January 2009

Welcome to the January Updates

I hope everyone enjoyed the holidays... although the season is not quite over as I post this. We wanted to get these up as Ken and I are off to go skiing, and we did not want to be late posting again this month. Enjoy the letters, and remember, we do all of this so that you can build courage to communicate and better relationships with the one you love.

Happy New Year,

Emily

As always, our books and CD’s can be found at www.lulu.com/aroundherfinger/

Send questions, comments and success stories to Emily (dot) Addison (at) Gmail (dotcom)

Letters from Women

Emily and Ken,

My husband and I are avid readers of your blog and appreciate your insights. Here is our story…

My husband and I have been together for 24+ years in total. Married for nearly 19 years. Even in the early days of our relationship there were signs of my dominate nature and his submissive nature. We explored some light role playing early on, but just a few times and only in the bedroom. Spicing up our sex life was how I looked at it. He may have seen it as more. In fact, looking back there were many signs that he was reaching out to me giving me hints of his desire to be submissive to me.

About four years ago he tried to communicate his feelings to me. He did a good job. But, what he said and how day to day life was lived were two different things. He struggled with and internalized his true feelings. I did the worst thing I could do, I didn't talk about it, unless he brought it up. I blew it off as him wanting a fairly typical male bedroom fantasy. This behavior from both of us, along with other circumstances, led our relationship into a very dark and troubling time. I doubted him. He doubted me. We closed each other off and we stopped communicating entirely. All of this led to a physical separation that lasted for thirteen long months. However, the emotional separation preceded the physical separation by about a year. It was truly a devastating time for both of us. Even after reconciling, and after having long conversations about his submissive nature and my dominating nature, we still we weren't fully connected until about six months after we reunited.

It wasn't until my husband actually started walking the walk and not just talking the talk did I take his submissiveness seriously. He started doing the housework, running the errands, all the things I had done for the past 24 years. He came to me one day and requested I own the finances, without any unsolicited input from me. This was a huge step. I knew if he was willing to give up access to the money, and let me make all the fiscal decisions of the household he was serious.

We are only three months into a full fledged FLR relationship, and it's gone well thus far. The key is WE COMMUNICATE DAILY about it. He has taken on all household chores. I'm attentive to his submissive needs, and not just in the bedroom. That is only a part of our relationship. I manage his orgasms. I can get him excited by a simple text, or comment in public or in private. I'm learning more and more each day, and more importantly BELIEVING more and more each day that he is happiest when he is taking care of my needs, be they physical or emotional.

He loves starting his day making my coffee and delivering it to me in bed. He loves ending his day naked and curled up to me looking for the warmth my body provides him. He gives me space when I need it; he gives me attention when I need it. He does this FOR ME. He has given up his selfish male ego, he puts my needs and desires above his own. He serves me well. And I've never seen him more at peace and more happy than what he is today. We work well together. Everything comes from a place of love. Even when I deny him orgasm release, he feels loved (maybe this is when he feels the most loved). We communicate openly and honestly. I am the decision maker. When I want his input, and I still do want his input on things relating to our kids, and our household, he gives his input, but he leaves the final word to me. He accepts it and we move forth in that spirit. I quite like that.

I do use discipline beyond just the orgasm management. My husband fears more the punishment of sleeping away from me, getting no attention from me, etc. than he fears anything else. That's an easy punishment as I see it. (Though I know many would disagree with me, and that's fine, it's what works for each couple, there is not a one size fits all approach to FLR.)

We both look forward to further exploring all the possibilities of a FLR. We are proceeding at a pace and a comfort level that works for me. Whatever we do it has to feel natural and compliment my already dominant personality. If it feels manufactured, it doesn't work for me. I'm always open to suggestions on ways to make him feel his most submissive to give him the most satisfaction in life. However, I decide what does and doesn't work for me, and he happily accepts that.

This is just one experience but I think it is shared among many couples that are in early stages of a FLR. I can only say for my husband and I the everyday changes we have made to our life, both in and out of the bedroom, have made us closer, more in love, and have bonded us in a way we've never bonded before. To all couples that are new to an FLR, I wish you as much success as me and my hubby have had the past three months!

Signed… “L”

Emily responds…

What a well detailed account of your evolution to a successful female-led relationship. You make no bones about the absolute nature of your control. You make the decisions, you draw the boundaries, and you remain in complete control. This is how it should be. It is the willingness to step up and seize the head of the household role that makes your marriage work better, your communication more open, and your passions more intense.

Your comment about going beyond orgasm management, and restraining your affections as a means of punishing poor behavior is a good one. The fact that this serves as punishment is evidence that you are doing everything right. How else, one would wonder, could withholding your affection have any meaningful impact unless he valued it as he does?

-----

Dear Emily,

I have always loved my husband, ever since the first day I met him. He’s the perfect man. He is a gentleman, he is a great provider, he is honest, open, a good listener, a wonderful lover and my best friend. I had the perfect life and did not want anything to change. When he gave me your book the day after Christmas, more accurately after I had read most of it, I thought it must be some sort of joke. I could not imagine that my husband could possibly have been keeping a secret like this from me. We are a very sexually adventurous couple, so kinky behavior in the bedroom is nothing new to our relationship. Interest in that sort of activity, however, was the only clue I had to his submission. However, I do now understand that this is much, much more than that.

I have now read the entire book, all of your website, and many of the letters on your blog, and most of [another website]. At my request, he has left me alone to spend some time adjusting to this new revelation from him. I have told him that on New Year’s Eve, I will let him know how I want to proceed with all of this. I write you now in advance of New Year’s in the hopes that you will get this email and tell me what you think of my plans.

The two of us had already planned on going to dinner and have a reservation at a local restaurant with another couple. We will leave early, and the two of us should arrive home (alone) around eleven. Upon returning home, I plan on putting on a leather outfit that he had (not ironically) bought me a few Halloweens back. I plan on stripping him, blindfolding him, and having him kneel on the floor in our bedroom until I am ready to approach him.

After reading your site, and [other sites], I want him to experience his surrender to my authority in some way more intense that what you typically suggest. I want to begin by taking the blindfold off and having him bow down and kiss my feet. I want him to kiss his way up my legs. I want his lips on my [bottom], I want to [assure his chastity] for no less than a full month. I want to reinforce my new role as the alpha spouse by [experimenting with something not mentioned on your site].

I write because I know this is taking it much further than you advocate. Others, however, have suggested that the more intense I make this first night, the better start we will have to our new relationship. As I said, we are a very sexually adventurous couple, so I am comfortable with all of this.

If it isn’t obvious by now, I really want to give this gift to my husband. His opening up to me about this represents a great treasure to me, and I want to honor that gift. I just want to make sure I do it right.

What do you think?

Unsigned

Emily responds…

I think the things you mention in your letter are completely appropriate to introduce into your relationshiop, but I am not so certain that you should do so all at once. One month of his enforced chastity will be a wonderful experience for both of you. Initiating this at the onset is perfect. I have mentioned before that bottom kissing is something most women learn to treasure, and for many submissive men it triggers deep a deep sense of their place in the relationship. Again, this is a perfect activity to accompany the conversation where you formalize your roles.

I would not, however, say the same for the other activity that you mention. (Forgive me, readers; you will have to use your imagination as it is beyond the scope of what we consider appropriate material for this site.) If this is something you think you will enjoy, then I would encourage you to try it at some point down the road. Is this particular activity ideal for the first night of your new relationship? I will leave that up to you, but for me, it is not.

[Note that a more detailed letter was sent, and a more complete response has already been returned directly to the author.]

-----

Letters from Men

Emily and Ken,

What a wonderful site!

I wish I had found it earlier as my submissive tendencies have increased the last 5-7 years. I'm a 53 year old male in Ohio who has been happily married for 27 years. I'm lucky in that I have submissive tendencies and my wife is naturally "bossy". I'm living a secret submissive life that seems to work for both of us. However, after reading your site and blogs, I realize there could be much more satisfaction for both of us. Kathy comes from a very traditional background and I'm not sure she really realizes how "bossy" she is. She is very organized so there are lists galore. We never argue because even after discussion, I will always accede to what she wants and as you know, that is what I want. I'm so happy to find a website with which I can identify.

I will order your book and read it and hope to present it to Kathy around Valentines Day. There is too much emotionally going on with the holidays and our family members to give it the proper attention.

I'm very nervous about her rejecting the concept but know that if that is the case, I'll do what I can to make her life better. I love her so much and now that are children are grown, it will be easier to make Kathy my primary focus of love and affection one way or the other.

Whatever happens, I'll let you know - once again, thank you for the time and effort you put into this site.

Unsigned,

Ken responds…

You can give the book with the confidence of knowing that an emotionally mature, loving wife will almost always recognize her husband’s willingness to open up about his submission as a gesture of the respect, love and trust that he affords her.

I can tell from your letter that you are an excellent communicator. You may consider including a heartfelt, and very candid letter when you hand her the book. Make sure she understands that you give this gift to her with an open and honest heart, and that she is sensitive to the emotional risk that accompanies the disclosure.

-----

Dear Emily & Ken

Firstly I want to thank you for your wonderful web site which has been so helpful and informative for me.

I am yet another man who had been married for nearly thirteen years before finally plucking up the courage to leave your web site open for my wife to see. It all went a bit wrong in that I left a message down stairs directing her to the computer where the site was open. But somehow she managed to close the browser without seeing the site. She then phoned me while I was on my way to work.

Directing her over the phone to your site was the most exiting thing I have ever done. She expressed some excitement of her own at the name of the site and your introduction heading “A man is Happiest …..” and my hopes rocketed.

When I came home we had a very awkward chat, which left things in the air somewhat (I so wish I had your book then) but I sort of carried on with some stealth-like submission in hopes it would be considered a trial period. Three days later, she asked me for a massage and I braved a “does this mean were in a Wife Led Marriage now?” and she simply said “yes”, after which we formalized her control.

From there things have been going fantastically. She grows more confident by the day and I feel elated 24/7. We are so close now. It’s like when we first met all over again. I can tell already we will never go back to how we used to be (we are three months in now). The only difficulties are with some of the finer points like “Orgasm Management” but your book will sort that out I’m sure.

Once again many, many thanks for transforming my life for the better. She so deserves my complete devotion if only to make up for the last five years!

Steve - UK

Ken responds…

Steve, it sounds like you are off to a wonderful beginning. The hard part will be the next three months, when the novelty of submission will begin to wear away, but the necessity of steady and consistent obedience remains in place. This will require self-discipline and constant communication on your part, but I know you are up for the task.

-----

Dear Ken and Emily,

My wife and I are building a female-led relationship that wouldn't be possible without you. Thank you very much for this.

My wife told me to arrange a beach vacation for February or March and I was thinking that a place where women are in charge and men serve them would be nice. My wife doesn't like the leather, paddles, whips or extreme stuff, but maybe there is a place where I can pamper her in an environment where women are treated the way they deserve, where I can pamper her and she can feel comfortable showing that she is the head of the household (she is reluctant to show this in public, even when we don't know anybody). Do you know if there is such a place?

Unsigned

Ken responds…

Oh, how I wish I did! I am not really sure I know of a place where women are in charge, but I do know that if you are out of town and in the company of strangers, this offers an opportunity for her to be more dominant in public with you. Depending on how far she wants to take it, this can be a tremendous growth opportunity for both of you.

Also… if any readers know of a place where women are openly in charge, be sure to email us and let us know!

-----

Our books and CD’s can be found at www.lulu.com/aroundherfinger/