager to accept it. Like you, I wonder just how pervasive your attitude is amongst women of your generation. You seem not only aware of what you want, but you seem gifted in your understanding of how your sexuality can be used to manipulate his submissive nature. While there is likely a growing openness to the attitude that you and your circle of friends embrace, I doubt that it is as well defined and as well understood amongst twenty-something women in general.
I would also suggest that as you move from your early twenties and closer to my -- still undisclosed -- age, that you will come to develop a very healthy respect for men that will compliment your dominant attitude very nicely. Well I agree that women should be the alpha-spouse in any relationship, I also value the man in my life tremendously and respect him as a person immeasurably. This is true even while I accept and demand his service and obedience to my authority. It is the perfect mix of mutual respect and loving female authority that makes our relationship so special to both of us.
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Dear Emily,
I am a forty-two year old, single woman. I have struggled with a weight problem my entire life, and I suppose this is at the heart of why I remain single. I feel like I am an attractive woman, but definitely heavier than I would like to be. I am writing because a friend of mine suggested your site to me as something in which I might be interested.
She suggested that many submissive men are attracted to larger women. She said that if I would be open to a female-led lifestyle, that maybe I could explore some of the online dating services to find a good match. I realize that this suggestion sounds like it could have offended me, but she is a good friend, and I really believe she only wants me to be happy. Also, she has confided in me that her own marriage is female-led, so she obviously is a fan of the idea in general.
She suggested I read through your site and make up my own mind. In looking at the material, I have to say that I am very impressed and definitely interested. I feel like this would be a wonderful way to express my sexuality, and that I could be very happy with a submissive man. However, I wonder what you think about my friend’s idea that many submissive men are interested in bigger women?
First, I don’t even know if this stereotype is true. Secondly, I don’t know that using this to my advantage would even be the right thing to do.
Unsigned in Seattle
Emily responds…
As to whether submissive men are more likely to be attracted to larger women, I have no way to know, but I suspect that this is not the case. However, since a primary point of attraction for submissive men is an outwardly dominant personality, I do believe that they are more likely to overlook body shape and physical attributes than their non-submissive peers. Perhaps this is the source of your friend’s thinking on the topic.
The real issue here is whether or not loving female authority appeals to you. If it does, then by all means pursue a relationship where this dynamic is in place. Typically, I recommend that people seeking an alpha-female relationship pursue partners on the basis of vanilla interests, and only after the relationship is established, introduce the concept to their partner. However, if you feel that vanilla relationships have eluded you due to your size or self-esteem issues stemming from your size, then by all means, explore the dating sites that are dedicated to matching submissive men with dominant women. While I have no first-hand experience with them, I am sure that they exist in abundance and have led to many successful relationships.
Letters from Men
Dear Ken,
For years I have had this nagging awareness that I have a problem with an addiction to femdom pornography and professional domination the way that some people have an addiction to drugs or alcohol.
I have been interested in this topic for as long as I can remember, and the problem has been evolving for about the last fifteen years. I say fifteen years because it was probably fifteen years ago that I first went to a professional dominatrix. At the time, I think I spent $250 for a one hour “session”. Since then, I have probably spent no less than $70,000 (I am not exaggerating) on professional dominants and femdom websites. Furthermore, this “habit” cost me my first marriage. You have to be pretty rich and pretty smart to hide the kind of money that I was spending from your wife, and I can tell you that I was neither of these. She found out about my habit and needless to say was not all too happy. The divorce cost me tens of thousands of dollars over what I have already mentioned and also led to shame and humiliation from a great many of my friends and associates as they learned from her what was behind the break-up.
You would think that all of this would have been enough to break me of my addiction, but like most addicts, it was only a step on the way down. I moved to another city to more or less escape the current mess of which I had made of my life. I took a job making less than half what I had been making, and funneled nearly all my spare cash into one particular professional dominatrix who was more than happy to take it. I knew that none of this made sense, but I just could not stop myself.
I found your site about this time last year. I immediately made a decision that I would break the cycle that was destroying me. I realized that what I really wanted was a real relationship that allowed me an outlet for my undeniable desire to submit to a woman. I started by going cold turkey on professional dominants and pornography. I also made an outright confession to the woman that I was dating by giving her your confessional CD and a copy of your book. To my great delight, she embraced the idea. She was in fact very enthusiastic about the whole thing.
I have since been able to open up to her like I have never been able to open up to anyone in my life. I actually told her all about my past, just as I am telling you now. Actually, with her I went into details which I don’t think are appropriate for this site, so she knows even more than you do. What makes her so wonderful is that she understands my past, understands my submission, and loves me for who I am. The vanilla part of our relationship is still the most significant part, but the loving female authority component has absolutely rescued me. I don’t even think about seeking out other outlets to try and quench the real hunger that my submissive nature has given me my entire life. For the first time I am truly satisfied and feel like I have found something that will work for me long term.
I know my case is probably extreme, so if you feel that it might be a little over the top for women being newly introduced to these concepts, then I completely understand your not publishing my letter. I just thought you should know the sort of real impact you have had on my life.
Unsigned
Ken responds…
We are publishing your letter for a couple of reasons. One, your story of being lost in what you refer to as your addiction and finding peace only when you were able to link your submission to genuine, loving female authority is a lesson for many of our male visitors. Secondly, your story illustrates to the female visitors to this site just how deep and intense the submissive nature can be in men. While many do a better job of controlling their impulses to indulge their fantasies than you did, I suspect that many of our submissive male readers are not at all surprised at how easily you were seduced by your desires.
Emily also responds…
Please take note of the fact that your recovery remains short-lived. Embrace the relationship in which you now find yourself and do everything you can to keep your partner happy, but do not use your relationship as a crutch. In other words, you need to be independently strong and able to resist falling into your old habits even if your new relationship -- for any reason -- does not last. Please consider professional counseling to assist you to that end.
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Dear Mrs. and Mr. Addison,
About four years ago, after a major argument with my wife, I realized that changes had to be made because I valued my relationship with my wife more than anything. After reflecting, I realized that many of our problems were because of 'control' issues. At the same time, I realized that we agreed on things 95% of the time. The other 5% was causing the problems, but I also realized that she was probably correct on many of these other issues while I was correct on some. Thus, my logic was that if I accepted her decisions as final, I would really be only giving in 2-3% of the time. So I decided that this was the thing to do, and I told her that from then on I would do as she said. I call this my capitulation.
I truly have tried to change and to follow her guidance in all issues. She recognizes that I have changed and says that she would not now accept me going back to the way I used to be. She admits that she was skeptical at first, but admires my perseverance. However, whenever I bring up the subject of her being "head of the house", she always blows it off or if she acknowledges it, it is only in a cursory manner..."yeah, yeah, let's change the subject now" type of thing.
What would mean a lot to me, especially after years of trying to change, would be for her to bring it up on her own, formally acknowledge my efforts, advising that she not only knows she is head of our family but also 'feels' it as well, that that is the way it is going to always be from now on and that she expects my continued obedience. Somehow, I guess I have a need for her authority to be formalized and recognized by her, without me prodding her to do so.
About six months ago, I showed her your site. After she read it, she came back to our room and gave me a kiss. Later, when we had retired to bed, she asked if that is what I really wanted. I told her yes, but she didn't respond; she just dropped the subject.
I have told her that I have reached the point where I feel that a matriarchal marriage just 'feels right', that women are more nurturing and that I am very comfortable with her being in charge of our family. She knows she is in charge, I can tell that from the way she acts. She even gives me a stern look if I forget and walk in front of her in a restaurant, etc.
But for some reason, she is hesitant to discuss it or 'formalize' it, and that is what I lack. At the same time, I don't want to push her to say something she doesn't feel or is uncomfortable with, just to [placate] me. I want it to come from her. Any thoughts?
Best regards,
Unsigned
Ken responds…
Loving female authority is truly the elephant in your living room. It is sitting there whether or not your wife wants to acknowledge it.
She is ignoring the topic simply because she is uncomfortable with it. That said, sometimes people need to get past their discomfort and talk about difficult topics. I suggest you tell her that there is something you really want to discuss with her. Have her agree to set aside some time so that you will know she cannot use another commitment as an excuse to break off the conversation. If you drink, it might not be a bad idea to have the conversation over a couple glasses of wine.
Think about structuring the conversation to accommodate her lack of comfort. Open by telling her that you know that this is a difficult topic, and you do not expect her to be able to open up completely about how she feels about the subject. You, however, need to have a practiced and articulate expression of your own feelings. Say everything you want to say in a consciously non-threatening way. Our site is full of tips to help you do this. Next, rather than waiting for a long, heartfelt reply from her, you should prepare follow up questions that she can answer very quickly without her having to open up right on the spot. For example, ask her if she appreciates the way that you are more accommodating to her requests. Ask if she would like you to add even more chores and tasks to make her life more comfortable. Tell her you would like to buy a massage table for her and ask if she would be up to letting you give her more massages. All of these questions have simple yes or no answers.
Then, tell her you know how subjects like orgasm management and ‘formalizing the relationship dynamic’ seem weird, but nonetheless, they are important to you. Ask her if, in her own time, she will consider trying them with you. For orgasm management, you can offer her a little two sided paperweight to keep next to the bed which, depending on which side is turned up or down, dictates that you will or will not be allowed to orgasm that night. This way she does not even have to verbally communicate it to you. You can also use the little “magic thong” trick that we mentioned in the last post to this update, but the paperweight works just as well and probably costs less.
Getting comfortable with a wife led relationship and getting comfortable in talking about it are two different things. You need to be understanding of this fact, but she also needs to realize its importance to you.
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Dear Ken,
I find that nothing is more gratifying than the very intense sense of submission that follows intimate contact with my wife where she actively witholds my orgasm. However, she gives me orgasms as a sort of reward for good behavior. This ends up creating a self-defeating cycle where she witholds my orgasm, I behave like the adoring and obedient husband that she wants, and I am rewarded wtih an orgasm as a result of my behavior.
Is this a common problem? It seems like it would be. Do you have any suggestions.
Unsigned
Ken responds...
While Emily and I do not like to discuss our personal experiences online (instead relying on our general opinions born of experience and reinforced by the anecdotes of others), I will share with you that I went through the same issue. It is sort of like staring at a piece of chocolate cake. You depserately want to eat it, but afterwards, you feel a bloated sense of discontent. Your physical needs have been satisfied, but it did nothing for the more gratifying sense of self-discipline that would have come with walking away. In your case, however, your physical needs are a constant, but you wish that your wife would provide the discipline. A sense of her exerting authority via her sexuality is far more rewarding than any physical experience. In a relationship based on loving female authority, this represents an affectionate token of her love for you that is real and genuinely powerful.
I got past this problem by discussing it with Emily. We now have a much more enlightened approach to orgasm management that is satisfying for both of us. She understands that at the same time that I want the orgasm, there is a very real part of me that does not want it. We are considering publishing a very detailed essay on our approach, but for now just know that it is not just a simple system of manipulation and reward as your wife seems to be pursuing.
If you have read our book(s), look to the coin toss game and the philosophy behind it as an idea for a new direction. The key to this game is that whether or not you have an orgasm should be out of your control. Look to her instincts, impulses and good judgement as to what is best for you.
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Dear Ken,
Just got my “magic thong” this week and gave it to my wife. What an icebreaker! She laughed, but she also listened. We talked like never before.
Please pass my thanks along to whoever it was that wrote you suggesting the idea.
Have a great ’07,
Paul in New Jersey
Monday, December 18, 2006
The Gift of Self Sacrifice
We are always looking for clever, non-threatening ways for aspiring submissive husbands to introduce the idea of a female-led relationship to their wife or girlfriend. Here is a clever suggestion sent in by a reader. We have taken the liberty of helping to make it a little easier by setting up the product on cafepress.com (the same site that hosts our AHF Boutique). Silly as it seems, the reader calls it the "Magic Thong" approach to orgasm management.
Go to this link (Magic Thong) and purchase your wife or girlfriend the pair of panties with the subtle orgasm management message printed on them. Then give them the gift with the following letter neatly printed out. (Note, we have also created a card on cafepress.com with the message pre-printed. This will make it seem even less like you had a personal hand in creating the gift. The card can be purchased here. You have to purchase a minimum of eight cards on the cafepress site, so really, we recommend you just type it out yourself.)
***
The Gift of Self-Sacrifice:
Because we both know that I can sometimes be a bit selfish, I wanted to give you this special present which is definately all about you. Surprise me by slipping into them one night. When I see that you are wearing them, I promise to give you a night of passion that leaves you completely satisfied. Moreso, I will prove my selflessness by promising not to end up with any satisfaction, so to speak, myself.
Sound a little crazy? Maybe it is, but it sounds fun too.
xoxoxo,
***
After you give her the panties, I think it is very likely that eventually she will take you up on your offer. Just make sure you deliver as promised. Also, although you will find that you her active management of your orgasms will greatly intensify your submissive feelings, you need to go absolutely overboard so that she understands the impact that intimate contact without climax has on you. Leave no doubts in her mind that managing your orgasms leads to very desirable behaviors on your part. Building this link in her mind is an important first step in showing what is in it for her.
Go to this link (Magic Thong) and purchase your wife or girlfriend the pair of panties with the subtle orgasm management message printed on them. Then give them the gift with the following letter neatly printed out. (Note, we have also created a card on cafepress.com with the message pre-printed. This will make it seem even less like you had a personal hand in creating the gift. The card can be purchased here. You have to purchase a minimum of eight cards on the cafepress site, so really, we recommend you just type it out yourself.)
***
The Gift of Self-Sacrifice:
Because we both know that I can sometimes be a bit selfish, I wanted to give you this special present which is definately all about you. Surprise me by slipping into them one night. When I see that you are wearing them, I promise to give you a night of passion that leaves you completely satisfied. Moreso, I will prove my selflessness by promising not to end up with any satisfaction, so to speak, myself.
Sound a little crazy? Maybe it is, but it sounds fun too.
xoxoxo,
***
After you give her the panties, I think it is very likely that eventually she will take you up on your offer. Just make sure you deliver as promised. Also, although you will find that you her active management of your orgasms will greatly intensify your submissive feelings, you need to go absolutely overboard so that she understands the impact that intimate contact without climax has on you. Leave no doubts in her mind that managing your orgasms leads to very desirable behaviors on your part. Building this link in her mind is an important first step in showing what is in it for her.
Friday, December 01, 2006
December 2006
Letters from Women
Dear Emily,
I was very excited to have discovered your site, and more importantly, to discover that there is a community of women that have embraced the idea that the wife is often, if not always, best suited to the role of head of household. I would like to share the story of how loving female authority (even though we did not call it that at the time) became the norm in our marriage, and how it has changed since discovering your website.
My husband and I met in our early twenties. We were both very educated and ambitious people. Our careers and our relationship competed for attention, but after several years of dating, we struck a good balance of what worked for us, and we became married. My husband’s career was actually the one that began to skyrocket, but as he became more and more successful, I noticed that he was becoming more and more attentive to me in the time that we spent together. It was clear that he was taking great pains to figure out what pleased me, and even greater pleasure in doing these things for me. He was rubbing my feet every night, offering me massages, and despite his long hours at work, doing much if not most of the housework.
While you would think that all of this would have been any woman’s dream, I was actually struggling with our relationship at this time. In fact, I think my husband’s behavior might have initially been a way to overcompensate for the fact that I was quite jealous of his success at work, and my competitive and naturally dominant nature was not comfortable with his greater degree of success. So while he was overcompensating by being particularly attentive, I was overcompensating by being particularly demanding and often critical. However, I noticed that the more demanding that I would become, the more he seemed to embrace my authority. I stopped asking him to do things and instead told him to do things. If he did not rub my feet long enough, I would tell him to get back down and finish. I started practicing orgasm [management] even before I had heard what the term meant. Very often, I would have him go down on me and then just roll over and go to bed when I had reached my climax.
All of this was happening in the absence of any real communication between us, and honestly, I do not know that this type of relationship would be sustainable in the absence of communication. So one evening, we finally had a real heart to heart about every aspect of our relationship. I conceded that I was very envious of his career success. He was now making tripled the money that I was making. We also discussed what I have just described in terms of how our behavior towards each other seemed to derive from my envy and his awareness of my envy, as if he felt guilty for being successful. But despite the fact that my becoming more dominant and him becoming more submissive was grounded in envy and miscommunication, it also turned out that we both liked it.
I told him that I felt I was well suited to the dominant role and liked having a sense of control and authority. He told me that nothing would make him happier than continuing and even accelerating this dynamic, so long as it was accompanied by the open dialogue and genuine affection for each other that had characterized our the earlier days of our marriage. So, years before I had even heard of loving female authority, we started practicing it.
I told you early in my letter that my marriage has changed since discovering your site, and I now want to tell you what I meant by that. I had always struggled with the fact that I thought I was the only woman in the world that had cemented my authority over my husband in the way that I had. I thought that we must have been a very peculiar circumstance, and that this was our thing and our thing alone. The discovery that there are many marriages like this, and that there are even many more men that seek out marriages like this was like lifting a weight off of my shoulders. Suddenly nothing felt strange to me about my relationship any longer.
As a result, I have become liberated in my thinking. Inhibitions that I have had about pushing limits with my husband are now gone. By being exposed to this site and others like it, I now have a better sense of the psychology that underlies my husband’s submission, and I am open to allowing him to express his love for me with submission in ways that I might not have in the past. Also, I am not so casual about my approach to orgasm [management]. My husband and I have now spoken openly about the role that is plays in our relationship, and I am no longer practicing it by chance, but rather by design. All in all, your site has given him and me much to talk about, and I think we understand each other better as a result.
Please keep up the good work that you do in your letters updates. It seems that most sites have difficulty in maintaining the steady stream of content over a long period of time. You are one of the few that has done it consistently, and I applaud you for it.
Sincerely,
Kim in New York
Emily responds…
Your letter serves to reinforce my belief that loving female authority is a completely natural evolution in the way that men and women relate to each other. You did not need an instruction manual to make it work in your marriage, it happened as a result of your husband’s innate need to serve you, and your innate desire to lead him.
I hope you will keep in touch. I suspect that there are aspects to your relationship that would provide great direction to others that are not so far along in their journey as are you and your husband.
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Dear Emily,
My husband and I have had an Around Her Finger marriage for about two and a half years. As with others that have written to this site, we have had times when the dynamic has been more intense than others, but overall, it has had a wonderful impact on our marriage, and any time that it starts to ebb in intensity, I have always been able to bring it back through some of the basic techniques that you have recommended on your site.
I write you now because of something unsettling that I just discovered in my husband’s history folder on the computer. It seems that he has been spending some time on websites that, while related to loving female authority, seem to be something entirely different than what you talk about on here and what we live at home.
I have not even confronted him about it, because I am not sure that I should have been snooping on his computer and how he will react to that. Do you have any suggestions on how to handle this? I am including some of the web addresses so that you can get an idea of what I am discussing.
Unsigned
Emily responds…
First and most importantly, of course you are entitled to look at his history folder. He surrenders any pretense to privacy, beyond what you might decide to allow, when you formally accept your new roles in the relationship. This is to both of your benefit, as your husband needs you control and guidance.
I have taken the liberty of going to the websites you forwarded me (I was familiar with most of them). I have put together a discussion guide using some of my own content as well as some cutting and pasting from the websites. I suggest that you have your husband prepare you a nice meal, and that you have him open a bottle of wine for the two of you. After dinner, sit somewhere comfortable and have him strip and kneel in front of you. Then, pull out my discussion guide, and point by point… start taking him through the material.
This will serve several key objectives. First and foremost, it will make him aware that you know about his web surfing. Let him also know that you will continue to monitor his web habits, and that you have in fact installed software so that you can more closely control his surfing (which is readily available online). Also, you want to understand his interest in these other topics. You want to get him to talk about these topics and not let him simply shrug off the discussion with short answers that hide his real thinking. It is your right and your duty to understand his sexuality. Then, when you feel you better understand him; you can make some decisions about how to proceed.
You may want to indulge some of the activities and make it perfectly clear that some of the others will never happen. Or, you may want to threaten that some of them may happen whether you really intend to move forward with them or not. One of the activities on the sites you sent me is a particularly powerful tool for reinforcing male submission from just a fantasy perspective, and you can use just the threat of it without ever having to act on it.
I have sent you my home phone number if you want to discuss this in more detail.
Letters from Men
Dear Emily and Ken,
The wife and two girls from her work usually go out one Friday a month. They just go to a local tavern that has a decent happy hour and draws a nice crowd. These "girl's nights" almost always lead to a big fight between us. My wife is 29, very attractive (easily the most attractive of the three) and outgoing, and I have to admit I do not like the idea of her putting herself out there like that. Although she denies it, and gets pissed when I say it, she is very flirtatious (she calls it outgoing) and could easily give a guy the wrong idea. Most of our fights occur because she almost always comes home much later then she says she will and always drinks to much (in my opinion). I believe that once she gets out and starts drinking, she simply forgets about coming home at a decent time, and instead goes along with whatever her friends want to do, which is drink more, hang out, and dance while I sit at home and wait. I admit that jealousy is also a factor here.
Last night was this month’s girl’s night out, and once again it was supposed to be just a few drinks and home by midnight. Since they head out at 7pm, midnight seems like a reasonable time to come home. True to form, last night she wasn't home at midnight. I tried to stay calm, as I did not want to ruin the weekend with yet another fight on this same subject. I was playing some poker online, drinking beer, and watching the clock. I hesitated to call her because that really pisses her off. She says she is the only one whose husband calls to "check up" on them. Honestly, I find that hard to believe, but have no proof to the contrary. At 12:30, I could not resist. I called her and she answered. I could hear music in the background. She said that they were getting ready to leave, but the bartender offered to buy them dessert, "death by chocolate", so she was going to share that, then leave. She said she'd be home shortly. 1am rolled around and she called me from the bathroom. Said they were dancing and finishing up another drink and would be leaving soon. I was pissed, but stayed calm, if not a little cold.
I've been thinking lately, and especially through the night last night, that I needed to chill out and allow her more freedom. We are both stubborn people and it just seems that I cannot win these arguments with her. I can't convince her that she should come home when she says she will, or that she sends the wrong message to other guys (like bartenders or other patrons). These fights are very frustrating and not worth ruining a weekend over. She has proven that she will not back down and until last night, I have shown the same trait.
When she walked in at almost 2am last night I was calm. Normally I would have worked myself up into a rage. I think I just gave up. As expected she was drunk as was I. I know she walked in the door prepared for a battle, just like very other night. Instead I was silent. I didn't yell and scream or ask her why she was so late. Instead we lay in bed. As I often do before we have sex, I moved down and rubbed and kissed her ass. She loves that (as do I) and I know she was not expecting that kind of treatment tonight. While I was down rubbing she talked about her night. In the past she has never discussed her nights out. I always quiz her, usually in a rage, and she just says we did nothing but hang out and talk about work. Last night was different. She told me that they danced and that someone at the bar was buying shots, and that some guy talked to them about going to another bar, and all kinds of other details. Several things she told me would normally have pissed me off, but not last night. In a way I felt defeated, like she just won our longstanding tests of wills. It was a mixed feeling. I reached down and rubbed her feet, telling her that I was sure they would be sore from all the dancing she did. It just seemed like the right thing to do. She was appreciative. I was enjoying this new, maybe temporary, role. After about 30 minutes, we went to sleep. We didn't have sex even though I was extremely aroused.
Now just a brief background. For awhile, off and on, I have been intrigued by female led relationships. I have never pursued it, as I am to stubborn, independent, and used to getting my way. It's one of those things that sounds good, but just never seemed realistic or possible for me. Last night I got to thinking that if I backed down and gave up on this ongoing battle that has been raging for over a year, maybe that would be a start in leading us down the path. It was not a plan I concocted, and I'm not sure if it is what I really wanted or not, but last night it felt like the right thing to do. Today, it still does.
She woke this morning in a good mood. She was almost smug, but happy with me. I got the sense that she knew something major happened last night. She won a major battle and I think she knows it. And more importantly, enjoyed the feeling. Today was a far cry from our normal day after "girl’s night". We had sex in the morning and had a great day today. I am intrigued by the possible shift that happened last night and am curious as to your thoughts. I am not sure how to, or if I even should, proceed. I am a bit confused and appreciate any guidance.
Unsigned
Ken responds…
I love your letter because it calls out one of the great unsung benefits of Around Her Finger marriages. Once you submit to your wife, once you acknowledge that she is in control and that your first responsibilities are to obey and serve her, you will achieve both a peace of mind and a “peace of relationship” that is worth many times more than simply getting your way on miniscule points.
My only advice is that you need to share this awareness with her, do not accept an unspoken arrangement. Either write her a personal note or have a copy of the Around Her Finger confessional CD available the next time she comes home from one of her nights out with the girls. Let her know that her new freedom is permanent and that she will not be the only one benefiting from a female led household.
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Dear Around Her Finger,
I am single and looking for a dominant woman to share my life with!
What do dominant women look for in a guy? How do I attract a dominant woman into my life? I think being honest and open to a woman about my desires will only profit me. I agree with pretty much everything you say on your site!
I look forward to hearing from you.
Yours Sincerely.
Stephen
Ken responds…
I don’t know that I have much expertise on what the best approach is to finding a dominant woman. Our site is more focused on nurturing the dominant role in women with whom submissive men already have a vanilla relationship.
There are websites that help match submissive men with dominant women, but I would suggest you date women with an eye towards compatibility independent of your submissive nature. Once you feel close to someone, then it would be appropriate to open up about this side of your personality. Her attitude towards your openness and honesty will be a good indication of your long-term viability as a couple.
Emily and I have discussed this, and we both agree with the above response. However, we are open to other opinions on this topic. If someone would like to write us with different suggestions, we would be happy to pass them along.
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Dear Ken,
I have been openly submissive to my wife for eighteen months, and it is all thanks to your website and your confessional CD. My wife and I are both huge fans of your site. In fact, she just bought your book to give to her little sister that got married in October. Stay tuned on how that plays out!
I am writing because I have a problem and a solution, but I’m not sure the solution is appropriate. I have been very busy at work, and I just have not had the time to be as good with the housecleaning as my wife would like. I am doing all I can, but I just can’t keep up. I make a very good living, and I can afford to hire a maid, but is this ok? Is it ok to have a woman in my home doing the work that I, as a submissive husband, should be doing?
Your opinion would be greatly respected by both of us.
Jeff in Arizona
Ken responds…
It would be better if you can continue to do the work, but as you say, it may not be practical. I wonder if maybe it would not be better to get someone to help with the outside yard work? Would this free up time for you to dedicate to the inside housework? I say this because I like the idea of you doing what was once regarded by society as the “wife’s work” because it reinforces your new roles. If you do hire help, you should continue to do some chores that are at least symbolically significant. For example, you can do your wife’s laundry even if your hired help is doing everything else.
As to whether is it ok that the help be a woman, I am indifferent on this. Of course it would be better if all the domestic work in your home was done by men, but even if you could find a man that does this work, would your wife feel comfortable in having him around when you were not home? Also, to avoid situations where men are served by women is virtually impossible. Can you not eat out at restaurants where you are waited on by a woman? This would start to seem silly. What you can do is to be absolutely certain that you treat the women with whom you come in contact with the respect and reverence that they deserve. This is really the more important imperative.
Dear Emily,
I was very excited to have discovered your site, and more importantly, to discover that there is a community of women that have embraced the idea that the wife is often, if not always, best suited to the role of head of household. I would like to share the story of how loving female authority (even though we did not call it that at the time) became the norm in our marriage, and how it has changed since discovering your website.
My husband and I met in our early twenties. We were both very educated and ambitious people. Our careers and our relationship competed for attention, but after several years of dating, we struck a good balance of what worked for us, and we became married. My husband’s career was actually the one that began to skyrocket, but as he became more and more successful, I noticed that he was becoming more and more attentive to me in the time that we spent together. It was clear that he was taking great pains to figure out what pleased me, and even greater pleasure in doing these things for me. He was rubbing my feet every night, offering me massages, and despite his long hours at work, doing much if not most of the housework.
While you would think that all of this would have been any woman’s dream, I was actually struggling with our relationship at this time. In fact, I think my husband’s behavior might have initially been a way to overcompensate for the fact that I was quite jealous of his success at work, and my competitive and naturally dominant nature was not comfortable with his greater degree of success. So while he was overcompensating by being particularly attentive, I was overcompensating by being particularly demanding and often critical. However, I noticed that the more demanding that I would become, the more he seemed to embrace my authority. I stopped asking him to do things and instead told him to do things. If he did not rub my feet long enough, I would tell him to get back down and finish. I started practicing orgasm [management] even before I had heard what the term meant. Very often, I would have him go down on me and then just roll over and go to bed when I had reached my climax.
All of this was happening in the absence of any real communication between us, and honestly, I do not know that this type of relationship would be sustainable in the absence of communication. So one evening, we finally had a real heart to heart about every aspect of our relationship. I conceded that I was very envious of his career success. He was now making tripled the money that I was making. We also discussed what I have just described in terms of how our behavior towards each other seemed to derive from my envy and his awareness of my envy, as if he felt guilty for being successful. But despite the fact that my becoming more dominant and him becoming more submissive was grounded in envy and miscommunication, it also turned out that we both liked it.
I told him that I felt I was well suited to the dominant role and liked having a sense of control and authority. He told me that nothing would make him happier than continuing and even accelerating this dynamic, so long as it was accompanied by the open dialogue and genuine affection for each other that had characterized our the earlier days of our marriage. So, years before I had even heard of loving female authority, we started practicing it.
I told you early in my letter that my marriage has changed since discovering your site, and I now want to tell you what I meant by that. I had always struggled with the fact that I thought I was the only woman in the world that had cemented my authority over my husband in the way that I had. I thought that we must have been a very peculiar circumstance, and that this was our thing and our thing alone. The discovery that there are many marriages like this, and that there are even many more men that seek out marriages like this was like lifting a weight off of my shoulders. Suddenly nothing felt strange to me about my relationship any longer.
As a result, I have become liberated in my thinking. Inhibitions that I have had about pushing limits with my husband are now gone. By being exposed to this site and others like it, I now have a better sense of the psychology that underlies my husband’s submission, and I am open to allowing him to express his love for me with submission in ways that I might not have in the past. Also, I am not so casual about my approach to orgasm [management]. My husband and I have now spoken openly about the role that is plays in our relationship, and I am no longer practicing it by chance, but rather by design. All in all, your site has given him and me much to talk about, and I think we understand each other better as a result.
Please keep up the good work that you do in your letters updates. It seems that most sites have difficulty in maintaining the steady stream of content over a long period of time. You are one of the few that has done it consistently, and I applaud you for it.
Sincerely,
Kim in New York
Emily responds…
Your letter serves to reinforce my belief that loving female authority is a completely natural evolution in the way that men and women relate to each other. You did not need an instruction manual to make it work in your marriage, it happened as a result of your husband’s innate need to serve you, and your innate desire to lead him.
I hope you will keep in touch. I suspect that there are aspects to your relationship that would provide great direction to others that are not so far along in their journey as are you and your husband.
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Dear Emily,
My husband and I have had an Around Her Finger marriage for about two and a half years. As with others that have written to this site, we have had times when the dynamic has been more intense than others, but overall, it has had a wonderful impact on our marriage, and any time that it starts to ebb in intensity, I have always been able to bring it back through some of the basic techniques that you have recommended on your site.
I write you now because of something unsettling that I just discovered in my husband’s history folder on the computer. It seems that he has been spending some time on websites that, while related to loving female authority, seem to be something entirely different than what you talk about on here and what we live at home.
I have not even confronted him about it, because I am not sure that I should have been snooping on his computer and how he will react to that. Do you have any suggestions on how to handle this? I am including some of the web addresses so that you can get an idea of what I am discussing.
Unsigned
Emily responds…
First and most importantly, of course you are entitled to look at his history folder. He surrenders any pretense to privacy, beyond what you might decide to allow, when you formally accept your new roles in the relationship. This is to both of your benefit, as your husband needs you control and guidance.
I have taken the liberty of going to the websites you forwarded me (I was familiar with most of them). I have put together a discussion guide using some of my own content as well as some cutting and pasting from the websites. I suggest that you have your husband prepare you a nice meal, and that you have him open a bottle of wine for the two of you. After dinner, sit somewhere comfortable and have him strip and kneel in front of you. Then, pull out my discussion guide, and point by point… start taking him through the material.
This will serve several key objectives. First and foremost, it will make him aware that you know about his web surfing. Let him also know that you will continue to monitor his web habits, and that you have in fact installed software so that you can more closely control his surfing (which is readily available online). Also, you want to understand his interest in these other topics. You want to get him to talk about these topics and not let him simply shrug off the discussion with short answers that hide his real thinking. It is your right and your duty to understand his sexuality. Then, when you feel you better understand him; you can make some decisions about how to proceed.
You may want to indulge some of the activities and make it perfectly clear that some of the others will never happen. Or, you may want to threaten that some of them may happen whether you really intend to move forward with them or not. One of the activities on the sites you sent me is a particularly powerful tool for reinforcing male submission from just a fantasy perspective, and you can use just the threat of it without ever having to act on it.
I have sent you my home phone number if you want to discuss this in more detail.
Letters from Men
Dear Emily and Ken,
The wife and two girls from her work usually go out one Friday a month. They just go to a local tavern that has a decent happy hour and draws a nice crowd. These "girl's nights" almost always lead to a big fight between us. My wife is 29, very attractive (easily the most attractive of the three) and outgoing, and I have to admit I do not like the idea of her putting herself out there like that. Although she denies it, and gets pissed when I say it, she is very flirtatious (she calls it outgoing) and could easily give a guy the wrong idea. Most of our fights occur because she almost always comes home much later then she says she will and always drinks to much (in my opinion). I believe that once she gets out and starts drinking, she simply forgets about coming home at a decent time, and instead goes along with whatever her friends want to do, which is drink more, hang out, and dance while I sit at home and wait. I admit that jealousy is also a factor here.
Last night was this month’s girl’s night out, and once again it was supposed to be just a few drinks and home by midnight. Since they head out at 7pm, midnight seems like a reasonable time to come home. True to form, last night she wasn't home at midnight. I tried to stay calm, as I did not want to ruin the weekend with yet another fight on this same subject. I was playing some poker online, drinking beer, and watching the clock. I hesitated to call her because that really pisses her off. She says she is the only one whose husband calls to "check up" on them. Honestly, I find that hard to believe, but have no proof to the contrary. At 12:30, I could not resist. I called her and she answered. I could hear music in the background. She said that they were getting ready to leave, but the bartender offered to buy them dessert, "death by chocolate", so she was going to share that, then leave. She said she'd be home shortly. 1am rolled around and she called me from the bathroom. Said they were dancing and finishing up another drink and would be leaving soon. I was pissed, but stayed calm, if not a little cold.
I've been thinking lately, and especially through the night last night, that I needed to chill out and allow her more freedom. We are both stubborn people and it just seems that I cannot win these arguments with her. I can't convince her that she should come home when she says she will, or that she sends the wrong message to other guys (like bartenders or other patrons). These fights are very frustrating and not worth ruining a weekend over. She has proven that she will not back down and until last night, I have shown the same trait.
When she walked in at almost 2am last night I was calm. Normally I would have worked myself up into a rage. I think I just gave up. As expected she was drunk as was I. I know she walked in the door prepared for a battle, just like very other night. Instead I was silent. I didn't yell and scream or ask her why she was so late. Instead we lay in bed. As I often do before we have sex, I moved down and rubbed and kissed her ass. She loves that (as do I) and I know she was not expecting that kind of treatment tonight. While I was down rubbing she talked about her night. In the past she has never discussed her nights out. I always quiz her, usually in a rage, and she just says we did nothing but hang out and talk about work. Last night was different. She told me that they danced and that someone at the bar was buying shots, and that some guy talked to them about going to another bar, and all kinds of other details. Several things she told me would normally have pissed me off, but not last night. In a way I felt defeated, like she just won our longstanding tests of wills. It was a mixed feeling. I reached down and rubbed her feet, telling her that I was sure they would be sore from all the dancing she did. It just seemed like the right thing to do. She was appreciative. I was enjoying this new, maybe temporary, role. After about 30 minutes, we went to sleep. We didn't have sex even though I was extremely aroused.
Now just a brief background. For awhile, off and on, I have been intrigued by female led relationships. I have never pursued it, as I am to stubborn, independent, and used to getting my way. It's one of those things that sounds good, but just never seemed realistic or possible for me. Last night I got to thinking that if I backed down and gave up on this ongoing battle that has been raging for over a year, maybe that would be a start in leading us down the path. It was not a plan I concocted, and I'm not sure if it is what I really wanted or not, but last night it felt like the right thing to do. Today, it still does.
She woke this morning in a good mood. She was almost smug, but happy with me. I got the sense that she knew something major happened last night. She won a major battle and I think she knows it. And more importantly, enjoyed the feeling. Today was a far cry from our normal day after "girl’s night". We had sex in the morning and had a great day today. I am intrigued by the possible shift that happened last night and am curious as to your thoughts. I am not sure how to, or if I even should, proceed. I am a bit confused and appreciate any guidance.
Unsigned
Ken responds…
I love your letter because it calls out one of the great unsung benefits of Around Her Finger marriages. Once you submit to your wife, once you acknowledge that she is in control and that your first responsibilities are to obey and serve her, you will achieve both a peace of mind and a “peace of relationship” that is worth many times more than simply getting your way on miniscule points.
My only advice is that you need to share this awareness with her, do not accept an unspoken arrangement. Either write her a personal note or have a copy of the Around Her Finger confessional CD available the next time she comes home from one of her nights out with the girls. Let her know that her new freedom is permanent and that she will not be the only one benefiting from a female led household.
-----
Dear Around Her Finger,
I am single and looking for a dominant woman to share my life with!
What do dominant women look for in a guy? How do I attract a dominant woman into my life? I think being honest and open to a woman about my desires will only profit me. I agree with pretty much everything you say on your site!
I look forward to hearing from you.
Yours Sincerely.
Stephen
Ken responds…
I don’t know that I have much expertise on what the best approach is to finding a dominant woman. Our site is more focused on nurturing the dominant role in women with whom submissive men already have a vanilla relationship.
There are websites that help match submissive men with dominant women, but I would suggest you date women with an eye towards compatibility independent of your submissive nature. Once you feel close to someone, then it would be appropriate to open up about this side of your personality. Her attitude towards your openness and honesty will be a good indication of your long-term viability as a couple.
Emily and I have discussed this, and we both agree with the above response. However, we are open to other opinions on this topic. If someone would like to write us with different suggestions, we would be happy to pass them along.
-----
Dear Ken,
I have been openly submissive to my wife for eighteen months, and it is all thanks to your website and your confessional CD. My wife and I are both huge fans of your site. In fact, she just bought your book to give to her little sister that got married in October. Stay tuned on how that plays out!
I am writing because I have a problem and a solution, but I’m not sure the solution is appropriate. I have been very busy at work, and I just have not had the time to be as good with the housecleaning as my wife would like. I am doing all I can, but I just can’t keep up. I make a very good living, and I can afford to hire a maid, but is this ok? Is it ok to have a woman in my home doing the work that I, as a submissive husband, should be doing?
Your opinion would be greatly respected by both of us.
Jeff in Arizona
Ken responds…
It would be better if you can continue to do the work, but as you say, it may not be practical. I wonder if maybe it would not be better to get someone to help with the outside yard work? Would this free up time for you to dedicate to the inside housework? I say this because I like the idea of you doing what was once regarded by society as the “wife’s work” because it reinforces your new roles. If you do hire help, you should continue to do some chores that are at least symbolically significant. For example, you can do your wife’s laundry even if your hired help is doing everything else.
As to whether is it ok that the help be a woman, I am indifferent on this. Of course it would be better if all the domestic work in your home was done by men, but even if you could find a man that does this work, would your wife feel comfortable in having him around when you were not home? Also, to avoid situations where men are served by women is virtually impossible. Can you not eat out at restaurants where you are waited on by a woman? This would start to seem silly. What you can do is to be absolutely certain that you treat the women with whom you come in contact with the respect and reverence that they deserve. This is really the more important imperative.
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