April 2006

Letters from Women

Dear Emily,

About six months ago, my husband began dropping hints that he would be interested in my taking a more active leadership role in our marriage. Looking back, it is obvious that he was taking cues from your site. It started with foot rubs, back rubs, a great deal more responsibility for work around the house, and lovemaking that was definately more concerned with my satisfaction than his. Because all of these behaviors happened so suddenly, I knew something was up. I tried to talk to him about it, but he is not a man used to communicating on an emotional level, so I never was able to figure out what was happening. Then came the chaos of the holiday season, and things seemed to go back to normal again without any explanation.

Then, early in February, I was going running. I could not find my MP3 player and grabbed my husband's instead. I was fliping through his song list when I discovered something unfamiliar. It turned out to be your confessional CD. I listened to the entire recording. I later learned that he had only recently purchased it and loaded it into his MP3 players so he could preview it before giving it to me for Valentines day. I said nothing about it to him, but I did spend the next several days surfing your website and learning all that I could about this side of him that I never knew existed and only scarcely understood.

I had no intention of saying anything to him about what I had discovered. I was going to let him make the next move. At the time, I did not know what his plans for the CD were. When he gave me the CD in a card on Valentine's day, I pretended that I had no idea what it was. It was unmarked, and he offered no explanation other than to say that it was something he had been thinking about for a long time. He told me to listen to it sometime when I was alone and could be uninterupted. I asked him to load it onto my MP3 player, and I pretended that I would be hearing it for the first time when I went running the following day.

When he came home from work the following evening, I gave him a card of my own. In it I wrote some instructions. I told him I would be going out of the house but would return by 7:00. I wanted him to have a bath ready for me when I got home. I told him to light candles and have soft music playing. I told him that when I was finished with my bath, I would call for him. When he came to me, I expected him to be bring me a towel and a glass of white wine. I also expected him to be naked.

All went as planned. I returned home and the bath was waiting for me. After a very relaxing soak, I called for my husband. He entered the bathroom unclothed and knelt beside the bath. He helped me out and raised him arms to wrap the towel around me. I draped the towel over my shoulders and placed my hands on my husband's head. I brought him close to my mid-section, still holding him against me. Just as you suggested, I told him that I understood him, I welcomed the changes he wanted to make, but I would take them very seriously. He would be expected to obey me, and this was not a part-time proposition.

In the short time since we have been practicing your methods, our lives have been wonderful. We have never been happier, and honestly, we were already pretty happy. What impresses me the most about the concepts expressed and very much emphasized on your CD is the notion that his desire to submit to me is a function of his inability to express his love to me in any other way. Submission as a pure and uninhibited expression of love and devotion is an incredibly romantic concept. So while I have to admit that I first thought the whole idea was a little strange, the CD helped me get over this initial reaction and really warm to the idea of loving female authority.

I guess I don't really have a question, but I thank you for your site. Please feel free to use me as a reference if a confused wife should need a shoulder to lean on.

Suzanne in North Carolina

Emily responds...

We will take all the success stories we can get. Congratulations and please keep in touch to let us know how things progress.

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Dear Emily,

Can you confirm something for me? I have been getting emails that appear to be random spam emails advertising your site. I am suspicious that they are not spam, but are rather put together specifically for me by my husband. I am suspicious for two reasons. First, they are from an email address which ends in @yahoo.com. I would not think that you would use a Yahoo address for a spam campaign. Secondly, I know for a fact that my husband has visited your site because I have seen it in the history files of our computer (I checked after getting the emails). So are these emails from my husband or from you?

Unsigned

Emily responds...

I cannot say for certain that they are from your husband, but they are definately not from us. We have never sent out email solicitations of any kind. I suggest you forward the emails to your husband and ask him what he thinks about the site? This will give him an opportunity to come clean about how he really feels about loving female authority. Understand that it is extremely difficult for a man to share this part of himself with his wife. While it would be great if all men could be open about their desires, many instead choose to play games such as the one that your husband appears to be playing with you. That does not change the fact that his motives are driven by what appears to be a sincere desire to serve you.

Letters from Men

I guess I am like many people that write to your site in that I have been very aware of my desire to submit to women for a very long time. Where I seem to be different is that I do not really know that I want to do all the housework, surrender the remote control, let her make the decisions, etc. I really am just interested in the sexual roleplaying associated with being submissive. Do you have any suggestions as to how I might bring this up to my wife of eight years in some non-threatening way?

Unsigned

Ken responds...

I started to just dismiss your letter. My thinking was that while you are certainly welcome to pursue whatever course you want with your wife, your goals and that of this site simply are inconsistent. We want to help those that are genuinely interested in wife-led marriages, and we leave the rest of you to your own devices. However, I am posting your letter in the hopes that you will reconsider what you really want.

Do you honestly think that occasional sexual role-playing will ever satisfy you? If you have the same self-awareness of your submission that I share with so many men that write to me at this site, you will never be truly happy until you surrender to your wife. I am sending you an electronic copy of our book. I encourage you to read it with an open mind. Suggest to your wife that you try the Boot Camp trial period that we discuss in the book. Afterwards, write me and tell me that you can honestly say that the moment at which she acknowledges her leadership role, and that she expects you to obey her wishes, is not a life-changing experience. I doubt that you will tell me that the joy in being willfully denied sexual gratification as a means of enforcing your submission is not infinitely more satisfying than mere role-playing.

I am very hopeful that I will hear from you again soon.

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Dear Emily and Ken:

This is a follow-up email from last month. As a month has passed and my path is more clear, I wanted to send this one other message. I know you don't answer men's emails, but I wanted to send this note of thanks.

I have the confessional CD (intimate version) and AHF book (actually my lovely wife has had them both for a couple months) and I have been faithfully reading the letters update page. My question before had involved how to undo the clumsy introduction to my wife of my interest in this kind of new dynamic in our marriage. I had hoped an answer might appear in the March blog, but realize space is tight. I think I have my answer in any case.

Since I last wrote I have taken to heart some of the comments you both made in earlier postings where you spoke of taking the time to let the process work itself out, to let her become aware of what's intended, and not hurry her. To take it one step at a time and allow her to see and assume it for herself. Patience comes hard for me especially because I so long for my wife to become more at ease with the control she really already has...if she would awaken to it, or more truthfully, be willing to exercise it. She is pretty traditional, yet can be forceful, firm, controlling at times of me and others (and other times a playful, child-like thing...I'm crazy in love with her!).

Since I gave her the CD and book, and a couple notes afterwards asking what she thought (I was too afraid to raise it in person figuring she would just reject me), I have not heard anything from her about this. She allows me to do an increasing number of chores without stopping me and is accepting an occasional massage and more affectionate touching that leads to nothing more. We have had a couple of deeply intimate times where I was self-less (thanks for the ideas, it's incredible to be so, I never knew how much) and I am much less assertive now in coming on to her, instead letting her set the pace for us. I have sidestepped some fights by agreeing with her, and I am actively paying more attention to her in routine matters. She is also getting used to using the remote control most all of the time without hesitation now! All of this she is allowing and even seeming to enjoy as I slowly escalate my submission. I doubt she has read the book, but I believe she listened to the CD I gave her and reviewed your website when I first mentioned it.

I have seen that the biggest change between us isn't in her but in me, to change my attitude of being centered on me and what I want, to become more about her and what she needs and will enjoy. I know there are benefits to this kind of relationship for her, and have found since I wrote to you a new determination to offer it, invisibly for now, in my pitching in on housework, making her feel sought and dated all over again, and my having an attention on her more than me. Sounds like things any good husband should be doing, huh? That's what so amazingly simple about your work...it makes sense. It has inspired me to serve her in ways deeper and more genuinely her-focused than I probably ever have before. Doing for her...more than doing for her to meet my needs...is a change of focus for me, and more than I expected.

As one expression of my submission too, I have put myself on a stealth allowance, taken my debit and credit cards out of my wallet, and am seeing the financial accounts as hers which I manage. Doing this has been an eye-opener to my feeling submissive as well and I can see some of what Ken meant when you wrote some time ago, "In our own household, Emily keeps me on an allowance. It is a constant and pleasant reminder of her status as head of the household."

I now am two months into this submission and know that I am going ahead slowly and deliberately. At some point, I will raise my request again and invite her discussion. I know me well enough that I need a formal acceptance and affirmation of her control. Until then, as I show her what can be, thank you for your good work and creative ideas. You have given me a fresh hope of how our marriage can evolve and be much more fulfilling in our empty nest years ahead. I certainly wish I had found you sooner, but maybe I wasn't ready for it till now.

Roger

Ken responds...

Roger, Emily and I are both incredibly happy for you. Please know that both of us, along with an ever growing audience of our readers, supports you and wishes you the best.

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Hi Emily and Ken,

Thank you for your website - it has helped me to recognize and put words to desires I have long known I had but was never really able to explain or understand. I have always considered myself to be submissive, but I never was really turned on by the "mistress/slave" thing or by leather-clad dominatrixes. I want to be the same person, with the same talents and drive and ambition, I just want to put all of my energy at the service of my wife and accept her direction and control.

Since finding your website last week, I started taking notes about how my marriage seems to match the pattern of "stealth submission." Here are a few:

1.) She has control of our finances. We have two accounts, a joint one where my paycheck goes, and one that is hers alone - her paycheck and some other money she had is in there. I never questioned her on how she chooses to spend her own money. If she wants to buy something - and we've made some large purchases - I've helped with all the details, but she has made the final decision. On the other hand, she has full access to the joint account, and my paycheck is mostly used to pay bills. I voluntarily keep her fully informed of how my money is spent, and she makes sure I am not slacking off on billpaying. If I run out of cash, which happens frequently, she will give me money on a daily basis - as much as she sees fit. I rarely make any purchases for myself, and I always ask if she minds if I get something for myself, like a music CD or a DVD. Sometimes, she doesn't mind and allows me to buy it.

2.) She controls the remote. In the past, she used to ask me what I wanted to watch, and if there wasn't anything in particular she wanted, she'd give the remote to me. Now, she doesn't bother asking me what I want, and if there is nothing good on, she'll put on Travel Channel or something similar, which she knows I don't particularly care for. I never complain. If I really want to see something, I will ask her. Sometimes, she will let me watch it.

3.) If she calls my name, I will pretty much routinely drop whatever I am doing and go to her immediately. If she tells me to do something, I do it right away. I've noticed times over this past weekend where she has given me a series of tasks to do while she just stands there and watches. This weekend, for example, she told me to do a load of dishes before leaving the house to go get bagels and then to get a haircut (which she told me to get). While I was doing all that, she was watching TV in the bedroom. I did as I was told.

4.) Her tastes rule. She decides where we go on vacation, what we do on the weekends, what we have for dinner. We listen to her radio station or her CDs in the car. She buys my clothes, and over the past year she has changed my style of dress pretty dramatically. (My co-workers have commented on it - and I have to say, it is better than what I used to wear.) She picked out my new glasses and my new haircut. She asks my opinion, and sometimes goes along with it, but she doesn't hesitate to overrule me whenever she pleases.

5.) We have not argued once in the past year and a half. I thought we were just getting along better, but now I realize that I have been giving in to her wishes. Not only that, I have been enthusiastic about her wishes.

6.) In the bedroom, we make love only when she wants to, and then we do it the way she likes. I initiate, but I get turned down a lot.

Since I've recognized all this, I have thought about either continuing in the status quo, where I serve her and she seems to accept my service without either of us actually acknowledging it, or telling her how I feel and seeing what happens. I've written her a letter, which I have not yet given her. I may wait for a bit, because we are going through some changes in our life right now and I think that it might not be the best time to suddenly reveal to her that her husband is submissive.

In the letter, I tell her that I want to serve her as a knight serves his Lady. I tell her that I am still the same person she has always known, because this tendency has always been a part of me and has always been a part of our interaction. The difference is I am formally acknowledging it. I pledge her my devotion and invite her to take her place on the pedastal.

I also tell her that even if she chooses to keep things the way they are, at least I have shared a very secret and personal part of myself with her, and this secret will no longer be something that keeps me from total honesty. I will be an open book.

I am fairly confident that my letter communicates what I want to say. How she reacts to it is another story...

I think there is a good chance she already recognizes this about me. She is pretty perceptive. If she doesn't already recognize it, I think this might be like a missing piece of the jigsaw puzzle that suddenly puts everything else about me into perspective. I also think that she enjoys being in control, especially because I think she felt deprived of control for so long in our marriage - so there is a chance she would take me up on this.

Any feedback you have for me would be greatly appreciated.

Unsigned

Ken responds...

Wow, your relationship seems so close to the perfect model of loving female authority that so many readers on this site are striving to reach. I would definately recommend that you pick a time that feels right to you to articulate your desire to serve her in a more formal LFA relationship. This is the only piece missing on your path to truly finding what you seek.

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Dear Emily and Ken,

I came across your great website about 2 months ago, I was so impressed that I bought the downloadable version of your book Around Her Finger from Lulu, it was also very good. This helped me to make up my mind that I should tell my wife (who is 4 years older than I and have been married to for 12 years) that I had these feeling and desires for her.

I had already been doing what you call stealth submission for about a year. I was doing most of the shopping, washing, ironing, foot and back massages, oral service, making tea and doing anything else that I could think of to please her. I did derive great pleasure and satisfaction for doing these things for my wife, but it just seemed there was something missing

I followed your advice and sent my wife an email, timing it to arrive when I knew my wife would be at home alone all morning. When I got home that day my wife was very upset and had been crying. She said it was very unfair leaving her with that email for all that time, and we sort of argued for the rest of the day, I asked if she had read the website she said something about skimming it but I think she missed the most important bits. I was feeling quite down and rejected.

So here I am two months down the line, and my wife seem to have forgotten about everything, and we are carrying on as normal. She even seems to get upset when I do the washing and some other jobs, saying that I am taking things that give her meaning in her life. She has also mentioned that managing money really scares her; this might be one hurdle that we need to get over. She is also not very comfortable with denying me my pleasure, always insisting that it is my turn.

I have tried to keep this email short. How do you think I should move this forward? Is this as far as I will ever get with a female lead marriage? Is there any hope or advice that you could give me? I love my wife dearly, but I yearn for her to take up her rightful place as the head of the family.

Thanking you in anticipation for any help and advice. Keep up your great work with your website.

Regards

Jay

Ken responds...

I wish that I could say yours was the first such letter that we have received describing a wife that rejects loving female authority upon first being introduced to the concept. One observation that I offer is that your letter seems to have one thing in common with the others that I have seen which have been similar to it. It seems that you threw this concept over the fence to your wife... stepped back... received her reaction, then sulked. You never really discussed this with her.

Your wife clearly has issues stepping outside the traditional role that she has imagined for herself. She may never be really comfortable with the idea of LFA, but truth be told, you do not know that yet. You have not spoken to her about it directly. You have not had a chance to hear her specific concerns and for her to understand how deeply rooted your submission really is to you. I doubt very seriously that she has even considered the fact that submission is an expression of love from someone that has difficulty in opening up about their emotions.

I recommend that you set aside some time with your wife for a very open and candid conversation. Do not think of it as an opportunity to sell her on the concept. Instead think of it as an opportunity to educate her on your feelings and for you to learn more about hers. Solicit her help in trying to understand where these feelings come from and what you can do about them. Consider this conversation a new starting point from which you can work together to define a relationship dynamic that works for both of you.

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Ken and Emily,

Hello,I’d like to thank you for your site. It has been a real eye-opener for me. There are so many things that have occurred naturally in our relationship that I have always comfortably accepted and they now all make more sense. For instance,- she chooses who drives the car when we go on family outings. She is the initiator of sex, and I have always felt more fulfilled when her needs are met, rather than my own. She makes decisions about healthcare and education for our children. She determines our social schedule, etc.

I felt an enormous sense of relief and release when I came across your site, because the concept of a female-led relationship just seems so right to me. I really want to communicate to my wife my willingness to accept her authority explicitly (rather than "by stealth" as has been the case to date), but I have a bit of a problem to confront. You see, even though my wife is naturally the dominant member of our partnership, I have always had financial responsibility. I should point out that my wife does not work (her choice) and stays home to look after our young children whilst I work and earn a good salary. The problem is that I have done a terrible job of managing our finances and, unbeknownst to her, I am in a serious amount of unsecured debt. Because she does not know, I have not been able to hand over the finances.

I am intending to confess all and hoping that she will forgive my indiscretions and take charge, and that perhaps we can then work our way out of this situation. Just so you know, my debt is not the result of gambling, drugs or anything other than living outside our means and trying to give our family more (monetarily) than I was capable of. Anyway, your site is helping me to gain the courage to tell her all, and it has given me hope that perhaps with her at the reins, we can get back on track.

I will let you know how things turn out.

Mark, Melbourne - Australia

Second letter from Mark

Hello again. Further to my message yesterday, I wanted to tell you I came clean and told my wife all about my financial problems and debt. I was surprised (and ashamed) when she took it all calmly and considerately. She reasssured me that everything would be OK. She also agreed to take control over the finances. This outcome was beyond my wildest expectations.

Anyway, as I said in my letter yesterday, it has been a matter of course that I have been submitting to my wife over the years. Her taking over the finances seems like just a logical progression. My question is as follows - with this natural progression, how important do you think it is for me to express my desire to submit, and for my wife to consciously and formally take the dominant role?

Hope to hear your thoughts,

Mark, Melbourne - Australia

Ken responds...

Mark, your second letter indicates that the dilemma you posed in your first letter had an obvious solution, and you acted on that solution on your own initiative. When in doubt, always let the woman take control.

As to the question in your second letter, nobody can answer that question better than you. Her needs are already being met in that you are already serving her. Formalizing her authority is really more about your needs than hers. As you read often on this site, most men have a difficult time sustaining unilateral, stealth submission absent the formalization of her authority and her active management of your orgasms. In my opinion, opening up to her will be best for both of you. She will appreciate your honesty and will better understand your true feelings. You will, if all goes well, find yourself in the type of relationship that many men only dream of finding.

Best of luck.