March / April 2009

Welcome to the March and April Updates

My apologies for the significant delay in getting the update posted this month (and last). Ken has been traveling quite a bit for work lately. This is a development that offers challenges beyond just this updates page, but in this economy, he and I are grateful that he remains busy.

His schedule has raised an interesting discussion between the two of us as it relates to this site. We have always been the primary providers (editors) of content for the site and updates, and we have never really felt that we have given either quite the attention that they deserve. Many sites related to this topic create content by simply opening forums to public posting. For reasons that are obvious to the long-time visitors to our pages, we are not in a position to do this. Our very mission requires that the content on these pages is carefully controlled so that it remains the soft-landing zone that is virtually non-existent elsewhere.

What we seek is someone who would be a true partner. Someone who would be willing to shepherd the content, contribute to responses, and effectively give us a bit of a break from the day to day. We are not sure exactly how this would work, but we would be willing to entertain suggestions.

Emily

As always, our books and CD’s can be found at www.lulu.com/aroundherfinger/

Send questions, comments and success stories to Emily (dot) Addison (at) Gmail (dotcom)

Letters from Women

Dear Emily,

My husband has been submissive to me since before we even married. He gave me your New Bride’s Guide to Training her Husband months before becoming engaged. He said that this was a part of him which he felt was very important to share before we made a commitment, and I’m grateful that he did. I feel very naturally suited to the head of the household role, and I find that the lack of ambiguity about my having the final authority in the marriage is incredibly liberating for both of us.

There is often talk about chore-doing and intimacy on your site, but I want to mention how I find our sex life to be incredibly satisfying, and I know that he does as well. Over time I have become very uninhibited in regard to my expectations, and we have both become very comfortable in our respective sexual roles. It is not at all uncommon for me to have him go down on me while I am watching TV in the evenings. I will lie back on our couch, him kneeling in front of me and proceeding very slowly with only gentle and very subtle kissing between my legs. I don’t know if other women have experienced this, but this very slow build up of oral sex sets the stage for very intense orgasm not possible if foreplay is rushed or ignored altogether. However, in previous traditional (non-AHF) relationships, I never would have felt comfortable allowing this gradual build up. I would have enjoyed ten minutes of perhaps more aggressive oral sex before ultimately feeling that it was my turn to reciprocate. Now, I feel no such pressure. He lovingly dotes on me until such time that I ask him use a vibrator on me. This then creates orgasms more intense and physically satisfying I had ever previously experienced, and certainly more intense than traditional intercourse alone.

Once we have gone through this process, I usually (but not always) allow for physical intercourse. At this point, I am so physically stimulated that the intercourse allows for continued intense orgasms. I will usually signal for him to slow down and he ultimately comes to a complete stop, remaining motionless inside me. He and I will stare at each other, and he knows that I expect that he is to speak to me. He has cried in this situation before as he tells me how much he loves me. It is as if his hormones are working within him to create an intense emotional connection. These are deeply intimate moments that I could not imagine without AHF. More often than not I will not allow him release, but whether I allow this or not, he reaffirms his affectionate obedience for me by dropping back to his knees where he again kisses and adores me before I send him off to bring me a warm washcloth.

There is nothing I do not love about this man and our relationship. Our life together is wonderful, and I do feel that I owe you a debt of gratitude for sharing your ideas with all of us.

Thanks you,

Beth in Texas

Emily responds…

What can I add to such a wonderful description of your intimate moments with your husband? I have said before that one cannot overestimate the impact that managing a man’s orgasm has on his emotional connection to his wife. Bravo for mastering this.

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Dear Emily,

My husband and I have been practicing LFA for a few months now. After my husband satisfies me orally I will deny his orgasm and we will hug and caress for a while until I fall asleep. Lately he will wakeup in the middle of the night (with an erection) and will begin kissing me and begging for sex. I will tell him to go back to sleep and have threatened to extend the time that he will be allowed to orgasm. The problem is this leads to more begging and complaining that he "can't sleep".

I have to confess there is a part of me that enjoys hearing him beg and offer promises of good deeds. I am looking for a creative way to break him of these bad habits any ideas?

Karen from NY

Emily responds…

The next time it happens, tell him firmly and with resolve that he is to sleep on the floor at the foot of your bed. Accept no excuse and no talking back. Do not, however, deprive yourself of his devotion and adoration. In the morning, on your time and your terms, have him kneel in front of you and speak to you about his feelings. This allows him the emotional release that he craves as much as the physical release, it allows you the intimate connection, but ultimately it allows you to get your beauty sleep.

You are in charge, you make the rules... always!

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Dear Emily,

I have no direct ties to an Around Her Finger relationship. I know, however, that a male friend of mine does. He was married to a good friend of mine who passed away very unexpectedly a couple of years ago. I always knew that their relationship was “special”, but I didn’t understand until he opened up to me about it, showing me your site and discussing the particulars of their marriage. To me it explained a lot of things, and I think it contributed very positively to the life they had together. While his relationship with his first wife evolved into a female-led relationship over time, he has told me that he wants to seek the same with any new women he dates. As I say, I am just a friend of his, and I am not interested in him romantically. However, I still care about him. I write now because I am afraid he has gotten himself into a relationship that is not good for him.

He is forty-eight years old and has been dating a very young (I would guess early twenties) woman for about eight months. It is obvious to me that she is in charge in their relationship. I was over at his house recently when she was there and she was barking orders at him while he waited on her hand and foot. She made a bit of a game at telling him to go get her drink, and then she said she needed one more ice cube, then he came back and she needed another ice cube. I didn’t think there was anything “loving” about her authority. She smiled at me as if I was in on her joke, but I found no humor in her antics. I know he bought her a new car (he has quite a bit of money) and lots of new clothes. I also have been told by a mutual friend that she has been seen out (recently) with another man closer to her age. In short, I feel she is taking advantage of him.

I do not want to be judgmental, remember, I am the one that thinks Around Her Finger really helped his last marriage. At the same time, I do think it is possible to go too far and take advantage of a man.

What do you think?

Unsigned in Pennsylvania

Emily responds…

You mentioned that in this man’s first marriage, he and his wife grew into a female-led relationship. This is ideal. Find common interests, build emotional ties, and then elevate the intimacy in the relationship by introducing LFA. It seems that your friend went out seeking someone interested in controlling him for the sake of control, and not for the sake of building upon existing intimacy. You should speak to him about the circumstances in which he met this woman and understand if they built any common bonds before it became apparent to her that he was willing to serve and obey her. I suspect he leapfrogged this step.

Of course a man can be taken advantage of by a woman that chooses to manipulate rather than nurture his submission. Once a man is exposed to female authority it will create a real emptiness if it is taken away. One can understand why a man would be willing to overlook the element of genuine affection and love and settle for just the authority component, but it will not satisfy him in the long run. Talk to him. He may need a friend to point out what he may already know is obvious. Have him write me if he is comfortable.

Letters from Men

Ms. and Mr. Addison,

I'm sure your lives must be very busy and that must be why you haven't updated your posts lately, but I have to tell you that your updates mean a lot to some of us husbands out there. My wife has taught me to very patient, so I can certainly wait until you have time to post again, but I just wanted to let you know that I greatly appreciate your updates.

My wife told me she didn't want me looking at any porn or being on any female led bulletin boards as of last October. She said it would be better for me to focus on her alone without outside input. I do think she has been right, however she does approve your site and your book, and your site is the only one that my computer will allow me to go to since she has set controls on the computer.

I greatly appreciate your site as a way to at least feel somewhat connected to other men in similar relationships. And because your site avoids any porn or erotic angles on the relationship and keeps the focus on the wife, then she is ok with me looking at yours. So anyway, I just wanted to let you know how important your site is in my life and how greatly I appreciate it. I hope you are able to find the time to post again soon. I will wait patiently for both your site, as well as for the things my wife now makes me wait patiently for.... sometimes two weeks these days.

Anyway, thanks.-WR

Ken responds…

We have gone way too long without updates. I certainly offer my humble apologies as I beg for your continued patience with the demands on my time.

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Dear Ken,

After various attempts at stealth submission and games where she played dominant roles, I gave your book to my wife in March last year. She took her time to read it, and we finally started a FLR in late April, even though we never really had a conversation like the one you describe in the book.

In the beginning it was more like a game to her, even though I was very serious about it. Sometimes she liked the game and sometimes she found it annoying, but somehow we continued. Last November I raised my voice at her over something silly, and she reacted strongly. I think that was the first time she really acted as she was in totally charge and expected me to be submissive - until then, she had tolerated/sometimes played the "game" but had never really taken an active role. This time she made me hand wash the dishes for two weeks and didn't let me have orgasms for those same two weeks. She also behaved with a more assertive style.

Since then things have really changed and keep changing. She actively controls my orgasms (something she didn't really do for the first seven moths of our FLR) and makes me do what she needs or wants in order to be comfortable at all times. This includes focusing on her pleasure in bed, regardless of my having an orgasm or not (at the beginning she was always very considerate and refused to be "selfish" towards me even though I told her that what I wanted was to serve her).

Needless to say, I am much happier now that she has finally taken control and the last three or four months have been great for me. I think for her as well. Our first FLR anniversary is coming up soon and I want to do something special for her.

Thanks for you wonderful website and book. It has really changed our lifes, I believe for ever.

Unsigned

Ken responds…

Stealth submission never works… it is getting to be a tired story around here, but one that can’t really be told enough. It took giving her the book just to get things started, but it took a very tangible life incident to convince her that this is really what she wanted. You opened the door to the car, but she is clearly driving.

This is how it should be. Congratulations.

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Ken,

My wife and I have been in an FLR for a little more than two years and your book was very helpful in taking us down that road. It is the one resource my wife actually read and liked. My problem is that lately, it has been better and more fulfilling for 90% of the time, but the other 10% of the time, I'm at a big low. I'm sure it won't surprise you to hear that that 10% is right after orgasm.

Any suggestions?

Unsigned

Ken responds…

Explain this to your wife. She needs you to complete the feedback loop so she can become better at controlling your orgasm for your mutual benefit. Your orgasms need to be managed in such a way that they maximize your affection and service to her... period.

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Hello Ken and Emily!

I'm a very young man (23) years old that has been searching around the internet for articles on male submission. I guess this venture for knowledge stemmed from my very long-held fantasies of being submissive to a woman. I recently ran across your website. There is not a whole lot of rational and low key material out there on this subject. Thank you for putting this all out on the web and setting up a place to let people know that they are not alone.

I am slightly confused as to what exactly my true motives are in all of this. My girlfriend and I have discussed our more natural roles in the bedroom. She tends to be more dominant, and I am submissive. When I asked her what she thought, she said that’s the way things have been heading. I then followed up by asking her if she liked the way that things were going, and she agreed that she did. During intimate experiences we have been performing these roles to a certain degree. She has become more confident and even a little cocky in bed. I find this irresistible. I love her a great deal and would love to do this kind of stuff for her as acts of service are my primary means of communicating my love. I have known about my feelings on this subject but that I have already been performing "stealth submission" for the last year or so... all the classic examples, with the foot rubs and massages which she will ask for on occasion but mostly only accepts when offered.

What do you guys think? Seeing as how I feel I could go and be happy either way, I want to make this as comfortable as possible for her. From what I have described here is this worth looking into and exploring more? Should I bring this up to her and try to have a conversation about this with her?I would like to do some more reading on the subject to truly understand how this all works, if nothing else it is a VERY interesting and exciting topic to explore if nothing more than education alone. Any advice or reading material you could provide would be wonderful!

Thanks so much!

Unsigned

Ken responds….

I think getting her reading material on this topic is more important than you reading more material. Let her get the beginning of an education on the broader merits of an FLR and let her decide where to take this. Trust her; she knows what is best for you.
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Emily and Ken,

A quick note of thanks.

Your website, book and letters have been wonderful for my wife and me. They just hit the right note for us both. Making a FLR very accessible and open to future possibilities.... nothing too prescriptive or confrontational for either of us....but setting a direction for us to explore service and new dynamics within our marriage. So thanks.

I also wanted to comment on bottom kissing and how it is a very powerful submissive experience for me. This is something that you comment on as being common for submissive men. It is for me. However my experience (and comments) are too explicit and surprising....so I'll simply say that I agree with you.

Finally I just looked at a poll on a related site that indicated that your book and website are a significant resource for folks introducing FLR to their marriage. This is something to be proud of.

Thanks again,

Unsigned

Ken responds….

Your words are very kind. Emily and I are both glad that we can be of some service to others who are going through the same challenges that she and I went through together in the beginning of our own journey to a female-led relationship.

Thank you also for your polite endorsement of bottom kissing. I think many women are inhibited in regard to allowing their husbands this indulgence. Perhaps they would open up a bit if they knew the deep sense of closeness that it brings about in the submissive man.

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Dear Emily and Ken,

I have been a regular visitor to your site for a couple years now. My wife and I have experimented with female dominance on and off over our twenty year marriage. There was a time, about ten years ago, when I told her that I wanted her to be in charge of our marriage. To my surprise, she was game for it. It went great for awhile, but then my male ego somehow rose up and in an argument I made the remark that I only submitted to her because she wouldn't submit to me and SOMEBODY had to be in charge. She took that personally, and ever since then whenever I bring up the prospect of her being in charge, those words return to haunt me.

My problem is that I become excited about the thought of submitting to her, but after the fun is over, I feel ashamed of being dominated by a woman, and my male ego rises up again and asserts itself. Is there something either she or I can do to prevent this from happening? I am afraid to try again knowing that I will only rebel again. But if I knew how to prevent that from happening, I would be on my knees today, begging her to take charge once and for all and pledging my absolute obedience.

Thank you listening,

Jon

Ken responds…

It seems to me that you are half way there already in that you recognize that your male ego is working against what it is that you truly want. Understanding your weaknesses is the beginning of overcoming them.

Go to your wife with your concerns. Talk to her about this site and how your interest in FLR's has remained and you continue to mature beyond your initial experiments ten years ago. Be sure that you focus on what is in it for her and that it is primarily a means of becoming closer with her... not the culmination of your sexual fantasies.

Openness, communication, time... these are all your allies.

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Dear Ken,

Help.

Here is my situation and I respectfully request your insights and suggestions on how I might proceed. I have been in stealth mode for the past 1.5 months. I have been doing almost all the laundry, majority of the meals and dishes, vacuuming and cleaning of the shower and bathrooms (between cleaning visits by maid service) and cleaning her car. I have definitely stepped up significantly vs. what I had done in the past. Also I now give my wife almost nightly foot massages while we watch TV and I have given her the remote, although on a couple of occasions she hasn’t been comfortable with it. Initially she said, "oh you don’t need to massage my feet tonight", but she has become more comfortable with it, loves the feel of the oil and the one hour foot massages and now no longer questions it, just enjoys it (progress!). Also, almost daily I caress her body both at night and in the morning while in bed, not expecting and sometime refusing anything in return. You must understand that my wife is a very giving women, putting others first, so this has been difficult for her to accept.

We have been married for twenty-one years and my wife is an attractive, albeit conservative women. In the past two months, our passion has improved, we talk more and I look for opportunities where I can do things for her. Most recently I purchased a massage table with a mattress heater as a surprise. I provided her with a letter/menu that I left for her in her car in the morning. The letter said it was to be her night/all about her if she so desired, and it had options for her to select in how the night was to go.

To my surprise, when she returned home that evening she returned the note to me with her selections checked and she loved the idea. She chose to have me undress her and join her in the shower to shave her legs, followed by a full body massage by candlelight followed by me softly kissing her body (etc). She so enjoyed the new table and the evening and told me so. So I told her how much I enjoyed doing it for her, and would love to do it again, but that she had to request it herself.

Well it has been two weeks and she has yet to request it. Granted we have been busy, but I am attempting (ok manipulating the situation) to push her to make requests for what she wants. So I am at an impasse, do you have any suggestions on how I should proceed? I want to prepare her for my introducing her to FLM, but I first want her to experience some of the benefits prior to bringing it up. I am not sure if I should do another letter/menu and if so what new things can I put on it for her to choose from, or should I just wait for her to request “another night of pleasure”?

So, respectfully, your insights and suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

Unsigned

Ken responds…

If you have been reading our site for any time at all, then you already know the answer to your question. Stealth submission will never satisfy you. You must open up to her about your submission in a way that opens the door to a more structured FLR, where you both formally acknowledge your roles and they are reinforced with the techniques we discuss on here.

It is becoming cliché, and it is certainly self serving, but it is time for you to buy her our book. It may not go perfectly, but over time, she will understand the benefits that this offers to both of you.

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Our books and CD’s can be found at www.lulu.com/aroundherfinger/