April 2006

Letters from Women

Dear Emily,

About six months ago, my husband began dropping hints that he would be interested in my taking a more active leadership role in our marriage. Looking back, it is obvious that he was taking cues from your site. It started with foot rubs, back rubs, a great deal more responsibility for work around the house, and lovemaking that was definately more concerned with my satisfaction than his. Because all of these behaviors happened so suddenly, I knew something was up. I tried to talk to him about it, but he is not a man used to communicating on an emotional level, so I never was able to figure out what was happening. Then came the chaos of the holiday season, and things seemed to go back to normal again without any explanation.

Then, early in February, I was going running. I could not find my MP3 player and grabbed my husband's instead. I was fliping through his song list when I discovered something unfamiliar. It turned out to be your confessional CD. I listened to the entire recording. I later learned that he had only recently purchased it and loaded it into his MP3 players so he could preview it before giving it to me for Valentines day. I said nothing about it to him, but I did spend the next several days surfing your website and learning all that I could about this side of him that I never knew existed and only scarcely understood.

I had no intention of saying anything to him about what I had discovered. I was going to let him make the next move. At the time, I did not know what his plans for the CD were. When he gave me the CD in a card on Valentine's day, I pretended that I had no idea what it was. It was unmarked, and he offered no explanation other than to say that it was something he had been thinking about for a long time. He told me to listen to it sometime when I was alone and could be uninterupted. I asked him to load it onto my MP3 player, and I pretended that I would be hearing it for the first time when I went running the following day.

When he came home from work the following evening, I gave him a card of my own. In it I wrote some instructions. I told him I would be going out of the house but would return by 7:00. I wanted him to have a bath ready for me when I got home. I told him to light candles and have soft music playing. I told him that when I was finished with my bath, I would call for him. When he came to me, I expected him to be bring me a towel and a glass of white wine. I also expected him to be naked.

All went as planned. I returned home and the bath was waiting for me. After a very relaxing soak, I called for my husband. He entered the bathroom unclothed and knelt beside the bath. He helped me out and raised him arms to wrap the towel around me. I draped the towel over my shoulders and placed my hands on my husband's head. I brought him close to my mid-section, still holding him against me. Just as you suggested, I told him that I understood him, I welcomed the changes he wanted to make, but I would take them very seriously. He would be expected to obey me, and this was not a part-time proposition.

In the short time since we have been practicing your methods, our lives have been wonderful. We have never been happier, and honestly, we were already pretty happy. What impresses me the most about the concepts expressed and very much emphasized on your CD is the notion that his desire to submit to me is a function of his inability to express his love to me in any other way. Submission as a pure and uninhibited expression of love and devotion is an incredibly romantic concept. So while I have to admit that I first thought the whole idea was a little strange, the CD helped me get over this initial reaction and really warm to the idea of loving female authority.

I guess I don't really have a question, but I thank you for your site. Please feel free to use me as a reference if a confused wife should need a shoulder to lean on.

Suzanne in North Carolina

Emily responds...

We will take all the success stories we can get. Congratulations and please keep in touch to let us know how things progress.

-----

Dear Emily,

Can you confirm something for me? I have been getting emails that appear to be random spam emails advertising your site. I am suspicious that they are not spam, but are rather put together specifically for me by my husband. I am suspicious for two reasons. First, they are from an email address which ends in @yahoo.com. I would not think that you would use a Yahoo address for a spam campaign. Secondly, I know for a fact that my husband has visited your site because I have seen it in the history files of our computer (I checked after getting the emails). So are these emails from my husband or from you?

Unsigned

Emily responds...

I cannot say for certain that they are from your husband, but they are definately not from us. We have never sent out email solicitations of any kind. I suggest you forward the emails to your husband and ask him what he thinks about the site? This will give him an opportunity to come clean about how he really feels about loving female authority. Understand that it is extremely difficult for a man to share this part of himself with his wife. While it would be great if all men could be open about their desires, many instead choose to play games such as the one that your husband appears to be playing with you. That does not change the fact that his motives are driven by what appears to be a sincere desire to serve you.

Letters from Men

I guess I am like many people that write to your site in that I have been very aware of my desire to submit to women for a very long time. Where I seem to be different is that I do not really know that I want to do all the housework, surrender the remote control, let her make the decisions, etc. I really am just interested in the sexual roleplaying associated with being submissive. Do you have any suggestions as to how I might bring this up to my wife of eight years in some non-threatening way?

Unsigned

Ken responds...

I started to just dismiss your letter. My thinking was that while you are certainly welcome to pursue whatever course you want with your wife, your goals and that of this site simply are inconsistent. We want to help those that are genuinely interested in wife-led marriages, and we leave the rest of you to your own devices. However, I am posting your letter in the hopes that you will reconsider what you really want.

Do you honestly think that occasional sexual role-playing will ever satisfy you? If you have the same self-awareness of your submission that I share with so many men that write to me at this site, you will never be truly happy until you surrender to your wife. I am sending you an electronic copy of our book. I encourage you to read it with an open mind. Suggest to your wife that you try the Boot Camp trial period that we discuss in the book. Afterwards, write me and tell me that you can honestly say that the moment at which she acknowledges her leadership role, and that she expects you to obey her wishes, is not a life-changing experience. I doubt that you will tell me that the joy in being willfully denied sexual gratification as a means of enforcing your submission is not infinitely more satisfying than mere role-playing.

I am very hopeful that I will hear from you again soon.

---

Dear Emily and Ken:

This is a follow-up email from last month. As a month has passed and my path is more clear, I wanted to send this one other message. I know you don't answer men's emails, but I wanted to send this note of thanks.

I have the confessional CD (intimate version) and AHF book (actually my lovely wife has had them both for a couple months) and I have been faithfully reading the letters update page. My question before had involved how to undo the clumsy introduction to my wife of my interest in this kind of new dynamic in our marriage. I had hoped an answer might appear in the March blog, but realize space is tight. I think I have my answer in any case.

Since I last wrote I have taken to heart some of the comments you both made in earlier postings where you spoke of taking the time to let the process work itself out, to let her become aware of what's intended, and not hurry her. To take it one step at a time and allow her to see and assume it for herself. Patience comes hard for me especially because I so long for my wife to become more at ease with the control she really already has...if she would awaken to it, or more truthfully, be willing to exercise it. She is pretty traditional, yet can be forceful, firm, controlling at times of me and others (and other times a playful, child-like thing...I'm crazy in love with her!).

Since I gave her the CD and book, and a couple notes afterwards asking what she thought (I was too afraid to raise it in person figuring she would just reject me), I have not heard anything from her about this. She allows me to do an increasing number of chores without stopping me and is accepting an occasional massage and more affectionate touching that leads to nothing more. We have had a couple of deeply intimate times where I was self-less (thanks for the ideas, it's incredible to be so, I never knew how much) and I am much less assertive now in coming on to her, instead letting her set the pace for us. I have sidestepped some fights by agreeing with her, and I am actively paying more attention to her in routine matters. She is also getting used to using the remote control most all of the time without hesitation now! All of this she is allowing and even seeming to enjoy as I slowly escalate my submission. I doubt she has read the book, but I believe she listened to the CD I gave her and reviewed your website when I first mentioned it.

I have seen that the biggest change between us isn't in her but in me, to change my attitude of being centered on me and what I want, to become more about her and what she needs and will enjoy. I know there are benefits to this kind of relationship for her, and have found since I wrote to you a new determination to offer it, invisibly for now, in my pitching in on housework, making her feel sought and dated all over again, and my having an attention on her more than me. Sounds like things any good husband should be doing, huh? That's what so amazingly simple about your work...it makes sense. It has inspired me to serve her in ways deeper and more genuinely her-focused than I probably ever have before. Doing for her...more than doing for her to meet my needs...is a change of focus for me, and more than I expected.

As one expression of my submission too, I have put myself on a stealth allowance, taken my debit and credit cards out of my wallet, and am seeing the financial accounts as hers which I manage. Doing this has been an eye-opener to my feeling submissive as well and I can see some of what Ken meant when you wrote some time ago, "In our own household, Emily keeps me on an allowance. It is a constant and pleasant reminder of her status as head of the household."

I now am two months into this submission and know that I am going ahead slowly and deliberately. At some point, I will raise my request again and invite her discussion. I know me well enough that I need a formal acceptance and affirmation of her control. Until then, as I show her what can be, thank you for your good work and creative ideas. You have given me a fresh hope of how our marriage can evolve and be much more fulfilling in our empty nest years ahead. I certainly wish I had found you sooner, but maybe I wasn't ready for it till now.

Roger

Ken responds...

Roger, Emily and I are both incredibly happy for you. Please know that both of us, along with an ever growing audience of our readers, supports you and wishes you the best.

---

Hi Emily and Ken,

Thank you for your website - it has helped me to recognize and put words to desires I have long known I had but was never really able to explain or understand. I have always considered myself to be submissive, but I never was really turned on by the "mistress/slave" thing or by leather-clad dominatrixes. I want to be the same person, with the same talents and drive and ambition, I just want to put all of my energy at the service of my wife and accept her direction and control.

Since finding your website last week, I started taking notes about how my marriage seems to match the pattern of "stealth submission." Here are a few:

1.) She has control of our finances. We have two accounts, a joint one where my paycheck goes, and one that is hers alone - her paycheck and some other money she had is in there. I never questioned her on how she chooses to spend her own money. If she wants to buy something - and we've made some large purchases - I've helped with all the details, but she has made the final decision. On the other hand, she has full access to the joint account, and my paycheck is mostly used to pay bills. I voluntarily keep her fully informed of how my money is spent, and she makes sure I am not slacking off on billpaying. If I run out of cash, which happens frequently, she will give me money on a daily basis - as much as she sees fit. I rarely make any purchases for myself, and I always ask if she minds if I get something for myself, like a music CD or a DVD. Sometimes, she doesn't mind and allows me to buy it.

2.) She controls the remote. In the past, she used to ask me what I wanted to watch, and if there wasn't anything in particular she wanted, she'd give the remote to me. Now, she doesn't bother asking me what I want, and if there is nothing good on, she'll put on Travel Channel or something similar, which she knows I don't particularly care for. I never complain. If I really want to see something, I will ask her. Sometimes, she will let me watch it.

3.) If she calls my name, I will pretty much routinely drop whatever I am doing and go to her immediately. If she tells me to do something, I do it right away. I've noticed times over this past weekend where she has given me a series of tasks to do while she just stands there and watches. This weekend, for example, she told me to do a load of dishes before leaving the house to go get bagels and then to get a haircut (which she told me to get). While I was doing all that, she was watching TV in the bedroom. I did as I was told.

4.) Her tastes rule. She decides where we go on vacation, what we do on the weekends, what we have for dinner. We listen to her radio station or her CDs in the car. She buys my clothes, and over the past year she has changed my style of dress pretty dramatically. (My co-workers have commented on it - and I have to say, it is better than what I used to wear.) She picked out my new glasses and my new haircut. She asks my opinion, and sometimes goes along with it, but she doesn't hesitate to overrule me whenever she pleases.

5.) We have not argued once in the past year and a half. I thought we were just getting along better, but now I realize that I have been giving in to her wishes. Not only that, I have been enthusiastic about her wishes.

6.) In the bedroom, we make love only when she wants to, and then we do it the way she likes. I initiate, but I get turned down a lot.

Since I've recognized all this, I have thought about either continuing in the status quo, where I serve her and she seems to accept my service without either of us actually acknowledging it, or telling her how I feel and seeing what happens. I've written her a letter, which I have not yet given her. I may wait for a bit, because we are going through some changes in our life right now and I think that it might not be the best time to suddenly reveal to her that her husband is submissive.

In the letter, I tell her that I want to serve her as a knight serves his Lady. I tell her that I am still the same person she has always known, because this tendency has always been a part of me and has always been a part of our interaction. The difference is I am formally acknowledging it. I pledge her my devotion and invite her to take her place on the pedastal.

I also tell her that even if she chooses to keep things the way they are, at least I have shared a very secret and personal part of myself with her, and this secret will no longer be something that keeps me from total honesty. I will be an open book.

I am fairly confident that my letter communicates what I want to say. How she reacts to it is another story...

I think there is a good chance she already recognizes this about me. She is pretty perceptive. If she doesn't already recognize it, I think this might be like a missing piece of the jigsaw puzzle that suddenly puts everything else about me into perspective. I also think that she enjoys being in control, especially because I think she felt deprived of control for so long in our marriage - so there is a chance she would take me up on this.

Any feedback you have for me would be greatly appreciated.

Unsigned

Ken responds...

Wow, your relationship seems so close to the perfect model of loving female authority that so many readers on this site are striving to reach. I would definately recommend that you pick a time that feels right to you to articulate your desire to serve her in a more formal LFA relationship. This is the only piece missing on your path to truly finding what you seek.

---

Dear Emily and Ken,

I came across your great website about 2 months ago, I was so impressed that I bought the downloadable version of your book Around Her Finger from Lulu, it was also very good. This helped me to make up my mind that I should tell my wife (who is 4 years older than I and have been married to for 12 years) that I had these feeling and desires for her.

I had already been doing what you call stealth submission for about a year. I was doing most of the shopping, washing, ironing, foot and back massages, oral service, making tea and doing anything else that I could think of to please her. I did derive great pleasure and satisfaction for doing these things for my wife, but it just seemed there was something missing

I followed your advice and sent my wife an email, timing it to arrive when I knew my wife would be at home alone all morning. When I got home that day my wife was very upset and had been crying. She said it was very unfair leaving her with that email for all that time, and we sort of argued for the rest of the day, I asked if she had read the website she said something about skimming it but I think she missed the most important bits. I was feeling quite down and rejected.

So here I am two months down the line, and my wife seem to have forgotten about everything, and we are carrying on as normal. She even seems to get upset when I do the washing and some other jobs, saying that I am taking things that give her meaning in her life. She has also mentioned that managing money really scares her; this might be one hurdle that we need to get over. She is also not very comfortable with denying me my pleasure, always insisting that it is my turn.

I have tried to keep this email short. How do you think I should move this forward? Is this as far as I will ever get with a female lead marriage? Is there any hope or advice that you could give me? I love my wife dearly, but I yearn for her to take up her rightful place as the head of the family.

Thanking you in anticipation for any help and advice. Keep up your great work with your website.

Regards

Jay

Ken responds...

I wish that I could say yours was the first such letter that we have received describing a wife that rejects loving female authority upon first being introduced to the concept. One observation that I offer is that your letter seems to have one thing in common with the others that I have seen which have been similar to it. It seems that you threw this concept over the fence to your wife... stepped back... received her reaction, then sulked. You never really discussed this with her.

Your wife clearly has issues stepping outside the traditional role that she has imagined for herself. She may never be really comfortable with the idea of LFA, but truth be told, you do not know that yet. You have not spoken to her about it directly. You have not had a chance to hear her specific concerns and for her to understand how deeply rooted your submission really is to you. I doubt very seriously that she has even considered the fact that submission is an expression of love from someone that has difficulty in opening up about their emotions.

I recommend that you set aside some time with your wife for a very open and candid conversation. Do not think of it as an opportunity to sell her on the concept. Instead think of it as an opportunity to educate her on your feelings and for you to learn more about hers. Solicit her help in trying to understand where these feelings come from and what you can do about them. Consider this conversation a new starting point from which you can work together to define a relationship dynamic that works for both of you.

----

Ken and Emily,

Hello,I’d like to thank you for your site. It has been a real eye-opener for me. There are so many things that have occurred naturally in our relationship that I have always comfortably accepted and they now all make more sense. For instance,- she chooses who drives the car when we go on family outings. She is the initiator of sex, and I have always felt more fulfilled when her needs are met, rather than my own. She makes decisions about healthcare and education for our children. She determines our social schedule, etc.

I felt an enormous sense of relief and release when I came across your site, because the concept of a female-led relationship just seems so right to me. I really want to communicate to my wife my willingness to accept her authority explicitly (rather than "by stealth" as has been the case to date), but I have a bit of a problem to confront. You see, even though my wife is naturally the dominant member of our partnership, I have always had financial responsibility. I should point out that my wife does not work (her choice) and stays home to look after our young children whilst I work and earn a good salary. The problem is that I have done a terrible job of managing our finances and, unbeknownst to her, I am in a serious amount of unsecured debt. Because she does not know, I have not been able to hand over the finances.

I am intending to confess all and hoping that she will forgive my indiscretions and take charge, and that perhaps we can then work our way out of this situation. Just so you know, my debt is not the result of gambling, drugs or anything other than living outside our means and trying to give our family more (monetarily) than I was capable of. Anyway, your site is helping me to gain the courage to tell her all, and it has given me hope that perhaps with her at the reins, we can get back on track.

I will let you know how things turn out.

Mark, Melbourne - Australia

Second letter from Mark

Hello again. Further to my message yesterday, I wanted to tell you I came clean and told my wife all about my financial problems and debt. I was surprised (and ashamed) when she took it all calmly and considerately. She reasssured me that everything would be OK. She also agreed to take control over the finances. This outcome was beyond my wildest expectations.

Anyway, as I said in my letter yesterday, it has been a matter of course that I have been submitting to my wife over the years. Her taking over the finances seems like just a logical progression. My question is as follows - with this natural progression, how important do you think it is for me to express my desire to submit, and for my wife to consciously and formally take the dominant role?

Hope to hear your thoughts,

Mark, Melbourne - Australia

Ken responds...

Mark, your second letter indicates that the dilemma you posed in your first letter had an obvious solution, and you acted on that solution on your own initiative. When in doubt, always let the woman take control.

As to the question in your second letter, nobody can answer that question better than you. Her needs are already being met in that you are already serving her. Formalizing her authority is really more about your needs than hers. As you read often on this site, most men have a difficult time sustaining unilateral, stealth submission absent the formalization of her authority and her active management of your orgasms. In my opinion, opening up to her will be best for both of you. She will appreciate your honesty and will better understand your true feelings. You will, if all goes well, find yourself in the type of relationship that many men only dream of finding.

Best of luck.

March 2006

Letters from Women

My husband showed me your site and has expressed an interest in taking our marriage in this direction. I must say I find this quite interesting even if unfamiliar.

A lot of what your recommend seems like a natural extension and progression from where we are now, as I have always tended to be more of the boss anyway.

One point I am a bit uncomfortable with is withholding orgasms from him during sex. He says this is an important part of making my authority "real".

I am worried that getting him excited and leaving him unsatisfied will tempt him to masturbate. I don't want to discuss this with him because I am sure he would be embarrassed and upset and also because I don't want him to think I don't trust him.

But perhaps you can help me. Has this ever been an issue in your marriage or others you have talked to? Should I be worried? Should I relax and trust him?

Anyway, sorry if this is a dumb question.

Thanks,

Unsigned

Emily responds...

Thare are no dumb questions as they relate to beginning a female-led marriage. There is so much to consider in terms of how you structure your authority, that you are bound to have many questions and many areas of concern. The topic of male orgasm denial is probably the most controversial component of our website, books and CD's. It is no wonder that it is also the topic of so many of the emails that we receive. I understand that you are uncomfortable discussing it with your husband, but I really do think that open dialogue on the subject will be beneficial to both of you.

Ultimately, your active control of your husband's orgasm is probably going to be necessary for you to maintain his consistent and long term obedience. Your husband is submissive, this is not going to change, but even most submissive men will have a tendency to revert to thier old habits if their orgasms are not managed. Note that I use the term managed. By managed, I do not simply mean denied. Management implies some key elements. For starters, you will need to accompany his periods of denial with physical intimacy that arouses him, but leaves him unspent. For example, have him strip, give you a lengthy massage, and at the end of the massage, have him perform oral sex on you so that you achieve your own orgasm while he does not. You should acknowledge his arousal, perhaps even touch him intimately, but make a point of letting him know that you are denying him in order to achieve some end. Perhaps you will need him to do something for you the next day, or maybe just tell him that you know that in being denied his submission will intensify and you will both be happier for it. When you do allow him release, be certain that it is a reward for something special that he has done to please you.

As to your other concerns, your judgement call on whether or not you can trust your submissive husband not to masturbate is an important issue, and there are a number of considerations. Most men can be trusted in the early stages of their submission to their wives. It is only after the routines have been established and the newness of the arrangement is wearing off that they may begin sneaking off to satisfy their needs on their own. You should talk to your husband about his current masturbation practices and what your expectations would be going forward. To the extent that he is open and honest with you may be an indication of what you can expect. If he does violate your trust, you both will be the worse off. Remember, the surrender to you of when and how often he achieves orgasm's is intended to benefit you both.

If you come to the conclusion that he simply cannot be trusted. Please write to me. I will forward you some solutions that are ultimately very close to foolproof. I am considering discussing these solutions in more detail on these letter pages, but for now I prefer to do it in private correspondence.

----

Dear Emily:

My husband and I are in a loving marriage that is evolving into a female led relationship. I would say that 90% of the time my husband treats me like a queen, is respectful of my position as the head of our household (having final decision making authority in family matters), and otherwise is generally compliant in meeting my emotional and practical needs.

However there is that other 10% of the time when his behavior is less than what I want, and I would like your advice in a couple of the issues we presently are having.

1. While my husband generally does a good job performing the household chores and child rearing tasks I assign him, there are times when he does not accomplish everything that I've asked him to do for me each day. He usually has the excuse that he "didn't have time" but I know he could make better use of his time if he wasn't spending so much time on the internet and watching TV. To this end I have implemented the orgasm management methodology you recommend and have had some success. If I do this for too long a time I know, I suspect he simply gets on the internet and pleasures himself, thus defeating my purpose, even though I know he would much rather receive his pleasure from me. I was wondering if you had any recommendations concerning this situation, and if there were any other methods of discipline you recommend for correcting a husband's errant behavior.

2. While my husband usually respects my having the final decision making authority in our home, he is currently being difficult over my choice in what school to put our 5 year old in this fall. I want to put our child in a private school, which is expensive but affordable for us, while my hubby wants to opt for our public school which is reputed to be a good one. As the wife I feel my say should be final on this matter, especially as I make more money than he does. However, he is adamant in saying we should put the money toward other areas and constantly fights with me on this hoping I wile give in. Additionally, I feel my husband spends to much money sometimes (especially in Sports memorabilia on eBay). I would like your opinion on how I should assert myself as the undisputed final authority in personal finance related matters.

3. Finally I wanted to suggest that you create on your site a place where we couples who practice the female led relationship lifestyle could list our email addresses to communicate, give advice and share life experiences with one another. I would enjoy such discourse with other wives in female led marriages and I'm sure my husband would enjoy talking to other husbands. My email address is moflrcpl@hotmail.com and feel free to list it if you chose to make such information available, perhaps in some kind of database.

Thanks again for your wonderful books and website,

Jessica

Emily responds...

If I may, let me answer your questions in reverse. First of all, while I have left your email visible in the letter you sent, I will wait until I get a number of such requests before posting a list as you describe. In the meantime, I will be happy to keep a repository of email addresses to share with other dominant wives on a request by request basis only. My only hesitation is that I do not want this list to end up as a target for spammers. I will likely be very careful as to how I ultimately manage this list.

As to your husband's insistence on how you handle the question of where you send your child to school, you need to draw a line in the sand. I believe you are right that you solicit his feedback and input. However, either you are in charge or you are not. As is often the case when you are telling your husband to comply with something that tests his obedience, do it under ideal circumstances. After a couple nights of being intimate with him where you have had an orgasm and he has been managed, you should have a talk with him. Tell him you are quite happy with the arrangement in your marriage where he is submissive and you are in charge. Have him again concede that he too is happiest when you are in charge. Remind him again that you value his opinion, but that final decisions are always to be yours. Then tell him that you plan on having a conversation with him the next morning, and that you want him to keep the evenings conversation in mind when you talk. In the morning, make it perfectly clear that your decision regarding the private school is final. He can either accept it, or you will end any pretenses that you are the head of the household and things can go back to the way they once were. He will likely comply immediately, but he will certainly do so within one week of going without your loving female authority.

As to your other question concerning your husband's masturbation habits when denied an orgasm, please see my response to the letter above. Write to me directly; I will provide you the same foolproof advice.

-----

Dear Emily,

I was very pleased when I saw your no-nonsense reply to a woman complaining that her husband had reverted back to his old ways. I had an incident with my husband several months ago were he deliberately disobeyed me in front of my best friend. I would be interested in what you thought of how I handled him.

We have been in a female-led marriage for slightly more than five years. I control every aspect of our marriage. I make the decisions and fully expect my husband to obey me without question. I may sometimes ask his opinion but it is understood that the final decisions are always mine to make. While I handle all the finance, my husband is solely responsible for all the cooking and all the household chores including all the housework.

Last June, my best friend Linda decided to visit us. She and I have been best friends since we were teenagers. I had visited her in California twice in recent year, but she had not had the chance to visit me in Tennessee. She knows about me being the head-of-the-house and is very, very supportive. As Linda and I planned her trip I told my husband I expected him to continue with his household responsibilities during Linda's visit. I was eager for her to see how I managed the household.

When Linda and I arrived from the airport things were as I had instructed. My husband had thoroughly cleaned the house, had arranged the guest bedroom for Linda, and had set up the guest bathroom for her use. I had told my husband that Linda and I would eat dinner at home that first night but we had planned on being out of the house off-and-on over her two week stay. I was taking time from work, and I had also decided my husband would take three half-days off so he could be at home to straighten things up during Linda's visit. My husband has become a very good cook (and a very good housekeeper) .

He had prepared dinner for us that first night. Strangely, he balked at serving us. He had fixed the meal but did not want to serve us. He said he was embarrassed. I was furious. He had even walked away into our family room where I followed him. I told him, in a voice loud enough for Linda to hear that I would not tolerate him disobeying me, ever. I told him to get back into the kitchen and serve us. He hesitated, and I told him again in a very loud voice, to never, ever disobey me again. I told him again to get back into the kitchen and serve us. Meekly, he finally obeyed me. It was half-way through dinner before I had calmed down. Linda was very gracious, even complimenting my husband on the meal and the beautiful table setting. He did appreciate her comments. As he told me later, he had just panicked at the thought of serving us but he would never disobey me openly again. And he was very obedient the rest of the two weeks.

Of course, I ensued his obedience by having him satisfy me in our bedroom every night for the next two weeks but not allowing him to have an orgasm. I maintained my control until the middle of second week of Linda's visit when I did allow him to masturbate while I looked on. However he was told not to even "play" with himself until I agreed to allow it. I also mildly scolded him twice during Linda's visit, while she looked on totally supportive of me. .

Two nights after he first disobeyed me, I told him during dinner Linda and I were not happy with the red wine he served us and I sent him to our local package store for another bottle while Linda and I finished dinner. The following week I scolded him again, while Linda looked on, for not greeting her at the door when she and I returned from a day out seeing the sights.

I was so pleased that Linda loved our arrangement. She told me how envious she was. She even decided to begin seeking her boyfriends submissive side as soon as she returned to California (and she has!). I know you must be swamped with requests from other women but I would love to her your views on how I handled things.

Best Wishes,

Paula in Tennessee

Emily responds...

Paula, your letter brings up a couple of topics for discussion. First, however, let me say that you are the ultimate head of your household. Whatever works for you and your husband is best left to you to decide. It is difficult for me to comment on the particular dynamics of your marriage without knowing how the relationship works for both of you. I will only say that there are a couple of ground rules, related to your letter, that work well for us.

First is that we are both very cautious and typically very collaborative regarding how much we let others know about power structure in our relationship. Men have written to us on this site and told us how gratifying it is when others outside their marriage learn that they are submissive to their wives. In a sense, however, this is playing with fire. Most of even our very close friends have no idea of how deeply submissive Ken is to me. While it is clear that I am very much in charge, I am sure that most of them think that he is simply "whipped" in the very traditional sense of the word and nothing more than that. You said that Linda was a very close friend and living in another state. That actually sounds like the optimal situation for letting someone in on your secret. In my own marriage, while the decision would ultimately have been my own, I probably would have discussed with Ken how we would handle openeing up to Linda about our marriage and what I expected as far as his behavior during her stay. This way, there should have been no surprises as to how things would proceed once she arrived. You may have done the same, and perhaps his failure to behave as he had indicated was cause for your angry reaction to his disobedience.

Secondly, while Ken is submissive to me, I tend to be more subtle in how I correct and modify his behavior. While there are certainly times that I scold him, these are rare based on the fact that he is generally very obedient. If I do scold him, it would more likely be in private. In our case, I more often manipulate him sexually as a means to achieving my control. For example, let me provide a counter-example to the way you handled the incident in which your husband refused to serve you dinner (I include this as a different approach, not a better approach). I might have walked into the other room, placed my hands on his thighs and whispered suggestively into his ear that I expected him to obey me immediately and get into the kitchen to serve us. After dinner, I might have been anxious to show off his loving submission by having him rub my feet while my friend and I finished our wine. As was the case with you, however, I would certainly have managed his orgasms for the remainder of your friend's visit. There would also have been some other punishments beyond simply denying his orgasms. Like you, I do not tolerate disobedience from my husband.

At the end of the day, I believe that your letter is illustrative of the fact that there are many ways to manage your household. We should all settle on what works best for us and keep an open mind to new ideas as we grow in our marriages.

---

Emily,

I was wondering if you might expand a bit upon the following quote:

If your husband is going through a stressful time at work, he needs to submit to you more than ever.

I would think that you might adjust things a bit for him ("strike a balance", as you put it), but I wasn't completely sure what you meant.

Thank you!

Kate

Emily responds...

This is a very good question, and my quote does require some clarification. As a proponent of loving female authority, I believe you should always have your husband's best interest in mind. His submission and your dominance, after all, are as much for his wellbeing as your own.

So to clarify, I do believe that difficult, stressful and often busy times are when he most needs to submit to you. However, this does not mean that you have to add to his stress by adding tasks to his to do list. In fact, you might even perform some of his chores for him. At the same time, you should step up your demands for his intimate adoration of you. Keep him on his knees and focussed on your pleasure. Manage his orgasms so that his submission peaks, but do not put too many nights between his releases.

In his submission to you, he can find a comfortable respite from the stress of the outside world.

---

Dear Emily,

I have enjoyed reading your website. I am just getting into this lifestyle and having a bit of trouble with it. My husband brought it up, and I love the idea, but I have always been the "doormat" so to speak.

I did pretty good for about a week, but my authority seems to have gone away. I have been sick also so I am sure that is why I let it slide a bit. Now I am back to doing all housework, laundry, cooking and taking care of our 4 children. While being sick! LOL Now of all times is when I need him to be submissive and help out! Any help you can give me would greatly be appreciated!

Lana

Emily responds...

Lana, have you had the conversation with your husband in which you cement the authority in the relationship? Simply stated, loving female authority will not work if you do not clearly express that you are in charge and you expect that he will obey you. If you have already done this, you need to do it again, but let him know you are incredibly serious. To have fantasies of being submissive is easy for most men, to truly live the life of a submissive husband is not. As soon as you are well again, tell him that you expect massages, foot rubs and anything else that pleases you every night. He, on the other hand, can expect that he will not orgasm unless he demonstrates perfect behavior for at least a week.

If you want a female-led household, you need to step up the plate. We know already that he wants it because he told you as much. He will not, however, find it easy to submit to a doormat, so you will need to step up the plate and be the strong women that you know you are.

Letters from Men

I have been aware of your site for over a year. I think I have read every word on your site and every word on the letter pages ten times. The knowledge that I want to submit to women is not new to me, it was not introduced to me by your site. I have known it forever. I have spent countless hours surfing internet pornography related to female domination. Much of the material that used to (and in a very real way still does) interest me would be considered extreme by almost anyone. People that know me, including my own wife, would never imagine that I have these thoughts and feelings. I am ashamed of many of my own fantasies as much as I am compelled to accept them. Where did all of this come from? I don't know, but for the first time, I feel like I have an option to deal with them.

Since first discovering your site, I have maintained the hope that I will one day have the courage to approach my wife with your book. The idea of loving female authority as an alternative to my past ideas about female domination is truly a ray of sunshine in a dark tunnel. My most intense fantasies now involve loving submission to my wife, where before they involved empty lust for some faceless model on the internet.

Thank you for giving me hope.

Unsigned

Ken responds...

I have to admit that in the past I too lacked the self-discipline to avoid femdom pornography. It was only when I finally submitted to Emily that I found the true peace that you seek. Emily will still occasionally check up on my internet habits (I am prohibited from purging my history file), but she has nothing to worry about. The pornography that interested me in the past is no competition for true, loving female authority. Have the courage to share your feelings with your wife. It is what you truly need.

---

I am in my mid-twenties and dating a woman who has no idea about my submissive feelings. I definately could see marrying this woman as we have been dating for two years and have a very serious relationship. Do you think I am obligated to discuss my desires for a female led household before we get engaged or married?

Jack in Connecticut

I really do. I discussed this with Emily and we both agree that this is one of those topics that is best brought to light prior to the bond of the marriage commitment. At the risk of making a shameless plug, consider purchasing her The New Bride's Guide to Training Her Husband and getting her feedback on what it suggests.