I know our updates are getting fewer and farther between. There is no excuse for our lack of activity other than our busy lives. Forgive us, but please stick with us as our mission and this website remains important to us as well as the community.
Emily
Around Her Finger, can now be found at Amazon.com. Here is the link below:
http://www.amazon.com/Around-Her-Finger-Breathing-Relationship/dp/B0025UPLB6
As always, our books and CD’s can be found at: www.lulu.com/aroundherfinger/
Lulu now offers an Ipad version of the all of our books!
Send questions, comments and success stories to Emily (dot) Addison (at) Gmail (dotcom)
Letters from Women
Dear Emily,
I am in my mid twenties, and recently married to a wonderful man. We dated in college where I would argue that the patriarchal relationship model you often reference often on your site was almost non-existent. I’m not suggesting that female-led relationships are the norm, I’m only suggesting that the college campus is an environment where there are no pre-established expectations about who should necessarily be the alpha partner in the relationship. Absent these expectations, I believe that relationships of equals or relationships where women held slightly more authority were probably more typical than male-led relationships.
Looking back, the seeds of my current female-led marriage were in place when my husband and I first met as co-eds. For the first six months of my relationship with my then boyfriend, our sexual intimacy was limited to his performing oral sex on me, but me never doing the same for him. It’s important to understand that this was not an unusual practice on my part. I had had other relationships with similar rules of intimacy, and many of my friends had the same arrangement. The men I dated generally pushed back at first, but my sense is that their resistance to the limits I imposed was more because it was expected of them to pursue intercourse, not so much that they really needed it. Once they were resigned to the boundaries I drew, I believe that this was an adequate level of intimacy for these men. I would say that for my now husband, it was more than adequate, it was preferred. He thrived on what I would now call orgasm management.
After we graduated, we both got good jobs in what still remain our careers to this day. We continued to date, and while we engaged in intercourse occasionally, it never became the most common form of sexual contact between us. We talked about it, but he either did not understand what it suggested about our relationship, or he chose not to articulate it. Either way, the dynamics in our relationship went more or less unspoken until I discovered the history files on his PC.
The sites that I discovered were much more severe than anything you would discuss on your forum. It was clear from his history file that he was sexually excited by a range of activities, some of which I found very interesting, but other of which I found very distasteful. All of these activities had one common theme, and that theme was men submitting to female authority.
I think the best decision I ever made was not to over-react, but to instead try to understand what all of this meant. Did it mean that in order for him to be sexually satisfied that I would have to participate in those activities? Absent your site and others like it, I might have lacked the insight into the root causes and best possible understanding of my husband. This was particularly true in the context of everything I already knew (and loved) about him.
When I did finally confront him about his history file, his shame was evident, but not long-lasting. I told him that I understood his desire to submit, and that I was willing to work with him to channel these feelings in a way that would be productive for both of us. This would require a new understanding between us, and a new set of rules for our relationship. We would formalize some of the behaviors that already existed, but I would also introduce new expectations, some of which I knew he would embrace, but others of which I thought he might tire over time.
I wasn’t sure how he would go for these changes after the initial newness wore off, but his enthusiasm did not dampen in that first year, and it has not dampened in the two years since we have been married.
He does most of the work around the home. I do some occasional cooking and some gardening, both of which I enjoy. He works incredibly hard to make my life wonderful and in so doing it makes both of our lives richer and more complete. He is allowed to orgasm very seldom (about once a month), and I have found that as long as he is allowed to perform oral sex on me, he remains satisfied sexually and very content in his submissive role.
I have opened up a little regarding aspects of female authority with which I was initially uncomfortable, and I find the freedom that this gives to me as a woman very liberating. The point is that I am in control of our sexual life together, and I can take it in directions that please me, and at a pace at which I am comfortable.
Our parents know nothing of our wife-led marriage, although I suspect his family considers him a bit p-whipped. His friends certainly think he is. My friends are envious, but others are curious. Perhaps one day they will discover the secret to happiness that I have discovered with my own husband.
Thanks for everything you do with your site, and I hope you return to posting soon.
Unsigned
Emily responds…
What a lovely letter. Yes, the younger generation is certainly more open to new ideas than the ones that have come before it. Perhaps a time will come when a community such as ours is no longer necessary to foster the courage and openness that you and your husband have demonstrated.
Letters from Men
Dear Emily,
After years of keeping my feelings to myself, and not really even understanding my feelings, your site has been a huge source of knowledge and confidence. I finally worked up the nerve to discuss the topic with my wife. To my great relief, she seemed to understand perfectly. However, she said she had no interest in playing a role, she had every intention of just being herself, and she did not necessarily see herself as dominant. With that said, she asked exactly how I would expect this to work? How could she remain herself yet provide me with the loving female authority that I wanted from her.
I was at a loss for an answer. Can you help me out with a suggested response? She will be reading any answer directly as I have made her aware of your site as part of our discussion.
Ben
Emily responds…
While Ken typically responds to men’s letters, I am happy to do so on this occasion given that you are really articulating the question on behalf of your wife, and she will be reading the response directly. Please consider this as I direct my response to her.
I would first say that you should absolutely not enter into this relationship with the expectation that you have to be anything other than completely yourself. There should be no “role playing” necessary, and you should not have to say or do anything that does not represent your most organic sense of who you are.
That said, and at the risk of being accused of mincing words, let me qualify the above statements. You should know from reading our site, that completely passive behavior in response to submissive gestures on your husband’s part are generally not adequate to fulfill his need to serve you. There needs to be an overt communication of your places in the marital hierarchy and a shared understanding that he is will respect your authority over him. This does not mean that you tell him every little task that you expect to be done, or that he asks you for permission for every decision in his life (unless this is what you wish, and it sounds from your husband’s letter that it is not). My husband Ken, for example, makes 99% of his own decisions. When occasions arise where we disagree, Ken is welcome and encouraged to share his opinion on the subject at hand, but ultimately, we both know that I have the final say. Also, there is no whining or continued debate after my decisions are made. I expect his enthusiastic support for whatever I might decide.
Again, I think this understanding needs to be overt. In other words, it is not enough to enter into this relationship dynamic by assuming that both sides understand it. Even if that assumption is true, it still must be explicitly stated. I believe it is best when it is spoken. Paraphrase what I have written above. Perhaps you can even write it down and read it out loud to your husband with him kneeling in front of you. Is this role playing? I don’t’ think so. It should come as a sincere expression of your expectations. Is it uncomfortable for many women? It is unquestionably so. Most women – most people – are not comfortable with firm, direct communications of this sort. However, if you understand what this means to your husband, and if you are willing to explore what this can mean for your relationship, then this brief sojourn out of your comfort zone will pay huge dividends. This does not convert you into the domineering wife you never expected to be. You will remain the same sweet, reasonable woman that I imagine you to be today. Your disagreements are not likely to turn into stern scoldings, rather the undercurrent of your authority will leave him eager to yield to your decisions. Not only will this minimize conflict between the two of you, but it will satisfy him in ways that you cannot likely yet appreciate.
You may never have to speak of your authority again in such an overt and direct manner. You may, however, find that you want to do so. A great many women end up finding that once they become accustomed to being the head of the household, they lose any inhibitions about reinforcing their position. However, even if you do not verbally repeat yourself, it is actually important that you do reinforce your initial statement with regular non-verbal reminders. This is most notably done through what we call orgasm management, which again, you are undoubtedly familiar with having already been exposed to our site.
Embrace the opportunity for a deeper level of intimacy with your husband by yielding to his loving aspiration to put your physical pleasures above his own. When your husband selflessly pleasures you, but does not climax himself, you afford him the opportunity to trade his primal desire for a brief, biological sensation for a spiritually meaningful, extended mental and emotional connection to you. This intense intimacy with you is what he really seeks. If having to play sexual traffic cop – stopping him from orgasm in the middle of sexual contact – makes you uncomfortable, then consider the many suggestions we have made to avoid this problem. The red vs. green ball system, found elsewhere in our updates page, is one of the easiest methods.
I hope I have scared you away with my suggestions. I hope my recommendations fall within the realm of what you are willing to explore and what makes you comfortable in your own skin.
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Emily,
My wife Mary and I would like to express our sincere thank you for writing the Around Her Finger book. The book had a profoundly successful impact on our marriage, and we have never been happier. Our friends have told us they have never seen a happier and more devoted couple, and wonder what happened!
We recently renewed our wedding vows as a Wife-Led Marriage, and also have a Wife-Led Marriage Agreement that details the specific components of our Wife-Led Marriage. We renewed our vows in a beautiful wedding ceremony performed by a wonderful female officiate on a beach in Florida. This was her first Wife-Led Marriage ceremony, but she told us it was the most meaningful and beautiful ceremony she had ever performed. She told us she was sure she would be performing more as word spread on the tremendous merits of Wife-Led Marriages.
We are both well educated, successful professionals, and would be considered politically conservative. I am the president of a manufacturing company and my wife is a high powered executive in the health care field. We have five children, four of whom are grown and on their own. In our marriage, Mary is clearly the head or our household and dominant partner. She is the final authority on all matters, including financial issues. Our WLM agreement states that Mary is a loving, sensuous, teasing, but VERY FIRM "in-charge" wife. Our agreement also clearly articulates that I am the submissive partner in our marriage and am expected to do the majority of the household chores, obey my wife, serve my wife and make her life as stress-free and pleasant as possible. I would highly recommend other couples consider writing a WLM agreement together as it helps solidify the uniqueness of their particular WLM. In addition, developing it together over a couple of weeks served as a great catalyst for us to communicate openly what each of us needed and expected from each other and our WLM.
We would be happy to share the details of our WLM agreement if you would be interested in reading it.
Sincerely,
Unsigned in Florida
Ken responds…
By all means, please share the agreement. I’d love to post it for our readers to review.
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Dear Emily,
I wanted to say "thank you" for what your web site and book has meant to our marriage. My wife and I have been married for thirty-three years. We have raised two wonderful daughters who are both out of the house now.
For the most part the first thirty-two years of our marriage were filled with heartache and strife. Because of our strong Christian beliefs we have been committed to staying together and trying to make things work out. Seven months ago I stumbled upon your web site and I immediately started thinking that this could be the answer I've been looking for. I showed it to my wife and she wasn't too sure about it.
I began to do the things that you suggested. To begin with my wife was still somewhat skeptical. However, as we got started, our marriage immediately began to improve dramatically. It is seven months later and it gets better every day. It's better than it's ever been and we are both happier than we've ever been. I never knew I could love my wife so much. We are so close now and so intimate that it's hard to believe. We love to be with each other now where as before we were at odds most of the time. Thanks again for your web site and book and please keep sharing your life changing message.
Thank you and God Bless!
Unsigned
Ken responds…
So many underestimate the benefits of what this can do for a stale relationship. Thank you for reminding us of the benefits of taking these positive steps forward.
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Dear Ken and Emily,
I want a wife-led relationship with all of my heart. However, each time I want to broach the topic with my wife, I become afraid and clam up. Fear of the unknown and needless shame are behind my procrastination, but I can’t seem to shake this fear of the unknown and what her response might be.
It’s terrible for anyone to feel this way when all they want to do is give themselves to the one they love in the way that best fulfills their emotional and physical needs.
Morris
Ken responds…
I could not agree with you more. What’s the worst that could happen? She may reject the concept because she does not understand it, but she will not reject you for breaching the topic.
Take the bold steps to a better relationship now.
------
Around Her Finger, can now be found at Amazon.com. Here is the link below:
http://www.amazon.com/Around-Her-Finger-Breathing-Relationship/dp/B0025UPLB6
As always, our books and CD’s can be found at: www.lulu.com/aroundherfinger/
Lulu now offers an Ipad version of the all of our books!
Send questions, comments and success stories to Emily (dot) Addison (at) Gmail (dotcom)
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