November/December 2008

Welcome to the November/December Updates

Our apologies for the delay in posting the November update. We have gone ahead and combined November with December into a single update. Things have been a bit crazy around the Addison household, but hopefully things will get back to normal soon enough.

Emily

As always, our books and CD’s can be found at www.lulu.com/aroundherfinger/Send questions, comments and success stories to Emily (dot) Addison (at) Gmail (dotcom)

Letters from Women

Dear Emily,

I recently graduated from college and soon afterwards began dating a man about ten years older than me. He is very attractive, financially very successful, and even though older than me, still very young in the grand scheme of things at the age of thirty-three. After only six weeks of dating I was really falling for him, and he told me that there was something he needed to share. He gave me your book, nicely wrapped, and a card in which he wrote a note including your web address. He said that this the book and web site “greatly interested” him and that I should be aware of this interest before we became any more serious. This was on a Friday night. He asked that I think about it all weekend, and call him on Sunday evening.

I spent the whole weekend reading your book, your website, and every letter on your updates page. I have to tell you that I found myself becoming extremely excited. This is the relationship that I would have chosen for us if I only I even knew that it existed. First of all, I really, really like this guy. Second, for him to open up to me about something so intensely personal, something that makes him so incredibly vulnerable, represented a major break-through in our relationship. The increase in intimacy that you talk so much about had already happened just by virtue of him sharing this with me. Thirdly, I like the idea of being in control. I don’t like arguing. I prefer to get my way. I don’t like housework. It if pleases him to do it for me then why should I do it? Finally, and most surprisingly, this has ignited an incredible sexual fire in me that has not quit burning.

I cannot believe how much his submission has aroused me. There is a certain erotic thrill that comes from just the site of this strong, successful man kneeling in front of me. He obeys me perfectly and he always thinks about my pleasure. His incredible enthusiasm for pleasing me has made me much more comfortable in allowing him to do things for me that are both expressions of his submission and bring me physical pleasure at the same time. We have [experimented with things that I have learned about on other websites] repeatedly. I would never have guessed that I would have enjoyed these things as much as I do, and he enjoys them even more than me.

I will confess that I did go too far and screwed up one night, and perhaps my experience represents a warning to others. I know that you suggest keeping the nature of this relationship just between the two of us, but one night after many drinks, I let it slip to a girlfriend of mine. She and my boyfriend were both over at my apartment (I have since moved in with my boyfriend), when after getting a bit tipsy, I started ordering him around in front of her. He was getting us refills on our drinks, rubbing my feet, and doing all of this with a very respectful and obedient tone like it was obvious he was used to taking orders. She started asking questions, and the more she asked, the more I answered. And I didn’t really just answer, I also provided evidence by [showing her something that I had read about on other websites and then bought off of the web].

Now, despite my politely asking her not to do so, she has also adopted a dominant attitude with my boyfriend. If she comes over, she will start telling him what to do. While he contends that he doesn’t mind, I do. Also, she has started introducing female led relationship ideas to her boyfriend, but I sense already that she will abuse her authority in the relationship, as she is already talking about [doing certain activities] that I believe are motivated more by her selfishness and thrill-seeking than by true affection and a desire for greater intimacy.

I really regret having pulled back the curtains on the very special relationship that I have with my boyfriend. I hope others can learn from my mistake.

Unsigned

Emily responds…

Your warning is important. Some close friends are capable of handling this in a mature manner, but others obviously are not. Therefore, it is best just to keep this to yourselves. I don’t know how close you are to the friend you mention in your letter, but you might want to consider cutting back your ties with this woman. I agree; she sees female authority as an approach to manipulating men for her pleasure with no recognition of the great responsibility that the woman must take on in this sort of relationship.

You, however, seem to be on a much more fruitful path. Best of luck.

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Emily,

I was one of those women that rejected my husband’s gift of submission to me, and now having come around to accept it, I regret having postponed it tremendously.

I was a stay-at-home mother of three who was completely overwhelmed by years of home schooling our children. I admit to having let myself go a bit, and I believed that this was responsible for a sex life that was practically non-existent. When my husband first approached me about your web site about three years ago, I believed it was 100% an attempt to ignite our sex life with kinky role playing. I failed to understand that his desire to submit to me was much more deeply rooted than that. By rejecting his submission, I was rejecting him in a sense.

Also, I felt convinced that my initial reaction was correct because after saying I was not interested, his “stealth” submission ended. While he had always naturally deferred to my judgment and he had always done a lot around the house, he seemed to retreat on both of these fronts. Submission seemed to be the furthest thing from his mind. That’s why when following the last of our children’s move to college, his second appeal to me to consider your ideas was such a surprise. To be honest, I hadn’t even thought about this topic in over a year. However, with less of a hectic schedule and, as an empty nester, sort of a fresh outlook on life in general, I decided to be more open to it.

The second time around I actually read your entire book, having only skimmed the first chapter when he first gave it to me. Now I understand that his submission never went away, the only thing that faded (temporarily) was his hope that I could fulfill his submission with loving female authority. I considered this time that he seemed very serious, and I proposed to test him by telling him that I would be open to trying this under a few conditions. I gave him a number of things I wanted done around the house, some representing major projects and others representing ongoing responsibilities. I told him I expected him to do all of these things and lose twenty pounds. He had also let himself go, and while I had gotten myself back into the gym, he refused to do anything about his own health. Until all of these requests had been satisfied, it would be business as usual around our house.

I gave him these requests sometime around the middle of August. Within two months he had done everything on the list and having gotten himself back to working out and on a very strict diet, had lost the full twenty pounds. I kissed him when he told me, and I told him that the weekend would begin a new phase in our relationship. I told him that I had made dinner plans for Saturday night, but it would be a surprise. When Saturday evening came, I had him dress me in a new outfit that I had bought. Right as he was finishing, the doorbell rang. He asked me who it was, and I told him only to help me into my shoes. Then I told him that my plans involved going out with my girlfriends. His plans involved staying home and readying the house for our little “formalize our roles ceremony” in whatever way he deemed best. When I arrived home, we would we would have our little talk and things would be very different from then on.

You can imagine how much this little ploy excited him. I have to confess that is also excited me. I went out and had a great time with my girlfriends, but I couldn’t stop thinking about him at home getting ready for me. I also knew that coming home just a little tipsy would help with the nerves I had about this. When I opened the front door, I could see that the lights were off in the house, but there was the flicker of candles coming from the bedroom. He had moved a dining room chair into the bedroom and made a path of rose petals leading up to it. At the front of the path was him completely naked with a gift bag on the floor next to him. He first helped me out of my shoes, my dress, and all of the rest of my clothes. Then he handed me the gift bag which contained a very sexy silk robe. I put this on and then walked to the chair. I decided to appear extra dominant, so I grabbed a tuft of his hair and he followed behind me on his hands and knees.

I stood for a moment with my back to him as I considered that the chair, being a dining room chair, might be a bit uncomfortable for the sort of intimacy I was in the mood to experience. To my surprise, his head disappeared below my robe and he took to adoring my posterior in a way that, up until that moment, I had never felt comfortable with before. Perhaps due to the alcohol, or perhaps due to the fact that I now accepted his submission, I allowed him to continue. So this was the scene as I told him that for now and always I expected that he would be obey me, and that he would be my obedient loving husband, and I in turn would adore and nurture him with both love and authority.

Since that night our sex life has become increasingly less inhibited, involving vibrators, [other toys], and always symbolic acts of his humility. I would never have dreamed that this dynamic would have made us so much closer, but Emily, it really has. He is the love of my life and my new openness to his true desire has created something magical for both of us.

Thank you,

Cheryl

Emily responds…

Cheryl, you have made my heart beat faster with your beautiful letter. It is easy to understand estimate how a husband's expression of his humility can reinforce his submissive devotion to you.

Congratulations on the evolution of your relationship.

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Letters from Men

Dear Ken,

I have always felt like I had to hide my submission from my wife. I never felt like I had the words to articulate – forgive me for using this word—a normal explanation of how I felt. After discovering your site, I feel like the weight of the world has been lifted off of my shoulders. I also feel like you have taken my own thoughts and put words behind them that will them seem acceptable and even desirable to my wife.

I am telling her about this site tonight. Cross your fingers.

Unsigned

This letter then came the next day…

Dear Ken,

I showed my wife your site last night. Her first words to me were, “I think it’s sweet, of course I’ll try it.” Orgasm management started last night. I love this! Thank you so much.

Unsigned

Ken responds…

That’s the sort of letter (letters) we love to get. Congratulations!

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Dear Ken,

I just wanted to let you know that your website has opened a whole new door for my marriage. My wife and I have been married for twelve years now, and I have had submissive tendencies all along. I made the mistake of telling my wife about Female Dominance via another [more extreme] book, and she was not open to it at all. It was too “whips and chains” for her. She wanted nothing of that and told me it specifically.

Well that was six years ago, and of course as any man can tell, you that these feelings don't go away. My wife was totally unwilling to try it up until last month, she decided that compromise could be reached and she would give it a try. I showed her your website and she read it all. Since the beginning of October she has been different but in a good way, she has taken to the idea of giving me task lists. I am not saying anything to put any sort of expectations or pressure on her, but I do anything she asks. She knows I will, and I truly respect her and trust her. The other day she told me to take off my clothes and go down to the drugstore for her, are you serious I asked? She just laughed and said I know you would if I told you to. Just her teasing like that with her gentle jabs at her power over me is intoxicating for me as someone who has always been trying to live a FLR.

She notices that my submissiveness goes away for 5-10 minutes after I orgasm, and I think she is going to use this to her advantage in the future. I do not masturbate at all any more (even though every time I did before was to sites featuring female authority). Since she has opened her mind to even the idea of a FLR we have been closer than ever in our marriage. She always knew something was strained between us and she even thought I could have been having an affair, but once she saw your website she saw that so many of your female readers felt the same way about their husbands submissive natures, and after your website my wife has been so open to listening to me. I tell her everything.

Thanks for your website,

C in CA

Ken responds…

Female authority comes with many pre-conceived notions, so many women will be skeptical when their husbands approach them about an Around Her Finger relationship. The first site you showed your wife is a wonderful site run by a woman who is incredibly knowledgeable on this topic and has the best interests of her community in mind. While Emily and I do not agree with everything she says, we admire her tremendously. However, even she concedes that her site is not the right resource to introduce women to these concepts. I am glad that our own site worked out for you.

Incidentally, Emily is often asked if she knows Ms. Sutton. She does not. Once, long ago, she sent her an email, but perhaps it was lost in the mix of the many emails that I am sure she receives each month, and a reply never came. Perhaps they will connect one day and share ideas.

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Our books and CD’s can be found at www.lulu.com/aroundherfinger/

November Updates Delayed

My sincere apologies for the delay in posting the November updates. I promise I will get to it as soon as possible. Thank you for your patience.

Ken