October 2010

Fall 2010 Updates

The website if finally back up again. You can find it at www.aroundherfinger.com. An old email address and an expired credit card conspired to let our web hosting renewal slip through the cracks. I offer our sincere apologies for any inconvenience that this may have caused any of you. Also, let me express our great thanks to everyone that sent us emails alerting us to this concern and also expressing interest in getting the site back up and running.

All is well again!

Emily

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We are excited to note that the first book, Around Her Finger, can now be found at Amazon.com. Here is the link below:

http://www.amazon.com/Around-Her-Finger-Breathing-Relationship/dp/B0025UPLB6

As always, our books and CD’s can be found at:www.lulu.com/aroundherfinger/

Lulu now offers an Ipad version of the all of our books!Send questions, comments and success stories to Emily (dot) Addison (at) Gmail (dotcom)


Letters from Women

Hi Emily,

I wanted to thank you for your website and all of the work you guys have put into it. Let me first provide some background about myself and husband. I am from a wonderful family with loving parents still married and so is my husband. We both had a [very typical religious upbringing], and this relationship is possible for even very traditional persons such as myself and husband. I feel more in love with my husband and my husband trusts me more that he had ever before. I feel cherished, and I feel my husband is wonderful. I am complete.

My husband and I met in college and have been together for about six years now. We have been married for a little over one year. We had a normal relationship except that my libido had always been higher than my husbands. We rarely fought except to fight about sex. I would ask myself is there something wrong with me or is it my husband? We have great sex and a great emotional relationship, so why is this always an issue? I had a lot of shame and unhappiness because I could not figure out my husband and his libido and how to turn him on. This shame and guilt and frustration lasted for almost five and a half years until we went on vacation in the spring when my husband's libido started to increase out of nowhere. I was confused and timid, unsure of what was going on, but also happier than I had ever been before. My husband actually wanted to have sex more than once a week and more than once a day. He was so happy, so emotional, and I loved it.

After a month of the 'change' he finally told me that he had discovered your website and encouraged me to read it. I of course was interested because for so long I had struggled to find what made my husband tick and now he had figured it out. I read the part of the website for the females, and it clicked in my mind. This loving female led relationship was what was missing the whole time.

The first few weeks were wonderful. I felt like when we had first been together. But then my husband wanted more from me, a reasonable amount, but I was afraid. I had fear that it would end, and that I would be left like I had for years hurt and frustrated. So I was hesitant and we quit soon after a few weeks because my husband did not feel that it was a life change I had wanted, and that I was only doing it for him.

A month later I opened up to him, telling him that I missed some of the things we had done with the loving female led relationship and at that point I verbalized all of the things that I had wanted to continue to do. He immediately was turned back on again, and we have fit the roles very nicely since. This relationship change is not for all couples and without great communication skill and [self analysis] we could not have done it. My husband also should have been patient with me from the beginning. I realize he really wanted to make it happen but did not allow time for me to come to terms with what I wanted and needed for myself and our relationship.

So, men, be patient with the woman you love, and females, know yourself. You will do just fine making yourself and your husband very happy.

Thank you Emily! Best wishes!

Sincerely,

A.K.

Emily responds…

I imagine that many men reading your letter find themselves having quite the opposite problem than you and your husband had in your marriage. Men are more likely to have the higher libido, and it is worth noting that AHF relationships offer something for them as well. They may end up having less sex, but the will experience a higher level of sexual energy in the relationship. This comes from the sexual charge that orgasm management brings when it is coupled with overt displays of dominance on the part of their wives, as well as selfless acts of service on the part of the husband.

Also, I know that you are getting more out of the relationship than just the increased libido of your husband, and that is important. Remember to continue to make this about you and your needs. The focus on you will ultimately rebound and give your husband what he needs in return.

Continued best wishes in your marriage!

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Dear Emily,

I wonder if I am not loving this too much. Ever since I agreed to my husband’s suggestion that I take control in the marriage, I feel as though I have been completely liberated. It’s not like some letters I have read on here where women don’t do any of the household chores, get massages every night, or whatever fantasy scenario they might describe (sometimes it seems unrealistic). For me at least, it is different, but liberating is the right word.

For example, on any given night, I might still cook or do the dishes. But if I do not want to do the dishes, I tell him to do them. And now I know that if I walk up to him, get right in his face, bite his upper lip (gently and sensuously), whisper the command to do the dishes in his ear, that not only have I just avoided the task of doing the dishes, but I have actually given him an intense moment of sexual affection. As he does the dishes, he is actually excited to do them, and he is thinking of me the entire time. What a win-win situation! It is almost a miracle. The rest of the evening might be otherwise conventional, but for him that moment of loving female authority was an emotional high that he can ride all the way until he goes to sleep.

Sexually, it has also been liberating. Our sex life was not bad before, but I never felt free to really open up and communicate what I wanted out of the physical part of our relationship. For example, my husband has always performed oral sex on me as foreplay, but it has lasted for just a couple minutes before he quickly moved on to intercourse. Now, oral sex lasts as long as I want it to last, and if that is all it takes for me to climax, then that is where it ends. As it turns out, [my husband performing oral sex on me] is also an incredibly satisfying sexual experience for him. I never imagined that he enjoyed pleasuring me so much, and now that this is out on the table, we both embrace this activity. (It turns out that he actually enjoys performing oral sex on me over anything else we do sexually.)

I also love when in the middle of intercourse, I can decide to continue or to push him off of me. And as I am sure other women on here have noticed, he is unbelievable doting and attentive in the days that follow the nights when I stop him in mid-act. He becomes the perfect man, and don’t think my friends, sister and even my Mom has not noticed the change. It is really remarkable.

Unsigned

Emily responds…

He was always the perfect man, he just needed the perfect woman to bring it out of him!

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Letters from Men

Dear Emily,

I need some advice. I think I've been a fairly loving husband over the years. I have a good relationship with my wife and she recognizes that I do much more than most other men.

In the past few months I've introduced my wife to the concept of FLA a couple of times coupled with my verbalizing how much I love her and that I would like to do more for her. She says that she doesn't want any part of it, but she has started to make non-verbal cues that she likes the benefits. I've started giving her back massages every night and spending more time talking before going to sleep. I'm doing more of the housework, but I still believe I'm being more of a stealth submissive than I should be and definitely more than I want to be.

I also find that my mind is getting more consumed with the concept of FLA since reading your blogs. I'm finding that I'm preoccupied at work with these feelings and thoughts. I'm finding that I love my wife more and more, but that I'm not getting enough response from her to carry me through. I'm not sure if she will be agreeable or not.

A couple questions:

1. Is it normal for a man's whole mind to be consumed at this stage?
2. What should be my next steps to get more of a response?

I thank you in advance for your advice and look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,

Tom

Ken responds…

Both of your questions are very common concerns for men starting down this path. Let me address your question of whether or not it is “normal” to feel consumed by thoughts of female authority. Far be it from me to stray into the perilous territory of defining normal behavior, so let me just say that it is incredibly common. Furthermore, I am not certain that it is only associated with this early phase of your evolution towards an AHF relationship. The more your wife becomes comfortable with her role, the more she chooses to demonstrate her authority, the more you will become fixated on her and pleasing her. This is especially true if she can find a cadence to orgasm management that works for the two of you. You will become increasingly consumed with anything that brings her happiness. Her happiness will become your happiness.

As to what you need to do next, consider that opening up to your wife about the ideas on our site is not a one time event. You have begun a dialogue, but you need to continue that dialogue. She needs to understand the sentiment that you have expressed in your letter to us. She needs to understand that her non-verbal embrace of female authority needs to be accompanied by verbal cues and outright acknowledgement of your new roles.

My best guess is that you are going to succeed, just remain committed.

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Our books and CD’s can be found on the following sites:

http://www.amazon.com/Around-Her-Finger-Breathing-Relationship/dp/B0025UPLB6

As always, our books and CD’s can be found at: www.lulu.com/aroundherfinger/

Send questions, comments and success stories to Emily (dot) Addison (at) Gmail (dotcom)