April 2007

Letters from Women

Emily,

Last night, after I had my husband orally satisfy me, I put my nightgown back on and had him curl up next to me in bed. We talked for some time about what had been going on in our lives. I had been especially busy at work and had not had our usually long talks after sex. Lately I had been guilty of having him satisfy me then fairly quickly turning over and just as quickly falling asleep. Last nigh t was different. I praised him for the change in dinner menus he had instituted; changes I insisted upon as I slim down a bit. I also complimented him on the way he had been keeping up the house. I had allowed him to purchase several pieces of furniture for our family room on his own, and I told him how much I approved of his decisions.

You would have thought he had just been awarded the Nobel Prize. He cuddled up to me telling me how much he loved serving me and how delighted he was I was satisfied with him. I took the opportunity to touch his penis several times as he spoke, but not allowing him to release. Before we drifted off to sleep I also told him how pleased I was with his obvious arousal as he satisfied me, and as I complimented him I told him it was very important he be aroused as he served me. He cuddled even closer telling me how much he loved me and how he longed to serve me forever.

What a wonderful husband!

Unsigned in Tennessee

Emily responds…

What a wonderful letter! It sounds like your female-led marriage is working out for both of you.

Your letter reinforces a point that we have made here in recent months. To make this dynamic work you absolutely have to create sexual arousal in your husband and then openly acknowledge it. As we say in the book, sexual arousal is one physical need that human beings seek out for its own sake. We eat if we are hungry, we sleep if we are tired, but we do not desire to be hungry or desire to be tired for their own sake. However, if men go for extended periods without the sense of sexual arousal, they will seek remedies to that deficiency. Witness Viagra.

In an Around Her Finger marriage, he gives his service and obedience in return for a greater level of sexual energy in the relationship. You are expertly honoring your commitment to your husband and you are both ecstatic as a result.

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Dear Emily,

I sometimes think I may be too demanding of my husband, treating him at times as if he were my maid instead of my loving, obedient husband (and the man of my dreams). However, my assertive, demanding style seems to energize our relationship. I can always tell from my husband's cutesy demeanor that he is seeking a scolding or a firm talking to about my unquestioned authority in our home. Once I assert myself verbally, he is sure to perk up and regain his eagerness to please me.

My Best to you and Ken,

Paula

Emily responds…

Thank you for this observation. Your husband craves your authority. Continue to bless him with it, and he will continue to bless you with his submission.

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Emily,

I need your advice.

During our morning jogs recently, my neighbor and I have been talking about orgasm management for our husbands. Cindy is growing very intrigued with the idea of female led marriages.My neighbor loves my husband cooking (he has become an excellent cook) and his house cleaning skills. I have told her that when I first assumed the role of the head-of-the-house, He and I decided to share the cooking and the housework but before long, he had with my consent, eagerly assumed the role of the primary cook and housekeeper. I also told Cindy that in the bedroom, my achieving an orgasm was his first priority - always - and he only had an orgasm when I decided to allow it. I told her that when I first began managing his orgasms, I would allow him release after I had reached orgasms two or three times, but over time, I now allow him an orgasm only after I have had six or seven (or more) orgasms; usually over a ten day to two week time span.

I was curious if this seems consistent with what other women have told you about their management techniques. I suspect there is no right or wrong answer but I did tell Cindy I would follow-up and let her know what the "expert" says.

Hope you are well!

Unsigned

Emily responds…

We have always been careful when providing advice around this topic, to avoid specific time periods and allow a couple to determine what works best for them. If a wife employs no orgasm management, then certainly the dynamic is unlikely to work. If the wife allows too much time between orgasms, then it is equally likely to fail as his submissive eagerness begins to ferment into a grumpy disposition.

I love it when we get specific success stories around what works for a particular couple. I suggest your friend use your successful schedule with her own husband and adjust accordingly if it is not working for her. However, do not be afraid to try and stretch out the time between orgasms little by little to explore and expand limits.

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Letters from Men


Dear Ken,

A year ago, and long before I had ever heard of your book or website, I met a woman that has unquestionably changed my life. I will never forget the first time that we were intimate. I remember her pushing me down to give her oral sex, and when we finally began intercourse, right in the middle of sex, she looked at me and told me I needed to understand and accept that our relationship would work better if she decided if and when I got to have an orgasm. She told me to tell her when I started getting close and to not only pull out immediately, but pull out and make certain I didn’t [have an orgasm]. She also insisted on my solemn pledge that I did not masturbate myself to orgasm without her permission if she was not present.

We dated for about seven months, and I probably only had three orgasms in that time. That was about five months ago. One day she told me that was interested in seeing other people and that was the end of it.

That’s why I was incredibly surprised when I stumbled onto the fact that there are a growing number of women that routinely withhold orgasms from their partners. I found your website when I did a search on the topic on my own initiative. The idealism of the relationships that you describe on your own site is so close to my own experience, that I suspect that she was familiar with your writing. However, she never said a word about this.

In my own case, her [management of my orgasms] was the beginning to unlocking parts of me that I did not know existed. She uncovered emotional vulnerabilities that allowed her to become close to me in ways that other women never had. Furthermore, the sense of surrender that I began to feel to her authority in my life became incredibly therapeutic. I did not even realize it was happening, it just began to evolve. When other letter writers have talked about the peace of mind that they experience when they are completely submissive to a woman, I know exactly what they mean.

I write you now because she called me only one week ago and asked if I would consider returning to a relationship with her on her terms and with no conditions. I prefer not to explain all the details of this, but I hope you will understand if I tell you that this includes complete obedience on my part and complete freedom on hers. While I felt a definite sense of unspoken submission to her in the past, this would be a new level entirely.

If this makes any sense at all, I hope you will comment.

Unsigned

Ken responds…

It is impossible for me to understand the dynamics of your particular relationship from only the short letter that you have written. With this understanding, please take my comments as the very general advice for which they are intended.

Once a woman uncovers a man’s submissive nature, and begins to tap into it for the emotional and spiritual energy that it can create between them, it is unlikely that he will ever be as fulfilled by a conventional relationship. The fear that a man has when surrendering completely to the loving female authority of any woman is very real, but the time you have spent apart from her has also made you aware of the consequences of living without that authority in your life.

If you believe she will take the relationship in directions that make you uncomfortable, then you need to weigh your options. Can you find another woman that inspires the same sense of self-actualizing through submission that she has inspired in you? If not, it seems that the woman of your dreams is offering a chance to return to a very satisfying relationship. You should at least consider it.

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Ken,

I bought your book just before V-day 2006. I have a habit of giving my wife multiple gifts at such occasions. I gave her the regular gifts early and emailed her a copy of your book later as one of my "sexy" gifts. I wrote her a note saying I had read the book, that I agreed with the majority of what it says and that I thought it might be interesting to try. I didn't get any response from her.

Now I'm thinking of printing a copy and handing it directly to her and asking that she read it or if she has already done so to revisit it. While I know the idea is to make things about her it goes without saying that for it to work I have to see the value in it, to get something in return. I can't say that I am submissive by nature. But I'm not overly aggressive either. Most of the time I go out of my way to do things how she would like as I've always felt it's my job to keep her happy.

We've been in a rut for several years now. It happens to most couples. Two kids and a house (not to mention taking care of me) keep her too busy to think about herself. I'm busy also, but I can't help but think about the old days and how we could just talk and hold each other or kiss for what seemed like hours. I want to change this. I'm not looking to take anything away from the kids, but to add some enjoyment to my wife's life. I'd like to see her as happy and a bit more carefree.

As I said earlier, I've bought your book and I read it a few times. I agree with the concept. I would happily move our relationship in this direction if the result was more intimacy.

One problem I see is that my wife simply refuses to discuss any of her fantasies. She states she has none. She is very straight laced and just won't let her hair down. Is there hope that this can work? What do you think is the best way to introduce this concept to her?

Thanks,

Unsigned

Ken responds…

First, I do not accept your premise that you are not submissive. I happen to believe that most men are submissive and grow into an acknowledgement of that fact, so I am admittedly biased. Your letter, however, convinces me of your submission beyond even the ideas I have about men in general. In any event, this is beside the point.

My advice to you is incredibly simple. I suggest you forward to your wife the letter that you wrote to me. I suspect that you had a much easier time communicating with me anonymously over the internet than you do in communicating directly with your wife. In this, you are certainly not alone amongst men. Your letter to me is heartfelt, articulate, and full of good intentions. Your wife deserves to read it.