Letters from Women
I think that in introducing your site to me, my husband did not realize what he was unleashing. I want to share my story with you because I think it represents both an opportunity for women, but also a dose of reality for men.
My husband gave me your confessional CD for Valentines Day last year. He made me a nice dinner, gave me a massage, gave me an uncharacteristically selfless love making session, and finally, handed me a Valentines card containing the CD. I listened to it the next day and was just blow away. I know you get sick of hearing about this, but I had no idea that my husband had this in him. I did some research on my own (went to your site, talked to a close friend that I could trust), and finally ended up going through the process of formalizing my authority in the relationship. At the time I told him that we are either doing this one hundred percent or not at all. It has to be I’m in charge, he obeys. No exceptions, no compromises. He agreed.
I noticed that there was a honeymoon period in which he practically followed behind me kissing the ground I walked on. Gradually, he started to slack off a little. One Saturday morning he got up and went golfing without even telling me what he was doing. This was not acceptable. I decided to take some dramatic steps to both test his sincerity, and restructure our lifestyle in a way that I had always wanted to do anyway. Let me explain.
At the time, both my husband I worked. He was the primary breadwinner with my income being about a third of his. As I looked at where our money went, it became obvious to me that my salary was only supporting his expensive hobbies. He had a third car, an expensive sports car, that he only drove on weekends. He golfed often. When you add up the membership at his club, the green fees, etc., golf was a very expensive hobby. He was also very careless with all the little expenses. He spent about a hundred to a hundred and fifty dollars a week on lunches, Starbucks coffee and incidentals.
When he came home that afternoon from golfing, I told him that there were going to be some changes. I told him that we would be discussing these changes later in the evening. I definitely wanted him to be in a particularly submissive mood when I revealed my intentions, so I gave him a list of things I wanted done in preparation for our conversation. These included cooking me dinner, opening a bottle of wine, giving me a foot rub, and of course, going down on me. The foot rub and the oral sex were to be done with him completely nude. I have found that this humbles him in a way that really appeals to his submissive nature. When we finally got around to having our conversation, we had both had a little wine and he remained in front of me on his knees looking up at me while I spoke to him.
I told him that I planned on selling the sports car. I told him that I would be canceling his membership at the golf club. He would still be allowed to golf, but only as a special reward when I thought it was appropriate. I told him that I would be putting him on a forty dollar a week budget. All of this, I explained, was so that I could quit working. This was what I wanted and I expected him to support my intentions.
He was in such a state of submissive euphoria that he immediately and enthusiastically agreed. While in the days and weeks that followed, I think his enthusiasm for the plan wavered, he continued to honor my expectations. The car was sold, the membership cancelled, and the strict budget enforced. Now, months later, it seems like we have been living in the honeymoon phase all over again. This time it seems to be lasting much longer! I think he never expected that truly surrendering to me would have such drastic implications, but once it happened, he discovered what it was really like to live his life with me in charge.
I think that if he knew that giving me that CD would have cost him his toys and expensive habits, he would never have done it. I also think that having done it, he is happier and more content that he has ever been in his entire life. Loving female authority truly set both of us free in ways we never could have anticipated.
Unsigned
Emily responds…
This is a great letter. It speaks to the difference between men that submit half-way and men that truly surrender to their wife. Congratulations on your courage to take the bold steps necessary to improve your relationship and your life.
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I live in an extremely conservative community and was raised to believe that the sort of marriage you discuss on your site is morally wrong. That said, my husband pointed me to your site and has made me aware that he would like me to give it a try. I am very uncomfortable with this whole idea. If I just tell him I’m not interested will that be the end of it.
Unsigned in Kansas City
Emily responds…
Thank you for taking the time to write me and share your concerns. My question to you is what specifically about a female-led household makes you uncomfortable? Your husband’s submission is a wonderful gift that is an expression of his deep felt love for you. It may be the case that his submissive nature pre-dated his relationship with you, but it is with you that he felt comfortable enough to come forward and express his desire to make it a reality in your marriage.
Sit down and talk with him. Make sure that he understands your concerns the same way that you want to understand his motivation to submit. In the end, he wants nothing more than to bring pleasure and happiness into your life.
However, if you decide that this relationship dynamic is not for you, his underlying submissive nature will still be with him. He cannot make it go away even if he wanted to do so. My advice is to embrace his submission. I am certain that you will grow not only comfortable with it, but that you will look back and wonder how you ever lived without it.
---
Even when my husband and I first met, it was very clear that I had a very strong personality and he had what would best be described as a laid back personality. Our personality traits have always made me the defacto head of the household, as my strong opinions always tended to drive our decisions. It was not until recently that I came to realize that my husband’s initial attraction to me was probably a result of submissive feelings that he has had for a very long time. I only discovered this by accident.
I opened up the history file on the web browser on our shared computer looking for a website that I had gone to earlier in the week. What I saw shocked me. My husband had been spending time on sites dedicated to domination, female superiority, femdom, whatever you want to call it. While he had spent a great deal of time on your site, he had also visited other sites that go well beyond the topics that you discuss. Having now spent a great deal of my own time on those sites, I know that his interests go beyond the type of relationship that you seem to advocate.
Here is my dilemma. I am not really sure how I feel about all of this. I have not yet said anything to my husband. I want to approach him, but I do not know how to handle it. On the one hand, I am a little upset that he kept all of this a secret from me and spent all this time on the internet looking at these sites. On the other hand, I could definitely see using you as a role model to institute a wife-led household. What I don’t see myself doing is going to the next step and [participating in many of those other activities that seem to interest him]. What do you suggest that I do? I am anxious for your advice.
Unsigned in Virginia
Emily responds…
You are right to be a little upset by your husband’s activity on the internet. However, you should realize that many submissive men feel like they have no outlet for their feelings. The web offers a convenient place to explore their fantasies of loving female authority. Often the web offers a distorted image of female authority that appeals to the man’s more primal, sexual nature. I truly believe that what most of the men viewing this material really want is the sort of loving female authority that is described on our site. I think many of the activities that you described in your email (and I chose to edit) are simply symbolic of the female dominance that they seek and thus have an intense psycho-sexual appeal to many submissive men. Whether you ever choose to participate in those activities would be entirely up to you. You could certainly practice loving female authority without ever indulging him those fantasy scenarios.
As to my recommendation, I suggest you confront your husband immediately. Tell him that you know what he has been viewing on the internet. You know that his activity on the net spans the spectrum from our site to the sites featuring the more intense activities. Ask to him to confess his true feelings to you. Get him to tell you what he really wants. Does he really want a relationship like we describe on Aroundherfinger.com, or does he feel he wants/needs something more like that which the other sites describe. Know, however, that you are asking him what he wants only for your own information. You will ultimately give him what you want. You make it perfectly clear that you are in control, you expect to be obeyed, and you define the boundaries of your relationship. If necessary, tell him that you intend to monitor his internet behavior to make certain that the only female authority figure that he takes his cues from is you.
Letters from Men
I have often felt that I was insane for having the submissive feelings that have been with me since my childhood. Finding your site was such a relief to me. I realize that I am not alone in having these feelings. I also realize that by opening up to my wife about these feelings, she and I can become even happier together. Thank you so much for all the work that must certainly be involved in maintaining this site and keeping it up to date.
Unsigned
Ken responds…
Thank you for your very kind letter. It does require some work to keep the site updated, and also to respond to the many letters that we answer but do not publish on the site. We do it because we believe that the ideas on this site can really help the men and women that are open to trying them. We ultimately believe that female-led households make for happier marriages.
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I totally get your site. I feel like you reached inside my head and pulled out thoughts that I have been having for twenty years. My problem is that I am completely convinced that my wife won’t go for this. My question comes from the fact that I feel like this is an itch I can scratch with pornographic web sites. To me it seems like this is a victimless crime and that I don’t run any relationship risks by going this route. Can you convince me that I am wrong?
Jack in New Jersey
Ken responds…
Whether or not I can convince you that you are wrong, I don’t know. You are, however, wrong.
If you “totally get” this site, then you know that this relationship dynamic is not an itch that can be scratched by a pornographic web site. Loving female authority is first and foremost, loving. You could no easier replace it with pornography than you could replace the intimacy of a marriage with a prostitute. It is not slightly different, it is completely different.
Your reluctance to share your feelings with your wife and your habit of “scratching your itch” with pornography is certainly not a victimless crime. Both you and your wife are missing out on an opportunity for a more open, more fulfilling relationship based on your inaction.
I am sending you a copy of Around Her Finger and a copy of the Confessional CD in the hopes that you will take that all important step of sharing your true feelings with your wife. She deserves better.
Monday, October 31, 2005
Saturday, October 01, 2005
October 2005
Letters from Women
I wonder if I could trouble you for an opinion. I am not sure whether my husband is submissive or not, but having heard you interviewed on the radio the other day (you did great by the way!), it certainly sounds like he has all the symptoms. I’m wondering if you wouldn’t mind giving me your best opinion as to whether or not he shows enough signs to confront him.
On my last birthday he bought me a little gift basket of lotions, bath gels, etc. Soon thereafter he started offering me foot massages where he would kneel in front and rub the lotions into my feet while I watched TV. Night after night he has offered to do this and I have been only to happy to let him. He has become increasingly bold in this activity, having now started to kiss and lick my feet before he begins rubbing in the lotion.
Out of nowhere he started doing all of the laundry. Without fail, he always does mine before his own. He also now regularly makes our bed for the first time in our marriage. He has always cooked a lot, but now he asks me what I want to eat before he gets started.
Sex is now nothing like it was before. If it used to be ten percent foreplay and ninety percent intercourse now it’s ninety percent foreplay and ten percent sex. On some nights I am certain that he has pulled out of me before he had an orgasm. On these nights he is even more inclined to cuddle and talk after sex.
So, having read all of that, do you think he fits the mold? If you think he is submissive, I’m very inclined to encourage him. Any advice you have would be greatly appreciated.
Unsigned in Atlanta
Emily responds…
Thank you very much for the letter, Annette. My opinion is that your husband is definitely submissive. I may be the wrong one to ask as I am inclined to think that most men are submissive to one degree or another. Most men just never have the courage to admit it to themselves or to let it show if they do. Your husband, however, clearly is letting it show. On the outside, he is giving you subtle hints that he wants to put you on the pedestal. On the inside, he is screaming for you to be in charge. If you want to encourage him, I suggest you try ratcheting his behavior up by becoming increasingly demanding of him.
For example, one night, before he has a chance to get started on your foot rub, tell him – don’t ask him, tell him – that you are ready for your foot rub and for him to get started. When he is kissing your feet, tell him that you like it when he kneels in front of you and massages your feet because it makes you feel in control. Tell him you like being in control and ask him if he likes it.
Asking him increasingly definitive questions is a great way of nurturing his submission. Ask him if he likes the idea of you being in charge all the time. Ask him if he would be ok with him giving you oral sex and him getting nothing at all. Give him a list of some things you expect to be done around the house. Tell him that when they are all done to your satisfaction, he can again have intercourse with you, but until then, he needs to focus on your pleasure.
As you receive enthusiastic agreement with your new sense of power over him, you will ultimately have to formalize him by telling him that you are taking the reigns in the household. I have no doubt, based on the way you described your husband, that he will embrace his new role with incredible enthusiasm.
---
My husband is the perfect man until after he has an orgasm. Then he rolls over like the ape that he was before we discovered your site. Is this normal?
Unsigned
Emily responds…
Normal is tough to define. Some submissive men make an effort to be doting and attentive after an orgasm, but truth be told, they just don’t feel the same afterwards as they did only moments before their climax. Don’t mistake this as a sign that their affection and devotion is not sincere, it is absolutely sincere. This is just the human hormone system at work.
I suggest you talk to your husband about this problem. Make him understand what you expect of him following intercourse. If he does not comply, be certain that you enact consequences. Also, be more strategic about when you let him have an orgasm. A teased man is putty in your hands.
Letters from Men
I have had submissive desires since my childhood. Even before puberty, long before I had any sense of how these desires would ultimately become entwined in my sexuality, I knew that the idea of submitting to a woman fulfilled me in a way that nothing else could. I do not know if this is an innate characteristic or the result of some series of incidents in my early life, but I prefer to think of it as an inborn predisposition, an evolution in male genetics, and so I do. As I grew older my submission began to express itself in ways that I only understand with the benefit of hindsight. For example, in high school I was drawn to girls that treated me badly. One particular girl comes to mind. She was a bit of a tease and she cheated on me on multiple occasions, but I always went back to her. Outwardly, I was very gregarious, athletic and popular, but inside I knew there was a part of me that liked how she treated me. I wasn't prepared to articulate it, but I knew it just the same. Also, it’s very important to know that she didn’t create my submissive nature; she merely took advantage of it. Over the next few years, I consciously resisted my submissive character. I even went so far as to rebel against it. In college I was generally disrespectful of women and had some relationships that represented little more than sexual conquests. After college, I found a middle ground of respect and independence and met a woman of great character to whom I have been married for over fifteen years.
My wife is beautiful and relatively open-minded, but she seems to have very little interest in nurturing my submissive nature to the extent that I wish she would. Ultimately, I think she is uncomfortable with it. I have discussed it with her in conversations that were admittedly awkward and reserved on my part. I never felt like bore my soul to her. Since my meek confession, she indulges me by letting me lick and massage her feet most every night and by allowing me to take on a greater share of the household chores. However, she seems to have no inclination to experiment with the artifacts of dominant sexuality that have such an intense appeal to me. Most importantly, she has not expressed to me that she really is the head of the household and expects to be obeyed. More than anything, I want to hear her confirm, and occasionally reinforce, a shared knowledge between us that she is in absolute control. I have struggled for the last several years with how to articulate my deeper feelings and desires to her without risking her rejection, but I have lacked the courage to follow through on my various brainstorms and discoveries. The Around Her Finger site, for example, seems like it has a lot to offer someone like me, but I have never had the nerve to share the site with her. I know that this must seem cowardly to you, but submission is so overwhelmingly a part of whom I feel that I am, that sharing the intensity of this with her so late in our relationship is a defacto confession that I have been keeping a secret from her forever. The reality is that I would much prefer to serve my wife with complete, perfect and spiritual devotion. It is only because she does not understand the depths of my submission and desires that I still feel unfulfilled.
Unsigned
Ken responds…
I believe you already do serve your wife with complete, perfect and spiritual devotion. You are not getting what you want out of this service because, as you admit, you have yet to confront her with the depth of your feelings. Eventually you will. Eventually this relationship will work as well for you as it now seems to be working for her.
---
I am in the middle of my own personal campaign of stealth submission to my wife. My problem is that I just cannot keep up with my original intentions to do everything for her and make her life one of rest and comfort. I suppose I had no idea how much she did around the house. Now that I am trying to do it all for her, I simply cannot do it. With all the demands of my job, the list of chores I was already doing, and now her chores, I am overwhelmed. Do you have any suggestions?
Ken responds…
It is great that you finally appreciate how much work she has been doing. It is very possible that you cannot keep up. Emily, my wife, still does a certain work around our house simply because she is so much better at it than I am. Try to seek a balance that at least brings some much deserved relaxation into your wife’s day to day routine. This is a good first step in ultimately surrendering control to her.
---
I wanted to share with you something that I did with my wife that has put her effectively in charge of a portion of my life.
I am careless with money. It’s not that I go out and make large, irrational purchases. Instead it’s all the little purchases that add up. I know this and my wife knows it. I decided I could kill two birds with one stone by sitting down with my wife and writing out a budget.
I say kill two birds with one stone because I am a submissive and a huge fan of your site. I very much want to submit to my wife, but I’m incredibly nervous about approaching this topic with her. In sitting down with her to work out a budget for me, I took a significant step towards relinquishing control to her. We have worked out my budget and she is completely on top of where my money goes. She is now effectively controlling my spending. This means that I don’t go to lunch, buy gas, or even buy a pack of gum without her knowing about it.
What I have found is that she enjoys this sense of control over me as much as I enjoy her having it. My intention is to build on this idea of her controlling my budget with new opportunities for her to control different aspects of my life. Once this transformation is in place, it will be much easier to sit down and discuss my true feelings with her.
I am writing now because I think others might find this strategy useful. I enjoy your site and really appreciate everything you do for us closet submissives!
Shane in Missouri
Ken Responds
What a great suggestion for a completely vanilla first step towards a wife-led household. You are building on the reality that she who controls the purse strings controls everything. I strongly suggest that male readers who have been reluctant to take the first step towards surrender to their wives take Shane’s suggestion to heart. It is a completely risk-free way to give her control without taking the larger step of confessing your true emotions.
In our own household, Emily keeps me on an allowance. It is a constant and pleasant reminder of her status as head of the household.
I wonder if I could trouble you for an opinion. I am not sure whether my husband is submissive or not, but having heard you interviewed on the radio the other day (you did great by the way!), it certainly sounds like he has all the symptoms. I’m wondering if you wouldn’t mind giving me your best opinion as to whether or not he shows enough signs to confront him.
On my last birthday he bought me a little gift basket of lotions, bath gels, etc. Soon thereafter he started offering me foot massages where he would kneel in front and rub the lotions into my feet while I watched TV. Night after night he has offered to do this and I have been only to happy to let him. He has become increasingly bold in this activity, having now started to kiss and lick my feet before he begins rubbing in the lotion.
Out of nowhere he started doing all of the laundry. Without fail, he always does mine before his own. He also now regularly makes our bed for the first time in our marriage. He has always cooked a lot, but now he asks me what I want to eat before he gets started.
Sex is now nothing like it was before. If it used to be ten percent foreplay and ninety percent intercourse now it’s ninety percent foreplay and ten percent sex. On some nights I am certain that he has pulled out of me before he had an orgasm. On these nights he is even more inclined to cuddle and talk after sex.
So, having read all of that, do you think he fits the mold? If you think he is submissive, I’m very inclined to encourage him. Any advice you have would be greatly appreciated.
Unsigned in Atlanta
Emily responds…
Thank you very much for the letter, Annette. My opinion is that your husband is definitely submissive. I may be the wrong one to ask as I am inclined to think that most men are submissive to one degree or another. Most men just never have the courage to admit it to themselves or to let it show if they do. Your husband, however, clearly is letting it show. On the outside, he is giving you subtle hints that he wants to put you on the pedestal. On the inside, he is screaming for you to be in charge. If you want to encourage him, I suggest you try ratcheting his behavior up by becoming increasingly demanding of him.
For example, one night, before he has a chance to get started on your foot rub, tell him – don’t ask him, tell him – that you are ready for your foot rub and for him to get started. When he is kissing your feet, tell him that you like it when he kneels in front of you and massages your feet because it makes you feel in control. Tell him you like being in control and ask him if he likes it.
Asking him increasingly definitive questions is a great way of nurturing his submission. Ask him if he likes the idea of you being in charge all the time. Ask him if he would be ok with him giving you oral sex and him getting nothing at all. Give him a list of some things you expect to be done around the house. Tell him that when they are all done to your satisfaction, he can again have intercourse with you, but until then, he needs to focus on your pleasure.
As you receive enthusiastic agreement with your new sense of power over him, you will ultimately have to formalize him by telling him that you are taking the reigns in the household. I have no doubt, based on the way you described your husband, that he will embrace his new role with incredible enthusiasm.
---
My husband is the perfect man until after he has an orgasm. Then he rolls over like the ape that he was before we discovered your site. Is this normal?
Unsigned
Emily responds…
Normal is tough to define. Some submissive men make an effort to be doting and attentive after an orgasm, but truth be told, they just don’t feel the same afterwards as they did only moments before their climax. Don’t mistake this as a sign that their affection and devotion is not sincere, it is absolutely sincere. This is just the human hormone system at work.
I suggest you talk to your husband about this problem. Make him understand what you expect of him following intercourse. If he does not comply, be certain that you enact consequences. Also, be more strategic about when you let him have an orgasm. A teased man is putty in your hands.
Letters from Men
I have had submissive desires since my childhood. Even before puberty, long before I had any sense of how these desires would ultimately become entwined in my sexuality, I knew that the idea of submitting to a woman fulfilled me in a way that nothing else could. I do not know if this is an innate characteristic or the result of some series of incidents in my early life, but I prefer to think of it as an inborn predisposition, an evolution in male genetics, and so I do. As I grew older my submission began to express itself in ways that I only understand with the benefit of hindsight. For example, in high school I was drawn to girls that treated me badly. One particular girl comes to mind. She was a bit of a tease and she cheated on me on multiple occasions, but I always went back to her. Outwardly, I was very gregarious, athletic and popular, but inside I knew there was a part of me that liked how she treated me. I wasn't prepared to articulate it, but I knew it just the same. Also, it’s very important to know that she didn’t create my submissive nature; she merely took advantage of it. Over the next few years, I consciously resisted my submissive character. I even went so far as to rebel against it. In college I was generally disrespectful of women and had some relationships that represented little more than sexual conquests. After college, I found a middle ground of respect and independence and met a woman of great character to whom I have been married for over fifteen years.
My wife is beautiful and relatively open-minded, but she seems to have very little interest in nurturing my submissive nature to the extent that I wish she would. Ultimately, I think she is uncomfortable with it. I have discussed it with her in conversations that were admittedly awkward and reserved on my part. I never felt like bore my soul to her. Since my meek confession, she indulges me by letting me lick and massage her feet most every night and by allowing me to take on a greater share of the household chores. However, she seems to have no inclination to experiment with the artifacts of dominant sexuality that have such an intense appeal to me. Most importantly, she has not expressed to me that she really is the head of the household and expects to be obeyed. More than anything, I want to hear her confirm, and occasionally reinforce, a shared knowledge between us that she is in absolute control. I have struggled for the last several years with how to articulate my deeper feelings and desires to her without risking her rejection, but I have lacked the courage to follow through on my various brainstorms and discoveries. The Around Her Finger site, for example, seems like it has a lot to offer someone like me, but I have never had the nerve to share the site with her. I know that this must seem cowardly to you, but submission is so overwhelmingly a part of whom I feel that I am, that sharing the intensity of this with her so late in our relationship is a defacto confession that I have been keeping a secret from her forever. The reality is that I would much prefer to serve my wife with complete, perfect and spiritual devotion. It is only because she does not understand the depths of my submission and desires that I still feel unfulfilled.
Unsigned
Ken responds…
I believe you already do serve your wife with complete, perfect and spiritual devotion. You are not getting what you want out of this service because, as you admit, you have yet to confront her with the depth of your feelings. Eventually you will. Eventually this relationship will work as well for you as it now seems to be working for her.
---
I am in the middle of my own personal campaign of stealth submission to my wife. My problem is that I just cannot keep up with my original intentions to do everything for her and make her life one of rest and comfort. I suppose I had no idea how much she did around the house. Now that I am trying to do it all for her, I simply cannot do it. With all the demands of my job, the list of chores I was already doing, and now her chores, I am overwhelmed. Do you have any suggestions?
Ken responds…
It is great that you finally appreciate how much work she has been doing. It is very possible that you cannot keep up. Emily, my wife, still does a certain work around our house simply because she is so much better at it than I am. Try to seek a balance that at least brings some much deserved relaxation into your wife’s day to day routine. This is a good first step in ultimately surrendering control to her.
---
I wanted to share with you something that I did with my wife that has put her effectively in charge of a portion of my life.
I am careless with money. It’s not that I go out and make large, irrational purchases. Instead it’s all the little purchases that add up. I know this and my wife knows it. I decided I could kill two birds with one stone by sitting down with my wife and writing out a budget.
I say kill two birds with one stone because I am a submissive and a huge fan of your site. I very much want to submit to my wife, but I’m incredibly nervous about approaching this topic with her. In sitting down with her to work out a budget for me, I took a significant step towards relinquishing control to her. We have worked out my budget and she is completely on top of where my money goes. She is now effectively controlling my spending. This means that I don’t go to lunch, buy gas, or even buy a pack of gum without her knowing about it.
What I have found is that she enjoys this sense of control over me as much as I enjoy her having it. My intention is to build on this idea of her controlling my budget with new opportunities for her to control different aspects of my life. Once this transformation is in place, it will be much easier to sit down and discuss my true feelings with her.
I am writing now because I think others might find this strategy useful. I enjoy your site and really appreciate everything you do for us closet submissives!
Shane in Missouri
Ken Responds
What a great suggestion for a completely vanilla first step towards a wife-led household. You are building on the reality that she who controls the purse strings controls everything. I strongly suggest that male readers who have been reluctant to take the first step towards surrender to their wives take Shane’s suggestion to heart. It is a completely risk-free way to give her control without taking the larger step of confessing your true emotions.
In our own household, Emily keeps me on an allowance. It is a constant and pleasant reminder of her status as head of the household.
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