May 2007

Letters from Women


Dear Emily,

I was married three months ago. At a bridal shower, my mother bought me The New Bride’s Guide to Training Her Husband as part of a basket of small gifts. I thought it was a joke and thought nothing of it. I never read the book, but when my mother asked me what I thought of it, I decided to give it a read. Wow… was I surprised.

My mother had divorced my father and remarried after I graduated from college, so I do not really know her new husband very well. What I do know of him is that he treats her like an angel and seems to worship the ground she walks on. I asked her if this was the secret behind her marriage. She just winked and suggested I try it.

I am so nervous. I love the ideas in the book, but I hesitate to tell my new husband. What do you think?

Unsigned

Emily responds…

Mother knows best. Of course I think you should try it. He will adore you for it. Explain to him that you want to play a game. For two weeks, you want to make the call as to whether or not he has an orgasm. During those two weeks, introduce him to loving female authority as described in the Boot Camp section of the book. At the end of those two weeks, have an open and candid discussion about wife-led marriages and male submission. He will never want to go back to shared authority again.

Let me know what happens.

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Dear Emily,

I would like to thank you for your site. I wonder if you can give me some advice to help me stop my husband’s masturbation. Some foolproof advice would be ideal.

Thanks,

Sue

Emily responds…

I have been getting requests for advice on this topic since almost the beginning of our letters section. As we advocate that a wife must manage her husband’s orgasms, it is only natural that that she be concerned about his willingness to follow her directives and not sneak off to manage an orgasm or two of his own. The physiological impact of intimacy without male climax is key to the success of the wife-led marriage, so discipline in this process is critical.

I wish I knew more about your situation. For example, did you catch your husband in the act? If so, have you had a candid conversation about the consequences of such improprieties? Given that the answers to this question are an unknown to me, let me, let me just give you some general advice on the topic.

I believe that since it the husband who typically desires and initiates the wife-led dynamic in the relationship, it is the husband’s prerogative to follow his wife’s lead and maintain the schedule of orgasms that she sets forth. However, men are weak-willed creatures, and a man who finds himself in the sexually-charged state of orgasm management will find it extremely difficult to muster his self-discipline and avoid moments of self-pleasure.

For this reason, women should be proactive. They should let their husbands know that they understand that they will be tempted to masturbate. They should explain, however, that it is in both the wife and her husband’s best interest that the wife remain in control of her husband’s sexual energy, and as such, sneaking off to masturbate is absolutely not acceptable. She should tell her husband that when he feels his sexual frustration building, he should feel free to discuss this with her. This does not mean that the wife will grant release, but it does mean that they will be on the same page as to the impact her control has over him. Bringing this into the open is a very good thing. She should then use her best judgment as to how to proceed.

Wives should be careful not to respond too quickly to their husband’s strong desire for release. Many if not most men, for example, will want to orgasm with every bit of their physical being after the very first moment of being actively managed. This physical frustration, however, will lead to a heightened state of emotional and spiritual awareness if it is coupled with continued intimacy and clear expectations. Maintaining these peaks is the art of loving female authority.

If a wife does catch her husband masturbating then additional measures are in order. In part, this involves an extended period where he is deprived of sexual release where there can be question as to his compliance with her wishes. I would be happy to discuss these measures if you will email me directly at this address which has been disguised to prevent email bots from picking it up: emily dot Addison at Gmail.com.

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Dear Emily,

I travel on business once or twice a month. I recently asked my husband if he ever masturbates when he is home without me. He responded by saying that he occasionally does, but never allows it to progress to the point where he has an orgasm.

Should I believe him? Should I allow this to continue? If this answer is no, how can I stop it?

Unsigned

Emily responds…

Your letter is clearly related to the one I just answered, but with an interesting twist.

Ken and I discussed this, and yes, we do believe your husband. Ken tells me that other men have written and described how a great deal of pleasure can be taken by stimulating themselves short of climax. As they describe it, it makes them very aware of their sexuality.

Should you allow this to continue? I don’t think so. I can assure you that Ken is not allowed to participate in this activity. By the time you read this, you should already have received an email from me detailing my recommendation for stopping it.


Letters from Men

Dear Emily and Ken,

As far as I know, no other source of information and encouragement treats the topic of female-led relationships with such respect and dignity. I do not visit pornographic websites, having learned years ago (the hard way) how much this hurts my wife. Your advice and the letters from obviously intelligent people provide hope and inspiration for myself and others that feel it is high time to stop feeling guilty or ashamed of having such deeply-rooted needs. By removing explicitly sexual material you elevate discourse and restore validity to those needs. So thanks for all of your good work. It is appreciated.

I am now more deeply in love with my wife than ever before. She's an amazing human being; very giving, very loving and good to her core. And although we're a lot older than when we dated, she's more beautiful now...confident and at peace with who she is, sure of herself, and happy in life. She's simply awesome. My desire to place her at the center of my life feels natural because I adore her. I'm lucky to have a partner open to discussion of my fantasies, although she seemingly cannot discuss her own with me (I've tried, believe me). I've discussed my fantasies, but probably very clumsily...and she really does not understand the nature or depth of my feelings. I think she cannot dispel cartoon-like images of leather-clad women, and she is put off by that. In fact, as I've tried to explain, that isn't what I want either.

Inspired by your site, I've been emboldened this past month. If this campaign doesn't work, nothing will...but I'm more hopeful now than ever. I've gone over the top with massages, sometimes on the couch, sometimes when we crawl into bed, sometimes in the middle of the night when I find her awake. She's always loved my massages, but not as much as I love giving them. I've emphasized a need for more intimacy, not more sex. And I've really stepped up my effort to talk with her and get involved with her worries...which sounds silly as I write (shouldn't I have always been doing this?). Finally, I've cut deeply into what has usually (and unfairly) been her housework...I do as much laundry as I can, cook a lot of meals, do a lot of the grocery shopping, and on weekends look for projects to take on around the house (no more TV sports).

In fact, my energy level has gone through the roof, which is benefit enough. And she appreciates my efforts. But of course something huge is missing, and your oft-given advice has clarified this. I need her to acknowledge and encourage my desire to please her; to take an active role in cultivating that need. It's early yet, but that isn't happening at all, and I fear that sooner or later I'll throw in the towel and we'll revert to the status quo.

I know you call this "stealth submission"...but in my case there is a wrinkle. I was bold enough to tell her that I want to please her and that just as importantly I need her to acknowledge her place at the center of my life. I've told her that I crave the "energy" that comes with this, and that I feel it will translate into increased intimacy and a closer bond between us. It may be that I told her too soon. In some sense I'm relieved to have gotten this off my chest, but the truth is she thinks I'm from Mars.

Her preconceptions about my fantasies may prevent her from grasping the bigger picture and seeing that I'm really expressing love for her. She recognizes there's a sexual component to all of this - a component she's nervous and uncomfortable with. Moreover, she's worried that I'll seek satisfaction elsewhere if she doesn't satisfy my needs. I don't want that to be her motivation. And she's wrong about any possibility of my seeking relief elsewhere. Still, I know where she's coming from. Also, this has been sprung on her unexpectedly, so I need to be understanding. Still, I'm discouraged by early signs that she isn't interested in any of these ideas.

I now plan to get your book "Around Her Finger" and read it before I give it to her. Unfortunately, any accepted payment method I use will tip off my wife who fastidiously monitors our finances (to her credit). I don't want to have this conversation with her before I think we're both ready. A local bookstore wouldn't order it on my behalf, either. I'll figure something out, of course. On a lark, I'd be happy to send you a money order (Lulu doesn't accept them), in exchange for the electronic form of the book. I understand if you can't do this. I'll buy my wife the hard copy if and when we're ready. In the meantime, I need to find a way to break through and help her to truly understand me. I can accept her rejection of these ideas if she really understands me, but at least I've got to try.

Again, thanks so much for being a soft voice of reason.

Unsigned in Ohio

Ken responds…

Yours is one of the most thoughtful and well-written letters we have ever received. Your wife is indeed lucky to have you as a husband as you are clearly lucky to have her as a wife.

I was tempted to just send you an electronic or physical copy of the book, but I don’t think I am going to let you off the hook. I hope you will tell your wife that there is a book you would like to order her, and allow for the possibility that she will discover our site before the book even arrives. She is entitled to know about your interest in the book, the site, and even the details of this wonderful letter.

Please let me know when you have ordered the book. Emily is, of course, at her disposal to answer any questions she may have after reading it.