Fall 2010 Updates
The website if finally back up again. You can find it at www.aroundherfinger.com. An old email address and an expired credit card conspired to let our web hosting renewal slip through the cracks. I offer our sincere apologies for any inconvenience that this may have caused any of you. Also, let me express our great thanks to everyone that sent us emails alerting us to this concern and also expressing interest in getting the site back up and running.
All is well again!
Emily
---
We are excited to note that the first book, Around Her Finger, can now be found at Amazon.com. Here is the link below:
http://www.amazon.com/Around-Her-Finger-Breathing-Relationship/dp/B0025UPLB6
As always, our books and CD’s can be found at:www.lulu.com/aroundherfinger/
Lulu now offers an Ipad version of the all of our books!Send questions, comments and success stories to Emily (dot) Addison (at) Gmail (dotcom)
Letters from Women
Hi Emily,
I wanted to thank you for your website and all of the work you guys have put into it. Let me first provide some background about myself and husband. I am from a wonderful family with loving parents still married and so is my husband. We both had a [very typical religious upbringing], and this relationship is possible for even very traditional persons such as myself and husband. I feel more in love with my husband and my husband trusts me more that he had ever before. I feel cherished, and I feel my husband is wonderful. I am complete.
My husband and I met in college and have been together for about six years now. We have been married for a little over one year. We had a normal relationship except that my libido had always been higher than my husbands. We rarely fought except to fight about sex. I would ask myself is there something wrong with me or is it my husband? We have great sex and a great emotional relationship, so why is this always an issue? I had a lot of shame and unhappiness because I could not figure out my husband and his libido and how to turn him on. This shame and guilt and frustration lasted for almost five and a half years until we went on vacation in the spring when my husband's libido started to increase out of nowhere. I was confused and timid, unsure of what was going on, but also happier than I had ever been before. My husband actually wanted to have sex more than once a week and more than once a day. He was so happy, so emotional, and I loved it.
After a month of the 'change' he finally told me that he had discovered your website and encouraged me to read it. I of course was interested because for so long I had struggled to find what made my husband tick and now he had figured it out. I read the part of the website for the females, and it clicked in my mind. This loving female led relationship was what was missing the whole time.
The first few weeks were wonderful. I felt like when we had first been together. But then my husband wanted more from me, a reasonable amount, but I was afraid. I had fear that it would end, and that I would be left like I had for years hurt and frustrated. So I was hesitant and we quit soon after a few weeks because my husband did not feel that it was a life change I had wanted, and that I was only doing it for him.
A month later I opened up to him, telling him that I missed some of the things we had done with the loving female led relationship and at that point I verbalized all of the things that I had wanted to continue to do. He immediately was turned back on again, and we have fit the roles very nicely since. This relationship change is not for all couples and without great communication skill and [self analysis] we could not have done it. My husband also should have been patient with me from the beginning. I realize he really wanted to make it happen but did not allow time for me to come to terms with what I wanted and needed for myself and our relationship.
So, men, be patient with the woman you love, and females, know yourself. You will do just fine making yourself and your husband very happy.
Thank you Emily! Best wishes!
Sincerely,
A.K.
Emily responds…
I imagine that many men reading your letter find themselves having quite the opposite problem than you and your husband had in your marriage. Men are more likely to have the higher libido, and it is worth noting that AHF relationships offer something for them as well. They may end up having less sex, but the will experience a higher level of sexual energy in the relationship. This comes from the sexual charge that orgasm management brings when it is coupled with overt displays of dominance on the part of their wives, as well as selfless acts of service on the part of the husband.
Also, I know that you are getting more out of the relationship than just the increased libido of your husband, and that is important. Remember to continue to make this about you and your needs. The focus on you will ultimately rebound and give your husband what he needs in return.
Continued best wishes in your marriage!
***
Dear Emily,
I wonder if I am not loving this too much. Ever since I agreed to my husband’s suggestion that I take control in the marriage, I feel as though I have been completely liberated. It’s not like some letters I have read on here where women don’t do any of the household chores, get massages every night, or whatever fantasy scenario they might describe (sometimes it seems unrealistic). For me at least, it is different, but liberating is the right word.
For example, on any given night, I might still cook or do the dishes. But if I do not want to do the dishes, I tell him to do them. And now I know that if I walk up to him, get right in his face, bite his upper lip (gently and sensuously), whisper the command to do the dishes in his ear, that not only have I just avoided the task of doing the dishes, but I have actually given him an intense moment of sexual affection. As he does the dishes, he is actually excited to do them, and he is thinking of me the entire time. What a win-win situation! It is almost a miracle. The rest of the evening might be otherwise conventional, but for him that moment of loving female authority was an emotional high that he can ride all the way until he goes to sleep.
Sexually, it has also been liberating. Our sex life was not bad before, but I never felt free to really open up and communicate what I wanted out of the physical part of our relationship. For example, my husband has always performed oral sex on me as foreplay, but it has lasted for just a couple minutes before he quickly moved on to intercourse. Now, oral sex lasts as long as I want it to last, and if that is all it takes for me to climax, then that is where it ends. As it turns out, [my husband performing oral sex on me] is also an incredibly satisfying sexual experience for him. I never imagined that he enjoyed pleasuring me so much, and now that this is out on the table, we both embrace this activity. (It turns out that he actually enjoys performing oral sex on me over anything else we do sexually.)
I also love when in the middle of intercourse, I can decide to continue or to push him off of me. And as I am sure other women on here have noticed, he is unbelievable doting and attentive in the days that follow the nights when I stop him in mid-act. He becomes the perfect man, and don’t think my friends, sister and even my Mom has not noticed the change. It is really remarkable.
Unsigned
Emily responds…
He was always the perfect man, he just needed the perfect woman to bring it out of him!
------------------------
Letters from Men
Dear Emily,
I need some advice. I think I've been a fairly loving husband over the years. I have a good relationship with my wife and she recognizes that I do much more than most other men.
In the past few months I've introduced my wife to the concept of FLA a couple of times coupled with my verbalizing how much I love her and that I would like to do more for her. She says that she doesn't want any part of it, but she has started to make non-verbal cues that she likes the benefits. I've started giving her back massages every night and spending more time talking before going to sleep. I'm doing more of the housework, but I still believe I'm being more of a stealth submissive than I should be and definitely more than I want to be.
I also find that my mind is getting more consumed with the concept of FLA since reading your blogs. I'm finding that I'm preoccupied at work with these feelings and thoughts. I'm finding that I love my wife more and more, but that I'm not getting enough response from her to carry me through. I'm not sure if she will be agreeable or not.
A couple questions:
1. Is it normal for a man's whole mind to be consumed at this stage?
2. What should be my next steps to get more of a response?
I thank you in advance for your advice and look forward to hearing from you.
Sincerely,
Tom
Ken responds…
Both of your questions are very common concerns for men starting down this path. Let me address your question of whether or not it is “normal” to feel consumed by thoughts of female authority. Far be it from me to stray into the perilous territory of defining normal behavior, so let me just say that it is incredibly common. Furthermore, I am not certain that it is only associated with this early phase of your evolution towards an AHF relationship. The more your wife becomes comfortable with her role, the more she chooses to demonstrate her authority, the more you will become fixated on her and pleasing her. This is especially true if she can find a cadence to orgasm management that works for the two of you. You will become increasingly consumed with anything that brings her happiness. Her happiness will become your happiness.
As to what you need to do next, consider that opening up to your wife about the ideas on our site is not a one time event. You have begun a dialogue, but you need to continue that dialogue. She needs to understand the sentiment that you have expressed in your letter to us. She needs to understand that her non-verbal embrace of female authority needs to be accompanied by verbal cues and outright acknowledgement of your new roles.
My best guess is that you are going to succeed, just remain committed.
--------
Our books and CD’s can be found on the following sites:
http://www.amazon.com/Around-Her-Finger-Breathing-Relationship/dp/B0025UPLB6
As always, our books and CD’s can be found at: www.lulu.com/aroundherfinger/
Send questions, comments and success stories to Emily (dot) Addison (at) Gmail (dotcom)
Monday, September 27, 2010
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
August 2010
August 2010 Updates
A healthy relationship is dynamic. Not only does it evolve over time, but certain of its best elements ebb and flow with the seasons of the year and the seasons of our lives. Right now, Ken and I are in a wonderful period of our lives. His work schedule has relaxed in recent months, and I have made a very active effort to channel much of his free time into activities and passions that focus him on making us closer. He has been even more deeply devoted to me as of late, and outward expressions of his affection for me are constant reminders of his passionate and always growing love. In turn, I have indulged him with an intensity and frequency of my own affections. Often these are outward gestures that reinforce my authority in our relationship. I know that these make him feel loved in ways that nothing else can match. After all, affection takes many forms.
We have gotten to the point we are in our own relationship because we trust each other enough to communicate openly. We have built upon this trust by being open and responsive to what each other needs and wants most from the marriage. We have put our own best interests ahead of convention and tradition, and we have been rewarded with a relationship rich in emotion, mutual respect, and very genuine love and affection.
Follow your hearts, abandon your fears, and find what Ken and I have found together.
Emily
-----
We are excited to note that the first book, Around Her Finger, can now be found at Amazon.com. Here is the link below:http://www.amazon.com/Around-Her-Finger-Breathing-Relationship/dp/B0025UPLB6As always, our books and CD’s can be found at:www.lulu.com/aroundherfinger/
Lulu now offers an Ipad version of the all of our books!Send questions, comments and success stories to Emily (dot) Addison (at) Gmail (dotcom)
Letters from Women
Dear Emily,
It is probably a cliché for women to open their letters to you with a statement of disbelief that their husbands could possibly have been hiding a submissive side. However, I can honestly say that my husband was the prototypical LAST man I would have expected to be submissive.
We recently had his parents pick up the kids and take them to their home for a week over the summer vacation. We were not planning an out of town trip, but it was a chance for us both to spend some more focused time together. That first Monday after the kids were gone, I came home to find your book and a dozen rose on the kitchen table. There was also a card saying that he learned about this book on your website.
An hour later I had read much of the site and was beginning to get an idea of what this was all about. When my husband came home I was still sitting in front of the computer pouring through your updates page. He walked into the room where I was and kissed me on the cheek. Without looking up and in a very firm voice, I told him to go out and get me a glass of wine. In short, I was very interested, and I was going to follow through with this. I was touched that he felt close enough to me and trusted me enough to come forward with this, and I accept it as you describe it, as a means of him demonstrating his affection, love and commitment to me. It would be awkward at first to get used to the idea of being in control, but I could do this for him.
The best thing about all of this is the openness and deep levels of conversation that we now have. I need only to let him kneel and put his mouth between my legs for twenty minutes, and then to stop the intimacy at that point, and he opens up and talks and shares like we were dating again for the first time.
This is magic.
Unsigned
Emily responds…
It is not magic in and of itself; however, when combined with a healthy, loving relationship, it is just that. Honor his trust in you, and cultivate a life together that builds on this new beginning.
-----
Letters from Men
Dear Emily and Ken,
I wanted to write you a letter explaining how I discovered the joys of a female led relationship. The Around Her Finger blog has been helpful to me in so many ways, and I hope my own story can contribute something to your readers in return for all that your advice has given to me and my fiancé.
I first met my fiancé (I’ll call her ‘Beth’ which is not her real name) five years ago when she became my manager at work. We worked for a very large company, and I had met her briefly before, but for all practical purposes, we got to know each other in a context where our manager/employee roles dictated the nature of our relationship.
Beth is seven years older than I am, but she is a very attractive and a very young looking woman. However, I never let this get in the way of my work, and we always maintained a strictly professional and very positive working relationship for the several years that I was her employee. It is probably worth noting that while I consider myself a very dedicated worker regardless of who my manager might be, there was something very special about working for Beth. I found that I very much wanted to go the extra mile to please her, and I would often stay late and go above and beyond to do my very best when I was her employee. Also, I was always incredibly respectful of her authority and was always mindful to demonstrate my respect for her. I was very disappointed when she decided to leave the company after several years, but we left on good terms, and I knew that she was leaving for a very significant career opportunity at her new employer.
Several months after Beth left my company, I was surprised to get a call from her. I suspected that she might be calling to offer me a job at her new company, but this was not what she had in mind. She had correctly heard that I had broken up with my then girlfriend, with whom I had long but unsatisfying relationship. She asked me if I would consider the possibility of a romantic relationship with her. I was completely shocked. It seemed a very bold move on her part.
Again, she was and remains a beautiful woman. I considered myself a very eligible bachelor, but mostly had dated women my own age. Also, the entire time I worked for her, I had forced myself to think of her as my manager first and a beautiful woman second. I ultimately succeeded with this, so it required a brain reset to imagine that we could be romantically involved. Lucky for me, the brain reset happened instantaneously, and I responded positively and enthusiastically to her question. We arranged for a dinner date that weekend, which led to a series of more dates, and ultimately a committed relationship.
From the very first date, it was clear that there would be something atypical about our relationship. It seemed like the manager/employee roles were still in place. This was in part an unconscious byproduct of the years I had spent working for her, but at certain times, it seemed very conscious on her part. For example, she would always tell me what our plans would be for any given weekend. She would pick restaurants, she would order the wine with our dinner, and she would even assign me little tasks to do at her home. I would be told to pick up her dry cleaning, make her bed, and I was even once told to spend an entire Saturday cleaning her home and getting it ready for a “girls’ party” (to which I was not invited) while she spent the day relaxing at a spa. The sex was very good (conventional, but good) so I did not complain. One night, however, I finally felt compelled to mention it to her.
She smiled at me and confessed that she was surprised it took so long for me to raise the issue. She said that she frankly liked the idea of being in charge in the relationship, and it was her suspicion that I did as well. I was completely shocked. Formal, overtly recognized female led relationship were a foreign concept to me, so I really didn’t even have any context in which to evaluate her statement. I remember very distinctly how she leaned into me, kissed me, and told me she wanted to explore something with me, and that I would need to trust her entirely over the next few weeks as we would experiment with something new in our relationship.
That night we basically entered into a modified boot camp as you describe in your book. She stood and disrobed in front of me, asking me to kneel and go down on her as she remained standing. She said that she cared for me very deeply, but she wanted to explore a relationship with me where I acknowledged her authority, and where I would be expected to obey her. That was the first night that my orgasms were ever “managed” by Beth.
It was like she found a magic switch inside my mind. That night began a female led relationship that has made me happier than I have ever been in my life. Beth shared with me your site, blog and book, and they have all helped tremendously. She awakened something in me that she knew was there, but I did not understand at all.
The next two weeks found Beth becoming increasingly comfortable with a growing level of authority in our relationship. As a result, I began to learn more about myself, and realized that my desire to please Beth in the past had been more than just career ambition; it was sourced from something much deeper and much more personal. My desire to make please a strong, beautiful woman was really an end in itself. Making Beth happy was making me happy. The sexual elements of our very special relationship not only intensified my desires to please her, but they intensified the satisfaction I took from pleasing her. This has been a sustainable benefit and has lasted way beyond those initial two weeks. To any that doubt it, orgasm management works!
I recently asked Beth to marry me, and she has lovingly agreed. Of course it will be on her terms, but as you can imagine, I would not have it any other way.
Jay in the Midwest
Ken responds…
The history of your relationship is a beautiful story and very well told. It is somewhat unusual for the woman to be the instigator in a female led relationship, but it sounds like your fiancé understood that this would benefit both of you.
Congratulations on your pending wedding!
-----
Dear Ken,
I had approached my wife about your website, giving her your book and CD, about four years ago. While we had a brief experiment and a couple of subsequent revisits to female authority, mostly it did not work for us. I believe that this was because it was just not something she wanted. She just did not see herself in the dominant role. However, several months ago, I repositioned LFA as a means to solving a shared problem between us, and now it is working amazingly well. I wanted to share my success with your readers.
My wife is in her middle forties. Her moving beyond child-bearing years (we have two wonderful teenage children) has been accompanied by a decline in her interest in sex. This has been the subject of a number of small arguments between us lately. All of these arguments take place without mentioning the white elephant in the room, the fact that only a few years ago, I was asking her to consider a relationship dynamic where I would put our sex life completely in her hands. While she rejected this, it was still an option I had put on the table. Therefore, she felt very comfortable scaling back the frequency of our sexual intimacy regardless of how I felt about it. I saw her point, but I was still not happy about it. However, the more I thought about my predicament, the more I saw an opportunity in the making.
In large part because of what your site has taught me about myself, I know that sex is not the ultimate goal for me. My desire for sex is a proxy for my desire to achieve an intimate connection with my wife. I also know that I can achieve a higher level intimate connection without sexual intercourse. If she affords me a dominant intimate encounter, a moment of connection between us where she exerts her authority through verbal cues and allows some form of intimacy to occur, then I have received something even more satisfying than intercourse. Given that her level of sexual desire has decreased (but certainly not disappeared), this allows us to meet in the middle and both come out winners. My nagging her about not having enough sex goes away. Her having to give in to a quickie she really does not want also go away. However, our intimacy level in the relationship nonetheless goes up. Again, we all win.
The only trick is getting her comfortable with those dominant, intimate moments. If for example, I try to initiate sex by kissing on her earlobe when we are alone at night, her simply pulling away and refusing me only results in frustration. However, if she kisses me back passionately before telling me to get some lotion and rub her feet “because that is what will make her happy tonight”… then this is something else entirely. In the latter case, I have had some intimacy in being kissed back, and she has made the foot rub much more meaningful than if I had just offered it on my own. Because she has told me to do it as a preferred alternative to sexual intercourse, I feel that she is managing our sexuality and the foot rub is a meaningful expression of my affection for her as I know it is what she wants.
I don’t know if I’m making sense, but I am trying to explain that wives who struggle (like my wife did) with “playing along” with an LFA, can really use small gestures to accomplish a great deal of emotional intimacy with their husbands. A passionate kiss as you give your husband as you hand him a to-do list and tell him that “you’ll do these things for me” may seem like nothing to you, but it would be the world to me (and men like me). It is the combination of this intimacy and gesture of authority that really hits the nail on the head.
Unsigned
Ken responds,
I love it. Dominant intimate moments, maybe we should call them DFI’s, are exactly what many men crave during the day. Many men fantasize about endless oral sex with their wives, but the practical reality is that men’s libido often outpaces a woman’s. Pairing a command with affection can do a great deal to reinforce a man’s need to submit. It is the core of what we describe in our books about increasing the level of sexual energy in the relationship without necessarily increasing the level of sexual intercourse.
A healthy relationship is dynamic. Not only does it evolve over time, but certain of its best elements ebb and flow with the seasons of the year and the seasons of our lives. Right now, Ken and I are in a wonderful period of our lives. His work schedule has relaxed in recent months, and I have made a very active effort to channel much of his free time into activities and passions that focus him on making us closer. He has been even more deeply devoted to me as of late, and outward expressions of his affection for me are constant reminders of his passionate and always growing love. In turn, I have indulged him with an intensity and frequency of my own affections. Often these are outward gestures that reinforce my authority in our relationship. I know that these make him feel loved in ways that nothing else can match. After all, affection takes many forms.
We have gotten to the point we are in our own relationship because we trust each other enough to communicate openly. We have built upon this trust by being open and responsive to what each other needs and wants most from the marriage. We have put our own best interests ahead of convention and tradition, and we have been rewarded with a relationship rich in emotion, mutual respect, and very genuine love and affection.
Follow your hearts, abandon your fears, and find what Ken and I have found together.
Emily
-----
We are excited to note that the first book, Around Her Finger, can now be found at Amazon.com. Here is the link below:http://www.amazon.com/Around-Her-Finger-Breathing-Relationship/dp/B0025UPLB6As always, our books and CD’s can be found at:www.lulu.com/aroundherfinger/
Lulu now offers an Ipad version of the all of our books!Send questions, comments and success stories to Emily (dot) Addison (at) Gmail (dotcom)
Letters from Women
Dear Emily,
It is probably a cliché for women to open their letters to you with a statement of disbelief that their husbands could possibly have been hiding a submissive side. However, I can honestly say that my husband was the prototypical LAST man I would have expected to be submissive.
We recently had his parents pick up the kids and take them to their home for a week over the summer vacation. We were not planning an out of town trip, but it was a chance for us both to spend some more focused time together. That first Monday after the kids were gone, I came home to find your book and a dozen rose on the kitchen table. There was also a card saying that he learned about this book on your website.
An hour later I had read much of the site and was beginning to get an idea of what this was all about. When my husband came home I was still sitting in front of the computer pouring through your updates page. He walked into the room where I was and kissed me on the cheek. Without looking up and in a very firm voice, I told him to go out and get me a glass of wine. In short, I was very interested, and I was going to follow through with this. I was touched that he felt close enough to me and trusted me enough to come forward with this, and I accept it as you describe it, as a means of him demonstrating his affection, love and commitment to me. It would be awkward at first to get used to the idea of being in control, but I could do this for him.
The best thing about all of this is the openness and deep levels of conversation that we now have. I need only to let him kneel and put his mouth between my legs for twenty minutes, and then to stop the intimacy at that point, and he opens up and talks and shares like we were dating again for the first time.
This is magic.
Unsigned
Emily responds…
It is not magic in and of itself; however, when combined with a healthy, loving relationship, it is just that. Honor his trust in you, and cultivate a life together that builds on this new beginning.
-----
Letters from Men
Dear Emily and Ken,
I wanted to write you a letter explaining how I discovered the joys of a female led relationship. The Around Her Finger blog has been helpful to me in so many ways, and I hope my own story can contribute something to your readers in return for all that your advice has given to me and my fiancé.
I first met my fiancé (I’ll call her ‘Beth’ which is not her real name) five years ago when she became my manager at work. We worked for a very large company, and I had met her briefly before, but for all practical purposes, we got to know each other in a context where our manager/employee roles dictated the nature of our relationship.
Beth is seven years older than I am, but she is a very attractive and a very young looking woman. However, I never let this get in the way of my work, and we always maintained a strictly professional and very positive working relationship for the several years that I was her employee. It is probably worth noting that while I consider myself a very dedicated worker regardless of who my manager might be, there was something very special about working for Beth. I found that I very much wanted to go the extra mile to please her, and I would often stay late and go above and beyond to do my very best when I was her employee. Also, I was always incredibly respectful of her authority and was always mindful to demonstrate my respect for her. I was very disappointed when she decided to leave the company after several years, but we left on good terms, and I knew that she was leaving for a very significant career opportunity at her new employer.
Several months after Beth left my company, I was surprised to get a call from her. I suspected that she might be calling to offer me a job at her new company, but this was not what she had in mind. She had correctly heard that I had broken up with my then girlfriend, with whom I had long but unsatisfying relationship. She asked me if I would consider the possibility of a romantic relationship with her. I was completely shocked. It seemed a very bold move on her part.
Again, she was and remains a beautiful woman. I considered myself a very eligible bachelor, but mostly had dated women my own age. Also, the entire time I worked for her, I had forced myself to think of her as my manager first and a beautiful woman second. I ultimately succeeded with this, so it required a brain reset to imagine that we could be romantically involved. Lucky for me, the brain reset happened instantaneously, and I responded positively and enthusiastically to her question. We arranged for a dinner date that weekend, which led to a series of more dates, and ultimately a committed relationship.
From the very first date, it was clear that there would be something atypical about our relationship. It seemed like the manager/employee roles were still in place. This was in part an unconscious byproduct of the years I had spent working for her, but at certain times, it seemed very conscious on her part. For example, she would always tell me what our plans would be for any given weekend. She would pick restaurants, she would order the wine with our dinner, and she would even assign me little tasks to do at her home. I would be told to pick up her dry cleaning, make her bed, and I was even once told to spend an entire Saturday cleaning her home and getting it ready for a “girls’ party” (to which I was not invited) while she spent the day relaxing at a spa. The sex was very good (conventional, but good) so I did not complain. One night, however, I finally felt compelled to mention it to her.
She smiled at me and confessed that she was surprised it took so long for me to raise the issue. She said that she frankly liked the idea of being in charge in the relationship, and it was her suspicion that I did as well. I was completely shocked. Formal, overtly recognized female led relationship were a foreign concept to me, so I really didn’t even have any context in which to evaluate her statement. I remember very distinctly how she leaned into me, kissed me, and told me she wanted to explore something with me, and that I would need to trust her entirely over the next few weeks as we would experiment with something new in our relationship.
That night we basically entered into a modified boot camp as you describe in your book. She stood and disrobed in front of me, asking me to kneel and go down on her as she remained standing. She said that she cared for me very deeply, but she wanted to explore a relationship with me where I acknowledged her authority, and where I would be expected to obey her. That was the first night that my orgasms were ever “managed” by Beth.
It was like she found a magic switch inside my mind. That night began a female led relationship that has made me happier than I have ever been in my life. Beth shared with me your site, blog and book, and they have all helped tremendously. She awakened something in me that she knew was there, but I did not understand at all.
The next two weeks found Beth becoming increasingly comfortable with a growing level of authority in our relationship. As a result, I began to learn more about myself, and realized that my desire to please Beth in the past had been more than just career ambition; it was sourced from something much deeper and much more personal. My desire to make please a strong, beautiful woman was really an end in itself. Making Beth happy was making me happy. The sexual elements of our very special relationship not only intensified my desires to please her, but they intensified the satisfaction I took from pleasing her. This has been a sustainable benefit and has lasted way beyond those initial two weeks. To any that doubt it, orgasm management works!
I recently asked Beth to marry me, and she has lovingly agreed. Of course it will be on her terms, but as you can imagine, I would not have it any other way.
Jay in the Midwest
Ken responds…
The history of your relationship is a beautiful story and very well told. It is somewhat unusual for the woman to be the instigator in a female led relationship, but it sounds like your fiancé understood that this would benefit both of you.
Congratulations on your pending wedding!
-----
Dear Ken,
I had approached my wife about your website, giving her your book and CD, about four years ago. While we had a brief experiment and a couple of subsequent revisits to female authority, mostly it did not work for us. I believe that this was because it was just not something she wanted. She just did not see herself in the dominant role. However, several months ago, I repositioned LFA as a means to solving a shared problem between us, and now it is working amazingly well. I wanted to share my success with your readers.
My wife is in her middle forties. Her moving beyond child-bearing years (we have two wonderful teenage children) has been accompanied by a decline in her interest in sex. This has been the subject of a number of small arguments between us lately. All of these arguments take place without mentioning the white elephant in the room, the fact that only a few years ago, I was asking her to consider a relationship dynamic where I would put our sex life completely in her hands. While she rejected this, it was still an option I had put on the table. Therefore, she felt very comfortable scaling back the frequency of our sexual intimacy regardless of how I felt about it. I saw her point, but I was still not happy about it. However, the more I thought about my predicament, the more I saw an opportunity in the making.
In large part because of what your site has taught me about myself, I know that sex is not the ultimate goal for me. My desire for sex is a proxy for my desire to achieve an intimate connection with my wife. I also know that I can achieve a higher level intimate connection without sexual intercourse. If she affords me a dominant intimate encounter, a moment of connection between us where she exerts her authority through verbal cues and allows some form of intimacy to occur, then I have received something even more satisfying than intercourse. Given that her level of sexual desire has decreased (but certainly not disappeared), this allows us to meet in the middle and both come out winners. My nagging her about not having enough sex goes away. Her having to give in to a quickie she really does not want also go away. However, our intimacy level in the relationship nonetheless goes up. Again, we all win.
The only trick is getting her comfortable with those dominant, intimate moments. If for example, I try to initiate sex by kissing on her earlobe when we are alone at night, her simply pulling away and refusing me only results in frustration. However, if she kisses me back passionately before telling me to get some lotion and rub her feet “because that is what will make her happy tonight”… then this is something else entirely. In the latter case, I have had some intimacy in being kissed back, and she has made the foot rub much more meaningful than if I had just offered it on my own. Because she has told me to do it as a preferred alternative to sexual intercourse, I feel that she is managing our sexuality and the foot rub is a meaningful expression of my affection for her as I know it is what she wants.
I don’t know if I’m making sense, but I am trying to explain that wives who struggle (like my wife did) with “playing along” with an LFA, can really use small gestures to accomplish a great deal of emotional intimacy with their husbands. A passionate kiss as you give your husband as you hand him a to-do list and tell him that “you’ll do these things for me” may seem like nothing to you, but it would be the world to me (and men like me). It is the combination of this intimacy and gesture of authority that really hits the nail on the head.
Unsigned
Ken responds,
I love it. Dominant intimate moments, maybe we should call them DFI’s, are exactly what many men crave during the day. Many men fantasize about endless oral sex with their wives, but the practical reality is that men’s libido often outpaces a woman’s. Pairing a command with affection can do a great deal to reinforce a man’s need to submit. It is the core of what we describe in our books about increasing the level of sexual energy in the relationship without necessarily increasing the level of sexual intercourse.
-----
Dear Emily,
Thank you. My wife and I started dabbling in a wife led marriage last August. That was two days after I stumbled upon your site late one night. There is no question that your site has changed our lives for the better. However, I do have a few questions.
- My wife has never formally asserted her authority, as suggested in your book. We talked a little after she read your book and were going in that direction anyway, but no formal talk about new roles. Is it too late and/or am I out of line wanting such a discussion?
- My wife knows from reading - and experience - how taking a tone of authority simply works for me (us). I perform my tasks so much more willingly when she makes her expectations clear and our roles obvious. My complaint is that she does it sparingly. I know it's my job to show her all the benefits of this agreement (as we call it), but I feel like if she really wanted to live a true Around Her Finger marriage, she would take a little more initiative.
I know this sounds like a list of complaints - and you've heard them all before - but it's not. My marriage is 100 percent improved since we tried this arrangement (in every way imaginable). I was scared to death to share this site with my wife, but she has been gracious and understanding throughout. We have had ups and downs with this the past year, but every time she tells me this is how she wants it. All I am saying is that if her authority were more clearly stated and reinforced, I am pretty sure I'd hold up my end better.
I don't think she would be upset if I contacted you on this. I know I'll share your response with her if I get one - if you think that's a good idea. Obviously, I'd love to have her contact you directly, but that's up to her.
Thanks again for your site. It has changed our lives.
Jim
Ken responds...
First, it is never too late to formalize roles. In fact, it is expected that you will have an ongoing dialogue about how any element of the relationship is or is not working for both of you.
The same goes for your second point. It sounds like there are a number of elements of AHF that are not present to your satisfaction. It is ok to complain, but you cannot just stop there. You need to engage your wife on these issues and have that sometimes difficult conversations that it takes to maximize the potential of where you can go together.
-----
Note: The following is the conclusion of an email exchange where a reader was encouraged to approach his wife about his desire for an Around Her Finger relationship.
Dear Ken,
A couple of days after I sent that email I had an opportunity to confess my desires for an FLR and so I took it. She thought I was weird and strange, but her libido went from zero to 1000, so I am feeling a bit more positive about it now. I told her we could have a 6 month trial run and she responded "Why 6 months? Why not forever?", so as predicted she has had a positive response to it. She has already completed a list of daily and weekly chores for me to perform and has started drafting a list of rules she wants me to follow. This is more enthusiastic than I expected but nothing for which I am not comfortable or prepared.
Time will tell on the orgasm management front, I just hope we can meet on some middle ground. I have an issue with pain in my groin if I go too long without release from an old hernia scar, but I think she will be sympathetic to that.
I think this answer was longer than you might have been asking for, but I will continue reading your blog and your book (when I get it).
Thanks again,
E
-----
Our books and CD’s can be found on the following sites:
http://www.amazon.com/Around-Her-Finger-Breathing-Relationship/dp/B0025UPLB6
As always, our books and CD’s can be found at: www.lulu.com/aroundherfinger/
Send questions, comments and success stories to Emily (dot) Addison (at) Gmail (dotcom)
Tuesday, April 06, 2010
April / May 2010
Spring is in the air. The weather is warm, bees are buzzing and the first of the flowers are blooming all around us. All of you husbands, enjoy an evening outside with your wife. Pour her a glass of wine and rub her feet. Let her know that nothing makes you happier than putting her needs above your own.
Emily
We are excited to note that the first book, Around Her Finger, can now be found at Amazon.com. Here is the link below:
http://www.amazon.com/Around-Her-Finger-Breathing-Relationship/dp/B0025UPLB6
As always, our books and CD’s can be found at:
www.lulu.com/aroundherfinger/
Send questions, comments and success stories to Emily (dot) Addison (at) Gmail (dotcom)
Letters from Women
Dear Emily,
I am completely confused by the idea that I will somehow make my husband happy by withholding from the very thing that he seems to want above just about everything else: an orgasm.
Unsigned
Emily
We are excited to note that the first book, Around Her Finger, can now be found at Amazon.com. Here is the link below:
http://www.amazon.com/Around-Her-Finger-Breathing-Relationship/dp/B0025UPLB6
As always, our books and CD’s can be found at:
www.lulu.com/aroundherfinger/
Send questions, comments and success stories to Emily (dot) Addison (at) Gmail (dotcom)
Letters from Women
Dear Emily,
I am completely confused by the idea that I will somehow make my husband happy by withholding from the very thing that he seems to want above just about everything else: an orgasm.
Unsigned
Emily responds…
Orgasm management seems irrational on the surface. Men seem to be completely wired for seeking out orgasms. When they are around women, their focus is on sex (and sexual climax). When they are not around women, they masturbate. Why then, would we presume that any man’s path to happiness would lie in withholding the very thing that seems to be the center of his universe?
The truth is that men are funny creatures. Do they want the physical satisfaction of an orgasm? Absolutely they do. Is that the highest value objective that they have? Absolutely not. Whether they are aware of it or not, what they really need is much more complicated. They need affection, they need love, they need attention, and they need to know that their sexuality is not being ignored.
Consider two wives that climb into bed with their husbands and both give their spouses the news that they will not being having sex (or if you prefer, an orgasm). One wife rolls over and tells her husband that she is tired and needs to get up early. The other kisses her husband passionately, grabs his manhood forcefully in her hand, and tells him that they will not be having sex because she wants him “thinking about her all night and waking up ready to do whatever she tells him in the morning.”
The first husband has been rejected and ignored. The second husband has been validated as a man and his sexual energy has been channeled to where it will be the most useful… in service to his wife.
Letters from Men
Dear Ken,
I screwed up. I got in a huge fight with my wife over something stupid and petty, and I childishly gave her the silent treatment for two days. She became mad at me and in turn gave me the silent treatment. This would have been just a typical little spat between husband and wife except for the fact that before she gave the silent treatment to me…she threw my interest in loving female authority right in my face.
As background, I need to tell you that we were NOT in a female led relationship at the time of our disagreement. I had wished that we were. I had wished it ever since I stumbled on your site several years ago. I even went so far as working up the courage to give her your book on Valentine’s Day which was my first real attempt to ever share my feelings on this subject. She responded by not reacting at all. She said nothing about the book, and when I finally asked her what she thought about it, she indicated that she had skimmed it, but she had no interest and did not even want to talk about it. To be honest, I was hurt and felt rejected.
So that brings me back to what she said following our argument. She told me that if I was so damn interested in having her in charge, then I should start acting like it. That really took me back. She was right, but as you know and have said over and over: until it is really made official and acknowledged openly in the relationship, it is really hard for a submissive man to maintain his obedient attitude toward his wife. This is the great truth and wisdom of your site and your book. It is central to everything that I know and feel about my submission.
My wife stormed out of the house and that started the ball rolling on what turned out to be the opening to the best thing that ever happened to me and to us as a couple. Her angry comments touched off the submissive in me, and I went into action. I rushed to gather her laundry and get it into the washing machine. I ran around the house like a mad man cleaning up several messes I had left piled up for days and fixing a broken hinge on a cabinet that she had been after me to fix for months. I rushed out to the store to buy her flowers, candy, wine and a gift basket of lotions (including foot lotion) from Bath and Body Works. I also bought her a CD I knew she had wanted to get and several items from Victoria’s Secrets, all of which I wrapped or put into gift baskets.
It was late when I finished shopping, and she had beaten me home, so I walked back into the house with all of these item bundled in my arms. The kitchen and living room were dark, but I saw that the light in what I used to call “my” office. She sat in front of the computer, her back to me, wearing a robe. She knew perfectly well that I had walked into the room even though I said nothing. I looked at the computer screen in front of her and I was totally blown away to see that it was your site. (I later learned that she actually wrote Emily an email that night to which she responded personally but never put on the blog.)
She swiveled around in the chair and looked right into my eyes. She acknowledged the gifts I brought her and asked me to hand them to her. I did and she immediately asked me to kneel in front of her. I looked up at her as she opened my gifts one by one. It was hard for me to concentrate as my mind was racing a thousand miles a minute.
When she was done opening the gifts, she said nothing. She looked down and me and just stared at me for what seemed like a very long time. I started to speak, but she held up her finger to her mouth indicating she wanted me to remain quiet. I then watched in silence as she undid her robe and revealed that she was wearing a very sexy bra, but no panties. I took my cue and immediately began to kiss her between her legs and to pleasure her. I felt her hand stroke the back of my hair as she told me that from that point forward she was in charge and she expected that I would obey her. I would have orgasms only when she told me it was ok to do so. I would be given a list of chores I was expected to do, and I would do them without complaining.
Since that night our relationship is 100% female led. It is as others on this blog have described. We are perfectly happy and “normal” 99% of the time, but there is a constant understanding that she is the alpha spouse in the relationship. The biggest surprise has been how completely she had adopted to this new reality and how completely happy it has made her. She is not the least bit inhibited and is completely comfortable telling me what I need to do to please her.
Candidly, I know she was initially concerned that this would somehow emasculate me, but I have proven to her that that was no risk. I still have times when I am sexually very aggressive with her, but she absolutely loves stopping me in the middle of intercourse and having me switch to using a toy on her. This allows her to finish with explosive orgasms while I am left in the heightened sense of intimacy and arousal that orgasm management provides. This makes for post-sex cuddling (vs sleeping) and has afforded me the ability to truly be the communicator she needs me to be. She calls these moments her “emotional orgasms” and she values them tremendously. Truth be told, so do I.
Thank you so much for your site. I am glad I stuck with you.
Unsigned
Ken responds...
We have often seen the situation where once the seed is planted, it sprouts at the oddest times. You laid the groundwork but needed the argument to serve as a catalyst for both your submission and her own sense of empowerment.
Congraulations!
----
Our books and CD’s can be found on the following sites:
http://www.amazon.com/Around-Her-Finger-Breathing-Relationship/dp/B0025UPLB6
As always, our books and CD’s can be found at: www.lulu.com/aroundherfinger/
Send questions, comments and success stories to Emily (dot) Addison (at) Gmail (dotcom)
Friday, February 05, 2010
February 2010 Updates
I know it has been a very long time since our last update. Please know that our passion for this topic has not diminished at all. It is only that new priorities are finding their way into our lives and we cannot dedicate the time to these pages that we wish we always wish we could.
Our long absence has given us a larger than usual collection of letters to which we could respond, so hopefully we have chosen from these carefully enough to provide some fresh and relevant insights into the topic of female led relationships.
For this update, I have chosen to provide a spectacular pair of letters, one from a husband and one from his wife. I hope that the quality of these exchanges makes up for the lack of quantity that we have been providing as of late.
Happy Valentines Day,
Emily
We are excited to note that the first book, Around Her Finger, can now be found at Amazon.com. Here is the link below:
http://www.amazon.com/Around-Her-Finger-Breathing-Relationship/dp/B0025UPLB6
As always, our books and CD’s can be found at:
www.lulu.com/aroundherfinger/
Send questions, comments and success stories to Emily (dot) Addison (at) Gmail (dotcom)
Letters from Men
Dear Emily and Ken,
Let me first set the context. I love, love, love my wife. I love her more than the day we first met (almost twenty years ago), and my love for her is more important than whether or not she ever wanted to cater to my interest in Around Her Finger.
I have been discussing my interest in a female led relationship with my wife for about two years. I will admit I had not gone so far as to give her your book or show her your web site, but I had been fairly forthcoming about my submission. She had been pretty much disinterested in the concept, but I certainly noticed that her interest in the idea seemed to bubble up every time we got in a disagreement about a major decision. At these times, she wanted to remind me of my discussions. She did not want to do any of the overt demonstrations of her authority that I felt like I needed, but she did seem to want to have her way. I just knew I wanted to submit fully to her if she would just do the very basic things that would cement our roles in the relationship and occasionally remind me of those roles. Stealth submission had just not cut it for me.
Recently, a very significant financial decision came up in our house, and we were very at odds about how we would deal with it. She gave me a much too disguised reminder that I was the one that wanted the female led relationship, and I seized on it as a moment to have another discussion about how badly I want her to be in charge, but I want her to be willing to meet me half way. She had to recognize and address my very real needs in the arrangement as well.
I made notes on what I wanted to say, and I practiced my conversation very carefully. I told her that first and foremost, while I initially disagreed with her on the financial decision, I trusted her judgment, and I would be perfectly willing to not only concede to her the final decision, but that I would enthusiastically support that decision after she made it. However, I wanted her to recognize that my comfort and support for this decision would be much stronger if it were part of a true female led relationship like we had discussed previously. Most importantly, I want her to establish her authority in the relationship and maintain it. I absolutely needed to hear her tell me that she understands that she is in charge and that she expects me to respect our roles. It cannot just be something unspoken between us.
She initially protested, saying it was already this way. I explained to her that it was not. It was absolutely an unspoken understanding, and for me that was the problem. I did do my best to try to honor her wishes in the relationship, but the fact that she had never formally declared it was a source of great frustration for me. If she would declare it, and reinforce it over time, it would be a dream come true for me. She got angry and walked away from me, and I figured it was just another lost opportunity.
That night, I walked into our bedroom after doing some work in my office. She was sitting in her robe watching television, and as I approached her to sit down next to her on the couch, she stopped me. She handed me a tube of moisturizer. She gave me a very firm command to rub her feet. It was not an ask, it was a tell. I know that there are other men out there that understand the world of difference between their wife asking them to do something, versus telling them to do something. I immediately dropped down to my knees and began to rub her feet. She then told me that her decision on the matter in question was hers and hers alone. All decisions were hers ultimately to make if she so chose. She expected my support on the decision.
My heart was beating a hundred miles a minute. There is no way anyone that is not submissive could understand this, but this was a dream for me. I told her she could absolutely expect my support. She then pushed open her robe and revealed her naked body to me. I immediately put my head between her legs and went down on her for thirty minutes, bringing her to orgasm several times before she stopped me and had me go fix her a cup of herbal tea. We then sat together on the couch, her head on my lap, and watched television without saying another word on the topic until she announced she was going to go to bed. As we both got under the covers, she told me that she had meant what she had said earlier. She said, "I'm in charge, and I'm going to act like it, and you are going to respect it." I hugged her and spent a restless night basking in what had just happened.
[Additional paragraphs deleted at couple’s request]
Unsigned
Note from Emily: We received that letter three months ago. The following letter from his wife arrived last week.
Letters from Women
Dear Emily,
I just learned that my husband sent you a letter providing details from our marriage. I was not entirely happy with him doing this, but I understand his motivation, and I have come to agree that there is some value in sharing our story with others. However, if you decide to publish his letter (and mine) can you please delete the final paragraphs of his email where he discusses [omitted], in order to respect my privacy concerns?
I ultimately agreed with my husband that it made sense to share our story with others on this site because 1) I was dead set against this idea at the beginning, and 2) I now think it is the best thing that has ever happened to both of us.
I was raised in a traditional home with conservative values. I just did not want to think of my husband as “submissive”. Now that I have started down this road, I absolutely still do not think of him as submissive. I think of him as the same strong, confident, alpha male I married. Just because I am higher than him on the pecking order, that does not mean that he is lowly and submissive by any stretch of the imagination. I am just one step higher, and I am ultimately in charge. It is like the major or colonel in the military is not any less of a man just because the general can tell him what to do. It is the same with me and him. It is just a matter of respecting authority.
We just click together better now as a couple. There is less tension, fewer arguments, and more fun, romance and intimacy in our relationship. I have grown in my willingness to let him give of himself sexually. He wants to put my own physical pleasure above and even at the expense of my own, and I have become more willing to let him express himself this way. I have finally come to understand that no orgasm can ever bring him the same level of satisfaction on a physical level that my denying that orgasm brings him on an emotional and spiritual level. He just overflows with tender affection for me when our intimacy results in my own climax and not his.
Unsigned
Emily responds to both letters...
Just when I think there is nothing new under the sun as far as articulating a method which makes it easy for a woman to accept a female led relationship, I am given another. Your military analogy is certainly new to me, and it is certainly one of if not the single best metaphors I have ever seen.
Men who crave loving female authority tend to be comortable with the word "submissive" to describe themselves, but women tend not to be comfortable with the term to describe their husbands. Your analogy formally establishes the female led hierarchy without infringing on your perception of your husband as the strong man with whom you fell in love.
Bravo!
Around Her Finger, can now be found at Amazon.com. Here is the link below:
http://www.amazon.com/Around-Her-Finger-Breathing-Relationship/dp/B0025UPLB6
As always, our books and CD’s can be found at:
www.lulu.com/aroundherfinger/
Send questions, comments and success stories to Emily (dot) Addison (at) Gmail (dotcom)
Our long absence has given us a larger than usual collection of letters to which we could respond, so hopefully we have chosen from these carefully enough to provide some fresh and relevant insights into the topic of female led relationships.
For this update, I have chosen to provide a spectacular pair of letters, one from a husband and one from his wife. I hope that the quality of these exchanges makes up for the lack of quantity that we have been providing as of late.
Happy Valentines Day,
Emily
We are excited to note that the first book, Around Her Finger, can now be found at Amazon.com. Here is the link below:
http://www.amazon.com/Around-Her-Finger-Breathing-Relationship/dp/B0025UPLB6
As always, our books and CD’s can be found at:
www.lulu.com/aroundherfinger/
Send questions, comments and success stories to Emily (dot) Addison (at) Gmail (dotcom)
Letters from Men
Dear Emily and Ken,
Let me first set the context. I love, love, love my wife. I love her more than the day we first met (almost twenty years ago), and my love for her is more important than whether or not she ever wanted to cater to my interest in Around Her Finger.
I have been discussing my interest in a female led relationship with my wife for about two years. I will admit I had not gone so far as to give her your book or show her your web site, but I had been fairly forthcoming about my submission. She had been pretty much disinterested in the concept, but I certainly noticed that her interest in the idea seemed to bubble up every time we got in a disagreement about a major decision. At these times, she wanted to remind me of my discussions. She did not want to do any of the overt demonstrations of her authority that I felt like I needed, but she did seem to want to have her way. I just knew I wanted to submit fully to her if she would just do the very basic things that would cement our roles in the relationship and occasionally remind me of those roles. Stealth submission had just not cut it for me.
Recently, a very significant financial decision came up in our house, and we were very at odds about how we would deal with it. She gave me a much too disguised reminder that I was the one that wanted the female led relationship, and I seized on it as a moment to have another discussion about how badly I want her to be in charge, but I want her to be willing to meet me half way. She had to recognize and address my very real needs in the arrangement as well.
I made notes on what I wanted to say, and I practiced my conversation very carefully. I told her that first and foremost, while I initially disagreed with her on the financial decision, I trusted her judgment, and I would be perfectly willing to not only concede to her the final decision, but that I would enthusiastically support that decision after she made it. However, I wanted her to recognize that my comfort and support for this decision would be much stronger if it were part of a true female led relationship like we had discussed previously. Most importantly, I want her to establish her authority in the relationship and maintain it. I absolutely needed to hear her tell me that she understands that she is in charge and that she expects me to respect our roles. It cannot just be something unspoken between us.
She initially protested, saying it was already this way. I explained to her that it was not. It was absolutely an unspoken understanding, and for me that was the problem. I did do my best to try to honor her wishes in the relationship, but the fact that she had never formally declared it was a source of great frustration for me. If she would declare it, and reinforce it over time, it would be a dream come true for me. She got angry and walked away from me, and I figured it was just another lost opportunity.
That night, I walked into our bedroom after doing some work in my office. She was sitting in her robe watching television, and as I approached her to sit down next to her on the couch, she stopped me. She handed me a tube of moisturizer. She gave me a very firm command to rub her feet. It was not an ask, it was a tell. I know that there are other men out there that understand the world of difference between their wife asking them to do something, versus telling them to do something. I immediately dropped down to my knees and began to rub her feet. She then told me that her decision on the matter in question was hers and hers alone. All decisions were hers ultimately to make if she so chose. She expected my support on the decision.
My heart was beating a hundred miles a minute. There is no way anyone that is not submissive could understand this, but this was a dream for me. I told her she could absolutely expect my support. She then pushed open her robe and revealed her naked body to me. I immediately put my head between her legs and went down on her for thirty minutes, bringing her to orgasm several times before she stopped me and had me go fix her a cup of herbal tea. We then sat together on the couch, her head on my lap, and watched television without saying another word on the topic until she announced she was going to go to bed. As we both got under the covers, she told me that she had meant what she had said earlier. She said, "I'm in charge, and I'm going to act like it, and you are going to respect it." I hugged her and spent a restless night basking in what had just happened.
[Additional paragraphs deleted at couple’s request]
Unsigned
Note from Emily: We received that letter three months ago. The following letter from his wife arrived last week.
Letters from Women
Dear Emily,
I just learned that my husband sent you a letter providing details from our marriage. I was not entirely happy with him doing this, but I understand his motivation, and I have come to agree that there is some value in sharing our story with others. However, if you decide to publish his letter (and mine) can you please delete the final paragraphs of his email where he discusses [omitted], in order to respect my privacy concerns?
I ultimately agreed with my husband that it made sense to share our story with others on this site because 1) I was dead set against this idea at the beginning, and 2) I now think it is the best thing that has ever happened to both of us.
I was raised in a traditional home with conservative values. I just did not want to think of my husband as “submissive”. Now that I have started down this road, I absolutely still do not think of him as submissive. I think of him as the same strong, confident, alpha male I married. Just because I am higher than him on the pecking order, that does not mean that he is lowly and submissive by any stretch of the imagination. I am just one step higher, and I am ultimately in charge. It is like the major or colonel in the military is not any less of a man just because the general can tell him what to do. It is the same with me and him. It is just a matter of respecting authority.
We just click together better now as a couple. There is less tension, fewer arguments, and more fun, romance and intimacy in our relationship. I have grown in my willingness to let him give of himself sexually. He wants to put my own physical pleasure above and even at the expense of my own, and I have become more willing to let him express himself this way. I have finally come to understand that no orgasm can ever bring him the same level of satisfaction on a physical level that my denying that orgasm brings him on an emotional and spiritual level. He just overflows with tender affection for me when our intimacy results in my own climax and not his.
Unsigned
Emily responds to both letters...
Just when I think there is nothing new under the sun as far as articulating a method which makes it easy for a woman to accept a female led relationship, I am given another. Your military analogy is certainly new to me, and it is certainly one of if not the single best metaphors I have ever seen.
Men who crave loving female authority tend to be comortable with the word "submissive" to describe themselves, but women tend not to be comfortable with the term to describe their husbands. Your analogy formally establishes the female led hierarchy without infringing on your perception of your husband as the strong man with whom you fell in love.
Bravo!
Around Her Finger, can now be found at Amazon.com. Here is the link below:
http://www.amazon.com/Around-Her-Finger-Breathing-Relationship/dp/B0025UPLB6
As always, our books and CD’s can be found at:
www.lulu.com/aroundherfinger/
Send questions, comments and success stories to Emily (dot) Addison (at) Gmail (dotcom)
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