July 2007

Welcome to the July Updates

Welcome to the July updates. Ken and I are getting ready to head to the beach for the 4th of July holiday. We hope that all of our American readers are looking forward to spending a little time off this week as well. To our growing community of European (and other international) readers, we hope you also make the best of whatever time you are taking off this summer to enjoy each others’ company and grow closer in your relationships.

As always, I encourage you to email me at (coded to avoid email bots):

Emily Dot Addison At Gmail Dot Com

Our books and CD’s are available at Lulu: http://www.lulu.com/aroundherfinger


Letters from Women


Dear Emily,

Some wives wear sexy lingerie to add a little spice to their marriage. While I was interested in adding a little spice to my own marriage, it turned out that telling my husband that I expected him to obey me worked just a little better than the lingerie! My only regret was that after he gave me your book it took me a full three months before I got around to reading it. I wish I could get those three months back.

I am amazed at how he responds when I [exercise authority over him]. It has such a powerful effect on him that I know the weight of his keeping this secret from me must have been all but unbearable. Around Her Finger gave us a chance to test how much we trust each other, our openness to understanding each the other’s feelings, and our willingness to explore new things to make the other happy.

I feel very lucky that your book and site were there to guide the way to what is now a stronger more loving marriage than ever before.

Ann in Philadelphia

Emily responds…

You only lost three months. Some couples lose a lifetime because the husband never musters the courage to come forward as your husband did. I am very happy for both of you.

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Dear Emily,

Please accept the gratitude of one more woman who now has a stronger, healthier marriage thanks to your site. The promises of a closer overall relationship have all been met and exceeded by the methods in your book.

I hope it is not too much for your letters section if I tell you that one of the unexpected consequences of loving female authority is that I feel I have opened up and become a less inhibited lover. I am willing to try new things, many of which I have discovered I really enjoy. I think this has come in large part because I feel free to focus on my physical pleasure and no longer feel that I need to hurry up and focus on returning the favor. I now understand how my own sexual gratification and my frequent withholding of his physical satisfaction really does bring him a very different kind of pleasure than our old sex life afforded him. For him, it is not just the quick physical pleasure of an orgasm; it is a mental and emotional state of well-being that can last for days.

Part of my new uninhibited nature is that husband now buys me new “toys” on a regular basis. Now as we sit together in the evenings watching TV, I’ll often ask him to go bring out something from the toy box. I have him strip naked to use the toys on me, but he knows that I’ll be the only one having an orgasm. Afterwards, he cleans me up with a warm towel and cuddles, still naked, next to me on the couch. I will stroke him very slowly and kiss him on his neck and ears to extend the intensity and duration of his “orgasm management”. It is the days following these toy sessions that he is the most doting and affectionate husband on the planet. I reward him by having him go down on me or letting him spend long hours [kissing my bottom], something he enjoys, oddly enough, above just about anything else. Depending on my mood, I typically follow this with a chance for him to have an orgasm of his own, but not always. I like to keep him guessing. It’s all so much fun!

Again, I hope I haven’t overstepped the boundaries of language for your letters section. I just thought that our experience might be of interest.

Unsigned

Emily responds…

A little careful pruning and I think your letter was not at all too much for the website. In fact, I enjoyed your letter very much. I really appreciate when wives write specific details of the steps they take to manage orgasms.

Your toys are wonderful for many reasons. One, it is nice to send your husband to do a little shopping on your behalf. Also, they reinforce to your husband that your physical pleasure can be achieved independent of his own.

Incidentally, your husband’s fascination with bottom kissing (my edit), is extremely common in submissive men. Most women learn to love the attention.

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Dear Emily,

If I “manage” my husband’s orgasm, it seems that it only really has an impact on his behavior for about a day or two at the most. This isn’t working. Any suggestions?

Unsigned

Emily responds…

Readers should know that we have exchanged a number of emails following the one published above. I then followed this up with a conversation with you and your husband separately, and then one together. Your problem has two basic origins.

The first is your behavior following your periods of intimacy with your husband in which you would subsequently not permit him to have his own orgasm. I think you would agree that you would like this to happen about once a week, and then put the whole dynamic on autopilot thereafter. However, the hours and days that followed your intimacy did not see you taking proactive steps to intensify and prolong his arousal. You need to use verbal cues that reinforce your position of authority, teasing kisses, and gentle stroking of his own intimate regions to keep his brain chemistry coasting at the same peak levels that follow the initial episode. I think you were comfortable enough with the wife-led marriage dynamic to say “stop before you climax”, but not comfortable enough to continue nursing it with ongoing and repeated flexing of your sexuality. Be bold, and his submissive nature will do most of the work for you.

Secondly, however, is that your husband was being a bit manipulative.

I should point out, and not for the first time, that some have accused this entire dynamic of being based on male manipulation. In a very small sense I would concede this. However, this is ultimately a very symbiotic relationship in which both parties get what they want. The wife gets a closer, more intimate relationship with her husband and a household more responsive to her needs. The husband seeks a greater level of sexuality in the relationship and an opportunity to express his adoration for his wife through submitting to her authority. She very likely would not have sought out a relationship like this on her own, so in bringing a desire for this relationship forward and in asking that she be active in the dynamic, I suppose the husband could be accused of being manipulative. However, the husband enters into the relationship with the understanding that she will continue to overtly express her role in the relationship. He knows that submitting without her participation (ongoing expressions of her authority and management of his orgasms) will not work for him. It is the wife’s continuing requirement to live up to these responsibilities that some would call manipulative. I would just call it an open and honest discussion of his feelings, but I will leave judgment up to the reader.

You husband, however, was going a step further. Following the fact that you as the wife were not providing adequate expressions of your sexuality and authority, he should have simply spoken to you about his concerns. He, however, reacted by being grouchy and difficult when he was not getting what he needed. This is typical, but not acceptable.

Fortunately, all can be easily remedied by your playing a more active role in the dynamic. Also, as we discussed on the telephone, there are some more passive actions that you can take to prolong his submissive energy. They are a bit outside of the scope of what we typically discuss in this forum, but I think you agreed that you are ready to take these steps in your relationship.

Best of luck and please keep in touch.

Letters from Men

The following letter is a follow up from a reader that posted last month:

Dear Ken,

Well I did it.

I've been practicing stealth submission for two months now, and on Sunday night after our guests left, I found enough courage (cocktails) to give her your book. I don't think that she has read it yet, but she has been taking the remote and this morning told me to "fetch" a Diet Pepsi out of the garage for her.

I feel liberated!

I had been so apprehensive to bring up the subject or to give her your book, but now I think that she will really embrace the idea! In fact I think that it may be what she wants too. The first time that I hinted about this to my wife was over ten years ago, but we never had the conversation. I wish I had had your book and your website back then; we would have had a lot less arguments and a better marriage.

Thank you for everything you do.

Mark

Ken responds…

Great news! Let me give you one caution, however. Do not expect things to move too quickly. Be prepared to let things take their normal course at a pace that is comfortable for her. Remember that just because you have been thinking about this your entire life, the ideas are brand new to your wife.

It is very likely that you will be taking three steps forward and two steps back for a long time. Be absolutely certain to give her the space she needs to feel comfortable with the changes, but also be resolute in your service, devotion and obedience. Above all else communicate. If two weeks of stepping backwards take place, follow this up with a conversation. Make it sincere, discuss topics other than just your submission, and end it with an acknowledgement that her pace and her comfort are your primary concerns.

Over time, she will continue to grow comfortable in her position of loving authority over you.

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Dear Ken,

I had read your site a month or so ago, but was re-reading again last night, and I somewhat laughed at some of the information.

It is like we men in this situation follow this “unwritten” template on trying to approach our spouses about this. I did write a note to my spouse about our relationship (married 15 years, 2 kids 12 and 13 years old) and maybe we need to change it up. She did read it and did not get mad at me about it, but she did say that she did not really agree with some of it. She also said that it sounded like a lot of work.

During this same time, I stepped up my attention towards her, things I do for her, and things around the house. She even commented how nice it was a few days into it, but I do not think she has been able to make that connection on how that type behavior, or lifestyle as she called it, can be achieved with not that much more effort. I think it is more a changing of roles, and maybe it is a lot more effort. I also think the term lifestyle has a negative connotation, associated with a more over the top element of female authority, which is not where either one of us want to go.

But like I was saying, I found myself taking a similar path to some of the experiences that you shared. So I think my next step will be to point my wife to your site and see what happens. It is somewhat of a fine line of how much to push and when to do that, as I do not want to turn her off. When and if my wife changes her mind, I know that she relies on what she reads a lot. I can tell her the same thing that she might read, but if she reads it, then it means much more to her.
Your site does a great job of explaining things to a couple involved in a normal everyday relationship and marriage and helps explain the way a man might ask or express these feelings. I have always felt that I was an OK communicator, but I definitely fail in areas like this. I think it is that fear of rejection or the feeling of possible embarrassment that I might feel if my wife not only rejects the notion, but somehow later thinks I am a little “off.”

Sorry that I rambled on here, but I am not sure that you have seen this type email before.

Thanks for reading,

Pat

Ken responds…

Pat, this is a wonderful letter. I think it is also funny how so many husbands sit around and agonize over the same difficult notions of how to deal with their submissive nature. Hopefully this site affords those individuals a sense of community, so at least we all realize that we are not alone. It is particularly good to know that others share our fear of rejection and, as you say, our fear that we will be considered a little “off”.

I feel very confident that everything will work out for you and your wife. The other thing about this community is that we share not only our anxieties, but also our successes. Soon you will join the growing group of men for whom their anxiety is in the past, and their service to their wives is in the future.

Finally, Emily and I also reject the “lifestyle” terminology. This is not a lifestyle; it is merely one component of a healthy relationship.

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Dear Ken,

I have been going back and forth on whether or not to buy my wife your book for a long time. Finally, I went ahead and bought the book (Around Her Finger). My biggest surprise was how different it was from the site. I don’t mean this in a bad way. What I mean is that the same ideas from the site are presented in the context of the fictional story, and it all comes together so brilliantly that by the end, it would be hard for any woman not to be genuinely excited about trying this out.

I’m giving her the book this weekend. Hopefully my next letter is a success story.

Matt in Richmond, VA

Ken responds…

I am very confident that it will. Thank you for the kind words about the book. Our books and CD’s are available at Lulu: http://www.lulu.com/aroundherfinger