January/February 2011

January/February 2011 Updates

Happy New Year!

Thanks to all of you who wished us well over the holidays. This community continues to give back to us in so many ways. We remain thankful for the opportunity to be a part of your evolving relationships. The path to an Around Her Finger relationship is not necessarily easy, but it is always rewarding. Make whatever resolutions you must in order to realize your potential in 2011.

Emily

Around Her Finger, can now be found at Amazon.com. Here is the link below:

http://www.amazon.com/Around-Her-Finger-Breathing-Relationship/dp/B0025UPLB6

As always, our books and CD’s can be found at: www.lulu.com/aroundherfinger/

Lulu now offers an Ipad version of the all of our books!Send questions, comments and success stories to Emily (dot) Addison (at) Gmail (dotcom)


Letters from Women

Emily,

My husband of fifteen years gave me your book on the first day of the New Year as a commitment to follow through on his New Year’s resolution. I have just finished reading it, and I have to admit that I am absolutely and utterly shocked that he would want this from me. My shock, however, is only matched by my delight. It seems like years of sometimes odd and unexplained behavior now makes sense when I look back at it through the prism of his new openness on this topic.

I want you to know that beginning this weekend, I am going to embrace this with all of my heart. I believe that there is something in this for both of us, and I feel that for the first time that I have the tools and the understanding to really make the most of our relationship together.


Unsigned

Emily responds…

You warm my heart with your optimism and enthusiasm. I am certain that this will be a wonderful step forward in your marriage.

*****

Dear Emily,

My husband and I have always had a very open and understanding relationship. I understood that he had an inclination to submit to me even before we married, but after marrying, we embraced his submission as a couple, and have lived a life very much like you describe on your site. We did this before discovering Around Her Finger, but we still enjoy your updates section [and other sites], as it gives us ideas and energy for own relationship.

While those that know us both can clearly tell that I am the alpha spouse in the relationship, we have never been forthcoming about the depth and nature of my authority in the home. Our family and friends just think of him as “whipped”. I know you have counseled other couples to be similarly discreet, so I know that our choice in this matter is consistent with your advice on the topic. However, over the holidays, our discretion took an accidental nose dive off of a cliff, so I am writing now for your advice on how to handle my current situation.

Over the years there have been several minor and unintentional cracks in our secret as it relates to my brother-in-law’s (my younger sister’s husband’s) knowledge of our LFA marriage. There were no smoking guns, but just some things we wish he hadn’t seen or overheard. For example, he one time heard me scolding my husband and heard my husband’s very obedient and reverent “Yes, Ma’am” replies. These were nothing, however, compared to what happened two days before Christmas when my sister and her husband came in from out of town to stay with us. It was in the middle of the day, and my sister told me that she and her husband were going out to do some shopping and would return just in time to go out to dinner with us. Unbeknownst to me, my sister’s husband backed out at the last minute and opted to take a mid-day nap on the living room couch. The back of the living room couch faces out to the hallways, so when my husband and I stood in at the base of the stairs right outside this room, we had no idea that he was lying stretched out on this couch.

We [said and revealed a number of things that made the nature of our relationship obvious but do not bear repeating here]. Long story short, my brother-in-law had only just lain down to take his nap, and he was not even half-way asleep. He heard everything. I suppose he could have remained in repose behind the back of the couch, but he sat up and gave us a look of near disbelief. My husband and I scurried off to our bedroom, but the cat was very much out of the bag. After collecting our wits and discussing the best option, we walked out of our room to speak to my brother-in-law together.

We explained our relationship. We actually talked about your site and told him that it was very much descriptive of our relationship. We explained that this is way more common than many would ever suspect. We told him that we understood if he felt that he needed to talk to my sister (his wife), but we asked that once he made the decision on whether or not to share the story with her, that he let us know his decision. We are certainly not ashamed of our lifestyle, but we understand that it is not without controversy, and we wanted to be prepared for any possible reaction she might have had.

I should not have been surprised by his response to our conversation, but the fact is that it knocked me off my feet. His indicated that he would be happy to keep our secret if that was our desire, but he would rather share the story for the very simple reason that he desired the exact same dynamic in his own marriage. For a very long time, he had been harboring an intense desire to submit to my sister.

He was clearly sincere. While he was not familiar with your site, he was familiar with [certain other sites related to the same topic]. Also, he was very familiar with [certain topics] about which I cannot imagine he would have possessed such detailed knowledge without a passion for inquiry inspired by genuine interest. He asked me if I thought my sister would be open to the idea. I told him I preferred not to speculate. I firmly suggested that he acquaint himself with http://www.aroundherfinger.com/, your books, and your update page. I told him that I would take it upon myself to write to you and seek your advice as to how we should all proceed, and that we would discuss as a group (he, my husband and I) whether or not to act on your counsel.

While I do not want to pressure you, I do value your input. What do you suggest we do? Also, I know your updates have been fewer and fewer recently. I do hope you will reply as quickly as possible with your ideas.

Unsigned

Emily responds…

What an interesting predicament. I would love to be more challenged by your circumstances, but I am afraid that my decision is an easy one. I believe that if your brother-in-law desires to submit to his wife, then he needs to unilaterally approach her and open up about his feelings. He needs to face his fears, articulate his desires, and go through what may be prove to be a long journey to loving female authority as opposed to the quick turn that he no doubt believes your help would allow.

His loving submission to his wife is ultimately an intensely personal matter, and if it does not always remain as such, it should at least begin as such. This is enough to warrant my advice, but there is more. If you all go to her together, then she will feel overwhelmed and ganged up on. This seems like an incredibly unfair imposition.

Let this be between him and her. Be there for him as he takes his first caution steps, but only as a distant advisor and coach. Let this play out between this couple without your active involvement… please.

Letters from Men

Hello Emily and Ken,

First off, I want to thank you for your great website. I found it a few years ago, and had often thought about introducing the wife led marriage concept to my wife. We've been married for a little over five years. It just took a few years to build up the courage and to decide that I was really ready to surrender all control to her.

It was accelerated after I lost my job last year and started working for her new business (using my extensive business background to handle admin, accounting, etc.). So when that happened I started handling all the household duties, too. She was extremely busy and it just made sense. After several months of that and a few minor arguments about some pending decisions, I just felt that maybe it was time to admit my inner desire to submit to her. I told her in bed one morning about three weeks ago after we had played around a bit. She pretty much just took in what I was saying and seemed happy with the idea as long as I still remained the "same man"...she doesn't want some wimpy husband. I assured her I would be the same man, would always give my opinions, just that now she would have the final say.

Now three weeks later, things are pretty good, though she doesn't seem to want to discuss the arrangement very often (if at all). She has certainly had me doing even more for her, and seems to enjoy the nightly foot massages, etc. I've asked her to look at your site, but she still hasn't had time to do so. I'm trying not to pester her, but I do feel I'm missing some of the acknowledgement that is so important for us submissive husbands. She has also agreed to control my orgasms, but isn't very active in that department.

I just want to ask what your thoughts are on getting her more active in acknowledging my submission to her, or should I not worry about it and let her grow more into it? And I'm not sure what to do about her more actively managing my orgasms. I do feel that is super important, and even with my abstaining from masturbation, that I am craving more active control from her. Thank you in advance for any advice.

Regards,

Jon

Ken responds…

First, you are a lucky man that you had the courage to come forward and that she had the open-mindedness to work with you. I suspect her reaction was more nuanced that even you indicated. She seemed to quickly accept the idea (under her stated condition that your masculinity remain prominent and in place), but she seemed to lack the natural curiosity on the topic that one would expect her to have.


Lacking her own curiousity, you need to be patient until she comes to better understand what you need. If she has been reluctant to read the book, she might be more inclined to listen to the confessional CD/mp3. Maybe you could offer to rub her feet as she reads the book you have arleady bought.



One way or another, you need to move to a point where it clicks for her that you need the outward reinforcement of her authority to feel completed. Be patient, stick with it, and you will move ahead together.


*****


Hi Emily and Ken~

I came across your site a while ago and have enjoyed reading everything you and others have posted about the female-led household. I am one of those husbands that would love to introduce my wife to this and submit to her. I have one major concern however.

Let me give you some background. We have two kids. I have been a stay at home dad for about four years now. My wife has a job where she is the top person in charge. Our situation alone lends itself so easily to an AHF relationship. But here is my issue. We're Christians. We're heavily involved in our church. My wife has been a Christian since her youth. And I'm not sure with the whole head of the household thing that she'd be willing to go for it. I was wondering whether you've had any other Christian husbands write in with their struggles on this issue?

Thanks for what you two do! I would so appreciate your guidance on this matter.

Scott

Ken responds…

Many letters like your own have arrived in our inbox. We have been reluctant to address this topic head on as one’s faith is a very personal issue, and we do not want to open ourselves to criticism for sharing our perspective on the matter.

I will say only that for Emily and myself, there is nothing inconsistent with our own Christian faith and loving female authority. Several specific concerns come up repeatedly in the letters that address this topic. I’ll provide a response to each without necessarily belaboring the question at hand.

First, to adore and even to “worship” your wife in the interpersonal sense is in no means a sincere acknowledgement of her divinity or idolatry in any reasonable sense of those words. It is rather an expression of love and affection -- perhaps the deepest and most sincere expression a man can make to his wife. It is completely consistent with a sincere reverence to God and the obvious acknowledgement of God’s much greater place in the universe and in our lives.

Secondly, the notion of the patriarchal household is no more central to Christian doctrine than abstaining from shellfish or any of the many detailed laws described in the early chapters of the Old Testament and in the letters of Paul. At least for myself, I believe that the many detailed instructions in the Bible for how to lead one’s life are secondary to the core tenants of love and devotion to God and to our fellow human beings. While there is much wisdom in the Bible outside of this core message, I believe that there is great leeway in how we lead our lives if we obey the central commandments of loving God with all our heart and our neighbors as ourselves. For me, a female-led relationship in no way interferes with a devotion to God and Christ and an obligation to treat others with respect and dignity.

There are sexual elements of a female led relationship that are not typical, but that does not mean that they are immoral. We are blessed and not cursed by our sexuality, and to embrace it and explore it in the context of a committed, loving relationship is something to which we should all aspire.

I am not an authority on anything other than what I feel and what I believe to be true. I know that for me, this dynamic is not at odds with my faith.


---

Our books and CD’s can be found on the following sites:

http://www.amazon.com/Around-Her-Finger-Breathing-Relationship/dp/B0025UPLB6

As always, our books and CD’s can be found at: www.lulu.com/aroundherfinger/

Send questions, comments and success stories to Emily (dot) Addison (at) Gmail (dotcom)

October 2010

Fall 2010 Updates

The website if finally back up again. You can find it at www.aroundherfinger.com. An old email address and an expired credit card conspired to let our web hosting renewal slip through the cracks. I offer our sincere apologies for any inconvenience that this may have caused any of you. Also, let me express our great thanks to everyone that sent us emails alerting us to this concern and also expressing interest in getting the site back up and running.

All is well again!

Emily

---

We are excited to note that the first book, Around Her Finger, can now be found at Amazon.com. Here is the link below:

http://www.amazon.com/Around-Her-Finger-Breathing-Relationship/dp/B0025UPLB6

As always, our books and CD’s can be found at:www.lulu.com/aroundherfinger/

Lulu now offers an Ipad version of the all of our books!Send questions, comments and success stories to Emily (dot) Addison (at) Gmail (dotcom)


Letters from Women

Hi Emily,

I wanted to thank you for your website and all of the work you guys have put into it. Let me first provide some background about myself and husband. I am from a wonderful family with loving parents still married and so is my husband. We both had a [very typical religious upbringing], and this relationship is possible for even very traditional persons such as myself and husband. I feel more in love with my husband and my husband trusts me more that he had ever before. I feel cherished, and I feel my husband is wonderful. I am complete.

My husband and I met in college and have been together for about six years now. We have been married for a little over one year. We had a normal relationship except that my libido had always been higher than my husbands. We rarely fought except to fight about sex. I would ask myself is there something wrong with me or is it my husband? We have great sex and a great emotional relationship, so why is this always an issue? I had a lot of shame and unhappiness because I could not figure out my husband and his libido and how to turn him on. This shame and guilt and frustration lasted for almost five and a half years until we went on vacation in the spring when my husband's libido started to increase out of nowhere. I was confused and timid, unsure of what was going on, but also happier than I had ever been before. My husband actually wanted to have sex more than once a week and more than once a day. He was so happy, so emotional, and I loved it.

After a month of the 'change' he finally told me that he had discovered your website and encouraged me to read it. I of course was interested because for so long I had struggled to find what made my husband tick and now he had figured it out. I read the part of the website for the females, and it clicked in my mind. This loving female led relationship was what was missing the whole time.

The first few weeks were wonderful. I felt like when we had first been together. But then my husband wanted more from me, a reasonable amount, but I was afraid. I had fear that it would end, and that I would be left like I had for years hurt and frustrated. So I was hesitant and we quit soon after a few weeks because my husband did not feel that it was a life change I had wanted, and that I was only doing it for him.

A month later I opened up to him, telling him that I missed some of the things we had done with the loving female led relationship and at that point I verbalized all of the things that I had wanted to continue to do. He immediately was turned back on again, and we have fit the roles very nicely since. This relationship change is not for all couples and without great communication skill and [self analysis] we could not have done it. My husband also should have been patient with me from the beginning. I realize he really wanted to make it happen but did not allow time for me to come to terms with what I wanted and needed for myself and our relationship.

So, men, be patient with the woman you love, and females, know yourself. You will do just fine making yourself and your husband very happy.

Thank you Emily! Best wishes!

Sincerely,

A.K.

Emily responds…

I imagine that many men reading your letter find themselves having quite the opposite problem than you and your husband had in your marriage. Men are more likely to have the higher libido, and it is worth noting that AHF relationships offer something for them as well. They may end up having less sex, but the will experience a higher level of sexual energy in the relationship. This comes from the sexual charge that orgasm management brings when it is coupled with overt displays of dominance on the part of their wives, as well as selfless acts of service on the part of the husband.

Also, I know that you are getting more out of the relationship than just the increased libido of your husband, and that is important. Remember to continue to make this about you and your needs. The focus on you will ultimately rebound and give your husband what he needs in return.

Continued best wishes in your marriage!

***

Dear Emily,

I wonder if I am not loving this too much. Ever since I agreed to my husband’s suggestion that I take control in the marriage, I feel as though I have been completely liberated. It’s not like some letters I have read on here where women don’t do any of the household chores, get massages every night, or whatever fantasy scenario they might describe (sometimes it seems unrealistic). For me at least, it is different, but liberating is the right word.

For example, on any given night, I might still cook or do the dishes. But if I do not want to do the dishes, I tell him to do them. And now I know that if I walk up to him, get right in his face, bite his upper lip (gently and sensuously), whisper the command to do the dishes in his ear, that not only have I just avoided the task of doing the dishes, but I have actually given him an intense moment of sexual affection. As he does the dishes, he is actually excited to do them, and he is thinking of me the entire time. What a win-win situation! It is almost a miracle. The rest of the evening might be otherwise conventional, but for him that moment of loving female authority was an emotional high that he can ride all the way until he goes to sleep.

Sexually, it has also been liberating. Our sex life was not bad before, but I never felt free to really open up and communicate what I wanted out of the physical part of our relationship. For example, my husband has always performed oral sex on me as foreplay, but it has lasted for just a couple minutes before he quickly moved on to intercourse. Now, oral sex lasts as long as I want it to last, and if that is all it takes for me to climax, then that is where it ends. As it turns out, [my husband performing oral sex on me] is also an incredibly satisfying sexual experience for him. I never imagined that he enjoyed pleasuring me so much, and now that this is out on the table, we both embrace this activity. (It turns out that he actually enjoys performing oral sex on me over anything else we do sexually.)

I also love when in the middle of intercourse, I can decide to continue or to push him off of me. And as I am sure other women on here have noticed, he is unbelievable doting and attentive in the days that follow the nights when I stop him in mid-act. He becomes the perfect man, and don’t think my friends, sister and even my Mom has not noticed the change. It is really remarkable.

Unsigned

Emily responds…

He was always the perfect man, he just needed the perfect woman to bring it out of him!

------------------------

Letters from Men

Dear Emily,

I need some advice. I think I've been a fairly loving husband over the years. I have a good relationship with my wife and she recognizes that I do much more than most other men.

In the past few months I've introduced my wife to the concept of FLA a couple of times coupled with my verbalizing how much I love her and that I would like to do more for her. She says that she doesn't want any part of it, but she has started to make non-verbal cues that she likes the benefits. I've started giving her back massages every night and spending more time talking before going to sleep. I'm doing more of the housework, but I still believe I'm being more of a stealth submissive than I should be and definitely more than I want to be.

I also find that my mind is getting more consumed with the concept of FLA since reading your blogs. I'm finding that I'm preoccupied at work with these feelings and thoughts. I'm finding that I love my wife more and more, but that I'm not getting enough response from her to carry me through. I'm not sure if she will be agreeable or not.

A couple questions:

1. Is it normal for a man's whole mind to be consumed at this stage?
2. What should be my next steps to get more of a response?

I thank you in advance for your advice and look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,

Tom

Ken responds…

Both of your questions are very common concerns for men starting down this path. Let me address your question of whether or not it is “normal” to feel consumed by thoughts of female authority. Far be it from me to stray into the perilous territory of defining normal behavior, so let me just say that it is incredibly common. Furthermore, I am not certain that it is only associated with this early phase of your evolution towards an AHF relationship. The more your wife becomes comfortable with her role, the more she chooses to demonstrate her authority, the more you will become fixated on her and pleasing her. This is especially true if she can find a cadence to orgasm management that works for the two of you. You will become increasingly consumed with anything that brings her happiness. Her happiness will become your happiness.

As to what you need to do next, consider that opening up to your wife about the ideas on our site is not a one time event. You have begun a dialogue, but you need to continue that dialogue. She needs to understand the sentiment that you have expressed in your letter to us. She needs to understand that her non-verbal embrace of female authority needs to be accompanied by verbal cues and outright acknowledgement of your new roles.

My best guess is that you are going to succeed, just remain committed.

--------


Our books and CD’s can be found on the following sites:

http://www.amazon.com/Around-Her-Finger-Breathing-Relationship/dp/B0025UPLB6

As always, our books and CD’s can be found at: www.lulu.com/aroundherfinger/

Send questions, comments and success stories to Emily (dot) Addison (at) Gmail (dotcom)

August 2010

August 2010 Updates

A healthy relationship is dynamic. Not only does it evolve over time, but certain of its best elements ebb and flow with the seasons of the year and the seasons of our lives. Right now, Ken and I are in a wonderful period of our lives. His work schedule has relaxed in recent months, and I have made a very active effort to channel much of his free time into activities and passions that focus him on making us closer. He has been even more deeply devoted to me as of late, and outward expressions of his affection for me are constant reminders of his passionate and always growing love. In turn, I have indulged him with an intensity and frequency of my own affections. Often these are outward gestures that reinforce my authority in our relationship. I know that these make him feel loved in ways that nothing else can match. After all, affection takes many forms.

We have gotten to the point we are in our own relationship because we trust each other enough to communicate openly. We have built upon this trust by being open and responsive to what each other needs and wants most from the marriage. We have put our own best interests ahead of convention and tradition, and we have been rewarded with a relationship rich in emotion, mutual respect, and very genuine love and affection.

Follow your hearts, abandon your fears, and find what Ken and I have found together.

Emily

-----

We are excited to note that the first book, Around Her Finger, can now be found at Amazon.com. Here is the link below:http://www.amazon.com/Around-Her-Finger-Breathing-Relationship/dp/B0025UPLB6As always, our books and CD’s can be found at:www.lulu.com/aroundherfinger/

Lulu now offers an Ipad version of the all of our books!Send questions, comments and success stories to Emily (dot) Addison (at) Gmail (dotcom)


Letters from Women

Dear Emily,

It is probably a cliché for women to open their letters to you with a statement of disbelief that their husbands could possibly have been hiding a submissive side. However, I can honestly say that my husband was the prototypical LAST man I would have expected to be submissive.

We recently had his parents pick up the kids and take them to their home for a week over the summer vacation. We were not planning an out of town trip, but it was a chance for us both to spend some more focused time together. That first Monday after the kids were gone, I came home to find your book and a dozen rose on the kitchen table. There was also a card saying that he learned about this book on your website.

An hour later I had read much of the site and was beginning to get an idea of what this was all about. When my husband came home I was still sitting in front of the computer pouring through your updates page. He walked into the room where I was and kissed me on the cheek. Without looking up and in a very firm voice, I told him to go out and get me a glass of wine. In short, I was very interested, and I was going to follow through with this. I was touched that he felt close enough to me and trusted me enough to come forward with this, and I accept it as you describe it, as a means of him demonstrating his affection, love and commitment to me. It would be awkward at first to get used to the idea of being in control, but I could do this for him.

The best thing about all of this is the openness and deep levels of conversation that we now have. I need only to let him kneel and put his mouth between my legs for twenty minutes, and then to stop the intimacy at that point, and he opens up and talks and shares like we were dating again for the first time.

This is magic.

Unsigned

Emily responds…

It is not magic in and of itself; however, when combined with a healthy, loving relationship, it is just that. Honor his trust in you, and cultivate a life together that builds on this new beginning.

-----

Letters from Men

Dear Emily and Ken,

I wanted to write you a letter explaining how I discovered the joys of a female led relationship. The Around Her Finger blog has been helpful to me in so many ways, and I hope my own story can contribute something to your readers in return for all that your advice has given to me and my fiancé.

I first met my fiancé (I’ll call her ‘Beth’ which is not her real name) five years ago when she became my manager at work. We worked for a very large company, and I had met her briefly before, but for all practical purposes, we got to know each other in a context where our manager/employee roles dictated the nature of our relationship.

Beth is seven years older than I am, but she is a very attractive and a very young looking woman. However, I never let this get in the way of my work, and we always maintained a strictly professional and very positive working relationship for the several years that I was her employee. It is probably worth noting that while I consider myself a very dedicated worker regardless of who my manager might be, there was something very special about working for Beth. I found that I very much wanted to go the extra mile to please her, and I would often stay late and go above and beyond to do my very best when I was her employee. Also, I was always incredibly respectful of her authority and was always mindful to demonstrate my respect for her. I was very disappointed when she decided to leave the company after several years, but we left on good terms, and I knew that she was leaving for a very significant career opportunity at her new employer.

Several months after Beth left my company, I was surprised to get a call from her. I suspected that she might be calling to offer me a job at her new company, but this was not what she had in mind. She had correctly heard that I had broken up with my then girlfriend, with whom I had long but unsatisfying relationship. She asked me if I would consider the possibility of a romantic relationship with her. I was completely shocked. It seemed a very bold move on her part.

Again, she was and remains a beautiful woman. I considered myself a very eligible bachelor, but mostly had dated women my own age. Also, the entire time I worked for her, I had forced myself to think of her as my manager first and a beautiful woman second. I ultimately succeeded with this, so it required a brain reset to imagine that we could be romantically involved. Lucky for me, the brain reset happened instantaneously, and I responded positively and enthusiastically to her question. We arranged for a dinner date that weekend, which led to a series of more dates, and ultimately a committed relationship.

From the very first date, it was clear that there would be something atypical about our relationship. It seemed like the manager/employee roles were still in place. This was in part an unconscious byproduct of the years I had spent working for her, but at certain times, it seemed very conscious on her part. For example, she would always tell me what our plans would be for any given weekend. She would pick restaurants, she would order the wine with our dinner, and she would even assign me little tasks to do at her home. I would be told to pick up her dry cleaning, make her bed, and I was even once told to spend an entire Saturday cleaning her home and getting it ready for a “girls’ party” (to which I was not invited) while she spent the day relaxing at a spa. The sex was very good (conventional, but good) so I did not complain. One night, however, I finally felt compelled to mention it to her.

She smiled at me and confessed that she was surprised it took so long for me to raise the issue. She said that she frankly liked the idea of being in charge in the relationship, and it was her suspicion that I did as well. I was completely shocked. Formal, overtly recognized female led relationship were a foreign concept to me, so I really didn’t even have any context in which to evaluate her statement. I remember very distinctly how she leaned into me, kissed me, and told me she wanted to explore something with me, and that I would need to trust her entirely over the next few weeks as we would experiment with something new in our relationship.

That night we basically entered into a modified boot camp as you describe in your book. She stood and disrobed in front of me, asking me to kneel and go down on her as she remained standing. She said that she cared for me very deeply, but she wanted to explore a relationship with me where I acknowledged her authority, and where I would be expected to obey her. That was the first night that my orgasms were ever “managed” by Beth.

It was like she found a magic switch inside my mind. That night began a female led relationship that has made me happier than I have ever been in my life. Beth shared with me your site, blog and book, and they have all helped tremendously. She awakened something in me that she knew was there, but I did not understand at all.

The next two weeks found Beth becoming increasingly comfortable with a growing level of authority in our relationship. As a result, I began to learn more about myself, and realized that my desire to please Beth in the past had been more than just career ambition; it was sourced from something much deeper and much more personal. My desire to make please a strong, beautiful woman was really an end in itself. Making Beth happy was making me happy. The sexual elements of our very special relationship not only intensified my desires to please her, but they intensified the satisfaction I took from pleasing her. This has been a sustainable benefit and has lasted way beyond those initial two weeks. To any that doubt it, orgasm management works!

I recently asked Beth to marry me, and she has lovingly agreed. Of course it will be on her terms, but as you can imagine, I would not have it any other way.

Jay in the Midwest

Ken responds…

The history of your relationship is a beautiful story and very well told. It is somewhat unusual for the woman to be the instigator in a female led relationship, but it sounds like your fiancé understood that this would benefit both of you.

Congratulations on your pending wedding!

-----

Dear Ken,

I had approached my wife about your website, giving her your book and CD, about four years ago. While we had a brief experiment and a couple of subsequent revisits to female authority, mostly it did not work for us. I believe that this was because it was just not something she wanted. She just did not see herself in the dominant role. However, several months ago, I repositioned LFA as a means to solving a shared problem between us, and now it is working amazingly well. I wanted to share my success with your readers.

My wife is in her middle forties. Her moving beyond child-bearing years (we have two wonderful teenage children) has been accompanied by a decline in her interest in sex. This has been the subject of a number of small arguments between us lately. All of these arguments take place without mentioning the white elephant in the room, the fact that only a few years ago, I was asking her to consider a relationship dynamic where I would put our sex life completely in her hands. While she rejected this, it was still an option I had put on the table. Therefore, she felt very comfortable scaling back the frequency of our sexual intimacy regardless of how I felt about it. I saw her point, but I was still not happy about it. However, the more I thought about my predicament, the more I saw an opportunity in the making.

In large part because of what your site has taught me about myself, I know that sex is not the ultimate goal for me. My desire for sex is a proxy for my desire to achieve an intimate connection with my wife. I also know that I can achieve a higher level intimate connection without sexual intercourse. If she affords me a dominant intimate encounter, a moment of connection between us where she exerts her authority through verbal cues and allows some form of intimacy to occur, then I have received something even more satisfying than intercourse. Given that her level of sexual desire has decreased (but certainly not disappeared), this allows us to meet in the middle and both come out winners. My nagging her about not having enough sex goes away. Her having to give in to a quickie she really does not want also go away. However, our intimacy level in the relationship nonetheless goes up. Again, we all win.

The only trick is getting her comfortable with those dominant, intimate moments. If for example, I try to initiate sex by kissing on her earlobe when we are alone at night, her simply pulling away and refusing me only results in frustration. However, if she kisses me back passionately before telling me to get some lotion and rub her feet “because that is what will make her happy tonight”… then this is something else entirely. In the latter case, I have had some intimacy in being kissed back, and she has made the foot rub much more meaningful than if I had just offered it on my own. Because she has told me to do it as a preferred alternative to sexual intercourse, I feel that she is managing our sexuality and the foot rub is a meaningful expression of my affection for her as I know it is what she wants.

I don’t know if I’m making sense, but I am trying to explain that wives who struggle (like my wife did) with “playing along” with an LFA, can really use small gestures to accomplish a great deal of emotional intimacy with their husbands. A passionate kiss as you give your husband as you hand him a to-do list and tell him that “you’ll do these things for me” may seem like nothing to you, but it would be the world to me (and men like me). It is the combination of this intimacy and gesture of authority that really hits the nail on the head.

Unsigned

Ken responds,

I love it. Dominant intimate moments, maybe we should call them DFI’s, are exactly what many men crave during the day. Many men fantasize about endless oral sex with their wives, but the practical reality is that men’s libido often outpaces a woman’s. Pairing a command with affection can do a great deal to reinforce a man’s need to submit. It is the core of what we describe in our books about increasing the level of sexual energy in the relationship without necessarily increasing the level of sexual intercourse.

-----

Dear Emily,

Thank you. My wife and I started dabbling in a wife led marriage last August. That was two days after I stumbled upon your site late one night. There is no question that your site has changed our lives for the better. However, I do have a few questions.

- My wife has never formally asserted her authority, as suggested in your book. We talked a little after she read your book and were going in that direction anyway, but no formal talk about new roles. Is it too late and/or am I out of line wanting such a discussion?

- My wife knows from reading - and experience - how taking a tone of authority simply works for me (us). I perform my tasks so much more willingly when she makes her expectations clear and our roles obvious. My complaint is that she does it sparingly. I know it's my job to show her all the benefits of this agreement (as we call it), but I feel like if she really wanted to live a true Around Her Finger marriage, she would take a little more initiative.

I know this sounds like a list of complaints - and you've heard them all before - but it's not. My marriage is 100 percent improved since we tried this arrangement (in every way imaginable). I was scared to death to share this site with my wife, but she has been gracious and understanding throughout. We have had ups and downs with this the past year, but every time she tells me this is how she wants it. All I am saying is that if her authority were more clearly stated and reinforced, I am pretty sure I'd hold up my end better.

I don't think she would be upset if I contacted you on this. I know I'll share your response with her if I get one - if you think that's a good idea. Obviously, I'd love to have her contact you directly, but that's up to her.

Thanks again for your site. It has changed our lives.

Jim

Ken responds...

First, it is never too late to formalize roles. In fact, it is expected that you will have an ongoing dialogue about how any element of the relationship is or is not working for both of you.

The same goes for your second point. It sounds like there are a number of elements of AHF that are not present to your satisfaction. It is ok to complain, but you cannot just stop there. You need to engage your wife on these issues and have that sometimes difficult conversations that it takes to maximize the potential of where you can go together.

-----

Note: The following is the conclusion of an email exchange where a reader was encouraged to approach his wife about his desire for an Around Her Finger relationship.

Dear Ken,

A couple of days after I sent that email I had an opportunity to confess my desires for an FLR and so I took it. She thought I was weird and strange, but her libido went from zero to 1000, so I am feeling a bit more positive about it now. I told her we could have a 6 month trial run and she responded "Why 6 months? Why not forever?", so as predicted she has had a positive response to it. She has already completed a list of daily and weekly chores for me to perform and has started drafting a list of rules she wants me to follow. This is more enthusiastic than I expected but nothing for which I am not comfortable or prepared.

Time will tell on the orgasm management front, I just hope we can meet on some middle ground. I have an issue with pain in my groin if I go too long without release from an old hernia scar, but I think she will be sympathetic to that.

I think this answer was longer than you might have been asking for, but I will continue reading your blog and your book (when I get it).

Thanks again,

E

-----

Our books and CD’s can be found on the following sites:

http://www.amazon.com/Around-Her-Finger-Breathing-Relationship/dp/B0025UPLB6

As always, our books and CD’s can be found at: www.lulu.com/aroundherfinger/

Send questions, comments and success stories to Emily (dot) Addison (at) Gmail (dotcom)

April / May 2010

Spring is in the air. The weather is warm, bees are buzzing and the first of the flowers are blooming all around us. All of you husbands, enjoy an evening outside with your wife. Pour her a glass of wine and rub her feet. Let her know that nothing makes you happier than putting her needs above your own.

Emily

We are excited to note that the first book, Around Her Finger, can now be found at Amazon.com. Here is the link below:

http://www.amazon.com/Around-Her-Finger-Breathing-Relationship/dp/B0025UPLB6

As always, our books and CD’s can be found at:

www.lulu.com/aroundherfinger/

Send questions, comments and success stories to Emily (dot) Addison (at) Gmail (dotcom)


Letters from Women

Dear Emily,

I am completely confused by the idea that I will somehow make my husband happy by withholding from the very thing that he seems to want above just about everything else: an orgasm.

Unsigned

Emily responds…

Orgasm management seems irrational on the surface. Men seem to be completely wired for seeking out orgasms. When they are around women, their focus is on sex (and sexual climax). When they are not around women, they masturbate. Why then, would we presume that any man’s path to happiness would lie in withholding the very thing that seems to be the center of his universe?

The truth is that men are funny creatures. Do they want the physical satisfaction of an orgasm? Absolutely they do. Is that the highest value objective that they have? Absolutely not. Whether they are aware of it or not, what they really need is much more complicated. They need affection, they need love, they need attention, and they need to know that their sexuality is not being ignored.

Consider two wives that climb into bed with their husbands and both give their spouses the news that they will not being having sex (or if you prefer, an orgasm). One wife rolls over and tells her husband that she is tired and needs to get up early. The other kisses her husband passionately, grabs his manhood forcefully in her hand, and tells him that they will not be having sex because she wants him “thinking about her all night and waking up ready to do whatever she tells him in the morning.”

The first husband has been rejected and ignored. The second husband has been validated as a man and his sexual energy has been channeled to where it will be the most useful… in service to his wife.

Letters from Men

Dear Ken,

I screwed up. I got in a huge fight with my wife over something stupid and petty, and I childishly gave her the silent treatment for two days. She became mad at me and in turn gave me the silent treatment. This would have been just a typical little spat between husband and wife except for the fact that before she gave the silent treatment to me…she threw my interest in loving female authority right in my face.

As background, I need to tell you that we were NOT in a female led relationship at the time of our disagreement. I had wished that we were. I had wished it ever since I stumbled on your site several years ago. I even went so far as working up the courage to give her your book on Valentine’s Day which was my first real attempt to ever share my feelings on this subject. She responded by not reacting at all. She said nothing about the book, and when I finally asked her what she thought about it, she indicated that she had skimmed it, but she had no interest and did not even want to talk about it. To be honest, I was hurt and felt rejected.

So that brings me back to what she said following our argument. She told me that if I was so damn interested in having her in charge, then I should start acting like it. That really took me back. She was right, but as you know and have said over and over: until it is really made official and acknowledged openly in the relationship, it is really hard for a submissive man to maintain his obedient attitude toward his wife. This is the great truth and wisdom of your site and your book. It is central to everything that I know and feel about my submission.

My wife stormed out of the house and that started the ball rolling on what turned out to be the opening to the best thing that ever happened to me and to us as a couple. Her angry comments touched off the submissive in me, and I went into action. I rushed to gather her laundry and get it into the washing machine. I ran around the house like a mad man cleaning up several messes I had left piled up for days and fixing a broken hinge on a cabinet that she had been after me to fix for months. I rushed out to the store to buy her flowers, candy, wine and a gift basket of lotions (including foot lotion) from Bath and Body Works. I also bought her a CD I knew she had wanted to get and several items from Victoria’s Secrets, all of which I wrapped or put into gift baskets.

It was late when I finished shopping, and she had beaten me home, so I walked back into the house with all of these item bundled in my arms. The kitchen and living room were dark, but I saw that the light in what I used to call “my” office. She sat in front of the computer, her back to me, wearing a robe. She knew perfectly well that I had walked into the room even though I said nothing. I looked at the computer screen in front of her and I was totally blown away to see that it was your site. (I later learned that she actually wrote Emily an email that night to which she responded personally but never put on the blog.)

She swiveled around in the chair and looked right into my eyes. She acknowledged the gifts I brought her and asked me to hand them to her. I did and she immediately asked me to kneel in front of her. I looked up at her as she opened my gifts one by one. It was hard for me to concentrate as my mind was racing a thousand miles a minute.

When she was done opening the gifts, she said nothing. She looked down and me and just stared at me for what seemed like a very long time. I started to speak, but she held up her finger to her mouth indicating she wanted me to remain quiet. I then watched in silence as she undid her robe and revealed that she was wearing a very sexy bra, but no panties. I took my cue and immediately began to kiss her between her legs and to pleasure her. I felt her hand stroke the back of my hair as she told me that from that point forward she was in charge and she expected that I would obey her. I would have orgasms only when she told me it was ok to do so. I would be given a list of chores I was expected to do, and I would do them without complaining.

Since that night our relationship is 100% female led. It is as others on this blog have described. We are perfectly happy and “normal” 99% of the time, but there is a constant understanding that she is the alpha spouse in the relationship. The biggest surprise has been how completely she had adopted to this new reality and how completely happy it has made her. She is not the least bit inhibited and is completely comfortable telling me what I need to do to please her.

Candidly, I know she was initially concerned that this would somehow emasculate me, but I have proven to her that that was no risk. I still have times when I am sexually very aggressive with her, but she absolutely loves stopping me in the middle of intercourse and having me switch to using a toy on her. This allows her to finish with explosive orgasms while I am left in the heightened sense of intimacy and arousal that orgasm management provides. This makes for post-sex cuddling (vs sleeping) and has afforded me the ability to truly be the communicator she needs me to be. She calls these moments her “emotional orgasms” and she values them tremendously. Truth be told, so do I.

Thank you so much for your site. I am glad I stuck with you.

Unsigned

Ken responds...

We have often seen the situation where once the seed is planted, it sprouts at the oddest times. You laid the groundwork but needed the argument to serve as a catalyst for both your submission and her own sense of empowerment.

Congraulations!

----

Our books and CD’s can be found on the following sites:

http://www.amazon.com/Around-Her-Finger-Breathing-Relationship/dp/B0025UPLB6

As always, our books and CD’s can be found at: www.lulu.com/aroundherfinger/

Send questions, comments and success stories to Emily (dot) Addison (at) Gmail (dotcom)

February 2010 Updates

I know it has been a very long time since our last update. Please know that our passion for this topic has not diminished at all. It is only that new priorities are finding their way into our lives and we cannot dedicate the time to these pages that we wish we always wish we could.

Our long absence has given us a larger than usual collection of letters to which we could respond, so hopefully we have chosen from these carefully enough to provide some fresh and relevant insights into the topic of female led relationships.

For this update, I have chosen to provide a spectacular pair of letters, one from a husband and one from his wife. I hope that the quality of these exchanges makes up for the lack of quantity that we have been providing as of late.

Happy Valentines Day,

Emily


We are excited to note that the first book, Around Her Finger, can now be found at Amazon.com. Here is the link below:

http://www.amazon.com/Around-Her-Finger-Breathing-Relationship/dp/B0025UPLB6

As always, our books and CD’s can be found at:

www.lulu.com/aroundherfinger/

Send questions, comments and success stories to Emily (dot) Addison (at) Gmail (dotcom)

Letters from Men

Dear Emily and Ken,

Let me first set the context. I love, love, love my wife. I love her more than the day we first met (almost twenty years ago), and my love for her is more important than whether or not she ever wanted to cater to my interest in Around Her Finger.

I have been discussing my interest in a female led relationship with my wife for about two years. I will admit I had not gone so far as to give her your book or show her your web site, but I had been fairly forthcoming about my submission. She had been pretty much disinterested in the concept, but I certainly noticed that her interest in the idea seemed to bubble up every time we got in a disagreement about a major decision. At these times, she wanted to remind me of my discussions. She did not want to do any of the overt demonstrations of her authority that I felt like I needed, but she did seem to want to have her way. I just knew I wanted to submit fully to her if she would just do the very basic things that would cement our roles in the relationship and occasionally remind me of those roles. Stealth submission had just not cut it for me.

Recently, a very significant financial decision came up in our house, and we were very at odds about how we would deal with it. She gave me a much too disguised reminder that I was the one that wanted the female led relationship, and I seized on it as a moment to have another discussion about how badly I want her to be in charge, but I want her to be willing to meet me half way. She had to recognize and address my very real needs in the arrangement as well.

I made notes on what I wanted to say, and I practiced my conversation very carefully. I told her that first and foremost, while I initially disagreed with her on the financial decision, I trusted her judgment, and I would be perfectly willing to not only concede to her the final decision, but that I would enthusiastically support that decision after she made it. However, I wanted her to recognize that my comfort and support for this decision would be much stronger if it were part of a true female led relationship like we had discussed previously. Most importantly, I want her to establish her authority in the relationship and maintain it. I absolutely needed to hear her tell me that she understands that she is in charge and that she expects me to respect our roles. It cannot just be something unspoken between us.

She initially protested, saying it was already this way. I explained to her that it was not. It was absolutely an unspoken understanding, and for me that was the problem. I did do my best to try to honor her wishes in the relationship, but the fact that she had never formally declared it was a source of great frustration for me. If she would declare it, and reinforce it over time, it would be a dream come true for me. She got angry and walked away from me, and I figured it was just another lost opportunity.

That night, I walked into our bedroom after doing some work in my office. She was sitting in her robe watching television, and as I approached her to sit down next to her on the couch, she stopped me. She handed me a tube of moisturizer. She gave me a very firm command to rub her feet. It was not an ask, it was a tell. I know that there are other men out there that understand the world of difference between their wife asking them to do something, versus telling them to do something. I immediately dropped down to my knees and began to rub her feet. She then told me that her decision on the matter in question was hers and hers alone. All decisions were hers ultimately to make if she so chose. She expected my support on the decision.

My heart was beating a hundred miles a minute. There is no way anyone that is not submissive could understand this, but this was a dream for me. I told her she could absolutely expect my support. She then pushed open her robe and revealed her naked body to me. I immediately put my head between her legs and went down on her for thirty minutes, bringing her to orgasm several times before she stopped me and had me go fix her a cup of herbal tea. We then sat together on the couch, her head on my lap, and watched television without saying another word on the topic until she announced she was going to go to bed. As we both got under the covers, she told me that she had meant what she had said earlier. She said, "I'm in charge, and I'm going to act like it, and you are going to respect it." I hugged her and spent a restless night basking in what had just happened.

[Additional paragraphs deleted at couple’s request]

Unsigned

Note from Emily: We received that letter three months ago. The following letter from his wife arrived last week.

Letters from Women

Dear Emily,

I just learned that my husband sent you a letter providing details from our marriage. I was not entirely happy with him doing this, but I understand his motivation, and I have come to agree that there is some value in sharing our story with others. However, if you decide to publish his letter (and mine) can you please delete the final paragraphs of his email where he discusses [omitted], in order to respect my privacy concerns?

I ultimately agreed with my husband that it made sense to share our story with others on this site because 1) I was dead set against this idea at the beginning, and 2) I now think it is the best thing that has ever happened to both of us.

I was raised in a traditional home with conservative values. I just did not want to think of my husband as “submissive”. Now that I have started down this road, I absolutely still do not think of him as submissive. I think of him as the same strong, confident, alpha male I married. Just because I am higher than him on the pecking order, that does not mean that he is lowly and submissive by any stretch of the imagination. I am just one step higher, and I am ultimately in charge. It is like the major or colonel in the military is not any less of a man just because the general can tell him what to do. It is the same with me and him. It is just a matter of respecting authority.

We just click together better now as a couple. There is less tension, fewer arguments, and more fun, romance and intimacy in our relationship. I have grown in my willingness to let him give of himself sexually. He wants to put my own physical pleasure above and even at the expense of my own, and I have become more willing to let him express himself this way. I have finally come to understand that no orgasm can ever bring him the same level of satisfaction on a physical level that my denying that orgasm brings him on an emotional and spiritual level. He just overflows with tender affection for me when our intimacy results in my own climax and not his.

Unsigned

Emily responds to both letters...

Just when I think there is nothing new under the sun as far as articulating a method which makes it easy for a woman to accept a female led relationship, I am given another. Your military analogy is certainly new to me, and it is certainly one of if not the single best metaphors I have ever seen.

Men who crave loving female authority tend to be comortable with the word "submissive" to describe themselves, but women tend not to be comfortable with the term to describe their husbands. Your analogy formally establishes the female led hierarchy without infringing on your perception of your husband as the strong man with whom you fell in love.

Bravo!

Around Her Finger, can now be found at Amazon.com. Here is the link below:

http://www.amazon.com/Around-Her-Finger-Breathing-Relationship/dp/B0025UPLB6

As always, our books and CD’s can be found at:

www.lulu.com/aroundherfinger/

Send questions, comments and success stories to Emily (dot) Addison (at) Gmail (dotcom)

July/August/September Update

Welcome to the updates!


Yes, I know that we are getting less and less reliable with our updates. I wish I could promise that it will get better soon, but I can only tell you that we aspire to more more regular updates, and we hope to return to a more predictable routine soon. Like many others, the economy has us dealing with new priorities and challenges. That doesn't mean our work is here is less important, it just means that it may have to sit on the backburner for a while.


Emily


We are excited to note that the first book, Around Her Finger, can now be found at Amazon.com. Here is the link below:


Around Her Finger at Amazon


As always, our books and CD’s can be found at:


www.lulu.com/aroundherfinger/


Send questions, comments and success stories to Emily (dot) Addison (at) Gmail (dotcom)


Letters from Women


Dear Emily,


My husband bought me your book for my birthday last year. He's really interested in a female-led relationship. I tried to be OK with it, (I even bought him a special book at Christmas for me to write in his "to do lists"). However, I felt really uncomfortable.


I was worried that I had become or was in danger of becoming lazy or selfish. He always said that would never happen as he knows I'm not selfish. I just felt awful that he was doing loads of chores when he was the one who'd been working. (I have very few hours of various creative jobs so am at home more than he.) I also felt worried that his motivation for doing things was sexual. I started to worry that his doing things for me was more to do with his sexual buzz than about just wanting to do them.


I spoke to him about my concerns and he said he understands. He said he loves doing things for me and being my knight in shining armour-but I just felt stuck in a game that didn't make me feel good. I wanted him to remember or think of doing things-whether something nice such as getting a little gift or changing the bed, whereas he said he wanted me to tell him to do them. I spoke to him a little while ago and he said that if he was in the "around-her-finger-mode" he would get better at doing things without me telling him. I found it uncomfortable when I'd asked him to do something and he had told me that he likes doing things for me.


Not that it was a bad thing to hear, but I found it awkward that he drew attention to everything that I'd asked him to do. I don't know why I found it uncomfortable-I guess I just wanted to feel "normal" not as though I was continuously in a game I wasn't sure I wanted to play. As you probably gathered, we stopped-probably within a few months. However, he wants to try again and said that we don't have to be so specific with a list, which I found hard. He's been so understanding and said he's happy whether or not we do adopt the "around-her-finger" relationship, but I know that is what he really wants. I guess I don't want to feel that horrible unease in the back of my mind that I'm turning into someone I don't want to be, nor do I want to have to disappoint him by never being OK with it when he really wants it to work for us.


Has anyone else written with concerns like mine? I would really appreciate your thoughts.


Many thanks,


Nette from London


Emily responds...


Nette, what a wonderful letter, and it is not the first we have received expressing your concern. Your concern, by the way, is very valid... you should not have to find yourself living a life that centers around his fantasy. He is the one that wants to submit to your desires, not the other way around. The challenge is finding a way to give him a way to sense your loving female authority in the relationship without making an uncomfortable charade out of your life together. The good news is that I am comfortable that you can find this middle ground.


For starters, feel free to tell him that the constant to do lists and expectations of him doing everything are officialy gone. If you want something, you will ask him to do it. If he feels generally motivated to do something nice for you, he may feel free so long as he does not overdue it to the point of making you uncomfortable. In turn, you should pick occasional but very impactful moments to demonstrate LFA. Perhaps once every couple of weeks you can tell him rather than ask him to do something and employ a particularly stern tone when doing so. Maybe once a month you can have a girls night out where you do not not tell him your plans until you are on your way out the door. Expressions of your freedom to what you want to do, when you want to do it are as powerful a demonstration of your authority as commands. Above all else, practice orgasm management with some cadence that lets you continue to feel normal but gives him at least an occasional dose of the "brain candy" that this practice deliver for submissive men. His spending time pleasuring you with no subsequent release is extremely powerful.


I truly hope this helps.


Letters from Men


Dear Ken,


I have finally solved the dilemma that my wife and I have regarding orgasm management. On the surface, there seems to be a paradox. The man both wants (desperately) to have an orgasm, but also wants (desperately) to be denied. One impulse is physical... even evolutionary. The other is mental.


While I suppose we can all understand this dichotomy, the more practical question is how the wife of a submissive husband is expected to resolve this in the context of a reward/discipline framework in the relationship? If the husband is particularly attentive, does he get to have an orgasm? If the husband behaves childishly and impulsively, does he get denied? On some level, both climax and denial are a reward.


In our house, we have now adopted the idea that my reward is oral intimacy with my wife. For me, nothing (and I really mean nothing) brings me more contentment and gratification than going down on my wife. My punishment is not the denial of orgasm, but rather the denial of providing her oral sex. To add to this, the decision of whether or not I climax or not is now completely disconnected from how I have behaved during the week. Following oral sex, my wife will typically have me penetrate her. However, whether or not I am allowed to proceed to climax is typically predetermined by her by flipping a coin earlier in the evening. I suppose that she may or may not choose to intervene with her own judgement as she does not share the outcome of the coin toss with me until after penetrative sex has begun, but she at least allows the appearance of an arbitrary event to disconnect her from the decision.


This has been very effective in our relationship. Thank you for everything you both do,


Chad in Denver


Ken responds...


If you have read our books, we discuss the power of the arbitrary event in managing orgasms in some detail. I agree that it is highly effective. Congratulations on the continued success of your relationship.

-----


Emily and Ken,

I hope you are both well.

Our FLR marriage is progressing well. She has made it clear that there is no going back and this is how she wants our marriage. There are always fluctuations in intensity from both of us, but I am finally learning some patience.

So thanks to you both. Your work helped her dip her toe in the FLR waters and decide if it was to her liking - it was.

Take care,


Unsigned


Ken responds...


Every success story makes us happy . Thanks for sharing.

-----

Our books and CD’s can be found at www.lulu.com/aroundherfinger/

And now at Amazon:

Around Her Finger at Amazon

May/June 2009

Welcome to the May/June Updates

I appreciate the many letters of concern that came in during our absence from the updates on this page. It is nice to be missed. We remain committed to finding a partner that can help shepherd the content for our site. We are still looking for that right person, or ideally, the right couple.

Our very mission requires that the content on these pages is carefully controlled so that it remains the soft-landing zone that is virtually non-existent elsewhere.

What we seek is someone who would be a true partner. Someone who would be willing to shepherd the content, contribute to responses, and effectively give us a bit of a break from the day to day. We are not sure exactly how this would work, but we would be willing to entertain suggestions.

Emily

Note: We are excited to note that the first book, Around Her Finger, can now be found at Amazon.com. Here is the link below:

Around Her Finger at Amazon

As always, our books and CD’s can be found at

www.lulu.com/aroundherfinger/

Send questions, comments and success stories to Emily (dot) Addison (at) Gmail (dotcom)

Letters from Women

Dear Emily,

A very close friend of mine showed me your site. She said that her and her husband have been living a female led relationship for the last two years, and she felt she could not keep it from me any longer. She said it has been such a positive thing for her relationship with her husband that she had to share it with me.

I was absolutely shocked when she did. My friend and I grew up together in a small southern town. She met her husband in college, and I have known him myself for fifteen years. I would never have thought this was something he wanted. I will admit that my friend has always worn the pants in the family, so maybe I shouldn’t be surprised. It is just the extent to which she is now in control and the extent to which this makes him happy that I suppose is the surprise.

He opened up to her about your site and his feelings. She had no problem at all with any of it, and she read everything on your site and [others] because if this was something he wanted, she wanted to learn everything she could about how to make it work. She didn’t suspect anything, because she had never heard of anything like this.

The way she talks about what this had done for their relationship has me very jealous. I have always noticed, even before the last two years, that her husband doted on her hand and foot. Lately, however, he has been nothing but a saint around her. Also, he has lost weight, spends more time with their kids, and just seems happier.

I am writing now because I have decided that I also want this with my husband. How do I go about this? My situation is similar to the story told in your book where there are two couples and one learns about this from the other, but is this really the best way to go about it?

Unsigned

Emily responds…

While I think the duration and nature of your friendship make it ok that your friend shared this secret with you, I would advise that you not open up to your husband about your friend, but rather keep it self-contained within your own household.

Tell your husband that you want to try some new things in the bedroom beginning on a Friday night. Have him strip and wait for you on his knees in front of a chair in the bedroom or at the edge of the bed. Wearing something sexy, saunter back into the room and sit down with him remaining on his knees. Tell (don’t’ ask) him to rub your feet, kiss your feet and massage your legs. Have him remove your panties and as he begins to bring you pleasure, tell him that you want to try a two week experiment, and that he must be willing to commit to moving forward with the entire two weeks or it will all end now. Explain the experiment will put you in control of his orgasms.

Show him the world that you can open up for him when he gives you pleasure without climaxing himself. Embrace the emotional connection that this creates for the two of you. Insist that he channel his sexual energy into acts of service to you during the week. Have him spend his evenings on his knees in front of you and show him how loved and appreciated he is in this position. In other words, show him loving female authority at its best. Then, towards the end of the week, give him our book or show him the site. Allow him to make an intellectual decision based on his emotional satisfaction.

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Dear Emily,

I have a friend who has introduced me to your web site. I find it intriguing. At first I was kind of dismissive. The more I talk to my friend the more interested I am. He seems very happy and our discussions have given me a more open mind.

I would like to commend you on your web site and let you know that reading the letters gives me hope that when the time comes I will be able to have an FLR that will satisfy not only me but my partner. My friend shares with me his experiences and he also seems fulfilled. Thanks for sharing this wonderful view.

Sabrina

Emily responds…

You nailed it on the head when you talked about having an open mind, Sabrina. This is key to success in any relationship, but particularly in an Around Her Finger relationship.

Letters from Men

Dear Emily and Ken,

I apologize in advance that this email is so long.I am writing to you with an Around Her Finger success story. We implemented loving female authority in our marriage a little over three months ago. While I do not consider myself submissive in general, I do have intensely submissive feelings toward my wife. Your writings have been such a big help to me.

Our background is that my wife and I had been married for almost twelve years when I introduced her to your website and asked her to consider implementing LFA. We have two elementary school-age children and we both work fulltime in demanding, professional occupations. We already had a solid marriage with good communication, intimacy, partnership and trust before LFA.I was a little worried that she would find the suggestion of LFA weird, but maybe less concerned than some of the other men who write to you.

In some ways our marriage was already led by her – it was just unspoken. My wife went to a prestigious private college where she obtained multiple degrees and then went on to get a post-graduate degree and a professional credential. She has been successful in her career, often leading whatever she is working on. She is also a leader in our extended family, the kids’ school and everywhere else she is present. I have a bachelor’s degree from a state university. My career has been successful also, but I tend to work more in support roles. I earn considerably less than she does.

When we were married, she made sure that the promise to obey was omitted from her vows. She kept her name and suggested (but did not insist) that I take her name. We both kept our own names. She assumed control of our finances at the beginning of our marriage and we are in good financial shape thanks to her. I haven’t seen my paycheck since I was single and I give her all of my debit receipts. I have access to all of the accounts, but it is understood that I leave them alone. We have always discussed big purchases beforehand. She directed the conversations that led to our decision to buy a house and later to start a family. She has never been bossy or an autocrat, but she has a vision for our life together and she makes sure that things that are important to her and good for us happen in a timely manner. None of this constitutes a LFA dynamic, but in some ways it was not such a stretch for us.

Before LFA, we had a great sex life and I have always felt very lucky. We were open-minded and adventurous in the bedroom. She has never been shy about communicating what she wants and what her limits are. She introduced me to certain things early in our marriage and encouraged certain behaviors in me. I have become comfortable with these things, and over the years I have come to crave them (they are things that I think most submissive male readers of your website would relish). I would not, however, describe our pre-LFA sex life as one where she was completely in-charge. It was more give and take, and we often had sex more on my terms. I was not in the habit of offering her foot rubs or massages, and she never requested them. As you might guess, things are different now.

While I have always done a lot of the cooking, shopping, housework, etc, she has often done as much or more. In the past she would suggest household projects and I would often put her off. I recently learned that she would sometimes not suggest a project just because she did not want to have to argue with me about it. She would make our social plans and I would push back if I had other preferences. We would sometimes disagree on child rearing / discipline issues. I have mostly controlled the remote. All of these things sometimes resulted in minor (but upsetting) arguments that I usually lost. She suggested for several years that we hire someone to do our yard work (which I did myself); she wanted me to do more work inside. I finally acquiesced to her on this a couple years ago and now I wonder why I waited so long. There are many other past examples of unnecessary, low-level friction. With LFA, the petty bickering is virtually non-existent. She decides on the household projects and their priorities, our social calendar, etc. I put in my two cents and then she tells me what we’re doing. If I disagree, I try to just let it go and it always seems to work out fine.

When I brought up LFA, she was surprised and confused. She stayed open-minded however, read your website and a few days later told me that we could give it a try. We both acknowledged our roles and gave it a go. We both read your book and discussed LFA a lot. She later told me that one of her main concerns was that this was just a phase for me. I replied that she has a valid concern…I don’t know how I will feel in the future but I believe I am submissive toward her and she has authority as long as she is willing to exercise it. She seems to have accepted that answer. Except for a few setbacks, it has gone great for us.

Even if she had rejected LFA, I would have felt a lot better. When I brought this idea to her, she did not express any disappointment toward me and she did not act like she thinks I am a weirdo. It felt great to be accepted by her on something as personal as feelings of submission. It made me feel very open to her and I just love her for that. She did not, however, reject LFA and she seems comfortable with her role. In fact, shortly after we started the boot camp period she said that LFA is the “natural order.” She made this statement during an intimate time when she had my complete attention and the comment has stuck.

Our everyday life now is in many ways the same as before except I am busier at home, which I have found I like. When we were first married, she said I am like Hestia (the Greek goddess of the hearth and home). She wasn’t mocking me or calling me effeminate. What she meant is that she observed that I find contentment in the mundane tasks of keeping the house in order. I enjoy the process of cooking and cleaning and take my time to do it nicely. It is sort of a meditative time for me, whereas she is just trying to get it over with. With LFA, I have been reminded of her keen observation from many years ago, and I agree with her.

Here’s how a typical day might go since we implemented LFA: We wake up at the same time. After she indicates she has had the attention (if any) she wants, I get in the shower and she goes for her morning exercise. I then make the coffee and get the kids up. I prepare the kids’ breakfast / help them prepare it. When she comes into the kitchen I have her breakfast on the table the way she likes it. I serve her coffee and give her a soft kiss on the cheek (she established this little routine the first week we implemented LFA). I have my coffee, make our lunches, clean-up from breakfast and make our bed. We go to work at about the same time. I exercise at lunch. We touch base throughout the day, often with romantic text messages. In the evening I make dinner and do the dishes. If I’m working late or have some other commitment, she cooks and maybe cleans up. In the evening I’ll run a bath and make some tea or cocktails. After the kids go to bed I serve drinks and often lotion her feet and/ or give her a massage. I now do almost all of the laundry, including hers, and make sure it is put away properly. I also do any other tasks and errands she gives me (there are plenty) and I have some long-term projects that she gave me that I am chipping away at. She is by no means just relaxing all the time. There is plenty for us both to do, but she does have more down time than in the past and our house is cleaner now.

We also implemented orgasm management. We found that this requires a lot of candid conversation. After a few weeks, we became well-established in this. I had a very hard time sleeping during the first two to three weeks, even for just one night of orgasm management. I have now adjusted and I can (usually) sleep even when she keeps me keyed-up. For her I think it was difficult at first to deny me; she wants to make me feel good. She now thoroughly enjoys orgasm management; she has told me so. This may sound bizarre, but I usually do not know whether I want an orgasm. I become confused and feel conflicted about it. I want an orgasm of course, but I also love the vibe that orgasm management creates for us and I don’t want it to end. This is when I just trust her judgment. Trust is what makes it possible to do what she says without hesitation.

There is no denying the increase in intimacy and that is great for us as a couple. I have connected with her in a way that I simply hadn’t before. It is great. I feel like I have rediscovered how sexy and beautiful she is and I tell her all the time. We do not seem to have less sex (maybe more); we have different sex and it is wonderful. We are more affectionate, talk more during and after sex and we are unrushed. She is comfortable having the focus on her and I have found this to be deeply fulfilling for me. I also have a better understanding of what I really need from our intimate times. I will still initiate sex, but with the understanding that she may say no – and I don’t feel rejected at these times. Orgasm management is a big adjustment, but it really does result in increased closeness. It also reinforces our roles in this dynamic. I think that perhaps this is something that a couple has to experience in order to appreciate.

There are a few things I have found helpful as we settle into the LFA part of our relationship. Nothing new…most or all of these things are mentioned on your website and blog. I only mention them as they seem particularly relevant to me and my marriage: (1) I have to be patient. It is counterproductive when I try to set the pace. (2) I have made an effort to disregard my prior ideas of what I think a wife led marriage should mean for my wife. I realized the obvious: that this needs to go according to how she views a wife led marriage. I have also learned that I love doing this her way. (3) I cannot expect her to tell me everything she wants. That is unrealistic. It’s a hassle for her to try and it’s not her style. I am an adult and she expects me to act like one (and I want her respect). This means I need to read between the lines and keep her communication preferences in mind. If she says, “It would be nice to have some tea,” she means, “Go make tea now.” If she says, “I noticed that the bathtub is a little dirty,” she means, “You need to clean the tub.” She wants me to plan and organize my chores and then tell her so she can change my plans if she chooses. She does not want the burden of planning my schedule. She also appreciates it if I offer to do things or do them without any discussion. She generally won’t give orders, but she asserts her authority effectively on her terms. (4) I have found that it helps to read books on the things she wants me to do for her. I realize that she won’t take this seriously if I don’t. I try to do these things right, so she will be happy and inclined to let me do them again. When we started our LFA dynamic, she told me to learn how to do pedicures and massages. I bought books on both topics and am getting better at doing these things for her. This really paid off; she appreciates the effort. She let me know that I’m doing a good job, which made me feel fantastic.

I could go on for pages, but I’ll wrap-up. In summary, LFA has been great for us. I feel closer to my wife, we have rekindled romance and we have connected in new ways. We argue less and communicate better. There is a new sense of harmony in our home. I feel like I am being my true self with her and she accepts me. She knows that I love and adore her because I tell her so and demonstrate it by regularly doing things for her. She is very affectionate and giving toward me also. She seems sweeter and more feminine than ever. She is getting a little more relaxation time and some of the pampering she so deserves. For me one of the hardest parts of LFA is not telling other people about it. It’s not that I want to disclose my private life to everyone, but it is so great that I wish I could share my experience. That is one of the reasons for this letter.

I hope this letter finds you well. Thanks for everything!

Best regards,

Miles in North Carolina

Ken responds…

Your letter is one of the best success stories we have received in a very long time. Your relationship seems the model for LFA that so many seek to find. Your wife seems very secure in her role as a woman, and you are lucky to be able to serve her and work to make her happy. I am sure that many will read your letter and envy your success.

For others that share Miles’ situation -- where they already have a defacto FLR, but the dynamic has gone unspoken -- speak up! It is worth it for both of you.

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Dear Ken,

I want to share with you a story of patiently waiting (years) for my wife to finally embrace LFA and what it has meant for both of us.

I was an early fan of your site. I used to peruse the internet for any content on the topic of men submitting to women. In the early years of the net there was only pornographic content (on which I wasted many shameful hours), then finally intelligent content on this topic started to appear. When your pages went online, it was the first time that I felt anyone spoke to my specific situation.

I immediately started a campaign of stealth submission to my beautiful wife. She loved it, but despite her inquiries as to what was motivating me, I was very coy. I then worked up the courage to tell her that I didn’t feel that every time we were together that I needed to have an orgasm. She said she thought that this was silly, and she never once stopped me from climaxing despite my repeated, but tepid, attempts to discuss it.

After about eight weeks, the stealth submission began to frustrate me, and I gave up on it. While I’m sure she noticed, she didn’t really say anything about it. It was at least a year later that I made another go at it. This time, when she asked, I was prepared with a more thoughtful response to her questions as to what was behind my change in behavior towards her. I told her that I desired a higher-level of intimacy with her. By putting her on a pedestal, I felt like I could achieve that. I also told her that I felt like I felt like the more I did for her, the closer I felt to her, and it created a sense of build-up in affection for her. However, I felt like following sex and specifically following the orgasm, I felt like this feeling of deep affection receded. I asked her if she would at least be open to choosing some nights where did didn’t want me to climax. I suggested the red marble idea that was once suggested in these letters pages. When she put a red marble in the little candle dish next to our bed, I knew it was my signal from her to stop before I released.

She agreed to this, but only very reluctantly. She considered it very kinky, and made it clear that she did not want any part of it as she was not comfortable with it. She would try it for my sake only. Well, from my perspective, it was good while it lasted. We never got to the point where we discussed my submission and where we cemented a dynamic around her authority in the relationship, but I still felt the sense that she controlled something important to me, and the intensity of my feelings for her after being “managed” was wonderful. I felt like it aligned my brain chemistry (as you say) behind my true feelings, and allowed me to express my love in the way that my head knew my heart wanted to do.

Then one day, without any explanation, the marble disappeared from the little porcelain box where it remained when not in the candle dish. When I asked, she said that the whole thing just made her feel slutty, and she wanted no part of it. I was heartbroken.

Fast forward another two years. We were out of town on a vacation together, and both drinking way too much at dinner one night. That night we walked on the beach, and we talked about how perfect our lives were together. We were really lucky. We loved each other very much, we had a great family, we and the kids were healthy, and we were financially secure. She told me I was a great husband, a great father, a great provider and a great lover. Up to then, it was pretty a pretty picture perfect night. We held hands together and went back to our room together. I remember kneeling in front of her helping her out of her clothes. I was completely overcome with a sense of wanting to submit to her. We went to the bed together and I went down on her, only further intensifying my sense of submission. I pulled up and began making love to her, and I can remember so badly wanting to confess my submission.

Because I had been drinking, my stamina was much better than average. After some time and on my own initiative, I pulled out without climaxing. I lay beside my wife and began cuddling, playing with her hair, and generally adoring her. She asked me very pointedly why I didn’t want to finish. With my head still intoxicated, I told her I had something I needed to share with her.

At this point it all came out. I told her I had what felt like a very innate desire to put her on a pedestal, to worship her, adore her, and to actually obey her and to know she was in charge. I began to cry as I told her that I knew this was a strange thing for a man to be telling his wife, but that I felt it so strongly that keeping it inside didn’t seem fair. I knew this was not what she wanted, but I knew that it was what I wanted, and I hoped she would understand. I was perhaps stumbling with my words, but she did not understand at all.

“Do you want me to dominate you,” she asked. She had no frame of reference, and the word “dominate” was her grasping for context. I was sure she misunderstood, and I told her know. I told her I was not seeking some clichéd sort of bedroom play, I was seeking a more refined relationship style where she was in charge and demonstrated that in certain ways.

In the end, I was not doing a good job of communicating, and she was not able to get the picture you present on your site. The next morning was awkward, and thereafter we just didn’t talk about it. Sex was conventional in the following weeks, but to me it seemed that the elephant was always in the room. Out of desperation as much as anything else, I finally gave her your book. I had ordered the online version and read it, but this time I had the printed version delivered to our house in her name. I never saw the book, but I did validate (through Lulu) that it had been delivered.

It was almost eight weeks later that she first brought the topic up. Our kids were at her parents, and we had gone out to dinner. We got home and as we pulled into the driveway, she asked me if I had wondered if she ever got your book. I said that I did wonder a bit. She wanted to know if I had ever read the book. I told her that I had. “And this is what you want,” she said. I stopped the car at the top of the driveway.

“Yes,” I said, “I’d like you to consider it. It represents an opportunity for me to feel closer to you.”

That night our female-led relationship began. Perhaps it is not as intense as some of the people that write to you. It is very much structured around her comfort level and how it works to build on the bond between us. While I know that she did this initially to satisfy my needs in the relationship, I know she would not go back at this point. Once she got comfortable that this wasn’t sexual role playing but was rather a mechanism for relating to each other on a deeper level, it all clicked for her. I think the fringe benefits are also something she values. I do much more work around the house, I am often providing her massages on a table that I bough for her, and I have lost a great deal of weight as am taking better care of myself as well as her.

The most amazing thing about our new relationship is that it is 99% the same, but 100% more satisfying. That almost sounds crazy as I read it back, but it is true. We can easily go an entire day and our LFA relationship can be completely transparent. To summarize key differences, I would begin with the fact that she is much more open to telling what she want me to do and what she expects of me. This would be helpful in any marriage for a husband to have clarity on what his wife expects, and it is welcome in my own marriage. Secondly, I do more work around the house. This is largely a function of my first point and her openness to delegating more accountability to me. Third, there is more affection and communication between us. This is not my imagination, this is absolutely correct. I think of her ALL the time, and this is reflected in my attitude and interactions with her.

In truth, I think she is still building her comfort with the final differences in our relationship. She has still uses the green/red marble system for communicating whether or not she wants me to orgasm. She has just not gotten over the hump to where she speaks firmly and decisively in regard to her sexual wants, but I think that is all ok.

Unsigned

I love your letter. It is a testimony to patience on your part and understanding on hers. I am confident that she will recognize the benefits that this offers to both of you and grow in her comfort with LFA.

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Hi Emily and Ken,I

've written one or two letters to you in the past, and I've always found your site to be my best source of hope for introducing loving female authority to my wife. So, before I get to the point of this letter, I'll thank you again for the important non-threatening environment you provide for exploration of this topic. I read in your posted letters of couples that do find happiness and fulfillment through these ideals. Their successes have been inspirational to me.

I discovered your site more than two years ago, and soon after made a commitment to work for these ideals in my own marriage. It took me a year, but after several increasingly open and promising conversations with my wife I worked up the nerve to give her your book. That was fifteen months ago. I'm sad to report that I now wish that I had not started this journey. I'll explain.

First, any man who approaches his wife with this proposition needs to understand that there is grave risk of a spectacular misunderstanding on the part of his wife, regardless of sincerity or earnestness in his communication with her. Her reaction is simply not in his control. From my own experience, and from that of several men I have communicated with through online forums, some women are completely threatened by their husband asking for what is (essentially) a radical change in the dynamic of the marriage relationship. I guess I can't blame her: While I believe I was telling her that I would find joy and fulfillment in the two of us working as a team to put her needs first and foremost, she thinks I have been telling her that I'm unhappy with our relationship and that she needs to change. We've not had arguments about this, but she simply cannot get past this view no matter how I try to approach the topic. She believes this effort is an expression of my dissatisfaction with our life together. She's also afraid that I cannot be happy generally unless she accommodates these needs. That is not a happy result. The very last thing I ever wanted was to pressure her into uncomfortable behavior.

So, while I'm proud of myself for having the guts to open up completely with my wife about my feelings, I would take it all back if I could. I also caution other men before diving into the pool. My efforts have, ultimately, threatened the peace in what has been a decade-long, happy and contented marriage. We'll get through this, but I'm now with regret in the difficult process of trying to let all of this go and put it behind me as a failure. As you've often commented, something will always be missing for me - and I know precisely what that is. Ultimately, however, my wife seems simply unable to relate to the idea of my serving her needs and her expecting me to do so. It's just not in her wiring. My continuing to hope for more will only bring stress or resentment for both of us.

Thanks again,

Unsigned in Ohio

Emily responds…

While Ken typically responds to letters sent to us by men, I felt compelled to respond to yours.

You are not the first man to be rejected by his wife, and you will certainly not be the last. The risk of rejection is real, and that legitimizes the anxiety that men face in their decision of when and how to approach their wives. I will say that letters like your own are sometimes followed by much happier letters at later dates, but of course, some are not.

In your case, your wife feels that she alone cannot make you happy; she can only do so in conjunction with a female led dynamic. I think that she misunderstands your commitment to serve her, but I also think that she may not be open to an honest conversation on the topic. This is unfortunate.

My best advice is to serve her despite the fact that your sense of submission is not touched. We can all collectively hope that circumstances afford the opportunity to open this conversation once again.

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