Welcome to the February Updates
The cold weather this winter has kept to many of us inside. Proximity breeds romance, but it can sometimes test our patience with those we love. Imagine if the rules in your own relationships were crystal clear, and her words and wishes were always the priority. Would that not turn your cabin fever into properly channeled affection in a hurry?
Enjoy the letters and keep warm!
Emily
As always, our books and CD’s can be found at www.lulu.com/aroundherfinger/Send questions, comments and success stories to Emily (dot) Addison (at) Gmail (dotcom)
Letters from Women
Emily,
My husband approached me last year with your web site and book. I was in the final trimester of a pregnancy and we were really enjoying the final time for me to be pregnant, my different body, and knowing this would be our last pregnancy. I was quite intrigued at his interest and suggestions, but since we already have children and had another on the way, I was not sure how to implement your ideas. He felt very energized, however, as did I, and we went ahead and made a re-commitment to each other using some of your suggestions and adding some things of our own.
We have been married for nearly 15 years and together for nearly 20, and have always had a good sexual relationship, but this added a new dimension to many different areas of our relationship, areas that needed a little help. We had a good couple of weeks prior to the baby and then after about 6 weeks or so, another good couple of months. His focus was on me to a degree that it had not been for a long time and we were really working as a team with our house.
However, I'm writing now because I cannot seem to generate the attention, focus, and energy to be the top dog all of the time. I have two older children a ten year old and now an almost one year old, and I feel like tracking his behavior and coming up with ways for him to serve me or help me has become a chore. Unfortunately, I have let my part slip, and I'm sure he misses the new energy in the relationship, as do I. I'm looking for some help for how to maintain this long-term. I am game for many things in the bedroom (when we can find the time or space!!), but would really appreciate some pointers on keeping on. I think we probably need to re-focus, perhaps with another "inaugural" session of our own, but really want to figure out how to maintain the energy or focus with a household and kids to manage, too.
Perhaps a complicating factor is that, professionally, he is extremely busy and because he is doing a training program, does not have control of his schedule, so is not around all that much. I feel bad telling him to take care of things when he has had minimal sleep and time off.
I appreciate your feedback and any suggestions you may have.
Unsigned
Emily responds…
First and foremost, congratulations on the success of your relationship. It sounds like you had a spectacular marriage before this started, and your openness to these ideas allowed you to expand on your relationship. This is the ideal set of circumstances.
First, it is ok to relax, even if it creates a lull in the intensity for your husband. It is true that th is is about you and him together, but that said, you need to always put your interests first. Reinforcing his submission is a means to a better relationship, but it begins and ends with a happier and more contented wife. The good news is that despite your hectic lifestyles there are some things I think you can do to mix up your relationship.
Begin by putting your pleasure and the denial of his orgasm at the forefront of your plans. Send him an email telling him to go out and purchase you something intimate. Be no more specific than this; allow his creativity to express itself. Ask him to give it to you on an evening the following weekend. Tell him that if you are pleased with the gift, you will allow him an orgasm, if not; he will have to buy another gift.
You now have created a dynamic where until he buys and gives you that gift, he will not be able to stop thinking about it… and more pointedly… about you. You will have accomplished two weeks of sustained and deeply felt affection (in him and for you) with a several sentence email. When the gift comes, have him wrap it and lay it at your feed in the bedroom. Have him kneel before you, but tell him that you want to have him provide oral sex on you for some time before you open the gift. Then, no matter what the gift, tell him you were hoping that his choice had been something “a bit less inhibited”, and that he will have to come back the following week with something more exciting.
This adorable little game then continues for another week.
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Letters from Men
Emily and Ken,
A sincere thank you from another enlightened (and grateful) man. I was raised in a very "traditional" household where the man makes all the decisions, the woman waits on the man, etc., and I would have never even entertained the thought of LFA had I not discovered your site. About six months ago, I purchased your book, read it and gave it to my wife of 11+ years. We have a great marriage by the way- much better than most of our friends' in my opinion- but we had definitely been fighting more than usual the past few years. She read the book and agreed that the concepts presented made a lot of sense, and we had what I call a "honeymoon period" of about two weeks where everything was great inside and outside of the bedroom. Unfortunately she never formalized her role as the head of the household, I wasn't comfortable approaching her again, and the excitement faded. We soon began to drift apart again.
About a month ago, we sat down to talk about what had been wrong lately and I brought up your book and the fact that we had only given LFA a half-hearted attempt. I explained that it had been very difficult for me to share my submissive feelings with her and that I felt somewhat rejected and embarrassed by the fact that she had not reciprocated by formalizing her authority- or at least told me that LFA was not for her. She agreed that we needed to talk and suggested that we go out to dinner in the next few days. Three days later, we did. I denied myself during those three days and was extremely excited to see what the evening would bring. My wife did not disappoint. She is usually a fairly conservative dresser, but emerged from our bedroom that evening wearing a sexy black dress and black leather boots. She looked beautiful, and given our agenda for the evening I was extremely turned on by the outfit.
As we left for the restaurant, I almost felt like we were on our first date again. I rushed to open doors for her and felt genuinely excited to be out with her- needless to say, not a normal state of mind for a husband of 11+ years. We had a very nice dinner, and soon the conversation turned to your book and our relationship. We discussed my submissive desires, how relaxed I felt with her in control, and her occasional frustration with being "just" a housewife and mother- whereas she held a management position when she was working. (She chose to stay at home and is very busy with volunteer activities, but still feels the need to have a so-called real job). The more we talked, the more I felt that LFA was right for us. It would give her a position of control and authority in our relationship that we both seemed to desire. About halfway through dinner, she reached into her purse, pulled out a piece of paper, pushed it across the table and told me to sign
it.
The paper was a written agreement stating that she is now the head of the household, and I will change my behavior to please her. It was a really creative move on her part that I never saw coming, and I found it very exciting. (I actually got an erection while reading it). Needless to say, I signed. Once we returned home, I told her that I felt it was important for me to formally express my submissive status (kind of the flipside of her formally asserting her authority over me). She agreed, and I dropped to my knees. I alternated between holding her hands and rubbing her legs while looking up into her eyes. I told her that I was not taking this decision lightly and truly believed it would be good for us, and that I love her probably more than she even understands. I also told her that I admire her, respect her, and completely trust her. I acknowledged her as the head of our household and the decision maker in our marriage. Finally, I promised to obey her. I then gave her some time to digest what I had said. It was an incredible evening and the memory reinforces my desire to be in submission to her.
I am not naive' enough to think that there won't be any more difficult times- we obviously still have the pressures of life to deal with (work, raising kids, etc.), but I am certain that LFA has been a very positive change for us. I think it has given my wife a renewed sense of self confidence, and I know it has made me a better person. I am much more relaxed and just generally more enjoyable to be around. I handle stress better, my temper seems to be under control, and the temptation to argue with my wife is almost completely gone. Frankly, I am now often the doting husband I always hoped to be. My sex drive is up, my wife looks more beautiful to me than she ever has, and I continue to be excited by her subtle reminders of her authority over me. Given that this has gone on uninterrupted for almost a month, I am convinced that it is genuine and permanent- as opposed to temporary excitement that might result from a new role-playing scenario.
I also routinely kiss or rub her feet (something I always wanted to do but rarely did), and she is clearly more receptive to this behavior than before we adopted LFA. I am hopeful that we will continue to discover together additional methods to reinforce our new roles. I think many men are taught that they must lead in all situations. This can have the effect of making us feel like we have to know everything in order to be a success. Not only is this an unrealistic expectation in any context, it is particularly burdensome in the context of a marriage- where the wife is simply better suited to make most, if not all, decisions. She continues to impress me as I keep my mouth shut and let her drive the boat- her decisions continue to be good ones (and not always what I would have chosen). Not only does she seem intrinsically better suited to make these decisions, she simply knows more about what goes on in our home life. That said, she is not too proud to ask for my input if she feels like it will be valuable. Another example- she has an ability to discipline our children and still have them feel loved- even in the immediate aftermath of the punishment. This is a gift I simply do not have. All of this has been incredibly liberating for me (yes, me). The burden of trying to lead my wife in situations where she should be in control has been lifted.
Thank you.
Sincerely,
Greg T in Texas.
Ken responds…
We have received many thoughtful and well-written success stories in the years that we have been doing running the site and updates page, and this is one of the most spectacular letters we have ever received.
You hit on some key benefits we often fail to reinforce. For example, your temper and your impulse to argue are greatly diminished. LFA gives you a first level filter that says, “she is in charge, and I obey” as opposed to “I agree or disagree”, and you have learned how liberating this can be. You are also so perceptive in highlighting her strengths as a woman and a wife.
You are both incredibly lucky to have each other.
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Dear Emily and Ken:
Emily wrote: " I have mentioned before that bottom kissing is something most women learn to treasure, and for many submissive men it triggers deep a deep sense of their place in the relationship."
In my experience discovering these triggers is a vital part in the success of an AHF relationship. For us, triggers took two forms, both of which established that sense of place for each of us. Incidentally, neither took place in bed or involved orgasm control.
One trigger involved key words. An important cause of our AHF relationship was unacceptable behavior on my part. I was short and brusque too much of the time -- I didn't like it any more than my wife did. She called this behavior "snippy"; as our AHF parameters became established, she warned me against snippy behavior at the slightest deviation from an acceptable attitude. It instantly reestablished the dominant position in her mind – especially since I responded to it instantly by stopping and apologizing. So, this gave the sense of place to both of us.
Also, our morning ritual was essential. Every morning after she dropped the kids at school, she called to tell me that she was on her way home. This was a signal for me to stop what I was doing, prepare her tea, and wait for her at the kitchen table until she returned. I used the time to meditate on the relationship, how wonderful she was, and how much I wanted to serve and please her. It was very centering and -- as Emily writes -- triggered that deep sense of place. Upon returning home, she would sit at the table and drink her tea without even speaking to me at first. This taught me patience. Then she will initiate the conversation and we would speak about whatever might be on our minds. Afterwards, I knelt and kissed her hands until she told me to rise. Then, we went about our day.
While none of this -- the key words or the ritual -- involved any direct sexual contact, they were of course exciting to both of us. But she felt -- and I certainly agree -- that the point was for me to find that sense of place without the stimulus of sexual behavior. Finding that place is a reward in itself, maybe even our goal.
Not that I'm against bottom kissing: That's fun, too!
Unsigned
Ken responds…
This excellent letter is an appropriate reminder that the rituals of reinforcing who is in charge and who obeys do not have to be sexual in nature to be effective.
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Ken:
I really like your website and your approach to this topic. Like most of the men who write to you, I am searching for a positive way to express my sexuality, which includes a life-long desire to give authority to a strong and loving woman.
Also like a lot of the men who write to you, I have tried out some ideas through stealth submission to my wife. For background, she is a beautiful and accomplished woman, smart, and a natural leader with very significant roles in civic affairs at several local, state and national organizations. Her decisions put the best interests of our family first, so, as an intelligent man, I have long deferred to her.
Regarding my implementation of stealth submission, before seeing your website or any others on this, I "invented" the idea that I would stop self-pleasuring. This produced intense loving feelings on my part for my poor unsuspecting wife. She had no idea how strong my sex drive was, and she had not really been unhappy about our (utterly becalmed) sex life. It had a wonderful effect on intimacy – before, she had complained that I would hardly ever touch her, but upon quitting I craved it.
I now have ten months of experience in my experiment, and I have learned some things about myself: If I am sexually interested but going without orgasms for three or four days, I feel much more anxiety, I am easily frustrated and get angry, and I lose a lot of sleep. I really struggle with feelings of rejection by my wife (who loves me, without a doubt, but her libido is decidedly low). At times I have gotten to feeling pretty emotionally unstable, feeling impulses to do reckless and crazy things (quit my job, ask for a divorce). I really have struggled with this. To get it under control, now, when I feel this happening I go ahead and masturbate. It makes me sad because it is not what I want, but it is effective in getting me back to a more stable mental state.
My submission experiment was stealthy, but I did tell my wife about discontinuing masturbation (it never had been a secret, although she preferred not knowing any details). After a few fights about sex she urged me to go back to self-pleasuring a little, to take pressure off of her and in light of the now apparent fact that orgasm was a major stress management tool for me. Eventually I concluded that she was right, reluctantly, because as I said it feels lonely and disappointing to me. I use it as a last resort.
Finally, I find myself having a second or third drink on nights I am sure there is little chance of sexual activity, because that makes it easier for me to accept that cuddling will be the extent of the activity for the night.
Don't get me wrong – I am powerfully attracted to the AHF relationship dynamic. I have tasted the happiness it brings me to make my wife the centerpiece of my life. Since starting in with stealth submission, I lost weight (back to high school trim), my wife has become incredibly attractive in my eyes, our sex life in fact has improved dramatically, and I have found it easy and gratifying to convert sexual energy into doing things for my wife. The idea of orgasm management seems very exciting, but I am really afraid that I cannot handle much of it. I am also afraid that my wife's low libido would lead her to not really embrace the trade off of replacing orgasms with a high degree of acknowledged sexuality in the relationship. Losing sleep out of excitement or frustration is a particular concern to me as it affects my job performance in a very challenging job.
Ken, I know you have observed that some men taking this path are highly self analytical – perhaps too much so. I even wonder if being aware of one's submissive feelings goes hand in hand with a high degree of self-analysis. Still, I am very interested in your views on the concerns I raise. I am being careful what I wish for.
Mike in New York
Ken responds…
I am concerned by your letter in that the details I have omitted from the published version and even the ones I have included represent very dangerous paths. Alcohol as an answer to your problems, for example, is a disturbing option given the alternatives that are available to you..
I would highly encourage you to reach out to a local and certified counselor who can help to manage the symptoms of your frustration. However, I would also ask you to reach out to your wife with a more candid review of your feelings. You love this woman, you trust her leadership, and you acknowledge that she is concerned about your best interests. She is apparently uncomfortable with discussions that involve details of your sexuality, but she can and must be willing to deal with these issues if she is to help you.
I think you will find that self managing your orgasms will never represent a satisfying outcome. This facilitates physical denial, but does not enable the emotional intimacy that is brought about when she actively controls your pleasure.
Find the help you need. Your comments regarding self-analysis are brilliant, and you have no doubt concluded on your own that your letter represents a cry for help. You need to be the one to seek that help – not in the form of a answer from a distant website – but from trained professionals and the woman that you love.
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Dear Addison’s,
Let me first thank you for the concise and detailed website that you two maintain. My wife and I also enjoyed the e-book. I enjoy reading the updates mostly, seeing how people progress with this. We are both twenty-six and reside in Australia.
Your site was not the trigger for us in adopting this lifestyle (although I wish I found it earlier). It simply happened. I was disillusioned by the lack of sex in our marriage and seriously entertained the idea of looking elsewhere for intimacy. Thankfully, before going down that road, I realized that although I might “scratch the itch” for a while, it would inevitably lead to destruction. For some unknown reason I decided to pour my love into the marriage from then on – as a trial if you like. I started cleaning, cooking and giving her wonderful massages every night. The bedroom became alive, it was all about her and I loved it. Sex, well I just love it. We’re having less “traditional” intercourse, but enjoying far more other delights, once again, all geared at her pleasure.
From the start, never once did I use the words submissive, dominant or orgasm management. Actions speak louder than words and that’s exactly the approach I took. She is the head of the house, she knows it, I know it. We later had discussions to this effect; however it all began with showering her with selfless acts of service for about a month. Confronting her with this topic out of the blue would have scared the socks off her and would have made me feel like a freak.
On a side note, I am embarrassed when I observe how some grown men behave/project themselves regarding this entire subject. I cringe! Femdom sex stories and the like belittle us and make us men out to be some sort of joke. The sad thing is that they are written for a predominantly male audience. What’s going on? I was raised a gentleman, a man’s man. I would never see myself in the situations depicted on this site. I have a real soft spot though, and that is my wife. I control myself (other than orgasm management), but it is a control exercised in such a way so as to benefit my wife entirely. She makes requests, has desires and also exercises the final say in matters – but she doesn’t control me. She’s living as a queen, enjoying life and making my life richer as well. She, and I, would never go back to how things were!
I know you guys must get inundated with emails – I hope this one finds you.
Many thanks,
Craig
Ken responds…
Craig, your perspective is perfect. You have the right motivations, and the outcome is the proof. While I do not judge men that turn to femdom pornography as a means to satisfy something missing in their lives, I do wish they would pursue more healthy alternatives such as the one we offer on our site.
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Dear Ken,
And the truth shall set you free! I had no idea how good coming to this realization would be. My wife and I have been married for seventeen years and I always tried to uphold the traditional model of a marriage with great resistance from my wife. I stumbled on your site today, and the words that I read lifted a huge weight off of my shoulders. I have struggled with my desire for her to take charge for years.
My wife has encouraged me lately to communicate more about what I want sexually, and until today, I could not come up with the right words to explain it. It is that level of "sexual energy" that I crave. What I see described here is the more spiritual form of physical intimacy that I want. Serving my wife is something that I have begrudgingly moved toward, but not anymore. I plan to commit to her 100% and devote myself to her happiness. She is out of town, and I made a list of chores to finish before she gets back and will plan for the massage that she mentioned and make sure everything is just right.
I am not sure how to approach this with her, but I have a feeling it will be a huge relief to her as well since she has expressed her frustration with the traditional model of submission (wife to husband). She is a strong, intelligent and incredibly beautiful woman. The times that I have been the most aroused by her have been when she had control, knew it and exerted that power over me. Why couldn't I have come to this realization before?
Thank you for being here.
Mark in Tacoma, WA
Ken responds…
I’m glad you happened upon us. Continue the open communication with your wife and make sure she is given all the resources that she needs to better understand how to help you both excel with an AHF relationship.
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Our books and CD’s can be found at www.lulu.com/aroundherfinger/
Friday, January 30, 2009
Monday, December 29, 2008
January 2009
Welcome to the January Updates
I hope everyone enjoyed the holidays... although the season is not quite over as I post this. We wanted to get these up as Ken and I are off to go skiing, and we did not want to be late posting again this month. Enjoy the letters, and remember, we do all of this so that you can build courage to communicate and better relationships with the one you love.
Happy New Year,
Emily
As always, our books and CD’s can be found at www.lulu.com/aroundherfinger/
Send questions, comments and success stories to Emily (dot) Addison (at) Gmail (dotcom)
Letters from Women
Emily and Ken,
My husband and I are avid readers of your blog and appreciate your insights. Here is our story…
My husband and I have been together for 24+ years in total. Married for nearly 19 years. Even in the early days of our relationship there were signs of my dominate nature and his submissive nature. We explored some light role playing early on, but just a few times and only in the bedroom. Spicing up our sex life was how I looked at it. He may have seen it as more. In fact, looking back there were many signs that he was reaching out to me giving me hints of his desire to be submissive to me.
About four years ago he tried to communicate his feelings to me. He did a good job. But, what he said and how day to day life was lived were two different things. He struggled with and internalized his true feelings. I did the worst thing I could do, I didn't talk about it, unless he brought it up. I blew it off as him wanting a fairly typical male bedroom fantasy. This behavior from both of us, along with other circumstances, led our relationship into a very dark and troubling time. I doubted him. He doubted me. We closed each other off and we stopped communicating entirely. All of this led to a physical separation that lasted for thirteen long months. However, the emotional separation preceded the physical separation by about a year. It was truly a devastating time for both of us. Even after reconciling, and after having long conversations about his submissive nature and my dominating nature, we still we weren't fully connected until about six months after we reunited.
It wasn't until my husband actually started walking the walk and not just talking the talk did I take his submissiveness seriously. He started doing the housework, running the errands, all the things I had done for the past 24 years. He came to me one day and requested I own the finances, without any unsolicited input from me. This was a huge step. I knew if he was willing to give up access to the money, and let me make all the fiscal decisions of the household he was serious.
We are only three months into a full fledged FLR relationship, and it's gone well thus far. The key is WE COMMUNICATE DAILY about it. He has taken on all household chores. I'm attentive to his submissive needs, and not just in the bedroom. That is only a part of our relationship. I manage his orgasms. I can get him excited by a simple text, or comment in public or in private. I'm learning more and more each day, and more importantly BELIEVING more and more each day that he is happiest when he is taking care of my needs, be they physical or emotional.
He loves starting his day making my coffee and delivering it to me in bed. He loves ending his day naked and curled up to me looking for the warmth my body provides him. He gives me space when I need it; he gives me attention when I need it. He does this FOR ME. He has given up his selfish male ego, he puts my needs and desires above his own. He serves me well. And I've never seen him more at peace and more happy than what he is today. We work well together. Everything comes from a place of love. Even when I deny him orgasm release, he feels loved (maybe this is when he feels the most loved). We communicate openly and honestly. I am the decision maker. When I want his input, and I still do want his input on things relating to our kids, and our household, he gives his input, but he leaves the final word to me. He accepts it and we move forth in that spirit. I quite like that.
I do use discipline beyond just the orgasm management. My husband fears more the punishment of sleeping away from me, getting no attention from me, etc. than he fears anything else. That's an easy punishment as I see it. (Though I know many would disagree with me, and that's fine, it's what works for each couple, there is not a one size fits all approach to FLR.)
We both look forward to further exploring all the possibilities of a FLR. We are proceeding at a pace and a comfort level that works for me. Whatever we do it has to feel natural and compliment my already dominant personality. If it feels manufactured, it doesn't work for me. I'm always open to suggestions on ways to make him feel his most submissive to give him the most satisfaction in life. However, I decide what does and doesn't work for me, and he happily accepts that.
This is just one experience but I think it is shared among many couples that are in early stages of a FLR. I can only say for my husband and I the everyday changes we have made to our life, both in and out of the bedroom, have made us closer, more in love, and have bonded us in a way we've never bonded before. To all couples that are new to an FLR, I wish you as much success as me and my hubby have had the past three months!
Signed… “L”
Emily responds…
What a well detailed account of your evolution to a successful female-led relationship. You make no bones about the absolute nature of your control. You make the decisions, you draw the boundaries, and you remain in complete control. This is how it should be. It is the willingness to step up and seize the head of the household role that makes your marriage work better, your communication more open, and your passions more intense.
Your comment about going beyond orgasm management, and restraining your affections as a means of punishing poor behavior is a good one. The fact that this serves as punishment is evidence that you are doing everything right. How else, one would wonder, could withholding your affection have any meaningful impact unless he valued it as he does?
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Dear Emily,
I have always loved my husband, ever since the first day I met him. He’s the perfect man. He is a gentleman, he is a great provider, he is honest, open, a good listener, a wonderful lover and my best friend. I had the perfect life and did not want anything to change. When he gave me your book the day after Christmas, more accurately after I had read most of it, I thought it must be some sort of joke. I could not imagine that my husband could possibly have been keeping a secret like this from me. We are a very sexually adventurous couple, so kinky behavior in the bedroom is nothing new to our relationship. Interest in that sort of activity, however, was the only clue I had to his submission. However, I do now understand that this is much, much more than that.
I have now read the entire book, all of your website, and many of the letters on your blog, and most of [another website]. At my request, he has left me alone to spend some time adjusting to this new revelation from him. I have told him that on New Year’s Eve, I will let him know how I want to proceed with all of this. I write you now in advance of New Year’s in the hopes that you will get this email and tell me what you think of my plans.
The two of us had already planned on going to dinner and have a reservation at a local restaurant with another couple. We will leave early, and the two of us should arrive home (alone) around eleven. Upon returning home, I plan on putting on a leather outfit that he had (not ironically) bought me a few Halloweens back. I plan on stripping him, blindfolding him, and having him kneel on the floor in our bedroom until I am ready to approach him.
After reading your site, and [other sites], I want him to experience his surrender to my authority in some way more intense that what you typically suggest. I want to begin by taking the blindfold off and having him bow down and kiss my feet. I want him to kiss his way up my legs. I want his lips on my [bottom], I want to [assure his chastity] for no less than a full month. I want to reinforce my new role as the alpha spouse by [experimenting with something not mentioned on your site].
I write because I know this is taking it much further than you advocate. Others, however, have suggested that the more intense I make this first night, the better start we will have to our new relationship. As I said, we are a very sexually adventurous couple, so I am comfortable with all of this.
If it isn’t obvious by now, I really want to give this gift to my husband. His opening up to me about this represents a great treasure to me, and I want to honor that gift. I just want to make sure I do it right.
What do you think?
Unsigned
Emily responds…
I think the things you mention in your letter are completely appropriate to introduce into your relationshiop, but I am not so certain that you should do so all at once. One month of his enforced chastity will be a wonderful experience for both of you. Initiating this at the onset is perfect. I have mentioned before that bottom kissing is something most women learn to treasure, and for many submissive men it triggers deep a deep sense of their place in the relationship. Again, this is a perfect activity to accompany the conversation where you formalize your roles.
I would not, however, say the same for the other activity that you mention. (Forgive me, readers; you will have to use your imagination as it is beyond the scope of what we consider appropriate material for this site.) If this is something you think you will enjoy, then I would encourage you to try it at some point down the road. Is this particular activity ideal for the first night of your new relationship? I will leave that up to you, but for me, it is not.
[Note that a more detailed letter was sent, and a more complete response has already been returned directly to the author.]
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Letters from Men
Emily and Ken,
What a wonderful site!
I wish I had found it earlier as my submissive tendencies have increased the last 5-7 years. I'm a 53 year old male in Ohio who has been happily married for 27 years. I'm lucky in that I have submissive tendencies and my wife is naturally "bossy". I'm living a secret submissive life that seems to work for both of us. However, after reading your site and blogs, I realize there could be much more satisfaction for both of us. Kathy comes from a very traditional background and I'm not sure she really realizes how "bossy" she is. She is very organized so there are lists galore. We never argue because even after discussion, I will always accede to what she wants and as you know, that is what I want. I'm so happy to find a website with which I can identify.
I will order your book and read it and hope to present it to Kathy around Valentines Day. There is too much emotionally going on with the holidays and our family members to give it the proper attention.
I'm very nervous about her rejecting the concept but know that if that is the case, I'll do what I can to make her life better. I love her so much and now that are children are grown, it will be easier to make Kathy my primary focus of love and affection one way or the other.
Whatever happens, I'll let you know - once again, thank you for the time and effort you put into this site.
Unsigned,
Ken responds…
You can give the book with the confidence of knowing that an emotionally mature, loving wife will almost always recognize her husband’s willingness to open up about his submission as a gesture of the respect, love and trust that he affords her.
I can tell from your letter that you are an excellent communicator. You may consider including a heartfelt, and very candid letter when you hand her the book. Make sure she understands that you give this gift to her with an open and honest heart, and that she is sensitive to the emotional risk that accompanies the disclosure.
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Dear Emily & Ken
Firstly I want to thank you for your wonderful web site which has been so helpful and informative for me.
I am yet another man who had been married for nearly thirteen years before finally plucking up the courage to leave your web site open for my wife to see. It all went a bit wrong in that I left a message down stairs directing her to the computer where the site was open. But somehow she managed to close the browser without seeing the site. She then phoned me while I was on my way to work.
Directing her over the phone to your site was the most exiting thing I have ever done. She expressed some excitement of her own at the name of the site and your introduction heading “A man is Happiest …..” and my hopes rocketed.
When I came home we had a very awkward chat, which left things in the air somewhat (I so wish I had your book then) but I sort of carried on with some stealth-like submission in hopes it would be considered a trial period. Three days later, she asked me for a massage and I braved a “does this mean were in a Wife Led Marriage now?” and she simply said “yes”, after which we formalized her control.
From there things have been going fantastically. She grows more confident by the day and I feel elated 24/7. We are so close now. It’s like when we first met all over again. I can tell already we will never go back to how we used to be (we are three months in now). The only difficulties are with some of the finer points like “Orgasm Management” but your book will sort that out I’m sure.
Once again many, many thanks for transforming my life for the better. She so deserves my complete devotion if only to make up for the last five years!
Steve - UK
Ken responds…
Steve, it sounds like you are off to a wonderful beginning. The hard part will be the next three months, when the novelty of submission will begin to wear away, but the necessity of steady and consistent obedience remains in place. This will require self-discipline and constant communication on your part, but I know you are up for the task.
-----
Dear Ken and Emily,
My wife and I are building a female-led relationship that wouldn't be possible without you. Thank you very much for this.
My wife told me to arrange a beach vacation for February or March and I was thinking that a place where women are in charge and men serve them would be nice. My wife doesn't like the leather, paddles, whips or extreme stuff, but maybe there is a place where I can pamper her in an environment where women are treated the way they deserve, where I can pamper her and she can feel comfortable showing that she is the head of the household (she is reluctant to show this in public, even when we don't know anybody). Do you know if there is such a place?
Unsigned
Ken responds…
Oh, how I wish I did! I am not really sure I know of a place where women are in charge, but I do know that if you are out of town and in the company of strangers, this offers an opportunity for her to be more dominant in public with you. Depending on how far she wants to take it, this can be a tremendous growth opportunity for both of you.
Also… if any readers know of a place where women are openly in charge, be sure to email us and let us know!
-----
Our books and CD’s can be found at www.lulu.com/aroundherfinger/
I hope everyone enjoyed the holidays... although the season is not quite over as I post this. We wanted to get these up as Ken and I are off to go skiing, and we did not want to be late posting again this month. Enjoy the letters, and remember, we do all of this so that you can build courage to communicate and better relationships with the one you love.
Happy New Year,
Emily
As always, our books and CD’s can be found at www.lulu.com/aroundherfinger/
Send questions, comments and success stories to Emily (dot) Addison (at) Gmail (dotcom)
Letters from Women
Emily and Ken,
My husband and I are avid readers of your blog and appreciate your insights. Here is our story…
My husband and I have been together for 24+ years in total. Married for nearly 19 years. Even in the early days of our relationship there were signs of my dominate nature and his submissive nature. We explored some light role playing early on, but just a few times and only in the bedroom. Spicing up our sex life was how I looked at it. He may have seen it as more. In fact, looking back there were many signs that he was reaching out to me giving me hints of his desire to be submissive to me.
About four years ago he tried to communicate his feelings to me. He did a good job. But, what he said and how day to day life was lived were two different things. He struggled with and internalized his true feelings. I did the worst thing I could do, I didn't talk about it, unless he brought it up. I blew it off as him wanting a fairly typical male bedroom fantasy. This behavior from both of us, along with other circumstances, led our relationship into a very dark and troubling time. I doubted him. He doubted me. We closed each other off and we stopped communicating entirely. All of this led to a physical separation that lasted for thirteen long months. However, the emotional separation preceded the physical separation by about a year. It was truly a devastating time for both of us. Even after reconciling, and after having long conversations about his submissive nature and my dominating nature, we still we weren't fully connected until about six months after we reunited.
It wasn't until my husband actually started walking the walk and not just talking the talk did I take his submissiveness seriously. He started doing the housework, running the errands, all the things I had done for the past 24 years. He came to me one day and requested I own the finances, without any unsolicited input from me. This was a huge step. I knew if he was willing to give up access to the money, and let me make all the fiscal decisions of the household he was serious.
We are only three months into a full fledged FLR relationship, and it's gone well thus far. The key is WE COMMUNICATE DAILY about it. He has taken on all household chores. I'm attentive to his submissive needs, and not just in the bedroom. That is only a part of our relationship. I manage his orgasms. I can get him excited by a simple text, or comment in public or in private. I'm learning more and more each day, and more importantly BELIEVING more and more each day that he is happiest when he is taking care of my needs, be they physical or emotional.
He loves starting his day making my coffee and delivering it to me in bed. He loves ending his day naked and curled up to me looking for the warmth my body provides him. He gives me space when I need it; he gives me attention when I need it. He does this FOR ME. He has given up his selfish male ego, he puts my needs and desires above his own. He serves me well. And I've never seen him more at peace and more happy than what he is today. We work well together. Everything comes from a place of love. Even when I deny him orgasm release, he feels loved (maybe this is when he feels the most loved). We communicate openly and honestly. I am the decision maker. When I want his input, and I still do want his input on things relating to our kids, and our household, he gives his input, but he leaves the final word to me. He accepts it and we move forth in that spirit. I quite like that.
I do use discipline beyond just the orgasm management. My husband fears more the punishment of sleeping away from me, getting no attention from me, etc. than he fears anything else. That's an easy punishment as I see it. (Though I know many would disagree with me, and that's fine, it's what works for each couple, there is not a one size fits all approach to FLR.)
We both look forward to further exploring all the possibilities of a FLR. We are proceeding at a pace and a comfort level that works for me. Whatever we do it has to feel natural and compliment my already dominant personality. If it feels manufactured, it doesn't work for me. I'm always open to suggestions on ways to make him feel his most submissive to give him the most satisfaction in life. However, I decide what does and doesn't work for me, and he happily accepts that.
This is just one experience but I think it is shared among many couples that are in early stages of a FLR. I can only say for my husband and I the everyday changes we have made to our life, both in and out of the bedroom, have made us closer, more in love, and have bonded us in a way we've never bonded before. To all couples that are new to an FLR, I wish you as much success as me and my hubby have had the past three months!
Signed… “L”
Emily responds…
What a well detailed account of your evolution to a successful female-led relationship. You make no bones about the absolute nature of your control. You make the decisions, you draw the boundaries, and you remain in complete control. This is how it should be. It is the willingness to step up and seize the head of the household role that makes your marriage work better, your communication more open, and your passions more intense.
Your comment about going beyond orgasm management, and restraining your affections as a means of punishing poor behavior is a good one. The fact that this serves as punishment is evidence that you are doing everything right. How else, one would wonder, could withholding your affection have any meaningful impact unless he valued it as he does?
-----
Dear Emily,
I have always loved my husband, ever since the first day I met him. He’s the perfect man. He is a gentleman, he is a great provider, he is honest, open, a good listener, a wonderful lover and my best friend. I had the perfect life and did not want anything to change. When he gave me your book the day after Christmas, more accurately after I had read most of it, I thought it must be some sort of joke. I could not imagine that my husband could possibly have been keeping a secret like this from me. We are a very sexually adventurous couple, so kinky behavior in the bedroom is nothing new to our relationship. Interest in that sort of activity, however, was the only clue I had to his submission. However, I do now understand that this is much, much more than that.
I have now read the entire book, all of your website, and many of the letters on your blog, and most of [another website]. At my request, he has left me alone to spend some time adjusting to this new revelation from him. I have told him that on New Year’s Eve, I will let him know how I want to proceed with all of this. I write you now in advance of New Year’s in the hopes that you will get this email and tell me what you think of my plans.
The two of us had already planned on going to dinner and have a reservation at a local restaurant with another couple. We will leave early, and the two of us should arrive home (alone) around eleven. Upon returning home, I plan on putting on a leather outfit that he had (not ironically) bought me a few Halloweens back. I plan on stripping him, blindfolding him, and having him kneel on the floor in our bedroom until I am ready to approach him.
After reading your site, and [other sites], I want him to experience his surrender to my authority in some way more intense that what you typically suggest. I want to begin by taking the blindfold off and having him bow down and kiss my feet. I want him to kiss his way up my legs. I want his lips on my [bottom], I want to [assure his chastity] for no less than a full month. I want to reinforce my new role as the alpha spouse by [experimenting with something not mentioned on your site].
I write because I know this is taking it much further than you advocate. Others, however, have suggested that the more intense I make this first night, the better start we will have to our new relationship. As I said, we are a very sexually adventurous couple, so I am comfortable with all of this.
If it isn’t obvious by now, I really want to give this gift to my husband. His opening up to me about this represents a great treasure to me, and I want to honor that gift. I just want to make sure I do it right.
What do you think?
Unsigned
Emily responds…
I think the things you mention in your letter are completely appropriate to introduce into your relationshiop, but I am not so certain that you should do so all at once. One month of his enforced chastity will be a wonderful experience for both of you. Initiating this at the onset is perfect. I have mentioned before that bottom kissing is something most women learn to treasure, and for many submissive men it triggers deep a deep sense of their place in the relationship. Again, this is a perfect activity to accompany the conversation where you formalize your roles.
I would not, however, say the same for the other activity that you mention. (Forgive me, readers; you will have to use your imagination as it is beyond the scope of what we consider appropriate material for this site.) If this is something you think you will enjoy, then I would encourage you to try it at some point down the road. Is this particular activity ideal for the first night of your new relationship? I will leave that up to you, but for me, it is not.
[Note that a more detailed letter was sent, and a more complete response has already been returned directly to the author.]
-----
Letters from Men
Emily and Ken,
What a wonderful site!
I wish I had found it earlier as my submissive tendencies have increased the last 5-7 years. I'm a 53 year old male in Ohio who has been happily married for 27 years. I'm lucky in that I have submissive tendencies and my wife is naturally "bossy". I'm living a secret submissive life that seems to work for both of us. However, after reading your site and blogs, I realize there could be much more satisfaction for both of us. Kathy comes from a very traditional background and I'm not sure she really realizes how "bossy" she is. She is very organized so there are lists galore. We never argue because even after discussion, I will always accede to what she wants and as you know, that is what I want. I'm so happy to find a website with which I can identify.
I will order your book and read it and hope to present it to Kathy around Valentines Day. There is too much emotionally going on with the holidays and our family members to give it the proper attention.
I'm very nervous about her rejecting the concept but know that if that is the case, I'll do what I can to make her life better. I love her so much and now that are children are grown, it will be easier to make Kathy my primary focus of love and affection one way or the other.
Whatever happens, I'll let you know - once again, thank you for the time and effort you put into this site.
Unsigned,
Ken responds…
You can give the book with the confidence of knowing that an emotionally mature, loving wife will almost always recognize her husband’s willingness to open up about his submission as a gesture of the respect, love and trust that he affords her.
I can tell from your letter that you are an excellent communicator. You may consider including a heartfelt, and very candid letter when you hand her the book. Make sure she understands that you give this gift to her with an open and honest heart, and that she is sensitive to the emotional risk that accompanies the disclosure.
-----
Dear Emily & Ken
Firstly I want to thank you for your wonderful web site which has been so helpful and informative for me.
I am yet another man who had been married for nearly thirteen years before finally plucking up the courage to leave your web site open for my wife to see. It all went a bit wrong in that I left a message down stairs directing her to the computer where the site was open. But somehow she managed to close the browser without seeing the site. She then phoned me while I was on my way to work.
Directing her over the phone to your site was the most exiting thing I have ever done. She expressed some excitement of her own at the name of the site and your introduction heading “A man is Happiest …..” and my hopes rocketed.
When I came home we had a very awkward chat, which left things in the air somewhat (I so wish I had your book then) but I sort of carried on with some stealth-like submission in hopes it would be considered a trial period. Three days later, she asked me for a massage and I braved a “does this mean were in a Wife Led Marriage now?” and she simply said “yes”, after which we formalized her control.
From there things have been going fantastically. She grows more confident by the day and I feel elated 24/7. We are so close now. It’s like when we first met all over again. I can tell already we will never go back to how we used to be (we are three months in now). The only difficulties are with some of the finer points like “Orgasm Management” but your book will sort that out I’m sure.
Once again many, many thanks for transforming my life for the better. She so deserves my complete devotion if only to make up for the last five years!
Steve - UK
Ken responds…
Steve, it sounds like you are off to a wonderful beginning. The hard part will be the next three months, when the novelty of submission will begin to wear away, but the necessity of steady and consistent obedience remains in place. This will require self-discipline and constant communication on your part, but I know you are up for the task.
-----
Dear Ken and Emily,
My wife and I are building a female-led relationship that wouldn't be possible without you. Thank you very much for this.
My wife told me to arrange a beach vacation for February or March and I was thinking that a place where women are in charge and men serve them would be nice. My wife doesn't like the leather, paddles, whips or extreme stuff, but maybe there is a place where I can pamper her in an environment where women are treated the way they deserve, where I can pamper her and she can feel comfortable showing that she is the head of the household (she is reluctant to show this in public, even when we don't know anybody). Do you know if there is such a place?
Unsigned
Ken responds…
Oh, how I wish I did! I am not really sure I know of a place where women are in charge, but I do know that if you are out of town and in the company of strangers, this offers an opportunity for her to be more dominant in public with you. Depending on how far she wants to take it, this can be a tremendous growth opportunity for both of you.
Also… if any readers know of a place where women are openly in charge, be sure to email us and let us know!
-----
Our books and CD’s can be found at www.lulu.com/aroundherfinger/
Friday, November 28, 2008
November/December 2008
Welcome to the November/December Updates
Our apologies for the delay in posting the November update. We have gone ahead and combined November with December into a single update. Things have been a bit crazy around the Addison household, but hopefully things will get back to normal soon enough.
Emily
As always, our books and CD’s can be found at www.lulu.com/aroundherfinger/Send questions, comments and success stories to Emily (dot) Addison (at) Gmail (dotcom)
Letters from Women
Dear Emily,
I recently graduated from college and soon afterwards began dating a man about ten years older than me. He is very attractive, financially very successful, and even though older than me, still very young in the grand scheme of things at the age of thirty-three. After only six weeks of dating I was really falling for him, and he told me that there was something he needed to share. He gave me your book, nicely wrapped, and a card in which he wrote a note including your web address. He said that this the book and web site “greatly interested” him and that I should be aware of this interest before we became any more serious. This was on a Friday night. He asked that I think about it all weekend, and call him on Sunday evening.
I spent the whole weekend reading your book, your website, and every letter on your updates page. I have to tell you that I found myself becoming extremely excited. This is the relationship that I would have chosen for us if I only I even knew that it existed. First of all, I really, really like this guy. Second, for him to open up to me about something so intensely personal, something that makes him so incredibly vulnerable, represented a major break-through in our relationship. The increase in intimacy that you talk so much about had already happened just by virtue of him sharing this with me. Thirdly, I like the idea of being in control. I don’t like arguing. I prefer to get my way. I don’t like housework. It if pleases him to do it for me then why should I do it? Finally, and most surprisingly, this has ignited an incredible sexual fire in me that has not quit burning.
I cannot believe how much his submission has aroused me. There is a certain erotic thrill that comes from just the site of this strong, successful man kneeling in front of me. He obeys me perfectly and he always thinks about my pleasure. His incredible enthusiasm for pleasing me has made me much more comfortable in allowing him to do things for me that are both expressions of his submission and bring me physical pleasure at the same time. We have [experimented with things that I have learned about on other websites] repeatedly. I would never have guessed that I would have enjoyed these things as much as I do, and he enjoys them even more than me.
I will confess that I did go too far and screwed up one night, and perhaps my experience represents a warning to others. I know that you suggest keeping the nature of this relationship just between the two of us, but one night after many drinks, I let it slip to a girlfriend of mine. She and my boyfriend were both over at my apartment (I have since moved in with my boyfriend), when after getting a bit tipsy, I started ordering him around in front of her. He was getting us refills on our drinks, rubbing my feet, and doing all of this with a very respectful and obedient tone like it was obvious he was used to taking orders. She started asking questions, and the more she asked, the more I answered. And I didn’t really just answer, I also provided evidence by [showing her something that I had read about on other websites and then bought off of the web].
Now, despite my politely asking her not to do so, she has also adopted a dominant attitude with my boyfriend. If she comes over, she will start telling him what to do. While he contends that he doesn’t mind, I do. Also, she has started introducing female led relationship ideas to her boyfriend, but I sense already that she will abuse her authority in the relationship, as she is already talking about [doing certain activities] that I believe are motivated more by her selfishness and thrill-seeking than by true affection and a desire for greater intimacy.
I really regret having pulled back the curtains on the very special relationship that I have with my boyfriend. I hope others can learn from my mistake.
Unsigned
Emily responds…
Your warning is important. Some close friends are capable of handling this in a mature manner, but others obviously are not. Therefore, it is best just to keep this to yourselves. I don’t know how close you are to the friend you mention in your letter, but you might want to consider cutting back your ties with this woman. I agree; she sees female authority as an approach to manipulating men for her pleasure with no recognition of the great responsibility that the woman must take on in this sort of relationship.
You, however, seem to be on a much more fruitful path. Best of luck.
-----
Emily,
I was one of those women that rejected my husband’s gift of submission to me, and now having come around to accept it, I regret having postponed it tremendously.
I was a stay-at-home mother of three who was completely overwhelmed by years of home schooling our children. I admit to having let myself go a bit, and I believed that this was responsible for a sex life that was practically non-existent. When my husband first approached me about your web site about three years ago, I believed it was 100% an attempt to ignite our sex life with kinky role playing. I failed to understand that his desire to submit to me was much more deeply rooted than that. By rejecting his submission, I was rejecting him in a sense.
Also, I felt convinced that my initial reaction was correct because after saying I was not interested, his “stealth” submission ended. While he had always naturally deferred to my judgment and he had always done a lot around the house, he seemed to retreat on both of these fronts. Submission seemed to be the furthest thing from his mind. That’s why when following the last of our children’s move to college, his second appeal to me to consider your ideas was such a surprise. To be honest, I hadn’t even thought about this topic in over a year. However, with less of a hectic schedule and, as an empty nester, sort of a fresh outlook on life in general, I decided to be more open to it.
The second time around I actually read your entire book, having only skimmed the first chapter when he first gave it to me. Now I understand that his submission never went away, the only thing that faded (temporarily) was his hope that I could fulfill his submission with loving female authority. I considered this time that he seemed very serious, and I proposed to test him by telling him that I would be open to trying this under a few conditions. I gave him a number of things I wanted done around the house, some representing major projects and others representing ongoing responsibilities. I told him I expected him to do all of these things and lose twenty pounds. He had also let himself go, and while I had gotten myself back into the gym, he refused to do anything about his own health. Until all of these requests had been satisfied, it would be business as usual around our house.
I gave him these requests sometime around the middle of August. Within two months he had done everything on the list and having gotten himself back to working out and on a very strict diet, had lost the full twenty pounds. I kissed him when he told me, and I told him that the weekend would begin a new phase in our relationship. I told him that I had made dinner plans for Saturday night, but it would be a surprise. When Saturday evening came, I had him dress me in a new outfit that I had bought. Right as he was finishing, the doorbell rang. He asked me who it was, and I told him only to help me into my shoes. Then I told him that my plans involved going out with my girlfriends. His plans involved staying home and readying the house for our little “formalize our roles ceremony” in whatever way he deemed best. When I arrived home, we would we would have our little talk and things would be very different from then on.
You can imagine how much this little ploy excited him. I have to confess that is also excited me. I went out and had a great time with my girlfriends, but I couldn’t stop thinking about him at home getting ready for me. I also knew that coming home just a little tipsy would help with the nerves I had about this. When I opened the front door, I could see that the lights were off in the house, but there was the flicker of candles coming from the bedroom. He had moved a dining room chair into the bedroom and made a path of rose petals leading up to it. At the front of the path was him completely naked with a gift bag on the floor next to him. He first helped me out of my shoes, my dress, and all of the rest of my clothes. Then he handed me the gift bag which contained a very sexy silk robe. I put this on and then walked to the chair. I decided to appear extra dominant, so I grabbed a tuft of his hair and he followed behind me on his hands and knees.
I stood for a moment with my back to him as I considered that the chair, being a dining room chair, might be a bit uncomfortable for the sort of intimacy I was in the mood to experience. To my surprise, his head disappeared below my robe and he took to adoring my posterior in a way that, up until that moment, I had never felt comfortable with before. Perhaps due to the alcohol, or perhaps due to the fact that I now accepted his submission, I allowed him to continue. So this was the scene as I told him that for now and always I expected that he would be obey me, and that he would be my obedient loving husband, and I in turn would adore and nurture him with both love and authority.
Since that night our sex life has become increasingly less inhibited, involving vibrators, [other toys], and always symbolic acts of his humility. I would never have dreamed that this dynamic would have made us so much closer, but Emily, it really has. He is the love of my life and my new openness to his true desire has created something magical for both of us.
Thank you,
Cheryl
Emily responds…
Cheryl, you have made my heart beat faster with your beautiful letter. It is easy to understand estimate how a husband's expression of his humility can reinforce his submissive devotion to you.
Congratulations on the evolution of your relationship.
-----
Letters from Men
Dear Ken,
I have always felt like I had to hide my submission from my wife. I never felt like I had the words to articulate – forgive me for using this word—a normal explanation of how I felt. After discovering your site, I feel like the weight of the world has been lifted off of my shoulders. I also feel like you have taken my own thoughts and put words behind them that will them seem acceptable and even desirable to my wife.
I am telling her about this site tonight. Cross your fingers.
Unsigned
This letter then came the next day…
Dear Ken,
I showed my wife your site last night. Her first words to me were, “I think it’s sweet, of course I’ll try it.” Orgasm management started last night. I love this! Thank you so much.
Unsigned
Ken responds…
That’s the sort of letter (letters) we love to get. Congratulations!
-----
Dear Ken,
I just wanted to let you know that your website has opened a whole new door for my marriage. My wife and I have been married for twelve years now, and I have had submissive tendencies all along. I made the mistake of telling my wife about Female Dominance via another [more extreme] book, and she was not open to it at all. It was too “whips and chains” for her. She wanted nothing of that and told me it specifically.
Well that was six years ago, and of course as any man can tell, you that these feelings don't go away. My wife was totally unwilling to try it up until last month, she decided that compromise could be reached and she would give it a try. I showed her your website and she read it all. Since the beginning of October she has been different but in a good way, she has taken to the idea of giving me task lists. I am not saying anything to put any sort of expectations or pressure on her, but I do anything she asks. She knows I will, and I truly respect her and trust her. The other day she told me to take off my clothes and go down to the drugstore for her, are you serious I asked? She just laughed and said I know you would if I told you to. Just her teasing like that with her gentle jabs at her power over me is intoxicating for me as someone who has always been trying to live a FLR.
She notices that my submissiveness goes away for 5-10 minutes after I orgasm, and I think she is going to use this to her advantage in the future. I do not masturbate at all any more (even though every time I did before was to sites featuring female authority). Since she has opened her mind to even the idea of a FLR we have been closer than ever in our marriage. She always knew something was strained between us and she even thought I could have been having an affair, but once she saw your website she saw that so many of your female readers felt the same way about their husbands submissive natures, and after your website my wife has been so open to listening to me. I tell her everything.
Thanks for your website,
C in CA
Ken responds…
Female authority comes with many pre-conceived notions, so many women will be skeptical when their husbands approach them about an Around Her Finger relationship. The first site you showed your wife is a wonderful site run by a woman who is incredibly knowledgeable on this topic and has the best interests of her community in mind. While Emily and I do not agree with everything she says, we admire her tremendously. However, even she concedes that her site is not the right resource to introduce women to these concepts. I am glad that our own site worked out for you.
Incidentally, Emily is often asked if she knows Ms. Sutton. She does not. Once, long ago, she sent her an email, but perhaps it was lost in the mix of the many emails that I am sure she receives each month, and a reply never came. Perhaps they will connect one day and share ideas.
-----
Our books and CD’s can be found at www.lulu.com/aroundherfinger/
Our apologies for the delay in posting the November update. We have gone ahead and combined November with December into a single update. Things have been a bit crazy around the Addison household, but hopefully things will get back to normal soon enough.
Emily
As always, our books and CD’s can be found at www.lulu.com/aroundherfinger/Send questions, comments and success stories to Emily (dot) Addison (at) Gmail (dotcom)
Letters from Women
Dear Emily,
I recently graduated from college and soon afterwards began dating a man about ten years older than me. He is very attractive, financially very successful, and even though older than me, still very young in the grand scheme of things at the age of thirty-three. After only six weeks of dating I was really falling for him, and he told me that there was something he needed to share. He gave me your book, nicely wrapped, and a card in which he wrote a note including your web address. He said that this the book and web site “greatly interested” him and that I should be aware of this interest before we became any more serious. This was on a Friday night. He asked that I think about it all weekend, and call him on Sunday evening.
I spent the whole weekend reading your book, your website, and every letter on your updates page. I have to tell you that I found myself becoming extremely excited. This is the relationship that I would have chosen for us if I only I even knew that it existed. First of all, I really, really like this guy. Second, for him to open up to me about something so intensely personal, something that makes him so incredibly vulnerable, represented a major break-through in our relationship. The increase in intimacy that you talk so much about had already happened just by virtue of him sharing this with me. Thirdly, I like the idea of being in control. I don’t like arguing. I prefer to get my way. I don’t like housework. It if pleases him to do it for me then why should I do it? Finally, and most surprisingly, this has ignited an incredible sexual fire in me that has not quit burning.
I cannot believe how much his submission has aroused me. There is a certain erotic thrill that comes from just the site of this strong, successful man kneeling in front of me. He obeys me perfectly and he always thinks about my pleasure. His incredible enthusiasm for pleasing me has made me much more comfortable in allowing him to do things for me that are both expressions of his submission and bring me physical pleasure at the same time. We have [experimented with things that I have learned about on other websites] repeatedly. I would never have guessed that I would have enjoyed these things as much as I do, and he enjoys them even more than me.
I will confess that I did go too far and screwed up one night, and perhaps my experience represents a warning to others. I know that you suggest keeping the nature of this relationship just between the two of us, but one night after many drinks, I let it slip to a girlfriend of mine. She and my boyfriend were both over at my apartment (I have since moved in with my boyfriend), when after getting a bit tipsy, I started ordering him around in front of her. He was getting us refills on our drinks, rubbing my feet, and doing all of this with a very respectful and obedient tone like it was obvious he was used to taking orders. She started asking questions, and the more she asked, the more I answered. And I didn’t really just answer, I also provided evidence by [showing her something that I had read about on other websites and then bought off of the web].
Now, despite my politely asking her not to do so, she has also adopted a dominant attitude with my boyfriend. If she comes over, she will start telling him what to do. While he contends that he doesn’t mind, I do. Also, she has started introducing female led relationship ideas to her boyfriend, but I sense already that she will abuse her authority in the relationship, as she is already talking about [doing certain activities] that I believe are motivated more by her selfishness and thrill-seeking than by true affection and a desire for greater intimacy.
I really regret having pulled back the curtains on the very special relationship that I have with my boyfriend. I hope others can learn from my mistake.
Unsigned
Emily responds…
Your warning is important. Some close friends are capable of handling this in a mature manner, but others obviously are not. Therefore, it is best just to keep this to yourselves. I don’t know how close you are to the friend you mention in your letter, but you might want to consider cutting back your ties with this woman. I agree; she sees female authority as an approach to manipulating men for her pleasure with no recognition of the great responsibility that the woman must take on in this sort of relationship.
You, however, seem to be on a much more fruitful path. Best of luck.
-----
Emily,
I was one of those women that rejected my husband’s gift of submission to me, and now having come around to accept it, I regret having postponed it tremendously.
I was a stay-at-home mother of three who was completely overwhelmed by years of home schooling our children. I admit to having let myself go a bit, and I believed that this was responsible for a sex life that was practically non-existent. When my husband first approached me about your web site about three years ago, I believed it was 100% an attempt to ignite our sex life with kinky role playing. I failed to understand that his desire to submit to me was much more deeply rooted than that. By rejecting his submission, I was rejecting him in a sense.
Also, I felt convinced that my initial reaction was correct because after saying I was not interested, his “stealth” submission ended. While he had always naturally deferred to my judgment and he had always done a lot around the house, he seemed to retreat on both of these fronts. Submission seemed to be the furthest thing from his mind. That’s why when following the last of our children’s move to college, his second appeal to me to consider your ideas was such a surprise. To be honest, I hadn’t even thought about this topic in over a year. However, with less of a hectic schedule and, as an empty nester, sort of a fresh outlook on life in general, I decided to be more open to it.
The second time around I actually read your entire book, having only skimmed the first chapter when he first gave it to me. Now I understand that his submission never went away, the only thing that faded (temporarily) was his hope that I could fulfill his submission with loving female authority. I considered this time that he seemed very serious, and I proposed to test him by telling him that I would be open to trying this under a few conditions. I gave him a number of things I wanted done around the house, some representing major projects and others representing ongoing responsibilities. I told him I expected him to do all of these things and lose twenty pounds. He had also let himself go, and while I had gotten myself back into the gym, he refused to do anything about his own health. Until all of these requests had been satisfied, it would be business as usual around our house.
I gave him these requests sometime around the middle of August. Within two months he had done everything on the list and having gotten himself back to working out and on a very strict diet, had lost the full twenty pounds. I kissed him when he told me, and I told him that the weekend would begin a new phase in our relationship. I told him that I had made dinner plans for Saturday night, but it would be a surprise. When Saturday evening came, I had him dress me in a new outfit that I had bought. Right as he was finishing, the doorbell rang. He asked me who it was, and I told him only to help me into my shoes. Then I told him that my plans involved going out with my girlfriends. His plans involved staying home and readying the house for our little “formalize our roles ceremony” in whatever way he deemed best. When I arrived home, we would we would have our little talk and things would be very different from then on.
You can imagine how much this little ploy excited him. I have to confess that is also excited me. I went out and had a great time with my girlfriends, but I couldn’t stop thinking about him at home getting ready for me. I also knew that coming home just a little tipsy would help with the nerves I had about this. When I opened the front door, I could see that the lights were off in the house, but there was the flicker of candles coming from the bedroom. He had moved a dining room chair into the bedroom and made a path of rose petals leading up to it. At the front of the path was him completely naked with a gift bag on the floor next to him. He first helped me out of my shoes, my dress, and all of the rest of my clothes. Then he handed me the gift bag which contained a very sexy silk robe. I put this on and then walked to the chair. I decided to appear extra dominant, so I grabbed a tuft of his hair and he followed behind me on his hands and knees.
I stood for a moment with my back to him as I considered that the chair, being a dining room chair, might be a bit uncomfortable for the sort of intimacy I was in the mood to experience. To my surprise, his head disappeared below my robe and he took to adoring my posterior in a way that, up until that moment, I had never felt comfortable with before. Perhaps due to the alcohol, or perhaps due to the fact that I now accepted his submission, I allowed him to continue. So this was the scene as I told him that for now and always I expected that he would be obey me, and that he would be my obedient loving husband, and I in turn would adore and nurture him with both love and authority.
Since that night our sex life has become increasingly less inhibited, involving vibrators, [other toys], and always symbolic acts of his humility. I would never have dreamed that this dynamic would have made us so much closer, but Emily, it really has. He is the love of my life and my new openness to his true desire has created something magical for both of us.
Thank you,
Cheryl
Emily responds…
Cheryl, you have made my heart beat faster with your beautiful letter. It is easy to understand estimate how a husband's expression of his humility can reinforce his submissive devotion to you.
Congratulations on the evolution of your relationship.
-----
Letters from Men
Dear Ken,
I have always felt like I had to hide my submission from my wife. I never felt like I had the words to articulate – forgive me for using this word—a normal explanation of how I felt. After discovering your site, I feel like the weight of the world has been lifted off of my shoulders. I also feel like you have taken my own thoughts and put words behind them that will them seem acceptable and even desirable to my wife.
I am telling her about this site tonight. Cross your fingers.
Unsigned
This letter then came the next day…
Dear Ken,
I showed my wife your site last night. Her first words to me were, “I think it’s sweet, of course I’ll try it.” Orgasm management started last night. I love this! Thank you so much.
Unsigned
Ken responds…
That’s the sort of letter (letters) we love to get. Congratulations!
-----
Dear Ken,
I just wanted to let you know that your website has opened a whole new door for my marriage. My wife and I have been married for twelve years now, and I have had submissive tendencies all along. I made the mistake of telling my wife about Female Dominance via another [more extreme] book, and she was not open to it at all. It was too “whips and chains” for her. She wanted nothing of that and told me it specifically.
Well that was six years ago, and of course as any man can tell, you that these feelings don't go away. My wife was totally unwilling to try it up until last month, she decided that compromise could be reached and she would give it a try. I showed her your website and she read it all. Since the beginning of October she has been different but in a good way, she has taken to the idea of giving me task lists. I am not saying anything to put any sort of expectations or pressure on her, but I do anything she asks. She knows I will, and I truly respect her and trust her. The other day she told me to take off my clothes and go down to the drugstore for her, are you serious I asked? She just laughed and said I know you would if I told you to. Just her teasing like that with her gentle jabs at her power over me is intoxicating for me as someone who has always been trying to live a FLR.
She notices that my submissiveness goes away for 5-10 minutes after I orgasm, and I think she is going to use this to her advantage in the future. I do not masturbate at all any more (even though every time I did before was to sites featuring female authority). Since she has opened her mind to even the idea of a FLR we have been closer than ever in our marriage. She always knew something was strained between us and she even thought I could have been having an affair, but once she saw your website she saw that so many of your female readers felt the same way about their husbands submissive natures, and after your website my wife has been so open to listening to me. I tell her everything.
Thanks for your website,
C in CA
Ken responds…
Female authority comes with many pre-conceived notions, so many women will be skeptical when their husbands approach them about an Around Her Finger relationship. The first site you showed your wife is a wonderful site run by a woman who is incredibly knowledgeable on this topic and has the best interests of her community in mind. While Emily and I do not agree with everything she says, we admire her tremendously. However, even she concedes that her site is not the right resource to introduce women to these concepts. I am glad that our own site worked out for you.
Incidentally, Emily is often asked if she knows Ms. Sutton. She does not. Once, long ago, she sent her an email, but perhaps it was lost in the mix of the many emails that I am sure she receives each month, and a reply never came. Perhaps they will connect one day and share ideas.
-----
Our books and CD’s can be found at www.lulu.com/aroundherfinger/
Saturday, November 08, 2008
November Updates Delayed
My sincere apologies for the delay in posting the November updates. I promise I will get to it as soon as possible. Thank you for your patience.
Ken
Ken
Friday, October 10, 2008
Study on Female Authority in the Home
This study was conducted by the Pew Research Center and published on September 25th of 2008. It should prove very, very interesting to readers of this site, and perhaps a catalyst for discussion regarding female authority with your wife.
Gender and Power
by Rich Morin and D'Vera Cohn, Pew Research CenterSeptember 25, 2008
They say it's a man's world. But in the typical American family, it's the woman who wears the pantsuit.
by Rich Morin and D'Vera Cohn, Pew Research CenterSeptember 25, 2008
They say it's a man's world. But in the typical American family, it's the woman who wears the pantsuit.
To explore decision-making in the typical American home, a Pew Research Center survey asked men and women living in couples which one generally makes the decisions in four familiar areas of domestic life. Who decides what you do together on the weekend? Who manages the household finances? Who makes the decisions on big purchases for the home? And who most often decides what to watch on television?
The survey finds that in 43% of all couples it's the woman who makes decisions in more areas than the man. By contrast, men make more of the decisions in only about a quarter (26%) of all couples. And about three-in-ten couples (31%) split decision-making responsibilities equally.
On a different topic related to gender and power, the survey asked whether people are more comfortable dealing with a man or with a woman in a variety of positions of authority - doctor, banker, lawyer, police officer, airline pilot, school teacher and surgeon.
On a different topic related to gender and power, the survey asked whether people are more comfortable dealing with a man or with a woman in a variety of positions of authority - doctor, banker, lawyer, police officer, airline pilot, school teacher and surgeon.
Public attitudes are mixed. Among respondents who have a preference, men are favored in some roles (airline pilot, surgeon, police officer, lawyer); women in others (elementary school teacher, banker); and the public is evenly divided about whether its family doctor should be a man or a woman. Notably, however, for all seven of these positions, a sizable share of the public says it has no gender preference - ranging from the 33% who say this about teachers to the 54% who say it about surgeons.
Taken together, these results complement earlier findings from a wide-ranging Pew survey that explored public attitudes toward men and women as political leaders1 and examined the roles that a candidate's gender and parenthood status play in voters' decisions.2
Who's the Decider at Home?
Who's the Decider at Home?
The questions about who calls the shots in different realms of domestic life were asked of 1,260 respondents who were married or living as a couple. For each question, respondents were asked if they or their partner generally has the final say in decision-making. They were not explicitly asked whether they generally share decisions - though this response was recorded if it was volunteered. And it proved to be a very common response. About half of all respondents said that they jointly decide or that there's no fixed pattern when it comes to decisions about shared weekend activities and buying big things for the home. About four-in-ten said the same about deciding what to watch on television, and about one-in-three said the same about managing the household finances.
Only one partner - the respondent - was interviewed; his or her answer was accepted as an accurate characterization of that couple's decision-making. Responses were coded to indicate whether the man or the woman in the respondent's couple makes most of the decisions, or whether the decisions are shared. For example, if a female respondent answered that she was mostly responsible for deciding on weekend plans, she was coded as being part of a couple in which the woman makes most of these decisions. If she said her partner mostly chooses what they would do, she was coded as being in a couple in which the man has the most say.
The responses to the four questions were then analyzed together to determine whether, on balance, the man or the woman in the respondent's couple made the decisions in more areas, or whether both partners played an equal role.
Significantly, in a large plurality of couples - 43% - men don't have the final say in any of the four areas tested. These men either share decision-making with their partners or defer to them. There are significantly fewer couples - 33% - in which the woman does not take the lead in any of the four areas tested. Also, more women (15%) than men (9%) are the lead decision-makers in three or more of the areas tested.
Generally, male and female survey respondents are in broad agreement about which gender makes most of the decisions in these realms of domestic life. The lone exception has to do with managing household finances. By a ratio of nearly two-to-one, women say that they (45%) rather than their partner (23%) manage the money in the household. Men see things differently. Some 37% say they manage the money, while just 30% report that their partner mostly handles the household finances.
The survey finds that when it comes to decision-making and consensus-building at home, age matters. Men and women 65 or older are twice as likely as those under the age of 30 to say they and their partner share equally in making family decisions. But while age makes a difference, income doesn't - at least not so much. In dual-income couples, it is the woman who has more say, regardless of whether she earns more or less than her partner.
A total of 2,250 adults were interviewed by telephone for this nationally representative survey, including 1,260 who were married or living with a partner. Margin of sampling error for the results based on the subsample of those who were in couples is plus or minus 3 percentage points. Margin of sampling error for the overall results is plus or minus 2.3 percentage points.
Here's a rundown of the specific survey questions and responses:
Here's a rundown of the specific survey questions and responses:
Shared Weekend Activities
What are we doing this weekend, honey? For many couples, neither partner has the final word on shared weekend plans. Nearly half (46%) of all couples make this type of decision together, and in another 6% of couples, neither partner is the regular decision maker.
But among those couples in which one partner consistently takes the lead, it's the woman and not the man who most often makes the call on weekend activities (28% vs. 16%).
But among those couples in which one partner consistently takes the lead, it's the woman and not the man who most often makes the call on weekend activities (28% vs. 16%).
Who Makes the Big Household Purchases?
A large plurality of couples (46%) jointly make decisions about buying major items for the home. But again, in families in which one person makes most of these decisions, it's the woman and not the man who has the last word when purchasing big-ticket items for the home (30% vs. 19%).
The Battle of the Budget
The Battle of the Budget
While large proportions of couples make major home purchases and weekend plans together, other types of decisions are most often made by one partner. For example, fully two-thirds of all couples say one partner or the other mostly manages the household finances - but, in the agggregate, men and women disagree about which partner takes the lead.
Overall, women are somewhat more likely than men to manage household finances (38% vs 30%). Fewer than three-in-ten couples (28%) equally share responsibility for making family financial decisions, the smallest percentage responding this way among the four areas tested.
However, comparing how men and women answer this question suggests that there is a good bit of gender disagreement over who ultimately controls the family's purse strings. By nearly 2-1, women say they and not their husbands control the family pursestrings (45% vs. 23%). But a narrow plurality of men say they, not their wives, are managing the family finances (37% vs. 30%).
On the other three questions, the sexes largely agree who has the ultimate say. By about 2-1, women say they and not their partner decide how the couple will spend weekend time together (30% vs.14%) and decide on major home purchases (33% vs. 17%). In both cases, but by narrower margins, men agree their wives or partners usually make these decisions.
Who Controls the TV Remote?
While husbands and wives may differ over who controls the family checkbook, there's not much dispute over who controls the television remote control. The consensus from all quarters: not me. About a quarter of all husbands and wives say they make decisions together and another one-in-nine say there's no consistent pattern to the spousal decisions on this front. Women say they are about as likely to decide what to watch on television (26%) as their spouses (28%). Men are slightly more likely to say their spouse decides (30%) than say they control the remote (24%).
Factoring the respondent's gender into the analysis produces a similar overall result. In 27% of all couples, it's the woman who decides what to watch on TV. The man decides in 26% of couples, and in about a quarter of all homes, what to watch is decided together.
One complicating factor: Perhaps there's relative peace in front of the TV because husbands and wives are simply watching different televisions, or watching their favorite shows alone at different times.
One complicating factor: Perhaps there's relative peace in front of the TV because husbands and wives are simply watching different televisions, or watching their favorite shows alone at different times.
Nielsen Media Research reported in 2006 that there were more televisions than people in the average American home. This survey did not ask how many working televisions respondents had in their homes, or whether couples generally watched TV together or at different times, leaving open the possibility that when it comes to controlling the remote, "separate but equal" may help keep the peace in some American homes.
Shared Decision-Making
Many couples make some family decisions together but very few make all decisions together. When it comes to deciding on shared weekend activities, nearly half (46%) of men and women say they make the decision jointly with their spouses. But in other areas, shared decision-making is relatively rare. For example, only 28% of all couples say they share responsibility for managing household finances.
Overall, only 8% of couples say they make the decisions together in each of the four areas tested in the poll. Another 17% say they make joint decisions in three of the four. Conversely, a 54% majority say they make joint decisions in just one (20%) or none (34%) of the aspects of family life. It is possible that the share of "we decide together" responses would have been greater if this option was explicitly presented in the question. It was not. Rather, the question was worded to ask whether the respondent or his/her partner generally made decisions. In order for a respondent to be recorded as saying decisions are shared, that respondent had to volunteer this answer.
With one notable exception, patterns of decision-making by couples vary little among most demographic groups. The exception has to do with age: Older couples are significantly more likely than younger couples to make decisions together, the survey finds. More than a third of all adults 65 or older say they make most of the decisions with their spouses in at least three of the four areas tested - double the proportion of the joint decision-makers among couples younger than 30. Conversely, fully four-in-ten young adults who are married or living together say they do not make decisions together, with the majority saying they make most of the decisions themselves.
Money and Power in the Home
Two-thirds of all husbands in dual-income families say they make more money than their wives, and wives generally concur in this assessment. But earning more money doesn't necessarily mean making more decisions at home, at least for men. And for women, earning less doesn't always mean making fewer decisions.
By a ratio of better than two-to-one, women make most of the household decisions (46% vs. 19%) in couples in which the woman earns more than the man.
Among couples in which the man earns more than his female partner, women still are more likely to make the decisions in more areas, but by a narrower margin (42% vs. 30%).
Among couples in which the man earns more than his female partner, women still are more likely to make the decisions in more areas, but by a narrower margin (42% vs. 30%).
Gender Roles in Positions of Authority
While many Americans say it makes no difference to them whether they deal with a man or woman in a range of high-profile positions of authority, the survey finds that they retain strong traditional gender preferences in a few positions, including elementary school teacher and police officer. The other positions tested were banker, surgeon, lawyer, airline pilot and family doctor. Here is a rundown of the public's responses, based on interviews with the full sample of 2,250 adults.
Traditional roles
Most of the nation's elementary school teachers are female, most police officers are male, and Americans generally prefer it that way. This attitude is especially prevalent when it comes to elementary school teachers; majorities of both genders and all race and age groups say they would rather deal with a woman than a man in that role. Among Americans of different education levels, college graduates are the only group in which there is not a majority preference for female teachers; they split their opinions evenly between female and no preference.
Asked about the preferred gender for police officer, Americans give a plurality of votes- 46%- to males. Although men are slightly more likely than women to prefer female teachers, there is no difference between the genders in their preference for policemen. But Americans 65 years old or older are more inclined than younger adults to prefer a male policeman - 55% do, which is at least eight percentage points more than is the case with any younger age group.
Although no demographic group prefers a female police officer, one in four black or Hispanic Americans say they would rather deal with a policewoman, compared with 12% of whites.
Surgeons and airline pilots are traditionally male occupations that remain heavily male, but half or more of Americans say it makes no difference to them whether a man or woman holds those jobs.
Majorities of men (57%) and women (52%) say they have no preference for a male or female surgeon. A third of men (32%) and women (34%) say they prefer a man, and the rest prefer a woman. Older people are most likely to prefer a male surgeon. Blacks, and to a lesser extent Hispanics, are more likely than whites to prefer a male surgeon.
When it comes to airline pilots, men (53%) are somewhat more likely than women (47%) to say they have no preference. Men (38%) are less likely than women (44%) to prefer a male pilot. Hispanics (53%) and blacks (49%) are more likely than whites (38%) to prefer that their pilot be male. Older Americans also are more likely to prefer a male pilot, women more so than men.
Gender differences play a role in preferences for a male or female family doctor, a traditionally male field that has been attracting growing numbers of females. Men are most likely to express no preference (46%), but a notable share prefers a male doctor (35%). Women split their votes between no preference (38%) and a female doctor (39%). Age also plays a role: Older Americans are more likely to prefer a man, while younger ones are more likely to prefer a woman.
The financial services and legal professions also are traditionally male, but increasingly populated by women. About half of Americans (48%) say they have no preference between a male or female banker or lawyer. This is especially true of whites, college-educated Americans and high-income respondents. People who live in the West also are most likely than Americans in other regions to have no preference for a male or female banker or lawyer. After "no preference," though, Americans' second choice for their banker would be a woman (36%), which is true for both male and female respondents. Younger people are more evenly split between expressing no preference and favoring a woman. Older people are somewhat more likely to prefer a man to a woman.
The financial services and legal professions also are traditionally male, but increasingly populated by women. About half of Americans (48%) say they have no preference between a male or female banker or lawyer. This is especially true of whites, college-educated Americans and high-income respondents. People who live in the West also are most likely than Americans in other regions to have no preference for a male or female banker or lawyer. After "no preference," though, Americans' second choice for their banker would be a woman (36%), which is true for both male and female respondents. Younger people are more evenly split between expressing no preference and favoring a woman. Older people are somewhat more likely to prefer a man to a woman.
Some groups are more likely to prefer a woman to a man or to the no-preference option. They include blacks and Hispanics (47% of each favors a woman banker), as well as Americans who have not graduated high school or who are in the lowest income group. Notably, even Americans who say they believe women should return to their traditional roles say they prefer a woman (37%) to a man (23%) for their banker.
As for their lawyer, men (51%) are slightly more likely than women (46%) to express no preference. Men (28%) and women (30%) are about equally likely to prefer a male lawyer. Women (23%) are somewhat more likely than men (18%) to prefer a female lawyer.
There are racial differences in lawyer preference. Most whites (54%) say gender doesn't matter. Hispanics and blacks are more likely than whites to split their votes among men, women or no preference. A narrow majority of middle-aged Americans (30-49 and 50-64) say they have no preference, compared with four-in-ten of younger or older Americans. Younger and older Americans cast more of their votes for male lawyers than do middle-aged Americans.
In general, older Americans are most likely to prefer men in traditionally male jobs. Blacks and Hispanics are more likely than whites to favor men in some traditionally male jobs, but tilt toward women in others. College graduates are more likely than less-educated Americans to express no job preference for either gender.
There's very little difference between male and female survey respondents over which gender they would rather deal with in each profession tested. The lone exception to this pattern is the family doctor. Here, gender solidarity prevails. Female respondents express a preference for a woman doctor by a ratio of nearly two-to-one, while male respondents say they would prefer to deal with a male family doctor by a ratio of about two-to-one.
Find the methodology and topline questionaire at pewsocialtrends.org.
Notes
1 Men or Women: Who's the Better Leader?. Pew Research Center, August 25, 2008. 2 Revisiting the Mommy Wars: Politics, Gender and Parenthood. Pew Research Center, September 15, 2008. 3 Determining whether the man or the woman in a couple has the advantage was determined by subtracting the total number of areas in which the woman is the lead decision-maker from the number of areas in which the man makes most of the decisions. So if the respondent, for example, indicates that the man makes most of the decisions in two areas and the woman generally has final say in one area, the respondent's couple is coded as one in which the man makes one more decision than the woman. Couples in which the respondent indicates that the man makes most of the decisions in two areas but the woman makes the decisions in the other two are coded as equally dividing decision making, as each partner has the final say in two areas. Couples in which both partners have equal say in making all four decisions are also coded this way.
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
October 2008
Welcome to the October Updates
The leaves have started changing, and many of us will be spending more time indoors as the cooler weather descends. This invites romantic evenings and opportunities for pampering and service.
Change brings opportunity… even the change of seasons. Seize the day.
Emily
As always, our books and CD’s can be found at:
www.lulu.com/aroundherfinger/
Send questions, comments and success stories to Emily (dot) Addison (at) Gmail (dotcom)
Letters from Women
Dear Emily -
My husband first told me of his submissive nature about a year ago. He started doing wonderful, helpful things for me with no explanation which made me shake my head in curious amazement, but it was great. After two or three weeks of this he told me of his "stealth submission" (though he didn't call it that, as I recall) and explained to me some of his deep desires. At first I guess I was fairly resistant and, as many wives, feared this was solely about leather, chains, strange sex toys, role playing sessions, etc. He didn't pressure me too much, but occasionally practically begged me to do some role playing activities with which I was always extremely uncomfortable but tried to play along. Sometimes this was somewhat successful, sometimes it was not.
It was some time after that when he introduced me to AHF. I will say it was very helpful to me even though I have yet to grasp it all or make it work for me. Over the past year or so I've read your entire book, and have begun to read through all of the letters from the beginning. I think I've only read 18 months to two years, so I have quite a way to go. I've been reading straight through rather than skipping around, hoping to get the full picture, inspiration, understanding, a light bulb going on in my brain, something. Of course, some letters are more applicable to me than others, and usually after a reading session, I feel a little more confident and will make a fresh attempt to be the dominant wife he wants me to be. I understand the concept and the great benefits I could enjoy, and while it was new and foreign to me a few years ago, I've come to accept that this COULD work for us, although my attempts so far are weak and I can't seem to remain consistent for more than a few days.
As I see it, here are my basic problems or challenges:
1) I am very NOT dominant! I'm about the most compliant, easy to get along with, non-confrontational person you'd ever meet. This is true in all areas of my life, not just our marriage. Try as I might I can't seem to become more assertive at work OR at home. I fully realize more assertiveness would not only help in my marriage to a submissive guy, but in my job as well.
2) I have a deplorable lack of imagination which prevents me from comfortably inserting myself into any type of role playing, no matter how harmless and non-threatening. This makes it hard for me to even pretend to be dominant.
3) I have this nagging feeling that at the back of my husband's protestations that he just wants to serve me and please me, his overwhelming desire to submit to a dominant woman is making him try to coerce me into being something I'm simply not.
4) Oh, I almost forgot (which illustrates the problem!), it also seems I must be cursed with a very, very low libido as I rarely think of sex, while it's almost ALL my husband seems to think about. Or maybe I'm just a normal working mom of a young child who is exhausted most of the time.
The sad thing is, I do see it from his side too when we have real heart to heart talks, usually after a period of failed "dominance" attempts on my part. He just wants me to show SOME interest in making this work, some interest in him, in sex, in his performance - or non performance - of the tasks I give him to perform. As you have said so many times, a submissive man can go on submitting and serving for a while without the sexual stimulation, but it can't be maintained without the wife's role being formalized. As I said, I think I get the concept pretty clearly, I just can't seem to follow through with my end of the bargain.
No matter how many attempts I make to start fresh, I seem to quickly run into a roadblock of my own making and resulting from my extreme inhibitions. I only include my work related comments to show you that this is an overall personality trait of mine, it's not just that I'm resistant to the sexual nature of the D/s lifestyle. I realize it doesn't even have to be all about sex from my side of it, even if it is all about sex for him. Your little examples of things to say are mostly so innocuous I feel silly being reluctant to even use those lines spontaneously.
Well, I think that about covers it from my perspective. Is there any hope for me? Or is it simply impossible for some women? I hope to hear from you and will watch the new letters over the next few weeks in case you reply there only and not personally. In any event, thanks for listening. Even if nothing else, it's therapeutic to write this all down. I guess I'll go do some more letter reading while I have a little rare time left to myself this evening.
A wanna be,
Unsigned
Emily responds…
Please do not despair. Your motives seem clear to me. You love your husband and want to make this relationship work for him. Let’s turn this around and figure out to make it work for you. In doing so it will work for you both. Let’s also figure out how to do all this within your own comfort level, but still let him feel as though his submissive nature is given adequate expression.
Think back to when he first began his efforts at stealth submission; what worked for you then? Make a list of things that you want. What about his submission could possibly be good for you? You claim your libido is low, so maybe having him please you orally on a more frequent basis is not an adequate reward for you. How about massages? At least it is sensual if not sexual, and more so if you are both naked during the massages. You say you are incredibly busy. Fix this. Have him do more of your current chores. Find a reason to embrace his submission or you will have no motivation to move forward. When it all starts to click, the intimacy will grow and provide its own reward, but until it does, you need reasons to remain engaged.
Second, you are, like many women, uncomfortable with active displays of dominance in your relationship. I certainly do not advocate role playing as you mention in your letter. You owe him nothing in this regard. If it eventually becomes a rare treat that you bestow on him as a reward for exceptional behavior, that is fine, but only if you are both comfortable with it and take equal satisfaction from the activity.
Furthermore, if you are uncomfortable with ‘acting the part’ of the dominant wife, figure out somewhat more passive ways to control him. I have recommended some of these to other women in the past. Write him notes as a general means of communicating your instructions, and use your verbal commands more sparingly. Written communications, for whatever reason, are easier for many wives.
Also, make the work of communicating his responsibility as well. Every day at first, then perhaps weekly, have him send you an email journal. You can give him topic suggestions, or he can just write about his day and how he feels about you on that day. The trick is to get him in touch with his emotional and spiritual side. At the end of every note he writes you, have him suggest three things that he would like to do for you the next day. Choose the ones that appeal to you or reject them all and respond with requests of you own. You will at least have ongoing insight into his desires without having to drag them out of him. Be firm and demanding in these written communications. Again, your more commanding tone should be easier to achieve in email.
Finally, use a non-verbal cue for orgasm management or even requests for service. Perhaps you could just set out the foot lotion when you want a foot massage. Perhaps you can have a little token object you set out when you want ‘unselfish’ affection from him and another when he is allowed intercourse and ejaculation. The important thing is that you develop alternatives to the activities and communication styles that today seem like a poor fit to your personality.
If I have missed something, please email me again with more details. I very much want to help make this work. Your commitment and effort is absolutely admirable. And finally, I know you were not enthusiastic about having your letter published. I took extra steps to hide details of your situation, and I hope you do not mind too much that I shared it with others.
Letters from Men
Emily:
I have learned much from your site and book, and thank you and Ken for them.
I wanted to point you to a very interesting web site of a psychoanalyst with a lot of couples experience: http://www.psychnews.us/longterm_sex.html. Her name is Dr. Jean Hantman, and she makes a number of strong points that to me relate closely to your relationship ideas. For example, she sees three types of relationships (in which either man or woman can be found in either role): The "worst" she describes is one partner submitting to a partner who only wants control. This is not your model -- although Dr. Hantman presents in her discussion the dominant party as the woman, there is no loving in it, and submission is not an agreeable or rewarding state for the man.
Of more interest is what she calls the "hardest" relationship, where the overarching goal is equality of the parties. This relationship requires a lot of hard work by both parties to stay in balance and successful, and can easily go off the rails. This seems to be the predominant relationship model of our times, but has lots of disadvantages.
Her third relationship type she calls "the easiest." This is where one party willingly submits to the other. This works, Dr. Hantman says, if the dominant party is "nice and sane." Her examples here are a woman (who may well be smarter and more intuitive than the man) submitting to a man. She talks about how this can be difficult for a woman who believes in feminism, etc. Obviously, for a man to step forward to be submissive in the relationship has its difficulties too.
Elsewhere Dr. Hantman points out that the gender roles in her relationship discussions are interchangeable, although she does only discuss the woman submitting in her discussion of the "easiest" type of relationship. Your website and the success of couples following the AHF approach seems to be the missing discussion, the flip side. I would agree that it likely works better your way than the other way.
I was even more struck by Dr. Hantman 's points on the problems of long-term married sexual relationships. She says:
"When women get married they seem to expect that their husbands will be thrilled to get sex whenever she feels like ‘giving it’ to him. Most women don't have a clue how important the physical act of sex is to men. They look at their apparently reasonable, sane husbands, right track, not avant-garde, not eccentric, not living on the edge--husbands who are writers, truck drivers, psychologists, carpenters, businessmen, accountants, teachers, lawyers, etc.--and they imagine that this is correlated to their sexual fantasies. It's not. Most women have no idea what complicated, intricate erotic fantasies men have."
Later she points out that single women have a genuine, uninhibited sex drive that often is suppressed in a woman who has been long married, and that men often don't communicate their true desires to their wives:
"This is one of the reasons second marriages have the potential to succeed more than first marriages. The older man comes to realize how wild and how particular his [fantasies are], but he's comfortable about it, not ashamed. If he's willing to share this with the woman he's falling in love with, and if she is willing to have fun with it, they will have the most successful of all types of relationships.Uninhibited, unrepressed, shared, not kept a secret, wild and safe."
To me this is what is going on with men who introduce AHF ideas to their marriage. Their wives are shocked to learn of their husband’s deep seated desire to submit, yet they keep an open mind, which seems to be the single biggest barrier judging from the letters to your site. Women approached by their men seeking an AHF relationship who do get past the sense of "weirdness" can get to an acknowledged relationship that is the "easiest."
Anyway, I found Dr. Hantman's views -- based on a lot of experience with couples -- to be unconventional and refreshingly sensible, and quite consistent with things you have said over and over on this web site.
Mike in NH
Ken responds…
I absolutely loved your letter, and I went on to read the entire article to which you sent the link, as did Emily. I know that Emily sent an email to Dr. Hantman earlier this week, but she has not yet responded as of the time that this update is being published.
As Emily and I have written here before, the charade of shared authority in a relationship works for neither party, and on this point, we seem to be in perfect agreement with Dr. Hantman. It is good to hear an apparently credible source reinforcing this point.
-----
Dear Emily and Ken:
In the September letters, Pam wrote: "I also now see that managing your husband's orgasms is very important. Ididn't want to do it before because I enjoyed classic sex (I still do), but over the last several days I have become more comfortable with oral sex, and I can see how it can be very enjoyable too. Besides, if it helps the relationship, I am happy to have a little less classic sex and a little more oral sex."
As I proceed, please excuse me if I overstep your preference to avoid detailsor detailed accounts. It is not intentional.
I'm not certain of what Pam means by "classic sex." If she means penetration as we usually think about it, then I'm not sure why she has to have "a little less" in the interests of orgasm management. Part of my late wife'sapproach to orgasm management was to tell me that she wanted me to get in touch with my body, by which she meant that I was to understand myself well enough topause as close to orgasm as possible. In this way, she could have all the ‘classic sex’ that she wanted while still managing my orgasms. In fact, that's what she liked most about it: penetrative intercourse became first and foremost a matterof her satisfaction.
Were there "accidents"? Sure, and they had consequences until I learned toget in touch with my body well enough to know when to pause. I believe that my wife would have regarded this as a critical part of orgasm management had she been familiar with the term. I'm interested to know -- and I'll bet thatyour other readers are, too -- to what extent you see the husband's responsibilities in orgasm management.
Thanks for reading,
Unsigned
Ken responds…
I believe that the husband is intensely involved in the shared responsibility of orgasm management, even as I believe strongly that the wife is the final arbiter of when and if he is allowed to climax. The behavior you described between you and your wife is one good example. When a submissive man engages in any activity with his wife that might lead to his own orgasm, strong communication and excellent discipline are absolutely necessary to maintain her control of the situation.
Also, men are responsible for sharing their thoughts on orgasm management and how their current schedule is impacting the intensity of their submission. As wise and thoughtful as our wives are, they cannot always read our minds. Honest communication is important.
On a more basic note, men are responsible for abstaining when their wives are not around to ensure compliance. We have often danced around posting solutions to this problem online, and we continue to feel that for now, in this forum, we will simply advocate self-discipline. However, women who write us with a sincere request for additional help on this topic will always get a quick but informed reply
-----
Dear Emily,
Question: Is it possible to find a woman who would enjoy being in a Female Led/Wife Led relationship and who understands this part of my psyche or should I continue keeping my fantasy in my head?
My experience has been that most women are looking more for a dominant man. In my attempt to find advice from those who proclaim to have specific knowledge with Female Led relationships, all I find is that they want money and never give advice or never want to meet in person for counseling. In other words, they are trying to tap into the sexual high that people feel in the moment in order to get money. If this type of relationship is possible, how do you find it, and how do I identify these women?
I am a very athletic (run, bike, fly, lift weights), intelligent, financially (several homes, cars, retirement, no debt) stable guy. Well it is awkward to say, I do believe that I am attractive and have been told so by many women. I envision having a family and living a typical outward type of life (community service, raising children, and loving and adoring my wife). I've never married. Most relationships end relatively short. Most women I choose are very beautiful and intelligent and fall in love with me right away, until they sense something is different. They find me doing all the house chores and not being more aggressive physically. I've never broached the topic with them, primarily because when it comes to sex, I tend to be on the shy side.
Again is this type of relationship really possible for me?
George
Ken responds…
George, I do appreciate your writing us, but with all due respect, you sound a bit like a whiner. I accept your letter at face value, so I believe that you have everything going for you that a woman would desire in a man. You have no trouble getting women, but you say you are unwilling to bring this topic up with them because of your shyness.
Most women do not enter into relationship looking to control a submissive man. However, most loving, open-minded women will accept the submission of the man that they love, and properly informed, they will work to make a wife-led relationship a success for both parties.
Will you ever find the woman you seek? I do not know. What I do know is that you will never find her if you keep your secrets locked up inside of you.
-----
Dear Emily,
I am not sure how to go about solving our "problem". I am married to a beautiful woman for thirteen years. We are very happy together for the most part, but have some issues that need help. I stay at home, take care of our daughter, and go to school full-time. I also completely worship my wife. I do most of the laundry, dishes, cleaning, etc; although, I admit not very well at times. I've offered to learn how to do her pedicure, wash her car- anything. She has final say over finances and most things.
The funny thing is that she seems to like having control. However, she seems to have no interest in reinforcing that control with the verbal cues or the sexual behavior that you lay out on your site. I've tried giving her your book and she just dismisses it and says, "I already do make the decisions, and you do most of the work around the house."
I guess what I am trying to say is that I am willing to do anything, but she is not interested in even the most subtle version of AHF. I've expressed that I would rather her tell me to do things around the house than to ask me. It's all a joke to her. She likes making jokes about it, but would rather "nag" me than just tell me to do something with firm authority.
Maybe I want too much? And her lack of interest leaves me feeling very insecure. I don't know what to do. Please, any advice would be so appreciated. We have no sex life as she is not interested at all. We have discussions all the time about it. I believe I have tried everything
Thank you,
David
Ken responds…
You have tried everything to communicate your feelings, but perhaps you need help in articulating them in a way that works for her. Show her your simple letter as I have edited it above, and ask her again to read the book. Also, avoid the overtly sexual language which was abundant in the original version of your letter. This is first and foremost about greater intimacy between the two of you, and the sexual techniques we teach are a means to that intimacy.
Until she is given clear reasons that make sense in the context of her needs, she is unlikely to come around. Tell her how important it is to you, and I suspect she will make the necessary effort.
-----
Greetings Emily (and Ken),
I am one of those who has never had the courage to suggest a female-led relationship to my wife. The reasons are typical but ironic. Her reaction as a 50s born farm girl to something so far from her early concept of marriage is my greatest fear.
The irony is that she is also a 70s educated woman with strong feelings about equality for women and a chip on her shoulder about men who don't do their part. I believe she felt we were fairly equal in our domestic duties until the children were born, and she stayed home for a few years. We then seemed to slip into our parents’ role model for a while mostly out of convenience more than politics or ideology. When she returned to the workplace these habits brought out that old chip on the shoulder, except now it was directed at me. Understand that I've always cooked and cleaned and done laundry, but I also travel a lot on business, and if the bathroom needs cleaning she doesn't wait until Friday to get it done. I suppose it's easy for this to feel "same ol' same old" for her.
Much of our behavior, both in and out of the bedroom, seems on the verge of a female-centric relationship, but I just haven't been able to make an overt statement. Now with the kids finally away this fall, I'm reconsidering my strategy and would love to hear your suggestions.
Any thoughts from either you or Ken would be greatly appreciated.
Steven
Ken responds…
Why do so many men who write us want us to recommend a path to an AHF marriage other than what we suggest on our site? I could see if you had tried to give your wife the book, and she refused to read it, or if you tried unsuccessfully to talk to her about your feelings (like the letter above), why you might write seeking suggestions. You, however, have done neither.
Does your wife not love you dearly? Do you not have a lifetime of shared experiences bonding you together? Do you honestly think you – not the ideas, but you – will be rejected?
Overcome your fears and open up to your wife.
-----
Our books and CD’s can be found at www.lulu.com/aroundherfinger/
The leaves have started changing, and many of us will be spending more time indoors as the cooler weather descends. This invites romantic evenings and opportunities for pampering and service.
Change brings opportunity… even the change of seasons. Seize the day.
Emily
As always, our books and CD’s can be found at:
www.lulu.com/aroundherfinger/
Send questions, comments and success stories to Emily (dot) Addison (at) Gmail (dotcom)
Letters from Women
Dear Emily -
My husband first told me of his submissive nature about a year ago. He started doing wonderful, helpful things for me with no explanation which made me shake my head in curious amazement, but it was great. After two or three weeks of this he told me of his "stealth submission" (though he didn't call it that, as I recall) and explained to me some of his deep desires. At first I guess I was fairly resistant and, as many wives, feared this was solely about leather, chains, strange sex toys, role playing sessions, etc. He didn't pressure me too much, but occasionally practically begged me to do some role playing activities with which I was always extremely uncomfortable but tried to play along. Sometimes this was somewhat successful, sometimes it was not.
It was some time after that when he introduced me to AHF. I will say it was very helpful to me even though I have yet to grasp it all or make it work for me. Over the past year or so I've read your entire book, and have begun to read through all of the letters from the beginning. I think I've only read 18 months to two years, so I have quite a way to go. I've been reading straight through rather than skipping around, hoping to get the full picture, inspiration, understanding, a light bulb going on in my brain, something. Of course, some letters are more applicable to me than others, and usually after a reading session, I feel a little more confident and will make a fresh attempt to be the dominant wife he wants me to be. I understand the concept and the great benefits I could enjoy, and while it was new and foreign to me a few years ago, I've come to accept that this COULD work for us, although my attempts so far are weak and I can't seem to remain consistent for more than a few days.
As I see it, here are my basic problems or challenges:
1) I am very NOT dominant! I'm about the most compliant, easy to get along with, non-confrontational person you'd ever meet. This is true in all areas of my life, not just our marriage. Try as I might I can't seem to become more assertive at work OR at home. I fully realize more assertiveness would not only help in my marriage to a submissive guy, but in my job as well.
2) I have a deplorable lack of imagination which prevents me from comfortably inserting myself into any type of role playing, no matter how harmless and non-threatening. This makes it hard for me to even pretend to be dominant.
3) I have this nagging feeling that at the back of my husband's protestations that he just wants to serve me and please me, his overwhelming desire to submit to a dominant woman is making him try to coerce me into being something I'm simply not.
4) Oh, I almost forgot (which illustrates the problem!), it also seems I must be cursed with a very, very low libido as I rarely think of sex, while it's almost ALL my husband seems to think about. Or maybe I'm just a normal working mom of a young child who is exhausted most of the time.
The sad thing is, I do see it from his side too when we have real heart to heart talks, usually after a period of failed "dominance" attempts on my part. He just wants me to show SOME interest in making this work, some interest in him, in sex, in his performance - or non performance - of the tasks I give him to perform. As you have said so many times, a submissive man can go on submitting and serving for a while without the sexual stimulation, but it can't be maintained without the wife's role being formalized. As I said, I think I get the concept pretty clearly, I just can't seem to follow through with my end of the bargain.
No matter how many attempts I make to start fresh, I seem to quickly run into a roadblock of my own making and resulting from my extreme inhibitions. I only include my work related comments to show you that this is an overall personality trait of mine, it's not just that I'm resistant to the sexual nature of the D/s lifestyle. I realize it doesn't even have to be all about sex from my side of it, even if it is all about sex for him. Your little examples of things to say are mostly so innocuous I feel silly being reluctant to even use those lines spontaneously.
Well, I think that about covers it from my perspective. Is there any hope for me? Or is it simply impossible for some women? I hope to hear from you and will watch the new letters over the next few weeks in case you reply there only and not personally. In any event, thanks for listening. Even if nothing else, it's therapeutic to write this all down. I guess I'll go do some more letter reading while I have a little rare time left to myself this evening.
A wanna be,
Unsigned
Emily responds…
Please do not despair. Your motives seem clear to me. You love your husband and want to make this relationship work for him. Let’s turn this around and figure out to make it work for you. In doing so it will work for you both. Let’s also figure out how to do all this within your own comfort level, but still let him feel as though his submissive nature is given adequate expression.
Think back to when he first began his efforts at stealth submission; what worked for you then? Make a list of things that you want. What about his submission could possibly be good for you? You claim your libido is low, so maybe having him please you orally on a more frequent basis is not an adequate reward for you. How about massages? At least it is sensual if not sexual, and more so if you are both naked during the massages. You say you are incredibly busy. Fix this. Have him do more of your current chores. Find a reason to embrace his submission or you will have no motivation to move forward. When it all starts to click, the intimacy will grow and provide its own reward, but until it does, you need reasons to remain engaged.
Second, you are, like many women, uncomfortable with active displays of dominance in your relationship. I certainly do not advocate role playing as you mention in your letter. You owe him nothing in this regard. If it eventually becomes a rare treat that you bestow on him as a reward for exceptional behavior, that is fine, but only if you are both comfortable with it and take equal satisfaction from the activity.
Furthermore, if you are uncomfortable with ‘acting the part’ of the dominant wife, figure out somewhat more passive ways to control him. I have recommended some of these to other women in the past. Write him notes as a general means of communicating your instructions, and use your verbal commands more sparingly. Written communications, for whatever reason, are easier for many wives.
Also, make the work of communicating his responsibility as well. Every day at first, then perhaps weekly, have him send you an email journal. You can give him topic suggestions, or he can just write about his day and how he feels about you on that day. The trick is to get him in touch with his emotional and spiritual side. At the end of every note he writes you, have him suggest three things that he would like to do for you the next day. Choose the ones that appeal to you or reject them all and respond with requests of you own. You will at least have ongoing insight into his desires without having to drag them out of him. Be firm and demanding in these written communications. Again, your more commanding tone should be easier to achieve in email.
Finally, use a non-verbal cue for orgasm management or even requests for service. Perhaps you could just set out the foot lotion when you want a foot massage. Perhaps you can have a little token object you set out when you want ‘unselfish’ affection from him and another when he is allowed intercourse and ejaculation. The important thing is that you develop alternatives to the activities and communication styles that today seem like a poor fit to your personality.
If I have missed something, please email me again with more details. I very much want to help make this work. Your commitment and effort is absolutely admirable. And finally, I know you were not enthusiastic about having your letter published. I took extra steps to hide details of your situation, and I hope you do not mind too much that I shared it with others.
Letters from Men
Emily:
I have learned much from your site and book, and thank you and Ken for them.
I wanted to point you to a very interesting web site of a psychoanalyst with a lot of couples experience: http://www.psychnews.us/longterm_sex.html. Her name is Dr. Jean Hantman, and she makes a number of strong points that to me relate closely to your relationship ideas. For example, she sees three types of relationships (in which either man or woman can be found in either role): The "worst" she describes is one partner submitting to a partner who only wants control. This is not your model -- although Dr. Hantman presents in her discussion the dominant party as the woman, there is no loving in it, and submission is not an agreeable or rewarding state for the man.
Of more interest is what she calls the "hardest" relationship, where the overarching goal is equality of the parties. This relationship requires a lot of hard work by both parties to stay in balance and successful, and can easily go off the rails. This seems to be the predominant relationship model of our times, but has lots of disadvantages.
Her third relationship type she calls "the easiest." This is where one party willingly submits to the other. This works, Dr. Hantman says, if the dominant party is "nice and sane." Her examples here are a woman (who may well be smarter and more intuitive than the man) submitting to a man. She talks about how this can be difficult for a woman who believes in feminism, etc. Obviously, for a man to step forward to be submissive in the relationship has its difficulties too.
Elsewhere Dr. Hantman points out that the gender roles in her relationship discussions are interchangeable, although she does only discuss the woman submitting in her discussion of the "easiest" type of relationship. Your website and the success of couples following the AHF approach seems to be the missing discussion, the flip side. I would agree that it likely works better your way than the other way.
I was even more struck by Dr. Hantman 's points on the problems of long-term married sexual relationships. She says:
"When women get married they seem to expect that their husbands will be thrilled to get sex whenever she feels like ‘giving it’ to him. Most women don't have a clue how important the physical act of sex is to men. They look at their apparently reasonable, sane husbands, right track, not avant-garde, not eccentric, not living on the edge--husbands who are writers, truck drivers, psychologists, carpenters, businessmen, accountants, teachers, lawyers, etc.--and they imagine that this is correlated to their sexual fantasies. It's not. Most women have no idea what complicated, intricate erotic fantasies men have."
Later she points out that single women have a genuine, uninhibited sex drive that often is suppressed in a woman who has been long married, and that men often don't communicate their true desires to their wives:
"This is one of the reasons second marriages have the potential to succeed more than first marriages. The older man comes to realize how wild and how particular his [fantasies are], but he's comfortable about it, not ashamed. If he's willing to share this with the woman he's falling in love with, and if she is willing to have fun with it, they will have the most successful of all types of relationships.Uninhibited, unrepressed, shared, not kept a secret, wild and safe."
To me this is what is going on with men who introduce AHF ideas to their marriage. Their wives are shocked to learn of their husband’s deep seated desire to submit, yet they keep an open mind, which seems to be the single biggest barrier judging from the letters to your site. Women approached by their men seeking an AHF relationship who do get past the sense of "weirdness" can get to an acknowledged relationship that is the "easiest."
Anyway, I found Dr. Hantman's views -- based on a lot of experience with couples -- to be unconventional and refreshingly sensible, and quite consistent with things you have said over and over on this web site.
Mike in NH
Ken responds…
I absolutely loved your letter, and I went on to read the entire article to which you sent the link, as did Emily. I know that Emily sent an email to Dr. Hantman earlier this week, but she has not yet responded as of the time that this update is being published.
As Emily and I have written here before, the charade of shared authority in a relationship works for neither party, and on this point, we seem to be in perfect agreement with Dr. Hantman. It is good to hear an apparently credible source reinforcing this point.
-----
Dear Emily and Ken:
In the September letters, Pam wrote: "I also now see that managing your husband's orgasms is very important. Ididn't want to do it before because I enjoyed classic sex (I still do), but over the last several days I have become more comfortable with oral sex, and I can see how it can be very enjoyable too. Besides, if it helps the relationship, I am happy to have a little less classic sex and a little more oral sex."
As I proceed, please excuse me if I overstep your preference to avoid detailsor detailed accounts. It is not intentional.
I'm not certain of what Pam means by "classic sex." If she means penetration as we usually think about it, then I'm not sure why she has to have "a little less" in the interests of orgasm management. Part of my late wife'sapproach to orgasm management was to tell me that she wanted me to get in touch with my body, by which she meant that I was to understand myself well enough topause as close to orgasm as possible. In this way, she could have all the ‘classic sex’ that she wanted while still managing my orgasms. In fact, that's what she liked most about it: penetrative intercourse became first and foremost a matterof her satisfaction.
Were there "accidents"? Sure, and they had consequences until I learned toget in touch with my body well enough to know when to pause. I believe that my wife would have regarded this as a critical part of orgasm management had she been familiar with the term. I'm interested to know -- and I'll bet thatyour other readers are, too -- to what extent you see the husband's responsibilities in orgasm management.
Thanks for reading,
Unsigned
Ken responds…
I believe that the husband is intensely involved in the shared responsibility of orgasm management, even as I believe strongly that the wife is the final arbiter of when and if he is allowed to climax. The behavior you described between you and your wife is one good example. When a submissive man engages in any activity with his wife that might lead to his own orgasm, strong communication and excellent discipline are absolutely necessary to maintain her control of the situation.
Also, men are responsible for sharing their thoughts on orgasm management and how their current schedule is impacting the intensity of their submission. As wise and thoughtful as our wives are, they cannot always read our minds. Honest communication is important.
On a more basic note, men are responsible for abstaining when their wives are not around to ensure compliance. We have often danced around posting solutions to this problem online, and we continue to feel that for now, in this forum, we will simply advocate self-discipline. However, women who write us with a sincere request for additional help on this topic will always get a quick but informed reply
-----
Dear Emily,
Question: Is it possible to find a woman who would enjoy being in a Female Led/Wife Led relationship and who understands this part of my psyche or should I continue keeping my fantasy in my head?
My experience has been that most women are looking more for a dominant man. In my attempt to find advice from those who proclaim to have specific knowledge with Female Led relationships, all I find is that they want money and never give advice or never want to meet in person for counseling. In other words, they are trying to tap into the sexual high that people feel in the moment in order to get money. If this type of relationship is possible, how do you find it, and how do I identify these women?
I am a very athletic (run, bike, fly, lift weights), intelligent, financially (several homes, cars, retirement, no debt) stable guy. Well it is awkward to say, I do believe that I am attractive and have been told so by many women. I envision having a family and living a typical outward type of life (community service, raising children, and loving and adoring my wife). I've never married. Most relationships end relatively short. Most women I choose are very beautiful and intelligent and fall in love with me right away, until they sense something is different. They find me doing all the house chores and not being more aggressive physically. I've never broached the topic with them, primarily because when it comes to sex, I tend to be on the shy side.
Again is this type of relationship really possible for me?
George
Ken responds…
George, I do appreciate your writing us, but with all due respect, you sound a bit like a whiner. I accept your letter at face value, so I believe that you have everything going for you that a woman would desire in a man. You have no trouble getting women, but you say you are unwilling to bring this topic up with them because of your shyness.
Most women do not enter into relationship looking to control a submissive man. However, most loving, open-minded women will accept the submission of the man that they love, and properly informed, they will work to make a wife-led relationship a success for both parties.
Will you ever find the woman you seek? I do not know. What I do know is that you will never find her if you keep your secrets locked up inside of you.
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Dear Emily,
I am not sure how to go about solving our "problem". I am married to a beautiful woman for thirteen years. We are very happy together for the most part, but have some issues that need help. I stay at home, take care of our daughter, and go to school full-time. I also completely worship my wife. I do most of the laundry, dishes, cleaning, etc; although, I admit not very well at times. I've offered to learn how to do her pedicure, wash her car- anything. She has final say over finances and most things.
The funny thing is that she seems to like having control. However, she seems to have no interest in reinforcing that control with the verbal cues or the sexual behavior that you lay out on your site. I've tried giving her your book and she just dismisses it and says, "I already do make the decisions, and you do most of the work around the house."
I guess what I am trying to say is that I am willing to do anything, but she is not interested in even the most subtle version of AHF. I've expressed that I would rather her tell me to do things around the house than to ask me. It's all a joke to her. She likes making jokes about it, but would rather "nag" me than just tell me to do something with firm authority.
Maybe I want too much? And her lack of interest leaves me feeling very insecure. I don't know what to do. Please, any advice would be so appreciated. We have no sex life as she is not interested at all. We have discussions all the time about it. I believe I have tried everything
Thank you,
David
Ken responds…
You have tried everything to communicate your feelings, but perhaps you need help in articulating them in a way that works for her. Show her your simple letter as I have edited it above, and ask her again to read the book. Also, avoid the overtly sexual language which was abundant in the original version of your letter. This is first and foremost about greater intimacy between the two of you, and the sexual techniques we teach are a means to that intimacy.
Until she is given clear reasons that make sense in the context of her needs, she is unlikely to come around. Tell her how important it is to you, and I suspect she will make the necessary effort.
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Greetings Emily (and Ken),
I am one of those who has never had the courage to suggest a female-led relationship to my wife. The reasons are typical but ironic. Her reaction as a 50s born farm girl to something so far from her early concept of marriage is my greatest fear.
The irony is that she is also a 70s educated woman with strong feelings about equality for women and a chip on her shoulder about men who don't do their part. I believe she felt we were fairly equal in our domestic duties until the children were born, and she stayed home for a few years. We then seemed to slip into our parents’ role model for a while mostly out of convenience more than politics or ideology. When she returned to the workplace these habits brought out that old chip on the shoulder, except now it was directed at me. Understand that I've always cooked and cleaned and done laundry, but I also travel a lot on business, and if the bathroom needs cleaning she doesn't wait until Friday to get it done. I suppose it's easy for this to feel "same ol' same old" for her.
Much of our behavior, both in and out of the bedroom, seems on the verge of a female-centric relationship, but I just haven't been able to make an overt statement. Now with the kids finally away this fall, I'm reconsidering my strategy and would love to hear your suggestions.
Any thoughts from either you or Ken would be greatly appreciated.
Steven
Ken responds…
Why do so many men who write us want us to recommend a path to an AHF marriage other than what we suggest on our site? I could see if you had tried to give your wife the book, and she refused to read it, or if you tried unsuccessfully to talk to her about your feelings (like the letter above), why you might write seeking suggestions. You, however, have done neither.
Does your wife not love you dearly? Do you not have a lifetime of shared experiences bonding you together? Do you honestly think you – not the ideas, but you – will be rejected?
Overcome your fears and open up to your wife.
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Our books and CD’s can be found at www.lulu.com/aroundherfinger/
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