Welcome to the August updates. While we are fighting the heat and unusually busy demands of the season, we are aware that we are not the only ones distracted by the summer. So as always, we see modest traffic declines to our site in the summer months. This is also reflected in similar slumps in book sales, letters to our updates section and, to a degree, even the subject and tone of these letters. So this said, we hope that your commitment to moving forward with your female-led relationships remains strong and does not undergo the same seasonal declines. Loving female authority works best as a permanent, ongoing dynamic.
As always, I encourage you to email me at (coded to avoid email bots):
Emily Dot Addison At Gmail Dot Com
Our books and CD’s are available at Lulu: http://www.lulu.com/aroundherfinger
Letters from Women
Emily,
It was about three months ago that something happened that initiated a series of events that ultimately led me to your site and your methods.
My husband and I both had pretty terrible weeks at work. We had planned on going out to dinner on that Friday night. We were planning on going to a special restaurant that I had really wanted to try, but he arrived home at 7:05, five minutes late for a 7:00 reservation all the way across town. He did not answer his cell phone during the hour prior to coming home.
Both of us are ordinarily very calm, collected people. I seldom show my temper. This night, however, it was different. He got home, and I let him have it. I told him that for now on, I was going to start getting more of what I wanted in the relationship. I told him I had been happy to let him make most of the decisions in the home, but now it was going to be different. I was going to be in charge.
To my surprise, he didn’t argue back. He just sat there. I became angry, I suppose, at the fact that he wasn’t engaging me. I told him to fix me some dinner and bring it to me in the bedroom. About thirty minutes later he came back into the bedroom with one of my favorite pasta dishes and a glass of wine. I was now sitting up in bed reading. He set the pasta and wine on the nightstand beside me. Then he went into the closet and picked up the hamper of dirty clothes. Without saying anything, he took it into the basement and got the laundry started.
When he came back upstairs he asked if there was anything else he could do. Now you have to understand that at this point I really didn’t know what was happening. I thought it most likely that he was going over the top as a spiteful reaction to my outburst. I really had no idea that he was a closet submissive and that my outburst had actually triggered something in him that he found irresistible. So again, thinking it was spite, I told him to go ahead and get some lotion to rub my feet. So there I was, eating dinner in bed while my husband sat at the foot of the bed rubbing lotion between my toes! I now was curious as to how far I could take this.
When I finished eating I took off my clothes and rolled over on my stomach telling him that I wanted a full body massage. This he did, but not before he dimmed the lights and lit a candle. I then said nothing as he gave me one of the best massages of my life. At this point, I didn’t care if it was spite or not, I was enjoying all this too much to complain. Later that night we made love (no orgasm management involved), and it was great. He was very generous, and as I recall, I had to pull him up from me so that we could move from his giving me oral sex to intercourse.
The following weeks saw a more moderated replay of that night. He had definitely changed attitudes. All he would say is that I was right, and he had been a little selfish in the relationship. Again, I didn’t care to delve any deeper as I was happy with the situation.
Shortly after all of this occurred; I went out of town with a girlfriend of mine for a baby shower of a mutual friend. On the ride up, I shared the story of my husband’s sudden change with my friend. She told me that she thought my husband was submissive. As I said, this had never occurred to me, but my friend was very serious. She did not have any personal experience with male submission, but she knew a friend that had once confided to her that they had a wife-led marriage. Her friend’s marriage was, quite frankly, much more intense that what your site seems to advise. It involved [all sort of activity]. I really didn’t think I was ready to hear about, and I didn’t know that my husband was either (although now I know that there is nothing related to this subject about which he did not know). She suggested I look up some stuff on the internet, and if I felt comfortable, she would even put me in touch with her friend.
The content I found on the internet wasn’t helpful at all as it was mostly pornography. Given that I got nowhere with the internet, my friend arranged a call with this other woman. She seemed perfectly nice, and we agreed to get together for lunch. My first impression was that she was normal. She was older than me, but she could have been the woman sitting next to me in church, or standing in front of me at the grocery store check-out. As I got to know her, I learned that she had been married for twenty-three years, but only leading a wife-led marriage for about the last four years. Before that, they had the same modestly dysfunctional, “Leave it to Beaver” marriage that most of us middle-class suburbanites have. He worked; she stayed home with the kids. When the last of the kids went off to college, they started getting a bit more creative in their sexuality, and that is when her husband told her about his interest in male submission. He had shown her [a different site], but suggested that I start by looking at yours. In listening to me, she agreed that my husband seemed to be submissive, and she thought I would be most comfortable starting, and maybe staying, with the model for loving female authority that you offer.
In her own marriage, she was not at all reluctant to try this with her husband. She does admit, however, that she misunderstood it at first. She believed it was just a sexual fantasy, and did not understand how deeply ingrained it was in his personality. She also admitted that she was surprised by how she had responded to his submission and her newfound authority. She has grown comfortable in her role in the relationship, and her expectations for his obedience have been matched only by her increasing willingness to explore new limits and push beyond her old inhibitions. I have since met her husband, and I can honestly tell you that they are among the happiest couples I have ever met, and their devotion to each other is amazing.
When I went home that day, I poured over your site. I read every last letter in your blog, and was determined to formalize my role in the marriage as you suggested. I bought my husband your book and had him read it. He pretended he was unfamiliar with your site, but I have since learned he was also a fan. The weekend after I gave him the book we had our own heart to heart about what my expectations would be for him for now on. He knelt in front of me to pleasure me, and this unselfish act seemed to give him his own pleasure that was almost narcotic.
That night, [we started orgasm management] and [I have had absolute control of his orgasms] ever since. We have experimented with techniques and activities we have found on other sites, but it is your fundamental principles that ground our relationship in love, trust and a commitment to each other’s happiness.
Thank you again, Emily, for everything that you do.
Beth in Western Pennsylvania
Emily responds…
Beth, your letter is beautiful and a light to others that seek the same happiness. Take this relationship wherever you want to go. Nobody knows what is best for you and your husband better than you.
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Dear Emily,
My husband bought me your book, and I reluctantly agreed to the boot camp. To my surprise, I really liked it. That is actually an understatement. I really loved it. My problem now is that he is not always as obedient as I would hope. There are little things like having to be reminded to get around to my laundry, vacuuming, etc. These I think I can deal with. But last weekend he went a little further.
I had left the house early on Saturday to go to a flea market with some friends. He wanted to go to the lake with a friend of his that had offered to take him and some other guys out skiing. I told him that this was fine with me so long as he finished some chores that I had given him to do. It was not much to do on the list. I asked him to pick up my dry cleaning, wash my car, and move some boxes from the garage to the basement. Well, when I got home, none of these things were done. He had gone to the lake without doing anything I asked, and he came home late. It was after dinner which caused me to have to prepare my own meal. Plus, the bed was not made and dirty dishes had been left in the sink.
I am curious as to how you would recommend that I should have responded to all of this.
Unsigned
Emily responds…
Sometimes it is difficult to control our tempers, and for me, this would have been one of those times. That said, I consider his behavior outrageous. He should obey every command to the best of his ability and never indulge his boyish desire to run off with his friends while your instructions go ignored. You had been very generous to allow him to go to the lake, and it sounds like your conditions were very reasonable. I get fed up very quickly with men that want loving female authority on their own terms.
So, tempers aside, let me tell you what I think you should have done given that your patience allows for a calm and collected attitude. I think that when your husband returned home, you should have calmly told him to go into the bedroom, remove his clothes, and return to kneel in front of you. You should have expressed your dissatisfaction in simple, straightforward terms. You should have reminded him that it was him who suggested a wife-led marriage, and that your expectations were that he would live up to his commitment to obey your authority in the home. You would also inform him that there will be consequences for his disobedience.
I believe that reasonable consequences include the following:
• He will not be permitted any outside activities for one month. If there was something coming up that he was really anticipating, this should definitely be taken away.
• For the next month, he will be expected to wake up one hour early every day, including weekends, so that he can do additional chores of your choosing.
• While you expect an increase in the number of massages and demands for oral intimacy from him over the next month, he can expect to receive no orgasms. I have already emailed you separately as to a way to be certain that he is not cheating on this requirement.
• He will keep a journal, beginning immediately, where he can write down his thoughts and feelings as the month progresses. You can pull this journal out in the future to remind him of his month of punishment if minor infractions begin to build.
Be very committed to following through on this discipline as it is really for his own good.
Letters from Men
Dear Ken,
My wife and I have been experimenting with a female led marriage for about a year, off and on. The reason I am sending this message is because she would like advice in reference to discipline. She is very good at delegating tasks and showing disapproval, yet she is unsure of effective methods of discipline.
If you could advise us, it would be extremely helpful in our success.
Thank you,
Unsigned
Ken responds…..
First, I would suggest you take a look at the letter that Emily wrote in the “Letters from Women” section above that addresses this same topic. I have written my response below before seeing hers, and we decided to keep both in this update.
I suppose that even the most submissive male will occasionally try to get away with something. Perhaps he will sneak off to take orgasm management into his own hands, or maybe he will just be slack in his housework duties, or in a moment of frustration, forget his place in a conversation with his wife. Also, I have been involved with this site long enough to know that some men actually seek out the discipline of their wives. This is a part of their own submissive wiring and there is no doubt that the administering of discipline, regardless of the form, reinforces the hierarchy in the relationship in a way that many men find comforting.
Fortunately, discipline techniques can take on many roles and allow the wife a very wide range of options to fit her comfort level. We advise that most wives use the orgasm management process to reinforce discipline, but this is only a starting point. If she feels that this is not working, or worse, that her husband is manipulating her to modify the pace and pattern of the orgasms he is allowed to receive, then she should explore other options. Genuine behavioral changes are best made by taking away something important to the husband… perhaps a round of golf or the privilege of watching a favorite television show. More intense, and less conventional, forms of punishment might also be discussed. Some of these I would tend to classify as “recreational discipline” and are more about reinforcing roles than actually modifying behavior.
In any case, I feel that it is best for the relationship if the husband avoids the bad habit of actively seeking out discipline. We should all be obedient to the wishes our wives and genuinely accept their control. It is the sincere desire to serve reinforced by outward reminders of her authority and the careful moderation of our sexual release that is the underpinning of a successful female-led relationship.
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Dear Ken,
Okay, I'm starting to get it. My last email to you was a bit of a rant because things weren't progressing as I had hoped after giving my wife the AHF book and even confessing, although generically, my desires for her to be head of our household. Then when you posted my letter last month you warned me not to get ahead of myself. I know now that this is a slow process but my hard work is worth the effort. It's actually been four months since I started stealth submission and slowly brought the idea to my wife. We are moving forward and things are getting to where I think we would both be happier.
Thank you for your advice, I will take it slowly and not get discouraged (even though it is taking her forever to read the book!!)
Mark
Ken responds...
Thank you for the update. Please keep them coming. All wives are not going to be able to throw a switch and understand what has been inside your head forever, nevermind responding to it in the way that you seek. As you say, this takes time. Continue to be patient, but also be brave when she comes to you with questions. Let her know how important this is to you and make sure that you remain committed to her service and to improved communication so that she can see the benefits that it provides to her as well as you.
As she finishes reading the book, she will get more clarity. You are well on your way.
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Dear Ken,
My wife does not feel comfortable controlling my orgasms. I don't know if that is an accurate description or not. She is always wanting me to have one, but I am uncomfortable bringing up the fact that I think I climax too much since it is supposed to be her decision. She has been very receptive to the idea of taking complete control, but I am afraid she is missing out on some of the rewards that others benefit from.
I know not many males would see this as a problem but for some reason I do. I struggle with not making this about me, but this is a foundation in your book so I am confused.
Any advice would be welcomed.
Justin
Ken responds…
I do understand that women are uncomfortable with this element of loving female authority. Women, for all their wisdom and natural advantages over men, have a hard time understanding the impact that intimacy without orgasm has on men. They cannot be inside of our heads and understand the sudden, dramatic impact that a climax has on our brain chemistry. Our site tries to communicate this, and you have also tried to do so on your own, but absent this first hand understanding, I understand your wife’s reluctance.
I suggest a couple of things. One, the book and archives of this letters update include a number of ways to make management of orgasms into a bit of a game. These might make it a little easier for her to ease into the process. Also, the orgasm management panties (yes, I know that sounds crazy) that we were selling on Café Press are still available. You can find them here. We have gotten a surprising amount of positive feedback on these. She can just wear them, and without saying a word, let you know that she will be getting an orgasm and you will not. (Note that these are not on the standard Around Her Finger merchandise site which is located here.
Our books and CD’s are available at Lulu: http://www.lulu.com/aroundherfinger.
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