Welcome to the December Updates
As we roll through into holiday season, we should all remember that the bonds between those we love, not the possessions that we acquire, are really what contribute the quality of our lives. To that end, be ambitious and creative in coming with ways to build the bonds of intimacy and communication with your spouse. It will pay rewards above and beyond anything you can buy him or her at the malls or department stores.
I hope everyone pays special attention to the first letter which offers a great suggestion of an exercise for wives to give to their husbands. It definitely will contribute to the greater degree intimacy and higher level of communication that we all seek to discover.
Merry Christmas and best holiday wishes,
Emily
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As always, I encourage you to email me at (coded to avoid email bots):
Emily Dot Addison At Gmail Dot Com
Our books and CD’s are available at Lulu: http://www.lulu.com/aroundherfinger
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Letters from Women
Dear Emily,
My husband came forward to me about being submissive about one year ago. While he looked at your site often, he did not tell me about it at the time, and I first assumed his interest in all of this to be unique to him. In fact, the idea that there are many men like my husband and that there is a site like yours really came as a surprise to me. In retrospect, his not telling me about your site and books was a mistake. It was only when I went to the internet on my own initiative, months after him coming forward to me, that I even discovered it. Knowing that this is a common issue between couples and being able to leverage your work and experience as a resource would have been very helpful early on.
We definitely struggled with this at first. While I was reluctant, I was still open to the idea of being in charge in the marriage, but it seemed like my husband and I could never get it quite right. Like many people who write to your letters section, he would drift in and out of his attitude towards me and his commitment to what he said that he wanted in the first place. I think that this stemmed from a lack of understanding from my perspective regarding what he needed from me. He would speak in generalities about wanting to serve me, have me moderate how often he had orgasms, blah, blah, blah. But he really wasn’t clear about the fact that he had very specific ideas about how I was supposed to keep him motivated that went way beyond generalities.
I was excited to see your recent advice to a woman to have her boyfriend keep a journal of his thoughts. I had a very similar idea shortly after all of this started with my husband. I had given him the task of writing me a story of what a fantasy day with me would look like. I did not intend to build my life around his fantasy, but I wanted insight into what he was thinking. I asked him to write down the hypothetical “perfect submissive day with my wife”. What I learned is that he wanted me to be much more over the top with my authority than I had been. So much so that it seemed to almost humiliate him. I think that for me this was the biggest thing I learned from the exercise. I was ok with the model of loving female authority that he laid out for me when he first suggested we try it, and I am also comfortable with it as you describe it on your site, but he seems to want a bit more.
For example, in his story, after serving me breakfast in bed, his fantasy version of me then rolls over and commands him to “worship my bottom”. My fantasy counterpart then tells him that if he does a good job, I might let him go down on me later that night. Then she (I) drift back to sleep for a late morning nap as he lavishes me with kisses on my derrière.
When his fantasy counterpart serves me dinner that night, he is made to do so without wearing any clothes, and then I have him kneel beside me while I eat. Only after I get up and leave the table does he eat. And when I do “reward” him by having him give me oral sex that night, I am described as ignoring him while talking to one of my girlfriends on the telephone telling her how obedient he has been lately. At the end of the evening, my fantasy self loosely ties a little ribbon around his penis as a reminder that I am in charge, and that he won’t get another orgasm until I allow it.
In one sense, having him write down his fantasy scenario was very helpful. I saw that he needed me to step up the frequency and level of demonstrations of my control. While I was not comfortable with the level that was laid out by my fantasy counterpart, I did become a little bolder, and I would occasionally role play outside of my comfort zone. This definitely had the desired effect of maintaining consistency with the dynamic and gives me the intimacy and communication in our downtime, the romantic vanilla aspect of LFA, that I was really after.
In another sense, however, I feel like I have become increasingly comfortable in stepping into my role playing. I have become more comfortable doing the things with him and to him that I had earlier described as humiliating.
So my question to you now is what do you think? What do you think of the fantasy scenario as I have summarized it? Am I going too far? I will admit that I have become very comfortable as the dominant spouse. Is there a point where I step over the line and begin to encroach on the “normal” part of our relationship? Keep in mind that the LFA part of our marriage is still small relative to the vast majority of our interactions and communication… which except for the fact that we now communicate better… is almost exactly the same as it ever was. Also, based on your answer, what do I do next?
Thank you in advance,
Janet in Dallas
Emily responds…
Your assignment of having him write out a fantasy day is brilliant. I think that the fantasy scenarios of many submissive men would include activities and interactions very much like those that your husband described. For example, submissive men do seem to have a fascination with women’s tushies. Much like a foot fetish, a bottom fetish seems to metaphorically reinforce a man’s humility. His nakedness in your presence while serving you dinner does the same. Even if it made you uncomfortable at first, he wants to serve you this way, and it is an act of kindness on your part to accept it and to allow him to do it. I do not think it is too much to role play, as you say, and allow him to do this once in a while. I feel the same way about the ribbon. It is a way of reminding him always that you are in charge of his sexual pleasure. All of this has served to have the desired effect of maintaining that consistently high level of intimacy and open (vanilla) communication that a properly executed wife-led marriage offers.
I think the fact that you are growing more comfortable with his scenarios is only a good thing. Embrace your authority. Throttle this dynamic to your comfort level, and you will always be well within any pre-conceived boundaries that he may have. I suspect that the fantasy story that he wrote still found him holding back quite a bit, and that he nurtures at least a curiosity about activities even beyond what he was willing to share with you.
As to next steps, ask him to write down five activities about which he is curious, but you two have never explored. Then select from these the one or two with which you are comfortable and also represent a modest step forward. Use them sparingly and lovingly to nurture his sense of humility. Your relationship will only become stronger as a result.
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Emily,
Please excuse this letter if it seems rambling. I have never spoken to anyone about this subject and am very nervous sending this message.
I recently found your web site and was intrigued. I have been married to my husband for more than 20 years having married later in life so I am no spring chicken. On several occasions he has expressed to be, as he puts it, “my slave”. Unfortunately I am not very creative and usually this goes on for a few weeks at the most. He leans toward the more “overt” when it comes to his servitude (he loves me to wear boots, high heels, and more display traditional outward examples of the male version of domination), if you know what I mean.
Your idea of LFA seems more in line with what might work for me. Here is my concern: after the initial launch, what measures do I take when the newness wears off? What measures do you recommend to reinforce my "authority"?
Thanks for the web site. Now maybe I have a model that can work for us.
Sally V.
Emily responds…
First, I applaud you for taking the right first steps in that you have kept an open mind about your husband’s submission, and you seek to understand how to reconcile it with what will work for you. This shows that you are a compassionate woman in that you take his needs into consideration, and it shows that you are committed to compromise when his needs and your own do not seem, at first glance, to align perfectly.
Understanding the next steps in maintaining the relationship dynamic seems to challenge many writers to this site. Let me reinforce the suggestions and recommendations from the last letter. Have him write down his fantasy scenario. Ask him to answer, in writing, the same questions you are asking me. Figure out what he thinks will maintain the intensity of his commitment, and use this as a starting point to explore new paths together.
If some of the items he mentions puzzle you, do not hesitate to write back to me or to do Google searches to find out what others, perhaps with more expansive boundaries, have discovered works for them.
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Dear Emily,
I am getting married in the spring to a wonderful submissive man. We plan on living a wife-led marriage, and while we plan to be very discreet about the nature of our relationship, one thing does bother me.
My instincts tell me that he should take my name. Even the compromise position of keeping our own names seems to be insincere under the circumstances.
What do you think?
Pamela
Emily responds…
I am sure that many women who read my response will be shocked to hear that I actually have no problem with any of the options available to you including taking his name. Perhaps the day will come when loving female authority becomes a well understood and openly accepted custom in our society, but it is not likely to happen soon. Therefore, I prefer to focus my attention and concern on how the two of you relate to one another, and not how you broadcast your matriarchy to the outside world.
I have said before that as far as public behavior is concerned, a man should absolutely be expected to behave respectfully and with reverence towards his wife and other women. No other acknowledgement of LFA beyond this is necessary. Decide how you want to handle the name situation with this in mind. That your husband accepts and respects the decision, whatever it may be, is the only important factor.
Letters from Men
Dear Emily and Ken:
It impressed me (and consoled me in some ways) to see you post the letter this month from the husband who found a negative response from his wife to his overtures concerning a wife-led marriage along the lines of your website. I feel for him, and am concerned for his next steps with his wife and his own mind.
I too found such a response and have had to make my own emotional and mental adjustments to knowing an AHF kind of marriage will not come to be. It’s not from lack of effort. Nor is it from asking my wife to become someone completely contrary to her nature. She is a faithful, thoughtful, caring wife. At times she is also a lovingly-bossy woman who is used to my yielding to her on many things. Yet, it appears the shift that AHF asks of her is just too much.
I had discovered the site nearly two years ago while in a phase of searching how our marriage might deepen now that we are empty nesters. Discovering your site was both a breath of fresh air and admittedly an erotic attraction. For years my wife and I had been aware of the submissive tendencies I have, and it was not unusual for her and me to act upon them as a spice in our intimate relationship. Finding your site, reading the book and listening to the confessional CD and a lot of reflection since then has brought to me a peace that it is the loving kind of marriage relationship you describe that I have always wanted, but was unable to figure out.
When I did quietly (like so many, in a stealth submission) begin to live that out, and after a while gave my wife your book and CD and a confessional letter, I suspect the memories of the games we had played was what she thought this was too. There wasn't much response from her, in fact none at all. I'm not even certain she even read the book or reviewed the website. I kept up my caring and submission for some months, and was even optimistic when I wrote you an email (which you posted last year).
But the few times she accepted it did not make up for the basically negative, even indifferent response, she had to the concept. I gave it up after some months, only to return quietly and intentionally two other times since then for another couple extended efforts, ready to talk about it if given the slightest opening. But rather than accept the devotion and loving intimacy I offered, without words, it was clear it was a non-starter for her and a dead-end for me. I still have the book and my desire is still there, and I have a wonderfully honest confessional letter expressing my wishes for her as we move into this new phase of our marriage. But I am not at all hopeful.
So for you, I still say thanks for helping me sort through to understand myself and find peace with who I am and what I really wanted from a relationship. It’s not going to happen for me. But I know more of myself now.
For the writer you posted, I encourage him to ask himself some hard questions, the same ones I've had to ask myself. He made a commitment to her, and while he wants to change the style of marriage now mid-way, marriage is a mutual thing. She isn't interested, so can he instead find the positives in their marriage? Go ahead and give her the love she needs, even if the wife-led dynamic he would prefer won't be there. In other words, like I am learning to do, I hope he can find the positives that are there rather than the loss he feels.
And finally, I have some thoughts for the other more submissive men still thinking about introducing this to their wives or the younger men just moving into a relationship. If I can give any perspective now looking back, don't choose the games or the internet as alternatives. Be a man and tell your wife what's in your heart. Explain to her what you think would be a win-win for both of you, and how fulfilling it would be to be her devoted husband. Don't cloud the picture with anything less.
Thanks again for posting his letter and inviting our response.
Roger
Ken responds…
Thank you for the kind words to the author of last month’s letter. I agree that he will struggle with this rejection, and I share your concern for him going forward. I have no doubt he can maintain a strong, positive relationship with his wife, but I also know that her decision to shut him down when opening up about something so important to him will have lasting effects.
I cannot help but notice that there is one thing that the few letters we have received where LFA was rejected have in common. In each of them, the wife was unwilling to discuss the husband’s request. His letter was no different, and neither for that matter, is your letter. There was no thoughtful consideration and heartfelt explanation as to why the wife does not want to pursue LFA, there was only silence. There is often, if not typically, not even a sense of certainty if the wife even bothered to read our book or open up our website. This really bothers me.
If I could ask one thing from these wives, it would be to engage their husbands on this matter. Understand the motivation and history behind their decision to bring up the topic. Find a way to at least acknowledge that the submissive expression is heartfelt and genuine and deserves a response. In other words, give a damn.
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Emily Dot Addison At Gmail Dot Com
Our books and CD’s are available at Lulu: http://www.lulu.com/aroundherfinger
Saturday, December 01, 2007
Thursday, November 01, 2007
November 2007 Updates
Welcome to the November Updates
It seems like the next update is due almost as soon as we finish the last. Our labor of love continues, and we welcome all the letters we receive, the ones we publish as well as those that we do not.
I ask that all of our readers take special note of the first of this month's letters from men. It relates a horribly negative experience that one member of our community had in sharing his interest in loving female authority with his wife. I would very much welcome any direct replies to this letter. I can either post them on here or forward them directly to the letter’s author.
Ken
Letters from Women
Dear Emily,
I have been lurking on your site and blog for months, but I have not before now been moved to write you.
I am another one of those wives that believed (wrongly) that my husband would be the last one to be interested in being submissive to me. My husband is very successful at work, very outgoing, and gives one the impression that he is, if anything, much more dominant than submissive.
I got my first hints at his interest in this topic soon after we were married. He tried to get me engage in domination play in the bedroom, even buying me toys and outfits to prod my participation. I first played along with him, but certainly never lived up to his expectations, and I let him know that it was really not something that interested me. At the time I wrote it off as a kinky fetish of his that occupied a small part of his thoughts, and I had no idea of the extent that it actually occupied his mind. It was only this past summer, when I opened the history folder on our shared computer to find a site I had visited recently, that I was confronted by the full extent of his interest in this topic.
The one saving grace from the time I spent looking through the websites he visited was seeing your own amongst them. You provided an opportunity for me to not only begin to develop a framework for understanding him, but more importantly, you provide a model with which I think I can live. I use the future tense here because even though I discovered his web history four months ago, he still does not know it.
Sometime over the next few weeks or months, I plan on giving my husband exactly what he wants, or more accurately, needs. I have been thinking quite a bit about this, and I am excited by what I believe it can offer our relationship. I am quite sure that he will be shocked by my intentions. For example, I plan on [adopting techniques I have learned about from other websites]. My plan is to be quite demanding, with an emphasis on using LFA to develop our relationship. I will say that I particularly liked the suggestion you recently made to one woman to have her boyfriend keep a journal on topics of her choosing. I feel like after ten years of marriage, I will finally have a vehicle to get him to express himself to me.
Thank you again for everything that you and your devoted husband do.
Unsigned in Tucson
Emily responds…
I am so pleased with your letter. I am certain that your husband will enjoy everything that you have in store for him. Please do keep us up to date with how your “coming out” affects your relationship.
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Dear Emily,
My husband and I have been practicing an Around Her Finger marriage for over one year. Like other women that have written to you, he would get hot and cold in terms of his affection and focus on me, and like other women, I assumed that it was because I was not managing the cycle of his orgasms correctly.
But after going through this for some time, I think that I disagree with you. I think that the way to deal with these down cycles is not by tweaking the orgasm management, but instead by taking firm actions that re-affirm our roles in the marriage. Honestly, I’ve become used to being in control, and I figured this out only because I put my foot down one day and saw how it affected him.
I had noticed he had been slacking off on cleaning and chores. Then one night I asked him for the remote control, and he came back and said he just wanted to finish watching his show. I let this pass. Later, when I asked him for a foot rub, he complied, but did so with a grumpy attitude and complained that he was very tired. I guess I just had enough. Having a wife-led marriage was his idea, and I did not think I should have to work so hard at it.
I calmly but sternly told him to take off his clothes and that he would give me my foot rub while he was naked. You had said one time that this makes men feel vulnerable and increases their submission. It seemed to work for him. He started kissing my feet before rubbing lotion on them, something he had not done in a while. As he did so I told him how I was tired of his attitude, and that he would obey me or he would be sleeping on the floor at the foot of my bed for the week. I reminded him that I was in charge and he was, as per the original agreement, expected to obey me. Then I had him [provide me with oral sex] before moving to the bed where he gave me a massage as I went to sleep.
For the next two weeks our relationship continued perfectly. And now, whenever I see him starting to slip, I give him a reminder of one sort or another of our new roles in the relationship.
Unsigned
Emily responds…
You provided a great letter, and I thank you for sharing your experience. I hope I never gave the impression that orgasm management alone is enough to maintain this dynamic. Overt and frequent demonstrations of your authority are at least as important as physical intimacy that excludes the male orgasm. Orgasm management together with these reminders of your roles are the magic to making loving female authority work.
When you were unhappy with the way things were going, you didn’t just complain, you took action. You were rewarded for your initiative.
Letters from Men
Ken,
I wanted to write to you because I don't think I've read a letter on your site from someone who has had a negative experience. Over a year ago, after months and months of agonizing, i approached my wife about LFA. I had engaged in "stealth submission" several times through the years (almost 20 now), but finally worked up the courage to be honest and open about my feelings. To be brief, it failed miserably.
My wife pretty much outright rejected the notion and moved on. I tried to open the discussion several other times, but she seemed to get agitated, angry and shut down. I tried to get her to just look at your site and do some research then talk with me, but it never happened. I'm not certain whether it is my own embarrassment over bearing my soul and being rejected or if it is real, but it seems that she has been more distant than before. The emotional intimacy I felt in the lead up to this seems lost and I feel she has lost some of the respect she had for me. This has not destroyed my marriage, but it does seem that it has changed it.
I feel lost now. Before I at least had the fantasy that at some point, in the future, this might be a reality and I might be able to really be myself with the woman I love. I know I have to let it go and move on and I can't really even get an idea from her about where she is emotionally with this. It seems that I rationalized to myself that this was going to be something she could get her mind around because she is a very assertive woman who is a natural leader. Unfortunately, she was repulsed by the notion.
I'm writing this to give you and your readers the other side. This doesn't always go well, and a man must decide if this is worth the risk. As for me, I wish I had kept my desires to myself. The picture you paint on you site and through your letters seems much more positive than the reality I experienced. I hope you will post this so others will know that coming out to your spouse with these feelings comes at considerable risk.
Rob
Ken responds…
I am very sorry to hear that your courage in sharing your feelings was met with such a dramatic negative reaction by your wife. We have certainly received and published negative letters before, and we do understand the intense personal rejection associated with this outcome. I believe that most every man that comes to this site balances the possibility of that reaction against the intensely desired goal state of loving female authority and proceeds accordingly.
I will offer you hope by saying that we have received letters from men whose wife reacted very negatively to the initial introduction only to come around to a more receptive attitude months later. I certainly hope that this will be the case in your own marriage.
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Dear Ken,
Over the years, my wife and I have gravitated towards a wife led marriage.
We practice orgasm management and on this issue as with every issue in our home her word is final. My wife enjoys oral stimulation but also enjoys sexual intercourse. One thing she wants very much is for me not to climax before her. I find this very difficult. Usually I am so primed and wound up from extended foreplay that as soon as I penetrate, I climax.
Any advice you could give would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.
Marc
Ken responds…
Emily recently counseled a woman to explore the use of a vibrating ring, available at adult novelty stores, that wraps around the base of the penis and can be positioned against the woman during intercourse. This allows the intimacy of sexual intercourse and affords the woman a high-likelihood of an orgasm while allowing the man to remain somewhat still, thus reducing his own likelihood of ejaculating prematurely. When the ring is extended around the scrotum, it also provides the additional benefit of prolonging male orgasm and maintaining the erection.
You can combine this technique by using a desensitizing cream, also available at adult novelty stores. Rub this cream onto your erection before intercourse and then wear a condom before entering your wife so that her own genitalia is not exposed to the cream when it comes in contact with your own.
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Ken,
You mentioned that you have a new job. I was wondering if you would share some personal information with us?
Since you are pretty open with living a FLR having a website and writing a book, do people at work know of this? What kind of work do you do? How does being a submissive husband affect your professional life? Who is the primary earner in you family, you or Emily? What kind of career does Emily have?
The reason that I ask is that I always wonder who are the people that have a marriage like the one I want to have. Are the men submissive in all aspects of their life including professional? Are the women dominant in all aspects of their lives? I have a pretty "normal" career, I am a business manager and the primary income source for our family, but when I get home or interact with my wife I want her to be in charge.
Mark
Ken responds…
Emily and I are very reluctant to share personal information, but I will open up to you about a few things.
First, Emily and Ken Addison are pseudonyms. While we are a real couple leading a wife-led marriage, we do not use our real names. We are intensely private, and our friends and family, with very few exceptions, have any idea how deeply committed we are to the concepts we discuss on this site.
I am the primary breadwinner in the marriage. Emily gives me an allowance, and I very often request and receive other money, but the source of most of our monthly income is primarily my job. I am employed by a large company which would be familiar to all of the readers of this site in a managerial capacity. In the parlance of the corporate world, I would be called a mid-level manager. I prefer not to say exactly what I do, but it is the cause for a modest amount of travel, some stress, and an income probably slightly better than the typical American.
Emily works outside the home as a volunteer for a non-profit. She also is involved in a number of community activities where she holds a leadership role. While I make more money, her responsibilities are greater than mine and her work is more important.
While I may have never thought of it before receiving your letter, I think that being submissive has definitely impacted my career. Do not misunderstand, I feel as though I am a strong leader at work, being very aggressive and demanding with my employees. I also do not think it has affected the way I interact with women at work. My demeanor and attitude towards my prior boss, who was female, was professional and courteous, just as my demeanor and attitude is towards my current male boss.
What I will say, however, is that since openly submitting to Emily, my work is just not as important to me as it used to be. I think I used to try and self-actualize by being successful at work. I have now come to accept that financial or career success will never fulfill me. The only meaningful way for me to achieve happiness is by giving my wife one hundred and ten percent of my energy and attention. This has affected my career because it has caused to me to pass on opportunities at work that would have taken my focus off Emily. However, the net of my priorities has been a peace and a contentment that has rewarded me many times over.
I love and serve my wife. Just as we say on our site, I am truly happiest when wrapped around her finger.
It seems like the next update is due almost as soon as we finish the last. Our labor of love continues, and we welcome all the letters we receive, the ones we publish as well as those that we do not.
I ask that all of our readers take special note of the first of this month's letters from men. It relates a horribly negative experience that one member of our community had in sharing his interest in loving female authority with his wife. I would very much welcome any direct replies to this letter. I can either post them on here or forward them directly to the letter’s author.
Ken
Letters from Women
Dear Emily,
I have been lurking on your site and blog for months, but I have not before now been moved to write you.
I am another one of those wives that believed (wrongly) that my husband would be the last one to be interested in being submissive to me. My husband is very successful at work, very outgoing, and gives one the impression that he is, if anything, much more dominant than submissive.
I got my first hints at his interest in this topic soon after we were married. He tried to get me engage in domination play in the bedroom, even buying me toys and outfits to prod my participation. I first played along with him, but certainly never lived up to his expectations, and I let him know that it was really not something that interested me. At the time I wrote it off as a kinky fetish of his that occupied a small part of his thoughts, and I had no idea of the extent that it actually occupied his mind. It was only this past summer, when I opened the history folder on our shared computer to find a site I had visited recently, that I was confronted by the full extent of his interest in this topic.
The one saving grace from the time I spent looking through the websites he visited was seeing your own amongst them. You provided an opportunity for me to not only begin to develop a framework for understanding him, but more importantly, you provide a model with which I think I can live. I use the future tense here because even though I discovered his web history four months ago, he still does not know it.
Sometime over the next few weeks or months, I plan on giving my husband exactly what he wants, or more accurately, needs. I have been thinking quite a bit about this, and I am excited by what I believe it can offer our relationship. I am quite sure that he will be shocked by my intentions. For example, I plan on [adopting techniques I have learned about from other websites]. My plan is to be quite demanding, with an emphasis on using LFA to develop our relationship. I will say that I particularly liked the suggestion you recently made to one woman to have her boyfriend keep a journal on topics of her choosing. I feel like after ten years of marriage, I will finally have a vehicle to get him to express himself to me.
Thank you again for everything that you and your devoted husband do.
Unsigned in Tucson
Emily responds…
I am so pleased with your letter. I am certain that your husband will enjoy everything that you have in store for him. Please do keep us up to date with how your “coming out” affects your relationship.
---
Dear Emily,
My husband and I have been practicing an Around Her Finger marriage for over one year. Like other women that have written to you, he would get hot and cold in terms of his affection and focus on me, and like other women, I assumed that it was because I was not managing the cycle of his orgasms correctly.
But after going through this for some time, I think that I disagree with you. I think that the way to deal with these down cycles is not by tweaking the orgasm management, but instead by taking firm actions that re-affirm our roles in the marriage. Honestly, I’ve become used to being in control, and I figured this out only because I put my foot down one day and saw how it affected him.
I had noticed he had been slacking off on cleaning and chores. Then one night I asked him for the remote control, and he came back and said he just wanted to finish watching his show. I let this pass. Later, when I asked him for a foot rub, he complied, but did so with a grumpy attitude and complained that he was very tired. I guess I just had enough. Having a wife-led marriage was his idea, and I did not think I should have to work so hard at it.
I calmly but sternly told him to take off his clothes and that he would give me my foot rub while he was naked. You had said one time that this makes men feel vulnerable and increases their submission. It seemed to work for him. He started kissing my feet before rubbing lotion on them, something he had not done in a while. As he did so I told him how I was tired of his attitude, and that he would obey me or he would be sleeping on the floor at the foot of my bed for the week. I reminded him that I was in charge and he was, as per the original agreement, expected to obey me. Then I had him [provide me with oral sex] before moving to the bed where he gave me a massage as I went to sleep.
For the next two weeks our relationship continued perfectly. And now, whenever I see him starting to slip, I give him a reminder of one sort or another of our new roles in the relationship.
Unsigned
Emily responds…
You provided a great letter, and I thank you for sharing your experience. I hope I never gave the impression that orgasm management alone is enough to maintain this dynamic. Overt and frequent demonstrations of your authority are at least as important as physical intimacy that excludes the male orgasm. Orgasm management together with these reminders of your roles are the magic to making loving female authority work.
When you were unhappy with the way things were going, you didn’t just complain, you took action. You were rewarded for your initiative.
Letters from Men
Ken,
I wanted to write to you because I don't think I've read a letter on your site from someone who has had a negative experience. Over a year ago, after months and months of agonizing, i approached my wife about LFA. I had engaged in "stealth submission" several times through the years (almost 20 now), but finally worked up the courage to be honest and open about my feelings. To be brief, it failed miserably.
My wife pretty much outright rejected the notion and moved on. I tried to open the discussion several other times, but she seemed to get agitated, angry and shut down. I tried to get her to just look at your site and do some research then talk with me, but it never happened. I'm not certain whether it is my own embarrassment over bearing my soul and being rejected or if it is real, but it seems that she has been more distant than before. The emotional intimacy I felt in the lead up to this seems lost and I feel she has lost some of the respect she had for me. This has not destroyed my marriage, but it does seem that it has changed it.
I feel lost now. Before I at least had the fantasy that at some point, in the future, this might be a reality and I might be able to really be myself with the woman I love. I know I have to let it go and move on and I can't really even get an idea from her about where she is emotionally with this. It seems that I rationalized to myself that this was going to be something she could get her mind around because she is a very assertive woman who is a natural leader. Unfortunately, she was repulsed by the notion.
I'm writing this to give you and your readers the other side. This doesn't always go well, and a man must decide if this is worth the risk. As for me, I wish I had kept my desires to myself. The picture you paint on you site and through your letters seems much more positive than the reality I experienced. I hope you will post this so others will know that coming out to your spouse with these feelings comes at considerable risk.
Rob
Ken responds…
I am very sorry to hear that your courage in sharing your feelings was met with such a dramatic negative reaction by your wife. We have certainly received and published negative letters before, and we do understand the intense personal rejection associated with this outcome. I believe that most every man that comes to this site balances the possibility of that reaction against the intensely desired goal state of loving female authority and proceeds accordingly.
I will offer you hope by saying that we have received letters from men whose wife reacted very negatively to the initial introduction only to come around to a more receptive attitude months later. I certainly hope that this will be the case in your own marriage.
---
Dear Ken,
Over the years, my wife and I have gravitated towards a wife led marriage.
We practice orgasm management and on this issue as with every issue in our home her word is final. My wife enjoys oral stimulation but also enjoys sexual intercourse. One thing she wants very much is for me not to climax before her. I find this very difficult. Usually I am so primed and wound up from extended foreplay that as soon as I penetrate, I climax.
Any advice you could give would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.
Marc
Ken responds…
Emily recently counseled a woman to explore the use of a vibrating ring, available at adult novelty stores, that wraps around the base of the penis and can be positioned against the woman during intercourse. This allows the intimacy of sexual intercourse and affords the woman a high-likelihood of an orgasm while allowing the man to remain somewhat still, thus reducing his own likelihood of ejaculating prematurely. When the ring is extended around the scrotum, it also provides the additional benefit of prolonging male orgasm and maintaining the erection.
You can combine this technique by using a desensitizing cream, also available at adult novelty stores. Rub this cream onto your erection before intercourse and then wear a condom before entering your wife so that her own genitalia is not exposed to the cream when it comes in contact with your own.
---
Ken,
You mentioned that you have a new job. I was wondering if you would share some personal information with us?
Since you are pretty open with living a FLR having a website and writing a book, do people at work know of this? What kind of work do you do? How does being a submissive husband affect your professional life? Who is the primary earner in you family, you or Emily? What kind of career does Emily have?
The reason that I ask is that I always wonder who are the people that have a marriage like the one I want to have. Are the men submissive in all aspects of their life including professional? Are the women dominant in all aspects of their lives? I have a pretty "normal" career, I am a business manager and the primary income source for our family, but when I get home or interact with my wife I want her to be in charge.
Mark
Ken responds…
Emily and I are very reluctant to share personal information, but I will open up to you about a few things.
First, Emily and Ken Addison are pseudonyms. While we are a real couple leading a wife-led marriage, we do not use our real names. We are intensely private, and our friends and family, with very few exceptions, have any idea how deeply committed we are to the concepts we discuss on this site.
I am the primary breadwinner in the marriage. Emily gives me an allowance, and I very often request and receive other money, but the source of most of our monthly income is primarily my job. I am employed by a large company which would be familiar to all of the readers of this site in a managerial capacity. In the parlance of the corporate world, I would be called a mid-level manager. I prefer not to say exactly what I do, but it is the cause for a modest amount of travel, some stress, and an income probably slightly better than the typical American.
Emily works outside the home as a volunteer for a non-profit. She also is involved in a number of community activities where she holds a leadership role. While I make more money, her responsibilities are greater than mine and her work is more important.
While I may have never thought of it before receiving your letter, I think that being submissive has definitely impacted my career. Do not misunderstand, I feel as though I am a strong leader at work, being very aggressive and demanding with my employees. I also do not think it has affected the way I interact with women at work. My demeanor and attitude towards my prior boss, who was female, was professional and courteous, just as my demeanor and attitude is towards my current male boss.
What I will say, however, is that since openly submitting to Emily, my work is just not as important to me as it used to be. I think I used to try and self-actualize by being successful at work. I have now come to accept that financial or career success will never fulfill me. The only meaningful way for me to achieve happiness is by giving my wife one hundred and ten percent of my energy and attention. This has affected my career because it has caused to me to pass on opportunities at work that would have taken my focus off Emily. However, the net of my priorities has been a peace and a contentment that has rewarded me many times over.
I love and serve my wife. Just as we say on our site, I am truly happiest when wrapped around her finger.
Friday, October 05, 2007
October 2007
Welcome to the October Updates
Aplogies in advance for the delay in getting this update posted. I have changed jobs recently and have been extremely busy managing the transition. Believe me, Emily and I value your letters ,and we look forward to the opportunity to post them this and every month.
Before getting to this month's letters, I just want to make a quick announcement:
For all the submissive men out there that are seeking an absolute no-risk way to bring up the topic of female-led relationships, your prayers might just have been answered.
Fox is launching a new show called When Women Rule the World. We are still waiting to see exactly when the show is expected to premier, but it is part of their new line-up for the upcoming season. This show may represent the single-best catalyst for any men still struggling with a way to breach the topic of loving female authority with their wives.
I suggest that any men that have not already done so order a hardcopy of one of our books prior to the premier, so it is avaible as the show opens up dialogue opportunities with you and your wives. We will showcase suggestions on how best to take advantage of this show as the on-air date nears, and we will almost certainly feature success stories after it comes out.
This show may end up being a mockering of loving female authority or an advocate for the cause, but again, it is the catalyst it will create for honest communication that we look forward to the most.
Ken
Our books and CD's are available at: http://www.lulu.com/aroundherfinger
Email questions directly to Emily at Emily (dot) Addison (@) gmail.com
Here is the announcement from the Fox TV site:
When Women Rule the World
Fox Television
What if it was “a woman’s world”? What if women made ALL the decisions? If men were their obedient subjects?
These questions and more will be explored when a group of strong, educated, independent women, tired of living in a man’s world and each with a personal axe to grind, rule over a group of unsuspecting men used to calling the shots on WHEN WOMEN RULE THE WORLD.
The unscripted series will reveal how women and men react in a world where women are in charge and men are subservient, and each gender’s ability to adapt to a new social order will be put to the test.
The participants will be brought to a remote, primitive location where the women will have the opportunity to “rule” as they build a newly formed society – one where there is no glass ceiling and no dressing to impress. For the men, their worlds of power and prestige are turned inside-out and upside-down. And for these women, turnabout is fair play!
In order to win, the men must accede to the women’s every demand, 24/7. Here, women command and men obey. Over the series’ duration, the men will be eliminated by the women until one last man is standing.
How will the men react? How will the women treat the men? Can women effectively rule society? Will the men learn what life is like for some women in today’s world? Will this new society be a Utopia or a hell on earth? And in the end, who will be man enough to succeed in the new social order?
Letters from Women
Dear Emily,
I'm emailing you because I can't seem to find anything that specifically applies to my situation anywhere on your websites or even any other websites I've looked on.
Here's my situation. I met a guy a few months ago and we immediately hit it off and from the beginning have been very open and honest with each other. About a month after we met, when we were dating but not exclusive, he brought up the concept of a female-led relationship. I was receptive and started doing some research on my own. Since then we've become exclusive and are figuring out ways to work female authority into our relationship. But since we are not married or living together and still in a new relationship, I have some thoughts and questions that are unique to our situation.
First, since we aren't living together (and frankly, not seeing each other very often right now because of a big work event for him), I'm not quite sure how to implement orgasm management effectively. Because opportunities for intimacy are fewer, I sometimes feel bad denying him an orgasm, especially if it's been a week or so since our last intimate encounter. I also don't always know when our next opportunity will be, and I don't want him to go too long without an orgasm and get frustrated. Also because we aren't living together, I've had to be more creative with the demands I place on him. There is no laundry or chores to do, so instead I send him on errands to buy me lingerie, have him cook me dinner, etc. I've also put together a budget for him (he has given me access to his finances). However, I feel like I'm really limited in the things I can demand from him, especially when he's extremely busy at work (which he is now). Is it unusual for couples to begin a relationship like this?
We've yet to build the history and depth of love that many of the married couples on the site have. We've placed a lot of trust in one another very quickly and while I feel like we are at the beginning of something amazing, I can't help but wonder and worry about the vulnerability and trust we've given to each other (especially him) without that background. We are hoping to build that history and love partially with the help of loving female authority. What do you think about this?
Thanks for your time. I'm not sure if I've put this all in a way that makes a lot of sense or is very organized, but I am really just kind of feeling my way through all of this!
Dana
Emily responds...
I was so pleased to read your letter. Your boyfriend's courage to discuss his desires and your willingness to explore this new relationship dynamic are a sign of good things to come for both of you. You have many questions in your letter, and I hope to address all of them, but let me first give you some thoughts on what I see as the bigger picture with you and your boyfriend.
Your problem right now is not that you have little time to practice loving female authority; your problem is that you have little time to spend together... period. Any new relationship demands that time be spent getting to know one another so that you can become comfortable with who someone is and what the two of you can ultimately come to depend on in each other. I worry that if the little time you have to spend in each other's company is too focussed on orgasm management and obedient service to your wishes, then you will not get to know him for what he is beyond his submissive nature. I think, however, that you know this already. I just wanted to highlite the point as it does seem pertinent to addressing your more specific questions.
So, with all that said, I think that there are things you can do in the short-term that will accomodate your shared desire to build a relationship that has loving female authority as a central pillar. Allow me to assume that for the time being, you are only seeing him on weekends. I do think that from an orgasm management perspective, it is very important that he not be allowed to climax while away from you. You know him better than I, but I believe that very few men can be trusted not to masturbate when away for a week at a time. You can ask him to check in with you every night via a phone call, but short of measures outside the scope of this site, I think that this may be the best you can do. In any event, a nightly phone call is a good thing while you are still struggling to know each other. I also suggest that you add a requirement that he compose a nightly email journal where he talks about his thoughts on a list of subjects provided by you. This can really help to jumpstart the process of getting to know him better.
When he does show up in person to see you, presumably on Friday nights, I would not suggest that this is the right time to let him off the hook in regard to his orgasm. If a lack of opportunity for intimacy is your concern, I would first want to ask what you mean by this. Are we talking about your need for emotional intimacy represented by intercourse, your need for sexual climax, or his need for sexual climax? I would tell you first to not worry about his needs for an orgasm. Believe me, his real needs are being met by the intense emotional intimacy that you provide with your loving female authority. While he does need physical intimacy from you, he does not need an orgasm. You, however, may need an orgasm, or you may desire intercourse -- and I want to address your needs -- but that doesn't mean you need to let him climax.
Instead, have him perform oral sex on you. This may be enough for you, but some women do need more. If you want intercourse, have him penetrate you but have him tell you in advance of an orgasm coming on so that you can stop him prior to climax. One technique that has been suggested is to use a vibrating ring that he can wear during lovemaking. The ring serves a double purpose. It helps him to control and prolong his orgasm, but more importantly, it provides an intense physical sensation that allows you to experience your own orgasm from the vibration of the toy. He can position himself inside you and then remain still, allowing the vibrating component to be pressed against your most sensitive area. Women find that this provides ample stimulation for their own orgasm, but men find it insufficient physical stimulation for their climax. However, because he is inside you, the intimacy that only intercourse can provide is achieved. These rings are commonly available at adult novelty stores.
Ultimately, he will have to experience release. The right time for him to climax might be on the Sunday night that ends your weekend together. Afterwards, give him some chore to do that begins rebuilding his submissive feelings that the orgasm is so likely to destroy. Have him give you a massage, or just rub your feet, and remind him that the orgasm you just allowed will be his last until he sees you again next weekend.
Before you send him off the next morning, be sure he has the list of subjects you are assigning him for his email journal. This should be an adequate expression of your authority while he is away. Do not feel obligated to work too hard to make your authority known. Your heart is in the right place, and believe me, he will not easily forget that you are in charge. This is particularly true since you are managing his finances. He does indeed trust you enormously since you have only known him a short time.
Dana, I hope that all of this has helped. Just remember that this dynamic is as much about you as it is about him. Balance his needs with the level of effort that you feel is appropriate and you will find a happy medium. Loving female authority can and does work for beginning couples. You will end up living proof. I am sure of it.
Note:
It is not my habit to provide personal responses in advance of their appearance on these updates pages, but in the case of Dana, I did just that. Dana was kind enough to send the following very thoughtful note. I am providing it below as Dana's approach to building her relationship by nurturing her boyfriend's submission exemplifies our own approach to loving female authority.
Emily,
Thank you so much for your thorough and extremely thoughtful response. You were able to address the issues and concerns that I wasn't able to articulate myself and have given me wonderful suggestions for moving forward with him.
Just to update you, we are working on making more time for one another. He has been going through a time where he's been working 80 hour weeks, making it difficult to see each other on a regular basis. When we do, the focus is not on obedience, but on other "vanilla" aspects of our lives and who we are, with loving female authority overtones. Our relationship began with and is based on who we are as people, but we both see loving female authority as a way to explore levels of intimacy and trust that neither of us has ever experienced before (he has never brought this up with any of his old girlfriends).
You have helped me gain more of the confidence and assurance I need in order to proceed with him in a firm, but loving way and I am looking forward to everything that is ahead of us.
Dana
-----
I never thought I would be writing you with a success story of my own, but here I am. Not only did I succeed in introducing my interest in loving female authority to my wife, but we just celebrated the one year anniversary of our continued commitment to a wife-led marriage.
I met my wife at a church singles function almost ten years ago. We hit it off, having a great deal in common including a very traditional value system, and married within a year. While I had always known that I was sexually excited by images and thoughts of female authority, I really felt like it was just something that was wrong with me, and that I would eventually be able to get past this once I was established in my marriage and my life in general. But as I got older, the fantasies did not diminish, they only got more intense. So now I was very established in my career, I was active in my church, I had two children, a beautiful wife, but I felt increasingly like I was living a double-life. While I was faithful to my wife, and my exploration of pornography was very limited compared to what I have read from others on your pages, I still felt like I was hiding something that occupied so much of my waking thoughts.
I was made aware of your book because I was googling to look for the type of intelligent content on this subject that you ultimately provided. Even after reading everything on your site, I still did not act. I was terrified by what my wife would say if I tried to approach her with these ideas. I felt like I would be doing a bait and switch with her. Remember, we met at a church function. She is truly a classic soccer mom, and our marriage was, I thought, a very happy one.
Eventually I ordered your book. I was sort of surprised by the content. It's approach is so different from your site (in a good way). I think I would have ordered the book sooner had I understood how you pulled it all together. It gave me the confidence to go to her and tell her what I had been thinking for a very long time. I first tried to talk to her, but I couldn't get it right. She had so many questions and I felt like I didn't have a way to answer her that made me feel comfortable that I was really explaining myself. I told her to just read your book, which I honestly was not even sure that I was going to give her when I first decided to approach her. She did read it, and then she told me she wanted to discuss it on an upcoming weekend trip where her parents would be watching the kids.
One of the first things to come out of that conversation completely shocked me. It turned out that while I thought she was happy, she really was not. She felt that I was distant, not affectionate, didn't communicate well, and didn't appreciate all the work she did around the house and with the kids. While she was not thinking about leaving me, she was on the verge of confronting me about getting marriage counseling. She said that she was willing to try Around Her Finger, because she did think that she could see it fixing some of our problems. Her only hesitation was not that she thought it was weird, or inconsistent with her values or anything like that. Her hesitation was that she did not think it could last. She thought it was just a sexual fantasy and I would get over it and go back to the way things were.
We started our boot camp that evening. She had me strip and kneel in front of her. She started with a very modest list of household tasks for which she wanted me to be responsible. She told me that she expected me to be a better listener, to communicate more (to keep no secrets), and to obey her. We started 'orgasm management' that night. There's no doubt that nothing has been the same since. I think I didn't realize how much stronger our marriage could be before all this started.
Thank you for giving me the direction and the courage to act.
Unsigned
Aplogies in advance for the delay in getting this update posted. I have changed jobs recently and have been extremely busy managing the transition. Believe me, Emily and I value your letters ,and we look forward to the opportunity to post them this and every month.
Before getting to this month's letters, I just want to make a quick announcement:
For all the submissive men out there that are seeking an absolute no-risk way to bring up the topic of female-led relationships, your prayers might just have been answered.
Fox is launching a new show called When Women Rule the World. We are still waiting to see exactly when the show is expected to premier, but it is part of their new line-up for the upcoming season. This show may represent the single-best catalyst for any men still struggling with a way to breach the topic of loving female authority with their wives.
I suggest that any men that have not already done so order a hardcopy of one of our books prior to the premier, so it is avaible as the show opens up dialogue opportunities with you and your wives. We will showcase suggestions on how best to take advantage of this show as the on-air date nears, and we will almost certainly feature success stories after it comes out.
This show may end up being a mockering of loving female authority or an advocate for the cause, but again, it is the catalyst it will create for honest communication that we look forward to the most.
Ken
Our books and CD's are available at: http://www.lulu.com/aroundherfinger
Email questions directly to Emily at Emily (dot) Addison (@) gmail.com
Here is the announcement from the Fox TV site:
When Women Rule the World
Fox Television
What if it was “a woman’s world”? What if women made ALL the decisions? If men were their obedient subjects?
These questions and more will be explored when a group of strong, educated, independent women, tired of living in a man’s world and each with a personal axe to grind, rule over a group of unsuspecting men used to calling the shots on WHEN WOMEN RULE THE WORLD.
The unscripted series will reveal how women and men react in a world where women are in charge and men are subservient, and each gender’s ability to adapt to a new social order will be put to the test.
The participants will be brought to a remote, primitive location where the women will have the opportunity to “rule” as they build a newly formed society – one where there is no glass ceiling and no dressing to impress. For the men, their worlds of power and prestige are turned inside-out and upside-down. And for these women, turnabout is fair play!
In order to win, the men must accede to the women’s every demand, 24/7. Here, women command and men obey. Over the series’ duration, the men will be eliminated by the women until one last man is standing.
How will the men react? How will the women treat the men? Can women effectively rule society? Will the men learn what life is like for some women in today’s world? Will this new society be a Utopia or a hell on earth? And in the end, who will be man enough to succeed in the new social order?
Letters from Women
Dear Emily,
I'm emailing you because I can't seem to find anything that specifically applies to my situation anywhere on your websites or even any other websites I've looked on.
Here's my situation. I met a guy a few months ago and we immediately hit it off and from the beginning have been very open and honest with each other. About a month after we met, when we were dating but not exclusive, he brought up the concept of a female-led relationship. I was receptive and started doing some research on my own. Since then we've become exclusive and are figuring out ways to work female authority into our relationship. But since we are not married or living together and still in a new relationship, I have some thoughts and questions that are unique to our situation.
First, since we aren't living together (and frankly, not seeing each other very often right now because of a big work event for him), I'm not quite sure how to implement orgasm management effectively. Because opportunities for intimacy are fewer, I sometimes feel bad denying him an orgasm, especially if it's been a week or so since our last intimate encounter. I also don't always know when our next opportunity will be, and I don't want him to go too long without an orgasm and get frustrated. Also because we aren't living together, I've had to be more creative with the demands I place on him. There is no laundry or chores to do, so instead I send him on errands to buy me lingerie, have him cook me dinner, etc. I've also put together a budget for him (he has given me access to his finances). However, I feel like I'm really limited in the things I can demand from him, especially when he's extremely busy at work (which he is now). Is it unusual for couples to begin a relationship like this?
We've yet to build the history and depth of love that many of the married couples on the site have. We've placed a lot of trust in one another very quickly and while I feel like we are at the beginning of something amazing, I can't help but wonder and worry about the vulnerability and trust we've given to each other (especially him) without that background. We are hoping to build that history and love partially with the help of loving female authority. What do you think about this?
Thanks for your time. I'm not sure if I've put this all in a way that makes a lot of sense or is very organized, but I am really just kind of feeling my way through all of this!
Dana
Emily responds...
I was so pleased to read your letter. Your boyfriend's courage to discuss his desires and your willingness to explore this new relationship dynamic are a sign of good things to come for both of you. You have many questions in your letter, and I hope to address all of them, but let me first give you some thoughts on what I see as the bigger picture with you and your boyfriend.
Your problem right now is not that you have little time to practice loving female authority; your problem is that you have little time to spend together... period. Any new relationship demands that time be spent getting to know one another so that you can become comfortable with who someone is and what the two of you can ultimately come to depend on in each other. I worry that if the little time you have to spend in each other's company is too focussed on orgasm management and obedient service to your wishes, then you will not get to know him for what he is beyond his submissive nature. I think, however, that you know this already. I just wanted to highlite the point as it does seem pertinent to addressing your more specific questions.
So, with all that said, I think that there are things you can do in the short-term that will accomodate your shared desire to build a relationship that has loving female authority as a central pillar. Allow me to assume that for the time being, you are only seeing him on weekends. I do think that from an orgasm management perspective, it is very important that he not be allowed to climax while away from you. You know him better than I, but I believe that very few men can be trusted not to masturbate when away for a week at a time. You can ask him to check in with you every night via a phone call, but short of measures outside the scope of this site, I think that this may be the best you can do. In any event, a nightly phone call is a good thing while you are still struggling to know each other. I also suggest that you add a requirement that he compose a nightly email journal where he talks about his thoughts on a list of subjects provided by you. This can really help to jumpstart the process of getting to know him better.
When he does show up in person to see you, presumably on Friday nights, I would not suggest that this is the right time to let him off the hook in regard to his orgasm. If a lack of opportunity for intimacy is your concern, I would first want to ask what you mean by this. Are we talking about your need for emotional intimacy represented by intercourse, your need for sexual climax, or his need for sexual climax? I would tell you first to not worry about his needs for an orgasm. Believe me, his real needs are being met by the intense emotional intimacy that you provide with your loving female authority. While he does need physical intimacy from you, he does not need an orgasm. You, however, may need an orgasm, or you may desire intercourse -- and I want to address your needs -- but that doesn't mean you need to let him climax.
Instead, have him perform oral sex on you. This may be enough for you, but some women do need more. If you want intercourse, have him penetrate you but have him tell you in advance of an orgasm coming on so that you can stop him prior to climax. One technique that has been suggested is to use a vibrating ring that he can wear during lovemaking. The ring serves a double purpose. It helps him to control and prolong his orgasm, but more importantly, it provides an intense physical sensation that allows you to experience your own orgasm from the vibration of the toy. He can position himself inside you and then remain still, allowing the vibrating component to be pressed against your most sensitive area. Women find that this provides ample stimulation for their own orgasm, but men find it insufficient physical stimulation for their climax. However, because he is inside you, the intimacy that only intercourse can provide is achieved. These rings are commonly available at adult novelty stores.
Ultimately, he will have to experience release. The right time for him to climax might be on the Sunday night that ends your weekend together. Afterwards, give him some chore to do that begins rebuilding his submissive feelings that the orgasm is so likely to destroy. Have him give you a massage, or just rub your feet, and remind him that the orgasm you just allowed will be his last until he sees you again next weekend.
Before you send him off the next morning, be sure he has the list of subjects you are assigning him for his email journal. This should be an adequate expression of your authority while he is away. Do not feel obligated to work too hard to make your authority known. Your heart is in the right place, and believe me, he will not easily forget that you are in charge. This is particularly true since you are managing his finances. He does indeed trust you enormously since you have only known him a short time.
Dana, I hope that all of this has helped. Just remember that this dynamic is as much about you as it is about him. Balance his needs with the level of effort that you feel is appropriate and you will find a happy medium. Loving female authority can and does work for beginning couples. You will end up living proof. I am sure of it.
Note:
It is not my habit to provide personal responses in advance of their appearance on these updates pages, but in the case of Dana, I did just that. Dana was kind enough to send the following very thoughtful note. I am providing it below as Dana's approach to building her relationship by nurturing her boyfriend's submission exemplifies our own approach to loving female authority.
Emily,
Thank you so much for your thorough and extremely thoughtful response. You were able to address the issues and concerns that I wasn't able to articulate myself and have given me wonderful suggestions for moving forward with him.
Just to update you, we are working on making more time for one another. He has been going through a time where he's been working 80 hour weeks, making it difficult to see each other on a regular basis. When we do, the focus is not on obedience, but on other "vanilla" aspects of our lives and who we are, with loving female authority overtones. Our relationship began with and is based on who we are as people, but we both see loving female authority as a way to explore levels of intimacy and trust that neither of us has ever experienced before (he has never brought this up with any of his old girlfriends).
You have helped me gain more of the confidence and assurance I need in order to proceed with him in a firm, but loving way and I am looking forward to everything that is ahead of us.
Dana
-----
Emily,
My husband recently made me aware of your site. To be honest, I have reservations. I do not want to tell him what to do all the time. I am not his mother after all.
Unsigned
Emily responds...
Open your mind and your heart to what your husband is seeking. Realize that it took great courage for him to come forward to you with this suggestion. His desire to submit to you is first and foremost an expression of his love for you. Men have difficulty expressing their love, and loving female authority provides a mechanism for them to do this. I understand that this is uncomfortable for you. Men are often uncomfortable communicating, but the best of them overcome this in order to meet the emotional needs of their wife. Men are often uncomfortable being romantic, but the best of them step up to this challenge as well as they know it is important to their wives. This is your chance.
As to you not being his mother, believe me, I have heard this before. Yes, his mother was an authority figure that told him what to do. He likely had female teachers that also fit this bill, and maybe a female boss along the way. However, this is so far removed from what he seeks with you that the comparison holds no water. What he seeks from you is emotional and physical intimacy. He wants a greater level of opennes, communication sexuality in the relationship that he knows LFA, properly administered, can afford him. Your authority is a bridge to that intimacy, not an end in itself. Always remember that.
Letters from Men
Dear Ken,
I never thought I would be writing you with a success story of my own, but here I am. Not only did I succeed in introducing my interest in loving female authority to my wife, but we just celebrated the one year anniversary of our continued commitment to a wife-led marriage.
I met my wife at a church singles function almost ten years ago. We hit it off, having a great deal in common including a very traditional value system, and married within a year. While I had always known that I was sexually excited by images and thoughts of female authority, I really felt like it was just something that was wrong with me, and that I would eventually be able to get past this once I was established in my marriage and my life in general. But as I got older, the fantasies did not diminish, they only got more intense. So now I was very established in my career, I was active in my church, I had two children, a beautiful wife, but I felt increasingly like I was living a double-life. While I was faithful to my wife, and my exploration of pornography was very limited compared to what I have read from others on your pages, I still felt like I was hiding something that occupied so much of my waking thoughts.
I was made aware of your book because I was googling to look for the type of intelligent content on this subject that you ultimately provided. Even after reading everything on your site, I still did not act. I was terrified by what my wife would say if I tried to approach her with these ideas. I felt like I would be doing a bait and switch with her. Remember, we met at a church function. She is truly a classic soccer mom, and our marriage was, I thought, a very happy one.
Eventually I ordered your book. I was sort of surprised by the content. It's approach is so different from your site (in a good way). I think I would have ordered the book sooner had I understood how you pulled it all together. It gave me the confidence to go to her and tell her what I had been thinking for a very long time. I first tried to talk to her, but I couldn't get it right. She had so many questions and I felt like I didn't have a way to answer her that made me feel comfortable that I was really explaining myself. I told her to just read your book, which I honestly was not even sure that I was going to give her when I first decided to approach her. She did read it, and then she told me she wanted to discuss it on an upcoming weekend trip where her parents would be watching the kids.
One of the first things to come out of that conversation completely shocked me. It turned out that while I thought she was happy, she really was not. She felt that I was distant, not affectionate, didn't communicate well, and didn't appreciate all the work she did around the house and with the kids. While she was not thinking about leaving me, she was on the verge of confronting me about getting marriage counseling. She said that she was willing to try Around Her Finger, because she did think that she could see it fixing some of our problems. Her only hesitation was not that she thought it was weird, or inconsistent with her values or anything like that. Her hesitation was that she did not think it could last. She thought it was just a sexual fantasy and I would get over it and go back to the way things were.
We started our boot camp that evening. She had me strip and kneel in front of her. She started with a very modest list of household tasks for which she wanted me to be responsible. She told me that she expected me to be a better listener, to communicate more (to keep no secrets), and to obey her. We started 'orgasm management' that night. There's no doubt that nothing has been the same since. I think I didn't realize how much stronger our marriage could be before all this started.
Thank you for giving me the direction and the courage to act.
Unsigned
Ken responds...
You have only yourself to thank. Congratulations, I hope your letter inspires others.
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Hi Emily and Ken,
I introduced my wife to your website after much nail biting on my part, and so far she's very receptive to a female led relationship. My background: I'm a naturally submissive male, married with children to a naturally dominant woman (Hey Baby...if you're reading this :).
She has previously been uncomfortable with the dominant role, and I think it's because she has been thinking that I wanted a dominatrix....a fetish/role play thing. I myself have just recently come to realize that I'm looking for a FLR instead of just sex play. She has a dominant personality that's always been there, but she's just recently made me aware she's been supressing it. Shame, fear, not wanting to be too "bitchy", not wanting to drive me away. These, I think, are the reasons she's been supressing her dominant side. I'm submissive by nature and have been interested in this type of arrangement....wherein I serve and she commands.
When I saw your site several weeks ago, it all seemed to click. This isn't too outrageous and it's mutually beneficial...a win-win. I casually mentioned to my wife that I would love to have her manage my orgasms. She was very willing, and she has given me a list of chores (mostly cleaning) to finish. Then (hopefully) I'll be expected to keep up with the maintainence cleaning and dusting, the chores she absolutely wants done but can't stand to do. She is tying these chores to my orgasms, and I cannot tell you how much more enjoyable it has made the work.
What can I do to make sure this really works out? Any tips? I feel like our roles are becoming perfectly situated and I don't want to seem like I'm coming on too strong or anything. I'm not being over-the-top submissive like in some of the stories online, I'm just trying to be sincere in my submission and ensure that she doesn't shy away from her dominant side. For the last week we've both been enjoying it very much. I want it to last considerably longer!
Unsigned
Ken responds...
I wouldn't worry about it one bit. You are naturally submissive, she is naturally dominant, this is the sort of relationship that is, well... natural! Let her set the pace, let her take this where she wants to go. Just make sure that you are constantly communicating so that she will know what is working and what is not.
I am very confident you will grow together in this relationship for many, many years to come.
-----Our books and CD's are available at: http://www.lulu.com/aroundherfinger Email questions directly to Emily at Emily (dot) Addison (@) gmail.com
Friday, August 31, 2007
September 2007
Welcome to the September Updates
Welcome to the September updates. The summer is ending and we get ready to go back to a more domestic routine, spending more time inside the home and less outside.
This brings to mind an interesting article that was sent to me this week after having appeared in USA Today. It provides the results of a study from twenty-eight countries where couples were surveyed to see what percentage of the housework was done by the husband vs. the wife. The USA ranked eighth on this list, with men accounting for 37.3% of the total housework burden. Australia ranked first, but even in Australia men only performed a disappointing 39% of the total housework. Interestingly, married couples consistently saw men performing less housework than those of unmarried couples.
Clearly the survey missed the readers of this site. While few homes will see women doing none of the housework, we are not a lazy gender after all; wife-led marriages would certainly expect the majority of the domestic burden to fall on the male. This is not the centerpiece of what Around Her Finger relationships have to offer, but it is certainly a benefit that I am surprised more women do not seize upon.
The survey did not go on to ask those doing the bulk of the chores how much satisfaction they took from them. Had they stumbled across one of the husbands that submits to his wife’s authority, they could have gotten a treatise on the joy of service. After all, what submissive husband is not perfectly content when happily complying with his wife’s wishes to keep her home in perfect order?
Emily
***
As always, I encourage you to email me at (coded to avoid email bots):
Emily Dot Addison at Gmail Dot Com
Our books and CD’s are available at Lulu: http://www.lulu.com/aroundherfinger
Letters from Women
Dear Emily,I wanted to let you know how much I have enjoyed your web site and to tell you a little bit about how my marriage was transformed into one of “Loving Female Authority”.
In our courting days, and for a few years after our wedding, my husband was very loving to me. He would dote on me and do anything I asked of him. We would talk to each other regularly and tell each other whatever was going on in our lives. He’d call me from work each day to “check in”, and we made love three or four times a week.
But after 20 years of marriage, I came to the realization that my husband had turned into a lazy, self centered man, quite opposite from the man that I married. We rarely talked anymore, unless it was an argument, and our sex life was practically nonexistent. He spent all of his free time on the internet or watching sports, and never helped around the house. I gave up on him (and us) and retreated to my books, as I am an avid reader. I was considering a divorce until I accidentally discovered something about him that changed everything.
We were in the midst of an argument one evening about going to my girlfriend’s for a get together with her and her husband. I was getting dressed for the evening when my husband announced from the living room that he was going to stay home and watch the baseball game instead. I marched into the living room wearing only my underwear, and saw that he was already sitting on the floor leaning against the couch (his usual position) watching the game. I was furious with him, as this was my best friend, and we had planned this night many months beforehand because our schedules did not allow us to get together that often. I stood in front of him to block his view of the TV and started berating him about how he was not going to spoil our night, how he had turned into a selfish boring person, going on and on about how bad our marriage had turned out, blah, blah, blah.
It finally dawned on me that he was not looking up at me during this tirade, but was staring straight ahead at my semi-dressed body. This just got me more upset, thinking he wasn’t even listening to me. So I straddled his outstretched legs and moved myself in front of him, saying that if he wanted a better view, he was going to get it, but he’d better start listening to what I said. I started telling him that he was going with me as planned; that he was to act friendly and polite the whole evening; and that he was to immediately get dressed in the outfit I had picked out for him that was lying on the bed. Almost a minute passed in silence while my husband face was within inches from my panties, when I heard him say in a quiet voice “OK”. He got up, dressed, and we drove to my girlfriend’s house in silence.
I couldn’t believe my husband’s attitude adjustment that evening, as it was like he was his old self twenty years earlier. He was not only polite, but his sense of humor had returned, and he even volunteered to help with the dishes at the end of the meal. At one point he began holding my hand as we made conversation while sipping coffee. My girlfriend commented to me when we were alone about how “into” me he was. I mentioned to him while we were driving home that he seemed to enjoy the evening, and he told me that he had. My mind get bringing me back to my husband’s “dear in the headlights look” earlier in our living room. I decided I’d try to get that “look” back again to see if I could use it to my advantage.
When we arrived home, I suggested that he check on the baseball scores to see how his game went. After a few minutes, I again blocked his view to the TV, and slowly began to strip away my clothes until I was again clad in only my underwear. I straddled his legs once more; except that this time I moved so close to him that his face was barely touching my panties. I told him that he was to get up early the next morning and start cleaning out the garage, something I have been begging him to do for the past year. I told him to wake me up at 10:30 with a cup of coffee, but that he was to go right back to work. I also told him that I would have a listing of projects for him to complete over the weekend, so that when he finished the garage, he was to proceed through the list until they were all completed. His acceptance of my demands was obvious when he started to move his face back and forth against my panties.
His reaction prompted me to continue. I told him that he was to come up to the bedroom and give me oral sex like he used to, and to keep it up until I told him I had enough. He complied, and I found myself falling asleep from exhaustion after an hour of constant stimulation, not even thinking about the state I was leaving him in for the night.
He woke me up at the designated time with my cup of coffee in hand, telling me that he already finished the garage, and was starting on cleaning out the basement. He kissed me, told me that he loved me, and was on his way. I was amazed and amused at the same time, wondering what I had stumbled upon. Thus began my extensive internet search to figure out the how’s and why’s of what happened. After drudging through a long list of sites dedicated to female domination and ridiculous fantasies, I finally found "aroundherfinger.com". I read everything there was to offer, and was convinced that I found my answer.
In the same manner as before, I instructed my husband to read through the website and told him that we would be discussing his reaction in detail.. He confessed his submissiveness to me, and told me he found it to be extremely erotic for him, especially orgasm management. We have been devout followers of Loving Female Authority for the past two years, and I am so thankful for your website and all that you offer to couples like us.
Janice in California
Emily responds…
Janice, what a beautiful story you tell. It definitely qualified as letter of the month. I wonder how many unhappy marriages could use the shock treatment of stern female authority coupled with a sexually provocative pose or gesture. I am only sorry it took you so long to discover the secret to marital happiness that so many readers on this site enjoy.
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Dear Emily,
First let me tell you how happy I was to find your site. Although I have found useful information on other similar sites, yours is truly a wonderful beginner’s resource.
My husband introduced this idea to me in February of 2006 and for a lot of reasons it has been a long road to get even as short a distance to where we are now. For reasons I do not really know, I have always been pretty uptight when it comes to sex. I have never been abused, I am not overweight and I am reasonably attractive. I have always been told I have a nice body. I did develop a little early, so for a long time was in the habit of wearing baggy shirts and this developed into a habit of always wearing baggy clothes and whatever was comfortable. People were always very surprised to see me in a swim suit because my shape was so different. My parents had “the talk” with my sister and me but we didn't really talk about sex as a general rule. I lost my virginity at 17 to a boy I had been in a long term relationship with and I felt terrible afterward as though my dad would be disappointed in me.
I don’t know if any of that background will help, but I thought I would include it to put my story in perspective.
When my husband presented me with this idea, I was surprised but excited at the thought of getting more help around the house. My problem is that I cannot seem to completely commit to it. I give him a task list but don’t get too upset if he doesn’t finish. I forget to check his work. I let him have an orgasm before we reach the previously decided upon time. I have not been a dominant person in my life and there are times when I really don’t care about things and want him to decide. His one year anniversary of quitting smoking is coming up and he wants a weekend where I dictate what he does for every second. Why can’t I do that for him? Is it just laziness? It does seem like a lot of work.
I apologize for jumping all over the place. J I was hoping we could correspond because I do want this to work. I look forward to your reply and I thank you in advance.
Have a nice weekend.
Amy
Emily responds…
You do not jump all over the place at all. Your background was very helpful, and your letter was very clear. Your problem is one that many beginning LFA wives share. Being in control does not come naturally to you, yet you know it is important to your relationship with your husband that you become more dominant with him.
Your problem is very common. Your husband’s desire to have two weeks of an intense display of your authority is his way of dealing with the problem. He wants to experience the intense and consistent submission he so badly craves, and he thinks that getting you into a habit over fourteen days is the prescription for getting you over your reluctance. For some women, this two week period is exactly the prescription for success, but for you it may not be so simple.
In past updates, we have discussed the technique of using non-verbal cues to express your authority. You may, for example, be uncomfortable saying, “stop, don’t have an orgasm.” Yet you might be perfectly comfortable placing one of two marbles, one red and one green, in a small bowl beside your bed. If you chose to place the red marble in the bowl, he would know he was expected to stop himself before having an orgasm. If he saw the green marble he would know it was ok to have the orgasm. You could then build your comfort level through a series of non-verbal cues. Maybe successfully completing a series of tasks on a to-do list allows him the privilege of golfing with his friends. At the bottom of the list simply write “no golf until completed” and he will understand the consequences.
I do feel as though you will grow more comfortable with your position as head of the household over time. Just stick with it and identify very tangible behavioral changes that you really desire from him. You should be getting something out of all of this as much as he expects to find his own satisfaction, so always keep your own needs top of mind.
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Dear Emily,
Could it possibly be that I'm just not cut out to be dominant? Even though we've been trying this a while, it still doesn't feel natural to me.
Sincerely,
Kate
Emily responds…
Your question is such a perfect follow up to the last letter.
Let me ask you, are you getting everything out of your marriage that you want? Are you satisfied with the amount of affection your husband provides you, the level at which you communicate with him, the amount of housework that he does? You know that I feel very strongly that for the wives of submissive men, open and frequent demonstrations of your authority will lead you to all of these things. If you already have them, perhaps it is because he gives them to you as a result of your current efforts. If you do not have them, then the path to achieving them is in your hands.
It is not simply a question of you being naturally dominant or not. It is a question of filling a need that your husband has clearly expressed to you. You, if you are like most women, need romance, intimacy and communication from him. He needs love from you in the form of expressions of your control in the relationship. If you feel uncomfortable with verbalizing your authority, tap into some of the suggestions I offered in my response above.
Take things as slowly as you need to take them, but step forward in a direction that I believe will work for both of you. Please stay in touch as I want to know that your comfort level and your relationship will grow as I suspect it will.
---
Emily:
I hope you are well.
I was curious about your reply concerning the disobedient husband in your August update. Were you suggesting he have his orgasm “managed” for a month? This seems extreme based on how I have read your previous responses, but I personally like the idea. Especially early in the relationship, strict discipline seems in order.
Did I misread your reply?
Love,
Paula
Emily responds…
Generally, I think a month is too long, and he is likely to become grumpy as he approaches two weeks. This runs the risk of being counterproductive. As I have said before, orgasm management requires ongoing communication and an ability on behalf of the wife to sense what time frames work best.
However, my answer in the August update was in regard to punishment. While a man might be expected to go through cycles where he is less attentive to his responsibilities than he is expected to be, I also believe that outright disobedience should not be tolerated. A man should obey his wife, period, end of story. In the event that does not, all bets are off and measures ordinarily considered extreme might warrant consideration.
Letters from Men
Dear Ken,
My wife and I have been a wife-led relationship now for about nine months, and your book was an instrumental part at the beginning. We had been married many years and had three young kids and my wife and I had always had a very great loving relationship that made us the envy of other couples, but we were arguing more and more and starting to drift apart a bit.
The big problems were that my wife felt she had lost a lot of her identify and power being mostly a stay at home mom (part-time work) and was often pretty tired and stressed out from the kids and the housework. I was pretty devoted to my job and was terrible at getting home on time or communicating when I would be late. Also my sex drive was a lot stronger than hers and I could have had sex twice a day, where her level was more like twice a week. Also we would have blowout fights with increasing frequency every few months or weeks, and the topic would usually be sex. I would look at internet porn a lot and try to bring fantasies to life through her by putting a lot pressure on her. She wasn't willing to give in very often and so we would have a blowout.
Eventually it was clear we were not headed in a good direction, and after both of us threatened to leave in one of the fights, I finally started seeing the light. I realized that at the core of most of the arguments was that I wanted to have her give in to me and let me dominate her, and she wasn't willing to do that. In one of the arguments I yelled at her, asking her why she wasn't willing to do these things for me if she loved me, and I argued that I was willing to do anything sexually for her. Later, after the worst argument, I spent a lot time thinking about what we both said. It occurred to me that if I was really willing to do anything she wanted, and she wasn't willing to do everything I wanted, and also if she wasn't willing to give in to overall, then perhaps I should just try flipping it all around. It occurred to me that I should try giving in to her. I read a few websites and came across the idea of orgasm management by women. When I thought about giving control to my wife and especially giving her authority over when I climaxed, I knew it would solve many problems all at once, and if I couldn't get her to submit to me, then perhaps I could learn to do so for her.
I wish I had found your book and website first, but the tact I tried did work.
I tried giving her a lot of massages before having sex and found that we both liked that. Also I had pressured her so much, that I helped encourage her to fantasize while we had sex, but told her she didn't have to tell me what she was thinking about. She liked the freedom of that. Then after I had done something to upset her one day, I offered her a "Queen for the day" day, where I would do everything - all the housework, make all the meals, etc.. She jumped at the idea.
After a very short time she was having a great time watching me work and learning to relax. Just before dinner she was sitting on the couch sipping a glass of wine while I made dinner and was waiting on her, and she started to tease me and call me the servant boy and fully accepted the role of Queen. Well, I discovered that it kept me excited all day to treat her like that - what a charge. I discovered your site and everything sort of clicked for me.
I decided that I should go for it and try this with my wife. I started doing more massages, then offered her another "Queen for a day" day. She got into it even more and teased a lot, so I did it again the next day. When it was clear she was enjoying it, I went ahead and told her that I thought this was something we should try to address some of the problems in the relationship. I told her I would let her be in charge and treat her like a Queen and she could even be in charge of my orgasms - I would stop looking at porn on the internet and have it just be about her. She was skeptical to the extreme. She didn't believe I could do it, and she was afraid that if I did, I would hold it over head and make her feel guilty about all I was doing for her. But she said she thought she deserved more respect, and she thought it might be fun for a while.
Well we started trying, and man, was it electric! I was so hot for her, and she was in control of when I could orgasm. We had the best sex ever, and she got into the head of the household role quickly and expertly. But she still didn't trust me, and rightly so. It took about three to four months for me to stop trying to lead. I kept trying to get her to read things and kept trying to make suggestions on how she could do it better. Then she read your book after about three months, and I think that helped her to feel like she could really make this work.
I think the approach of the two women giving each other advice was a perfect way to present it. It made a lot of sense to her and she tried it. She picked up the teasing a lot and tried a bit of “management” and boy did it work. But really since that time, what has evolved is that I really can't make any suggestion or try to lead at all. If I do, she simply puts what I push for on the list of things she won't do. It shuts me up pretty quickly. Now we haven't had an argument in nine months and we feel so much closer and more in love. We feel like we did when we first moved in together, but of course with the difference that we have fifteen years of shared experiences to make us even closer.
Now the things we are struggling with are just a few. For me, I have learned to be patient about waiting for orgasms - it’s her choice now. I love the feeling of desire and now if anything an orgasm is almost a let down of the intense desire, affection and love I feel almost every day. I don't suggest things or try to steer - I accept her authority to lead in the bedroom and out of the bedroom - she has the final word on everything, and she has total creative control of what we do for our sex life. She also has much more confidence inside and outside the bedroom. She does better with being authoritative in all aspects of her life. She has started her own business, and she has now gone back to get her masters. She can do that since I do most of the housework, give her massages every other night, and work normal hours and am wiling to shift my schedule or take a day off now and then to accommodate her schedule.
My struggle is just that now after I haven't had an orgasm for a week or more, then I start craving more authority and more physical expressions of her authority. That is a little difficult at times because she has made it clear that she doesn't want me to ask for things - I did way too much of that and put too much pressure/guilt on her for years, and this is my penance. I'm trying to be patient and view this as really a higher form of authority from her - she is making it clear what she wants and making sure she gets it. I really respect that, but it’s still so hard to keep my mouth shut and let her move at her pace. It’s clear she knows what things I like, but it’s also clear that it’s better if I stay quiet - else she is LESS likely to do those things. If I stay quiet and am patient, then when she is in the mood to try something she will and it blows me away. But really, everything she does blows me away now - her touch is electric, her smell intoxicating. All my responses are now strongly keyed to her and her alone. It's all about her needs and wants now, not mine, but it’s so damn hard to learn to be patient.
Anyway, thank you so much for your wonderful book and thanks for playing a part in helping us both discover and accept this really fantastic new spin on our relationship. Maybe relationships need to be reinvented every so often. For us this sure has been a supercharge!
WR
Ken responds…
You are right when you say “it’s all about her needs and wants now,” but you are also right when you say “it’s so damn hard to be patient.” However, patient is just what you need to be. Remember, you are so much happier now that she is in charge. Could you imagine going back to your relationship the way it was before?
The main thing that you two need is to continue to communicate. Emily, in reading your letter, suggests that your wife may find that the relationship works better when your wife makes an effort to get your input on decisions, etc. in the home rather than punishing you for letting your opinion me known. I would not personally presume to tell your wife what to do, but perhaps you should have a talk where you make it clear that the decisions are of course hers, but you would just like to have an opportunity to express your opinion – respectfully – as one data point for her to consider.
Finally, you seem very analytical. Do not worry about why this works, just know it does and be grateful you have discovered it. Sometimes we are too inquisitive for our own good.
-----
Dear Ken,
I’m remarrying at the end of the year. She is wonderful, but different (of course) than my late wife who — once she internalized the idea — took to a wife-led marriage like a duck to water. She realized that a wife-led marriage could be fun, and that she didn’t have to resort to stereotypical behavior associated with all the images of dominant women in popular culture which did not appeal to either of us anyway.
Anyway, I’m trying to figure out what to tell my fiancé. I won’t get into her past marriage except to say that she learned not to ask for much or even to expect it to be a co-partnership, much less wife led. It can be hard for her to tell me what’s on her mind, either because she doesn’t want to bother me or because “it’s not your problem.” I don’t mean to make it sound as if we don’t communicate, because we do. She’s still getting used to the idea that her husband (me, in four months) can be a source of support.
Apologies for unburdening and thanks so much for listening. I look forward to reading your book.
Best wishes to you both,
Paul
Ken responds…
While you look forward to reading our book, you should look forward to your fiancé reading it even more. It all begins with communication. As most men on this site understand, nothing will happen unless you bring up the conversation. Unburden to us all you want, but open up to your fiance as well.
Best of luck with your upcoming marriage.
Welcome to the September updates. The summer is ending and we get ready to go back to a more domestic routine, spending more time inside the home and less outside.
This brings to mind an interesting article that was sent to me this week after having appeared in USA Today. It provides the results of a study from twenty-eight countries where couples were surveyed to see what percentage of the housework was done by the husband vs. the wife. The USA ranked eighth on this list, with men accounting for 37.3% of the total housework burden. Australia ranked first, but even in Australia men only performed a disappointing 39% of the total housework. Interestingly, married couples consistently saw men performing less housework than those of unmarried couples.
Clearly the survey missed the readers of this site. While few homes will see women doing none of the housework, we are not a lazy gender after all; wife-led marriages would certainly expect the majority of the domestic burden to fall on the male. This is not the centerpiece of what Around Her Finger relationships have to offer, but it is certainly a benefit that I am surprised more women do not seize upon.
The survey did not go on to ask those doing the bulk of the chores how much satisfaction they took from them. Had they stumbled across one of the husbands that submits to his wife’s authority, they could have gotten a treatise on the joy of service. After all, what submissive husband is not perfectly content when happily complying with his wife’s wishes to keep her home in perfect order?
Emily
***
As always, I encourage you to email me at (coded to avoid email bots):
Emily Dot Addison at Gmail Dot Com
Our books and CD’s are available at Lulu: http://www.lulu.com/aroundherfinger
Letters from Women
Dear Emily,I wanted to let you know how much I have enjoyed your web site and to tell you a little bit about how my marriage was transformed into one of “Loving Female Authority”.
In our courting days, and for a few years after our wedding, my husband was very loving to me. He would dote on me and do anything I asked of him. We would talk to each other regularly and tell each other whatever was going on in our lives. He’d call me from work each day to “check in”, and we made love three or four times a week.
But after 20 years of marriage, I came to the realization that my husband had turned into a lazy, self centered man, quite opposite from the man that I married. We rarely talked anymore, unless it was an argument, and our sex life was practically nonexistent. He spent all of his free time on the internet or watching sports, and never helped around the house. I gave up on him (and us) and retreated to my books, as I am an avid reader. I was considering a divorce until I accidentally discovered something about him that changed everything.
We were in the midst of an argument one evening about going to my girlfriend’s for a get together with her and her husband. I was getting dressed for the evening when my husband announced from the living room that he was going to stay home and watch the baseball game instead. I marched into the living room wearing only my underwear, and saw that he was already sitting on the floor leaning against the couch (his usual position) watching the game. I was furious with him, as this was my best friend, and we had planned this night many months beforehand because our schedules did not allow us to get together that often. I stood in front of him to block his view of the TV and started berating him about how he was not going to spoil our night, how he had turned into a selfish boring person, going on and on about how bad our marriage had turned out, blah, blah, blah.
It finally dawned on me that he was not looking up at me during this tirade, but was staring straight ahead at my semi-dressed body. This just got me more upset, thinking he wasn’t even listening to me. So I straddled his outstretched legs and moved myself in front of him, saying that if he wanted a better view, he was going to get it, but he’d better start listening to what I said. I started telling him that he was going with me as planned; that he was to act friendly and polite the whole evening; and that he was to immediately get dressed in the outfit I had picked out for him that was lying on the bed. Almost a minute passed in silence while my husband face was within inches from my panties, when I heard him say in a quiet voice “OK”. He got up, dressed, and we drove to my girlfriend’s house in silence.
I couldn’t believe my husband’s attitude adjustment that evening, as it was like he was his old self twenty years earlier. He was not only polite, but his sense of humor had returned, and he even volunteered to help with the dishes at the end of the meal. At one point he began holding my hand as we made conversation while sipping coffee. My girlfriend commented to me when we were alone about how “into” me he was. I mentioned to him while we were driving home that he seemed to enjoy the evening, and he told me that he had. My mind get bringing me back to my husband’s “dear in the headlights look” earlier in our living room. I decided I’d try to get that “look” back again to see if I could use it to my advantage.
When we arrived home, I suggested that he check on the baseball scores to see how his game went. After a few minutes, I again blocked his view to the TV, and slowly began to strip away my clothes until I was again clad in only my underwear. I straddled his legs once more; except that this time I moved so close to him that his face was barely touching my panties. I told him that he was to get up early the next morning and start cleaning out the garage, something I have been begging him to do for the past year. I told him to wake me up at 10:30 with a cup of coffee, but that he was to go right back to work. I also told him that I would have a listing of projects for him to complete over the weekend, so that when he finished the garage, he was to proceed through the list until they were all completed. His acceptance of my demands was obvious when he started to move his face back and forth against my panties.
His reaction prompted me to continue. I told him that he was to come up to the bedroom and give me oral sex like he used to, and to keep it up until I told him I had enough. He complied, and I found myself falling asleep from exhaustion after an hour of constant stimulation, not even thinking about the state I was leaving him in for the night.
He woke me up at the designated time with my cup of coffee in hand, telling me that he already finished the garage, and was starting on cleaning out the basement. He kissed me, told me that he loved me, and was on his way. I was amazed and amused at the same time, wondering what I had stumbled upon. Thus began my extensive internet search to figure out the how’s and why’s of what happened. After drudging through a long list of sites dedicated to female domination and ridiculous fantasies, I finally found "aroundherfinger.com". I read everything there was to offer, and was convinced that I found my answer.
In the same manner as before, I instructed my husband to read through the website and told him that we would be discussing his reaction in detail.. He confessed his submissiveness to me, and told me he found it to be extremely erotic for him, especially orgasm management. We have been devout followers of Loving Female Authority for the past two years, and I am so thankful for your website and all that you offer to couples like us.
Janice in California
Emily responds…
Janice, what a beautiful story you tell. It definitely qualified as letter of the month. I wonder how many unhappy marriages could use the shock treatment of stern female authority coupled with a sexually provocative pose or gesture. I am only sorry it took you so long to discover the secret to marital happiness that so many readers on this site enjoy.
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Dear Emily,
First let me tell you how happy I was to find your site. Although I have found useful information on other similar sites, yours is truly a wonderful beginner’s resource.
My husband introduced this idea to me in February of 2006 and for a lot of reasons it has been a long road to get even as short a distance to where we are now. For reasons I do not really know, I have always been pretty uptight when it comes to sex. I have never been abused, I am not overweight and I am reasonably attractive. I have always been told I have a nice body. I did develop a little early, so for a long time was in the habit of wearing baggy shirts and this developed into a habit of always wearing baggy clothes and whatever was comfortable. People were always very surprised to see me in a swim suit because my shape was so different. My parents had “the talk” with my sister and me but we didn't really talk about sex as a general rule. I lost my virginity at 17 to a boy I had been in a long term relationship with and I felt terrible afterward as though my dad would be disappointed in me.
I don’t know if any of that background will help, but I thought I would include it to put my story in perspective.
When my husband presented me with this idea, I was surprised but excited at the thought of getting more help around the house. My problem is that I cannot seem to completely commit to it. I give him a task list but don’t get too upset if he doesn’t finish. I forget to check his work. I let him have an orgasm before we reach the previously decided upon time. I have not been a dominant person in my life and there are times when I really don’t care about things and want him to decide. His one year anniversary of quitting smoking is coming up and he wants a weekend where I dictate what he does for every second. Why can’t I do that for him? Is it just laziness? It does seem like a lot of work.
I apologize for jumping all over the place. J I was hoping we could correspond because I do want this to work. I look forward to your reply and I thank you in advance.
Have a nice weekend.
Amy
Emily responds…
You do not jump all over the place at all. Your background was very helpful, and your letter was very clear. Your problem is one that many beginning LFA wives share. Being in control does not come naturally to you, yet you know it is important to your relationship with your husband that you become more dominant with him.
Your problem is very common. Your husband’s desire to have two weeks of an intense display of your authority is his way of dealing with the problem. He wants to experience the intense and consistent submission he so badly craves, and he thinks that getting you into a habit over fourteen days is the prescription for getting you over your reluctance. For some women, this two week period is exactly the prescription for success, but for you it may not be so simple.
In past updates, we have discussed the technique of using non-verbal cues to express your authority. You may, for example, be uncomfortable saying, “stop, don’t have an orgasm.” Yet you might be perfectly comfortable placing one of two marbles, one red and one green, in a small bowl beside your bed. If you chose to place the red marble in the bowl, he would know he was expected to stop himself before having an orgasm. If he saw the green marble he would know it was ok to have the orgasm. You could then build your comfort level through a series of non-verbal cues. Maybe successfully completing a series of tasks on a to-do list allows him the privilege of golfing with his friends. At the bottom of the list simply write “no golf until completed” and he will understand the consequences.
I do feel as though you will grow more comfortable with your position as head of the household over time. Just stick with it and identify very tangible behavioral changes that you really desire from him. You should be getting something out of all of this as much as he expects to find his own satisfaction, so always keep your own needs top of mind.
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Dear Emily,
Could it possibly be that I'm just not cut out to be dominant? Even though we've been trying this a while, it still doesn't feel natural to me.
Sincerely,
Kate
Emily responds…
Your question is such a perfect follow up to the last letter.
Let me ask you, are you getting everything out of your marriage that you want? Are you satisfied with the amount of affection your husband provides you, the level at which you communicate with him, the amount of housework that he does? You know that I feel very strongly that for the wives of submissive men, open and frequent demonstrations of your authority will lead you to all of these things. If you already have them, perhaps it is because he gives them to you as a result of your current efforts. If you do not have them, then the path to achieving them is in your hands.
It is not simply a question of you being naturally dominant or not. It is a question of filling a need that your husband has clearly expressed to you. You, if you are like most women, need romance, intimacy and communication from him. He needs love from you in the form of expressions of your control in the relationship. If you feel uncomfortable with verbalizing your authority, tap into some of the suggestions I offered in my response above.
Take things as slowly as you need to take them, but step forward in a direction that I believe will work for both of you. Please stay in touch as I want to know that your comfort level and your relationship will grow as I suspect it will.
---
Emily:
I hope you are well.
I was curious about your reply concerning the disobedient husband in your August update. Were you suggesting he have his orgasm “managed” for a month? This seems extreme based on how I have read your previous responses, but I personally like the idea. Especially early in the relationship, strict discipline seems in order.
Did I misread your reply?
Love,
Paula
Emily responds…
Generally, I think a month is too long, and he is likely to become grumpy as he approaches two weeks. This runs the risk of being counterproductive. As I have said before, orgasm management requires ongoing communication and an ability on behalf of the wife to sense what time frames work best.
However, my answer in the August update was in regard to punishment. While a man might be expected to go through cycles where he is less attentive to his responsibilities than he is expected to be, I also believe that outright disobedience should not be tolerated. A man should obey his wife, period, end of story. In the event that does not, all bets are off and measures ordinarily considered extreme might warrant consideration.
Letters from Men
Dear Ken,
My wife and I have been a wife-led relationship now for about nine months, and your book was an instrumental part at the beginning. We had been married many years and had three young kids and my wife and I had always had a very great loving relationship that made us the envy of other couples, but we were arguing more and more and starting to drift apart a bit.
The big problems were that my wife felt she had lost a lot of her identify and power being mostly a stay at home mom (part-time work) and was often pretty tired and stressed out from the kids and the housework. I was pretty devoted to my job and was terrible at getting home on time or communicating when I would be late. Also my sex drive was a lot stronger than hers and I could have had sex twice a day, where her level was more like twice a week. Also we would have blowout fights with increasing frequency every few months or weeks, and the topic would usually be sex. I would look at internet porn a lot and try to bring fantasies to life through her by putting a lot pressure on her. She wasn't willing to give in very often and so we would have a blowout.
Eventually it was clear we were not headed in a good direction, and after both of us threatened to leave in one of the fights, I finally started seeing the light. I realized that at the core of most of the arguments was that I wanted to have her give in to me and let me dominate her, and she wasn't willing to do that. In one of the arguments I yelled at her, asking her why she wasn't willing to do these things for me if she loved me, and I argued that I was willing to do anything sexually for her. Later, after the worst argument, I spent a lot time thinking about what we both said. It occurred to me that if I was really willing to do anything she wanted, and she wasn't willing to do everything I wanted, and also if she wasn't willing to give in to overall, then perhaps I should just try flipping it all around. It occurred to me that I should try giving in to her. I read a few websites and came across the idea of orgasm management by women. When I thought about giving control to my wife and especially giving her authority over when I climaxed, I knew it would solve many problems all at once, and if I couldn't get her to submit to me, then perhaps I could learn to do so for her.
I wish I had found your book and website first, but the tact I tried did work.
I tried giving her a lot of massages before having sex and found that we both liked that. Also I had pressured her so much, that I helped encourage her to fantasize while we had sex, but told her she didn't have to tell me what she was thinking about. She liked the freedom of that. Then after I had done something to upset her one day, I offered her a "Queen for the day" day, where I would do everything - all the housework, make all the meals, etc.. She jumped at the idea.
After a very short time she was having a great time watching me work and learning to relax. Just before dinner she was sitting on the couch sipping a glass of wine while I made dinner and was waiting on her, and she started to tease me and call me the servant boy and fully accepted the role of Queen. Well, I discovered that it kept me excited all day to treat her like that - what a charge. I discovered your site and everything sort of clicked for me.
I decided that I should go for it and try this with my wife. I started doing more massages, then offered her another "Queen for a day" day. She got into it even more and teased a lot, so I did it again the next day. When it was clear she was enjoying it, I went ahead and told her that I thought this was something we should try to address some of the problems in the relationship. I told her I would let her be in charge and treat her like a Queen and she could even be in charge of my orgasms - I would stop looking at porn on the internet and have it just be about her. She was skeptical to the extreme. She didn't believe I could do it, and she was afraid that if I did, I would hold it over head and make her feel guilty about all I was doing for her. But she said she thought she deserved more respect, and she thought it might be fun for a while.
Well we started trying, and man, was it electric! I was so hot for her, and she was in control of when I could orgasm. We had the best sex ever, and she got into the head of the household role quickly and expertly. But she still didn't trust me, and rightly so. It took about three to four months for me to stop trying to lead. I kept trying to get her to read things and kept trying to make suggestions on how she could do it better. Then she read your book after about three months, and I think that helped her to feel like she could really make this work.
I think the approach of the two women giving each other advice was a perfect way to present it. It made a lot of sense to her and she tried it. She picked up the teasing a lot and tried a bit of “management” and boy did it work. But really since that time, what has evolved is that I really can't make any suggestion or try to lead at all. If I do, she simply puts what I push for on the list of things she won't do. It shuts me up pretty quickly. Now we haven't had an argument in nine months and we feel so much closer and more in love. We feel like we did when we first moved in together, but of course with the difference that we have fifteen years of shared experiences to make us even closer.
Now the things we are struggling with are just a few. For me, I have learned to be patient about waiting for orgasms - it’s her choice now. I love the feeling of desire and now if anything an orgasm is almost a let down of the intense desire, affection and love I feel almost every day. I don't suggest things or try to steer - I accept her authority to lead in the bedroom and out of the bedroom - she has the final word on everything, and she has total creative control of what we do for our sex life. She also has much more confidence inside and outside the bedroom. She does better with being authoritative in all aspects of her life. She has started her own business, and she has now gone back to get her masters. She can do that since I do most of the housework, give her massages every other night, and work normal hours and am wiling to shift my schedule or take a day off now and then to accommodate her schedule.
My struggle is just that now after I haven't had an orgasm for a week or more, then I start craving more authority and more physical expressions of her authority. That is a little difficult at times because she has made it clear that she doesn't want me to ask for things - I did way too much of that and put too much pressure/guilt on her for years, and this is my penance. I'm trying to be patient and view this as really a higher form of authority from her - she is making it clear what she wants and making sure she gets it. I really respect that, but it’s still so hard to keep my mouth shut and let her move at her pace. It’s clear she knows what things I like, but it’s also clear that it’s better if I stay quiet - else she is LESS likely to do those things. If I stay quiet and am patient, then when she is in the mood to try something she will and it blows me away. But really, everything she does blows me away now - her touch is electric, her smell intoxicating. All my responses are now strongly keyed to her and her alone. It's all about her needs and wants now, not mine, but it’s so damn hard to learn to be patient.
Anyway, thank you so much for your wonderful book and thanks for playing a part in helping us both discover and accept this really fantastic new spin on our relationship. Maybe relationships need to be reinvented every so often. For us this sure has been a supercharge!
WR
Ken responds…
You are right when you say “it’s all about her needs and wants now,” but you are also right when you say “it’s so damn hard to be patient.” However, patient is just what you need to be. Remember, you are so much happier now that she is in charge. Could you imagine going back to your relationship the way it was before?
The main thing that you two need is to continue to communicate. Emily, in reading your letter, suggests that your wife may find that the relationship works better when your wife makes an effort to get your input on decisions, etc. in the home rather than punishing you for letting your opinion me known. I would not personally presume to tell your wife what to do, but perhaps you should have a talk where you make it clear that the decisions are of course hers, but you would just like to have an opportunity to express your opinion – respectfully – as one data point for her to consider.
Finally, you seem very analytical. Do not worry about why this works, just know it does and be grateful you have discovered it. Sometimes we are too inquisitive for our own good.
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Dear Ken,
I’m remarrying at the end of the year. She is wonderful, but different (of course) than my late wife who — once she internalized the idea — took to a wife-led marriage like a duck to water. She realized that a wife-led marriage could be fun, and that she didn’t have to resort to stereotypical behavior associated with all the images of dominant women in popular culture which did not appeal to either of us anyway.
Anyway, I’m trying to figure out what to tell my fiancé. I won’t get into her past marriage except to say that she learned not to ask for much or even to expect it to be a co-partnership, much less wife led. It can be hard for her to tell me what’s on her mind, either because she doesn’t want to bother me or because “it’s not your problem.” I don’t mean to make it sound as if we don’t communicate, because we do. She’s still getting used to the idea that her husband (me, in four months) can be a source of support.
Apologies for unburdening and thanks so much for listening. I look forward to reading your book.
Best wishes to you both,
Paul
Ken responds…
While you look forward to reading our book, you should look forward to your fiancé reading it even more. It all begins with communication. As most men on this site understand, nothing will happen unless you bring up the conversation. Unburden to us all you want, but open up to your fiance as well.
Best of luck with your upcoming marriage.
Wednesday, August 01, 2007
August 2007
Welcome to the August Updates
Welcome to the August updates. While we are fighting the heat and unusually busy demands of the season, we are aware that we are not the only ones distracted by the summer. So as always, we see modest traffic declines to our site in the summer months. This is also reflected in similar slumps in book sales, letters to our updates section and, to a degree, even the subject and tone of these letters. So this said, we hope that your commitment to moving forward with your female-led relationships remains strong and does not undergo the same seasonal declines. Loving female authority works best as a permanent, ongoing dynamic.
As always, I encourage you to email me at (coded to avoid email bots):
Emily Dot Addison At Gmail Dot Com
Our books and CD’s are available at Lulu: http://www.lulu.com/aroundherfinger
Letters from Women
Emily,
It was about three months ago that something happened that initiated a series of events that ultimately led me to your site and your methods.
My husband and I both had pretty terrible weeks at work. We had planned on going out to dinner on that Friday night. We were planning on going to a special restaurant that I had really wanted to try, but he arrived home at 7:05, five minutes late for a 7:00 reservation all the way across town. He did not answer his cell phone during the hour prior to coming home.
Both of us are ordinarily very calm, collected people. I seldom show my temper. This night, however, it was different. He got home, and I let him have it. I told him that for now on, I was going to start getting more of what I wanted in the relationship. I told him I had been happy to let him make most of the decisions in the home, but now it was going to be different. I was going to be in charge.
To my surprise, he didn’t argue back. He just sat there. I became angry, I suppose, at the fact that he wasn’t engaging me. I told him to fix me some dinner and bring it to me in the bedroom. About thirty minutes later he came back into the bedroom with one of my favorite pasta dishes and a glass of wine. I was now sitting up in bed reading. He set the pasta and wine on the nightstand beside me. Then he went into the closet and picked up the hamper of dirty clothes. Without saying anything, he took it into the basement and got the laundry started.
When he came back upstairs he asked if there was anything else he could do. Now you have to understand that at this point I really didn’t know what was happening. I thought it most likely that he was going over the top as a spiteful reaction to my outburst. I really had no idea that he was a closet submissive and that my outburst had actually triggered something in him that he found irresistible. So again, thinking it was spite, I told him to go ahead and get some lotion to rub my feet. So there I was, eating dinner in bed while my husband sat at the foot of the bed rubbing lotion between my toes! I now was curious as to how far I could take this.
When I finished eating I took off my clothes and rolled over on my stomach telling him that I wanted a full body massage. This he did, but not before he dimmed the lights and lit a candle. I then said nothing as he gave me one of the best massages of my life. At this point, I didn’t care if it was spite or not, I was enjoying all this too much to complain. Later that night we made love (no orgasm management involved), and it was great. He was very generous, and as I recall, I had to pull him up from me so that we could move from his giving me oral sex to intercourse.
The following weeks saw a more moderated replay of that night. He had definitely changed attitudes. All he would say is that I was right, and he had been a little selfish in the relationship. Again, I didn’t care to delve any deeper as I was happy with the situation.
Shortly after all of this occurred; I went out of town with a girlfriend of mine for a baby shower of a mutual friend. On the ride up, I shared the story of my husband’s sudden change with my friend. She told me that she thought my husband was submissive. As I said, this had never occurred to me, but my friend was very serious. She did not have any personal experience with male submission, but she knew a friend that had once confided to her that they had a wife-led marriage. Her friend’s marriage was, quite frankly, much more intense that what your site seems to advise. It involved [all sort of activity]. I really didn’t think I was ready to hear about, and I didn’t know that my husband was either (although now I know that there is nothing related to this subject about which he did not know). She suggested I look up some stuff on the internet, and if I felt comfortable, she would even put me in touch with her friend.
The content I found on the internet wasn’t helpful at all as it was mostly pornography. Given that I got nowhere with the internet, my friend arranged a call with this other woman. She seemed perfectly nice, and we agreed to get together for lunch. My first impression was that she was normal. She was older than me, but she could have been the woman sitting next to me in church, or standing in front of me at the grocery store check-out. As I got to know her, I learned that she had been married for twenty-three years, but only leading a wife-led marriage for about the last four years. Before that, they had the same modestly dysfunctional, “Leave it to Beaver” marriage that most of us middle-class suburbanites have. He worked; she stayed home with the kids. When the last of the kids went off to college, they started getting a bit more creative in their sexuality, and that is when her husband told her about his interest in male submission. He had shown her [a different site], but suggested that I start by looking at yours. In listening to me, she agreed that my husband seemed to be submissive, and she thought I would be most comfortable starting, and maybe staying, with the model for loving female authority that you offer.
In her own marriage, she was not at all reluctant to try this with her husband. She does admit, however, that she misunderstood it at first. She believed it was just a sexual fantasy, and did not understand how deeply ingrained it was in his personality. She also admitted that she was surprised by how she had responded to his submission and her newfound authority. She has grown comfortable in her role in the relationship, and her expectations for his obedience have been matched only by her increasing willingness to explore new limits and push beyond her old inhibitions. I have since met her husband, and I can honestly tell you that they are among the happiest couples I have ever met, and their devotion to each other is amazing.
When I went home that day, I poured over your site. I read every last letter in your blog, and was determined to formalize my role in the marriage as you suggested. I bought my husband your book and had him read it. He pretended he was unfamiliar with your site, but I have since learned he was also a fan. The weekend after I gave him the book we had our own heart to heart about what my expectations would be for him for now on. He knelt in front of me to pleasure me, and this unselfish act seemed to give him his own pleasure that was almost narcotic.
That night, [we started orgasm management] and [I have had absolute control of his orgasms] ever since. We have experimented with techniques and activities we have found on other sites, but it is your fundamental principles that ground our relationship in love, trust and a commitment to each other’s happiness.
Thank you again, Emily, for everything that you do.
Beth in Western Pennsylvania
Emily responds…
Beth, your letter is beautiful and a light to others that seek the same happiness. Take this relationship wherever you want to go. Nobody knows what is best for you and your husband better than you.
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Dear Emily,
My husband bought me your book, and I reluctantly agreed to the boot camp. To my surprise, I really liked it. That is actually an understatement. I really loved it. My problem now is that he is not always as obedient as I would hope. There are little things like having to be reminded to get around to my laundry, vacuuming, etc. These I think I can deal with. But last weekend he went a little further.
I had left the house early on Saturday to go to a flea market with some friends. He wanted to go to the lake with a friend of his that had offered to take him and some other guys out skiing. I told him that this was fine with me so long as he finished some chores that I had given him to do. It was not much to do on the list. I asked him to pick up my dry cleaning, wash my car, and move some boxes from the garage to the basement. Well, when I got home, none of these things were done. He had gone to the lake without doing anything I asked, and he came home late. It was after dinner which caused me to have to prepare my own meal. Plus, the bed was not made and dirty dishes had been left in the sink.
I am curious as to how you would recommend that I should have responded to all of this.
Unsigned
Emily responds…
Sometimes it is difficult to control our tempers, and for me, this would have been one of those times. That said, I consider his behavior outrageous. He should obey every command to the best of his ability and never indulge his boyish desire to run off with his friends while your instructions go ignored. You had been very generous to allow him to go to the lake, and it sounds like your conditions were very reasonable. I get fed up very quickly with men that want loving female authority on their own terms.
So, tempers aside, let me tell you what I think you should have done given that your patience allows for a calm and collected attitude. I think that when your husband returned home, you should have calmly told him to go into the bedroom, remove his clothes, and return to kneel in front of you. You should have expressed your dissatisfaction in simple, straightforward terms. You should have reminded him that it was him who suggested a wife-led marriage, and that your expectations were that he would live up to his commitment to obey your authority in the home. You would also inform him that there will be consequences for his disobedience.
I believe that reasonable consequences include the following:
• He will not be permitted any outside activities for one month. If there was something coming up that he was really anticipating, this should definitely be taken away.
• For the next month, he will be expected to wake up one hour early every day, including weekends, so that he can do additional chores of your choosing.
• While you expect an increase in the number of massages and demands for oral intimacy from him over the next month, he can expect to receive no orgasms. I have already emailed you separately as to a way to be certain that he is not cheating on this requirement.
• He will keep a journal, beginning immediately, where he can write down his thoughts and feelings as the month progresses. You can pull this journal out in the future to remind him of his month of punishment if minor infractions begin to build.
Be very committed to following through on this discipline as it is really for his own good.
Letters from Men
Dear Ken,
My wife and I have been experimenting with a female led marriage for about a year, off and on. The reason I am sending this message is because she would like advice in reference to discipline. She is very good at delegating tasks and showing disapproval, yet she is unsure of effective methods of discipline.
If you could advise us, it would be extremely helpful in our success.
Thank you,
Unsigned
Ken responds…..
First, I would suggest you take a look at the letter that Emily wrote in the “Letters from Women” section above that addresses this same topic. I have written my response below before seeing hers, and we decided to keep both in this update.
I suppose that even the most submissive male will occasionally try to get away with something. Perhaps he will sneak off to take orgasm management into his own hands, or maybe he will just be slack in his housework duties, or in a moment of frustration, forget his place in a conversation with his wife. Also, I have been involved with this site long enough to know that some men actually seek out the discipline of their wives. This is a part of their own submissive wiring and there is no doubt that the administering of discipline, regardless of the form, reinforces the hierarchy in the relationship in a way that many men find comforting.
Fortunately, discipline techniques can take on many roles and allow the wife a very wide range of options to fit her comfort level. We advise that most wives use the orgasm management process to reinforce discipline, but this is only a starting point. If she feels that this is not working, or worse, that her husband is manipulating her to modify the pace and pattern of the orgasms he is allowed to receive, then she should explore other options. Genuine behavioral changes are best made by taking away something important to the husband… perhaps a round of golf or the privilege of watching a favorite television show. More intense, and less conventional, forms of punishment might also be discussed. Some of these I would tend to classify as “recreational discipline” and are more about reinforcing roles than actually modifying behavior.
In any case, I feel that it is best for the relationship if the husband avoids the bad habit of actively seeking out discipline. We should all be obedient to the wishes our wives and genuinely accept their control. It is the sincere desire to serve reinforced by outward reminders of her authority and the careful moderation of our sexual release that is the underpinning of a successful female-led relationship.
-----
Dear Ken,
Okay, I'm starting to get it. My last email to you was a bit of a rant because things weren't progressing as I had hoped after giving my wife the AHF book and even confessing, although generically, my desires for her to be head of our household. Then when you posted my letter last month you warned me not to get ahead of myself. I know now that this is a slow process but my hard work is worth the effort. It's actually been four months since I started stealth submission and slowly brought the idea to my wife. We are moving forward and things are getting to where I think we would both be happier.
Thank you for your advice, I will take it slowly and not get discouraged (even though it is taking her forever to read the book!!)
Mark
Ken responds...
Thank you for the update. Please keep them coming. All wives are not going to be able to throw a switch and understand what has been inside your head forever, nevermind responding to it in the way that you seek. As you say, this takes time. Continue to be patient, but also be brave when she comes to you with questions. Let her know how important this is to you and make sure that you remain committed to her service and to improved communication so that she can see the benefits that it provides to her as well as you.
As she finishes reading the book, she will get more clarity. You are well on your way.
-----
Dear Ken,
My wife does not feel comfortable controlling my orgasms. I don't know if that is an accurate description or not. She is always wanting me to have one, but I am uncomfortable bringing up the fact that I think I climax too much since it is supposed to be her decision. She has been very receptive to the idea of taking complete control, but I am afraid she is missing out on some of the rewards that others benefit from.
I know not many males would see this as a problem but for some reason I do. I struggle with not making this about me, but this is a foundation in your book so I am confused.
Any advice would be welcomed.
Justin
Ken responds…
I do understand that women are uncomfortable with this element of loving female authority. Women, for all their wisdom and natural advantages over men, have a hard time understanding the impact that intimacy without orgasm has on men. They cannot be inside of our heads and understand the sudden, dramatic impact that a climax has on our brain chemistry. Our site tries to communicate this, and you have also tried to do so on your own, but absent this first hand understanding, I understand your wife’s reluctance.
I suggest a couple of things. One, the book and archives of this letters update include a number of ways to make management of orgasms into a bit of a game. These might make it a little easier for her to ease into the process. Also, the orgasm management panties (yes, I know that sounds crazy) that we were selling on Café Press are still available. You can find them here. We have gotten a surprising amount of positive feedback on these. She can just wear them, and without saying a word, let you know that she will be getting an orgasm and you will not. (Note that these are not on the standard Around Her Finger merchandise site which is located here.
Our books and CD’s are available at Lulu: http://www.lulu.com/aroundherfinger.
Welcome to the August updates. While we are fighting the heat and unusually busy demands of the season, we are aware that we are not the only ones distracted by the summer. So as always, we see modest traffic declines to our site in the summer months. This is also reflected in similar slumps in book sales, letters to our updates section and, to a degree, even the subject and tone of these letters. So this said, we hope that your commitment to moving forward with your female-led relationships remains strong and does not undergo the same seasonal declines. Loving female authority works best as a permanent, ongoing dynamic.
As always, I encourage you to email me at (coded to avoid email bots):
Emily Dot Addison At Gmail Dot Com
Our books and CD’s are available at Lulu: http://www.lulu.com/aroundherfinger
Letters from Women
Emily,
It was about three months ago that something happened that initiated a series of events that ultimately led me to your site and your methods.
My husband and I both had pretty terrible weeks at work. We had planned on going out to dinner on that Friday night. We were planning on going to a special restaurant that I had really wanted to try, but he arrived home at 7:05, five minutes late for a 7:00 reservation all the way across town. He did not answer his cell phone during the hour prior to coming home.
Both of us are ordinarily very calm, collected people. I seldom show my temper. This night, however, it was different. He got home, and I let him have it. I told him that for now on, I was going to start getting more of what I wanted in the relationship. I told him I had been happy to let him make most of the decisions in the home, but now it was going to be different. I was going to be in charge.
To my surprise, he didn’t argue back. He just sat there. I became angry, I suppose, at the fact that he wasn’t engaging me. I told him to fix me some dinner and bring it to me in the bedroom. About thirty minutes later he came back into the bedroom with one of my favorite pasta dishes and a glass of wine. I was now sitting up in bed reading. He set the pasta and wine on the nightstand beside me. Then he went into the closet and picked up the hamper of dirty clothes. Without saying anything, he took it into the basement and got the laundry started.
When he came back upstairs he asked if there was anything else he could do. Now you have to understand that at this point I really didn’t know what was happening. I thought it most likely that he was going over the top as a spiteful reaction to my outburst. I really had no idea that he was a closet submissive and that my outburst had actually triggered something in him that he found irresistible. So again, thinking it was spite, I told him to go ahead and get some lotion to rub my feet. So there I was, eating dinner in bed while my husband sat at the foot of the bed rubbing lotion between my toes! I now was curious as to how far I could take this.
When I finished eating I took off my clothes and rolled over on my stomach telling him that I wanted a full body massage. This he did, but not before he dimmed the lights and lit a candle. I then said nothing as he gave me one of the best massages of my life. At this point, I didn’t care if it was spite or not, I was enjoying all this too much to complain. Later that night we made love (no orgasm management involved), and it was great. He was very generous, and as I recall, I had to pull him up from me so that we could move from his giving me oral sex to intercourse.
The following weeks saw a more moderated replay of that night. He had definitely changed attitudes. All he would say is that I was right, and he had been a little selfish in the relationship. Again, I didn’t care to delve any deeper as I was happy with the situation.
Shortly after all of this occurred; I went out of town with a girlfriend of mine for a baby shower of a mutual friend. On the ride up, I shared the story of my husband’s sudden change with my friend. She told me that she thought my husband was submissive. As I said, this had never occurred to me, but my friend was very serious. She did not have any personal experience with male submission, but she knew a friend that had once confided to her that they had a wife-led marriage. Her friend’s marriage was, quite frankly, much more intense that what your site seems to advise. It involved [all sort of activity]. I really didn’t think I was ready to hear about, and I didn’t know that my husband was either (although now I know that there is nothing related to this subject about which he did not know). She suggested I look up some stuff on the internet, and if I felt comfortable, she would even put me in touch with her friend.
The content I found on the internet wasn’t helpful at all as it was mostly pornography. Given that I got nowhere with the internet, my friend arranged a call with this other woman. She seemed perfectly nice, and we agreed to get together for lunch. My first impression was that she was normal. She was older than me, but she could have been the woman sitting next to me in church, or standing in front of me at the grocery store check-out. As I got to know her, I learned that she had been married for twenty-three years, but only leading a wife-led marriage for about the last four years. Before that, they had the same modestly dysfunctional, “Leave it to Beaver” marriage that most of us middle-class suburbanites have. He worked; she stayed home with the kids. When the last of the kids went off to college, they started getting a bit more creative in their sexuality, and that is when her husband told her about his interest in male submission. He had shown her [a different site], but suggested that I start by looking at yours. In listening to me, she agreed that my husband seemed to be submissive, and she thought I would be most comfortable starting, and maybe staying, with the model for loving female authority that you offer.
In her own marriage, she was not at all reluctant to try this with her husband. She does admit, however, that she misunderstood it at first. She believed it was just a sexual fantasy, and did not understand how deeply ingrained it was in his personality. She also admitted that she was surprised by how she had responded to his submission and her newfound authority. She has grown comfortable in her role in the relationship, and her expectations for his obedience have been matched only by her increasing willingness to explore new limits and push beyond her old inhibitions. I have since met her husband, and I can honestly tell you that they are among the happiest couples I have ever met, and their devotion to each other is amazing.
When I went home that day, I poured over your site. I read every last letter in your blog, and was determined to formalize my role in the marriage as you suggested. I bought my husband your book and had him read it. He pretended he was unfamiliar with your site, but I have since learned he was also a fan. The weekend after I gave him the book we had our own heart to heart about what my expectations would be for him for now on. He knelt in front of me to pleasure me, and this unselfish act seemed to give him his own pleasure that was almost narcotic.
That night, [we started orgasm management] and [I have had absolute control of his orgasms] ever since. We have experimented with techniques and activities we have found on other sites, but it is your fundamental principles that ground our relationship in love, trust and a commitment to each other’s happiness.
Thank you again, Emily, for everything that you do.
Beth in Western Pennsylvania
Emily responds…
Beth, your letter is beautiful and a light to others that seek the same happiness. Take this relationship wherever you want to go. Nobody knows what is best for you and your husband better than you.
-----
Dear Emily,
My husband bought me your book, and I reluctantly agreed to the boot camp. To my surprise, I really liked it. That is actually an understatement. I really loved it. My problem now is that he is not always as obedient as I would hope. There are little things like having to be reminded to get around to my laundry, vacuuming, etc. These I think I can deal with. But last weekend he went a little further.
I had left the house early on Saturday to go to a flea market with some friends. He wanted to go to the lake with a friend of his that had offered to take him and some other guys out skiing. I told him that this was fine with me so long as he finished some chores that I had given him to do. It was not much to do on the list. I asked him to pick up my dry cleaning, wash my car, and move some boxes from the garage to the basement. Well, when I got home, none of these things were done. He had gone to the lake without doing anything I asked, and he came home late. It was after dinner which caused me to have to prepare my own meal. Plus, the bed was not made and dirty dishes had been left in the sink.
I am curious as to how you would recommend that I should have responded to all of this.
Unsigned
Emily responds…
Sometimes it is difficult to control our tempers, and for me, this would have been one of those times. That said, I consider his behavior outrageous. He should obey every command to the best of his ability and never indulge his boyish desire to run off with his friends while your instructions go ignored. You had been very generous to allow him to go to the lake, and it sounds like your conditions were very reasonable. I get fed up very quickly with men that want loving female authority on their own terms.
So, tempers aside, let me tell you what I think you should have done given that your patience allows for a calm and collected attitude. I think that when your husband returned home, you should have calmly told him to go into the bedroom, remove his clothes, and return to kneel in front of you. You should have expressed your dissatisfaction in simple, straightforward terms. You should have reminded him that it was him who suggested a wife-led marriage, and that your expectations were that he would live up to his commitment to obey your authority in the home. You would also inform him that there will be consequences for his disobedience.
I believe that reasonable consequences include the following:
• He will not be permitted any outside activities for one month. If there was something coming up that he was really anticipating, this should definitely be taken away.
• For the next month, he will be expected to wake up one hour early every day, including weekends, so that he can do additional chores of your choosing.
• While you expect an increase in the number of massages and demands for oral intimacy from him over the next month, he can expect to receive no orgasms. I have already emailed you separately as to a way to be certain that he is not cheating on this requirement.
• He will keep a journal, beginning immediately, where he can write down his thoughts and feelings as the month progresses. You can pull this journal out in the future to remind him of his month of punishment if minor infractions begin to build.
Be very committed to following through on this discipline as it is really for his own good.
Letters from Men
Dear Ken,
My wife and I have been experimenting with a female led marriage for about a year, off and on. The reason I am sending this message is because she would like advice in reference to discipline. She is very good at delegating tasks and showing disapproval, yet she is unsure of effective methods of discipline.
If you could advise us, it would be extremely helpful in our success.
Thank you,
Unsigned
Ken responds…..
First, I would suggest you take a look at the letter that Emily wrote in the “Letters from Women” section above that addresses this same topic. I have written my response below before seeing hers, and we decided to keep both in this update.
I suppose that even the most submissive male will occasionally try to get away with something. Perhaps he will sneak off to take orgasm management into his own hands, or maybe he will just be slack in his housework duties, or in a moment of frustration, forget his place in a conversation with his wife. Also, I have been involved with this site long enough to know that some men actually seek out the discipline of their wives. This is a part of their own submissive wiring and there is no doubt that the administering of discipline, regardless of the form, reinforces the hierarchy in the relationship in a way that many men find comforting.
Fortunately, discipline techniques can take on many roles and allow the wife a very wide range of options to fit her comfort level. We advise that most wives use the orgasm management process to reinforce discipline, but this is only a starting point. If she feels that this is not working, or worse, that her husband is manipulating her to modify the pace and pattern of the orgasms he is allowed to receive, then she should explore other options. Genuine behavioral changes are best made by taking away something important to the husband… perhaps a round of golf or the privilege of watching a favorite television show. More intense, and less conventional, forms of punishment might also be discussed. Some of these I would tend to classify as “recreational discipline” and are more about reinforcing roles than actually modifying behavior.
In any case, I feel that it is best for the relationship if the husband avoids the bad habit of actively seeking out discipline. We should all be obedient to the wishes our wives and genuinely accept their control. It is the sincere desire to serve reinforced by outward reminders of her authority and the careful moderation of our sexual release that is the underpinning of a successful female-led relationship.
-----
Dear Ken,
Okay, I'm starting to get it. My last email to you was a bit of a rant because things weren't progressing as I had hoped after giving my wife the AHF book and even confessing, although generically, my desires for her to be head of our household. Then when you posted my letter last month you warned me not to get ahead of myself. I know now that this is a slow process but my hard work is worth the effort. It's actually been four months since I started stealth submission and slowly brought the idea to my wife. We are moving forward and things are getting to where I think we would both be happier.
Thank you for your advice, I will take it slowly and not get discouraged (even though it is taking her forever to read the book!!)
Mark
Ken responds...
Thank you for the update. Please keep them coming. All wives are not going to be able to throw a switch and understand what has been inside your head forever, nevermind responding to it in the way that you seek. As you say, this takes time. Continue to be patient, but also be brave when she comes to you with questions. Let her know how important this is to you and make sure that you remain committed to her service and to improved communication so that she can see the benefits that it provides to her as well as you.
As she finishes reading the book, she will get more clarity. You are well on your way.
-----
Dear Ken,
My wife does not feel comfortable controlling my orgasms. I don't know if that is an accurate description or not. She is always wanting me to have one, but I am uncomfortable bringing up the fact that I think I climax too much since it is supposed to be her decision. She has been very receptive to the idea of taking complete control, but I am afraid she is missing out on some of the rewards that others benefit from.
I know not many males would see this as a problem but for some reason I do. I struggle with not making this about me, but this is a foundation in your book so I am confused.
Any advice would be welcomed.
Justin
Ken responds…
I do understand that women are uncomfortable with this element of loving female authority. Women, for all their wisdom and natural advantages over men, have a hard time understanding the impact that intimacy without orgasm has on men. They cannot be inside of our heads and understand the sudden, dramatic impact that a climax has on our brain chemistry. Our site tries to communicate this, and you have also tried to do so on your own, but absent this first hand understanding, I understand your wife’s reluctance.
I suggest a couple of things. One, the book and archives of this letters update include a number of ways to make management of orgasms into a bit of a game. These might make it a little easier for her to ease into the process. Also, the orgasm management panties (yes, I know that sounds crazy) that we were selling on Café Press are still available. You can find them here. We have gotten a surprising amount of positive feedback on these. She can just wear them, and without saying a word, let you know that she will be getting an orgasm and you will not. (Note that these are not on the standard Around Her Finger merchandise site which is located here.
Our books and CD’s are available at Lulu: http://www.lulu.com/aroundherfinger.
Monday, July 02, 2007
July 2007
Welcome to the July Updates
Welcome to the July updates. Ken and I are getting ready to head to the beach for the 4th of July holiday. We hope that all of our American readers are looking forward to spending a little time off this week as well. To our growing community of European (and other international) readers, we hope you also make the best of whatever time you are taking off this summer to enjoy each others’ company and grow closer in your relationships.
As always, I encourage you to email me at (coded to avoid email bots):
Emily Dot Addison At Gmail Dot Com
Our books and CD’s are available at Lulu: http://www.lulu.com/aroundherfinger
Letters from Women
Dear Emily,
Some wives wear sexy lingerie to add a little spice to their marriage. While I was interested in adding a little spice to my own marriage, it turned out that telling my husband that I expected him to obey me worked just a little better than the lingerie! My only regret was that after he gave me your book it took me a full three months before I got around to reading it. I wish I could get those three months back.
I am amazed at how he responds when I [exercise authority over him]. It has such a powerful effect on him that I know the weight of his keeping this secret from me must have been all but unbearable. Around Her Finger gave us a chance to test how much we trust each other, our openness to understanding each the other’s feelings, and our willingness to explore new things to make the other happy.
I feel very lucky that your book and site were there to guide the way to what is now a stronger more loving marriage than ever before.
Ann in Philadelphia
Emily responds…
You only lost three months. Some couples lose a lifetime because the husband never musters the courage to come forward as your husband did. I am very happy for both of you.
-----
Dear Emily,
Please accept the gratitude of one more woman who now has a stronger, healthier marriage thanks to your site. The promises of a closer overall relationship have all been met and exceeded by the methods in your book.
I hope it is not too much for your letters section if I tell you that one of the unexpected consequences of loving female authority is that I feel I have opened up and become a less inhibited lover. I am willing to try new things, many of which I have discovered I really enjoy. I think this has come in large part because I feel free to focus on my physical pleasure and no longer feel that I need to hurry up and focus on returning the favor. I now understand how my own sexual gratification and my frequent withholding of his physical satisfaction really does bring him a very different kind of pleasure than our old sex life afforded him. For him, it is not just the quick physical pleasure of an orgasm; it is a mental and emotional state of well-being that can last for days.
Part of my new uninhibited nature is that husband now buys me new “toys” on a regular basis. Now as we sit together in the evenings watching TV, I’ll often ask him to go bring out something from the toy box. I have him strip naked to use the toys on me, but he knows that I’ll be the only one having an orgasm. Afterwards, he cleans me up with a warm towel and cuddles, still naked, next to me on the couch. I will stroke him very slowly and kiss him on his neck and ears to extend the intensity and duration of his “orgasm management”. It is the days following these toy sessions that he is the most doting and affectionate husband on the planet. I reward him by having him go down on me or letting him spend long hours [kissing my bottom], something he enjoys, oddly enough, above just about anything else. Depending on my mood, I typically follow this with a chance for him to have an orgasm of his own, but not always. I like to keep him guessing. It’s all so much fun!
Again, I hope I haven’t overstepped the boundaries of language for your letters section. I just thought that our experience might be of interest.
Unsigned
Emily responds…
A little careful pruning and I think your letter was not at all too much for the website. In fact, I enjoyed your letter very much. I really appreciate when wives write specific details of the steps they take to manage orgasms.
Your toys are wonderful for many reasons. One, it is nice to send your husband to do a little shopping on your behalf. Also, they reinforce to your husband that your physical pleasure can be achieved independent of his own.
Incidentally, your husband’s fascination with bottom kissing (my edit), is extremely common in submissive men. Most women learn to love the attention.
-----
Dear Emily,
If I “manage” my husband’s orgasm, it seems that it only really has an impact on his behavior for about a day or two at the most. This isn’t working. Any suggestions?
Unsigned
Emily responds…
Readers should know that we have exchanged a number of emails following the one published above. I then followed this up with a conversation with you and your husband separately, and then one together. Your problem has two basic origins.
The first is your behavior following your periods of intimacy with your husband in which you would subsequently not permit him to have his own orgasm. I think you would agree that you would like this to happen about once a week, and then put the whole dynamic on autopilot thereafter. However, the hours and days that followed your intimacy did not see you taking proactive steps to intensify and prolong his arousal. You need to use verbal cues that reinforce your position of authority, teasing kisses, and gentle stroking of his own intimate regions to keep his brain chemistry coasting at the same peak levels that follow the initial episode. I think you were comfortable enough with the wife-led marriage dynamic to say “stop before you climax”, but not comfortable enough to continue nursing it with ongoing and repeated flexing of your sexuality. Be bold, and his submissive nature will do most of the work for you.
Secondly, however, is that your husband was being a bit manipulative.
I should point out, and not for the first time, that some have accused this entire dynamic of being based on male manipulation. In a very small sense I would concede this. However, this is ultimately a very symbiotic relationship in which both parties get what they want. The wife gets a closer, more intimate relationship with her husband and a household more responsive to her needs. The husband seeks a greater level of sexuality in the relationship and an opportunity to express his adoration for his wife through submitting to her authority. She very likely would not have sought out a relationship like this on her own, so in bringing a desire for this relationship forward and in asking that she be active in the dynamic, I suppose the husband could be accused of being manipulative. However, the husband enters into the relationship with the understanding that she will continue to overtly express her role in the relationship. He knows that submitting without her participation (ongoing expressions of her authority and management of his orgasms) will not work for him. It is the wife’s continuing requirement to live up to these responsibilities that some would call manipulative. I would just call it an open and honest discussion of his feelings, but I will leave judgment up to the reader.
You husband, however, was going a step further. Following the fact that you as the wife were not providing adequate expressions of your sexuality and authority, he should have simply spoken to you about his concerns. He, however, reacted by being grouchy and difficult when he was not getting what he needed. This is typical, but not acceptable.
Fortunately, all can be easily remedied by your playing a more active role in the dynamic. Also, as we discussed on the telephone, there are some more passive actions that you can take to prolong his submissive energy. They are a bit outside of the scope of what we typically discuss in this forum, but I think you agreed that you are ready to take these steps in your relationship.
Best of luck and please keep in touch.
Letters from Men
The following letter is a follow up from a reader that posted last month:
Dear Ken,
Well I did it.
I've been practicing stealth submission for two months now, and on Sunday night after our guests left, I found enough courage (cocktails) to give her your book. I don't think that she has read it yet, but she has been taking the remote and this morning told me to "fetch" a Diet Pepsi out of the garage for her.
I feel liberated!
I had been so apprehensive to bring up the subject or to give her your book, but now I think that she will really embrace the idea! In fact I think that it may be what she wants too. The first time that I hinted about this to my wife was over ten years ago, but we never had the conversation. I wish I had had your book and your website back then; we would have had a lot less arguments and a better marriage.
Thank you for everything you do.
Mark
Ken responds…
Great news! Let me give you one caution, however. Do not expect things to move too quickly. Be prepared to let things take their normal course at a pace that is comfortable for her. Remember that just because you have been thinking about this your entire life, the ideas are brand new to your wife.
It is very likely that you will be taking three steps forward and two steps back for a long time. Be absolutely certain to give her the space she needs to feel comfortable with the changes, but also be resolute in your service, devotion and obedience. Above all else communicate. If two weeks of stepping backwards take place, follow this up with a conversation. Make it sincere, discuss topics other than just your submission, and end it with an acknowledgement that her pace and her comfort are your primary concerns.
Over time, she will continue to grow comfortable in her position of loving authority over you.
-----
Dear Ken,
I had read your site a month or so ago, but was re-reading again last night, and I somewhat laughed at some of the information.
It is like we men in this situation follow this “unwritten” template on trying to approach our spouses about this. I did write a note to my spouse about our relationship (married 15 years, 2 kids 12 and 13 years old) and maybe we need to change it up. She did read it and did not get mad at me about it, but she did say that she did not really agree with some of it. She also said that it sounded like a lot of work.
During this same time, I stepped up my attention towards her, things I do for her, and things around the house. She even commented how nice it was a few days into it, but I do not think she has been able to make that connection on how that type behavior, or lifestyle as she called it, can be achieved with not that much more effort. I think it is more a changing of roles, and maybe it is a lot more effort. I also think the term lifestyle has a negative connotation, associated with a more over the top element of female authority, which is not where either one of us want to go.
But like I was saying, I found myself taking a similar path to some of the experiences that you shared. So I think my next step will be to point my wife to your site and see what happens. It is somewhat of a fine line of how much to push and when to do that, as I do not want to turn her off. When and if my wife changes her mind, I know that she relies on what she reads a lot. I can tell her the same thing that she might read, but if she reads it, then it means much more to her.
Your site does a great job of explaining things to a couple involved in a normal everyday relationship and marriage and helps explain the way a man might ask or express these feelings. I have always felt that I was an OK communicator, but I definitely fail in areas like this. I think it is that fear of rejection or the feeling of possible embarrassment that I might feel if my wife not only rejects the notion, but somehow later thinks I am a little “off.”
Sorry that I rambled on here, but I am not sure that you have seen this type email before.
Thanks for reading,
Pat
Ken responds…
Pat, this is a wonderful letter. I think it is also funny how so many husbands sit around and agonize over the same difficult notions of how to deal with their submissive nature. Hopefully this site affords those individuals a sense of community, so at least we all realize that we are not alone. It is particularly good to know that others share our fear of rejection and, as you say, our fear that we will be considered a little “off”.
I feel very confident that everything will work out for you and your wife. The other thing about this community is that we share not only our anxieties, but also our successes. Soon you will join the growing group of men for whom their anxiety is in the past, and their service to their wives is in the future.
Finally, Emily and I also reject the “lifestyle” terminology. This is not a lifestyle; it is merely one component of a healthy relationship.
-----
Dear Ken,
I have been going back and forth on whether or not to buy my wife your book for a long time. Finally, I went ahead and bought the book (Around Her Finger). My biggest surprise was how different it was from the site. I don’t mean this in a bad way. What I mean is that the same ideas from the site are presented in the context of the fictional story, and it all comes together so brilliantly that by the end, it would be hard for any woman not to be genuinely excited about trying this out.
I’m giving her the book this weekend. Hopefully my next letter is a success story.
Matt in Richmond, VA
Ken responds…
I am very confident that it will. Thank you for the kind words about the book. Our books and CD’s are available at Lulu: http://www.lulu.com/aroundherfinger
Welcome to the July updates. Ken and I are getting ready to head to the beach for the 4th of July holiday. We hope that all of our American readers are looking forward to spending a little time off this week as well. To our growing community of European (and other international) readers, we hope you also make the best of whatever time you are taking off this summer to enjoy each others’ company and grow closer in your relationships.
As always, I encourage you to email me at (coded to avoid email bots):
Emily Dot Addison At Gmail Dot Com
Our books and CD’s are available at Lulu: http://www.lulu.com/aroundherfinger
Letters from Women
Dear Emily,
Some wives wear sexy lingerie to add a little spice to their marriage. While I was interested in adding a little spice to my own marriage, it turned out that telling my husband that I expected him to obey me worked just a little better than the lingerie! My only regret was that after he gave me your book it took me a full three months before I got around to reading it. I wish I could get those three months back.
I am amazed at how he responds when I [exercise authority over him]. It has such a powerful effect on him that I know the weight of his keeping this secret from me must have been all but unbearable. Around Her Finger gave us a chance to test how much we trust each other, our openness to understanding each the other’s feelings, and our willingness to explore new things to make the other happy.
I feel very lucky that your book and site were there to guide the way to what is now a stronger more loving marriage than ever before.
Ann in Philadelphia
Emily responds…
You only lost three months. Some couples lose a lifetime because the husband never musters the courage to come forward as your husband did. I am very happy for both of you.
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Dear Emily,
Please accept the gratitude of one more woman who now has a stronger, healthier marriage thanks to your site. The promises of a closer overall relationship have all been met and exceeded by the methods in your book.
I hope it is not too much for your letters section if I tell you that one of the unexpected consequences of loving female authority is that I feel I have opened up and become a less inhibited lover. I am willing to try new things, many of which I have discovered I really enjoy. I think this has come in large part because I feel free to focus on my physical pleasure and no longer feel that I need to hurry up and focus on returning the favor. I now understand how my own sexual gratification and my frequent withholding of his physical satisfaction really does bring him a very different kind of pleasure than our old sex life afforded him. For him, it is not just the quick physical pleasure of an orgasm; it is a mental and emotional state of well-being that can last for days.
Part of my new uninhibited nature is that husband now buys me new “toys” on a regular basis. Now as we sit together in the evenings watching TV, I’ll often ask him to go bring out something from the toy box. I have him strip naked to use the toys on me, but he knows that I’ll be the only one having an orgasm. Afterwards, he cleans me up with a warm towel and cuddles, still naked, next to me on the couch. I will stroke him very slowly and kiss him on his neck and ears to extend the intensity and duration of his “orgasm management”. It is the days following these toy sessions that he is the most doting and affectionate husband on the planet. I reward him by having him go down on me or letting him spend long hours [kissing my bottom], something he enjoys, oddly enough, above just about anything else. Depending on my mood, I typically follow this with a chance for him to have an orgasm of his own, but not always. I like to keep him guessing. It’s all so much fun!
Again, I hope I haven’t overstepped the boundaries of language for your letters section. I just thought that our experience might be of interest.
Unsigned
Emily responds…
A little careful pruning and I think your letter was not at all too much for the website. In fact, I enjoyed your letter very much. I really appreciate when wives write specific details of the steps they take to manage orgasms.
Your toys are wonderful for many reasons. One, it is nice to send your husband to do a little shopping on your behalf. Also, they reinforce to your husband that your physical pleasure can be achieved independent of his own.
Incidentally, your husband’s fascination with bottom kissing (my edit), is extremely common in submissive men. Most women learn to love the attention.
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Dear Emily,
If I “manage” my husband’s orgasm, it seems that it only really has an impact on his behavior for about a day or two at the most. This isn’t working. Any suggestions?
Unsigned
Emily responds…
Readers should know that we have exchanged a number of emails following the one published above. I then followed this up with a conversation with you and your husband separately, and then one together. Your problem has two basic origins.
The first is your behavior following your periods of intimacy with your husband in which you would subsequently not permit him to have his own orgasm. I think you would agree that you would like this to happen about once a week, and then put the whole dynamic on autopilot thereafter. However, the hours and days that followed your intimacy did not see you taking proactive steps to intensify and prolong his arousal. You need to use verbal cues that reinforce your position of authority, teasing kisses, and gentle stroking of his own intimate regions to keep his brain chemistry coasting at the same peak levels that follow the initial episode. I think you were comfortable enough with the wife-led marriage dynamic to say “stop before you climax”, but not comfortable enough to continue nursing it with ongoing and repeated flexing of your sexuality. Be bold, and his submissive nature will do most of the work for you.
Secondly, however, is that your husband was being a bit manipulative.
I should point out, and not for the first time, that some have accused this entire dynamic of being based on male manipulation. In a very small sense I would concede this. However, this is ultimately a very symbiotic relationship in which both parties get what they want. The wife gets a closer, more intimate relationship with her husband and a household more responsive to her needs. The husband seeks a greater level of sexuality in the relationship and an opportunity to express his adoration for his wife through submitting to her authority. She very likely would not have sought out a relationship like this on her own, so in bringing a desire for this relationship forward and in asking that she be active in the dynamic, I suppose the husband could be accused of being manipulative. However, the husband enters into the relationship with the understanding that she will continue to overtly express her role in the relationship. He knows that submitting without her participation (ongoing expressions of her authority and management of his orgasms) will not work for him. It is the wife’s continuing requirement to live up to these responsibilities that some would call manipulative. I would just call it an open and honest discussion of his feelings, but I will leave judgment up to the reader.
You husband, however, was going a step further. Following the fact that you as the wife were not providing adequate expressions of your sexuality and authority, he should have simply spoken to you about his concerns. He, however, reacted by being grouchy and difficult when he was not getting what he needed. This is typical, but not acceptable.
Fortunately, all can be easily remedied by your playing a more active role in the dynamic. Also, as we discussed on the telephone, there are some more passive actions that you can take to prolong his submissive energy. They are a bit outside of the scope of what we typically discuss in this forum, but I think you agreed that you are ready to take these steps in your relationship.
Best of luck and please keep in touch.
Letters from Men
The following letter is a follow up from a reader that posted last month:
Dear Ken,
Well I did it.
I've been practicing stealth submission for two months now, and on Sunday night after our guests left, I found enough courage (cocktails) to give her your book. I don't think that she has read it yet, but she has been taking the remote and this morning told me to "fetch" a Diet Pepsi out of the garage for her.
I feel liberated!
I had been so apprehensive to bring up the subject or to give her your book, but now I think that she will really embrace the idea! In fact I think that it may be what she wants too. The first time that I hinted about this to my wife was over ten years ago, but we never had the conversation. I wish I had had your book and your website back then; we would have had a lot less arguments and a better marriage.
Thank you for everything you do.
Mark
Ken responds…
Great news! Let me give you one caution, however. Do not expect things to move too quickly. Be prepared to let things take their normal course at a pace that is comfortable for her. Remember that just because you have been thinking about this your entire life, the ideas are brand new to your wife.
It is very likely that you will be taking three steps forward and two steps back for a long time. Be absolutely certain to give her the space she needs to feel comfortable with the changes, but also be resolute in your service, devotion and obedience. Above all else communicate. If two weeks of stepping backwards take place, follow this up with a conversation. Make it sincere, discuss topics other than just your submission, and end it with an acknowledgement that her pace and her comfort are your primary concerns.
Over time, she will continue to grow comfortable in her position of loving authority over you.
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Dear Ken,
I had read your site a month or so ago, but was re-reading again last night, and I somewhat laughed at some of the information.
It is like we men in this situation follow this “unwritten” template on trying to approach our spouses about this. I did write a note to my spouse about our relationship (married 15 years, 2 kids 12 and 13 years old) and maybe we need to change it up. She did read it and did not get mad at me about it, but she did say that she did not really agree with some of it. She also said that it sounded like a lot of work.
During this same time, I stepped up my attention towards her, things I do for her, and things around the house. She even commented how nice it was a few days into it, but I do not think she has been able to make that connection on how that type behavior, or lifestyle as she called it, can be achieved with not that much more effort. I think it is more a changing of roles, and maybe it is a lot more effort. I also think the term lifestyle has a negative connotation, associated with a more over the top element of female authority, which is not where either one of us want to go.
But like I was saying, I found myself taking a similar path to some of the experiences that you shared. So I think my next step will be to point my wife to your site and see what happens. It is somewhat of a fine line of how much to push and when to do that, as I do not want to turn her off. When and if my wife changes her mind, I know that she relies on what she reads a lot. I can tell her the same thing that she might read, but if she reads it, then it means much more to her.
Your site does a great job of explaining things to a couple involved in a normal everyday relationship and marriage and helps explain the way a man might ask or express these feelings. I have always felt that I was an OK communicator, but I definitely fail in areas like this. I think it is that fear of rejection or the feeling of possible embarrassment that I might feel if my wife not only rejects the notion, but somehow later thinks I am a little “off.”
Sorry that I rambled on here, but I am not sure that you have seen this type email before.
Thanks for reading,
Pat
Ken responds…
Pat, this is a wonderful letter. I think it is also funny how so many husbands sit around and agonize over the same difficult notions of how to deal with their submissive nature. Hopefully this site affords those individuals a sense of community, so at least we all realize that we are not alone. It is particularly good to know that others share our fear of rejection and, as you say, our fear that we will be considered a little “off”.
I feel very confident that everything will work out for you and your wife. The other thing about this community is that we share not only our anxieties, but also our successes. Soon you will join the growing group of men for whom their anxiety is in the past, and their service to their wives is in the future.
Finally, Emily and I also reject the “lifestyle” terminology. This is not a lifestyle; it is merely one component of a healthy relationship.
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Dear Ken,
I have been going back and forth on whether or not to buy my wife your book for a long time. Finally, I went ahead and bought the book (Around Her Finger). My biggest surprise was how different it was from the site. I don’t mean this in a bad way. What I mean is that the same ideas from the site are presented in the context of the fictional story, and it all comes together so brilliantly that by the end, it would be hard for any woman not to be genuinely excited about trying this out.
I’m giving her the book this weekend. Hopefully my next letter is a success story.
Matt in Richmond, VA
Ken responds…
I am very confident that it will. Thank you for the kind words about the book. Our books and CD’s are available at Lulu: http://www.lulu.com/aroundherfinger
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