Welcome to the July Updates

Letters from Women

I'm 48 and my husband is 51, and we've been married for over twenty-four years. For years he was very controlling and wanted to be in charge, but gradually he changed and became more and more attentive to me. Little by little he took on more chores and listened to my opinions, eventually letting me make more and more decisions about various things. I used to nag a lot, but as he changed so did I. I all but stopped nagging, but on the other hand I seldom asked him to anything he didn't volunteer to do.

Several months ago, he came home with Around Her Finger and gave it to me. He told me he had read it and thought that following its advice would be very good for our relationship. When I read it my first reaction was that we already had a relationship much like what the book described and no changes were needed. After finishing the book, however, I realized that a big change was needed, not for my sake, but for his.

For starters, we had a conversation, and we formally agreed that I am now the head of the household. We agreed that he can give me his opinions and can even tell me when he disagrees with my decisions, but he also knows that my decisions are final and he must comply with them. Actually doing this was very difficult for me at first because my natural inclination was to defer to him, but over time I got used to it and I now feel it's working very well. I now make all the important decisions, regardless of how it affects my husband or how much money is involved. I give him tasks and he does everything I ask him to do. I can tell he is happy with this arrangement and so am I. I get a lot of benefits and I don’t feel guilty because he actually wants it to be this way.

One thing I don't like is denying him orgasms, so I do it only once in a while, when he slacks or his attitude towards me becomes less respectful than we agreed it should be. Sometimes I do it just to keep him on edge - funny as it may sound, he hates it and loves it at the same time. This I do mostly for him, because quite honestly I miss out as well when I deprive him.

Feeling more empowered has also made me feel more comfortable about dressing a little differently. I changed the way I dress to shorter skirts and lower-cut tops, especially when I go out with him. I have noticed that he seems to be a little more attentive to me – a little more submissive than normal - when he finds other men admiring me. At the beginning it made me uncomfortable, but I don't mind anymore.

I just wanted to share our story with you. I think the book's advice is very useful, maybe not for every couple, but certainly for some like us. We are definitely a happier couple and not bored at all after so many years of marriage.

Deborah (New York City)

Emily responds…

Congratulations on the success of your marriage, female-led and otherwise. I found your comments on thinking that you already were leading a relationship like this very interesting. You were very wise to note that the missing component was the open acknowledgement of your roles in the relationship.

If there are certain components of the relationship dynamic that you only want to use sparingly, this is just fine and in fact perfect for the two of you. Orgasm management is difficult to get right, and your sparing application of it seems to be at equilibrium with your mutual love/hate relationship with the practice.

As to your comment on his submission peaking following your new style of dress and increased attention from other men, I would say that this is incredibly typical. Attention from other men is demonstrable evidence of your sexual empowerment and often a trigger for deeply submissive thoughts.

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Dear Emily,

Brian and I have been married for almost six years. On our fifth anniversary he gave me a copy of Around Her Finger and asked me to take control of him and of the home. I was surprised that he would ask, but after reading the book, I decided to try it. We have been in a female-dominated marriage since then, and I love it! Brian does a lot around the house and never complains. In fact he seems to be always eager for more. As a rule, he always satisfies me in bed first, before I decide if I will allow him to get his release. Sometimes I tell him to kneel down while he does it and I really enjoy the feeling of power. It enhances my pleasure and lately I've been asking him to do it more often.

For our sixth anniversary, which is coming soon, I'm planning to tell him that I want to increase my control over him and that from now on he will have to ask for my permission to go out or to spend any money at all. I also plan to tell him that from then on he must always be on his knees when pleasuring me without my having to ask. Do you think this will work or am I risking it by going too far too quickly? I don't want to lose what I already have but if I can get more, I want it. Please give me your advice soon before our anniversary in mid-July.

Brenda in Florida

Emily responds…

If you enjoy having him on his knees when pleasing you, then by all means insist on it. I do not doubt for a moment that he will enjoy this as well, and I dare say you could go quite a bit further than that. I think the same is true for taking control of his going out or spending money. He will thank you for this as he knows you are a better judge of how to spend his time and money than he is. You will make decisions that are in your mutual best interest, and he knows this.

Congratulations on the ongoing success of your relationship.

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Dear Emily,

My husband dropped the bomb on me about one month ago. I think I have accepted most of the concepts willingly except I told him several times NO physical type punishment. I just don't get it, and it is a turn off for me. He still sends me emails with info on it as if he's trying to convince me it's okay. What do I do to get him to leave me alone about it before I up and say forget about everything? I'm tired of him making me feel guilty because he is deprived.

Other than this issue, everything is working out beautifully. I feel comfortable writing to you because any other site I've seen on this subject lumps a lot of behaviors together and your site leaves that to the individuals.

Thank you.

Unsigned

Emily responds…

Physical “punishment” is not something we discuss on our site or in any of our books or CD’s. We believe that an open and ongoing acknowledgement of the wife’s authority combined with orgasm management are the fundamentals of a successful female-led relationship. Any other bells and whistles that a husband might request are entirely up to the wife’s discretion. You are entitled to consider his requests and then accept or dismiss them as you see fit. You are the head of household, you make the rules, and you set the guidelines… period, end of story. Get him stripped and kneeling in front of you tonight. In this humbled position, remind him of this fact and that you will not entertain any more discussion on the topic.

As a final note, it seems to me that given your husband’s repeated requests, that this “punishment” would be no punishment at all. If he really requires discipline beyond orgasm management, take away privileges. Do not allow him to watch his favorite television shows, go golfing with the boys, etc. Make sure that you are giving him the discipline with the end of making him a better husband and the relationship work better. It should not merely be to play into a fantasy role that he has imagined for you.

Letters from Men

Dear Ken,

At the beginning of this year, I gave my wife your book and CD. She ignored it for two months before I finally got up the nerve to ask her about it. She told me then that she was not interested. I felt defeated but not entirely rejected. I still had a beautiful wife and a great relationship; I just didn’t have the whole loving female authority thing coming together like I would have liked.

Well, last week was our anniversary. She surprised me when I got home from work by leaving me a note. It said to take off all of my clothes and come into the bedroom. She was waiting for me in a chair, and she was reading your book! She had me kneel in front of her, and she gave me what I really wanted for my anniversary which was a whole new outlook on our relationship. She made it very clear who would be in charge in the house going forward, and she also set the ground rules for how everything would work. There was a great deal of intimacy that followed, and it represented the first time ever that I had my orgasms “managed”. Wow, you are not kidding when you say it has a powerful impact on men’s mental state. I felt like I was on cloud nine, and I stayed up most of the night watching my beautiful wife as she slept.

Interestingly, she told me that once she realized I didn’t have to have LFA to be happy, it was much easier to embrace the concept. The quality of our relationship in the time between sharing the idea and her coming around to it really made the difference for her. She wanted to be loved for her own sake and not for playing a role that any woman could have filled.

Thanks from both me and my wife,

Terry in Pennsylvania

Ken responds…

This is an encouraging letter to any man who had come forward to his wife with his feelings but has not yet had her accept our concepts. Time is on your side, and Terry’s comments give us an interesting insight into why a waiting period might be necessary for many women.

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Dear Ken,

My wife and I have been active in an Around Her Finger-style relationship for the last two of our fifteen years of marriage. It began when I bought her your book and showed her your site. I would say that it worked very well at first, but then tailed off in terms of effectiveness as it was difficult to maintain the intensity of the submissive feeling over time. That is, anyway, until she really started experimenting more with the concept or orgasm management.

I think sometimes on your site you over-simplify the subtle ways with which a wife can practice orgasm management by reducing what really is a fine art to just basic metrics. For example, you talk some about the number of orgasms per week/month or percentage of times a husband is allowed release, etc. In our experience, what we have found to be most important is the level of intimacy combined with how close she can bring me to climax before pulling back. I’ll explain, and I hope this doesn’t go further than you like to get in terms of detail on your site.

My wife has a number of techniques for bringing me close to orgasm, but then not permitting it to continue all the way. Very often, but not always, she will begin by having me perform oral sex on her or bring her to orgasm through the use of a vibrating toy of some sort. Then, after she has experienced an orgasm she will allow me to have sex with her. Sometimes she will be on top, sometimes I will be on top, but always there is an understanding that I am to let her know when I am getting close. Then she will slow down and try to bring me as close as possible to orgasm while whispering to me something that reinforces her control over me. For example, she may tell me what she wants done the next day or maybe she’ll just tell me how much she loves the way that she is in control and I obey her. Then, when I am getting even closer, she has me pull out. Afterwards, she’ll have me rub and kiss her feet while we just talk and share our thoughts, and not just about sex, but about anything. We both find that this is an excellent way to make use of all of the emotional energy that comes from bringing me to the brink of orgasm and then stopping me.

On the rare occasion that she pushes it too far and I actually have an orgasm, she will then have me go down on her afterwards. Although some readers may find this a little odd, I know that she finds it incredibly intimate, and oddly enough I do as well. (I realize this may be too much for your site).

So I don’t write this letter to be critical, I just think there are additional dimensions to orgasm management that I think you and your readers should consider. They have certainly worked wonders for helping us take our relationship to the next level.

Unsigned

Emily responds…

While I usually let Ken respond to the letters from men, I wanted to personally respond to your letter. Your wife is a brilliant practitioner of LFA, and you are lucky to have her. Also, I am a fan of her suggestion of having you go down on her after your climax. I often have Ken do this for me, and I agree with your wife that it is incredibly intimate.

Interestingly, Ken says that he is turned on by the idea of doing this up to and until the moment at which he orgasms, then he loses interest. To me this is precisely the reason for making him do this. Women must remind their husbands that even after a climax, after their male hormone-charged brains have returned to normal, they are still expected to obey. Even though the sexual enthusiasm for intimacy is gone, the dynamic of loving female authority and the expectation of his obedience remains as strong as ever.

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Our books and CD’s can be found at www.lulu.com/aroundherfinger/

Welcome to the May/June Updates

Welcome (back) to the updates.

I apologize to all of our loyal readers for the delay in this update. I am sure that many of you are aware that last month was the first month in the history of our site that we were not able to publish an update. Ken and I have been struggling with a personal issue, but rest assured that we are still committed to the site. We do appreciate all the kind emails of concern, and we regret that we could not even answer all of these.

As always, our books and CD’s can be found at www.lulu.com/aroundherfinger/Send questions, comments and success stories to Emily (dot) Addison (at) Gmail (dotcom)

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Letters from Women

Dear Emily,

For the last ten years I have worked as a professional dominatrix. I was initially attracted to the work purely for financial reasons, but I stuck with it because it became an incredible education on the human male mind, and I have been continually fascinated by what I have learned from my clients. I have now decided, however, to end my career and instead pursue a more mainstream existence with a boyfriend who recently proposed to me. Your website was a great influence on my decision, and will be a great influence on our marriage as well.

It probably comes as no surprise to you that most of my clients were married men. In recent years, and since discovering your site, I have always asked them why they did not just open up to their wives about their submission. Invariably they complained that “their wives would never understand” or “they are way too conservative” to consider anything like what they would do with me. Actually, the second comment might be true. The men that come to me typically request fantasy scenarios that probably go way beyond what a woman in a true female-led household would want to explore. However, in requesting these activities, I feel that they are trying to make up for something that is lacking in their lives. They would not want [these various types of intense activities] if they had true loving female authority at home. Several of my clients have told me so much.

I also disagree with their opinion that most of their wives would not understand. Of course I do not know these women, but I do know women in general. The women I know are appreciative of open, honest dialogue with the men in their lives. I would think that it is possible that they might have an initial negative reaction driven by surprise, but after considering the situation, especially with the help of websites like your own, I think most any woman would open to it.

One of my clients had been coming to me for about four years when I finally asked him why he never approached his wife about his submission. We discussed his version of the above two complaints at length. I told him about your site, and I asked him to check it out and email me his thoughts. To make a long story short, this ongoing dialogue with this man and his personal success in his own marriage represented the beginning of the end of my professional career. He ultimately shared his secrets with his wife, and she embraced a dominant role in the relationship. I saw this work for him and decided it was what I wanted as well.

The man I was dating at the time obviously knew that I was a dominatrix. He did not, however, express any interest in submitting to me. But when I took the initiative to show him your website, to my surprise, he indicated that it really appealed to him. He had zero interest in what he considered to be the phony sort of role playing that I do with my clients, but he also confessed that knowing I was capable of playing the dominant role was one of the things that attracted me to him. When I showed him an alternative approach it turned out that it was something that suited both of us.

Given my background, I would understand if you did not want to publish my letter, but I do hope that you will consider it. Genuine loving female authority is a far better alternative for a submissive man than trying to fill that void with secret escapades outside the marriage. I honestly believe that for most men this better option is within reach.

Take care,

K. in California

Emily responds…

I’ll certainly publish this letter. I think that our website might often give the false impression that the alternative to open and honest dialogue between spouses is simply not to act at all. I am afraid that the truth is that for many men the alternative is potentially self-destructive behavior in the form of internet pornography and escapades in the industry from which you are choosing to retire.

The sooner that men recognize the fact that the only true path to fulfilling their submission is in a loving relationship, the sooner they will find happiness. I agree with your assessment that most women would be more open to it than their husbands anticipate, and I wish more men would embrace that reality.

Best of luck to you in your upcoming marriage!

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Dear Emily,

I have a hard time believing that in 2008 there are women who would be closed to the idea of Loving Female Authority as a viable approach to a healthy relationship. I am not necessarily saying that it is right for everyone, but I do believe that it is right for most people, and I know it is certainly right for me and my husband. I believe many women could benefit from it if they only opened their minds.

What do you think the real motivation behind a woman’s reluctance might be? I have my own theories, but would love to hear your own.

Beth in Tennessee

Emily responds…

First, I wish you had shared your theories. The more input and opinion we can get, the better. But that said, I will certainly offer my own.

I think most women are unfamiliar with the concept of male submission. They underestimate how common it is, how intense an impulse it is in their mates, and how perfectly rational it is when they consider it on its own merits and not through the eyes of how society would perceive it. Also, without experiencing the very high level of emotional intimacy which it can create in a relationship, they underestimate what benefits it can provide.

All that said, most women do eventually open up to the idea, and with few exceptions, it is a blissful decision on their part.

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Letters from Men

Dear Emily,

We may be one of your few respondents from Norway. My wife and I have read, discussed and decided to go for your proposed concepts for changing the relationship after having read your book. We are both very exited - and find your advice very much resonating in both of us. We both would like to try out the "female head of household" concept - as two HOH’s in a home is one too many, and I think my wife is the better manager. Serving her and taking on much more of the domestic chores are only fair, and if I can be wrapped around her finger - that is all the better.

In your book there are a few passages mentioning "taking the relationship to the next level". Could you be a little more specific on that one - do you have any literature proposal or any clues as to what that might be? Yours sincerely,

T. in Norway

Ken responds…

We are often asked about this. The virtue of our site is that it remains an easy on-ramp for women learning about loving female authority for the first time. The downfall is that there are many topics of interest to some of our readers that just do not fit into that stated mission and purpose.

I suggest you explore the internet to see the full range of submissive expression and choose only those activities that seem appropriate to you. For most of our readers, the simple mutual acknowledgement of the husband and wife’s respective roles, with appropriate overt reminders and conscious orgasm management, seems to be enough to sustain happiness.

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Dear Emily and Ken,

A little more than a year ago I discovered your site and convinced myself that the relationship you advocate might be beneficial to our marriage. I also believed that your approach was something my wife might accept. As I wrote in a letter posted last May, I work hard to pamper my wife and show her how much I adore her. It would take some space to list the things I do routinely, just to make her life easier and to provide her with free time to pursue her interests (fitness and reading). And, honestly, I love it. And she has grown as a person. She now takes for granted that I'll do these things, and has become comfortable accepting the service I provide. This makes me very happy. But, of course we all know something is missing.

I need her open acknowledgment of her position in our marriage. On that front, I've made no progress whatsoever. Last year, in response to my letter, you suggested that I should give her your book and direct her to your website. Although I knew that this would be best, it took another 8 or 9 months to work up the courage to finally do so. Finally, I surprised myself one morning by telling her about your site and about your book. It just all came out during an easy Sunday morning conversation in bed. I hadn't planned it. I told her that I wanted her to read the book and give some serious thought to all of it. She agreed, and offered me a lot of encouragement about being so open and honest with her.

That conversation went so well, I was floating on air for days. A few days later, I finally did give it to her, accompanied with a letter explaining my feelings, and emphasizing that this was much more than a purely sexual need. I asked her to take her time, read the book, visit the site repeatedly and read the posted correspondence. I wanted her to have time to digest these ideas at her own speed, without my pressuring her. I was surprised by how relaxed and right I felt about sharing all of this with her. That was 10 weeks ago. When I gave her the book, she never acknowledged it, and she hasn't mentioned it or your site once in the time since. I haven't mentioned it to her because I promised I wouldn't bother her. However, after 10 weeks I'm growing impatient and, to be honest, a bit resentful that something obviously so important to me doesn't rank some effort on her part to overcome her natural reluctance to discuss it with me.

I'm confident that if I force the discussion, I won't like the outcome. On the other hand, she's so reserved about anything remotely sexual in nature, that I worry she may never bring herself to discuss the matter with me. I guess the former situation is better than the later, because at least some closure is reached, even if the outcome isn't as I might have liked. I should note that during these weeks, our relationship has been great. I don't detect any negativity on her part in this direction - just an indifference or lack of acknowledgment. Maybe she's burying her head in the sand, so to speak. In the meantime, I continue to enjoy pampering her.

So, have you known of women so reticent to discuss this topic with their husband? Am I wrong to expect my wife to talk with me about this, just because it's important to me? Should I just continue to wait? Should I gently remind her of the book while assuring her that we can talk when she's ready?

Thanks for your great resource.

Unsigned in Ohio

Ken responds…

I enjoyed reading your recent letter as I did your first. You are clearly a thoughtful man, in love with your wife, and committed to the successful development of your relationship.

I would say that your wife’s delayed response is not unusual. As you say, this is not an easy subject to discuss for most women, and I am certain that her lack of dialogue on the topic does not suggest a lack of deep thought. I recommend a slightly different approach. Because she may feel more comfortable expressing herself in writing than in dialogue, I suggest you write her a thoughtful email sharing many of the same sentiments you shared with me. Perhaps you can even include this email in the one you send her. This allows her to be reminded of how important this is to you, yet it gives her the space to choose her words carefully and plot an approach to moving forward.

In this email I suggest that you be very clear about what you want from her. If you want to begin with a two week trial period, then be specific in your email. Describe actual activities and behaviors that you would like her to employ during those two weeks. Tell her you expect that she will manage your orgasms and that an open and straightforward expression of her authority on her part is crucial to the success of the trial period. Whatever you do, do not beat around the bush. This is your opportunity to really ask for her to take the first steps. If she does or does not is her prerogative, as will be everything from here on out, but you have the responsibility to make your desires crystal clear. Help pull her out of her shell.

You have a perfect opportunity. Please let us know how it goes.

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Dear Emily,

I am involved in a wife-led marriage after nervously giving my wife your book about two years ago. And as with any "new" relationship, we have had our ups and downs. Last night my wife asked me if I wanted to orgasm. She didn't ask me as a test or to get into my head. I know this because when I requested that she not "ask" me, she said that she doesn't want to be bossy or bitchy. We discussed this and I tried to explain that I certainly don't see her that way. I told her that it is her prerogatives to determine when and if I am allowed to orgasm and that she should have some "fun" with it and be playful. Despite my reassurances I'm still concerned that she'll struggle with this aspect of a WLM.

Can you please respond with some words of wisdom? Thanks for you help.Sincerely,

Unsigned

Ken responds…

Go back and explain to her the value of orgasm management and why her control of it is so important to making this dynamic work for both of you. Women consistently underestimate the impact that withholding a man’s orgasm has on brain chemistry. Explain that it is not a burden for you to have her in control, but a joy. As with the above response, consider sending her an email which often provides for a more relaxed means of communication for difficult topics.

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Dear Emily,

I recently discovered your excellent website dedicated to female-led relationships. I found it fascinating and most informative. For quite a number of years now I have been interested in living within a female dominated home environment. Although happily married, in a very good relationship, I would feel much happier if I was openly submissive to my wife.

I am lucky in being married to a very dominant woman who is highly educated and very successful in her professional life. My wife has always made most of the decisions of importance in our relationship. She is a natural leader whereas my natural inclinations are in the direction of doing as I am told. I am trying to work up the courage to explain fully to my wife exactly how I feel and to draw her attention to your site. I intend to purchase your CD and book and thought that this would be the way to go.

Her control over me at the moment is based largely on the strength of her personality and character. She does, however, exert pretty firm control. To give you an example of this, we recently accepted an invitation to a friend’s dinner party, I don’t normally go to dinner parties but on this occasion my wife said that I should go. Five people turned up, all women, plus the host, Kath. The party went very well, but I had two or three glasses of wine. I am not used to drinking and due to this accidentally made a very rude remark to my wife in full hearing of everyone. My wife was most upset and there was a very embarrassing silence for several minutes. I managed to smooth things over but driving back in the car it was obvious that my wife was very cross. She admonished me very severely and told me that under no circumstances was that ever to happen again. I agreed that it would not. Then my wife added that I was going to apologize to Kath. She said something like, “you will apologize in person in full view of her and not on the phone.” A few days later I was taken round to the house and made to give a very full apology to Kath. . I was told exactly what to say by my wife. I have to say I think I deserved everything I got and I learnt my lesson.

Since the above incident relations have improved. My wife is very busy with her work and because of this I have taken over most of the household chores. I am cooking all the meals from Monday to Friday, with my wife taking over for the weekend. I am also doing, vacuuming, cleaning, laundry, bed making and ironing. I am learning as I go along and am getting better at all my tasks. Obviously it would be great if my wife was familiar with your website and I am hoping that once this is so, she will have even a greater level of comfort with exerting her authority. Some of the methods of control really appeal to me. I would very much like her to take over control of my orgasms, in the way you have suggested and I would like to be made to abstain until a point at which she decides to give me relief.

I am happy with the general situation but what I really want is to take the next step.
Sorry to have gone on a bit but finding your site and reading the updates has really helped a great deal. I will, of course, keep you in touch as to our progress. I would be grateful of any suggestions you might like to make about any of the above.

Steve

Ken responds…

Sounds like you have an excellent situation on your hands. Your wife has no misgivings about her role in the relationship and enforcing her authority over you. Now all you await is open acknowledgement of that reality. I suggest you give her the books and CD’s as quickly as possible, as I believe she will take to the ideas very quickly.

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Our books and CD’s can be found at www.lulu.com/aroundherfinger/