Welcome to the updates!
Yes, I know that we are getting less and less reliable with our updates. I wish I could promise that it will get better soon, but I can only tell you that we aspire to more more regular updates, and we hope to return to a more predictable routine soon. Like many others, the economy has us dealing with new priorities and challenges. That doesn't mean our work is here is less important, it just means that it may have to sit on the backburner for a while.
Emily
We are excited to note that the first book, Around Her Finger, can now be found at Amazon.com. Here is the link below:
Around Her Finger at Amazon
As always, our books and CD’s can be found at:
www.lulu.com/aroundherfinger/
Send questions, comments and success stories to Emily (dot) Addison (at) Gmail (dotcom)
Letters from Women
Dear Emily,
My husband bought me your book for my birthday last year. He's really interested in a female-led relationship. I tried to be OK with it, (I even bought him a special book at Christmas for me to write in his "to do lists"). However, I felt really uncomfortable.
I was worried that I had become or was in danger of becoming lazy or selfish. He always said that would never happen as he knows I'm not selfish. I just felt awful that he was doing loads of chores when he was the one who'd been working. (I have very few hours of various creative jobs so am at home more than he.) I also felt worried that his motivation for doing things was sexual. I started to worry that his doing things for me was more to do with his sexual buzz than about just wanting to do them.
I spoke to him about my concerns and he said he understands. He said he loves doing things for me and being my knight in shining armour-but I just felt stuck in a game that didn't make me feel good. I wanted him to remember or think of doing things-whether something nice such as getting a little gift or changing the bed, whereas he said he wanted me to tell him to do them. I spoke to him a little while ago and he said that if he was in the "around-her-finger-mode" he would get better at doing things without me telling him. I found it uncomfortable when I'd asked him to do something and he had told me that he likes doing things for me.
Not that it was a bad thing to hear, but I found it awkward that he drew attention to everything that I'd asked him to do. I don't know why I found it uncomfortable-I guess I just wanted to feel "normal" not as though I was continuously in a game I wasn't sure I wanted to play. As you probably gathered, we stopped-probably within a few months. However, he wants to try again and said that we don't have to be so specific with a list, which I found hard. He's been so understanding and said he's happy whether or not we do adopt the "around-her-finger" relationship, but I know that is what he really wants. I guess I don't want to feel that horrible unease in the back of my mind that I'm turning into someone I don't want to be, nor do I want to have to disappoint him by never being OK with it when he really wants it to work for us.
Has anyone else written with concerns like mine? I would really appreciate your thoughts.
Many thanks,
Nette from London
Emily responds...
Nette, what a wonderful letter, and it is not the first we have received expressing your concern. Your concern, by the way, is very valid... you should not have to find yourself living a life that centers around his fantasy. He is the one that wants to submit to your desires, not the other way around. The challenge is finding a way to give him a way to sense your loving female authority in the relationship without making an uncomfortable charade out of your life together. The good news is that I am comfortable that you can find this middle ground.
For starters, feel free to tell him that the constant to do lists and expectations of him doing everything are officialy gone. If you want something, you will ask him to do it. If he feels generally motivated to do something nice for you, he may feel free so long as he does not overdue it to the point of making you uncomfortable. In turn, you should pick occasional but very impactful moments to demonstrate LFA. Perhaps once every couple of weeks you can tell him rather than ask him to do something and employ a particularly stern tone when doing so. Maybe once a month you can have a girls night out where you do not not tell him your plans until you are on your way out the door. Expressions of your freedom to what you want to do, when you want to do it are as powerful a demonstration of your authority as commands. Above all else, practice orgasm management with some cadence that lets you continue to feel normal but gives him at least an occasional dose of the "brain candy" that this practice deliver for submissive men. His spending time pleasuring you with no subsequent release is extremely powerful.
I truly hope this helps.
Letters from Men
Dear Ken,
I have finally solved the dilemma that my wife and I have regarding orgasm management. On the surface, there seems to be a paradox. The man both wants (desperately) to have an orgasm, but also wants (desperately) to be denied. One impulse is physical... even evolutionary. The other is mental.
While I suppose we can all understand this dichotomy, the more practical question is how the wife of a submissive husband is expected to resolve this in the context of a reward/discipline framework in the relationship? If the husband is particularly attentive, does he get to have an orgasm? If the husband behaves childishly and impulsively, does he get denied? On some level, both climax and denial are a reward.
In our house, we have now adopted the idea that my reward is oral intimacy with my wife. For me, nothing (and I really mean nothing) brings me more contentment and gratification than going down on my wife. My punishment is not the denial of orgasm, but rather the denial of providing her oral sex. To add to this, the decision of whether or not I climax or not is now completely disconnected from how I have behaved during the week. Following oral sex, my wife will typically have me penetrate her. However, whether or not I am allowed to proceed to climax is typically predetermined by her by flipping a coin earlier in the evening. I suppose that she may or may not choose to intervene with her own judgement as she does not share the outcome of the coin toss with me until after penetrative sex has begun, but she at least allows the appearance of an arbitrary event to disconnect her from the decision.
This has been very effective in our relationship. Thank you for everything you both do,
Chad in Denver
Ken responds...
If you have read our books, we discuss the power of the arbitrary event in managing orgasms in some detail. I agree that it is highly effective. Congratulations on the continued success of your relationship.
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Emily and Ken,
I hope you are both well.
Our FLR marriage is progressing well. She has made it clear that there is no going back and this is how she wants our marriage. There are always fluctuations in intensity from both of us, but I am finally learning some patience.
So thanks to you both. Your work helped her dip her toe in the FLR waters and decide if it was to her liking - it was.
Take care,
Unsigned
Ken responds...
Every success story makes us happy . Thanks for sharing.
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Our books and CD’s can be found at www.lulu.com/aroundherfinger/
And now at Amazon:
Around Her Finger at Amazon
Thursday, October 01, 2009
Monday, June 29, 2009
May/June 2009
Welcome to the May/June Updates
I appreciate the many letters of concern that came in during our absence from the updates on this page. It is nice to be missed. We remain committed to finding a partner that can help shepherd the content for our site. We are still looking for that right person, or ideally, the right couple.
Our very mission requires that the content on these pages is carefully controlled so that it remains the soft-landing zone that is virtually non-existent elsewhere.
What we seek is someone who would be a true partner. Someone who would be willing to shepherd the content, contribute to responses, and effectively give us a bit of a break from the day to day. We are not sure exactly how this would work, but we would be willing to entertain suggestions.
Emily
Note: We are excited to note that the first book, Around Her Finger, can now be found at Amazon.com. Here is the link below:
Around Her Finger at Amazon
As always, our books and CD’s can be found at
www.lulu.com/aroundherfinger/
Send questions, comments and success stories to Emily (dot) Addison (at) Gmail (dotcom)
Letters from Women
Dear Emily,
A very close friend of mine showed me your site. She said that her and her husband have been living a female led relationship for the last two years, and she felt she could not keep it from me any longer. She said it has been such a positive thing for her relationship with her husband that she had to share it with me.
I was absolutely shocked when she did. My friend and I grew up together in a small southern town. She met her husband in college, and I have known him myself for fifteen years. I would never have thought this was something he wanted. I will admit that my friend has always worn the pants in the family, so maybe I shouldn’t be surprised. It is just the extent to which she is now in control and the extent to which this makes him happy that I suppose is the surprise.
He opened up to her about your site and his feelings. She had no problem at all with any of it, and she read everything on your site and [others] because if this was something he wanted, she wanted to learn everything she could about how to make it work. She didn’t suspect anything, because she had never heard of anything like this.
The way she talks about what this had done for their relationship has me very jealous. I have always noticed, even before the last two years, that her husband doted on her hand and foot. Lately, however, he has been nothing but a saint around her. Also, he has lost weight, spends more time with their kids, and just seems happier.
I am writing now because I have decided that I also want this with my husband. How do I go about this? My situation is similar to the story told in your book where there are two couples and one learns about this from the other, but is this really the best way to go about it?
Unsigned
Emily responds…
While I think the duration and nature of your friendship make it ok that your friend shared this secret with you, I would advise that you not open up to your husband about your friend, but rather keep it self-contained within your own household.
Tell your husband that you want to try some new things in the bedroom beginning on a Friday night. Have him strip and wait for you on his knees in front of a chair in the bedroom or at the edge of the bed. Wearing something sexy, saunter back into the room and sit down with him remaining on his knees. Tell (don’t’ ask) him to rub your feet, kiss your feet and massage your legs. Have him remove your panties and as he begins to bring you pleasure, tell him that you want to try a two week experiment, and that he must be willing to commit to moving forward with the entire two weeks or it will all end now. Explain the experiment will put you in control of his orgasms.
Show him the world that you can open up for him when he gives you pleasure without climaxing himself. Embrace the emotional connection that this creates for the two of you. Insist that he channel his sexual energy into acts of service to you during the week. Have him spend his evenings on his knees in front of you and show him how loved and appreciated he is in this position. In other words, show him loving female authority at its best. Then, towards the end of the week, give him our book or show him the site. Allow him to make an intellectual decision based on his emotional satisfaction.
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Dear Emily,
I have a friend who has introduced me to your web site. I find it intriguing. At first I was kind of dismissive. The more I talk to my friend the more interested I am. He seems very happy and our discussions have given me a more open mind.
I would like to commend you on your web site and let you know that reading the letters gives me hope that when the time comes I will be able to have an FLR that will satisfy not only me but my partner. My friend shares with me his experiences and he also seems fulfilled. Thanks for sharing this wonderful view.
Sabrina
Emily responds…
You nailed it on the head when you talked about having an open mind, Sabrina. This is key to success in any relationship, but particularly in an Around Her Finger relationship.
Letters from Men
Dear Emily and Ken,
I apologize in advance that this email is so long.I am writing to you with an Around Her Finger success story. We implemented loving female authority in our marriage a little over three months ago. While I do not consider myself submissive in general, I do have intensely submissive feelings toward my wife. Your writings have been such a big help to me.
Our background is that my wife and I had been married for almost twelve years when I introduced her to your website and asked her to consider implementing LFA. We have two elementary school-age children and we both work fulltime in demanding, professional occupations. We already had a solid marriage with good communication, intimacy, partnership and trust before LFA.I was a little worried that she would find the suggestion of LFA weird, but maybe less concerned than some of the other men who write to you.
In some ways our marriage was already led by her – it was just unspoken. My wife went to a prestigious private college where she obtained multiple degrees and then went on to get a post-graduate degree and a professional credential. She has been successful in her career, often leading whatever she is working on. She is also a leader in our extended family, the kids’ school and everywhere else she is present. I have a bachelor’s degree from a state university. My career has been successful also, but I tend to work more in support roles. I earn considerably less than she does.
When we were married, she made sure that the promise to obey was omitted from her vows. She kept her name and suggested (but did not insist) that I take her name. We both kept our own names. She assumed control of our finances at the beginning of our marriage and we are in good financial shape thanks to her. I haven’t seen my paycheck since I was single and I give her all of my debit receipts. I have access to all of the accounts, but it is understood that I leave them alone. We have always discussed big purchases beforehand. She directed the conversations that led to our decision to buy a house and later to start a family. She has never been bossy or an autocrat, but she has a vision for our life together and she makes sure that things that are important to her and good for us happen in a timely manner. None of this constitutes a LFA dynamic, but in some ways it was not such a stretch for us.
Before LFA, we had a great sex life and I have always felt very lucky. We were open-minded and adventurous in the bedroom. She has never been shy about communicating what she wants and what her limits are. She introduced me to certain things early in our marriage and encouraged certain behaviors in me. I have become comfortable with these things, and over the years I have come to crave them (they are things that I think most submissive male readers of your website would relish). I would not, however, describe our pre-LFA sex life as one where she was completely in-charge. It was more give and take, and we often had sex more on my terms. I was not in the habit of offering her foot rubs or massages, and she never requested them. As you might guess, things are different now.
While I have always done a lot of the cooking, shopping, housework, etc, she has often done as much or more. In the past she would suggest household projects and I would often put her off. I recently learned that she would sometimes not suggest a project just because she did not want to have to argue with me about it. She would make our social plans and I would push back if I had other preferences. We would sometimes disagree on child rearing / discipline issues. I have mostly controlled the remote. All of these things sometimes resulted in minor (but upsetting) arguments that I usually lost. She suggested for several years that we hire someone to do our yard work (which I did myself); she wanted me to do more work inside. I finally acquiesced to her on this a couple years ago and now I wonder why I waited so long. There are many other past examples of unnecessary, low-level friction. With LFA, the petty bickering is virtually non-existent. She decides on the household projects and their priorities, our social calendar, etc. I put in my two cents and then she tells me what we’re doing. If I disagree, I try to just let it go and it always seems to work out fine.
When I brought up LFA, she was surprised and confused. She stayed open-minded however, read your website and a few days later told me that we could give it a try. We both acknowledged our roles and gave it a go. We both read your book and discussed LFA a lot. She later told me that one of her main concerns was that this was just a phase for me. I replied that she has a valid concern…I don’t know how I will feel in the future but I believe I am submissive toward her and she has authority as long as she is willing to exercise it. She seems to have accepted that answer. Except for a few setbacks, it has gone great for us.
Even if she had rejected LFA, I would have felt a lot better. When I brought this idea to her, she did not express any disappointment toward me and she did not act like she thinks I am a weirdo. It felt great to be accepted by her on something as personal as feelings of submission. It made me feel very open to her and I just love her for that. She did not, however, reject LFA and she seems comfortable with her role. In fact, shortly after we started the boot camp period she said that LFA is the “natural order.” She made this statement during an intimate time when she had my complete attention and the comment has stuck.
Our everyday life now is in many ways the same as before except I am busier at home, which I have found I like. When we were first married, she said I am like Hestia (the Greek goddess of the hearth and home). She wasn’t mocking me or calling me effeminate. What she meant is that she observed that I find contentment in the mundane tasks of keeping the house in order. I enjoy the process of cooking and cleaning and take my time to do it nicely. It is sort of a meditative time for me, whereas she is just trying to get it over with. With LFA, I have been reminded of her keen observation from many years ago, and I agree with her.
Here’s how a typical day might go since we implemented LFA: We wake up at the same time. After she indicates she has had the attention (if any) she wants, I get in the shower and she goes for her morning exercise. I then make the coffee and get the kids up. I prepare the kids’ breakfast / help them prepare it. When she comes into the kitchen I have her breakfast on the table the way she likes it. I serve her coffee and give her a soft kiss on the cheek (she established this little routine the first week we implemented LFA). I have my coffee, make our lunches, clean-up from breakfast and make our bed. We go to work at about the same time. I exercise at lunch. We touch base throughout the day, often with romantic text messages. In the evening I make dinner and do the dishes. If I’m working late or have some other commitment, she cooks and maybe cleans up. In the evening I’ll run a bath and make some tea or cocktails. After the kids go to bed I serve drinks and often lotion her feet and/ or give her a massage. I now do almost all of the laundry, including hers, and make sure it is put away properly. I also do any other tasks and errands she gives me (there are plenty) and I have some long-term projects that she gave me that I am chipping away at. She is by no means just relaxing all the time. There is plenty for us both to do, but she does have more down time than in the past and our house is cleaner now.
We also implemented orgasm management. We found that this requires a lot of candid conversation. After a few weeks, we became well-established in this. I had a very hard time sleeping during the first two to three weeks, even for just one night of orgasm management. I have now adjusted and I can (usually) sleep even when she keeps me keyed-up. For her I think it was difficult at first to deny me; she wants to make me feel good. She now thoroughly enjoys orgasm management; she has told me so. This may sound bizarre, but I usually do not know whether I want an orgasm. I become confused and feel conflicted about it. I want an orgasm of course, but I also love the vibe that orgasm management creates for us and I don’t want it to end. This is when I just trust her judgment. Trust is what makes it possible to do what she says without hesitation.
There is no denying the increase in intimacy and that is great for us as a couple. I have connected with her in a way that I simply hadn’t before. It is great. I feel like I have rediscovered how sexy and beautiful she is and I tell her all the time. We do not seem to have less sex (maybe more); we have different sex and it is wonderful. We are more affectionate, talk more during and after sex and we are unrushed. She is comfortable having the focus on her and I have found this to be deeply fulfilling for me. I also have a better understanding of what I really need from our intimate times. I will still initiate sex, but with the understanding that she may say no – and I don’t feel rejected at these times. Orgasm management is a big adjustment, but it really does result in increased closeness. It also reinforces our roles in this dynamic. I think that perhaps this is something that a couple has to experience in order to appreciate.
There are a few things I have found helpful as we settle into the LFA part of our relationship. Nothing new…most or all of these things are mentioned on your website and blog. I only mention them as they seem particularly relevant to me and my marriage: (1) I have to be patient. It is counterproductive when I try to set the pace. (2) I have made an effort to disregard my prior ideas of what I think a wife led marriage should mean for my wife. I realized the obvious: that this needs to go according to how she views a wife led marriage. I have also learned that I love doing this her way. (3) I cannot expect her to tell me everything she wants. That is unrealistic. It’s a hassle for her to try and it’s not her style. I am an adult and she expects me to act like one (and I want her respect). This means I need to read between the lines and keep her communication preferences in mind. If she says, “It would be nice to have some tea,” she means, “Go make tea now.” If she says, “I noticed that the bathtub is a little dirty,” she means, “You need to clean the tub.” She wants me to plan and organize my chores and then tell her so she can change my plans if she chooses. She does not want the burden of planning my schedule. She also appreciates it if I offer to do things or do them without any discussion. She generally won’t give orders, but she asserts her authority effectively on her terms. (4) I have found that it helps to read books on the things she wants me to do for her. I realize that she won’t take this seriously if I don’t. I try to do these things right, so she will be happy and inclined to let me do them again. When we started our LFA dynamic, she told me to learn how to do pedicures and massages. I bought books on both topics and am getting better at doing these things for her. This really paid off; she appreciates the effort. She let me know that I’m doing a good job, which made me feel fantastic.
I could go on for pages, but I’ll wrap-up. In summary, LFA has been great for us. I feel closer to my wife, we have rekindled romance and we have connected in new ways. We argue less and communicate better. There is a new sense of harmony in our home. I feel like I am being my true self with her and she accepts me. She knows that I love and adore her because I tell her so and demonstrate it by regularly doing things for her. She is very affectionate and giving toward me also. She seems sweeter and more feminine than ever. She is getting a little more relaxation time and some of the pampering she so deserves. For me one of the hardest parts of LFA is not telling other people about it. It’s not that I want to disclose my private life to everyone, but it is so great that I wish I could share my experience. That is one of the reasons for this letter.
I hope this letter finds you well. Thanks for everything!
Best regards,
Miles in North Carolina
Ken responds…
Your letter is one of the best success stories we have received in a very long time. Your relationship seems the model for LFA that so many seek to find. Your wife seems very secure in her role as a woman, and you are lucky to be able to serve her and work to make her happy. I am sure that many will read your letter and envy your success.
For others that share Miles’ situation -- where they already have a defacto FLR, but the dynamic has gone unspoken -- speak up! It is worth it for both of you.
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Dear Ken,
I want to share with you a story of patiently waiting (years) for my wife to finally embrace LFA and what it has meant for both of us.
I was an early fan of your site. I used to peruse the internet for any content on the topic of men submitting to women. In the early years of the net there was only pornographic content (on which I wasted many shameful hours), then finally intelligent content on this topic started to appear. When your pages went online, it was the first time that I felt anyone spoke to my specific situation.
I immediately started a campaign of stealth submission to my beautiful wife. She loved it, but despite her inquiries as to what was motivating me, I was very coy. I then worked up the courage to tell her that I didn’t feel that every time we were together that I needed to have an orgasm. She said she thought that this was silly, and she never once stopped me from climaxing despite my repeated, but tepid, attempts to discuss it.
After about eight weeks, the stealth submission began to frustrate me, and I gave up on it. While I’m sure she noticed, she didn’t really say anything about it. It was at least a year later that I made another go at it. This time, when she asked, I was prepared with a more thoughtful response to her questions as to what was behind my change in behavior towards her. I told her that I desired a higher-level of intimacy with her. By putting her on a pedestal, I felt like I could achieve that. I also told her that I felt like I felt like the more I did for her, the closer I felt to her, and it created a sense of build-up in affection for her. However, I felt like following sex and specifically following the orgasm, I felt like this feeling of deep affection receded. I asked her if she would at least be open to choosing some nights where did didn’t want me to climax. I suggested the red marble idea that was once suggested in these letters pages. When she put a red marble in the little candle dish next to our bed, I knew it was my signal from her to stop before I released.
She agreed to this, but only very reluctantly. She considered it very kinky, and made it clear that she did not want any part of it as she was not comfortable with it. She would try it for my sake only. Well, from my perspective, it was good while it lasted. We never got to the point where we discussed my submission and where we cemented a dynamic around her authority in the relationship, but I still felt the sense that she controlled something important to me, and the intensity of my feelings for her after being “managed” was wonderful. I felt like it aligned my brain chemistry (as you say) behind my true feelings, and allowed me to express my love in the way that my head knew my heart wanted to do.
Then one day, without any explanation, the marble disappeared from the little porcelain box where it remained when not in the candle dish. When I asked, she said that the whole thing just made her feel slutty, and she wanted no part of it. I was heartbroken.
Fast forward another two years. We were out of town on a vacation together, and both drinking way too much at dinner one night. That night we walked on the beach, and we talked about how perfect our lives were together. We were really lucky. We loved each other very much, we had a great family, we and the kids were healthy, and we were financially secure. She told me I was a great husband, a great father, a great provider and a great lover. Up to then, it was pretty a pretty picture perfect night. We held hands together and went back to our room together. I remember kneeling in front of her helping her out of her clothes. I was completely overcome with a sense of wanting to submit to her. We went to the bed together and I went down on her, only further intensifying my sense of submission. I pulled up and began making love to her, and I can remember so badly wanting to confess my submission.
Because I had been drinking, my stamina was much better than average. After some time and on my own initiative, I pulled out without climaxing. I lay beside my wife and began cuddling, playing with her hair, and generally adoring her. She asked me very pointedly why I didn’t want to finish. With my head still intoxicated, I told her I had something I needed to share with her.
At this point it all came out. I told her I had what felt like a very innate desire to put her on a pedestal, to worship her, adore her, and to actually obey her and to know she was in charge. I began to cry as I told her that I knew this was a strange thing for a man to be telling his wife, but that I felt it so strongly that keeping it inside didn’t seem fair. I knew this was not what she wanted, but I knew that it was what I wanted, and I hoped she would understand. I was perhaps stumbling with my words, but she did not understand at all.
“Do you want me to dominate you,” she asked. She had no frame of reference, and the word “dominate” was her grasping for context. I was sure she misunderstood, and I told her know. I told her I was not seeking some clichéd sort of bedroom play, I was seeking a more refined relationship style where she was in charge and demonstrated that in certain ways.
In the end, I was not doing a good job of communicating, and she was not able to get the picture you present on your site. The next morning was awkward, and thereafter we just didn’t talk about it. Sex was conventional in the following weeks, but to me it seemed that the elephant was always in the room. Out of desperation as much as anything else, I finally gave her your book. I had ordered the online version and read it, but this time I had the printed version delivered to our house in her name. I never saw the book, but I did validate (through Lulu) that it had been delivered.
It was almost eight weeks later that she first brought the topic up. Our kids were at her parents, and we had gone out to dinner. We got home and as we pulled into the driveway, she asked me if I had wondered if she ever got your book. I said that I did wonder a bit. She wanted to know if I had ever read the book. I told her that I had. “And this is what you want,” she said. I stopped the car at the top of the driveway.
“Yes,” I said, “I’d like you to consider it. It represents an opportunity for me to feel closer to you.”
That night our female-led relationship began. Perhaps it is not as intense as some of the people that write to you. It is very much structured around her comfort level and how it works to build on the bond between us. While I know that she did this initially to satisfy my needs in the relationship, I know she would not go back at this point. Once she got comfortable that this wasn’t sexual role playing but was rather a mechanism for relating to each other on a deeper level, it all clicked for her. I think the fringe benefits are also something she values. I do much more work around the house, I am often providing her massages on a table that I bough for her, and I have lost a great deal of weight as am taking better care of myself as well as her.
The most amazing thing about our new relationship is that it is 99% the same, but 100% more satisfying. That almost sounds crazy as I read it back, but it is true. We can easily go an entire day and our LFA relationship can be completely transparent. To summarize key differences, I would begin with the fact that she is much more open to telling what she want me to do and what she expects of me. This would be helpful in any marriage for a husband to have clarity on what his wife expects, and it is welcome in my own marriage. Secondly, I do more work around the house. This is largely a function of my first point and her openness to delegating more accountability to me. Third, there is more affection and communication between us. This is not my imagination, this is absolutely correct. I think of her ALL the time, and this is reflected in my attitude and interactions with her.
In truth, I think she is still building her comfort with the final differences in our relationship. She has still uses the green/red marble system for communicating whether or not she wants me to orgasm. She has just not gotten over the hump to where she speaks firmly and decisively in regard to her sexual wants, but I think that is all ok.
Unsigned
I love your letter. It is a testimony to patience on your part and understanding on hers. I am confident that she will recognize the benefits that this offers to both of you and grow in her comfort with LFA.
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Hi Emily and Ken,I
've written one or two letters to you in the past, and I've always found your site to be my best source of hope for introducing loving female authority to my wife. So, before I get to the point of this letter, I'll thank you again for the important non-threatening environment you provide for exploration of this topic. I read in your posted letters of couples that do find happiness and fulfillment through these ideals. Their successes have been inspirational to me.
I discovered your site more than two years ago, and soon after made a commitment to work for these ideals in my own marriage. It took me a year, but after several increasingly open and promising conversations with my wife I worked up the nerve to give her your book. That was fifteen months ago. I'm sad to report that I now wish that I had not started this journey. I'll explain.
First, any man who approaches his wife with this proposition needs to understand that there is grave risk of a spectacular misunderstanding on the part of his wife, regardless of sincerity or earnestness in his communication with her. Her reaction is simply not in his control. From my own experience, and from that of several men I have communicated with through online forums, some women are completely threatened by their husband asking for what is (essentially) a radical change in the dynamic of the marriage relationship. I guess I can't blame her: While I believe I was telling her that I would find joy and fulfillment in the two of us working as a team to put her needs first and foremost, she thinks I have been telling her that I'm unhappy with our relationship and that she needs to change. We've not had arguments about this, but she simply cannot get past this view no matter how I try to approach the topic. She believes this effort is an expression of my dissatisfaction with our life together. She's also afraid that I cannot be happy generally unless she accommodates these needs. That is not a happy result. The very last thing I ever wanted was to pressure her into uncomfortable behavior.
So, while I'm proud of myself for having the guts to open up completely with my wife about my feelings, I would take it all back if I could. I also caution other men before diving into the pool. My efforts have, ultimately, threatened the peace in what has been a decade-long, happy and contented marriage. We'll get through this, but I'm now with regret in the difficult process of trying to let all of this go and put it behind me as a failure. As you've often commented, something will always be missing for me - and I know precisely what that is. Ultimately, however, my wife seems simply unable to relate to the idea of my serving her needs and her expecting me to do so. It's just not in her wiring. My continuing to hope for more will only bring stress or resentment for both of us.
Thanks again,
Unsigned in Ohio
Emily responds…
While Ken typically responds to letters sent to us by men, I felt compelled to respond to yours.
You are not the first man to be rejected by his wife, and you will certainly not be the last. The risk of rejection is real, and that legitimizes the anxiety that men face in their decision of when and how to approach their wives. I will say that letters like your own are sometimes followed by much happier letters at later dates, but of course, some are not.
In your case, your wife feels that she alone cannot make you happy; she can only do so in conjunction with a female led dynamic. I think that she misunderstands your commitment to serve her, but I also think that she may not be open to an honest conversation on the topic. This is unfortunate.
My best advice is to serve her despite the fact that your sense of submission is not touched. We can all collectively hope that circumstances afford the opportunity to open this conversation once again.
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Our books and CD’s can be found at www.lulu.com/aroundherfinger/
And now at Amazon: Click here.
I appreciate the many letters of concern that came in during our absence from the updates on this page. It is nice to be missed. We remain committed to finding a partner that can help shepherd the content for our site. We are still looking for that right person, or ideally, the right couple.
Our very mission requires that the content on these pages is carefully controlled so that it remains the soft-landing zone that is virtually non-existent elsewhere.
What we seek is someone who would be a true partner. Someone who would be willing to shepherd the content, contribute to responses, and effectively give us a bit of a break from the day to day. We are not sure exactly how this would work, but we would be willing to entertain suggestions.
Emily
Note: We are excited to note that the first book, Around Her Finger, can now be found at Amazon.com. Here is the link below:
Around Her Finger at Amazon
As always, our books and CD’s can be found at
www.lulu.com/aroundherfinger/
Send questions, comments and success stories to Emily (dot) Addison (at) Gmail (dotcom)
Letters from Women
Dear Emily,
A very close friend of mine showed me your site. She said that her and her husband have been living a female led relationship for the last two years, and she felt she could not keep it from me any longer. She said it has been such a positive thing for her relationship with her husband that she had to share it with me.
I was absolutely shocked when she did. My friend and I grew up together in a small southern town. She met her husband in college, and I have known him myself for fifteen years. I would never have thought this was something he wanted. I will admit that my friend has always worn the pants in the family, so maybe I shouldn’t be surprised. It is just the extent to which she is now in control and the extent to which this makes him happy that I suppose is the surprise.
He opened up to her about your site and his feelings. She had no problem at all with any of it, and she read everything on your site and [others] because if this was something he wanted, she wanted to learn everything she could about how to make it work. She didn’t suspect anything, because she had never heard of anything like this.
The way she talks about what this had done for their relationship has me very jealous. I have always noticed, even before the last two years, that her husband doted on her hand and foot. Lately, however, he has been nothing but a saint around her. Also, he has lost weight, spends more time with their kids, and just seems happier.
I am writing now because I have decided that I also want this with my husband. How do I go about this? My situation is similar to the story told in your book where there are two couples and one learns about this from the other, but is this really the best way to go about it?
Unsigned
Emily responds…
While I think the duration and nature of your friendship make it ok that your friend shared this secret with you, I would advise that you not open up to your husband about your friend, but rather keep it self-contained within your own household.
Tell your husband that you want to try some new things in the bedroom beginning on a Friday night. Have him strip and wait for you on his knees in front of a chair in the bedroom or at the edge of the bed. Wearing something sexy, saunter back into the room and sit down with him remaining on his knees. Tell (don’t’ ask) him to rub your feet, kiss your feet and massage your legs. Have him remove your panties and as he begins to bring you pleasure, tell him that you want to try a two week experiment, and that he must be willing to commit to moving forward with the entire two weeks or it will all end now. Explain the experiment will put you in control of his orgasms.
Show him the world that you can open up for him when he gives you pleasure without climaxing himself. Embrace the emotional connection that this creates for the two of you. Insist that he channel his sexual energy into acts of service to you during the week. Have him spend his evenings on his knees in front of you and show him how loved and appreciated he is in this position. In other words, show him loving female authority at its best. Then, towards the end of the week, give him our book or show him the site. Allow him to make an intellectual decision based on his emotional satisfaction.
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Dear Emily,
I have a friend who has introduced me to your web site. I find it intriguing. At first I was kind of dismissive. The more I talk to my friend the more interested I am. He seems very happy and our discussions have given me a more open mind.
I would like to commend you on your web site and let you know that reading the letters gives me hope that when the time comes I will be able to have an FLR that will satisfy not only me but my partner. My friend shares with me his experiences and he also seems fulfilled. Thanks for sharing this wonderful view.
Sabrina
Emily responds…
You nailed it on the head when you talked about having an open mind, Sabrina. This is key to success in any relationship, but particularly in an Around Her Finger relationship.
Letters from Men
Dear Emily and Ken,
I apologize in advance that this email is so long.I am writing to you with an Around Her Finger success story. We implemented loving female authority in our marriage a little over three months ago. While I do not consider myself submissive in general, I do have intensely submissive feelings toward my wife. Your writings have been such a big help to me.
Our background is that my wife and I had been married for almost twelve years when I introduced her to your website and asked her to consider implementing LFA. We have two elementary school-age children and we both work fulltime in demanding, professional occupations. We already had a solid marriage with good communication, intimacy, partnership and trust before LFA.I was a little worried that she would find the suggestion of LFA weird, but maybe less concerned than some of the other men who write to you.
In some ways our marriage was already led by her – it was just unspoken. My wife went to a prestigious private college where she obtained multiple degrees and then went on to get a post-graduate degree and a professional credential. She has been successful in her career, often leading whatever she is working on. She is also a leader in our extended family, the kids’ school and everywhere else she is present. I have a bachelor’s degree from a state university. My career has been successful also, but I tend to work more in support roles. I earn considerably less than she does.
When we were married, she made sure that the promise to obey was omitted from her vows. She kept her name and suggested (but did not insist) that I take her name. We both kept our own names. She assumed control of our finances at the beginning of our marriage and we are in good financial shape thanks to her. I haven’t seen my paycheck since I was single and I give her all of my debit receipts. I have access to all of the accounts, but it is understood that I leave them alone. We have always discussed big purchases beforehand. She directed the conversations that led to our decision to buy a house and later to start a family. She has never been bossy or an autocrat, but she has a vision for our life together and she makes sure that things that are important to her and good for us happen in a timely manner. None of this constitutes a LFA dynamic, but in some ways it was not such a stretch for us.
Before LFA, we had a great sex life and I have always felt very lucky. We were open-minded and adventurous in the bedroom. She has never been shy about communicating what she wants and what her limits are. She introduced me to certain things early in our marriage and encouraged certain behaviors in me. I have become comfortable with these things, and over the years I have come to crave them (they are things that I think most submissive male readers of your website would relish). I would not, however, describe our pre-LFA sex life as one where she was completely in-charge. It was more give and take, and we often had sex more on my terms. I was not in the habit of offering her foot rubs or massages, and she never requested them. As you might guess, things are different now.
While I have always done a lot of the cooking, shopping, housework, etc, she has often done as much or more. In the past she would suggest household projects and I would often put her off. I recently learned that she would sometimes not suggest a project just because she did not want to have to argue with me about it. She would make our social plans and I would push back if I had other preferences. We would sometimes disagree on child rearing / discipline issues. I have mostly controlled the remote. All of these things sometimes resulted in minor (but upsetting) arguments that I usually lost. She suggested for several years that we hire someone to do our yard work (which I did myself); she wanted me to do more work inside. I finally acquiesced to her on this a couple years ago and now I wonder why I waited so long. There are many other past examples of unnecessary, low-level friction. With LFA, the petty bickering is virtually non-existent. She decides on the household projects and their priorities, our social calendar, etc. I put in my two cents and then she tells me what we’re doing. If I disagree, I try to just let it go and it always seems to work out fine.
When I brought up LFA, she was surprised and confused. She stayed open-minded however, read your website and a few days later told me that we could give it a try. We both acknowledged our roles and gave it a go. We both read your book and discussed LFA a lot. She later told me that one of her main concerns was that this was just a phase for me. I replied that she has a valid concern…I don’t know how I will feel in the future but I believe I am submissive toward her and she has authority as long as she is willing to exercise it. She seems to have accepted that answer. Except for a few setbacks, it has gone great for us.
Even if she had rejected LFA, I would have felt a lot better. When I brought this idea to her, she did not express any disappointment toward me and she did not act like she thinks I am a weirdo. It felt great to be accepted by her on something as personal as feelings of submission. It made me feel very open to her and I just love her for that. She did not, however, reject LFA and she seems comfortable with her role. In fact, shortly after we started the boot camp period she said that LFA is the “natural order.” She made this statement during an intimate time when she had my complete attention and the comment has stuck.
Our everyday life now is in many ways the same as before except I am busier at home, which I have found I like. When we were first married, she said I am like Hestia (the Greek goddess of the hearth and home). She wasn’t mocking me or calling me effeminate. What she meant is that she observed that I find contentment in the mundane tasks of keeping the house in order. I enjoy the process of cooking and cleaning and take my time to do it nicely. It is sort of a meditative time for me, whereas she is just trying to get it over with. With LFA, I have been reminded of her keen observation from many years ago, and I agree with her.
Here’s how a typical day might go since we implemented LFA: We wake up at the same time. After she indicates she has had the attention (if any) she wants, I get in the shower and she goes for her morning exercise. I then make the coffee and get the kids up. I prepare the kids’ breakfast / help them prepare it. When she comes into the kitchen I have her breakfast on the table the way she likes it. I serve her coffee and give her a soft kiss on the cheek (she established this little routine the first week we implemented LFA). I have my coffee, make our lunches, clean-up from breakfast and make our bed. We go to work at about the same time. I exercise at lunch. We touch base throughout the day, often with romantic text messages. In the evening I make dinner and do the dishes. If I’m working late or have some other commitment, she cooks and maybe cleans up. In the evening I’ll run a bath and make some tea or cocktails. After the kids go to bed I serve drinks and often lotion her feet and/ or give her a massage. I now do almost all of the laundry, including hers, and make sure it is put away properly. I also do any other tasks and errands she gives me (there are plenty) and I have some long-term projects that she gave me that I am chipping away at. She is by no means just relaxing all the time. There is plenty for us both to do, but she does have more down time than in the past and our house is cleaner now.
We also implemented orgasm management. We found that this requires a lot of candid conversation. After a few weeks, we became well-established in this. I had a very hard time sleeping during the first two to three weeks, even for just one night of orgasm management. I have now adjusted and I can (usually) sleep even when she keeps me keyed-up. For her I think it was difficult at first to deny me; she wants to make me feel good. She now thoroughly enjoys orgasm management; she has told me so. This may sound bizarre, but I usually do not know whether I want an orgasm. I become confused and feel conflicted about it. I want an orgasm of course, but I also love the vibe that orgasm management creates for us and I don’t want it to end. This is when I just trust her judgment. Trust is what makes it possible to do what she says without hesitation.
There is no denying the increase in intimacy and that is great for us as a couple. I have connected with her in a way that I simply hadn’t before. It is great. I feel like I have rediscovered how sexy and beautiful she is and I tell her all the time. We do not seem to have less sex (maybe more); we have different sex and it is wonderful. We are more affectionate, talk more during and after sex and we are unrushed. She is comfortable having the focus on her and I have found this to be deeply fulfilling for me. I also have a better understanding of what I really need from our intimate times. I will still initiate sex, but with the understanding that she may say no – and I don’t feel rejected at these times. Orgasm management is a big adjustment, but it really does result in increased closeness. It also reinforces our roles in this dynamic. I think that perhaps this is something that a couple has to experience in order to appreciate.
There are a few things I have found helpful as we settle into the LFA part of our relationship. Nothing new…most or all of these things are mentioned on your website and blog. I only mention them as they seem particularly relevant to me and my marriage: (1) I have to be patient. It is counterproductive when I try to set the pace. (2) I have made an effort to disregard my prior ideas of what I think a wife led marriage should mean for my wife. I realized the obvious: that this needs to go according to how she views a wife led marriage. I have also learned that I love doing this her way. (3) I cannot expect her to tell me everything she wants. That is unrealistic. It’s a hassle for her to try and it’s not her style. I am an adult and she expects me to act like one (and I want her respect). This means I need to read between the lines and keep her communication preferences in mind. If she says, “It would be nice to have some tea,” she means, “Go make tea now.” If she says, “I noticed that the bathtub is a little dirty,” she means, “You need to clean the tub.” She wants me to plan and organize my chores and then tell her so she can change my plans if she chooses. She does not want the burden of planning my schedule. She also appreciates it if I offer to do things or do them without any discussion. She generally won’t give orders, but she asserts her authority effectively on her terms. (4) I have found that it helps to read books on the things she wants me to do for her. I realize that she won’t take this seriously if I don’t. I try to do these things right, so she will be happy and inclined to let me do them again. When we started our LFA dynamic, she told me to learn how to do pedicures and massages. I bought books on both topics and am getting better at doing these things for her. This really paid off; she appreciates the effort. She let me know that I’m doing a good job, which made me feel fantastic.
I could go on for pages, but I’ll wrap-up. In summary, LFA has been great for us. I feel closer to my wife, we have rekindled romance and we have connected in new ways. We argue less and communicate better. There is a new sense of harmony in our home. I feel like I am being my true self with her and she accepts me. She knows that I love and adore her because I tell her so and demonstrate it by regularly doing things for her. She is very affectionate and giving toward me also. She seems sweeter and more feminine than ever. She is getting a little more relaxation time and some of the pampering she so deserves. For me one of the hardest parts of LFA is not telling other people about it. It’s not that I want to disclose my private life to everyone, but it is so great that I wish I could share my experience. That is one of the reasons for this letter.
I hope this letter finds you well. Thanks for everything!
Best regards,
Miles in North Carolina
Ken responds…
Your letter is one of the best success stories we have received in a very long time. Your relationship seems the model for LFA that so many seek to find. Your wife seems very secure in her role as a woman, and you are lucky to be able to serve her and work to make her happy. I am sure that many will read your letter and envy your success.
For others that share Miles’ situation -- where they already have a defacto FLR, but the dynamic has gone unspoken -- speak up! It is worth it for both of you.
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Dear Ken,
I want to share with you a story of patiently waiting (years) for my wife to finally embrace LFA and what it has meant for both of us.
I was an early fan of your site. I used to peruse the internet for any content on the topic of men submitting to women. In the early years of the net there was only pornographic content (on which I wasted many shameful hours), then finally intelligent content on this topic started to appear. When your pages went online, it was the first time that I felt anyone spoke to my specific situation.
I immediately started a campaign of stealth submission to my beautiful wife. She loved it, but despite her inquiries as to what was motivating me, I was very coy. I then worked up the courage to tell her that I didn’t feel that every time we were together that I needed to have an orgasm. She said she thought that this was silly, and she never once stopped me from climaxing despite my repeated, but tepid, attempts to discuss it.
After about eight weeks, the stealth submission began to frustrate me, and I gave up on it. While I’m sure she noticed, she didn’t really say anything about it. It was at least a year later that I made another go at it. This time, when she asked, I was prepared with a more thoughtful response to her questions as to what was behind my change in behavior towards her. I told her that I desired a higher-level of intimacy with her. By putting her on a pedestal, I felt like I could achieve that. I also told her that I felt like I felt like the more I did for her, the closer I felt to her, and it created a sense of build-up in affection for her. However, I felt like following sex and specifically following the orgasm, I felt like this feeling of deep affection receded. I asked her if she would at least be open to choosing some nights where did didn’t want me to climax. I suggested the red marble idea that was once suggested in these letters pages. When she put a red marble in the little candle dish next to our bed, I knew it was my signal from her to stop before I released.
She agreed to this, but only very reluctantly. She considered it very kinky, and made it clear that she did not want any part of it as she was not comfortable with it. She would try it for my sake only. Well, from my perspective, it was good while it lasted. We never got to the point where we discussed my submission and where we cemented a dynamic around her authority in the relationship, but I still felt the sense that she controlled something important to me, and the intensity of my feelings for her after being “managed” was wonderful. I felt like it aligned my brain chemistry (as you say) behind my true feelings, and allowed me to express my love in the way that my head knew my heart wanted to do.
Then one day, without any explanation, the marble disappeared from the little porcelain box where it remained when not in the candle dish. When I asked, she said that the whole thing just made her feel slutty, and she wanted no part of it. I was heartbroken.
Fast forward another two years. We were out of town on a vacation together, and both drinking way too much at dinner one night. That night we walked on the beach, and we talked about how perfect our lives were together. We were really lucky. We loved each other very much, we had a great family, we and the kids were healthy, and we were financially secure. She told me I was a great husband, a great father, a great provider and a great lover. Up to then, it was pretty a pretty picture perfect night. We held hands together and went back to our room together. I remember kneeling in front of her helping her out of her clothes. I was completely overcome with a sense of wanting to submit to her. We went to the bed together and I went down on her, only further intensifying my sense of submission. I pulled up and began making love to her, and I can remember so badly wanting to confess my submission.
Because I had been drinking, my stamina was much better than average. After some time and on my own initiative, I pulled out without climaxing. I lay beside my wife and began cuddling, playing with her hair, and generally adoring her. She asked me very pointedly why I didn’t want to finish. With my head still intoxicated, I told her I had something I needed to share with her.
At this point it all came out. I told her I had what felt like a very innate desire to put her on a pedestal, to worship her, adore her, and to actually obey her and to know she was in charge. I began to cry as I told her that I knew this was a strange thing for a man to be telling his wife, but that I felt it so strongly that keeping it inside didn’t seem fair. I knew this was not what she wanted, but I knew that it was what I wanted, and I hoped she would understand. I was perhaps stumbling with my words, but she did not understand at all.
“Do you want me to dominate you,” she asked. She had no frame of reference, and the word “dominate” was her grasping for context. I was sure she misunderstood, and I told her know. I told her I was not seeking some clichéd sort of bedroom play, I was seeking a more refined relationship style where she was in charge and demonstrated that in certain ways.
In the end, I was not doing a good job of communicating, and she was not able to get the picture you present on your site. The next morning was awkward, and thereafter we just didn’t talk about it. Sex was conventional in the following weeks, but to me it seemed that the elephant was always in the room. Out of desperation as much as anything else, I finally gave her your book. I had ordered the online version and read it, but this time I had the printed version delivered to our house in her name. I never saw the book, but I did validate (through Lulu) that it had been delivered.
It was almost eight weeks later that she first brought the topic up. Our kids were at her parents, and we had gone out to dinner. We got home and as we pulled into the driveway, she asked me if I had wondered if she ever got your book. I said that I did wonder a bit. She wanted to know if I had ever read the book. I told her that I had. “And this is what you want,” she said. I stopped the car at the top of the driveway.
“Yes,” I said, “I’d like you to consider it. It represents an opportunity for me to feel closer to you.”
That night our female-led relationship began. Perhaps it is not as intense as some of the people that write to you. It is very much structured around her comfort level and how it works to build on the bond between us. While I know that she did this initially to satisfy my needs in the relationship, I know she would not go back at this point. Once she got comfortable that this wasn’t sexual role playing but was rather a mechanism for relating to each other on a deeper level, it all clicked for her. I think the fringe benefits are also something she values. I do much more work around the house, I am often providing her massages on a table that I bough for her, and I have lost a great deal of weight as am taking better care of myself as well as her.
The most amazing thing about our new relationship is that it is 99% the same, but 100% more satisfying. That almost sounds crazy as I read it back, but it is true. We can easily go an entire day and our LFA relationship can be completely transparent. To summarize key differences, I would begin with the fact that she is much more open to telling what she want me to do and what she expects of me. This would be helpful in any marriage for a husband to have clarity on what his wife expects, and it is welcome in my own marriage. Secondly, I do more work around the house. This is largely a function of my first point and her openness to delegating more accountability to me. Third, there is more affection and communication between us. This is not my imagination, this is absolutely correct. I think of her ALL the time, and this is reflected in my attitude and interactions with her.
In truth, I think she is still building her comfort with the final differences in our relationship. She has still uses the green/red marble system for communicating whether or not she wants me to orgasm. She has just not gotten over the hump to where she speaks firmly and decisively in regard to her sexual wants, but I think that is all ok.
Unsigned
I love your letter. It is a testimony to patience on your part and understanding on hers. I am confident that she will recognize the benefits that this offers to both of you and grow in her comfort with LFA.
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Hi Emily and Ken,I
've written one or two letters to you in the past, and I've always found your site to be my best source of hope for introducing loving female authority to my wife. So, before I get to the point of this letter, I'll thank you again for the important non-threatening environment you provide for exploration of this topic. I read in your posted letters of couples that do find happiness and fulfillment through these ideals. Their successes have been inspirational to me.
I discovered your site more than two years ago, and soon after made a commitment to work for these ideals in my own marriage. It took me a year, but after several increasingly open and promising conversations with my wife I worked up the nerve to give her your book. That was fifteen months ago. I'm sad to report that I now wish that I had not started this journey. I'll explain.
First, any man who approaches his wife with this proposition needs to understand that there is grave risk of a spectacular misunderstanding on the part of his wife, regardless of sincerity or earnestness in his communication with her. Her reaction is simply not in his control. From my own experience, and from that of several men I have communicated with through online forums, some women are completely threatened by their husband asking for what is (essentially) a radical change in the dynamic of the marriage relationship. I guess I can't blame her: While I believe I was telling her that I would find joy and fulfillment in the two of us working as a team to put her needs first and foremost, she thinks I have been telling her that I'm unhappy with our relationship and that she needs to change. We've not had arguments about this, but she simply cannot get past this view no matter how I try to approach the topic. She believes this effort is an expression of my dissatisfaction with our life together. She's also afraid that I cannot be happy generally unless she accommodates these needs. That is not a happy result. The very last thing I ever wanted was to pressure her into uncomfortable behavior.
So, while I'm proud of myself for having the guts to open up completely with my wife about my feelings, I would take it all back if I could. I also caution other men before diving into the pool. My efforts have, ultimately, threatened the peace in what has been a decade-long, happy and contented marriage. We'll get through this, but I'm now with regret in the difficult process of trying to let all of this go and put it behind me as a failure. As you've often commented, something will always be missing for me - and I know precisely what that is. Ultimately, however, my wife seems simply unable to relate to the idea of my serving her needs and her expecting me to do so. It's just not in her wiring. My continuing to hope for more will only bring stress or resentment for both of us.
Thanks again,
Unsigned in Ohio
Emily responds…
While Ken typically responds to letters sent to us by men, I felt compelled to respond to yours.
You are not the first man to be rejected by his wife, and you will certainly not be the last. The risk of rejection is real, and that legitimizes the anxiety that men face in their decision of when and how to approach their wives. I will say that letters like your own are sometimes followed by much happier letters at later dates, but of course, some are not.
In your case, your wife feels that she alone cannot make you happy; she can only do so in conjunction with a female led dynamic. I think that she misunderstands your commitment to serve her, but I also think that she may not be open to an honest conversation on the topic. This is unfortunate.
My best advice is to serve her despite the fact that your sense of submission is not touched. We can all collectively hope that circumstances afford the opportunity to open this conversation once again.
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Our books and CD’s can be found at www.lulu.com/aroundherfinger/
And now at Amazon: Click here.
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
March / April 2009
Welcome to the March and April Updates
My apologies for the significant delay in getting the update posted this month (and last). Ken has been traveling quite a bit for work lately. This is a development that offers challenges beyond just this updates page, but in this economy, he and I are grateful that he remains busy.
His schedule has raised an interesting discussion between the two of us as it relates to this site. We have always been the primary providers (editors) of content for the site and updates, and we have never really felt that we have given either quite the attention that they deserve. Many sites related to this topic create content by simply opening forums to public posting. For reasons that are obvious to the long-time visitors to our pages, we are not in a position to do this. Our very mission requires that the content on these pages is carefully controlled so that it remains the soft-landing zone that is virtually non-existent elsewhere.
What we seek is someone who would be a true partner. Someone who would be willing to shepherd the content, contribute to responses, and effectively give us a bit of a break from the day to day. We are not sure exactly how this would work, but we would be willing to entertain suggestions.
Emily
As always, our books and CD’s can be found at www.lulu.com/aroundherfinger/
Send questions, comments and success stories to Emily (dot) Addison (at) Gmail (dotcom)
Letters from Women
Dear Emily,
My husband has been submissive to me since before we even married. He gave me your New Bride’s Guide to Training her Husband months before becoming engaged. He said that this was a part of him which he felt was very important to share before we made a commitment, and I’m grateful that he did. I feel very naturally suited to the head of the household role, and I find that the lack of ambiguity about my having the final authority in the marriage is incredibly liberating for both of us.
There is often talk about chore-doing and intimacy on your site, but I want to mention how I find our sex life to be incredibly satisfying, and I know that he does as well. Over time I have become very uninhibited in regard to my expectations, and we have both become very comfortable in our respective sexual roles. It is not at all uncommon for me to have him go down on me while I am watching TV in the evenings. I will lie back on our couch, him kneeling in front of me and proceeding very slowly with only gentle and very subtle kissing between my legs. I don’t know if other women have experienced this, but this very slow build up of oral sex sets the stage for very intense orgasm not possible if foreplay is rushed or ignored altogether. However, in previous traditional (non-AHF) relationships, I never would have felt comfortable allowing this gradual build up. I would have enjoyed ten minutes of perhaps more aggressive oral sex before ultimately feeling that it was my turn to reciprocate. Now, I feel no such pressure. He lovingly dotes on me until such time that I ask him use a vibrator on me. This then creates orgasms more intense and physically satisfying I had ever previously experienced, and certainly more intense than traditional intercourse alone.
Once we have gone through this process, I usually (but not always) allow for physical intercourse. At this point, I am so physically stimulated that the intercourse allows for continued intense orgasms. I will usually signal for him to slow down and he ultimately comes to a complete stop, remaining motionless inside me. He and I will stare at each other, and he knows that I expect that he is to speak to me. He has cried in this situation before as he tells me how much he loves me. It is as if his hormones are working within him to create an intense emotional connection. These are deeply intimate moments that I could not imagine without AHF. More often than not I will not allow him release, but whether I allow this or not, he reaffirms his affectionate obedience for me by dropping back to his knees where he again kisses and adores me before I send him off to bring me a warm washcloth.
There is nothing I do not love about this man and our relationship. Our life together is wonderful, and I do feel that I owe you a debt of gratitude for sharing your ideas with all of us.
Thanks you,
Beth in Texas
Emily responds…
What can I add to such a wonderful description of your intimate moments with your husband? I have said before that one cannot overestimate the impact that managing a man’s orgasm has on his emotional connection to his wife. Bravo for mastering this.
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Dear Emily,
My husband and I have been practicing LFA for a few months now. After my husband satisfies me orally I will deny his orgasm and we will hug and caress for a while until I fall asleep. Lately he will wakeup in the middle of the night (with an erection) and will begin kissing me and begging for sex. I will tell him to go back to sleep and have threatened to extend the time that he will be allowed to orgasm. The problem is this leads to more begging and complaining that he "can't sleep".
I have to confess there is a part of me that enjoys hearing him beg and offer promises of good deeds. I am looking for a creative way to break him of these bad habits any ideas?
Karen from NY
Emily responds…
The next time it happens, tell him firmly and with resolve that he is to sleep on the floor at the foot of your bed. Accept no excuse and no talking back. Do not, however, deprive yourself of his devotion and adoration. In the morning, on your time and your terms, have him kneel in front of you and speak to you about his feelings. This allows him the emotional release that he craves as much as the physical release, it allows you the intimate connection, but ultimately it allows you to get your beauty sleep.
You are in charge, you make the rules... always!
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Dear Emily,
I have no direct ties to an Around Her Finger relationship. I know, however, that a male friend of mine does. He was married to a good friend of mine who passed away very unexpectedly a couple of years ago. I always knew that their relationship was “special”, but I didn’t understand until he opened up to me about it, showing me your site and discussing the particulars of their marriage. To me it explained a lot of things, and I think it contributed very positively to the life they had together. While his relationship with his first wife evolved into a female-led relationship over time, he has told me that he wants to seek the same with any new women he dates. As I say, I am just a friend of his, and I am not interested in him romantically. However, I still care about him. I write now because I am afraid he has gotten himself into a relationship that is not good for him.
He is forty-eight years old and has been dating a very young (I would guess early twenties) woman for about eight months. It is obvious to me that she is in charge in their relationship. I was over at his house recently when she was there and she was barking orders at him while he waited on her hand and foot. She made a bit of a game at telling him to go get her drink, and then she said she needed one more ice cube, then he came back and she needed another ice cube. I didn’t think there was anything “loving” about her authority. She smiled at me as if I was in on her joke, but I found no humor in her antics. I know he bought her a new car (he has quite a bit of money) and lots of new clothes. I also have been told by a mutual friend that she has been seen out (recently) with another man closer to her age. In short, I feel she is taking advantage of him.
I do not want to be judgmental, remember, I am the one that thinks Around Her Finger really helped his last marriage. At the same time, I do think it is possible to go too far and take advantage of a man.
What do you think?
Unsigned in Pennsylvania
Emily responds…
You mentioned that in this man’s first marriage, he and his wife grew into a female-led relationship. This is ideal. Find common interests, build emotional ties, and then elevate the intimacy in the relationship by introducing LFA. It seems that your friend went out seeking someone interested in controlling him for the sake of control, and not for the sake of building upon existing intimacy. You should speak to him about the circumstances in which he met this woman and understand if they built any common bonds before it became apparent to her that he was willing to serve and obey her. I suspect he leapfrogged this step.
Of course a man can be taken advantage of by a woman that chooses to manipulate rather than nurture his submission. Once a man is exposed to female authority it will create a real emptiness if it is taken away. One can understand why a man would be willing to overlook the element of genuine affection and love and settle for just the authority component, but it will not satisfy him in the long run. Talk to him. He may need a friend to point out what he may already know is obvious. Have him write me if he is comfortable.
Letters from Men
Ms. and Mr. Addison,
I'm sure your lives must be very busy and that must be why you haven't updated your posts lately, but I have to tell you that your updates mean a lot to some of us husbands out there. My wife has taught me to very patient, so I can certainly wait until you have time to post again, but I just wanted to let you know that I greatly appreciate your updates.
My wife told me she didn't want me looking at any porn or being on any female led bulletin boards as of last October. She said it would be better for me to focus on her alone without outside input. I do think she has been right, however she does approve your site and your book, and your site is the only one that my computer will allow me to go to since she has set controls on the computer.
I greatly appreciate your site as a way to at least feel somewhat connected to other men in similar relationships. And because your site avoids any porn or erotic angles on the relationship and keeps the focus on the wife, then she is ok with me looking at yours. So anyway, I just wanted to let you know how important your site is in my life and how greatly I appreciate it. I hope you are able to find the time to post again soon. I will wait patiently for both your site, as well as for the things my wife now makes me wait patiently for.... sometimes two weeks these days.
Anyway, thanks.-WR
Ken responds…
We have gone way too long without updates. I certainly offer my humble apologies as I beg for your continued patience with the demands on my time.
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Dear Ken,
After various attempts at stealth submission and games where she played dominant roles, I gave your book to my wife in March last year. She took her time to read it, and we finally started a FLR in late April, even though we never really had a conversation like the one you describe in the book.
In the beginning it was more like a game to her, even though I was very serious about it. Sometimes she liked the game and sometimes she found it annoying, but somehow we continued. Last November I raised my voice at her over something silly, and she reacted strongly. I think that was the first time she really acted as she was in totally charge and expected me to be submissive - until then, she had tolerated/sometimes played the "game" but had never really taken an active role. This time she made me hand wash the dishes for two weeks and didn't let me have orgasms for those same two weeks. She also behaved with a more assertive style.
Since then things have really changed and keep changing. She actively controls my orgasms (something she didn't really do for the first seven moths of our FLR) and makes me do what she needs or wants in order to be comfortable at all times. This includes focusing on her pleasure in bed, regardless of my having an orgasm or not (at the beginning she was always very considerate and refused to be "selfish" towards me even though I told her that what I wanted was to serve her).
Needless to say, I am much happier now that she has finally taken control and the last three or four months have been great for me. I think for her as well. Our first FLR anniversary is coming up soon and I want to do something special for her.
Thanks for you wonderful website and book. It has really changed our lifes, I believe for ever.
Unsigned
Ken responds…
Stealth submission never works… it is getting to be a tired story around here, but one that can’t really be told enough. It took giving her the book just to get things started, but it took a very tangible life incident to convince her that this is really what she wanted. You opened the door to the car, but she is clearly driving.
This is how it should be. Congratulations.
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Ken,
My wife and I have been in an FLR for a little more than two years and your book was very helpful in taking us down that road. It is the one resource my wife actually read and liked. My problem is that lately, it has been better and more fulfilling for 90% of the time, but the other 10% of the time, I'm at a big low. I'm sure it won't surprise you to hear that that 10% is right after orgasm.
Any suggestions?
Unsigned
Ken responds…
Explain this to your wife. She needs you to complete the feedback loop so she can become better at controlling your orgasm for your mutual benefit. Your orgasms need to be managed in such a way that they maximize your affection and service to her... period.
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Hello Ken and Emily!
I'm a very young man (23) years old that has been searching around the internet for articles on male submission. I guess this venture for knowledge stemmed from my very long-held fantasies of being submissive to a woman. I recently ran across your website. There is not a whole lot of rational and low key material out there on this subject. Thank you for putting this all out on the web and setting up a place to let people know that they are not alone.
I am slightly confused as to what exactly my true motives are in all of this. My girlfriend and I have discussed our more natural roles in the bedroom. She tends to be more dominant, and I am submissive. When I asked her what she thought, she said that’s the way things have been heading. I then followed up by asking her if she liked the way that things were going, and she agreed that she did. During intimate experiences we have been performing these roles to a certain degree. She has become more confident and even a little cocky in bed. I find this irresistible. I love her a great deal and would love to do this kind of stuff for her as acts of service are my primary means of communicating my love. I have known about my feelings on this subject but that I have already been performing "stealth submission" for the last year or so... all the classic examples, with the foot rubs and massages which she will ask for on occasion but mostly only accepts when offered.
What do you guys think? Seeing as how I feel I could go and be happy either way, I want to make this as comfortable as possible for her. From what I have described here is this worth looking into and exploring more? Should I bring this up to her and try to have a conversation about this with her?I would like to do some more reading on the subject to truly understand how this all works, if nothing else it is a VERY interesting and exciting topic to explore if nothing more than education alone. Any advice or reading material you could provide would be wonderful!
Thanks so much!
Unsigned
Ken responds….
I think getting her reading material on this topic is more important than you reading more material. Let her get the beginning of an education on the broader merits of an FLR and let her decide where to take this. Trust her; she knows what is best for you.
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Emily and Ken,
A quick note of thanks.
Your website, book and letters have been wonderful for my wife and me. They just hit the right note for us both. Making a FLR very accessible and open to future possibilities.... nothing too prescriptive or confrontational for either of us....but setting a direction for us to explore service and new dynamics within our marriage. So thanks.
I also wanted to comment on bottom kissing and how it is a very powerful submissive experience for me. This is something that you comment on as being common for submissive men. It is for me. However my experience (and comments) are too explicit and surprising....so I'll simply say that I agree with you.
Finally I just looked at a poll on a related site that indicated that your book and website are a significant resource for folks introducing FLR to their marriage. This is something to be proud of.
Thanks again,
Unsigned
Ken responds….
Your words are very kind. Emily and I are both glad that we can be of some service to others who are going through the same challenges that she and I went through together in the beginning of our own journey to a female-led relationship.
Thank you also for your polite endorsement of bottom kissing. I think many women are inhibited in regard to allowing their husbands this indulgence. Perhaps they would open up a bit if they knew the deep sense of closeness that it brings about in the submissive man.
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Dear Emily and Ken,
I have been a regular visitor to your site for a couple years now. My wife and I have experimented with female dominance on and off over our twenty year marriage. There was a time, about ten years ago, when I told her that I wanted her to be in charge of our marriage. To my surprise, she was game for it. It went great for awhile, but then my male ego somehow rose up and in an argument I made the remark that I only submitted to her because she wouldn't submit to me and SOMEBODY had to be in charge. She took that personally, and ever since then whenever I bring up the prospect of her being in charge, those words return to haunt me.
My problem is that I become excited about the thought of submitting to her, but after the fun is over, I feel ashamed of being dominated by a woman, and my male ego rises up again and asserts itself. Is there something either she or I can do to prevent this from happening? I am afraid to try again knowing that I will only rebel again. But if I knew how to prevent that from happening, I would be on my knees today, begging her to take charge once and for all and pledging my absolute obedience.
Thank you listening,
Jon
Ken responds…
It seems to me that you are half way there already in that you recognize that your male ego is working against what it is that you truly want. Understanding your weaknesses is the beginning of overcoming them.
Go to your wife with your concerns. Talk to her about this site and how your interest in FLR's has remained and you continue to mature beyond your initial experiments ten years ago. Be sure that you focus on what is in it for her and that it is primarily a means of becoming closer with her... not the culmination of your sexual fantasies.
Openness, communication, time... these are all your allies.
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Dear Ken,
Help.
Here is my situation and I respectfully request your insights and suggestions on how I might proceed. I have been in stealth mode for the past 1.5 months. I have been doing almost all the laundry, majority of the meals and dishes, vacuuming and cleaning of the shower and bathrooms (between cleaning visits by maid service) and cleaning her car. I have definitely stepped up significantly vs. what I had done in the past. Also I now give my wife almost nightly foot massages while we watch TV and I have given her the remote, although on a couple of occasions she hasn’t been comfortable with it. Initially she said, "oh you don’t need to massage my feet tonight", but she has become more comfortable with it, loves the feel of the oil and the one hour foot massages and now no longer questions it, just enjoys it (progress!). Also, almost daily I caress her body both at night and in the morning while in bed, not expecting and sometime refusing anything in return. You must understand that my wife is a very giving women, putting others first, so this has been difficult for her to accept.
We have been married for twenty-one years and my wife is an attractive, albeit conservative women. In the past two months, our passion has improved, we talk more and I look for opportunities where I can do things for her. Most recently I purchased a massage table with a mattress heater as a surprise. I provided her with a letter/menu that I left for her in her car in the morning. The letter said it was to be her night/all about her if she so desired, and it had options for her to select in how the night was to go.
To my surprise, when she returned home that evening she returned the note to me with her selections checked and she loved the idea. She chose to have me undress her and join her in the shower to shave her legs, followed by a full body massage by candlelight followed by me softly kissing her body (etc). She so enjoyed the new table and the evening and told me so. So I told her how much I enjoyed doing it for her, and would love to do it again, but that she had to request it herself.
Well it has been two weeks and she has yet to request it. Granted we have been busy, but I am attempting (ok manipulating the situation) to push her to make requests for what she wants. So I am at an impasse, do you have any suggestions on how I should proceed? I want to prepare her for my introducing her to FLM, but I first want her to experience some of the benefits prior to bringing it up. I am not sure if I should do another letter/menu and if so what new things can I put on it for her to choose from, or should I just wait for her to request “another night of pleasure”?
So, respectfully, your insights and suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
Unsigned
Ken responds…
If you have been reading our site for any time at all, then you already know the answer to your question. Stealth submission will never satisfy you. You must open up to her about your submission in a way that opens the door to a more structured FLR, where you both formally acknowledge your roles and they are reinforced with the techniques we discuss on here.
It is becoming cliché, and it is certainly self serving, but it is time for you to buy her our book. It may not go perfectly, but over time, she will understand the benefits that this offers to both of you.
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Our books and CD’s can be found at www.lulu.com/aroundherfinger/
My apologies for the significant delay in getting the update posted this month (and last). Ken has been traveling quite a bit for work lately. This is a development that offers challenges beyond just this updates page, but in this economy, he and I are grateful that he remains busy.
His schedule has raised an interesting discussion between the two of us as it relates to this site. We have always been the primary providers (editors) of content for the site and updates, and we have never really felt that we have given either quite the attention that they deserve. Many sites related to this topic create content by simply opening forums to public posting. For reasons that are obvious to the long-time visitors to our pages, we are not in a position to do this. Our very mission requires that the content on these pages is carefully controlled so that it remains the soft-landing zone that is virtually non-existent elsewhere.
What we seek is someone who would be a true partner. Someone who would be willing to shepherd the content, contribute to responses, and effectively give us a bit of a break from the day to day. We are not sure exactly how this would work, but we would be willing to entertain suggestions.
Emily
As always, our books and CD’s can be found at www.lulu.com/aroundherfinger/
Send questions, comments and success stories to Emily (dot) Addison (at) Gmail (dotcom)
Letters from Women
Dear Emily,
My husband has been submissive to me since before we even married. He gave me your New Bride’s Guide to Training her Husband months before becoming engaged. He said that this was a part of him which he felt was very important to share before we made a commitment, and I’m grateful that he did. I feel very naturally suited to the head of the household role, and I find that the lack of ambiguity about my having the final authority in the marriage is incredibly liberating for both of us.
There is often talk about chore-doing and intimacy on your site, but I want to mention how I find our sex life to be incredibly satisfying, and I know that he does as well. Over time I have become very uninhibited in regard to my expectations, and we have both become very comfortable in our respective sexual roles. It is not at all uncommon for me to have him go down on me while I am watching TV in the evenings. I will lie back on our couch, him kneeling in front of me and proceeding very slowly with only gentle and very subtle kissing between my legs. I don’t know if other women have experienced this, but this very slow build up of oral sex sets the stage for very intense orgasm not possible if foreplay is rushed or ignored altogether. However, in previous traditional (non-AHF) relationships, I never would have felt comfortable allowing this gradual build up. I would have enjoyed ten minutes of perhaps more aggressive oral sex before ultimately feeling that it was my turn to reciprocate. Now, I feel no such pressure. He lovingly dotes on me until such time that I ask him use a vibrator on me. This then creates orgasms more intense and physically satisfying I had ever previously experienced, and certainly more intense than traditional intercourse alone.
Once we have gone through this process, I usually (but not always) allow for physical intercourse. At this point, I am so physically stimulated that the intercourse allows for continued intense orgasms. I will usually signal for him to slow down and he ultimately comes to a complete stop, remaining motionless inside me. He and I will stare at each other, and he knows that I expect that he is to speak to me. He has cried in this situation before as he tells me how much he loves me. It is as if his hormones are working within him to create an intense emotional connection. These are deeply intimate moments that I could not imagine without AHF. More often than not I will not allow him release, but whether I allow this or not, he reaffirms his affectionate obedience for me by dropping back to his knees where he again kisses and adores me before I send him off to bring me a warm washcloth.
There is nothing I do not love about this man and our relationship. Our life together is wonderful, and I do feel that I owe you a debt of gratitude for sharing your ideas with all of us.
Thanks you,
Beth in Texas
Emily responds…
What can I add to such a wonderful description of your intimate moments with your husband? I have said before that one cannot overestimate the impact that managing a man’s orgasm has on his emotional connection to his wife. Bravo for mastering this.
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Dear Emily,
My husband and I have been practicing LFA for a few months now. After my husband satisfies me orally I will deny his orgasm and we will hug and caress for a while until I fall asleep. Lately he will wakeup in the middle of the night (with an erection) and will begin kissing me and begging for sex. I will tell him to go back to sleep and have threatened to extend the time that he will be allowed to orgasm. The problem is this leads to more begging and complaining that he "can't sleep".
I have to confess there is a part of me that enjoys hearing him beg and offer promises of good deeds. I am looking for a creative way to break him of these bad habits any ideas?
Karen from NY
Emily responds…
The next time it happens, tell him firmly and with resolve that he is to sleep on the floor at the foot of your bed. Accept no excuse and no talking back. Do not, however, deprive yourself of his devotion and adoration. In the morning, on your time and your terms, have him kneel in front of you and speak to you about his feelings. This allows him the emotional release that he craves as much as the physical release, it allows you the intimate connection, but ultimately it allows you to get your beauty sleep.
You are in charge, you make the rules... always!
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Dear Emily,
I have no direct ties to an Around Her Finger relationship. I know, however, that a male friend of mine does. He was married to a good friend of mine who passed away very unexpectedly a couple of years ago. I always knew that their relationship was “special”, but I didn’t understand until he opened up to me about it, showing me your site and discussing the particulars of their marriage. To me it explained a lot of things, and I think it contributed very positively to the life they had together. While his relationship with his first wife evolved into a female-led relationship over time, he has told me that he wants to seek the same with any new women he dates. As I say, I am just a friend of his, and I am not interested in him romantically. However, I still care about him. I write now because I am afraid he has gotten himself into a relationship that is not good for him.
He is forty-eight years old and has been dating a very young (I would guess early twenties) woman for about eight months. It is obvious to me that she is in charge in their relationship. I was over at his house recently when she was there and she was barking orders at him while he waited on her hand and foot. She made a bit of a game at telling him to go get her drink, and then she said she needed one more ice cube, then he came back and she needed another ice cube. I didn’t think there was anything “loving” about her authority. She smiled at me as if I was in on her joke, but I found no humor in her antics. I know he bought her a new car (he has quite a bit of money) and lots of new clothes. I also have been told by a mutual friend that she has been seen out (recently) with another man closer to her age. In short, I feel she is taking advantage of him.
I do not want to be judgmental, remember, I am the one that thinks Around Her Finger really helped his last marriage. At the same time, I do think it is possible to go too far and take advantage of a man.
What do you think?
Unsigned in Pennsylvania
Emily responds…
You mentioned that in this man’s first marriage, he and his wife grew into a female-led relationship. This is ideal. Find common interests, build emotional ties, and then elevate the intimacy in the relationship by introducing LFA. It seems that your friend went out seeking someone interested in controlling him for the sake of control, and not for the sake of building upon existing intimacy. You should speak to him about the circumstances in which he met this woman and understand if they built any common bonds before it became apparent to her that he was willing to serve and obey her. I suspect he leapfrogged this step.
Of course a man can be taken advantage of by a woman that chooses to manipulate rather than nurture his submission. Once a man is exposed to female authority it will create a real emptiness if it is taken away. One can understand why a man would be willing to overlook the element of genuine affection and love and settle for just the authority component, but it will not satisfy him in the long run. Talk to him. He may need a friend to point out what he may already know is obvious. Have him write me if he is comfortable.
Letters from Men
Ms. and Mr. Addison,
I'm sure your lives must be very busy and that must be why you haven't updated your posts lately, but I have to tell you that your updates mean a lot to some of us husbands out there. My wife has taught me to very patient, so I can certainly wait until you have time to post again, but I just wanted to let you know that I greatly appreciate your updates.
My wife told me she didn't want me looking at any porn or being on any female led bulletin boards as of last October. She said it would be better for me to focus on her alone without outside input. I do think she has been right, however she does approve your site and your book, and your site is the only one that my computer will allow me to go to since she has set controls on the computer.
I greatly appreciate your site as a way to at least feel somewhat connected to other men in similar relationships. And because your site avoids any porn or erotic angles on the relationship and keeps the focus on the wife, then she is ok with me looking at yours. So anyway, I just wanted to let you know how important your site is in my life and how greatly I appreciate it. I hope you are able to find the time to post again soon. I will wait patiently for both your site, as well as for the things my wife now makes me wait patiently for.... sometimes two weeks these days.
Anyway, thanks.-WR
Ken responds…
We have gone way too long without updates. I certainly offer my humble apologies as I beg for your continued patience with the demands on my time.
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Dear Ken,
After various attempts at stealth submission and games where she played dominant roles, I gave your book to my wife in March last year. She took her time to read it, and we finally started a FLR in late April, even though we never really had a conversation like the one you describe in the book.
In the beginning it was more like a game to her, even though I was very serious about it. Sometimes she liked the game and sometimes she found it annoying, but somehow we continued. Last November I raised my voice at her over something silly, and she reacted strongly. I think that was the first time she really acted as she was in totally charge and expected me to be submissive - until then, she had tolerated/sometimes played the "game" but had never really taken an active role. This time she made me hand wash the dishes for two weeks and didn't let me have orgasms for those same two weeks. She also behaved with a more assertive style.
Since then things have really changed and keep changing. She actively controls my orgasms (something she didn't really do for the first seven moths of our FLR) and makes me do what she needs or wants in order to be comfortable at all times. This includes focusing on her pleasure in bed, regardless of my having an orgasm or not (at the beginning she was always very considerate and refused to be "selfish" towards me even though I told her that what I wanted was to serve her).
Needless to say, I am much happier now that she has finally taken control and the last three or four months have been great for me. I think for her as well. Our first FLR anniversary is coming up soon and I want to do something special for her.
Thanks for you wonderful website and book. It has really changed our lifes, I believe for ever.
Unsigned
Ken responds…
Stealth submission never works… it is getting to be a tired story around here, but one that can’t really be told enough. It took giving her the book just to get things started, but it took a very tangible life incident to convince her that this is really what she wanted. You opened the door to the car, but she is clearly driving.
This is how it should be. Congratulations.
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Ken,
My wife and I have been in an FLR for a little more than two years and your book was very helpful in taking us down that road. It is the one resource my wife actually read and liked. My problem is that lately, it has been better and more fulfilling for 90% of the time, but the other 10% of the time, I'm at a big low. I'm sure it won't surprise you to hear that that 10% is right after orgasm.
Any suggestions?
Unsigned
Ken responds…
Explain this to your wife. She needs you to complete the feedback loop so she can become better at controlling your orgasm for your mutual benefit. Your orgasms need to be managed in such a way that they maximize your affection and service to her... period.
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Hello Ken and Emily!
I'm a very young man (23) years old that has been searching around the internet for articles on male submission. I guess this venture for knowledge stemmed from my very long-held fantasies of being submissive to a woman. I recently ran across your website. There is not a whole lot of rational and low key material out there on this subject. Thank you for putting this all out on the web and setting up a place to let people know that they are not alone.
I am slightly confused as to what exactly my true motives are in all of this. My girlfriend and I have discussed our more natural roles in the bedroom. She tends to be more dominant, and I am submissive. When I asked her what she thought, she said that’s the way things have been heading. I then followed up by asking her if she liked the way that things were going, and she agreed that she did. During intimate experiences we have been performing these roles to a certain degree. She has become more confident and even a little cocky in bed. I find this irresistible. I love her a great deal and would love to do this kind of stuff for her as acts of service are my primary means of communicating my love. I have known about my feelings on this subject but that I have already been performing "stealth submission" for the last year or so... all the classic examples, with the foot rubs and massages which she will ask for on occasion but mostly only accepts when offered.
What do you guys think? Seeing as how I feel I could go and be happy either way, I want to make this as comfortable as possible for her. From what I have described here is this worth looking into and exploring more? Should I bring this up to her and try to have a conversation about this with her?I would like to do some more reading on the subject to truly understand how this all works, if nothing else it is a VERY interesting and exciting topic to explore if nothing more than education alone. Any advice or reading material you could provide would be wonderful!
Thanks so much!
Unsigned
Ken responds….
I think getting her reading material on this topic is more important than you reading more material. Let her get the beginning of an education on the broader merits of an FLR and let her decide where to take this. Trust her; she knows what is best for you.
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Emily and Ken,
A quick note of thanks.
Your website, book and letters have been wonderful for my wife and me. They just hit the right note for us both. Making a FLR very accessible and open to future possibilities.... nothing too prescriptive or confrontational for either of us....but setting a direction for us to explore service and new dynamics within our marriage. So thanks.
I also wanted to comment on bottom kissing and how it is a very powerful submissive experience for me. This is something that you comment on as being common for submissive men. It is for me. However my experience (and comments) are too explicit and surprising....so I'll simply say that I agree with you.
Finally I just looked at a poll on a related site that indicated that your book and website are a significant resource for folks introducing FLR to their marriage. This is something to be proud of.
Thanks again,
Unsigned
Ken responds….
Your words are very kind. Emily and I are both glad that we can be of some service to others who are going through the same challenges that she and I went through together in the beginning of our own journey to a female-led relationship.
Thank you also for your polite endorsement of bottom kissing. I think many women are inhibited in regard to allowing their husbands this indulgence. Perhaps they would open up a bit if they knew the deep sense of closeness that it brings about in the submissive man.
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Dear Emily and Ken,
I have been a regular visitor to your site for a couple years now. My wife and I have experimented with female dominance on and off over our twenty year marriage. There was a time, about ten years ago, when I told her that I wanted her to be in charge of our marriage. To my surprise, she was game for it. It went great for awhile, but then my male ego somehow rose up and in an argument I made the remark that I only submitted to her because she wouldn't submit to me and SOMEBODY had to be in charge. She took that personally, and ever since then whenever I bring up the prospect of her being in charge, those words return to haunt me.
My problem is that I become excited about the thought of submitting to her, but after the fun is over, I feel ashamed of being dominated by a woman, and my male ego rises up again and asserts itself. Is there something either she or I can do to prevent this from happening? I am afraid to try again knowing that I will only rebel again. But if I knew how to prevent that from happening, I would be on my knees today, begging her to take charge once and for all and pledging my absolute obedience.
Thank you listening,
Jon
Ken responds…
It seems to me that you are half way there already in that you recognize that your male ego is working against what it is that you truly want. Understanding your weaknesses is the beginning of overcoming them.
Go to your wife with your concerns. Talk to her about this site and how your interest in FLR's has remained and you continue to mature beyond your initial experiments ten years ago. Be sure that you focus on what is in it for her and that it is primarily a means of becoming closer with her... not the culmination of your sexual fantasies.
Openness, communication, time... these are all your allies.
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Dear Ken,
Help.
Here is my situation and I respectfully request your insights and suggestions on how I might proceed. I have been in stealth mode for the past 1.5 months. I have been doing almost all the laundry, majority of the meals and dishes, vacuuming and cleaning of the shower and bathrooms (between cleaning visits by maid service) and cleaning her car. I have definitely stepped up significantly vs. what I had done in the past. Also I now give my wife almost nightly foot massages while we watch TV and I have given her the remote, although on a couple of occasions she hasn’t been comfortable with it. Initially she said, "oh you don’t need to massage my feet tonight", but she has become more comfortable with it, loves the feel of the oil and the one hour foot massages and now no longer questions it, just enjoys it (progress!). Also, almost daily I caress her body both at night and in the morning while in bed, not expecting and sometime refusing anything in return. You must understand that my wife is a very giving women, putting others first, so this has been difficult for her to accept.
We have been married for twenty-one years and my wife is an attractive, albeit conservative women. In the past two months, our passion has improved, we talk more and I look for opportunities where I can do things for her. Most recently I purchased a massage table with a mattress heater as a surprise. I provided her with a letter/menu that I left for her in her car in the morning. The letter said it was to be her night/all about her if she so desired, and it had options for her to select in how the night was to go.
To my surprise, when she returned home that evening she returned the note to me with her selections checked and she loved the idea. She chose to have me undress her and join her in the shower to shave her legs, followed by a full body massage by candlelight followed by me softly kissing her body (etc). She so enjoyed the new table and the evening and told me so. So I told her how much I enjoyed doing it for her, and would love to do it again, but that she had to request it herself.
Well it has been two weeks and she has yet to request it. Granted we have been busy, but I am attempting (ok manipulating the situation) to push her to make requests for what she wants. So I am at an impasse, do you have any suggestions on how I should proceed? I want to prepare her for my introducing her to FLM, but I first want her to experience some of the benefits prior to bringing it up. I am not sure if I should do another letter/menu and if so what new things can I put on it for her to choose from, or should I just wait for her to request “another night of pleasure”?
So, respectfully, your insights and suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
Unsigned
Ken responds…
If you have been reading our site for any time at all, then you already know the answer to your question. Stealth submission will never satisfy you. You must open up to her about your submission in a way that opens the door to a more structured FLR, where you both formally acknowledge your roles and they are reinforced with the techniques we discuss on here.
It is becoming cliché, and it is certainly self serving, but it is time for you to buy her our book. It may not go perfectly, but over time, she will understand the benefits that this offers to both of you.
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Our books and CD’s can be found at www.lulu.com/aroundherfinger/
Friday, January 30, 2009
February 2009
Welcome to the February Updates
The cold weather this winter has kept to many of us inside. Proximity breeds romance, but it can sometimes test our patience with those we love. Imagine if the rules in your own relationships were crystal clear, and her words and wishes were always the priority. Would that not turn your cabin fever into properly channeled affection in a hurry?
Enjoy the letters and keep warm!
Emily
As always, our books and CD’s can be found at www.lulu.com/aroundherfinger/Send questions, comments and success stories to Emily (dot) Addison (at) Gmail (dotcom)
Letters from Women
Emily,
My husband approached me last year with your web site and book. I was in the final trimester of a pregnancy and we were really enjoying the final time for me to be pregnant, my different body, and knowing this would be our last pregnancy. I was quite intrigued at his interest and suggestions, but since we already have children and had another on the way, I was not sure how to implement your ideas. He felt very energized, however, as did I, and we went ahead and made a re-commitment to each other using some of your suggestions and adding some things of our own.
We have been married for nearly 15 years and together for nearly 20, and have always had a good sexual relationship, but this added a new dimension to many different areas of our relationship, areas that needed a little help. We had a good couple of weeks prior to the baby and then after about 6 weeks or so, another good couple of months. His focus was on me to a degree that it had not been for a long time and we were really working as a team with our house.
However, I'm writing now because I cannot seem to generate the attention, focus, and energy to be the top dog all of the time. I have two older children a ten year old and now an almost one year old, and I feel like tracking his behavior and coming up with ways for him to serve me or help me has become a chore. Unfortunately, I have let my part slip, and I'm sure he misses the new energy in the relationship, as do I. I'm looking for some help for how to maintain this long-term. I am game for many things in the bedroom (when we can find the time or space!!), but would really appreciate some pointers on keeping on. I think we probably need to re-focus, perhaps with another "inaugural" session of our own, but really want to figure out how to maintain the energy or focus with a household and kids to manage, too.
Perhaps a complicating factor is that, professionally, he is extremely busy and because he is doing a training program, does not have control of his schedule, so is not around all that much. I feel bad telling him to take care of things when he has had minimal sleep and time off.
I appreciate your feedback and any suggestions you may have.
Unsigned
Emily responds…
First and foremost, congratulations on the success of your relationship. It sounds like you had a spectacular marriage before this started, and your openness to these ideas allowed you to expand on your relationship. This is the ideal set of circumstances.
First, it is ok to relax, even if it creates a lull in the intensity for your husband. It is true that th is is about you and him together, but that said, you need to always put your interests first. Reinforcing his submission is a means to a better relationship, but it begins and ends with a happier and more contented wife. The good news is that despite your hectic lifestyles there are some things I think you can do to mix up your relationship.
Begin by putting your pleasure and the denial of his orgasm at the forefront of your plans. Send him an email telling him to go out and purchase you something intimate. Be no more specific than this; allow his creativity to express itself. Ask him to give it to you on an evening the following weekend. Tell him that if you are pleased with the gift, you will allow him an orgasm, if not; he will have to buy another gift.
You now have created a dynamic where until he buys and gives you that gift, he will not be able to stop thinking about it… and more pointedly… about you. You will have accomplished two weeks of sustained and deeply felt affection (in him and for you) with a several sentence email. When the gift comes, have him wrap it and lay it at your feed in the bedroom. Have him kneel before you, but tell him that you want to have him provide oral sex on you for some time before you open the gift. Then, no matter what the gift, tell him you were hoping that his choice had been something “a bit less inhibited”, and that he will have to come back the following week with something more exciting.
This adorable little game then continues for another week.
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Letters from Men
Emily and Ken,
A sincere thank you from another enlightened (and grateful) man. I was raised in a very "traditional" household where the man makes all the decisions, the woman waits on the man, etc., and I would have never even entertained the thought of LFA had I not discovered your site. About six months ago, I purchased your book, read it and gave it to my wife of 11+ years. We have a great marriage by the way- much better than most of our friends' in my opinion- but we had definitely been fighting more than usual the past few years. She read the book and agreed that the concepts presented made a lot of sense, and we had what I call a "honeymoon period" of about two weeks where everything was great inside and outside of the bedroom. Unfortunately she never formalized her role as the head of the household, I wasn't comfortable approaching her again, and the excitement faded. We soon began to drift apart again.
About a month ago, we sat down to talk about what had been wrong lately and I brought up your book and the fact that we had only given LFA a half-hearted attempt. I explained that it had been very difficult for me to share my submissive feelings with her and that I felt somewhat rejected and embarrassed by the fact that she had not reciprocated by formalizing her authority- or at least told me that LFA was not for her. She agreed that we needed to talk and suggested that we go out to dinner in the next few days. Three days later, we did. I denied myself during those three days and was extremely excited to see what the evening would bring. My wife did not disappoint. She is usually a fairly conservative dresser, but emerged from our bedroom that evening wearing a sexy black dress and black leather boots. She looked beautiful, and given our agenda for the evening I was extremely turned on by the outfit.
As we left for the restaurant, I almost felt like we were on our first date again. I rushed to open doors for her and felt genuinely excited to be out with her- needless to say, not a normal state of mind for a husband of 11+ years. We had a very nice dinner, and soon the conversation turned to your book and our relationship. We discussed my submissive desires, how relaxed I felt with her in control, and her occasional frustration with being "just" a housewife and mother- whereas she held a management position when she was working. (She chose to stay at home and is very busy with volunteer activities, but still feels the need to have a so-called real job). The more we talked, the more I felt that LFA was right for us. It would give her a position of control and authority in our relationship that we both seemed to desire. About halfway through dinner, she reached into her purse, pulled out a piece of paper, pushed it across the table and told me to sign
it.
The paper was a written agreement stating that she is now the head of the household, and I will change my behavior to please her. It was a really creative move on her part that I never saw coming, and I found it very exciting. (I actually got an erection while reading it). Needless to say, I signed. Once we returned home, I told her that I felt it was important for me to formally express my submissive status (kind of the flipside of her formally asserting her authority over me). She agreed, and I dropped to my knees. I alternated between holding her hands and rubbing her legs while looking up into her eyes. I told her that I was not taking this decision lightly and truly believed it would be good for us, and that I love her probably more than she even understands. I also told her that I admire her, respect her, and completely trust her. I acknowledged her as the head of our household and the decision maker in our marriage. Finally, I promised to obey her. I then gave her some time to digest what I had said. It was an incredible evening and the memory reinforces my desire to be in submission to her.
I am not naive' enough to think that there won't be any more difficult times- we obviously still have the pressures of life to deal with (work, raising kids, etc.), but I am certain that LFA has been a very positive change for us. I think it has given my wife a renewed sense of self confidence, and I know it has made me a better person. I am much more relaxed and just generally more enjoyable to be around. I handle stress better, my temper seems to be under control, and the temptation to argue with my wife is almost completely gone. Frankly, I am now often the doting husband I always hoped to be. My sex drive is up, my wife looks more beautiful to me than she ever has, and I continue to be excited by her subtle reminders of her authority over me. Given that this has gone on uninterrupted for almost a month, I am convinced that it is genuine and permanent- as opposed to temporary excitement that might result from a new role-playing scenario.
I also routinely kiss or rub her feet (something I always wanted to do but rarely did), and she is clearly more receptive to this behavior than before we adopted LFA. I am hopeful that we will continue to discover together additional methods to reinforce our new roles. I think many men are taught that they must lead in all situations. This can have the effect of making us feel like we have to know everything in order to be a success. Not only is this an unrealistic expectation in any context, it is particularly burdensome in the context of a marriage- where the wife is simply better suited to make most, if not all, decisions. She continues to impress me as I keep my mouth shut and let her drive the boat- her decisions continue to be good ones (and not always what I would have chosen). Not only does she seem intrinsically better suited to make these decisions, she simply knows more about what goes on in our home life. That said, she is not too proud to ask for my input if she feels like it will be valuable. Another example- she has an ability to discipline our children and still have them feel loved- even in the immediate aftermath of the punishment. This is a gift I simply do not have. All of this has been incredibly liberating for me (yes, me). The burden of trying to lead my wife in situations where she should be in control has been lifted.
Thank you.
Sincerely,
Greg T in Texas.
Ken responds…
We have received many thoughtful and well-written success stories in the years that we have been doing running the site and updates page, and this is one of the most spectacular letters we have ever received.
You hit on some key benefits we often fail to reinforce. For example, your temper and your impulse to argue are greatly diminished. LFA gives you a first level filter that says, “she is in charge, and I obey” as opposed to “I agree or disagree”, and you have learned how liberating this can be. You are also so perceptive in highlighting her strengths as a woman and a wife.
You are both incredibly lucky to have each other.
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Dear Emily and Ken:
Emily wrote: " I have mentioned before that bottom kissing is something most women learn to treasure, and for many submissive men it triggers deep a deep sense of their place in the relationship."
In my experience discovering these triggers is a vital part in the success of an AHF relationship. For us, triggers took two forms, both of which established that sense of place for each of us. Incidentally, neither took place in bed or involved orgasm control.
One trigger involved key words. An important cause of our AHF relationship was unacceptable behavior on my part. I was short and brusque too much of the time -- I didn't like it any more than my wife did. She called this behavior "snippy"; as our AHF parameters became established, she warned me against snippy behavior at the slightest deviation from an acceptable attitude. It instantly reestablished the dominant position in her mind – especially since I responded to it instantly by stopping and apologizing. So, this gave the sense of place to both of us.
Also, our morning ritual was essential. Every morning after she dropped the kids at school, she called to tell me that she was on her way home. This was a signal for me to stop what I was doing, prepare her tea, and wait for her at the kitchen table until she returned. I used the time to meditate on the relationship, how wonderful she was, and how much I wanted to serve and please her. It was very centering and -- as Emily writes -- triggered that deep sense of place. Upon returning home, she would sit at the table and drink her tea without even speaking to me at first. This taught me patience. Then she will initiate the conversation and we would speak about whatever might be on our minds. Afterwards, I knelt and kissed her hands until she told me to rise. Then, we went about our day.
While none of this -- the key words or the ritual -- involved any direct sexual contact, they were of course exciting to both of us. But she felt -- and I certainly agree -- that the point was for me to find that sense of place without the stimulus of sexual behavior. Finding that place is a reward in itself, maybe even our goal.
Not that I'm against bottom kissing: That's fun, too!
Unsigned
Ken responds…
This excellent letter is an appropriate reminder that the rituals of reinforcing who is in charge and who obeys do not have to be sexual in nature to be effective.
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Ken:
I really like your website and your approach to this topic. Like most of the men who write to you, I am searching for a positive way to express my sexuality, which includes a life-long desire to give authority to a strong and loving woman.
Also like a lot of the men who write to you, I have tried out some ideas through stealth submission to my wife. For background, she is a beautiful and accomplished woman, smart, and a natural leader with very significant roles in civic affairs at several local, state and national organizations. Her decisions put the best interests of our family first, so, as an intelligent man, I have long deferred to her.
Regarding my implementation of stealth submission, before seeing your website or any others on this, I "invented" the idea that I would stop self-pleasuring. This produced intense loving feelings on my part for my poor unsuspecting wife. She had no idea how strong my sex drive was, and she had not really been unhappy about our (utterly becalmed) sex life. It had a wonderful effect on intimacy – before, she had complained that I would hardly ever touch her, but upon quitting I craved it.
I now have ten months of experience in my experiment, and I have learned some things about myself: If I am sexually interested but going without orgasms for three or four days, I feel much more anxiety, I am easily frustrated and get angry, and I lose a lot of sleep. I really struggle with feelings of rejection by my wife (who loves me, without a doubt, but her libido is decidedly low). At times I have gotten to feeling pretty emotionally unstable, feeling impulses to do reckless and crazy things (quit my job, ask for a divorce). I really have struggled with this. To get it under control, now, when I feel this happening I go ahead and masturbate. It makes me sad because it is not what I want, but it is effective in getting me back to a more stable mental state.
My submission experiment was stealthy, but I did tell my wife about discontinuing masturbation (it never had been a secret, although she preferred not knowing any details). After a few fights about sex she urged me to go back to self-pleasuring a little, to take pressure off of her and in light of the now apparent fact that orgasm was a major stress management tool for me. Eventually I concluded that she was right, reluctantly, because as I said it feels lonely and disappointing to me. I use it as a last resort.
Finally, I find myself having a second or third drink on nights I am sure there is little chance of sexual activity, because that makes it easier for me to accept that cuddling will be the extent of the activity for the night.
Don't get me wrong – I am powerfully attracted to the AHF relationship dynamic. I have tasted the happiness it brings me to make my wife the centerpiece of my life. Since starting in with stealth submission, I lost weight (back to high school trim), my wife has become incredibly attractive in my eyes, our sex life in fact has improved dramatically, and I have found it easy and gratifying to convert sexual energy into doing things for my wife. The idea of orgasm management seems very exciting, but I am really afraid that I cannot handle much of it. I am also afraid that my wife's low libido would lead her to not really embrace the trade off of replacing orgasms with a high degree of acknowledged sexuality in the relationship. Losing sleep out of excitement or frustration is a particular concern to me as it affects my job performance in a very challenging job.
Ken, I know you have observed that some men taking this path are highly self analytical – perhaps too much so. I even wonder if being aware of one's submissive feelings goes hand in hand with a high degree of self-analysis. Still, I am very interested in your views on the concerns I raise. I am being careful what I wish for.
Mike in New York
Ken responds…
I am concerned by your letter in that the details I have omitted from the published version and even the ones I have included represent very dangerous paths. Alcohol as an answer to your problems, for example, is a disturbing option given the alternatives that are available to you..
I would highly encourage you to reach out to a local and certified counselor who can help to manage the symptoms of your frustration. However, I would also ask you to reach out to your wife with a more candid review of your feelings. You love this woman, you trust her leadership, and you acknowledge that she is concerned about your best interests. She is apparently uncomfortable with discussions that involve details of your sexuality, but she can and must be willing to deal with these issues if she is to help you.
I think you will find that self managing your orgasms will never represent a satisfying outcome. This facilitates physical denial, but does not enable the emotional intimacy that is brought about when she actively controls your pleasure.
Find the help you need. Your comments regarding self-analysis are brilliant, and you have no doubt concluded on your own that your letter represents a cry for help. You need to be the one to seek that help – not in the form of a answer from a distant website – but from trained professionals and the woman that you love.
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Dear Addison’s,
Let me first thank you for the concise and detailed website that you two maintain. My wife and I also enjoyed the e-book. I enjoy reading the updates mostly, seeing how people progress with this. We are both twenty-six and reside in Australia.
Your site was not the trigger for us in adopting this lifestyle (although I wish I found it earlier). It simply happened. I was disillusioned by the lack of sex in our marriage and seriously entertained the idea of looking elsewhere for intimacy. Thankfully, before going down that road, I realized that although I might “scratch the itch” for a while, it would inevitably lead to destruction. For some unknown reason I decided to pour my love into the marriage from then on – as a trial if you like. I started cleaning, cooking and giving her wonderful massages every night. The bedroom became alive, it was all about her and I loved it. Sex, well I just love it. We’re having less “traditional” intercourse, but enjoying far more other delights, once again, all geared at her pleasure.
From the start, never once did I use the words submissive, dominant or orgasm management. Actions speak louder than words and that’s exactly the approach I took. She is the head of the house, she knows it, I know it. We later had discussions to this effect; however it all began with showering her with selfless acts of service for about a month. Confronting her with this topic out of the blue would have scared the socks off her and would have made me feel like a freak.
On a side note, I am embarrassed when I observe how some grown men behave/project themselves regarding this entire subject. I cringe! Femdom sex stories and the like belittle us and make us men out to be some sort of joke. The sad thing is that they are written for a predominantly male audience. What’s going on? I was raised a gentleman, a man’s man. I would never see myself in the situations depicted on this site. I have a real soft spot though, and that is my wife. I control myself (other than orgasm management), but it is a control exercised in such a way so as to benefit my wife entirely. She makes requests, has desires and also exercises the final say in matters – but she doesn’t control me. She’s living as a queen, enjoying life and making my life richer as well. She, and I, would never go back to how things were!
I know you guys must get inundated with emails – I hope this one finds you.
Many thanks,
Craig
Ken responds…
Craig, your perspective is perfect. You have the right motivations, and the outcome is the proof. While I do not judge men that turn to femdom pornography as a means to satisfy something missing in their lives, I do wish they would pursue more healthy alternatives such as the one we offer on our site.
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Dear Ken,
And the truth shall set you free! I had no idea how good coming to this realization would be. My wife and I have been married for seventeen years and I always tried to uphold the traditional model of a marriage with great resistance from my wife. I stumbled on your site today, and the words that I read lifted a huge weight off of my shoulders. I have struggled with my desire for her to take charge for years.
My wife has encouraged me lately to communicate more about what I want sexually, and until today, I could not come up with the right words to explain it. It is that level of "sexual energy" that I crave. What I see described here is the more spiritual form of physical intimacy that I want. Serving my wife is something that I have begrudgingly moved toward, but not anymore. I plan to commit to her 100% and devote myself to her happiness. She is out of town, and I made a list of chores to finish before she gets back and will plan for the massage that she mentioned and make sure everything is just right.
I am not sure how to approach this with her, but I have a feeling it will be a huge relief to her as well since she has expressed her frustration with the traditional model of submission (wife to husband). She is a strong, intelligent and incredibly beautiful woman. The times that I have been the most aroused by her have been when she had control, knew it and exerted that power over me. Why couldn't I have come to this realization before?
Thank you for being here.
Mark in Tacoma, WA
Ken responds…
I’m glad you happened upon us. Continue the open communication with your wife and make sure she is given all the resources that she needs to better understand how to help you both excel with an AHF relationship.
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Our books and CD’s can be found at www.lulu.com/aroundherfinger/
The cold weather this winter has kept to many of us inside. Proximity breeds romance, but it can sometimes test our patience with those we love. Imagine if the rules in your own relationships were crystal clear, and her words and wishes were always the priority. Would that not turn your cabin fever into properly channeled affection in a hurry?
Enjoy the letters and keep warm!
Emily
As always, our books and CD’s can be found at www.lulu.com/aroundherfinger/Send questions, comments and success stories to Emily (dot) Addison (at) Gmail (dotcom)
Letters from Women
Emily,
My husband approached me last year with your web site and book. I was in the final trimester of a pregnancy and we were really enjoying the final time for me to be pregnant, my different body, and knowing this would be our last pregnancy. I was quite intrigued at his interest and suggestions, but since we already have children and had another on the way, I was not sure how to implement your ideas. He felt very energized, however, as did I, and we went ahead and made a re-commitment to each other using some of your suggestions and adding some things of our own.
We have been married for nearly 15 years and together for nearly 20, and have always had a good sexual relationship, but this added a new dimension to many different areas of our relationship, areas that needed a little help. We had a good couple of weeks prior to the baby and then after about 6 weeks or so, another good couple of months. His focus was on me to a degree that it had not been for a long time and we were really working as a team with our house.
However, I'm writing now because I cannot seem to generate the attention, focus, and energy to be the top dog all of the time. I have two older children a ten year old and now an almost one year old, and I feel like tracking his behavior and coming up with ways for him to serve me or help me has become a chore. Unfortunately, I have let my part slip, and I'm sure he misses the new energy in the relationship, as do I. I'm looking for some help for how to maintain this long-term. I am game for many things in the bedroom (when we can find the time or space!!), but would really appreciate some pointers on keeping on. I think we probably need to re-focus, perhaps with another "inaugural" session of our own, but really want to figure out how to maintain the energy or focus with a household and kids to manage, too.
Perhaps a complicating factor is that, professionally, he is extremely busy and because he is doing a training program, does not have control of his schedule, so is not around all that much. I feel bad telling him to take care of things when he has had minimal sleep and time off.
I appreciate your feedback and any suggestions you may have.
Unsigned
Emily responds…
First and foremost, congratulations on the success of your relationship. It sounds like you had a spectacular marriage before this started, and your openness to these ideas allowed you to expand on your relationship. This is the ideal set of circumstances.
First, it is ok to relax, even if it creates a lull in the intensity for your husband. It is true that th is is about you and him together, but that said, you need to always put your interests first. Reinforcing his submission is a means to a better relationship, but it begins and ends with a happier and more contented wife. The good news is that despite your hectic lifestyles there are some things I think you can do to mix up your relationship.
Begin by putting your pleasure and the denial of his orgasm at the forefront of your plans. Send him an email telling him to go out and purchase you something intimate. Be no more specific than this; allow his creativity to express itself. Ask him to give it to you on an evening the following weekend. Tell him that if you are pleased with the gift, you will allow him an orgasm, if not; he will have to buy another gift.
You now have created a dynamic where until he buys and gives you that gift, he will not be able to stop thinking about it… and more pointedly… about you. You will have accomplished two weeks of sustained and deeply felt affection (in him and for you) with a several sentence email. When the gift comes, have him wrap it and lay it at your feed in the bedroom. Have him kneel before you, but tell him that you want to have him provide oral sex on you for some time before you open the gift. Then, no matter what the gift, tell him you were hoping that his choice had been something “a bit less inhibited”, and that he will have to come back the following week with something more exciting.
This adorable little game then continues for another week.
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Letters from Men
Emily and Ken,
A sincere thank you from another enlightened (and grateful) man. I was raised in a very "traditional" household where the man makes all the decisions, the woman waits on the man, etc., and I would have never even entertained the thought of LFA had I not discovered your site. About six months ago, I purchased your book, read it and gave it to my wife of 11+ years. We have a great marriage by the way- much better than most of our friends' in my opinion- but we had definitely been fighting more than usual the past few years. She read the book and agreed that the concepts presented made a lot of sense, and we had what I call a "honeymoon period" of about two weeks where everything was great inside and outside of the bedroom. Unfortunately she never formalized her role as the head of the household, I wasn't comfortable approaching her again, and the excitement faded. We soon began to drift apart again.
About a month ago, we sat down to talk about what had been wrong lately and I brought up your book and the fact that we had only given LFA a half-hearted attempt. I explained that it had been very difficult for me to share my submissive feelings with her and that I felt somewhat rejected and embarrassed by the fact that she had not reciprocated by formalizing her authority- or at least told me that LFA was not for her. She agreed that we needed to talk and suggested that we go out to dinner in the next few days. Three days later, we did. I denied myself during those three days and was extremely excited to see what the evening would bring. My wife did not disappoint. She is usually a fairly conservative dresser, but emerged from our bedroom that evening wearing a sexy black dress and black leather boots. She looked beautiful, and given our agenda for the evening I was extremely turned on by the outfit.
As we left for the restaurant, I almost felt like we were on our first date again. I rushed to open doors for her and felt genuinely excited to be out with her- needless to say, not a normal state of mind for a husband of 11+ years. We had a very nice dinner, and soon the conversation turned to your book and our relationship. We discussed my submissive desires, how relaxed I felt with her in control, and her occasional frustration with being "just" a housewife and mother- whereas she held a management position when she was working. (She chose to stay at home and is very busy with volunteer activities, but still feels the need to have a so-called real job). The more we talked, the more I felt that LFA was right for us. It would give her a position of control and authority in our relationship that we both seemed to desire. About halfway through dinner, she reached into her purse, pulled out a piece of paper, pushed it across the table and told me to sign
it.
The paper was a written agreement stating that she is now the head of the household, and I will change my behavior to please her. It was a really creative move on her part that I never saw coming, and I found it very exciting. (I actually got an erection while reading it). Needless to say, I signed. Once we returned home, I told her that I felt it was important for me to formally express my submissive status (kind of the flipside of her formally asserting her authority over me). She agreed, and I dropped to my knees. I alternated between holding her hands and rubbing her legs while looking up into her eyes. I told her that I was not taking this decision lightly and truly believed it would be good for us, and that I love her probably more than she even understands. I also told her that I admire her, respect her, and completely trust her. I acknowledged her as the head of our household and the decision maker in our marriage. Finally, I promised to obey her. I then gave her some time to digest what I had said. It was an incredible evening and the memory reinforces my desire to be in submission to her.
I am not naive' enough to think that there won't be any more difficult times- we obviously still have the pressures of life to deal with (work, raising kids, etc.), but I am certain that LFA has been a very positive change for us. I think it has given my wife a renewed sense of self confidence, and I know it has made me a better person. I am much more relaxed and just generally more enjoyable to be around. I handle stress better, my temper seems to be under control, and the temptation to argue with my wife is almost completely gone. Frankly, I am now often the doting husband I always hoped to be. My sex drive is up, my wife looks more beautiful to me than she ever has, and I continue to be excited by her subtle reminders of her authority over me. Given that this has gone on uninterrupted for almost a month, I am convinced that it is genuine and permanent- as opposed to temporary excitement that might result from a new role-playing scenario.
I also routinely kiss or rub her feet (something I always wanted to do but rarely did), and she is clearly more receptive to this behavior than before we adopted LFA. I am hopeful that we will continue to discover together additional methods to reinforce our new roles. I think many men are taught that they must lead in all situations. This can have the effect of making us feel like we have to know everything in order to be a success. Not only is this an unrealistic expectation in any context, it is particularly burdensome in the context of a marriage- where the wife is simply better suited to make most, if not all, decisions. She continues to impress me as I keep my mouth shut and let her drive the boat- her decisions continue to be good ones (and not always what I would have chosen). Not only does she seem intrinsically better suited to make these decisions, she simply knows more about what goes on in our home life. That said, she is not too proud to ask for my input if she feels like it will be valuable. Another example- she has an ability to discipline our children and still have them feel loved- even in the immediate aftermath of the punishment. This is a gift I simply do not have. All of this has been incredibly liberating for me (yes, me). The burden of trying to lead my wife in situations where she should be in control has been lifted.
Thank you.
Sincerely,
Greg T in Texas.
Ken responds…
We have received many thoughtful and well-written success stories in the years that we have been doing running the site and updates page, and this is one of the most spectacular letters we have ever received.
You hit on some key benefits we often fail to reinforce. For example, your temper and your impulse to argue are greatly diminished. LFA gives you a first level filter that says, “she is in charge, and I obey” as opposed to “I agree or disagree”, and you have learned how liberating this can be. You are also so perceptive in highlighting her strengths as a woman and a wife.
You are both incredibly lucky to have each other.
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Dear Emily and Ken:
Emily wrote: " I have mentioned before that bottom kissing is something most women learn to treasure, and for many submissive men it triggers deep a deep sense of their place in the relationship."
In my experience discovering these triggers is a vital part in the success of an AHF relationship. For us, triggers took two forms, both of which established that sense of place for each of us. Incidentally, neither took place in bed or involved orgasm control.
One trigger involved key words. An important cause of our AHF relationship was unacceptable behavior on my part. I was short and brusque too much of the time -- I didn't like it any more than my wife did. She called this behavior "snippy"; as our AHF parameters became established, she warned me against snippy behavior at the slightest deviation from an acceptable attitude. It instantly reestablished the dominant position in her mind – especially since I responded to it instantly by stopping and apologizing. So, this gave the sense of place to both of us.
Also, our morning ritual was essential. Every morning after she dropped the kids at school, she called to tell me that she was on her way home. This was a signal for me to stop what I was doing, prepare her tea, and wait for her at the kitchen table until she returned. I used the time to meditate on the relationship, how wonderful she was, and how much I wanted to serve and please her. It was very centering and -- as Emily writes -- triggered that deep sense of place. Upon returning home, she would sit at the table and drink her tea without even speaking to me at first. This taught me patience. Then she will initiate the conversation and we would speak about whatever might be on our minds. Afterwards, I knelt and kissed her hands until she told me to rise. Then, we went about our day.
While none of this -- the key words or the ritual -- involved any direct sexual contact, they were of course exciting to both of us. But she felt -- and I certainly agree -- that the point was for me to find that sense of place without the stimulus of sexual behavior. Finding that place is a reward in itself, maybe even our goal.
Not that I'm against bottom kissing: That's fun, too!
Unsigned
Ken responds…
This excellent letter is an appropriate reminder that the rituals of reinforcing who is in charge and who obeys do not have to be sexual in nature to be effective.
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Ken:
I really like your website and your approach to this topic. Like most of the men who write to you, I am searching for a positive way to express my sexuality, which includes a life-long desire to give authority to a strong and loving woman.
Also like a lot of the men who write to you, I have tried out some ideas through stealth submission to my wife. For background, she is a beautiful and accomplished woman, smart, and a natural leader with very significant roles in civic affairs at several local, state and national organizations. Her decisions put the best interests of our family first, so, as an intelligent man, I have long deferred to her.
Regarding my implementation of stealth submission, before seeing your website or any others on this, I "invented" the idea that I would stop self-pleasuring. This produced intense loving feelings on my part for my poor unsuspecting wife. She had no idea how strong my sex drive was, and she had not really been unhappy about our (utterly becalmed) sex life. It had a wonderful effect on intimacy – before, she had complained that I would hardly ever touch her, but upon quitting I craved it.
I now have ten months of experience in my experiment, and I have learned some things about myself: If I am sexually interested but going without orgasms for three or four days, I feel much more anxiety, I am easily frustrated and get angry, and I lose a lot of sleep. I really struggle with feelings of rejection by my wife (who loves me, without a doubt, but her libido is decidedly low). At times I have gotten to feeling pretty emotionally unstable, feeling impulses to do reckless and crazy things (quit my job, ask for a divorce). I really have struggled with this. To get it under control, now, when I feel this happening I go ahead and masturbate. It makes me sad because it is not what I want, but it is effective in getting me back to a more stable mental state.
My submission experiment was stealthy, but I did tell my wife about discontinuing masturbation (it never had been a secret, although she preferred not knowing any details). After a few fights about sex she urged me to go back to self-pleasuring a little, to take pressure off of her and in light of the now apparent fact that orgasm was a major stress management tool for me. Eventually I concluded that she was right, reluctantly, because as I said it feels lonely and disappointing to me. I use it as a last resort.
Finally, I find myself having a second or third drink on nights I am sure there is little chance of sexual activity, because that makes it easier for me to accept that cuddling will be the extent of the activity for the night.
Don't get me wrong – I am powerfully attracted to the AHF relationship dynamic. I have tasted the happiness it brings me to make my wife the centerpiece of my life. Since starting in with stealth submission, I lost weight (back to high school trim), my wife has become incredibly attractive in my eyes, our sex life in fact has improved dramatically, and I have found it easy and gratifying to convert sexual energy into doing things for my wife. The idea of orgasm management seems very exciting, but I am really afraid that I cannot handle much of it. I am also afraid that my wife's low libido would lead her to not really embrace the trade off of replacing orgasms with a high degree of acknowledged sexuality in the relationship. Losing sleep out of excitement or frustration is a particular concern to me as it affects my job performance in a very challenging job.
Ken, I know you have observed that some men taking this path are highly self analytical – perhaps too much so. I even wonder if being aware of one's submissive feelings goes hand in hand with a high degree of self-analysis. Still, I am very interested in your views on the concerns I raise. I am being careful what I wish for.
Mike in New York
Ken responds…
I am concerned by your letter in that the details I have omitted from the published version and even the ones I have included represent very dangerous paths. Alcohol as an answer to your problems, for example, is a disturbing option given the alternatives that are available to you..
I would highly encourage you to reach out to a local and certified counselor who can help to manage the symptoms of your frustration. However, I would also ask you to reach out to your wife with a more candid review of your feelings. You love this woman, you trust her leadership, and you acknowledge that she is concerned about your best interests. She is apparently uncomfortable with discussions that involve details of your sexuality, but she can and must be willing to deal with these issues if she is to help you.
I think you will find that self managing your orgasms will never represent a satisfying outcome. This facilitates physical denial, but does not enable the emotional intimacy that is brought about when she actively controls your pleasure.
Find the help you need. Your comments regarding self-analysis are brilliant, and you have no doubt concluded on your own that your letter represents a cry for help. You need to be the one to seek that help – not in the form of a answer from a distant website – but from trained professionals and the woman that you love.
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Dear Addison’s,
Let me first thank you for the concise and detailed website that you two maintain. My wife and I also enjoyed the e-book. I enjoy reading the updates mostly, seeing how people progress with this. We are both twenty-six and reside in Australia.
Your site was not the trigger for us in adopting this lifestyle (although I wish I found it earlier). It simply happened. I was disillusioned by the lack of sex in our marriage and seriously entertained the idea of looking elsewhere for intimacy. Thankfully, before going down that road, I realized that although I might “scratch the itch” for a while, it would inevitably lead to destruction. For some unknown reason I decided to pour my love into the marriage from then on – as a trial if you like. I started cleaning, cooking and giving her wonderful massages every night. The bedroom became alive, it was all about her and I loved it. Sex, well I just love it. We’re having less “traditional” intercourse, but enjoying far more other delights, once again, all geared at her pleasure.
From the start, never once did I use the words submissive, dominant or orgasm management. Actions speak louder than words and that’s exactly the approach I took. She is the head of the house, she knows it, I know it. We later had discussions to this effect; however it all began with showering her with selfless acts of service for about a month. Confronting her with this topic out of the blue would have scared the socks off her and would have made me feel like a freak.
On a side note, I am embarrassed when I observe how some grown men behave/project themselves regarding this entire subject. I cringe! Femdom sex stories and the like belittle us and make us men out to be some sort of joke. The sad thing is that they are written for a predominantly male audience. What’s going on? I was raised a gentleman, a man’s man. I would never see myself in the situations depicted on this site. I have a real soft spot though, and that is my wife. I control myself (other than orgasm management), but it is a control exercised in such a way so as to benefit my wife entirely. She makes requests, has desires and also exercises the final say in matters – but she doesn’t control me. She’s living as a queen, enjoying life and making my life richer as well. She, and I, would never go back to how things were!
I know you guys must get inundated with emails – I hope this one finds you.
Many thanks,
Craig
Ken responds…
Craig, your perspective is perfect. You have the right motivations, and the outcome is the proof. While I do not judge men that turn to femdom pornography as a means to satisfy something missing in their lives, I do wish they would pursue more healthy alternatives such as the one we offer on our site.
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Dear Ken,
And the truth shall set you free! I had no idea how good coming to this realization would be. My wife and I have been married for seventeen years and I always tried to uphold the traditional model of a marriage with great resistance from my wife. I stumbled on your site today, and the words that I read lifted a huge weight off of my shoulders. I have struggled with my desire for her to take charge for years.
My wife has encouraged me lately to communicate more about what I want sexually, and until today, I could not come up with the right words to explain it. It is that level of "sexual energy" that I crave. What I see described here is the more spiritual form of physical intimacy that I want. Serving my wife is something that I have begrudgingly moved toward, but not anymore. I plan to commit to her 100% and devote myself to her happiness. She is out of town, and I made a list of chores to finish before she gets back and will plan for the massage that she mentioned and make sure everything is just right.
I am not sure how to approach this with her, but I have a feeling it will be a huge relief to her as well since she has expressed her frustration with the traditional model of submission (wife to husband). She is a strong, intelligent and incredibly beautiful woman. The times that I have been the most aroused by her have been when she had control, knew it and exerted that power over me. Why couldn't I have come to this realization before?
Thank you for being here.
Mark in Tacoma, WA
Ken responds…
I’m glad you happened upon us. Continue the open communication with your wife and make sure she is given all the resources that she needs to better understand how to help you both excel with an AHF relationship.
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Our books and CD’s can be found at www.lulu.com/aroundherfinger/
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